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Anyone here with POCD with false memories? I need someone to talk to please

Some examples of my thoughts, images commands, feeling and sensations. Who relates to these? -stomach dropping making my chest tight -rapid heart beat/skipped beats -images of horrible scenerios like driving off a bridge or hurting someone or images of what me “snapping” would look like. -looking in the mirror and getting scared that my face will change into a demon face so I stop looking in the mirror. -looking too long at my son and having to look away so I don’t hallucinate a different face on him (even tho I’ve never hallucinated) -what if you’re a horrible monster and you’re going to off yourself -what if your husband and son are demons -you shouldn’t be left alone with your child in case you hurt them -images and scenerios of me texting my husband while he’s at work and telling him I’m killing our son and then myself (even tho I would literally never do this. It makes me sick to even type it on here) -what if you you have schizophrenia even though you’ve been professionally diagnosed (twice) with ocd -what if the ocd specialist was wrong and you don’t have ocd and you’re dangerous -what if you go into psychosis. -what if you are In psychosis right now -what if you were scared of your hands…?¿ this one is so weird lol -what if that bug isn’t real -what if you hear voices -kill them -they’re better off without you -you’ll never get better - you’re crazy. -this can’t be ocd it must be more -nobody else gets these thoughts and feeling -feelings of scared, worried, uncertain, intense anxiety -fears intensifying at night as I’m drifting to sleep -nonsense thoughts that don’t make ANY SENSE at all as I’m trying to fall asleep -what if you believe people are after you one day like a crazy person -what if you already believe this. What if you are delusional. The list goes on. I hope these help some of you feel not alone if you have them as well

