Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hi all, I’m really having a hard time with my OCD. I start ERP therapy on Friday, I had an intake session last week. I had a horrible OCD episode that knocked me off my feet last April and made my life so small. I lost my Nana, who was dying a slow death from cancer and I obsessed over this and criticized myself so much and started having existential obsessions. I worried if I loved her too much or not enough and it made me sick. I’m an artist, I stopped making art because I was having doubts and intrusive thoughts that I’m a bad person and I’m not truly an artist. I stopped doing freelance, which was my entire income. Then I got my dream job at a museum, then I started having doubts about deserving a good life and “living a lie”. Then I started obsessing over my sexuality and my relationship. Terrified that I can never get married or have kids because of my OCD. I was abused as a child and have a lot of shame about myself and also fear of trusting people. As a kid I dealt with horrible intrusive thoughts, as well as obsessions about my health that took so much of my childhood from me. The thing that scares the living crap out of me is many of these recovery stories where people had to “let go” of their entire lives and entire selves in order to get better. I feel like I’ve worked really hard to give myself a chance at life and I’m following my dreams, but I feel like OCD derailed those plans. So in order to get better, do I have to give those dreams up for good? I’m so scared. Would love to hear from someone who is in recovery or anyone who has similar fears.

If anyone else has had or has the theme of narcissism, do your thoughts sometimes have a selfish, narcissistic theme or attitude to them? Like “you know that person right there? You’re better than them.” “No I’m not- I’m not better than anyone. I don’t think that- I hope I don’t think that.” I’ll actively try and fight it off, humble myself, do something to make sure I don’t ACTUALLY think or feel that way. “You’re the best at everything- you probably think you’re the best at everything.” I’ll fight it off with “no I don’t think I’m the best at everything- I probably can’t do (whatever it is insert here)” “That apology wasn’t real- you didn’t mean it.” “Yes I did…wait- did I..?” I fear accepting these thoughts- or not combating them because then it feels like I actually think like that. “You’re not feeling overly guilty about that mistake? Or about that thing you did that contributed to something? You must not be able to handle accountability.” If I ever think something along the lines of “yeah I should’ve done this better or done this more, shouldn’t of done that, but I’ve never done anything extremely horrible, I don’t do anything or I try very hard not to do anything with the intent to REALLY hurt someone or do bad things- so it’s okay, I can try better next time.” My thought will come in with “we making up excuses now? If you don’t feel absolutely destroyed over that, if you can’t find something you did that you still feel incredibly guilty for, if you are not keeping score with all he bad things you’ve done to remind yourself every day how bad you are, you must be narcissistic or a narcissist.” Can anyone else relate to this? I would love to hear someone else’s perspective, i would like to know I’m at least not alone in this theme.

I've experienced a fairly wide range of ocd symptoms throughout my life... Contamination ocd, magical thinking, checking window locks, intrusive thoughts about cheating on exams, obsession with praying, several months of chronic guilt when I was 12 for breaking a school rule, body symptoms where I would have to jump, or contort my body, move my head etc. I'm 31 now and started dating a really wonderful woman 4 months ago. We clicked fairly quickly with similar interests, and had been having a really great relationship... a couple of weeks ago we discussed the types of things we would like in our futures e.g. marriage, desire to be parents one day. We found out we both have similar life goals etc. and it felt really great. I've never had so much fun talking with someone, hanging out or been so impressed by their character and compassion. It felt so easy to fall in love once I felt safe. A few days after checking in with one another about life goals, I was having a bit of a stressful night unrelated to the relationship. I visited my gf after her work shift and noticed I was more anxious in my body than usual. We meditated together and then put on a tv show, while I was watching the show I had this thought flash into my head saying "what if you don't love your gf as much as you could, and deep down you are obsessed with women who are white / from the same country as you" the thoughts flashed again the next day, i ruminated and "cancelled out" the thought by thinking of my ex as an example that i would never choose anyone over my gf. the following days i felt consumed by guilt and shame, thinking of myself as xenophobic and obsessed with the idea i am racist. I selfishly confessed to her about everything, without considering what burden it could place on her. i felt like i was lying and she should know the truth but now i feel more selfish for sharing. my gf is south american. we are both white / of european descent but i feel very much aware that she can face xenophobic discrimination where we live). I've been in love before but have never felt so confident about a relationship. She studies psychology and researched ocd the night I told her everything and has been really understanding and supportive. I love her so much and feel so committed, but keep feeling as though I must be xenophobic and even racist due to the problematic nature of the intrusive thought i had. inhave been feeling like I do not deserve her love, or to feel pleasure like reading books or even just enjoying working. my logical mind says of course ocd attacks your values in creative and messed up ways but i can't help but think that's a stretch from typical rocd and maybe i am a really bad person. has anyone ever experienced anything similar or the brain being extra evil / tricky?

