Welcome to
the NOCD Community

QUITE a few years ago i had a dream of judgement day and i wont detail it. however it was scary. i keep having intrusive thoughts about it. how do i make it stop

It’s so sad to see how many people are affected by this, I as a person am too. I feel like it’s a never ending cycle, my family is living with a monster for the mistake of my teenage years, guilt. I consider to get off this earth, others deserve forgiveness and empathy but I don’t. I’m so sorry to those I hurt, affected, or even could’ve. This guilt from my teen years eats me up alive and I feel like I can’t do it anymore, if only anyone knew how sorry I am, how horrible I feel everyday I wish they can see I truly have no bad intentions but if I deserve punishment for never getting better I deserve it, to live the life I feel as if the universe or god is punishing me, I won’t question it because that’s a higher power only they know. I don’t deserve food or birthday cake or my family, and I wish I never made that mistake, even if people tell me it’s not anything bad I was a teen or that I feel guilt that it’s a good sign I don’t believe it, I don’t deserve anything and I wish my family so much love they live with a monster, me and I leave my friends and I am alone now because I am a monster. Even if I didn’t affect the person, I still feel guilt. What if I did? What if they don’t see it yet. I don’t belong on this place, you all deserve love and forgiveness and grace I am sorry. I am so scared of people.

hi so i just saw this tik tok of a guy who said that he still goes to church and still worships God even though he’s gay because God loves him no matter what and my first thought was to repost bc i am also catholic and believe that anyone can be and i think it’s beautiful that he still has a relationship with God. but then all of a sudden i was like wait i can’t repost this because im not gay and it triggered my ocd into convincing myself that i can entirely relate to the tik tok because i am gay and i don’t love my bf and now im distressed. and im also having false memories of myself googling if you can be gay and catholic which would’ve meant that im questioning my sexuality but i even did that. and now i feel like what if this means i don’t love my bf. i’m so scared and i don’t know what’s real or not

I dont have ocd. I really dont. It feels like im actually a lesbian. I dont feel anything for guys. I dont know how to describe my feelings. It feels like i cant escape my body or my mind. I feel stuck. It feels real. It must be real. But i cant imagine that its real. But it feels so real like im actually a lesbian. I dont want to be. Today i had urges to come out. I feel depressed. I dont wanna live. I cant escape. I just have to accept that im a lesbian.

Hi I’m getting my period in a few days and I always notice my OCD spikes but I’ve just been feeling very very down, thoughts feel very sticky and real. Not much is making it better and I just feel super out of it. I also had a few dreams the past few weeks that relate to one of my ocd themes which is psychosis and I keep thinking I’m going to develop it. And I’ve also just been so on edge and scared even of like myself and people and reeling down and sad. Any advice? I don’t even like talking abt it rlly bc it creeps me out I feel like nothing is helping.

Today is a bad ocd day. I have intrusive thoughts about possibly being autistic- and it all started when my mom said “when you were younger i thought you were on the spectrum” and like a month after that i asked her about it again and she said she was joking and that I was just sensitive to clothing- like as a kid I wouldn’t wear certain socks bc they were itchy or whatever and she said its really “not that serious” and “you are not autistic.” And i felt okay for a while- pretty reassured. But its been really bad lately 😭 i was seeing autism symptoms and i was convincing myself I relate to them or that I “acted” very autistic as a child. And i keep checking for childhood memories and picking out the “most autistic memories” 😭😭😭 like how I didnt like certain clothes or was sensitive or how I was very blunt sometimes and I got so anxious I just had to stop googling and cry for a bit bc I felt so scared. I don’t even know why the thought of being autistic scares me- well i guess km not even scared its just the uncertainty of not having the answer to that question is causing my fear. Before my mom triggered these thoughts- it NEVER even crossed my mind. And i really just want reassurance right now and I feel like asking all my friends and family members if they think I act autistic but I wont do that this time bc I just go in loops 😭😭😭 I have asked my friends before and they say not at all but then im scared I am secretly autistic and just really good at “masking”. Plus everytime I meet someone my first thought is “do I seem autistic to them?? Should I ask them?? No no thats odd to ask- that will make me seem weird- and I will have a bad first impression… but what if they think im actually autistic? Do i come off as autistic??” Then i analyse every interaction again to see “how autistic I seem” and i am just soooo tired 😭 sorry this was a lot of writing- but truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart if you read it all 💕💕💕

I really hope I don’t offend anyone with autism but a while ago my friends mom (who is a therapist) told me I might have autism and that freaked me out, I don’t think I do, and I thought, well I have never been diagnosed by a doctor or had anything come Up during school for it. And now one of my friends sent me a post and said it is something I do and I checked the comments and MOST ALL of them say if you do this you have autism… and I sent it to another friend and asked if I do it too and she said yes. I just am so confused because how would I have gone all my life and not noticed ?

