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I really think I've developed schizophrenia at the age of 56 after 20 years of harm OCD. I'm so worried and the more I think of it, the worse it gets. I'm so scared. Can anyone relate? I need to get the courage to see a psychiatrist.

TW SUICIDE i’m kinda just throwing this out in the void, i don’t really plan on taking myself off anon because of past experiences i know i’ve had ocd or at least intrusive thoughts for a while, at least 16/17 (i’m 21 now). i had people tell me that had them too that it didn’t mean i was a bad person, and that i didn’t want to act on them. i was doing ok with them for a while until i told the wrong people online essentially people tried to write callouts for me on social media/try to doxx me/send suicide baits. it got so bad that i did actually attempt, although it was pretty half assed (handful of pills washed down with vodka). i put myself into a php a few days later with the sole intention of working on my thoughts, only for them to immediately try to hospitalize me the second i said anything. obviously i shut down and didn’t work with them at all, i was in the troubled teen industry and quite literally got left inside of a psych ward alone locked into the day room for 40 minutes for about a year? maybe more people constantly tried to prove i was a pedophile. any “weird” interaction i had with anyone younger than me, having interest in fandom/shipping/sexual interest in minor characters (i was 17 so honestly a non issue regardless), even posting anime figures at one point people told me was “proof”. i would try to tell them i had this form of OCD, and that would make them tell me to kill myself even harder, like it was proof i jerked off to children or something. i constantly tried to remake my social media and people chased me everywhere i went, it took me deleting everything for a year and completely cutting off almost everyone i knew to get rid of it. it damaged me so much, i relapsed (self harm) multiple times because of it, and the other violent intrusive thoughts got worse during it. i believe people started to attempt to doxx me as well but weren’t very good at it thank god i don’t struggle with the POCD as much anymore, but my harm OCD is really bad. i also have dissociative identity disorder, and i have an alter who has latched on specifically to the POCD so badly i refuse to let him front because i’m terrified he’s going to hurt someone. he’s threatened to do it, and boasted about liking it/hurting me as “punishment” for existing i guess. constantly i get flashbacks that my brain tries to fix, and i get stuck in this loop of these flashbacks, violent thoughts, and trying to “fix” them. i’ve tried to accept them but then my alters just tell me i’m a horrible person and it reflects onto me, or the other alters consistently have to remind me it’s not my fault and i can’t control them/it’s just a disorder. i hate falling asleep because it’s all i ever think about then it feels like. cant really go on trains, i had therapists almost encouraging the behavior by telling me just not to go to doctors when i’d have rumination about not being listened to/blown off/medical malpractice for my disabilities. i’m at least a little better now with my health and sticking up for myself, but it feels like the violent thoughts are never gonna end and it’s just some kind of cruel joke for me existing wrong, like i have all this trauma, literally multiple disorders mental and physical because of it, and my brain will never let me be happy. it has to remind me of my suffering constantly and that 12-15 year old me somehow couldn’t prevent my medical/other traumas and it’s AlL mY fAuLt. not to mention the constant fear that if i talk about this i’ll be locked away forever, like i literally was as a child, and how it quite literally was validated the second i tried to at first. i want help, but help feels like risking my sanity, freedom, and identity as a human being and i fucking hate that. thanks for reading if you do, and i’m really interested to know if anyone else on here is a troubled teen / residential “survivor” i guess. this is only to corrupt, abusive facilities, not ones that actually help people as ik there are some good ones out there. i just didn’t get to go to those. 🫠🫠