Got triggered and I tried to do an OCD homework, but I failed: when writing the "automatic thoughts" I fell to an OCD cycle and ruminated and reviewed the triggering episode. But I will try to abide to the objective of the homework itself, which is doing the challenging part. This is what an "Automatic Thought Record" is supposed to look like: trigger (what set you off?) -> automatic thoughts (what is OCD saying?) -> challenge (what is an alternative to the distorted thinking?) Automatic Thought Record: Trigger [What set you off?] I saw on instagram a reel of girl playing the violin and I noticed that her chest area was unusually big, and I got triggered by it because I couldn't tell the girl's age because the video was quite blurry but was very suspicious that she looked young, that's what triggered me. I really wanted to be reassured that she was an adult. I don't think I felt any attraction, I was immediately worried because I saw the two things at the same time: the fact that she looked young but that you couldn't tell clearly and the fact that the chest area was noticeable. Automatic thought [What is OCD saying?] You noticing the chest area means that you're attracted. Also you can't quite understand the age of the girl, so you need to find a way to know that to disproof this fear so you can feel okay again. All the things that I did wrong: 1. I compulsively looked at the girl trying to figure out her age, looking for characteristics that disproved my fears and confirmed she was like my age. Was also trying to avoid looking at the triggering area but I couldn't help noticing it. At one point I compulsively stared at it, trying to see if I was attracted. 2. I needed to verify the age, couldn't let the uncertainty be there. Found out she was fourteen in a post where she clearly looked that age and there wasn't any noticeable triggering element, looked very different from the first post I saw. Got triggered a lot more by this fact. Wondered if I could have been actually attracted when I first noticed the chest area. Or if I noticed just for itself and without any ulterior ill intentions. Tried to reassure myself and practice uncertainty. Wondered once more if I would have allowed myself to be attracted if she were an adult but with the same physic in the video. Second trigger that it's refraining from moving on, all the thoughts that I had: I had an unwanted terrible association that I feel a monster for even thinking about it. I don't want to write it, I feel like a ****, it feels unforgivable and a proof of my fears. In the video where you couldn't really tell her age, the green colored dress and the blurred face's head shape reminded me of an adult-video actress that once wore a green dress. Does this association means that I se&ualized the girl? If I think rationally about it I know that these two things are different and my emotional reaction two each of them are different and that the one that I'm really attracted by is the adult woman and not the young girl. If I think rationally I know that this association happened randomly and not with ill intentions, because I found an unwanted similarity. I don't know if it was unwanted, it become later because it triggered me, but it was a similarity that came out randomly, with no moral attachments. But what in my head makes me feel all the more creepy and gross is that the association initially started because of the noticeable chest with the green dress, that is what I think prompted me to think about the other adult woman, so it must have been an association of some kind of se&ual nature, right? Did I like watching that girl? Did I look for her age because I WANTED to be attracted? Is that why I made such an association? Because of this association happened I feel more triggered, and I'm afraid that when I'm going to see a video of that adult actress I'm going to think about that association and that I'm going to like it. I don't want it to be this association at all, but it didn't feel like an irrational one, it was a believable connection, the similitude in my head was there and I didn't want it to be similar but it really does. Maybe if I check again I can disprove this association but once it happened everything that I did felt like it was corroborating the association, like I didn't think the head shape would be similar but when I checked it felt like it kinda did. After reading a segment of the "Mindfulness Workbook for OCD" I came to the conclusion that maybe that association happened because I saw adult characteristics, and the association was limited only to that part, it didn't correlate with the fact that she looked young, those are two separate things, in fact the young part came in later to confront the unconsidered dangers of that association. What happened probably wasn't even an association, I was just reminded of that adult woman from the green dress, and then when I got worried about it the association happened, and I got all the more triggered when I noticed that the head shape was kinda similar, and then I spiraled trying to confirm and deny the evidence and a lot of things that I said in this paragraph are not real but conditioned by OCD. 4. On second watch, how could I not know she was young? You could tell she had a small face. Maybe I wanted to reassure myself so much because I noticed the chest area and I couldn't tolerate that because she looked ambiguous at first so in order for me to be okay with having noticed that chest area was for me to look for adult characteristics, and to grab on to that hope. Also it's probably because there were times that I thought a girl looked a bit young but was actually an adult, and maybe I was hoping that it would also be this case so that I could go on with the day without obsessing about the episode, de-triggering myself. Challenge: Ignoring all of this. Not engaging with it and moving forward having uncertainty. Accepting this triggering episode in all of its aspects. Maybe yes maybe not, uncertainty in this case means winning over OCD, even if you feel bad about it. Realising that I'm overthinking and blowing things out of proportions, nothing really happened, I'm just exaggerating because of OCD. After considerations and worries: 1. After reading this OCD book I'm aware that all people have postpubescent markers and that is normal to notice it, noticing doesn't mean having se&ual desire, but because of OCD it mutates into something sinister by the subsequent analysis from OCD itself. 2. It bothers me the fact that I found the young girl's age ambiguous and that I didn't realise sooner 3. I was so uncomfortable in all the scenarios of this one episode, because I needed to check instead of just being okay with it, which is what the people I'm scared of being actually do. So I know that I'm not attracted to young girls (and I don't want to be). That's a fact, because it sent me in a spiral. If it was an adult instead I woud have felt comfortable and wouldn't have obsessed about this one particular episode for like 2 hours. 4. Obviously the association that happened later triggered me heavily 5. Fear of instagram analytics misunderstanding why I looked at that video many times, and the fact that I clicked at the tagged profile and the orchestra account to find informations about the age. 6. When writing this I had images in my head of the young girl, but I didn't "mind" it, I didn't realise they were appearing in my head. Were they actual intrusive images or just memories? And it they were memories, was I not paying attention because I liked those images or because of the effects of this (half-assed) session of ERP not making me care? The truth is that I will never know because OCD is the doubt disorder, but the chances are that is nothing like what I'm scared of it being. 7. Needing to move on from all of this without the reassurance of a second party.

Hey I’m new to this, I’m a 20 yo female, and I’m pretty sure I’ve had ocd since my childhood, but it’s gotten worse has I’ve gotten older. I never really understood my intrusive thoughts and always felt so sick and uncomfortable when I’d have them. They took a turn many months ago when they became more often and more intense. And I started doing some research on them and came across ocd (which I always thought was just when people don’t like to be unorganized and are like perfectionists or something) but as I was reading different websites and seeing how many types of ocd there was I noticed that I related to most of what I was reading. I still haven’t been officially diagnosed or found a therapist yet but I’m working on it. The past year has been the hardest with my intrusive thoughts. I’m mainly bothered by my pocd and I feel sick to my stomach whenever I get an intrusive thought about a child. I absolutely love kids and would never do anything to hurt them it physically makes me ill when I think about it. (If anyone has any tips to deal with this please reply😭) I think I have an idea to why I have those thoughts. I didn’t have the best childhood I was sa’d at 4&9 by 2 different people that were supposed to take care of me, and I have this horrible fear that i could be like them and it makes me feel so incredibly sick. I was also way too exposed to s3xual things as a child, my family was way too open about s3x growing up like I’m talking adults in my life thought it was okay to openly talk about it to me when I was 6/7 like it was normal. I wish I could explain more but this is already way too long. I’ve only opened up to a select few people about this so this was extremely hard for me, I’m literally fighting for my life… Thank you to anyone who cared enough to read this all the way through I appreciate it so much.🤍

