Welcome to
the NOCD Community

have none of my posts been public??? is NOCD erasing them??? or are people avoiding me??? I can’t tell. someone PLEASE reply. I’m genuinely getting upset & I need help

can ANYONE see this post??? I don’t know if my posts keep getting removed or something because I still see them but don’t know if people can. if that’s true, then that sucks. but if people did see them & no one replied, I’m going to think I’m an actual evil person and will have to take action to game over myself. I don’t know if this post will be removed bc I tried to censor/reword what I wanna say. someone please, for fucks sake reply if u can see this. I feel like I’m going crazy

What do you do? When you want to leave it all because you’re afraid you’ll hurt people

Hi all. Kinda freaking out here. It’s the girl with the dog here again. It’s 5:30 in the morning here and I am legit in a freak out. This is going to be long so please bear with me. My intrusive thoughts about my dog have gotten so bad even with ERP, I can barely function. I am constantly seeing in my mind her being chopped into pieces. Over and over again. And it’s like I suddenly become aware of different body parts that I’m seeing in this images, so if I am around her, I become aware that she has them, and it makes me feel like I’m so freaked out I’ll do something to her because I’m freaked out by them. It’s usually her neck, or her internal parts, etc. I get near her, get reminded, and all these images start coming and it feels like I’m being pulled/will do these things. All day every day. Not to mention the fact, that I consciously think of the thoughts and sometimes still feel like I’d do them. It feels like I’m actually considering doing these horrific things. And I have different feelings that go with them - physical sensations, urges, etc. It puts her in every horrible violent situation and makes me feel like I’d actually do these things to her (i.e - see her being pulled apart - I get a weird feeling in my chest with these thoughts that feels like I’d actually kind of black out and do them or be okay with it; almost like a sense of dropping calm thought my body?!). I ate meat today and it made me think of someone doing that to her - and made me feel like I would - and would be okay with it. Sometimes I get these waves of this feeling that it would be no big deal or I wouldn’t care. Frankly, I’m freaking out. I feel like I will actually end up acting on these thoughts. The longer this goes on the more I feel like that. I also feel like I don’t care about her anymore and that scares the living shit out of me because then I feel like I don’t value her and that it wouldn’t bother me to act on them. I have loved this dog for 8 freaking years. What the hell is wrong with me?!!! I feel like my thoughts about her are SO much more violent and the rest of it is just so off - I then start scouring the internet for stories of people with harm ocd, and instead found a story of a guy who went into psychosis and killed his pet. Which of course makes me feel like with everything I’m seeing and already feeling…let’s just say it didn’t help. Am I a lost cause??! Is my dog unsafe with me? I feel like she is. I don’t sleep anymore because of these thoughts so I’m literally up all night watching tv because I’m so scared and convinced that I will do these things. I don’t understand what happened.

Hi all. Kinda freaking out here. It’s the girl with the dog here again. It’s 5:30 in the morning here and I am legit in a freak out. This is going to be long so please bear with me. My intrusive thoughts about my dog have gotten so bad even with ERP, I can barely function. I am constantly seeing in my mind her being chopped into pieces. Over and over again. And it’s like I suddenly become aware of different body parts that I’m seeing in this images, so if I am around her, I become aware that she has them, and it makes me feel like I’m so freaked out I’ll do something to her because I’m freaked out by them. It’s usually her neck, or her internal parts, etc. I get near her, get reminded, and all these images start coming and it feels like I’m being pulled/will do these things. Not to mention the fact, that I consciously think of the thoughts and sometimes still feel like I’d do them. It feels like I’m actually considering doing these horrific things. And I have different feelings that go with them - physical sensations, urges, etc. It puts her in every horrible violent situation and makes me feel like I’d actually do these things to her (i.e - see her being pulled apart - I get a weird feeling in my chest with these thoughts that feels like I’d actually kind of black out and do them or be okay with it; almost like a sense of dropping calm thought my body?!). I ate meat today and it made me think of someone doing that to her - and made me feel like I would - and would be okay with it. Frankly, I’m freaking out. I feel like I will actually end up acting on these thoughts. The longer this goes on the more I feel like that. I also feel like I don’t care about her anymore and that scares the living shit out of me because then I feel like I don’t value her and that it wouldn’t bother me to act on them. I have loved this dog for 8 freaking years. What the hell is wrong with me?!!! I feel like my thoughts about her are SO much more violent and the rest of it is just so off - I then start scouring the internet for stories of people with harm ocd, and instead found a story of a guy who went into psychosis and killed his pet. Which of course makes me feel like with everything I’m seeing and already feeling…let’s just say it didn’t help. Am I a lost cause??! Is my dog unsafe with me? I feel like she is. I don’t sleep anymore because of these thoughts so I’m literally up all night watching tv because I’m so scared and convinced that I will do these things. I don’t understand what happened.