i posted this before but i’m freaking out rn has anyone else ever gotten intrusive thoughts telling you that right and wrong doesn’t exist and stuff? like, i get thoughts saying “murder isn’t wrong” “SA isn’t wrong” and i feel the need to prove it wrong so i ruminate and i do a bunch of compulsions because my worst fear is becoming amoral.. on top of that, i get thoughts telling me i shouldn’t fear losing my morals bc “they don’t even exist and it’s stupid” which hurts me even MORE. i posted here last night, i suffered because of a philosophy video i watched that triggered me so bad, saying morals aren’t objective and.. even typing that sucks for me because i get nervous. i don’t want to believe these things. my mind tells me these things and THEN i get terrible harm thoughts about animals, my family, friends. it then tells me that those thoughts aren’t wrong and doin those things aren’t wrong. i’ve been in pain for months and it gets better but as soon as it does it gets worse. i’ve been hiding the true nature of my obsessions but i cant anymore because i feaR these thoughts.. i even didn’t tell my therapist because i’m embarrassed.. nobody else seems to have these thoughts and when they do, it’s a bad outcome. i don’t know what to do

Since my ocd started i feel really weird, like i’m faking my hole life and i’m not the person i know i am, it’s really strange and it’s making me feel like i’m gonna lose control cause i’m not being myself… i don’t know how to explain it but it feels like i’m constantly fighting and every single thing means i’m gonna snap and hurt someone i love

Hi! I've been dealing with something that really bothers me,I'm in therapy for it but I end up being sucked up in a loop of thinking about it all the time. I need help. Ok this is the story,I was having ocd thoughts like always " if u do this,this will happen,if you don't do this,ull attack someone" . That day I had a thought about my nephews,that I'll do something inappropriate with them,I was working in the house and I stopped a compulsion earlier and in that second my brain was like " omg what if something happend now" I continued my work yet was like "did something happen? Maybe I went to their house" lol after a while I was analyzing the thought like " what if I do that,would I feel guilty?" I didn't freak out,nothing,that surprised me. Then I feelt like ,wait what if I really do it,what if I snap?like an urge. If I think about it does it mean I will do it cuz I didn't have any negative feelings about it at that time. I started to ruminate and ask myself "what if I test myself and start the car and go to their house to see what I will do" .."I would probably just turn around or say hi but be in total panick and at the end I wouldn't even believe myself if I didn't do anything. I tested myself with the thoughts. And I got such anxiety rush afterwards while I was working in the house as if I might snap and had to be sure that I'm in the moment and remember everything. When I got to the house of my brother,I had anxiety but I didn't fight it,I thought, ah ill feel it,just continue walking,my mind was like trying to endure it and not analize the feelings,I remember I sit on the couch,we were talking,I went up and waited for my sister to get out of the bathroom and I tought to myself " now that I'm in the house,I could go to the kids room but I wont" .like I was analyzing that now that I'm near I wouldn't do it. But damn when I woke up,I feelt horrible, like I really did something, my kind feelt like it has a blockage,and I feelt horrible and guilty until today,that I cannot tell my brain what really happend. I was analyzing my thoughts and testing in my mind how far I would go that i have no idea now what to believe. I'm doin EMDR now for that day,my question is,is ALL THAT OCD? I was afraid afterwards why I didn't feel disgust that day cuyz of my thoughts. And now I'm spiraling,is that also ocd? And what can I do to finally stop the doubt and be sure 100 that nothing happened. Hope someone can relate

Ive been in treatment for OCD off and on for 2 or 3 years now. Ive been finding myself in a “flare up” after moving and changing jobs. My biggest thorn/theme has been harm, specifically suicide. Just from having gone through this before, I know the line between what’s ocd and what’s truly being suicidal can be blurry. I’ve had people tell me that the intrusive thoughts of death can be OCD or it can be depression. Forever I’ve operated with the belief it’s OCD with sprinkles of depression (who wouldn’t be dealing with this) I guess my worry is that if this is what being suicidal is, I need help, bad. I can tell myself it’s OCD all day, but being it’s the doubting disorder, I ask “what if I’m lying and want to die?” I want this certainty that I’m not truly suicidal and it’s just these unwanted thought. Is it even possible to have that certainty? How can do tell the difference between the two?

