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Does anyone know how to deal with guilt for something you did as a kid that you feel is disgusting and worry that it could have hurt someone you loved.

It literally feels like I’m going insane and that all my worst OCD fears are going to come true. It feels like I’m losing control and that I will do something bad. This is so terrifying. It’s never been this scary. It makes me feel like there’s no way this is OCD. Idk what to do. I’m trying to power through but even writing this makes me feel like I am faking it. Omg. Please someone help me!

I have harm OCD ,my dogs died,my OCD try to use what happened,to convince me or making me afraid,that I could do something bad that put me in jail or hospital

It hurts I hurt a lot of people and the guilt is killing me like actually eating me alive and I can’t even get help my parents are kinda abusive and don’t want me going to therapy cause their afraid they or I will go to jail but I idk if I can go on When I started highschool at 14(currently 15 rn) I had a weird mentality that everything was sexual and that I could date anyone by just telling them I liked them and being honestly creepy. Idk what’s wrong with me I feel so weird like I don’t have crushes it’s just me wanting to have sx with people I find attractive and it’s so horrible. But before I realized how bad this was I hurt people I had 4 friends they all don’t talk to me anymore because I was so sexual with everything I made sexual jokes made everything sexual and just sexualized myself at every turn even when they told me to stop I wouldn’t listen. It’s sick. When I realized this was wrong it was too late. One of them stopped talking to me and doesn’t even want to look at me or wants me saying his name.and one of them says they don’t care but idk I think they do.and I was honestly in a horrible mental state and tried a few times and my other friend had enough of it and just stopped talking to me. I have a best friend who I met online she was so nice to me we used to date but we broke up. And we get close but I betrayed her trust when I sent her explicit butt pics to this 17yr old I wanted pics from and he said he wouldn’t mind me sending them (my best friend was 15) and I was begging this 17yr old for pictures when he declined a lot then the 17 yr old said he was manipulating me and how he was keeping me in a loop of mystery. My best friend found out about the picture thing and she was sick but forgave me cause she didn’t want me self harming IMFEEL sick because of that she put my feelings above hers when I was in the wrong and she said she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend but idk she said she forgives me cauee she knows I’m broken ig but that makes me feel worse. And I also begged this 16 yr old for pics when I was either 13/14 and I feel sick I begged for pics when he declined but my best friend says not to feel bad cause he was grooming her kinda but idk I wanan apologize to him. Lately I’ve been thinking of how I think I s@d someone from my school someone I one or my baby cousins or my little brother and it feels real like it happened and I feel like a pedo and a s*x offender and Ik no one can forgive me idk if I want to go on it feels like death is the only way to atone for what I did . When I told my 4th friend about why my other friends don’t talk to me anymore he didn’t respond I think that cemented how bad I really am how sick I am I’m no different than a child pred or sx offender. My parents don’t even like me they always remind me how I treat them bad or how I’m a bad person. I feel horrible. Maybe I should just be locked up

Started anafranil last week. Anxiety is better but thoughts are still 24/7. My harm ocd thoughts are strictly about my son who I live more than anything and I cry everything I think of a good thought with him. I feel shame and guilt over these thoughts. I keep doubting I have ocd and I'm just schizophrenic which scares me to no end. Any other parents going through this theme? Seeking reassurance but idc if it's a compulsion anymore

Hi, do someone know how to “let go” of intrusive thought? The intrusive thought feel so real that I’m terrified that I’m actually going to act on the thought and I’m so scared. This is so weird because sometimes when I have the thought im anxious and sometimes im not. But even if I’m not anxious im still terrified that I’m going to act on the thought someday. I’m having a lot of different thoughts 24/7 and I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. All my day it’s doing compulsion (physically and mentally) and im thinking about the thought all day and I feel like my head is spinning from all the thought , I don’t know what to do anymore. I started erp yesterday but I still feel strong urge to do compulsions. Can meds help with this? Like can it help being less obsessed over the thought? Cause I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is ruined and I will never recover from this.

