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Hi! its been a long time since I've posted here so a lot of things have happened in a year , I've become so confused and weirded on my experience. Since I was 14 (now Im 19 turning 20) I developed a strange behavior of coming from thoughts of me telling me that (I am gay) and after 3 years of constant horrible thoughts and watching porn 4-5 times a day I developed new tastes for gay porn , I just started to like it , I didnt feel like there was SOocd anymore and considered myself as Bi all this time and I felt neutral about it. After watching gay porn I developed another dopamine hit by sexting with other guys , jerking etc and it was weird cause I didnt have any interest in guys outside porn and it went for like 1(1/2) years like this , after this I developed a new taste that got me on the extreme part I was curious and decided to experiment with a guy , I was full of pleasure for waiting to experience the thing I thought would feel good , so I had sex with a guy and I gotta say it felt really horrible , it wasnt satisfying or pleasurable but it only hurt and left me traumatized and shamefull about myself to the point I stopped doing the past activities till after 2 weeks , then I started again doing the same stuff and watching gay porn again until I started watching this one video and it felt kinda off , it wasnt turning me on I felt weirded and discusted by it so I remove the tab and stopped watching gay porn since then , why am I coming here after being convinced so far ? well now that I feel off Im having a theory that all this was caused by my porn addiction cause no matter what I never felt anything for a guy outside only some kind of "false attraction" and thats it ! And on my past I was crazy about girls and to this day (on my 3rd relationship rn) , and now I feel confused and in fear that I may have gotten STDs , still the question remains Was my porn addiction responsible for all of this circle of madness ? Thank you (P.s I apologise for the triggering details)

Lately ive been questioning my sexuality due to a thought that ive had for a long time but never dwelled on the thought was about me liking my girlfriend more when she identified as a male and does that make me straight.. I still love my girlfriend and love hanging out with her but before she detransitioned i felt like our relationship wasn’t as bad and healthier and my anxiety has made me feel as if it was healthier because im only into men and that I have no interest in being with women despite me being deeply attracted to them.. I also feel like im putting on a persona or faking it just for the “trend” I used to be so certain on my sexuality but now im just stressed thinking about the possibility of being straight and I feel guilty about possibly lying to my girlfriend im constantly needing reassurance and asking people if im straight and looking back at past experiences to see if I am or not and I think the worst part is that I havent been diagnosed with OCD but ive had plenty of thoughts like this before that i’ve stressed over.

I had same Sex fantasies, sought that out in 🌽 before I knew what sexuality was, it’s related to a specific fetish and I used to talk to strangers online including men and I’m scared now what all of this means, I have HOCD, POCD, all sorts of thoughts but I don’t know if it’s my thoughts or my past which is reality. Why did I have those thoughts as a young boy? Why why why? Who am I? Do I even have OCD? What monster am I? I just want to end it all sometimes in all honesty. Not really but sure feels like it. I’m dying inside .

Hi I kept seeing this app on repeat on TikTok over and over and I thought I give it a shot. I have never been diagnosed with OCD but I know that I have it. I’m a young adult and I found out the first time I had OCD was watching lelelons truth video? I was 14 at the time She had to resist sitting back down in a chair after her having sat down she started having a mental break down when she was told to resist. That’s when I knew. It started with myself going up and down a staircase twice buckling unbuckling my seat belt everytime I’m in the car ect I have always been super anti social but trying my best I can socialize but my mind wants to make it sexual with family and friends ughhhh I hate it because that’s not me when I graduated thoughts of hurting my loved ones corrupted my mind I broke down outside of church one time asking if this was really me or not i question if I’m a good enough friend or person in this world to begin with thinking everyone is judging me so so close how can I make this situation better did I do something wrong I struggle with depression as well not to bad but it’s there I come from a loving family but broken as well i believe in god and my OCD makes me go often he’s not real that stuff isn’t real no one is there to save you the list goes on. Anyway I struggle a lot and I really hope that this will help me because I feel extremely hopeless. Lucky for me I do have the ability to seek therapy and I am excited. The only person I ever tell my thoughts to is God no other human has heard so I’m really really hoping this helps me out if your reading this thank you it means a lot because this is my first time ever admitting all this it’s a lot to take in I know and I hope you are ok and that you have a great night and know that we got this

