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Does anyone else fear they may die in there sleep?

Hi guys! I’m Kells I’m 25 and I was diagnosed ocd when I was around 16. Ever since I can remember I’ve been terrified of losing loved ones. It was about my parents passing away when I was young and now I’m worried constantly that my fiancé will pass when I’m not with him. It’s magical thinking like I have control. But I know I don’t and that’s terrifying. I know logically it’s not likely, but ocd works with fear. And I’m terrified of losing him. I even had a dream when we first started dating saying he would die young and I’m petrified that was a “sign”. The other aspect of my ocd has been religious and afterlife fears. I’m scared of dying and what it’ll feel like. I’m scared that if I don’t believe in a religion like Christianity and it becomes true I will burn in hell. I’m just scared.

Please only read this if you are 18+ (contains mention of s**cide) I have had severe body dysmorphia since beginning college. I’ve been skinny my whole life and have an entirely flat chest. I was doing really good for a while, but I made the mistake of looking at social media today… There is an influencer who is built exactly like me and I always go to her page to find positivity…I looked at some of her recent posts and the things men and women were saying about her were horrific. Among some of the many hate comments were things like “nightmare body”, “genetically inferior to other women”, and just brutal things each of which would take a person years to recover from hearing. There were countless gifs of dancing skeletons, and a lot of surprisingly attractive people brutally bashing her. I haven’t felt suicidal in years and all at once I see very little point in going on. The world has finally defeated me and I just can’t see what the point is in seeking happiness if I could only ever possibly be lying to myself when i feel good about myself.

do you guys have sometimes moral/ethical rumination about why something that is obviously bad is bad? I'm afraid of it because sometimes I feel like I don't have an immediate or sufficient answer, and that I believe something is wrong just because of collective morals, and not because i genuinely believe it is bad and that makes me sick. I'm afraid of faking it. I had a very triggering disturbing question about why something is bad and i didn't have a sufficient answer for me to make me believe that it was a genuine belief of mine. It bothers me that I'm not so firm about a certain belief, and yet it's the very thing that made me want to end my life a while ago. I'm afraid that im faking my repulsion to evil and horrible things and I just think that way for convenience. I can't tolerate it, not because of what others would think but because i can't tolerate living myself like a sick monster that has sick thoughts.

I’m newly diagnosed with ocd. My theme has morphed since my symptoms started. I keep having reoccurring thoughts and images of documentaries and shows about serial killers/mass murders that I’ve watched in the past before all this and it never bothered me. When I get the thoughts I feel like it means that I’m gonna be just like them and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Yesterday it hit and all I did was sit on my living room couch, look at the wall, and do this tic thing I’ve done. I shake my head and either say no out loud or in my head. When I wake up I start to do this and continue to do it throughout the day with or without the thoughts. To me I feel like if I don’t do it then it means that I don’t have OCD. I feel like I’m faking all of it and it’s just an excuse to cover the fact that I’m truly like these people. I constantly see mental images of the faces of these killers and all I feel is pure dread. I look back to every mistake I made as a kid and think it proves that I’m a psychopath and that I’m absolutely ruined as a person. I keep thinking that I fake being a good person even though it’s genuinely who I strive to be no matter how I feel. I keep doubting every interaction or nice deed I’ve done for people and keep thinking it was all fake and it’s not me. I love seeing people happy and well and I’m so confused. I’m worried I’m being lured back to the phase I was in 3 weeks ago. I was in so much fear over this stuff I wasn’t eating, sleeping, socializing. The only thing I did was wake up, immediately get hit with the thoughts, Google, and repeat. My only break was when I was asleep. I love to sleep now for a reason. My dreams are normal and the thoughts/images aren’t there. Sometimes my dreams felt so real then I woke up and was hit with the reality (thoughts). At a point I agreed with myself that if any of these thoughts about harm/being a serial killer was true then I’d just end my life before I ever did anything to anyone. I don’t wanna die but if I’m really this horrible of person then I’ve got no good reason being here. I’ve been doing better than that for the past week or so but it still is there in my mind. When I start to feel optimistic or looking forward to something then it comes in. I love to cook and do crafts and when I do that stuff it tends to come in and I end up not finishing what I start. At times it comes down to getting dressed. When I find things I’d like to wear I sometimes get a thought or “voice” that goes something like “this is the outfit you’ll wear to commit a murder”. I’m so sick and tired of this stuff. When I go out it’s like “have your fun now but when you get back you’re gonna kill ur family and then go to jail for the rest of your life so enjoy your last day of freedom”. I feel like a narcissist or something writing this because I feel like I don’t have ocd because I’ve been doing better and don’t have the anxiety I used to over the thoughts. I’ve been diagnosed by 3 professionals including a psychologist and still can’t believe it because there’s times where I’m still productive and stuff. It’s still there but as of the past week it’s not as bad as it was three weeks ago. I just wish I could wake up and it just been over. I miss who I was 2 months ago before all of this started. It happened overnight on a vacation I was on and ever since I feel like a different person. I at times look to pictures of myself and life before all of it started. I miss it. Idk if my intrusive thoughts now about documentaries and shows about serial killers are even ocd. I’m freaked out. It keeps making me think I’m gonna do the horrible things they do even though I’d rather die before I hurt anyone. I HATE THIS!!!