I need someone to talk to i feel like i’m the worst person in the world cause i did something terrible when i was 18, i hurt someone i love cause i was stupid and selfish and i felt scared and so sad… i don’t know if i’m a horrible person but i would never do that again

Hi, I’ve never shared on here before so please forgive me if this is too much or is upsetting. I’m currently struggling and don’t know what to do/need to vent. Since I was a kid, I can remember asking my mom things like “if I touch this and then touch my mouth, will I get sick?” Or the same question but with “will I die?” at the end. I’ve been afraid of illness, especially stomach illnesses for pretty much my whole life. I’ve gotten very sick in the past after not properly washing my hands and then eating, and it has scared me ever since. Now I’m 25 and constantly wash my hands and use hand sanitizer. If I’m at home I’ll wash my hands in the bathroom, then wash my hands in the kitchen, and then use hand sanitizer. This cycle is driving me insane, but if I don’t do it I’ll have panic attacks, convinced that I’ll get sick. Today, when I was getting up to get ready for work I opened my trash can and saw maggots. I’m home alone right now and had to do all the clean up myself. I’m very afraid of getting sick from this, and called my boyfriend sobbing because of how gross the situation was, and because I was so afraid. He assured me that this happens when flies get in the house in the summer time, but I still can’t get past it. I’m so stressed out about cleaning the entire house. I’ve already showered once and washed my hair, but can’t bring myself to eat or drink because I’m afraid something bad will happen. I’ve been dealing with health anxiety for almost 20 years, and the fact that I spend almost every second of every day worrying about getting sick or dying is a painful reality. I have a difficult time being social, going to work, and being intimate. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel completely hopeless and trapped in my mind. Has anyone dealt with this before? I really need to get help, but I don’t have health insurance right now and am trying to avoid going to the hospital (even though I think I might need to).

i dont ask for reassurance all the time but omg i just remembered when i had this thought(intentional) about what if the guy that confessed that he liked me worked out, we were in 3rd grade that time and i remembrr having the thought that he was handsome or sumshit or like i admire him and like his personality. i dont really remember when i had this thought but it feels recent (probably thid year) mind you, im 17 now and i know deep down that there was never an intention of me reminiscing because he was a kid, infact it didnt even cross my mind that he was (in my imagination) but now that i realized it i feel so guilty because why am i thinking about something that happend when i was a kid. i feel really disgusted pls answer me.

As someone who has bad thoughts , obsessive out of fear will it “manifest”? I don’t want to be a criminal!!