My son has been diagnosed with OCD, but the therapist that we are seeing doesn’t specialize in OCD. They put him on medication that caused severe side effects. After we stopped the medication, they just seem to almost wash their hands of the situation. This is a center with therapists, psychiatrists, an inpatient unit, a detox, a built-in pharmacy, etc. Yet, they can’t help my child unles it’s through medication. I’m fine with meds if they improve quality of life, but they harmed my child when he tried their first line of defense med for OCD in children. The other meds are in the same class, and we just can’t risk what happened to happen again. Just a little while ago my son and his dad were playing a video game. I guess my son hit a wrong button by mistake. This sent him on a loop of having to reset the game a handful of times. He needed my husband to reset his end of the game too. My husband didn’t understand what was happening, and this led to more emotion and frustration from my son. At this point my husband is upset, so I come in to defuse the situation. I’ve learned that the calmer I am, the better. My husband is trying, but he gets overwhelmed with the behavior. This is our life on repeat. I am so afraid for my child. We need help. Does anyone have any advice in dealing with OCD in children. I just want my son comfortable and happy again. Thank you, Christine

I kind of wanted to try to be social and talk to people in college this semester, and in my online class we have a discussion thread to respond to a discussion topic and chat with people in our class. I asked my instructor if I could also invite people to study with me on this first week's discussion thread, and he said yes. So, I wrote my answer to the prompt and then I also wrote this to go after it. What do you think about it? If you saw something like this in an online class, would you consider it? Is there anything I should change or remove, and if so why? Is there anything that you would personally like to see that might persuade you to study with/talk to someone? "[RESPONSE TO TOPIC...] Also, if anyone wants to study, or if you just want a peer to chat with about college or otherwise, feel free to message me through my email. If there is a communication method that works better for you, then message me and we can discuss that! And good luck this semester, everybody!" Also, on top of the invitation in the discussion thread, I'm considering sending emails to the people in my class inviting them as well. And I'm asking the same questions to you guys that I am about the invitation in the discussion thread, but about if you got an email like this: "Hello! My name is [NAME], and you might have seen what I said in this week's discussion, but I thought I would also individually reach out to [you/people]. If you want to study, or if you just want a peer to chat with about college or otherwise, feel free to message me through my email. If you are fine and don't need to study, then feel free to disregard this email. If there is a communication method that works better for you, then let me know and we can discuss that! And good luck this semester!" Or is the email to everyone too much? Should I just not do that, at least not for right now, and maybe do that later in the semester if I feel like my invite in the discussion thread was overlooked? Or should I do the email -- will it make people feel like they are special? Or will it just be annoying? What would you think if you got a similar email? Would having the invite in both the discussion thread and individually to people's emails be redundant? And thank you in advance if you read this far. I just feel like I get too caught up trying to figure out what will make people want to have a conversation with me, and I keep adding things to try to show people that they can talk to me, but people don't usually talk to me for long and then I feel like I'm not welcoming enough...