I am finally meeting with a therpaist. Been really helpful. Only meet once a week but some days i get overwhelmed. Its so hard being a parent with pocd. I love my child and wouldnt do anything to hurt them. In fact im very caring and protective. I still get pocd thoughts like when im helping my wife bathe our child or dress them or chsnge their diaper and my hand moves down or in any direction my ocd freaks out saying i was trying to touch inappropriatelt or do something. Its totally ego dystonic and extremely heartbreaking. I sometimes avoid my daddy duties because of it. Tomight i was helping my wife bathe and clothe our child because theyre both sick. As i was doing that i looked away for a second and my hand moved amd i worried was i trying to touch her. Then the ocd what if and doubts and guilt feelimgs came rushing amd it makes me not want to be around my own family its so distressimg. I just want to help my partner and be a good father 😂💔

My brain is attacking itself again to the point I am sobbing and hyperventilating. I am genuinely so terrified of being a pedophile I’ve been ruminating over things from my childhood and the intrusive thoughts I’ve had. I don’t want to be a pedophile, I am a victim of CSA and do not want to be anything like my abusers. I was groomed, sexually assaulted, and harassed by adults when I was a child. What if I turn out like them? What if they were subconsciously a role model. My POCD latches onto anything. My partner is almost 2 years younger than me, I like kids shows, I like stuffed animals, etc. What if that means I’m a pedophile? What if it means I’m a monster? I am so out of my mind scared. All I can do is shake and sob violently from this fear and disgust.

TW SUICIDE i’m kinda just throwing this out in the void, i don’t really plan on taking myself off anon because of past experiences i know i’ve had ocd or at least intrusive thoughts for a while, at least 16/17 (i’m 21 now). i had people tell me that had them too that it didn’t mean i was a bad person, and that i didn’t want to act on them. i was doing ok with them for a while until i told the wrong people online essentially people tried to write callouts for me on social media/try to doxx me/send suicide baits. it got so bad that i did actually attempt, although it was pretty half assed (handful of pills washed down with vodka). i put myself into a php a few days later with the sole intention of working on my thoughts, only for them to immediately try to hospitalize me the second i said anything. obviously i shut down and didn’t work with them at all, i was in the troubled teen industry and quite literally got left inside of a psych ward alone locked into the day room for 40 minutes for about a year? maybe more people constantly tried to prove i was a pedophile. any “weird” interaction i had with anyone younger than me, having interest in fandom/shipping/sexual interest in minor characters (i was 17 so honestly a non issue regardless), even posting anime figures at one point people told me was “proof”. i would try to tell them i had this form of OCD, and that would make them tell me to kill myself even harder, like it was proof i jerked off to children or something. i constantly tried to remake my social media and people chased me everywhere i went, it took me deleting everything for a year and completely cutting off almost everyone i knew to get rid of it. it damaged me so much, i relapsed (self harm) multiple times because of it, and the other violent intrusive thoughts got worse during it. i believe people started to attempt to doxx me as well but weren’t very good at it thank god i don’t struggle with the POCD as much anymore, but my harm OCD is really bad. i also have dissociative identity disorder, and i have an alter who has latched on specifically to the POCD so badly i refuse to let him front because i’m terrified he’s going to hurt someone. he’s threatened to do it, and boasted about liking it/hurting me as “punishment” for existing i guess. constantly i get flashbacks that my brain tries to fix, and i get stuck in this loop of these flashbacks, violent thoughts, and trying to “fix” them. i’ve tried to accept them but then my alters just tell me i’m a horrible person and it reflects onto me, or the other alters consistently have to remind me it’s not my fault and i can’t control them/it’s just a disorder. i hate falling asleep because it’s all i ever think about then it feels like. cant really go on trains, i had therapists almost encouraging the behavior by telling me just not to go to doctors when i’d have rumination about not being listened to/blown off/medical malpractice for my disabilities. i’m at least a little better now with my health and sticking up for myself, but it feels like the violent thoughts are never gonna end and it’s just some kind of cruel joke for me existing wrong, like i have all this trauma, literally multiple disorders mental and physical because of it, and my brain will never let me be happy. it has to remind me of my suffering constantly and that 12-15 year old me somehow couldn’t prevent my medical/other traumas and it’s AlL mY fAuLt. not to mention the constant fear that if i talk about this i’ll be locked away forever, like i literally was as a child, and how it quite literally was validated the second i tried to at first. i want help, but help feels like risking my sanity, freedom, and identity as a human being and i fucking hate that. thanks for reading if you do, and i’m really interested to know if anyone else on here is a troubled teen / residential “survivor” i guess. this is only to corrupt, abusive facilities, not ones that actually help people as ik there are some good ones out there. i just didn’t get to go to those. 🫠🫠