Hi everyone. I am new to Nocd. My story: The first time I got intense intrusive thougts of religious ocd is when I was 11 years old. They were very intense. I was ashamed of those thoughts and didn't know what to do with them. I literally didnot tell anyone and suffered alone. It made it hard for me to pray. Over the years it took many forms. I didn't know it was OCD. My mental health deteriorated with waves of depression because of OCD as I got threatened from my OCD thoughts of death of me and my closed ones. They were scary. I also imagined things and felt like seeing things out of fear. These phases of depression brought me down everytime I stood up somehow. Soon I was struck with existential and identity crisis, questioning the meaning of life and existence, nothing seemed valuable and worth it. I questioned my academics and everything. Definetly my grades and health everything deteriorated. It showed in my physical health too. I started having mental fog and questioning reality, my self along with a lot of changes in my life. After class ten, there were suddenly a lot of changes when my mental health was already not okay making it hard for me to adapt. I saw everything blurry and removed. I couldn't connect to anyone. I associated fear to all the things, plus my home. And because I already had so much threatenings of death, I couldn't even recognise the reality. I felt far removed from my reality like I went somewhere far away, a lot of time has passed and there's not much time for me and I struggled with memory too. After 12th, I joined University. One year later, I met a boy with whom I instantly felt sparks. Note: I never dated anyone before and feeling a spark like that with somebody which made me take the step is a lot. I wanted to commit to him but then my ROCD kicked in. I didn't even know about it but I did some mistakes because of it I feel like because ROCD was so intense it made me feel like an emergency to leave the relationship. He had OCD too as he said. He have it in terms of 'perfectionism'. Also he was very sensitive, enraged kind of person, I got to know later on. Had a lot of emotional outbursts making me more question the relationship to leave. We became like an anxious-avoidant couple. I regret many things like what I have avoided if I knew its ROCD and worked on it and so many. He 'abused me. He started abusing me. Idk I started feeling like I made him that kind of a person because he actually compared me with his former gf, with whom he used to even secretly talk. I couldn't get out of the abusive relationship sooner but recently which added extra trauma. Well, here am I 'single' but I feel a lot of guilt and also I need to make my mental health better because this experience made me realise how my bottled up things made an explosion. Thankyou! to whoever reads this! Oh yeah I also deal with a Lott of decision making difficulties, indecisiveness and regret over small things and doings. And also because of my life going like this and getting ruined where there was so many expectations from me, I regret a lot I guess. I think of many possibilities how my life would have gone and always put infront of me possibilities and choices. So I am currently dealing with my thoughts and uncertainty about my future after a Lott of trauma. Oh my god..there is so much

Im not diagnosed, so my situation is more scary :( Today I was in art class, which is really scary to me since because I deal with sexual nasty thoughts, images and urges and we’re all in the same table and that makes us be really tight one to another, and I get really uncomfortable Everything started good, we’re only a few of us and everything was fine and i didn’t have much issue but then a female classmate sits next to me and we start talking, but then idk what came first but i had this thought of me touching her chest inaproppiatly before or after ( i don’t remember) i was talking to my classmate and she answered my question with a nervous tone and the answer was short and, first I didn’t overthink but then i tried asking her more questions and she answered me with the same tone and I got really anxious because why isn’t she answering me? Then she got really frustrated because she didn’t wanted to do her drawing and she was really frustrated all the class so maybe she was answering me weird because of it, and I don’t even know if her answers to me were 100% weird because I haven’t talked to her a lot but I felt like she was ignoring me and now I’m scared that I did do my thought and that I traumatized Then when I had to leave, I complemented her drawing and she just said “yes” so I’m overthinking right now What if it’s true and I traumatized her for life and then she’s gonna acuse me or something even though I don’t know if it’s true aaaaa help