What to do? So now my mother is refusing my OCD therapy, despite it's chronic from where it has been untreated so long. Not to mention its causes heart attacks and panic attacks and mental breakdowns. She's puts pressure on me. No Idea why I'm here? And why she even adopted me at all? For this? This is bs. The treatment I am getting. Not to mention when I admitted needing help, seeing doctors and getting treatment. Dakira then desides she does as well, I'm like okay, take me Seriously, this isn't fun, or, funny at all, I am on the edge of going so insane. My therapist thank goodness changed my appointment from 29th to the 16th and she acts as if this isn't something to care about...I'm done she can neglect me like she has been most all my life. But, to avoid my appointment schedule and important mental assessment artenuary is another. This is important to me, my health and my mental state of being, of that doesn't matter to her, I will call 911 and we can settle this in a court room. They will see my missed appointment and if I go off well, easy, she should have took me to my appointment,bout to ask to see if a friend can. This whole thing, her lack of support isn't safe on my end, I don't feel safe. Normally I don't talk at all, that's me .but, this is to much pressure. I'm about to go nuts Not only this, but I need meds and a better lifestyle than my living style now. I don't feel safe at all, she doesn't even know what OCD is and why people have it, say I don't clean? Yeah, because she doesn't give me my money enough to clean and doesn't understand noone can offord this mental illness. She doesn't get it's a struggle, doesn't try to help. She just sits on her ass watching TV and doing other things, not even asking, "Do you jeed anything?" I never cross her mind, she doesn't even get it, I fear my son's safety as he may have this as well, as for him I know he's safe since he is small it's easier to catch it and treat it. But, to do this, to love this way chronic with no medication is doing me in mentally and physically. It's too much to handle. So if I go nuts, it's not My fault.

I know this might be bad but I used to have some serious cuteness aggression with my cat and I used to like be a little too much with my cat like tap her head repeatedly and sometimes lightly hit her. I would also kind of annoy her a lot when she was trying to rest. I never did anything out of malice. I just have issues with cuteness and I know that’s not an excuse. I just feel really bad now.. I don’t think she’s ever like been hurt or anything, just annoyed and aggravated. Do I deserve bad things now?

I have a really awful event. One that required a lot of non-OCD related confessions to my gf. It happened 4 years ago. I don’t really consider any of my thoughts around this event to be OCD related, because it was actually THAT BAD, and I actually should feel the things I’m feeling. The problem that keeps coming up is my urge to confess more details. The thing I did wasn’t one event, but a series of awful events. My girlfriend doesn’t want to know anymore details. She says no matter how bad it is, she doesn’t want to know anymore. I keep getting memories of details that I’m worried would end our relationship if she knew. I’ve confessed so many awful details and she hasn’t left me yet, but there are so many genuinely terrible things that I thought, felt, intended, and acted on. With the thought that revealing a detail could end my relationship, how am I not supposed to confess? I feel like I am tricking her and she doesn’t understand the full extent of my depravity. When she looks at me with love I feel sick and unworthy. She doesn’t want me to confess anymore, my therapist doesn’t want me to confess anymore, and these memories are just sitting in my head, eating away at my soul. I feel so alone. I feel like most of you can probably guess the nature of what I did and might not appreciate me posting about it here. I’m sorry, I just need someone to talk to…

If you experience an excessive need to research and gather information about something how do you handle that compulsion? I find I’m doing that now with my ocd diagnosis and it’s exhausting. There’s never enough information to satisfy it . Any help would be appreciated.

I’m always waiting for the next horrible event to happen, and it’s sapping the joy out of my good days. I’m just waiting for the next time the house needs a major repair, or I’m waiting for the next family member to die horribly (even though no one is sick right now). I’m waiting for the next time my relationship takes a dive due to miscommunication. I’m preventing myself from making art my career because I’m convinced I’ll just mess it up, or I’m convinced no one would pay actual money for something I’ve made. I won’t go back to school because I’m convinced I’ll fail again, or worse, I’ll be too focused on myself to take care of my family. I’m so sure that everyone I’m close with in my life secretly hates me, and I know it’s the OCD but some days I’m just waiting for them to tell me I’m right, or I’m waiting for them to all leave me. I know I’ve felt joy, love, and acceptance at one point in my life, but those warm feelings don’t reach my heart when I’m stuck waiting for the next moment life kicks the chair out from under me.