I don’t know what to do, I feel so lost and feel like I’m losing my mind… I don’t know what to do, I am still getting the terrible thoughts of “God is telling you to kill someone” and I’m literally mid panic attack, I keep trying to reason with logic because it even says in the 10 commandments “thou shall not murder.” So I don’t even know why I’m getting these thoughts… ugh… people say that intrusive thoughts trigger things you care about the most, which mine would be Jesus & the people around me, which is why I get the harm OCD about people I care about the most.. someone recently said that I could be schizophrenic and now I’m terribly worried that I could have that.. I am so terribly afraid of becoming “crazy” and doing horrible things… can someone please give me tips to help this, and or message me?

I’ve been feeling really really depressed the past few days due to health concerns. I’ve been really feeling down like not wanting to be here anymore and it’s scaring me. I was in the doctor’s office this morning and I got a scary thought that said maybe I should just k*ll someone in here instead of k*lling myself. Then the thoughts continued… this man walked past and I thought “hurt him” I obviously wouldn’t want to hurt anyone let alone a bug on the sidewalk, but the thoughts began to overtake me and I had a panic attack. It’s still bothering me and I’m still scared it’s real and that I’m going crazy. This happens to me a lot after I watch a documentary about someone who hurt someone else. I begin to think I am somehow going to go crazy like the person in the documentary and hurt someone. Although I don’t want to .. I would never ever want to hurt anyone.

I’ve been struggling a lot recently with intrusive thoughts that have really taken over my life. Lately, I’ve got so much thoughts that tells me people I care about, like my mom, won’t have a life after death because of me or my thoughts. It feels like my mind convinces me that these thoughts are true, and the fact that I can’t feel my usual anxiety makes it even scarier. I’m terrified that not feeling anxious means I actually want these things to happen, which I know deep down isn’t true. I’ve had constant anxiety for pretty long and now the last few days I haven’t been able to feel anything. I’m unable to feel any of the love or connection I normally do for my family and friends, and even my anxiety feels dulled. This is so unsettling because in the past, my anxiety acted as a reassurance that I didn’t want the horrible thoughts my OCD was throwing at me. Now, without that, I feel completely lost and afraid that I’ve lost myself. Has anyone else experienced this emotional numbness or a disconnect from your feelings? How do you cope when your OCD thoughts feel so real, but you can’t feel the anxiety that usually comes with them? I would really appreciate any advice or experiences you could share.

I feel like shit absolute shit for months and idk how to tell anyone because my intrusive thoughts are about stuff like flr example today I was in class and I was like I wish and then my brain said I wish I could rape a dead baby but like obviously I don’t want that and it’s really made me sad cause like what if I’m a rapist

I feel like I'm fucking crazy. It literally feels like my ocd has a plan to hurt people like overtime my mind has made a plan and I was already questioning myself because I'm doing erp. I don't want to hurt people but my mind literally feels like its fully ready to do something. I can't do this.

Someone had told me that my religious ocd/harm ocd intrusive thoughts, could be caused by paranoia or schizophrenia, and now I can’t stop thinking that I’m losing my mind and that I’m crazy… my religious ocd sometimes says “God wants you to harm someone.” Or “God is the almighty and can control you and make you do these terrible things” even though I know deep down that’s completely absurd.. it even says it in the 10 commandments.. I’m so lost.. I hope I’m not actually crazy.. I don’t want to hurt anyone..