I am in extreme depression now. I am not getting a job. I graduated almost 9 years ago and still jobless. I really want to earn money and live an independent life. I am 30 years old and still not married. These things are causing me anxiety. It doesn't mean i haven't tried. I really tried my best to get a job and get married but all in vain. I also prayed alot. I am not impatient. I bore patience for a long time but now its getting harder for me. I feel so miserable. Please pray for me. I feel like giving up. 😭😭😭😭

I need help. I’m 16, and I’m kinda unsure with things like sex just because I don’t feel ready and idk I just don’t know. My hocd, for the past few days, has been, as normal, convincing me that I’m gay. Now, however, I’m completely confident in the fact that I like boys, but now I’m unconfident around my thoughts about sex. I’ll be honest, I don’t think of sex straight away when I like a boy, I think about being with him and different scenarios, and sex then comes later. But nowadays, I don’t know if I’ve just conditioned myself to think I want sex to prove that I’m straight, or because maybe I think if I’m not always on about sex, I must be gay, or not. I understand I’m at an age where sex is only just becoming a question and a thing I think about, and perhaps I developed hocd at the worst time where I can’t explore anything without thoughts dictating my entire mind, emotions, attractions etc. Honestly I do think I’m unsure about sex because just haven’t got a clue, but calling myself asexual gives me that massive anxiety feeling like when I’m convinced that I’m lesbian. Idk anymore if this is societal or what, since days I’m not in the mood to think about sex, like today, so that 99% convinces me. Idk. I just need someone’s help. ❤️

Lowkey I think I’m an awful person/have felt something and gone down a weird path of thinking/way of processing information that I can never recover from morally, but I’m not panicking about it. I’ve just accepted it ig? I can’t die because that’ll hurt those I love, so I’ll just like devote my life to others in penance maybe? Just try and help others as much as I can and live for others. I know it’s like depressing to say but I’ll live for others cuz I don’t really believe I deserve to live for myself.

So I’m going to try and make this short. Is anyone experiencing there brain thoughts or even themselves thoughts like this “I have been through this 3 times before in my life, I know exactly how to fix it. However, I think my brain knows I’m trying to trick it with ERP or ACT therapy.” Idk, like I know exactly how to fix this episode of OCD as I have had three previous relapses in my life. However, I’m scared and terrified that my brain is just smarter than me. Like idk if this makes any sense. I’m terrified that I will never get out of this. Then when I think like this, like I start to remember everything that has happened since my first ever episode, like have always experienced these symptoms and I just ignored them? Have I always just been like this? Was I happy when I wasn’t or was experiencing this? It so hard to explain. Like I’m not scared, but I am, I’m more frustrated and annoyed, but also sad. Idk I feel like I’m losing it. I talk to myself out loud to gain some confidence, but then I question like don’t crazy people talk to themselves, but I can’t be crazy because I’m aware that I’m talking to myself. Idk I feel alone, like I’m going to be like this forever. Like I will never outsmart my brain. It’s just weird. Also not to mention like literally everything triggers me. Everything. I suffer with DP/DR, so every conversation or action I do my brain just questions everything! Literally everything. Idk what to do. Can anyone relate to this?

Recently been obsessed with the concept of free will. Are we really in control or was everything predetermined? if everything was predetermined then why am I me, why couldn’t I had been someone else who didn’t have all the problems I have.