I just wanna get this out there cuz I’m gonna be up all night if I don’t. I’m scrolling on Instagram and sending cute things to my bf alongside some funny ones. Balance lol. Anyways. As I was sending them I didn’t get that rush of joy I used to feel when I did. Or the feeling I used to get when I told him I love him. I don’t feel those heart poundy good emotions lately. I think I love him. I don’t think about him often tho, like not all the time. If im doing smthn he’ll pop into mind and I’ll text/call but that’s it. I don’t get super giddy at the thought of him, I smile, but I don’t feel as warm. Why. Where is that feeling? I know love is a choice but what if im making the wrong one? I don’t feel Andy anxiety over the thought of breaking up and it pops up more and more and im worried my brain is trying to tell me smthn. Idk if it’s my intuition or not. Im worried im gonna fall out of love. Or have never loved him and have been faking it this whole time. Im scared I won’t be sexually/romantically atttacted to him anymore in the future when we get older. I’ve never been in a relationship this healthy for this long. What does a long healthy love feel like? I used to feel this intense heart pounding whenever we touched and when we made out it was like electricity, maybe cuz it was bew and it was my first time being sexual. Sex and making out still feels great. I crave it less which worries me. Maybe it’s stress and anxiety. But it doesnt feel as intense. And I’m worried I’m performing I’m worried I don’t love him enough I’m worried I don’t love him as much as he loves me I’m scared I’m gonna blow up our lives if I figure out I’m a lesbian. My brain has just been repeating and asking “wouldn’t you be happier with a woman? You’re bi and have never actually dated a woman” ok so what? I’m happy with the man I chose. Idc. I doubt I’ll regret not sleeping with someone else or dating around. I’m scared of every possibility of us getting married. I am not of his culture or religion. Idk what I’m doing Kids as well. Idk if I even love him rn, I’m so confused. I still feel happy being around him but how do I know if i only enjoy it platonically and not romantically? What if I fall in love with one of my friends/have intrusive thoughts about them while having sex? Or think about having sex with them. I don’t wanna think or do any of that not just cuz I’m in a relationship but because I just. Don’t want that?? None of these thoughts cause any anxiety. No physical symptoms of panic or stomach upset that I usually get. I’m exhausted. I feel numb. Someone please help and explain.

I don’t know how to even properly word my thoughts on this. I turn 18 in 4 months, I am a senior in high school and have an art project due which is supposed to represent how I feel I’ve grown or what I want to do with my future as an adult. I don’t feel like I’ve even grown at all, it’s like I’m on autopilot with my life and I don’t care about what I become in my future or how I’ll get there. I visited what everyone around me thought would be my dream college but I didn’t feel anything at all. I can’t see myself as anything but a kid, I don’t have any more passion for my original stories, they just give me a headache to work on and I get sent into compulsive loops trying to make sure it’s perfect. I feel like turning 18 is an expiration date but everyone around me tells me it is the complete opposite, that I should look forward to being something other than a high school student, but I just don’t care. I have no real emotions on it besides fear and general apathy, I don’t want to become “old” or not a teenager, I still feel like such a child, like I haven’t lived a complete teen life. Articulating emotions has gotten harder too, sorry if this post sounds really rambley and confusing. Point is I’m scared to become an adult and start a life because I don’t feel like I care enough to do that, I feel like I’m just going along with whatever the adults in my life tell me to do and I don’t feel a sense of desire to be responsible or grow up or create art anymore. I don’t wanna say I’m depressed because I do feel happy, especially when I’m doing things I like to do or speaking with people I like, but I just don’t feel like life matters much in a future lense. I’m tired.