I would first like to disclose to you all, that I am not actually diagnosed with OCD. I am pretty certain I have it, but idrk at this point. Anyways, I haven’t posted on here before, but I kinda just really want to talk to people about things that have been bothering me. So first of all, every single day for literally the last year, I have been constantly mentally checking to see if things I’m doing are OCD-related or not. The thoughts, the actions, the emotions; they all feel surreal to an extent. I know it sounds stupid, but it gets to the point where I have screaming arguments in my head that never go away and it feels so loud :(. That started when I first learned about OCD and I connected the dots to harm-OCD, which in turn led to a bunch of repetitive research. Next, I would like to ask, do you guys ever have lapses where it gets really bad and then just disappears for a couple months? These last two months have been pretty relaxed mentally, and then school started and my head is trying to kill itself again. But I feel so doubtful now because I no longer have so many symptoms that match up and idk if I’m just faking everything. Like, the harm-ideation has mainly gone away (except to my self because my mind is like “hey it works for other people, you should do it” but I can handle telling myself no), and I’m not washing my hands over and over again to get the sticky feelings away. But idk. Another thing on my mind is surrounded around npd/aspd. Idk about you guys, but my brain is really mean, and I often end up accidentally saying things I really shouldn’t. And as you can tell by my writing, I write a lot about ME. It is super annoying and I have to rewrite texts and stuff over and over because it just seems self centered and I don’t want people to think that I think I’m better than them, because I really don’t. I feel like I’m kinda a jerk and it really bugs me. Do any of you worry about this? I know I’m not a narcissist, but I can’t get it out of my head. And I struggle with empathy, but we think it’s autism so idk. But if it isn’t autism, then what would it be, you know? Also, this is kinda personal but none of you know me so I’ll say it anyways: So my gf was the one who asked me to go to the homecoming with me (I really should’ve asked…) (which I’ve never gone before), and I was kind of being reclusive the whole time we were there. I know it was a dance, but I couldn’t get myself to do much other than holding her hand for like 10 seconds, which on my part is REALLY HARD because idk why but physical touch feels really wrong and inappropriate, even though it’s meant to show affection. But I didn’t do much and she keeps saying that it was all okay and that I’m okay but I’m afraid that she doesn’t like me, and I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable being around me. We’ve been friends for quite a while, and I think it’s okay but idk and I’m so tired of worrying. I want to ask her if she still likes me but I don’t want her to say no ;-;. She is so supportive and kind, and I think she’d speak up if she wanted something to change, but idk. Plus, I watched a video today where a guy’s wife told him that she didn’t love him anymore but she stuck around anyways, and that is NOT helping. Long story short, I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I have procrastinated homework until now… I had a cross country meet yesterday, and today I have wasted the vast majority of my day in bed (after sleeping for 15 hours, may I add…). I’m sorry that this is so long, you guys don’t have to say anything, but it would be really nice to talk to someone. And don’t worry, my parents are trying to find out a psychologist person/therapy (allegedly), but they said insurance won’t pay for it so it might be a while :’c. I don’t think it’s in their list of priorities rn Have a good rest of your evening/day everyone!

I’m struggling with my moral scrupulosity OCD. Whenever a therapist has assigned me ERP in the past, I feel like it goes against my values. Like I obsess over being a good person, following the rules, and in general not causing harm in the world. And I’m asked to do things that go against that? Does anyone else struggle to reconcile these ideas? I want to get better so shouldn’t I follow the therapy.. But also I feel like it makes me hate myself even more. And provides more fodder for my OCD. Is anyone else stuck?

Hi, please somebody help me. I’m living the worst time of my OCD, and I really need reassurance that this is really OCD. I’m wake up already with the thoughts and the emotions, and even the physical sensations. I can’t stop thinking about killing people, I don’t want to stay alone but at the same time I also don’t want to be with certain people. I even question if i like my parents, and my close people. I feel like I Will lose control at anytime. I feel like I am some kind of psycho or a serial killer from the tv series.