I struggle with information and memory hoarding if that’s a thing. I very excessively buy books, I save interesting bits of information I come across online, I take an excessive amount of photos and screenshots and have tons of articles and info saved in a huge Google drive. I have many journals and logs. I back up things to multiple places, I save multiple versions of files I am working on, I record long notes after meetings, Doctors appointments and phone calls. I keep photos of all sorts of keepsake and nostalgia types items. I feel like I need to constantly archive all sorts of info. It takes up so much time and I have no sense of what’s actually important to keep, so I keep most things. Has anyone experienced this as an OCD theme? I don’t see much written about this anywhere. Other than books and journals, I don’t seem to hoard any other physical objects, but I have endless collections of digital content and files of all kinds. I have a lot of anxiety around losing valuable bits of info. For example,I just got diagnosed with OCD and I have already bought around 15 books on the topic (that I really can’t afford), have watched several documentaries and took notes, saved tons of articles and made playlists of tons of videos all of that I have read or watched over and over but I never feel like I have learned enough. I am not even sure what drives this. I would love to hear any similar experiences as I feel pretty alone in dealing with this.

Hi guys, So my wife got mad at me today. She said all we ever talk about is my anxiety, and do not usually get to have regular conversations. Does anyone else have this problem with their wife/husband/partner? Right now my heart rate does feel comfortable, and readings to what I can view aren’t to my liking. My OCD had me doing a step just the right way type of thing, I was expecting a call from one of my bosses, and other than this have no idea what caused the anxiety. I seriously just give up anymore. I don’t feel strong enough anymore to go through my anxiety, OCD PTSD, and depression.

So I have this Filipino friend who's a bit white worshippy tbh. He's also a bit crass and he mentioned how on average he finds white women the most attractive, but that there's beautiful women in every race and if you're hot you're hot. Now race and attractivness was an ocd theme in me. On college campus, I've seen hot girls in every race and there's no real "discrepancy" in race and attractivness. Except with the rich middle eastern girls because every single one of them is annoyingly gorgeous. I'm indian but that really triggered my bdd and ocd and I want to obsess over what exactly he meant by that. Overly left wing people talking about "eirocentric beauty standards" doesn't help either. During my worst ocd episode I looked at stats like reply rates on dating apps for different ethnicity. Asian women are favored. When it was broken down by indian vs white va arab etc. Middle eastern girls had a huge advantage but it was pretty even between all other races except black women. But that's probably due to stereotypes. Either way I'm trying really hard not to go into another ocd race and attractivnesd episode again.

I did compulsions again after quitting that for a few days. So sad. Now the cycle is going to start again

The first semester of my first year at university was horrible. My ocd was the worst it has ever been. I was anxious and depressed all of the time. It was a huge adjustment for me. I feel like people talk of university as the best years of their life and the fact that I was not having a good time stressed me out. That and also the class work and finding friends etc. slowly I got back on track and I had a really good Christmas break. I really needed it and I got put on some medication. But now I am back at school. It is my first day here and I am kind of excited, it’s like I get to start over. But I am super anxious too. I don’t want my mental health to get that bad again. I am really scared. And I think I have unrealistic expectations for this semester as well. What if not reaching them causes me to hit Rick bottom again.

I need help. I feel out of control. My therapist has left NOCD and I stupidly told her that I didn’t need to see another therapist (I had been doing ok with the ocd and the anxiety for a while now). Literally two weeks after that, I’m full of anxiety, full of ocd thoughts, and I can’t get out of it. My brain wants an answer right now but I don’t have one. The trigger to all of this seems to be the upcoming civil marriage my sister is going through next month. I have my reservations and opinions of her decision but I ultimately cannot control her or anything she does. I’m worried about her making a terrible decision. She’s 20 with no job, she’s going to school, still lives with my parents and I (and will continue doing so even after she gets married), she’s always arguing with her partner, etc. the list can go on. I’ve tried to speak up in a respectful manner but it seems as though (obviously) nothing will change. The next thing I’ve been cooking in my brain is the idea of moving out from my parents house. For context my parents and I live in Florida, a year ago my parents bought property in Georgia? Which is beautiful and peaceful, and for the longest time I had been trying to convince myself that living there with them in the future would be a good idea (the property is big enough to build my own home). But as of recently I’ve been feeling like moving there wouldn’t be what’s best for me, especially with everything going on with my sister and seeing my parents just go with it. Besides that, I want to be able to have a balance between country and city, and over there, there’s only country. I’m worried about so much that I don’t even know where to start to help myself. My boyfriend is super supportive with pretty much anything and everything I say, but I just feel like I don’t want to continue burdening him with my problems, I want to be able to go to him and just tell him my answers and plans. I don’t like not knowing and I don’t like drastic change. Someone please help.