Hi, Sorry for the short title and reduction on words, it’s just you can only use 50 characters, Now what confuses me is I have been diagnosed with HOCD and told I am not gay or bisexual, but then people keep responding saying it doesn’t mean you are not gay and slightly confused as my therapist said it does, Now what’s confused me is a girl called Ellen Warren was diagnosed by NOCD with sOCd and realised she was actually a lesbian. I am freaking out. https://iocdf.org/blog/2021/06/21/bisexuality-sexual-orientation-ocd-double-invalidation/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/bisexuality-so-ocd-the-invisible-so-ocd https://www.treatmyocd.com/my-ocd-journey/is-it-really-poison

I'm afraid to speak to a therapist and tell them something I did as a teenager because I don't know if it's a crime or not and what if they report me? I feel like I can't even get help I can't get rid of this guilt unless I get help but if I get help I feel like I might ruin my life. I'm so stuck!

does anyone else experience extreme fear of developing psychosis or schizophrenia or derealization. I literally freak myself out so much that it makes me physically sick. I’m so scared of developing these and it keeps coming up all over my TikTok and Google. It’s freaking me out.

like should you just say you’ll struggle with ocd? because everytime ive told about my false attraction thoughts, its ruined relationships and friendships so should i just not tell the themes? especially because im a teenager and teenage guys arent very understanding. so do i just not tell the themes. because i also have it with religious stuff, and sexuality? so idk. and confessing is a really bad complusion of mine, so should i just say i have ocd, and have intrusive thoughts or what? please someone help.

A few years ago I was watching porn and stumbled across a very grotesque video. I do not wish to say many contents of the video but included an underage person and a person over the age of 18, it was very inappropriate and boarderline sickening. Just a few days ago my mind jumps back to the time I stumbled across the video and my mind immediately starts jumping to conclusions that I’m pedophile. As well as my mind making up different scenarios that could’ve happened when I saw the video because I don’t remember in full detail of my thoughts looking back at it now. Such as my mind saying i’m a pedophile. Even though i’m not. I know i’m not. I haven’t ever reached out to those kinds of videos voluntarily and I have deleted the browser that I would normally go on for pornography. I’m very lost since and I’m having an internal battle with the myself and my own mind. It has made me feel sick to the stomache just thinking about when I stumbled across that video involuntarily. It has made me feel as though I don’t deserve the love, happiness, and support i’m getting today. Please if anyone has any tips on how to help letting go of past mistakes or moments like such reach out to me. This app has brought me some ease because it doesn’t make the other moments I face struggling with OCD a problem I face by myself. My OCD has ruined my past relationships to the point where I am agreeing to never get into a relationship again. I’m only 17 and I feel completely trapped. Since yesterday marks the second year I was diagnosed with OCD.

Really bad theme right now is death, I keep thinking about how one day or at any moment my heart will stop my brain will stop & my memories & everything I know will all fade away. It is giving me so much anxiety I’m only 18, but I realize it all happens to us it is bound, we are born to die. I know it’s a silly thing to be scared because it’s not helping the quality of my life worrying about it and even when I do die, I won’t care , if you don’t have a working brain then how can you care 🤷‍♀️. It is tainting my everyday life currently & honestly making me terribly depressed & it is giving me derealization & making me feel nihilistic, I’ll remind myself it’s okay but then with my ocd i don’t stop thinking and thinking about it and it’s seriously so hard to stay present in the moment because this thought just feels like I can’t scrub it away it’s miserable I struggle with religion, but I do pray to anything that’s out there possibly listening, because it is comforting, it just feels like this whole experience Is pointless & I am afraid of the unknown and what is to possibly happen but I’m subjected to it anyways so why should it matter

I've found myself writhing on the ground from intrusive thoughts of my past. I have bruises all over from me hitting myself. Every waking moment is a nightmare, I can't do anything. Can't let people be mean. But standing up for myself turns into cruelty. Cruelty turns into a loathing, and then I fear that everyone hates me. I wish I could die, and live again. I don't want to lose my life, but I can't live like this.