I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I keep getting weird coincidences and I will sit through the uncertainty of them but it will just be one after another. Like I work at a summer camp and we were on the bus and I was listening to a song and thought like what if this song accidentally played out loud and people heard it and literally right after my coworker started singing it. It’s not a super popular song either. I have a theme like what if people are reading my mind or messing with me or whatever and it just felt like blatant. I also had a dream about a knife in csgo and the next day both of my friends get csgo knives, which is rare asf. Like it feels like I can’t trust people anymore. Idk what to do. Stuff also keeps happening right at 12:12. Like my friend texted me at 12:12 and literally the next day I text him on accident at 12:12. Then 3 days in a row my brother comes and talks to me out of nowhere at 12:12. Then at 12:12 I see “real life Truman show” on YouTube . Like wtf. I also have a fear of schizophrenia so it’s not a great mix. Thought I was making progress but this one is just absurd. wtf .

I was so confident that I was straight 3 weeks ago and now all of a sudden it feels like I have become a lesbian! That doesn’t make any sense 😭

I feel like for a while I haven’t really felt truly happy or very excited for anything. Every day feels like an uphill climb dealing with this OCD problem of mine and trying as hard as I can to solve it, seek advice, etc… It often feels hopeless for me and that I should just be discarded, like I’m too far gone and I can’t get rid of it. Anyway, the pint is I haven’t really felt happy enough to actually just be smiling in a long time. I can’t rember the last time I actually smiled because I didn’t think about it and just naturally smiled because I was happy. Feels like I’m at war with my head everyday. I feel numb. I feel like I can’t feel emotions strongly like I used to. I can’t feel strongly about something where I’m motivated to ACT on something, to DO something, to try something new or break a routine or even feel like I am taking a risk or having fun. It’s like I have forgotten what FUN is like. Actual fun, not trying to have fun, but having fun. As a side note, maybe it’s too far fetched or not true but the medication I am on for my OCD (Sertraline, 25 mg dosage) , I am suspicious is making me numb like this. Sometimes I feel one if maybe this, small yet somewhat effective dosage of this medication is making me like this. I remember when I went off of it for a brief period last summer I could feel a lot more than I am feeling right now. But unfortunately my OCD was sooo bad as a result. So bad I couldn’t face it and I would be pretty much having a straight panic attack all day. So I’m not sure if coming off of that is the right move. After all I went back on it because wow I was having trouble dealing with myself. But like I said, that is just an afterthought. This is often how I trudge through the day…

OCD makes me feel like i am the scum of the earth and i believe it is true. i’ve done horrible things in the past when i was younger that i am not proud of. i know people say that we have to forgive ourselves for our past mistakes/know that our mistakes don’t define us or what not, but i feel like what i’ve done is irredeemable. although i was young back then, it dosent make it an excuse bc i am old enough to know it was wrong. why would i do that?? i’ve tried to forgive myself, but i keep going back in a loop bc of my OCD. what if i am using my OCD as an excuse? i don’t know what to do, please help.

anyone else feel like theyve made too many mistakes in their short time being alive, to the point you just feel like *you* are the mistake? i sit and obsess all the time about the mistakes ive made growing up (im only 20, suffered with ocd since i was 15). i just feel like i used to always make these mistakes and i know most of them came from ignorance as a child but it makes me question everything about myself. it often makes me feel suicidal, that the world is better off without me. i come on here to try and make people feel better and offer support and advice when in reality, i have no grasp on my own ocd. i sit and obsess 24/7, i struggle with mindfulness, and my head is the worst place to live. its just the idea that my mistakes have impacted people, any lies i came up with, how thats impacted people (its probably not even a lot but the possibility is terrifying). ever since i was diagnosed, i have a thing for responsibility, i take on so much of it, and punish myself excessively. im very tired of fighting with myself. im tired of obsessing and doing compulsions to stop the anxiety. i just want it to stop.