My OCD is definitely flaring up. My husband of 9 years decided 3 years ago. After a bad OCD spiral that he didn’t want kids anymore (during this time we were mid IVF treatment and it covid season… lots of factors) he stated one of the reasons was my OCD. For the last 3 years, I went through therapy and have been quite successful in managing my OCD. However he hasn’t changed his mind… which I understand logically as it being his choice and respect it. Back then he said a divorce would be best cause I was making him feel like a monster since he wanted something different. But I decided that I’d try to change my mind.. I was 35 at the time and I knew my chances of conceiving were nonexistent. I still want children I always have. However in February when I brought up want to try IVF again, I asked if I’d have to do it alone and he said yes… we talked about divorce. He had a spring training trip planned and last minute he told me he didn’t want me to go. So I didn’t … during that time I suggested counseling and he never said anything in response to it. When he came back we had a moment and we were intimate… which I think blurred the lines and nothing has been brought up since. I feel my brain is spiraling and wondering what is real? I feel like he is avoids talking and I am always the one to have to push an issue… I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I should pack up and leave… and then other times I wonder if I have done enough or if this is all the cause of my OCD.

the fact that we are all real scares the shit out of me, idk if this is existential ocd anymore

Hey guys I have officially been in NOCD for a month and the ERP is going well. However, I have been feeling a lot of hopelessness when it comes to my existence. I have also been questioning my purpose in life. I have also been scared of dying because it’s so inevitable and I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I have also been feeling a lot of guilt because I am a content creator and putting on a fake smile and pretending to be happy is the hardest. Has anyone ever felt that way? Does anyone have any advice?

I’m really struggling right now. I felt like I was doing really good today, and have been since I started Seroquel. All of a sudden, I start having an intense feeling of existentialism….it’s like I suddenly realized I was alive. And it feels a step beyond derealization/depersonalization….i understand what that it. But this felt like spouts, and if I focused on it - I was such an intense feeling of being “alive” and then it goes away….i can’t keep a hold of it enough to exam in it. It’s so scary, I haven’t had this feeling in so long….and it scares the crap out of time. The best I can explain it is that I suddenly realize I’m living but It’s like I’m in my own body and no one else is real - I DONT KNOW!!!! It’s truly impossible to explain and I’m freaking out! I just hope someone can somewhat relate or explain it better.

hey:) My name is mai, i‘m 18 years old. I think I‘ve been struggling with OCD almost all my life - eventhough i‘ve only realized it lately, thanks to a friend that made me aware of the fact that the horrifying thoughts and impulses i sometimes experience, are not „just a little stress and insecurity“. When i was a little kid i had very long hair. People always commented on it, sometimes they said things that triggered an unproportional huge amount of anxiety in me. I Never wanted to cut my hair. Someday my sister and a friend told me that if i wasn‘t going to cut it soon, they’d come at night and do it for me when i sleep. I was always a sensible and fragile person that thinks too much and doesn‘t know where to put these thoughts. At that time i didn‘t realize how much these words and fears affected me, but unconsciously i started controlling if my hair was still there every 40-60 seconds. I could not sleep if my hair was not hanging over my right shoulder where i could see and feel it. I always wore it on the right, and checked it - constantly, until one day a doctor told me that my neck was suffering due to the weight and the tense position that my head was always in. Then i decided to end this fear and cut it, so that the pain and fears would stop, reminding myself that i could always regrow it. The fear disappeared, and for some years, in which i struggled with other disorders, the OCD symptoms seemed to be somewhere in the back of my mind. I just finished school, and now i‘m preparing for the TMS (a test in Germany that increases your chances of getting into med school). Since the structure and safety of going to school regularly is missing, and since i don‘t know if I’ll be accepted for one of the subjects i‘d like to study, i feel very much out of control. I feel helpless, at the mercy of strangers and i‘m so afraid of failing the expectations i have for myself. Since this phase of „being out of control and safety“ has started, i suddenly experienced a lot of different anxieties, some of them causing panic attacks on a regular basis. I obsess about my health, i find new symptoms and proofs I could be dead or very Sick in the next few days - every week. I‘ve been to my doctor so often i think he‘s really annoyed because of my ideas. Sometimes i also have psychological fears, like what if i‘m losing my mind.? What if i‘m having a psychosis? What if nothing is even real and everything is just an illusion? Thinking about life and existence frightens me a lot. I can‘t drink alcohol of caffeine anymore because i‘m convinced it will change my perception of reality in a way i couldn‘t handle. Some days i wake up and think that the colour of the socks i choose to wear will determine what kind of day This will become. I often worry that i bother people too much, that i‘m annoying and Just hopeless and that eventually people will realize how exhausting i am, and leave. It’s especially bad in romantic relationships, and it makes everything hard to enjoy. I have now chosen to work on myself, on my real fears - that lay beneath the things i think to fear. I want to educate myself on this disease and get my life back. I‘ll make a list of things that i used to love, and am now too afraid to do. I want my life back from my anxiety and OCD.