I have developed some obsessive thoughts about death/ dying since my aunt passed in early November - she was old and had a lot of severe health issues. A few other people knew passed away also recently from drugs and accidents. I am 23 and pretty healthy and I can't stop what iffing every possible death thinking it could happen any second and hearing about other people dying is extremely triggering for me. I am a Christian so I believe I will go to heaven but I am constantly panicked that something bad will happen to me and I am so terrified of dying young. I look stuff up all day trying to calm down and kind of soothe this feeling. Idk if its OCD, then sometimes I am ok then the cycle repeats or I get triggered hearing about death. I literally have lived on reddit the past like 2 months trying to make myself chill. I have developed something where I gag almost everyday from anxiety and stress, so i went on Zoloft and I'm about a week in. I just want to live my life and I know death is inevitable and theres nothing I can do but IDK how to stop ruminating and stop wasting my 20s worrying about this its truly torment. Everyday I am like what if this is it and then I panic and ruminate in bed all day. I also get freaked out on hearing OCD voice in my head saying the most random things like am I gonna die soon or am I just OCD/anxious depressed. I also had the same issue in 2022 but I was obsessed with the thought of suicide and was so so scared I would lose control of myself and hurt myself, and I had NO desire to do that it was just so strange. Eventually with meds it went away and I got so much better. This time it feels so much worse bc obv no one escapes death.Side note also when turning to God for help I recently have had like a huge fear of God like not a normal one but just thinking he's gonna kill me early or whatnot and struggled to pray or read bible because it triggers the anxiety. I've envisioned dark stuff about me dying and been terrified to drive or be in big crowds as a kind of control to avoid dying. I am starting therapy soon, but appreciate any words of wisdom.

17+ only or you’ll be blocked. I saw someone get canceled for drawing cheese pizza and zoophi// when they were 13-14 and at this point I want to be confess what I did. It eats at me and seeing all the comments about “maybe just don’t do bad things, this is the consequences you have to deal with.” Or “no, anything from 13-15 is unforgivable” I’m so done, I feel doomed and I feel like I ruined my life because I did something unforgivingly wrong and I will never deserve happiness. When I was 15, I viewed a inappropriate disgusting video on a website, no it wasn’t a weird video, it was actually bad, like get in trouble bad. then I regretted it once i realized what had happened, it was like my brain turned on after it happened and I realized what I was doing was wrong, I cried every night, and I didn’t eat or anything because of how much I regretted what I had did. It took me a year to recover because I would punish myself every single day and even now when I see these videos I go back to punishing myself like I did for a year, almost two years ago.