My life now compared to when I first started therapy with NOCD has been drastically different. I remember thinking that what I was going through was a case only affecting me. I was miserable, alone, and afraid of the things my intrusive thoughts said I would act out on or become. I was disgusted with myself for having these thoughts/images, frustrated that I kept relapsing back into old patterns, sad that reassurance seeking didn’t alleviate compared to other people. I lost interest in a lot of things that made me happy, family, friends, hobbies. The anxiety and depression wasn’t helping at all, especially with OCD latching onto these symptoms and further enhancing it like some sort of super drug. I was tired of being paralyzed, I was tired of my low self esteem, I was tired of constantly giving in to OCD. I came across NOCD through various Google searches about my symptoms and social media platforms. At this point I decided to try it out, and let me tell you that the amount of psycho education that went into this helped tremendously. Seeing a community of people going through the exact same thoughts and experiences as me, The amount of support backed into this, and the survivors who are living a seemingly “better” life gave me more hope. Throughout my sessions, I cried out of frustration, desperation, heartbreak. It is not easy accepting the truth sometimes, and the same goes with accepting the intrusive thoughts as just thoughts. The amount of patience, self compassion, and mindfulness I learned to cultivate is an ongoing path I will continue going forward with. Some days OCD does not interfere with my life, while others it’s as loud as it can be. Understanding that it’s “Just OCD” and how I do not need to identify with my thoughts is a hurdle that I’m still applying to my life. Relapses exist, but I know that the tools I learned in my sessions can help me be present. ERP being the main help, although very frightening. I will admit I try to find any excuse or avoid my exposures, but my determination, that little voice inside my head that tells me to overcome, that I am capable of facing my fears, pushes me to do them. I encourage anyone reading this to do the same. DO YOUR EXPOSURES. It does not matter if it takes the whole day, a whole hour, or even a simple 5-10 minutes. I would rather live with facing my fears than letting my fears take the life I want to face. I am not stuck with OCD, OCD is stuck with me. As of today, I am taking it a day at a time. I am learning to cultivate a better life for myself. To be more loving, forgiving, and present. To feel any emotion and not numb/make it go away. To notice my intrusive thoughts and let them filter through. Sometimes, all you gotta do is live with uncertainty and accept life for what it is. There will be bad days, but there will also be good days. There is a reason why we fear and react to our intrusive thoughts, and if they were true about ourselves and what we would “presumably” do, we would have done or become them already. OCD attacks our values, so let’s be grateful that we at least have them.

This is extremely hard for me to say I have danced around it in previous posts but I simply cant hold it in anymore. The guilt that I feel for thinking these thoughts is immesurable and is driving me to want to hurt myself. I'm gonna start from the very beginning it all started when I was put on Fluvoxamine back then I had the bad habit of looking every medication that I was on up and with that I found out that a student with another student had brought a weapon to school and hurt many people with it. (I can't even write the word but I'm sure you know what the thing was) The intrusive thoughts didn't start then for some reason but later when at my school we had a threat of someone who was wanting to do the same thing. But then one morning I got the thought of what if I do that. And then it got worse I would get the thought every day. And then summer came by and I thought I would be fine but it came back when I went to school again this year it got so bad that I had to drop out of school. But for some reason I am still getting the intrusive thoughts and they are even more horrible now with images of me doing it, I get horrible urges, and my mind tells me that I want to do something this terrible. I want people to understand when I say this I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone and never have. I have 0 history of violence to anyone and have been in several situations like that where there was a threat and have felt the fear that comes along with that. I don't understand why these thoughts are there. I feel like I need to put myself into a mental hospital. I never want to hurt anyone and never will.

I can't do this anymore I feel fucking insane my mind keeps telling me I want to k word people and if feels like my mind is making fucking plans. I'm diagnosed with ocd but I don't even know if it's ocd what if I'm just a terrible fucking person that actually wants to do this. My mind is literally telling me to go buy a weapon and hurt people like I get fucking urges. I can't keep food down and have not for the last few days I feel like I need to go to a mental hospital but I don't want to burden anyone in my family. Like my mind tells me specifically I want to do this but I don't want to but recently ive been having the thought of what if I did do it but I don't want to. I just want it to stop I'm a good person I don't want to hurt anyone at all. But what if one day I actually do want to do something. I can't do this anymore.