lately there’s just so much I think of when I’m at work. that I’m not good enough, I’m alone & separated from the rest of the staff, under appreciated, etc. I have a leadership role that’s a different branch from the rest of the other leaders & I feel alone in this. they get along fine because they are in a different branch of my job. The one I’m in is separate and doesn’t really need much attention compared to the main branches. I feel like I’m complaining and just need to suck it up. I have been already. I want to leave this job. many factors I can say I guess. first, my pay is slightly lower than a regular employee in the main branches (front of house mainly). then my pay after that fluctuates based on tips & if I get tips. I don’t want to wonder if I made less or more based on tips. (I’m not a server, I’m a delivery driver) I took the position as a leader bc I was promoted and it seemed cool at first but now I’m at my limit. it feels like that one extracurricular at school that barely gets funding and the school focuses on other ‘important’ parts. we have been told that delivery hours will increase (by 30 minutes) and that we need to be flexible to save delivery because business isn’t doing well in the branch. I get it’s summer and there’s not much flow but classes are beginning again and business will rise. we will need people. I am tired. many examples I can throw in but can’t seem to remember. we are short staffed and because I’m a leader, I feel like I have to be there & cover people to help the business. I don’t care for this fucking company. I first joined because I needed money. I took it & now I’m almost three years in. I heard it’s hard to find new jobs. so that’s why I haven’t looked/applied bc what if I don’t find one right now? I know it’s for business & marketing, but I had being associated with the company. hear me out. what I mean is that when people see the car’s design, they know it’s my company & they are like “omg!!” or sometimes say “where’s my food?” yk & I just gotta mask & go with whatever the fuck they’re saying. they only know me as the “[company name] delivery driver” I don’t want to be known as that. I want to make a name for myself. I want people to know ME. what I’m capable off. not a delivery driver at a disposable job. anyway, this past week I had no days off. (except sundays bc that’s when the whole place is closed). reasonable I guess because one person was hurt the day I came in and I said I could cover for them the next day so I don’t think I can complain. but there’s literally no one else who would’ve gone to take care of that shift. if I hadn’t stepped in, my supervisor would tell me to come in. he would ask, but you know with the pressure of being asked to come in. and I don’t want a bad look to me so I just did it. but I also care for the coworker and didn’t want her to worry about her shift, so I feel like I may be acting selfish right now. now I’m getting asked by another coworker if I can take his shift on friday (the only day I’m off). if I do, it would be the second week in a row that I work without a day off (except sundays). I feel like I can’t complain or be upset because I have at least Sunday to take off. but sundays are like cleaning/lazy days for me. (not really cleaning because I can never really get myself to) and then somehow false promises from work??? we are now required to use these ID cards to track our driving skills to see if we’re doing good. and that we would get incentives every quarter of the year if we’re doing good. the reason I’m saying false promises is because an ex-coworker, before he quit, said that one of the reasons he decided to leave was because apparently the incentives were never a thing according to a manager he asked. I will need to ask my supervisor about this because if it’s true, I won’t stand by it. there’s no way u can tell us this & then remove it. also, I’m tired of carrying this branch. I don’t care for the company really. my coworkers are cool people though. I have no beef with anybody. it’s a nice environment but I hate having to stay over my shift and come on days I’m off. not having enough people is not my job. I’m not the employer. all of this I’m dealing with a basic ass teen job. maybe it I actually had my shit together & knew what I wanted to do as a career, I wouldn’t be in this mess. but no, I had to engage in gambling, poor financial decisions and now dealing with two kittens. I love them though and can’t imagine giving them away. I’m just going through a rough patch. I keep telling myself that it’s temporary bc at times I get suicidal thoughts, either bc I want to end it or I feel like I need to & don’t want to. these come up randomly depending on how I’m feeling at the moment. then I have random spurts of “wanting to live a fulfilling life” & it goes back to square one again lol. it’s too much to put on here and I already wrote a lot so I’m sorry for the long post. I’m just trying to get by my day, every day. I told myself at work that what matters at the moment is that I’m here. I’m still here breathing. but it just sucks. everything sucks. well, not everything, but majority of the time it does. I am tired. I wanna stop working here!!!! but I have to complete my 3 years so it looks good on my resume. I am done with this company. it’s a good one, but I am NOT spending my precious time in the food industry anymore. it’s just fast food. I don’t care for it anymore. I just need the money. I’d rather spend my time and actually do some overtime on something I’m passionate about. not some fast food chain. end of rant.

(Tw: thoughts related to zocd and pocd) I have done horrible stuff when I was 9 years old. These events have made my brain go back to them every chance they’ve got no matter what I do to distract myself from them. I am a victim myself during this time also. I’ve already held myself accountable but it’s still eating me up. I am definitely a changed person ofc.