Hey guys! So I'm about to post a message of encouragement by using my story to inspire others-if you are in a place where you are probably going to compare your journey to mine and that won't be beneficial to you, please do not keep reading, and preserve you're own mental health :) So since I was 8 years old I have struggled with OCD that could be at times debilitating. By the time I was 13 I had spent years of my life with a combination of intense anxiety, and extreme depression from the anxiety. I often had existential fears that I was a terrible person, and my undiagnosed ADHD at the time didn't help-I could be impulsive, which would then later lead to OCD making me feel shame for actions I regretted to an unhealthy and unmanageable degree. When I was 14 I developed a serious eating disorder that affected me throughout all of high school. I underwent treatment at an inpatient, residential, and php level for about 6 months or so midway through junior year. I was convinced that my entire life would be just bouncing from one obsession to the next, and that my eating disorder would be ever present-that I would never eat normally again. I was convinced I would never be able to exercise in a non-disordered way again, that I would hate myself forever, and that my moral OCD concerns would plague me forever. As I was recovering from my ED and my life started to open up again, that left room for all of the OCD that I had never unpacked, and had just buried underneath my eating disorder, to rear up again. That floored me and caused an intense depressive episode in senior year. But throughout all of this I worked my ass off-I kept trying medications (with the help and expertise of a psychiatrist), I found a great therapist, and for the first time in my life, I actually confronted the fears and self-hatred, instead of just doing compulsions and seeking reassurance. I kept improving and improving, and then when I went to college I told myself that I was gonna hit the ground running with ED recovery, and I did. By establishing that basis and training my brain that this new environment was an environment for my recovered self, I made exponential progress. I just finished first semester of freshman year and am happy to say that I love my body, I accept its potential changes, I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, I am balanced, and happy, and I don't think about food beyond the normal amount whatsoever. I also am working on the OCD and have managed to build a healthy, communicative, and growing relationship with a wonderful guy who I absolutely love to pieces. Over Christmas I had several little anxiety moments and days, but not once did I go to him for reassurance, and I coped through all of them, breathing and leaning into the discomfort. I have never been so mentally well in my entire life. I was told I would never be ED free. I was told I wouldn't go to college even. And yet...I am an eating disorder survivor, with autism, ADHD, and OCD, and I have friends I absolutely love, a full life, an amazing college experience, a man I love, and a love for myself. I am not perfect. Now that I am able to be in relationships I tend to struggle with an anxious attachment style that I am working on. But I now know that my family and friends were right all along- I could do it. Everyone is different. There is no shame if you struggle more than someone else, and no shame if you don't "fully recover" from something. What is true though-is that your life can feel completely empty, broken, and over, and within a year it can completely change. As someone who never, ever, thought they would be here..who has had significant mental health struggles since I am able to remember-I have never known a life as good as this, and you never know how good it can get. I think a lot of us are scared to find out how bad it can get. If you have lost hope, try to get curious about how good it can get.

Hi everyone! I’m currently in a space of constantly worrying about dying- specifically in my sleep. If I don’t do everything in my routine during the day (and to a point where it feels perfect), I’m worried that I’m not going to wake up the next day. I’ve tried comforting myself by reminding myself of times I didn’t do compulsions and the thing I was trying to avoid at the time didn’t come true but my brain can only remember things that eventually came true, even if it was for a totally unrelated reason than not doing compulsions (ex: at one point I was so scared and so obsessed with being fired, I constantly did compulsions to “not get fired”. I eventually did get fired but because the company implemented a rule that anyone who missed sales goals for two months straight would be fired. I was so caught up in my OCD and anxious all the time that I couldn’t focus, even had to take medical leave to “chill out” and then didn’t make my goal and was fired) In that scenario, I know the logical reason I got fired wasn’t because I didn’t do compulsions but all my brain can think is “see, you were so worried about it, you stopped doing the compulsions, and look, it happened” So now I’m terrified. I was wondering if any of you could maybe share any stories or experiences? Have you ever had the fear of getting really sick, dying, having a loved one die, etc. stopped doing the compulsions and it still hasn’t happened?

It feels like I’m lying to myself constantly and everyone. There feels like there is a weight on my heart from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep. I don’t want to be gay. Idk why it doesn’t register. Now everyone I see I have to see if I’m attracted to them. I see good looking men and I feel like I’m lying to myself that they are good looking, I see women and I see if im attracted to them. I look at everyone and I feel jealous. I want my fucking life back. But now my OCD (if this is even OCD) is telling me I was never happy and I was always suppressing my feelings of being gay. Why is this happening? Can OCD do this? I can’t enjoy anything ever.

I’ve been feeling so disconnected lately, like I’m not even living my own life. It’s like I’m being controlled by someone else, and I have no say in what’s happening. It’s hard to put this feeling into words, but it’s like I’m here physically, but mentally, I’m just... not. Every day feels like a struggle. I wake up afraid of what’s coming next, almost like I’m bracing myself for the next bad thing to happen. Sometimes, I don’t even want to get out of bed because it feels pointless, like I’m stuck in this loop of fear and doubt. I keep questioning everything, life, my purpose, my choices, and it’s exhausting. I just want to feel like myself again, to feel like I have control, like I’m really here.

Took my blood pressure 2 days ago at doctor and it was high I just took it at the pharmacy and it was high again now I can’t stop thinking about it about it and how I m gonna die from this