TW (SEXUAL TRAUMA AND FIGHTING AGAINST SU1CID4L THOUGHTS) My POCD hit me hard with a relapse and my brain will not shut up about if I need to delete myself. I don't want to, but my brain is telling me I should, that no pedo, offending or not should live. I don't want to do it to my friends and family. I just wish I could feel relief from all this guilt. It hurts so bad. I don't want to die, I didn't ask for this even if it wasn't OCD. I feel terrible and like if I try to be okay and not condemn myself for these thoughts that I'm throwing away my morality. I have kinks and fetishes that are related to my traumatic childhood, I don't want these fetishes and kinks, but I know I like them. OCD latched on and demanded to know if I would want to watch something worse, something illegal, if I am a pedo because of how my sexuality was twisted and broken at that age. I talked with a sexual trauma informed therapist and explained everything and she said that she didn't think I was a danger or that what I liked was wrong or dangerous. She said it was probably my brain trying to make sense of what happened and cope by giving me control back. Still my OCD is operating in black and white, pure or evil. The fact my kinks are too close to something amoral, illegal and bad that I basically am that horrible bad person. That the only thing holding me back is my OCD and without the condemnation and panic, I'd go feral and hurt someone, an animal or a child. I don't want to hurt ANYONE. God forbid like that. I hate how my sexuality has been damaged. I'm actually terrified of sex, I can't even put a tampon in without crying. I still feel so guilty finding the things I do attractive and am scared I'll find other things attractive that are actually bad. My OCD is demanding to know if I deserve to live. And I want to live, i don't want to die. But my OCD says I deserve it and that I'm evil. It won't shut up. I just want to be pure again even though that's not true and a social construct. I feel guilty and worried anyone who knew about what I like would think I deserved the worst punishment in history. I just needed to vent this out. For the record I am NOT going to delete myself. I won't. My OCD is trying to make me give it an answer as to why I deserve to live.

tl;dr // I feel like my ocd has latched onto the idea of "dont go to bed angry, you never know what could happen and tomorrow isnt promised." and it's really messing with me. One day in high school, my seinor year, I was getting on the bus and I told myself it was going to be a good day.I remeber the morning so vividly. I was listening to my favorite musical at the time and I was practicing trying to be mindful and speak positively at the start of my day to try and have a more positive outlook (a tip I probably got from some instagram info graphic or podcast). That same day, probably in my first or second period, my mom pulled me out of school, frantic, saying that my grandpa had been hospitalized and was critical. We were terrified and we made the 5 hour drive up there. days later, he passed away. I was convinced that me, for the first time, trying to convince myself to have a positive day, somehow influenced the events that led up to my grandfather passing away. I knew then what I know now: words and thoughts cannot manifest real events to happen. I know this, and yet I still catch myself when I think "I'm having a really good day" and hoping I dont jinx myself. All this to say, this type of theme has crept back a little bit today. I got into an argument with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, I got a flood of thoughts saying that since I'm being an ass and bringing up these serious problems that "something bad is going to happen to him at work tomorrow or in his sleep or what if he kills himself or what if there is some freak accident?? You need to apologize for having started the argument and we need to end things better because if not you'll feel guilty and full of regret if something happens, which it will." I told him about it and we apologized to each other and he understood what was happening. we then had a better conversation and we talked and I'm more okay with how things ended until the next time we can pick up the conversation. I think me immediately bringing the argument to a halt because of those thoughts was a compulsion. I also asked him before he fell asleep, if tomorrow could he text me periodically to let me know he is okay, which i also think is reassurance seeking. I recognize this, yet it still feels very necessary and very dangerous if it doesn't happen. how do I even go about trying to find peace with the existence of these thoughts feeling so terrifying and real because of what happened with my grandfather?