I put so much pressure on myself to be positive and happy. I hold myself to higher standards then I do others because I wanna be perfect, then break down at my every mistake. I'm horrible at setting boundaries but in a way I've dug myself a grave. At this point it feels like people assume I'm happy all the time and don't bother to ask if I'm okay. Or if I seem quiet they leave me be. At first I liked this now I do not. Any time I try to set a boundary with ANYONE, I'll be like hey when ya talk about that it makes me anxious or could you no do this it hurts my feelings or just plain please stop, people say okay and their sorry but it never seems to stick. The most I've done is say it again but it's frustrating. Feels like people just walk all over me and or barely listen Slash hear a word I say. I'm tired of some things I have made very clear not to do when I'm really anxious. They try to help and they will do certain things that make it worse, and I express this then they do it again. I find people belittle what I got through saying the thoughts I experience are clearly OCD, and easy to differentiate from typical worries or average thoughts. But they don't realize how stuck I feel bo matter how much I tell them. My brain doesn't have an off switch, I can't turn it off just like that and feel at easy. And even if the thought seems stupid and illogical, to them or even me it still hurts and bothers me deeply. There have been times where I do compulsions and people get mad and say it's excuses and I gotta stop and I try to explain and or try not to do it and end up feeling guilty. I want people to listen and actually care. I don't like the feeling I get when I'm worried. A weird tingle in my chest that grows and stretches throughout my body depending on how bad of a worry. Those "silly, stupid, ridiculous, crazy, nonsense" worries I get, wheather or not I know those claims are true, cut deep and it feels like I can't escape. My chest feeling gets stronger, I get alot of energy in my arms and legs and or they feel shakey, it feels like I can't breathe, I wanna burst out crying but depending on where I am that may not be an option, I'm tired of staying quiet due to the fear of upsetting someone without intention, and I hate hyperventilating or tossing and turning when trying to sleep and these thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks over and over. OCD is not my fault I know that. But part of me wonders why me of all people have to have it, although I don't wish it on anyone. If it meant nobody else would ever have to experience my OCD or OCD in general I would take all the power of everyone's OCD and take it myself. I like to think OCD gave me empathy, the one perk it came with in my eyes. One day I hope to be a therapist who can help people. And the little kids with OCD who wanna understand and get help, like I once was. I wanna be taken seriously, I don't wanna be a doormat, I don't wanna be a puppet on my OCD's strings, I want people to understand more then they do or atleast listen to me more then they do. I wanna be calm for more then minutes, and without intense stress when I realize how long I've been relaxed and how odd that is. I feel bad for my younger self. Ik she wanted to grow up and be okay. But I'm not. I have made progress. When I was little I constantly thought I was dying. And then I said in middle school that I'd be dead by highschool. But I'm about to start grade 12

I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about pedophilia, I was highly addicted to porn for 2 years or more, I even masturbated a couple times to someone younger but when I did that my ocd didn’t trigger or nothing till months after thinking what if I am a pedophile, after that is when I decided to quit porn indefinitely I realized I was going too far,I always thought I was a decent person, I have never hurt anyone, I always had this idea that I could become someone people can look up to or just become someone everyone respected, I’ve always loved sports, my family and video games, but lately I haven’t been able to enjoy any of that it’s like my ocd is making me think I’ve always been like this and all my actual beliefs weren’t real that I’ve always been this horrible person, at first I would get panic attacks and disgust but now I feel kinda numb and I don’t want to feel like that cause it’s making me think that maybe I am one and my mind is getting used to it, I even feel uncomfortable talking about kids or just being around them and I have never been like that . I am a heavy nicotine and weed smoker (I’ve tried to stop since it seems to make them worse). Now it feels like I am a completely different person, I also have a girlfriend who before this i would love with everything in me, and would be afraid to lose her every time we would argue, I would even think about a child with her in the future, but now I don’t even feel love or any attraction or any of the previous feelings I would feel towards my future and I just feel it makes it even worse cause if I’m not attracted to her and all my previous beliefs feel like lies then what can I believe in? Any advice or tips? I’ll be starting therapy this week so I pray there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

I’ll have a huge wave of thoughts rushing to me all at the same time, leaving me panicked and drained, and I can’t even tell if I like these thoughts or not which scares me even more. Then i’ll come to the conclusion that maybe I don’t have OCD and everything is real, but I don’t want it to be real. I don’t want to be a monster like that. I don’t want to cheat on my partner, be a zphile, a pdphile, a psychopath, all those crazy immoral things. I just want to be a girl living a normal happy life but I feel like i’m being punished by this OCD monster because of past events I regret. Man i’m just so tired, I don’t even know whats real or not anymore, I just want to be set free from this guilt and torment. I feel like a fault in the system, a cog that doesn’t function properly and deserves to be removed from the gift of life incase I hurt any more people around me. Im sorry if this has gotten really depressing, I just needed to rant. I saw a post online differentiating GAD and OCD, and it said that people with OCD preform constant compulsions whereas people with GAD do not, but because i’m actively trying not to engage in compulsions (like searching things up) it made me feel like I don’t actually have OCD which was a big trigger for me and I went into a spiral of feeling like an imposter. Sorry if this is a bit much to read.

i'm going to lose my life one day to this illness i never asked for. it could've been beautiful.