it’s been almost a month since i lost my best friend from passing i’ve been having ocd and anxiety since january tho.. it’s gotten worse since she passed but my ocd has flared up from sleeping issues because i’m on my period but i recently just met this guy last week and we kissed and cuddled he is rlly sweet and i think i like him but a new theme flared up because i’ve been heartbroken in the past and i’m trying to take it slow because i wanna see it if it works out eventually with each other but my thoughts are throwing me off “what if i don’t like him like that?” and our height difference kinda threw me off a bit and i told him i have ocd and anxiety but i haven’t been rlly diganosed with it i just know that’s what i have… but i told him how i feel and it’s just getting me anxious then my scide ocd thoughts are flaring up with it.. like “what if i hurt myself because i’m not gonna make it because everything is just going absolutely crazy rn and so fast rn” and i’m on vacation rn at the beach and i’m just very anxious.. but i have a therapist but she told me u have to have a psychiatrist to know if im diganosed with ocd but everything has been so anxious and yk it just happened meeting this guy he says that he is here for me it’s just idk what i want… but yesterday stuff happened with him and i said this on a group chat with him, his brother, and my friend who is also talking to his brother.. but this message i sent and it got out of hand because his brother and him were upset i’ve just been going through so much and i closed it off because i’m not ready for a relationship.. “ok i’m just gonna type this out ik u guys are busy which is completely understandable… i’m gonna start with this.. yk i’ve been going through a lot with anxiety and ocd and losing my best friend a few weeks ago… my thoughts and feelings have been absolutely confusing to where the point i don’t know what i want… i just felt like this went too fast and i do want to apologize about this.. i’ve been through heartbreak too… i have rlly bad commitment issues. i don’t want to be the reason that i’m hurting you bc i’m not that person AT ALL. i rlly care about u and i think ur an absolutely sweet it’s just everything went way too fast.. and it’s putting me through stress after stress.. i just don’t think i’m ready and just need to know u more as friends first. then see how it goes… it’s just everything is so overwhelming and i’m truly sorry i don’t want anyone to be upset with me. i still wanna hang out out and do fun stuff.. i just think it’s too early to be thinking in a relationship rn bc we just met and it’s confusing my feelings and stressing me out too.. and the other thing is ik ur here for me and i’m here for u.. it’s just im afraid that my issues will effect on u and i don’t want that to make anything worse and i’m not here to hurt anyone so i hope you guys understand and i rlly rlly want this to be fixed” he was upset and it’s been a week and i should’ve said something sooner but NOW we got it worked out just to be friends to see how it goes and it’s in gods hands yk? but now but i don’t think his brother likes me.. so the plan was gonna still for like me him his brother and my friend we were gonna hang out and she told him and he doesn’t think it’s a good idea so me and him are just gonna hang out so i don’t think his brother likes me bc he doesn’t want his brother hurt which i’m glad he is looking out for his brother but i feel like his brother thinks i’m gonna keep hurting him and i was like it’s in gods hands yk? i just don’t understand i feel like i’m always disappointing everyone and my scidal ocd thoughts are flaring up with what ifs and my head feels weird my eyes hurt and IM SO TIRED and i’m literally at the beach rn and i haven’t told my dad or my mom what’s going on yet.. i’m just trying to enjoy my vacation it’s just been hard from going through so much traumatic stuff… :( i just want to know my self worth first before i even think to get into a relationship and i just don’t think i’m ready and again ik i should’ve said something sooner i was just caught up in the moment thinking i could do this but i’m not :(

I started NOCD about 3 weeks ago. I was going good and hopeful for a while but the last 3 days. Loss of appetite. Overwhelming fear and anxiety. Different subtypes going crazy. Harm. Religious. I’m scared my dogs will get parvo from a rescue we briefly had. My friend is in the hospital and I can’t get myself to go see him. I have very few people I can be around to talk because the rest give me that feeling of dread and idk why. I’m spiraling in the thought of why are the meds working suddenly. I don’t want to feel this way forever. Im afraid to take naps. I worry I have something wrong health wise.