I need some help with this. Anyways when I watch PHUB sometimes I don’t remember the name of the video or the channel of the pHUB video and the next time I want to view that video I try to remember the gist of the title. While I was trying to get off I’m trying to find that video that I seen last time and it was an amateur couple and one of the title of the videos (paraphrasing it) suggested they are married and have a kid. So the video name was something along the lines as their kid was away at school they were at home alone. No clearly nothing illegal or suspicious So I search that up on PHUB and the word “kid” was in it and instantly PHUB shows this page where it’s “illegal” to look for anything in that context. But the thing is, I was NOT looking for that at all, not my intentions, not my desire, I was trying to find that video but didn’t realize that word “kid” could be interpreted the wrong way. Because that video title was indicating the married couple home alone while their daughter or son was at school and I typed their “kid away at school” and I got flagged which again I didn’t intend to do anything like that or look for that. I immediately backed out and felt very uncomfortable and stressed. No I’m extremely worried that police might get the wrong idea or the government watching over our internet search and they think I’m a pedo when I’m not at all. I don’t know who to talk to about this. Now I’m worried that something will happen to me and people will think I’m someone else when I’m not.

recently, I’ve been feeling so alone and my OCD journey. I don’t know if this is normal but when I convinced myself that it’s OCD I feel so much better and then less than sometimes five minutes later my brain is saying to me that I’m just in denial of who I really am and it’ll say really disturbing comments I can’t tell if it’s actually saying it or if it’s just my intrusive thoughts it’s really hard to piece them apart. I’ve been struggling with this since March and I have started therapy, but I feel like every time a few days without my therapy. I feel the same way again or I start to get this feeling in my chest being absolutely just doomed and feeling like I’m just in denial of who I really am I just wanna know, anyone else this way has anyone else experience this with their OCD because it really makes me feel like I am that actual person and some of the comments that my brain tells me just feel so real and it feels like I’m actually saying it and meaning it once I process what my brain just said it gives me extreme anxiety and fear that this is really it and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I also am a soon to be Mom so I feel extreme guilt towards my child and my family but part of me says well this is just who you are so you might as well just be become that person.

Hi! I've been dealing with something that really bothers me,I'm in therapy for it but I end up being sucked up in a loop of thinking about it all the time. I need help. Ok this is the story,I was having ocd thoughts like always " if u do this,this will happen,if you don't do this,ull attack someone" . That day I had a thought about my nephews,that I'll do something inappropriate with them,I was working in the house and I stopped a compulsion earlier and in that second my brain was like " omg what if something happend now" I continued my work yet was like "did something happen? Maybe I went to their house" lol after a while I was analyzing the thought like " what if I do that,would I feel guilty?" I didn't freak out,nothing,that surprised me. Then I feelt like ,wait what if I really do it,what if I snap?like an urge. If I think about it does it mean I will do it cuz I didn't have any negative feelings about it at that time. I started to ruminate and ask myself "what if I test myself and start the car and go to their house to see what I will do" .."I would probably just turn around or say hi but be in total panick and at the end I wouldn't even believe myself if I didn't do anything. I tested myself with the thoughts. And I got such anxiety rush afterwards while I was working in the house as if I might snap and had to be sure that I'm in the moment and remember everything. When I got to the house of my brother,I had anxiety but I didn't fight it,I thought, ah ill feel it,just continue walking,my mind was like trying to endure it and not analize the feelings,I remember I sit on the couch,we were talking,I went up and waited for my sister to get out of the bathroom and I tought to myself " now that I'm in the house,I could go to the kids room but I wont" .like I was analyzing that now that I'm near I wouldn't do it. But damn when I woke up,I feelt horrible, like I really did something, my kind feelt like it has a blockage,and I feelt horrible and guilty until today,that I cannot tell my brain what really happend. I was analyzing my thoughts and testing in my mind how far I would go that i have no idea now what to believe. I'm doin EMDR now for that day,my question is,is ALL THAT OCD? I was afraid afterwards why I didn't feel disgust that day cuyz of my thoughts. And now I'm spiraling,is that also ocd? And what can I do to finally stop the doubt and be sure 100 that nothing happened. Hope someone can relate