I recently went to my PCP for routine bloodwork, that I wanted, just to ease my mind and make sure there weren't any issues that needed attention. When they called with the results, I couldn't answer the phone. I felt an immediate sense of doom, my hands got tingley, and I just couldn't answer. It took 45 mins of crying, pacing around, and convincing myself that everything was going to be alright, to finally be able to call back. I had this done on my own, I requested this so I could try to stay on top of my health, I had NO real reason to be scared of any results.. My health anxiety seems to be different than the majority of fellow sufferers. Most people will run to the Dr for any and everything. I am the opposite. I don't want to know. I'm terrified. I've been this way since I was a kid.... I want to know that I'm healthy, but actually going to the appointments and having the tests that can tell me that...is like a nightmare for me. Does anyone else have this type of health anxiety? Has anyone found a way to ease the fear? My logical brain tells me that if there ever is something wrong, I'd want to know as soon as possible, so I could get treatment immediately. But my panicky, overthinking brain, is more powerful and won't let me do that in peace. It's exhausting wanting to be healthy and keep on top of things when you can't muster up the courage to go to the doctor like a normal adult. UGH

So I’ve been having a lot of mental obsessions recently and my OCD has mainly focused there instead of physically. It kinda just switched up which is odd and I’m not sure what that means. But it’s getting pretty bad. The ones I’ve noticed so far is ruminating and not being able to let things go. Whenever I get anxious about something I’ll go back and think about it over and over and my mind will keep bugging me about it until I can properly reassure myself. No matter what it is something will bug me and I’ll go on and on for hours thinking about it even just waking up from sleeping. I just recently opened up to my mom about something not exactly bad or crazy but just personal to me because it’s a more softer side of me, and now my mind keeps eating at me and bugging me that it’ll affect something or maybe I said the wrong thing. My mind is just now fixated on a certain part of what I said and keeps bugging me about it and it’s actually pretty stressful. I’ve never dealt with this amount of Pure OCD (I’m not diagnosed yet but that’s what it seems like from what I’ve researched), and it’s getting worse. Another part that is bugging me is not being able to let go of it, no matter how much I reassure myself my mind won’t let it go. I have to constantly get reassurance either from my partner or myself and sometimes that’s stressful because then I’m anxious that I’m being annoying or too much. I honestly have no idea what to do and it’s becoming a lot for me. Can anyone help?

Yesterday me and my bf were gaming and he had a glitch in the game and raged at it because he died because of the glitch which was out of his control and I ended up being startled and left the call on impulse. My ocd always expects an answer in my favour and when an answer is not what my Ocd expects it goes WILD. My ocd expected “I’m so sorry I made you startled my love it will never happen again ” after I told him why I left the call, but he gave me a completely different answer to the positive reassuring answer it wanted. He said we both overreacted and it’s not a big deal he was just letting out some anger because he couldn’t fix a glitch that caused him to lose the game we were playing while mine was working normally. He wasn’t mad at anyone, just the game because he died from a reason he couldn’t control. He couldn’t understand why I reacted the way I did so he couldn’t exactly feel sad about it, just confused. I think my ocd has reacted so badly to this situation because I am used to asking more questions after the initial response my ocd didn’t like, so I can get a positive answer to balance it out and be reassured, but it reacted badly because my bf stood his ground and said he needs to stop reassuring me/babying me in some situations because it’s just catering towards my OCD and I need a positive answer constantly and I somewhat agree because I see how my ocd trying to twist it to be positive is reassurance seeking. It can’t cope with an answer it doesn’t want to hear. If there is an answer that my ocd hates, it paints my boyfriend out to be a bad person like in this situation, a “narcissist with no empathy” ,when actually he admits/realises when he is wrong, he was just standing his ground with an answer and not catering to my ocd being like “awwww it’s okay I’m sorry” and he decided to be honest this time that he was extremely confused with how I reacted in that situation so he couldn’t feel anything. He said he would have possibly reacted differently if I hadn’t of left the call which confused him/stressed him a little and I could of have just said “I need a few minutes” and muted to calm down. He also might of reacted differently if he heard how I was on call if I didn’t leave. I have realised maybe it’s me being sort of toxic with the way I think and I need to get out of this thing where I hear an answer I don’t like and then ask questions until it changes to be reassured. Is it better to learn to sit with the uncomfortableness/ uncertainty of having a negative answer and not getting out of it by trying to “cancel it out” with a positive answer? Do I need to fight my OCD back when it’s being like “oh my god he’s so horrible we didn’t get the answer we wanted to hear! Let’s ask questions until it changes to something we want to hear!” Does anyone else have where their ocd goes wild because you expect a certain answer always and you don’t get it and it’s distressing and you feel like you need to find a positive to make it stop?