I have plenty of stories that The dumbest I have is that while watching a “lofi chill beats study” video, someone in the live chat typed “how’s y’all’s day going?” And typed “poo poo caca caca” (ik) But then quickly deleted because some how in my brain-if I didn’t then then someone who doesn’t like me would appear use that one dumb message to track me down and hurt me and my family-all because I typed caca 🧍

This may make someone uncomfortable. My brother and I have shared a room and bed for our whole lives. I’m a girl by the way. When I was 10 and he was 8, I very slightly pulled down his diaper to smell his fart when he was asleep. For some reason, I liked the smell of farts at that age and I don’t anymore. I’m really scared that I abused him. I told him about this and he doesn’t care and he said it’s not a big deal since we were young. But the guilt is eating me alive. I feel like I sexually abused my own brother. Just to be clear, I’m not attracted to him AT ALL. I never have been. The reason I’m so guilty is because he was asleep. And I don’t remember if I had done it for arousal or not. But if I did, then it would be sexual abuse. I would never ever do anything like this today. I looked it up on AI and it said that this was sexual abuse. I’m terrified. I’ve never ever had thoughts of abusing him and I’m scared that this could possibly be abuse. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep because I feel like I abused my own brother. I’ve had crippling anxiety all day and I’ve had several panic attacks. Please help me. And also please be honest. Am I an abuser?

Lately, I will do something, any small action and thought will get mixed in. A bit different than urges. For example, I moved my fork towards my mom slightly, and in between I had a thought that I was doing it to st*b her. Or, I will brush my teeth and if I drip water it feels like I'm doing it to contaminate others. Sometimes it shows up as feeling or thoughts and most of the time I cringe as soon as I realize. This is just worse because they're being mixed with my actions, and I'll question whether it was intentional or not. It also feels scarier to bring up to a professional in fear I'll get reported.

Hello! So this is a form of harm ocd i suppose. Recently I have developed a theme that when i leave a drive way, residential street, parking lot, or school zone that i may have ran over a child and didn’t know. It started slowly, from rechecking in my mind, to getting out and looking, to turning back and going to check if anyone is there, to finally installing a dash cam to record the areas above. The image in my head for some reason is always a little kid, because my mind out that thought there. I tried ERP myself without a therapist and it is soooo hard to do. My sibling has OCD thats how i was diagnosed. Had it my whole life, misdiagnosed once for adhd, as a kid then finally OCD as an adult. The doubt and anxiety is paralyzing. 😤

i’ve had a pretty good day after my harm thoughts relapse. however, i still will get this feeling of dread and state of panic when the thoughts try and take over my mind. i was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and it hit me hard for a minute, but now i’m okay. i just keep thinking about last summer and how i REALLY do not want to repeat that. i want to have a good summer. i don’t have a therapist and am not able to get one at the moment. i’m not even diagnosed and trying to get my mom to get me a call on here is not looking good. so i need advice on how manage that feeling because when i feel it coming on, i start to think about what if those thoughts, urges, and feelings will be my life for forever. that makes it so much harder to try and sit in the discomfort and let my thoughts just be thoughts while still proceeding on with my life.

Peanut butter has been one of my go to snacks since I was a kid, I eat it by the spoonful right out of the jar, or I use to. It was around two years ago that the brand I always got had a recall for a possible salmonella outbreak and ever since then I haven't been able to eat peanut butter and it makes me so sad. I can eat things with peanut butter in it, like candy but not just peanut butter. I keep getting jars of peanut butter, determined to get over this fear but I always fail. This time it's extra frustrating. Last week I got another jar and I even look at the old recall notice again and the numbers on my jar aren't listed and not only that but there was never an outbreak, all tests came back negative it said the recall was just a precaution basically but even then I can't bring myself to eat it. It's extra frustrating now because OCD wise I've been doing a lot better in a lot of ways and I thought I was finally getting a grip on things but this all reminded me how crazy and unwell I still am. I keep trying to psych myself up to just eat it and I'll see it's fine and I'm fine but the more I try the worse my anxiety gets it. I think I had salmonella before, or some type of food poisoning and it was so traumatic and scary that a decade later I almost never have a day where I don't think about it. Any advice on how I can overcome this?