If life couldn't help giving me ocd at birth, I wish that it didn't give me pocd out of all the other themes. I know it's not fair to say this, but I wasn't this much depressed when I had contamination ocd and pure ocd.

Guys I don't know what to do. I saw this instagram post of a famous person getting married. There was her daughter and she was wearing white stockings. It was triggering to see at first, but when I checked to see if I was attracted or not I didn't know what to make of it. It feels like I was attracted. I don't want to be attracted. I'm afraid that when I saw that I felt attraction. In my mind "stockings" are like a se&ual clothing. It really feels like I felt they were attractive. I think I could have se&ualized it. I really need someone to explain this to me. I don't care if it is reassurance seeking I really can't do with this.

Hi all, new here. I have been struggling with OCD for about 11 years now. I was diagnosed at 15 and am now almost 27. My main theme is POCD, although I have suffered with many other subtypes. Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of false memories. I started having them around 20 years old, but now it has taken over my life completely. At first the false memories were about past events I thought could have happened, but now it is false memories in real time. For example, like thinking you turned the oven on before you left even though you checked it 10 times over. It’s things like that, but with POCD. I cannot distinguish fiction from reality anymore. As of late, I have a serious fear and obsession with cameras. I am constantly terrified of blurting things out on camera, or acting out intrusive thoughts. It has gotten so bad, I cannot be around anyone’s phone but my own. I am constantly having family members check their photos to tell me if I somehow took a video or picture of doing something completely awful. When I am around someone’s phone that I am not able to check, I have serious meltdowns because I am not able to ask them if I’ve done anything. I also check everywhere for cameras, like literally will dig through bags and open drawers/cabinets to make sure there is no camera. It is the scariest thing I have ever experienced. Going out in public in front of cameras is a nightmare for me but I seriously try to do my best. I literally can’t work anymore around other people because I am so scared of their phones. I had to quit my last job because it was becoming so debilitating. I would make up stories like “hey let me air drop a photo to you” just to get them to open up there photo app so I could see I did not record myself saying anything incriminating. I cannot call important people without panic, and if I do I cannot leave voicemails because I believe I will say something wrong. I cannot send emails because I have a fear of saying something wrong. The only social media app I have is Facebook because I’ve had it long enough I feel comfortable using it but I’ve deleted every single app that didn’t have an activity log showing me what comments or likes I’ve left on things. I’ve deleted everything that I can take pictures with (except my iPhone camera of course) I can’t even download a game without thinking I am messaging people on said game! I literally downloaded a game recently and had my mom go over every single thing on it to make sure it wasn’t possible to message other players. I cannot do simple things such as writing something down like signing my name on important documents because I think I write terrible things. This has literally taken over every single aspect of my life. I am miserable, I can’t find help. I have been to many therapists, and taken many medications. Nothing helps. I am at my wits end please help me, or share if you’ve been through anything similar or how you navigated that. I am desperate.

i've seen there are actual posts on here that straight-up talk about actual actions associated with "p", while i absolutely need help with this, i cannot and will not tolerate seeing such posts and nor should anyone else. this is disgusting.