Hey everyone, I hope you are all doing well . I am not sadly. Idk what to do at this point in my life and it’s really scary. My family seems to not get it really but idk how to explain what I’m going through . So basically I had an uncle and I have many cousins with schizophrenia. All of them don’t take meds and have went off the grid with my family or have passed . I am so unbelievably scared of getting it that I can’t live my life without being scared everyday. I have had so many thoughts and dreams and a lot of come true(no joke) and I’m like oh shit that means I’m delusional and I’m having delusional thoughts and now it’s taking over my dreams and it just doesn’t make sense to me. I am very scattered brain 24:7 I feel I can’t talk or speak right, I keep going through not feeling real or right and I’ll be talking to my family and my brain will be like “ what if this is a hallucination and you’re talking to yourself”. I’m EXHAUSTED to the max and most I’ve ever been. Idk what’s going on with me. I’ve also always been a superstitious person because weird shit was always happening or strangely a “coincidence” that even my family would be like wtf is going on with that. And I never understood it as a child, but I’m so so so sooo scared bc of that and what I deal with now that I’m developing it. And I need help.

I am uncertain where to start, as I’ve only self-diagnosed myself with having OCD tendencies. I can look back into my childhood, adolescence, young adulthood and now, and I see pockets of when OCD was alive and well. I have been learning about somatic healing the last few years because I’ve been wanting to connect with my body to understand. I want to feel more grounded. During this process of wellness, I’ve learned that I have OCD and ADHD qualities that I’ve lived with my entire life. Could that be true? Was I good at hiding it all, or making it appear as part of my personality? Was I masking? I think that’s a term that’s used these days. Here’s a story that involves what may be OCD. My sister and I, aged 14 and 16 at the time, just took our first flight together to visit our aunt and uncle in Seattle. While there, intrusive thoughts kept popping into my head that something was going to happen to my dad. Where were these thoughts randomly come from? Was I thinking them, did they magically appear, was it my intuition? It was an unsettling feeling and I had frequent thoughts that my dad was going to die. At that time, my life felt so beautiful. It felt so full of love and happiness. I loved my family. I had my very first boyfriend. It was summertime and as I was taking a walk down the ocean shore, I wondered if life is supposed to feel that happy. I just genuinely felt full of light and love and all the good stuff. And thoughts kept coming about what I could possibly learn in this lifetime if I haven’t experienced pain. Why was I having such an existential crisis at age 14, on a summer vacation with my sister? It was just two days later when we tried calling our dad and he wasn’t answering. I had a gut feeling that something happened. It wasn’t until my dad’s sister answered my home phone that I knew. My sister and I held hands and collapsed to the floor in pure shock. My dad died of a heart attack. It was such a blur of a time, as my developing brain couldn’t process it at all. Anyway, fast forward to me being 36 years old, I still fear that my thoughts could have caused his death. It plays in my head when I get to thinking about that summer vacation. So now, as a mother of three beautiful children, I get intrusive thoughts and worries about anything happening to them. My heart starts to race, my eyes fill up with tears and I just can’t imagine it. Is it OCD? Is the fear causing these OCD thoughts? I have nightmares sometimes of these terrible things happening to my loved ones. I guess what I’m asking is, could this be OCD. What type of OCD? I also have this repetitive string of things I say in my head when I get intrusive worries. It’s along the lines of “God please protect my loved ones. Keep them safe. Surround them with love, protection, health.” And the ADHD symptoms are a whole other part of my life. I have felt this thing inside of me forever thinking something is wrong with me, not knowing what. But seeing peers living their lives so freely and doing things that feel harder for me have left me feeling crippled. And nobody would know this about me. If you saw me from the outside you’d think I have it all together- a husband, three kids, etc. But truly I have felt so alone and unable to fully live at my core. And I just need to know why or what or how. I just want answers so I can truly heal.

people here say that their ocd isn’t completely gone but it’s not ruling them and it’s in the back of their mind still but not ruling them. but i don’t want it on the back of my mind. i want clarity about what i believe and who i am again. i don’t want a shred of doubt. i want to be freed. i feel like this is impossible.. like the ocd doubts are apart of me now.. i don’t understand why this happened to me.

I’m literally shaking panicking that I’m paychosis, sometimes I feel so weird very weird feeling and ugh I know it’s ocd but I’m scared of not remembering who my husband is or like acting crazy or having to go to a mental hospital like I don’t want that and like psychosis and ocd have very similar symptoms. I was diagnosed with OCD but I’m scared I have that and I don’t want to I’m like ugh sometimes I feel so out of myself I wake up feeling weird I feel very weird symptoms in my body I wanna be fucking normal I thought I was okay but ugh I feel so horrible right now and it also doesn’t help that I’m on my period but I just saw the word psychosis and decided to search it up and now I’m scared I have it.