I recently found out that I have OCD and it’s becoming harder and harder to enjoy every day that passes. I spend hours a day, reflecting on all of the bad decisions I made out of ignorance or out of intention. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for what I did but I also don’t know if it’s the OCD making it worse. I was wondering if you guys have any tips on how to distinguish between guilt over what you’ve done in the past versus the OCD. I just want to be able to enjoy every day, but I’m plagued with guilt!

Because i overthink the smallest things, in my relationship i end up believing a lot of my anxieties, jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. This has many times caused such big arguments between me and my bf, many of which turn out to just be that I did not understand him on something, or that I have these crazy expectations because I constantly want everything to be perfect. I read into the tiniest things so often, that my bf has often felt that basically any little thing he would do I would somehow find something wrong. It overwhelms him, and it overwhelms me as well. The scariest thing is that me just reading something on social media can trigger this. I hate seeing “couple advice” or “relationship” videos on social media, because it causes me to overanalyze my entire relationship and the whole thing of “if you look hard enough for a problem, you will find one, and my brain will practically make up a problem, and will turn something so insignificant into something that i just freak out over. I really do not want to be like this… im tired of constantly freaking out over nothing. I want to be happy, and that has become so rare for me that when i do notice myself smiling, it is something I celebrate over. I dont know what to do anymore.

I have no official diagnosis for OCD but I have recently expected I have it. My whole life I’ve had people tell me I have OCD but I thought they were joking or making fun of me and I’m not a person to self diagnose but then I realized how obsessive I am over my thoughts and started researching. I do constantly ask myself pretty much everyday why I am the way I am, I constantly think I’m hurting someone emotionally then I have to check for reassurance, I beat myself down consistently. I’m always worried I’m going to hurt myself therefore hurting the people who love me. I obsess over the way my body looks and managed to get to the point I only eat once a day. I have never admitted this but I have violent sexual thoughts but they’re directed towards me not other people, these thoughts are completely against what I believe are my morals. I do have a need for organization and functionality within that organization, if someone touches the way I’ve organized those things it gives me high anxiety and I either have to fix it right then or I end up avoiding it altogether until I can find time to fix it cause I know I’ll take hours. If I write notes and I make one mistake, I have to rewrite the whole thing.. this caused a lot of overdue homework in high school and would take up hours of my time. Ive been married for a year but started dating 7 years ago but for some reason I still have thoughts if we’re the right match or not, etc. I relive conversations in my head daily, about 4 months ago I was in a car accident cause I ran a stop sign and t-boned somebody, I was dazed out because I was reliving an argument with my mother in my head and once I realized I crashed I instantly thought I killed the other person, my husband had to reassure me multiple times that the other driver was okay. I’ve read up on rumination and that seems to be a big check mark for me… I could go on but based off the examples I provided do you guys believe I possibly have OCD and should seek treatment for it? I don’t want to offend anyone because I understand this is a very hard disorder to live with and there’s obviously different severity levels but I’ve wondered since I was child “what’s wrong with me” and I want to know if I’m finally figuring it out?

Anyone else low-key dreading the semester starting? I’m a PhD student, and even after all the years of uni and grad school, I still worry myself ill about being ‘better than last semester’ and ‘what I relapse like I did?’ (I had a bad relapse in the fall). Grad school, I’ve been told, is harsh for those with OCD, and I was wondering what others’ experiences were/are in grad school and OCD? Anyone else convince themselves they’ve wormed their ways in and are a fraud/stupid? Just looking to meet and learn more from people!