Im not diagnosed, so my situation is more scary :( Today I was in art class, which is really scary to me since because I deal with sexual nasty thoughts, images and urges and we’re all in the same table and that makes us be really tight one to another, and I get really uncomfortable Everything started good, we’re only a few of us and everything was fine and i didn’t have much issue but then a female classmate sits next to me and we start talking, but then idk what came first but i had this thought of me touching her chest inaproppiatly before or after ( i don’t remember) i was talking to my classmate and she answered my question with a nervous tone and the answer was short and, first I didn’t overthink but then i tried asking her more questions and she answered me with the same tone and I got really anxious because why isn’t she answering me? Then she got really frustrated because she didn’t wanted to do her drawing and she was really frustrated all the class so maybe she was answering me weird because of it, and I don’t even know if her answers to me were 100% weird because I haven’t talked to her a lot but I felt like she was ignoring me and now I’m scared that I did do my thought and that I traumatized Then when I had to leave, I complemented her drawing and she just said “yes” so I’m overthinking right now What if it’s true and I traumatized her for life and then she’s gonna acuse me or something even though I don’t know if it’s true aaaaa help

Im overwhelmed and stressed. My child was talking to me and i worrt about groinals but I didnt want to ignore them so i look at them when they talk to me.

So I’ve been having these weird guilt issues and I feel like I’m lying to myself. I had this weird thing where I thought I had feelings for children even though this is 100% not what I want and it goes against my moral code. But I keep trying to make sure that I feel 100% sure that this is the truth. It is just more distressing and causing more issues. Can anyone help please or have some advice? Thank you:)

I saw a comment of someone and now my brain is thinking "now you need to m*sturbte yourself thinking in your sister" Im crying, this intrusive thoughts makes me want to cry, I don't want this thought, ah and it gets stuck in my head, HELP ah I'm in crisis, please The week was really good and now this nightmare thought is stuck on my head I'm terrified I don't want this thought, why stills on my brain? Ahhhhh is torture help I feel my day is contaminated my brain with this thought help

This is my first talking talking about my worst intrusive thoughts... •On 2018 I was on the beach having fun with my family so happy and then the worst intrusive thought," I like my sister" I cried after that,I feel so bad, the whole vacation I spent crying because of that thought, •On 2021 I was on the car on my way to Christmas Dinner, my sister was close to me and the worst intrusive thought was back " I like my sister" I almost cry in the car, but since that day the thought was on my mind I was so scared, that year was a nightmare, the whole time I was terrified of my brain •On 2022(worst year of my life) I had a crush on a girl,she invited me to her Anime Halloween party I was so happy buying my costume (Undertaker from black Butler) and I bought her mangas, I was about to tell her my feelings that night, but I drank a lot vodka, I was so drunk but that night was another familiar party so, when I was in the other party (a familiar party) I was telling my sister look this girl she's so pretty I like her, (I showed a photo of me and my crush) and I was talking about I want to kiss my crush, that moment I got the worst intrusive thought " I want to kiss my sister" I ran to the bathroom to cry and vomit, I was scared because drunk people said the true so was true? Ah I was so scared of myself crying, since that day I got two suicide episodes, depression anxiety, everything that reminds me that day is my torture, everything even the words, even I thought about if I like women or not, I'm traumatized,because reminds me that day, I can't even watch anything related to that day, I feel so disgusted, since that day in scared to drink alcohol, I'm scared of have something sexual because that that appears on my head I'm scared of that years and everything related, Please if someone can say something to me, because I feel so bad since that day thats my biggest fear I don't want this is a torture, I even take pills I feel like I'm the worst person

Last night I was hanging out with some friends, me, and this one friend were making a joke about this one young guy we both used to talk to, he’s two years younger than me the youngest I’ve went was two years. But my other friend was like wait didn’t you go younger? Which isn’t true. But we were talking about this one moment when I was 16, there was someone who was 14 who wanted me, I thought they were cute, but when I turned 17, they weren’t turning 15 for another two months, that kid was involved in a friend group I was in, and I went to school with him, when he kept trying to text me, I told him, even with regular conversation, to just text me when he’s 15. One of the friends in the car was like WTF, when they heard 14 and 17. I feel horrible, she was basically like that’s gross, don’t say that out loud or tell people that. She was just basically saying how she wouldn’t go for someone younger than her, well two years. The whole night I was freaking out, I asked my other friends how they felt about it, they said a two-year difference isn’t weird, they even said a three year difference isn’t weird, but for me that’s pushing it. Two years is my limit, I feel horrible, I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I just made friends with these people and now I feel like it’s ruined.