I've found myself writhing on the ground from intrusive thoughts of my past. I have bruises all over from me hitting myself. Every waking moment is a nightmare, I can't do anything. Can't let people be mean. But standing up for myself turns into cruelty. Cruelty turns into a loathing, and then I fear that everyone hates me. I wish I could die, and live again. I don't want to lose my life, but I can't live like this.
I have name my intrusive thoughts Bob. Bob is an asshole and a liar I never trust a word he said
@Anonymous Same I will literally insult my brain lol it actually helps!
Thats hilarious š. I named my ocd Gary
I understand how you feel, it wasnāt until I decided that Iām not going care if the intrusive thoughts are true or not and just go on about my day instead of ruminating, or checking for reassurance. Accept the pain and itāll eventually pass. You have to really not care, I literally tell my brain I donāt give af with conviction. I hope this helps š
Yes. Thank you so much.
Hey, just wanted to relate when it comes to standing up for myself. I constantly have dreams of me defending myself or doing something violent. This makes me villainized by many of those around me in the dream. Iām just sharing some of my story too. In terms of what youāre feelingā¦ I understand. When I feel like a bad person, I always remind myself that life is never black or white. It is an array of colors, like a spectrum. There are no villains or heroes. Breatheā¦ I promise you, you arenāt a bad person or hated by everyone, we are way more complex than just being good or bad. Also remember that taking care of or defending yourself is never selfish. Take care, you are not alone.
I get you. I don't do the hitting part but I struggle to make boundaries and stick up for myself. It feels mean to in my eyes. Not if others do it tho, only me. Cause I worry my feelings aren't valid or ill be hated. I put alot of pressure on myself to be the best person. Like not only a good person but one of the nicest people anyone will meet. Which may sound nice but the pressure I put on myself, not even others putting it on me, is awful. Sometimes I get memories from when I was little, like really little like 5 or 7 years old and I feel guilty for dumb stuff I did.
I am 16, my name is marie. I am in desperate need of help. Here are afew of my stories. 1. and ever since I was 8, I want to say, I have struggled with POCD. I always felt like a predator to my younger niece and cousin. Iāve grown to hate her for solely no reason, and with my two other nephews that came along, Iāve also grown to hate them. Only because I donāt want to seem like a predator, even though itās in my mind, do I want others to know I hate them and have no liking for them. There were other cases where it isnāt my niece and nephews and I just always had a hatred towards children I felt like if I actually had a bad experience with them I wouldāve seriously harmed them. 2. I have no connection to watching Gore, or I was never exposed to Gore until the age of 12, which was a hard year for me. In 2019-2020, I believe it was when a complete stranger, Ronnie Mccnut, killed himself on a livestream, and people made it an internet meme for years after, and still to this day, I see it. I canāt remember if it affected me at 12, but that was the only time I saw it. Now, at 15, in March 2024, it came back to me. It feels like a curse. Iām just so tired. The same nightmare has been going on for months. Since March, itās more just memories than just nightmares. It feels stupid because I donāt know the guy, but I always have nightmares of him, and I havenāt even seen the video since I was 12; ever since. I cannot sleep ever since I have had no proper sleep schedule and could only sleep when it was daylight at 6-7 a.m. and wake up at 2-3 p.m. My friend is not helping; sheās saying heās spirit is attached to me, and Iāve lived thinking for the past few weeks that he was attached to me and wanting to curse me in some way and I felt like I had to kill myself/ felt like I was going to die the same way as him. I always had a fear that if I came to someone online and told them my intrusive thoughts, theyād always use them against me. My other friend who is diagnosed with OCD says I have all the symptoms and I just need to be treated. I canāt afford it, and I hate therapy.. my father is always involved for the consultation and laughed at me the last few times. I was forced into an eating disorder clinic from my narcissistic sister and that did not go well. Ohio health care is no help and they donāt care for you. 3. I donāt remember much but around age 14 to beginning of 15 I always felt the need to die, I felt like I needed to kill myself for everyoneās sake thereās no explanation for this one I was a normal kid I was going to school, good grades I have friends I was going to events I just had this task to having to kill myself, yes Iāve attempted a ton at the age of 14 and luckily I havenāt had any serious harm done to me. There is nothing more to say to this itās a fuzzy memory.
I don't know how to heal, I don't know what's real and what's fake, im so scared of my past, I cannot look forward to the future, I want to forget it all, I wish I was born different, I wish I wasn't me, why am I like this, why do I think like this. How can I stop this. It's impossibly to stop this, ill never stop this, I don't care if I can "learn to live with it" or "manage my anxiety" I just want it to stop existing period. I dont want any of this, I shouldn't have to manage anything. I just want to be free from this life and from my past.
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