My relationship ocd is partner focused and tries to pick apart my bf to show me he’s “bad”. A lot of times I’ll just randomly worry about something old he did or something happens in the moment and ocd latches to it and i bring it up and question him with my heart racing and that classic anxious feeling and need to be “certain”. But sometimes there is times it latches to something he’s done where I feel sick to my stomach with anxiety and can’t tell how I feel about him and wake up multiple times in the night with what feels like a wave of “doom” going over me? And an upset stomach because I’m so anxious. My ocd tries to tell me that these themes are very bad and true because I reacted so badly…. It’s so convincing. Does anyone get the same level of anxiety as me with ROCD?

When I get a new theme the previous theme completely disappears/seems unimportant until there is a trigger for it. Is circling themes a very obvious sign its ocd? If it’s something actually serious in the relationship wouldn’t I get a worse feeling than just “omg this is bad I need to ruminate and search and seek reassurance” There is always one theme in control and my main focus until a new/ returning theme takes its place and the other theme is shoved away in the back of my mind like nothing until it circles around again. Even if the theme I’m currently having seems like an actual problem/super serious a different trigger/theme can occur and the “serious” theme that i was panicking over thinking “is my bf a bad person” can be wiped away and replaced with another theme. Is the constant thinking something is super serious but then it can easily be replaced with another worry a big sign it’s ocd?

It's gonna be my birthday tomorrow. My friends will have a sleepover round my house and I'm excited. At the same time, I feel that it's also triggering my fears. For these past few years, I had a fear of not enjoying the moment (ESPECIALLY in hangouts, vacations, big events etc), so I would constantly do emotional checking, perfect my thoughts or ruminate about it. I'm getting better at managing it, but I've also been having intrusive thoughts of me not valuing my friends enough. What if I spend too much time fixating on the person I'm attached to? And then my birthday will be ruined etc But the thing that's been bothering me the most is that can't control my strong attachment one of my friends (lets call them Mango). Why am I attached, you ask? We've planned to live together in the future. Because of my low self-esteem issues, I was attached because they also have a massive crush on me. Lets bear in mind that I'm also crave romance. For ages, I've had intrusive thoughts that secretly I'm a selfish, manipulative person. Many people say I'm so loving and nice, but I used to have so much doubts. So for example, I was scared that I manipulated them to like me because im self-aware of my attachment issues. I'd be scared to talk to Mango because I feared that I'd lead them on, then my mind pictures them killing themselves because what if I traumatise them 20 years from now because i've had "secret selfish motives". I'd analyse my thoughts constantly. Would I use them? Am I a good person? Am i having the right motives? Do I actually want to live with them or am I lying to myself? Do I genuinely love them (as a friend) or do I secretly dislike them? Have I been lying this whole time? Are they the one? If I'm feeling this anxious, then surely this isn't right. I'm making the wrong decisions arent i? What do I do? What's true and what's not? I keep ruminating. I also feel compulsed to make sure I text and interact with them right, with correct feelings and thoughts or else our relationship will "hit rock bottom". If they don't reply fast enough, or in the right way, it triggers me too. Whenever they say something sweet and genuine, my initial feelings was comfort and being flustered (in a good way). But then I recall those words, trying to analyse if I still feel the same like how I did initially. As time nears my birthday, the intrusive thoughts of them are making me increasingly anxious. I know I have to accept uncertainty. I just hate this feeling. I never feel certain enough. I'm scared to text them. I'm scared of what each feeling ir thought I have could possibly mean. Maybe they dont mean anything. I just hate how my brain keeps picturing me and Mango's friendship ending horribly in the end because of me. Sure, it's all probably made up in my head. Maybe my fears have no link to reality, but I just wish this would stop. I wish I could get help too. I dont know if I actually have OCD, but the things I've experienced really resonated with what others have experienced. What I've typed here are just some of the examples. Say, if i do have ROCD, this would make sense. Being bi with possible SOOCD isnt helping either. Constantly trying to analyse whether my identity is true is exhausting too. All of this is exhausting. I'm so stressed.