I’ve only been in ERP therapy for a few weeks. Recently I feel frustrated like it’s not working. I know I probably need to give it more time and that it may take quite a while but I’m looking for advice here. My therapist is doing a good job but I feel like I need to be doing different exposures. Right now we’re working on things more specific for someone with triggers like putting a belt around my neck, holding my gun in my lap all while saying I’m going to kill myself or I’m going to shoot myself. I don’t have specific triggers though. Mine are more mental and I feel like I need exposures that are going to help me because I constantly say “I’m going to kill myself” or just “kill myself.” Does this make sense?

I have some questions for anyone experiencing this subtype. I have been constantly in fight or flight anxiety for the past 6 days. My heart is beating out of my chest, I can’t sit still, and I hate being home alone/ bored. My mind tells me that it’s only a matter of time before I do something cause I won’t be able to handle this intense anxiety anymore. It’s really scary and really distressing to me. Can OCD convince you that you want to do something even when your body language is screaming no? Any suggestions on how to manage this/ has anyone else experienced these feelings? Thanks in advance!

is reading through posts to find someone to relate to in regards of a symptom a compulsion? i do that all of the time because i feel like an outcast even though i’m not diagnosed. i literally feel like i won’t get diagnosed, but instead i’m just using ocd as a way to deny who i really am. another thought i’ve been having is what if i have anxiety because i can’t act on it instead of because i’m scared i will act on it? i typically relate my feelings to all of this too and it feels like i want to everytime i think about it. however i’ve never done anything remotely harmful. i actually am staying with my sister for the week hoping it will help the thoughts and alleviate them since i’m more isolated. and no matter how much proof there is or how much i remind myself of who i was before this that i’m not this person, the urges and feeling like i genuinely want to i get when the thoughts come just overrides everything.

I saw this stupid TikTok about ‘sanpaku’ eyes and different eyes and what they mean and it showed these serial killers and how white shows at the top of their eyes and they pull a shocked expression and it’s like a psychotic look they pull and then I started pulling faces in the mirror like widening my eyes like in those pictures and then last night I was doing it infront of a mirror and I don’t know why I done it for a long time and quite a few times and it got to the point where I was staring so hard into the mirror pulling that face thag I literally felt demented or literally felt in that moment that I’m actually evil and the fact I felt like I wanted to pull that psychotic face like it felt like I actually wanted to pull the face and imagine that about myself and I know I use to test myself a lot with thoughts but this literally felt real like there’s something wrong with me and then it felt like something inside me wanted to smile and that I’m ‘holding back a smile or happiness’ like it almost felt like I enjoyed pulling that face and trying to imagine I’m evil and then I’m think there’s some people who try to imitate these evil killers and why do I keep doing things like this like I have no reason to be pulling those faces and Idk if I’m confused but it felt like I almost ‘enjoyed’ imaging that about myself or pulling those faces. Now it feels like I’m obsessed with doing that eye widening thing and throughout the day I keep doing it and the fact it felt so real that I’m evil or it almost felt like I got mesmerised looking at my face pulling that expression in the mirror like I kept staring and it felt like I wanted to pull that face but why would I want to see myself pulling a psychotic/Demeted face and someone asked me something like are you experimenting and trying to see how you feel if your evil or how those evil people feel but that literally sounds like something someone evil would do now it feels like I’m addicted to pulling that face and I don’t get anxiety I just felt demented in that moment of pulling that face what does this mean? Idk how to deal with this and I get no anxiety or anything anymore like why am I trying to imagine myself being evil or model myself on these evil people it’s almost like I’m trying my best to convince myself I’m evil instead of trying to prove I’m not or what if it’s because I actually am evil or want to be someone said you would know to you wanted to be and I say to them I literally don’t know if I’m like that or want that I’ve become so confused before I knew I didn’t but now I don’t. Even know what I feel someone said to me ‘do you feel happy imaging those things or you would know if you like it’ and it feels like I don’t even know because I’m believing it so much and the face I’ve been pulling since I watched that TikTok literally Looks so demented like I actually look evil and it feels like it’s stained me doing that face like I feel like I’m actually evil because of pulling that face