Im actually confused is this an intrusive thoughts? when im doing something it feels like my brain is monitoring how i think how i feel or what i say. it would say things like these and i would fall into problem solving, trying to fix or clear any doubts my brain has or clearing out my intention. “ Did you feel anything when you looked at that kid?” “Why did you have that thought? you probably liked it” “Why did you accidentally say that? even though you said you didnt mean to say it, you still said it” (not verbally, still mental) “When you said the person is cute does that mean you see a kid in them? youre probably a pedo because of that” “what do you feel about their younger version?” “what did you think or feel during the interaction?” Sometimes these thoughts would come up to question me and would result into mentally checking what i thought or what i feel when something happend. Or like sometimes a feeling would come or a thought would come, this would make me question myself as to why i had that thought or feeling. Again this would result in me mentally checking or trying to fix or prove that i didnt even mean anything bad or trying to convince myself that its just ocd. I know i should but i feel like i really should clear it up, but at the same time i feel like im doing a compulsion. these are thoughts that questions my intention or why im having a thought at a certain moment which sometimes would come with feelings and make it look like its real which is why i fall in mental compulsions

This is my first post and I’m not sure how I’m exactly supposed to do this lol. But my puppy I recently got has fleas and she sleeps inside since she’s small and it’s hot so I’ve been cleaning my room and around the house and the pup but I can’t do much since she’s too young to take any preventatives. But I keep finding a flea on me and I’ve been anxious to sleep in my room thinking they might be in there or scared to make my room dirty so I’ve been sleeping in a separate room from my house and I recently left for 3 days leaving the care of the pup with my friend. I’m going back home today and I’m worried about the fleas even though I’ve been doing as much as I can. I’ve been relaxed while away but now that I’m returning home I cannot help but think about how I felt when I was home and it sucks because I love my home and being home and I don’t want to view it as negative but that’s how I’ve been feeling :(. And I just want some more hope about this flea situation or advice from people that have been thought this.

I have partner focused rocd and I have been with my bf for over a year now and we have engaged in sexual stuff obviously, my ocd has randomly latched onto consent?? Like there has been times where my bf asked to do something sexual and I’ve just made “unsure noises” and he has said “please” a couple of times and I did the sexual thing. I was fine throughout the sexual acts and wasn’t really uncomfortable but my ocd is trying to convince me I was uncomfortable. My boyfriend and I have autism and sometimes struggle understanding things and need straight forward/clear answers. My boyfriend said a few times he’s said “please” or asked me to do something else after I didn’t say yes is because he wasn’t sure what I was giving off wether I was not wanting to do it or if I was just thinking. The times he’s said please he took it as me thinking. I do see why he would be unsure as sometimes I don’t give a straight forward yes or no sometimes because I am awkward. I asked him if I need to be clearer with saying no because I am a bit of a people pleaser and he said yes and it’s completely okay if I say no and he will be fine if I ever say no and I can make it clear and I don’t sound “mean”. A lot of the time I have low motivation because of ADHD and I might be unsure/can’t be arsed to do it but then he does something and I enjoy it and want to do more because it gave me motivation. My ocd still tries to convince me it’s bad??? Also my boyfriend sometimes does playful silly stuff like smack my behind when I’m infront of him and I do it back and it’s funny but sometimes my ocd is like “omg he didn’t ask that’s really bad!” My boyfriend has said if he does something I don’t want him to do in that moment I can just say no. My ocd constantly tries to make him a bad person. Can Anyone relate/help?