For the past week I’ve been throwing up or at least having the feelings of throwing up because of just anxiety and stress. I can’t even eat anything because I feel sick all the time! I’m not even hungry. I really don’t know what to do because I thought I was getting better but every time I eat I just feel sick and when that goes away something happens that makes me anxious or even stressed and I just feel it coming. I’ve never done or had this before but it’s really unpleasant. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts and images that I can’t seem to calm myself down so my body is rejecting food, even when I have no food in my body it’s rejecting whatever it can. The other day I ate one packet of nuts, that was it all day. Because I just feel so sick with all these thoughts

Before I was diagnosed with OCD I was certain I was loosing my mind. I convinced myself that I was schizoprenic or going slipping into pyschosis at any moment. It all started one day at work after having a few drinks the night before and chugging one of the most amazing tasting coffees of my life. I had my first panic attack. The best way I can describe it felt like my soul was leaving my body (I became really, really light headed). It was horrifying. This spiraled out of control with more and more panic attacks. I started having intrusive thoughts/what seemed like an intrusive urge to do ridiculous stuff. For example, I remember being in a spiritual development class one day and I had this intrusive urge/thought to smash all of the beautiful crystals. Something i'd never do obviously but the thought horrified me. Since, my OCD theme has jumped around a bit to so many ridiculous things. I had harm OCD for a while where I would see images in my head of stabbing someone or pouring boiling water on them. As ridiculous and silly as it sounds to an outsider, I can not even began to describe the grief and horror this created in my soul. I then had repetitive intrusive thoughts "schizophrenic" and "demon" over and over again gosh probably thousands of times a day. Again, certain I was crazy. I tried CBT which actually made it worse. I was terrified to speak to anyone about what was TRULY going on with me because I was certain i'd end up bakeracted and as a single parent I knew that couldn't happen. Plus I knew at heart I was not schizophrenic it just spiraled into this massive fear. It plagued my life every day for years until I FINALLY talked to another person that has OCD & send me an article about OCD where I began my research into leading to an eventual diagnosis. My compulsions were more mental acts like searching mental illness on Google for hours, avoiding triggers, and saying internal prayers or asking the universe to give me signs i'm not losing it in addition to nervous movements like fixing my hair or putting my hands near my face. I am still healing from OCD and the terror that its' caused in my past but i've learned to love myself and know that I am worth it (having mental health issues has always made me feel like it's my biggest flaw) and it's so beyond my control & despite my issues, i'm still pretty awesome! WE ARE ALL A LITTLE INSANE ANYHOW ARENT WE? Lol. Seriously, it's been an absolute game changer. I still have intrusive thoughts from time to time that create some anxiety but it's decreased so drastically. Most of the time I don't pay them any mind or it's tolerable. I am so beyond grateful for NOCD and understanding everything I can about OCD. My life will never be the same since that day but its still pretty damn good! I just want to add a couple other symptoms I experienced was dreaded fear I was going to start hallucinating at any moment. I'd question if I was really seeing/hearing things or if I was hallucinating, and constantly checking my mental state. Too happy? OMG I'm manic and that's going to cause pyshcosis. Too sad? Vice versa.. I hope this helps! Do the triggers, accept the uncertainly, accept your fear and get your life back.

Hello all, does anyone else understand this. I can be reading something on social media or news source and hear about a woman who killed herself and it becomes a huge trigger for me. I get so upset I try to know more info about the how and why of the story thinking omg what if I did that or became like that person. It gets my mind going whenever I come across these articles and I have to convince myself I’m ok and this isn’t my life but I get so upset and sends me spiraling.. Can anyone relate to this? How do you cope with it? I know I’m okay and wouldn’t do that but the what if aspect scares me 😢

I’m being haunted by something that happened in my relationship about 2 years ago. It’s worse than any event I’ve read here, so I understand if I cause disgust in this community by contributing some of my obsessing about this event to my OCD. Basically, I went through some struggles with alcohol a little while back, and this started as a result of me struggling to cope with a different horrible event that I caused. I was drinking excessively and often in secret. I’m not sure how much of a factor the alcohol plays in this event, so maybe it’s not even worth mentioning. Around the same time, my girlfriend came to me and told me that she thought that she might be transgender (MTF). When she initially came to me about this, she wasn’t really certain, and although I was a bit shocked I was very supportive of her. She started therapy to work out these feelings, and while I went through my own struggles and worries about this new information, we were actually doing pretty well. Until one night when she had therapy. I had been drinking that day, but I don’t remember the amount or how intoxicated I actually was. I would usually wear headphones when she was in her sessions (they were telehealth), but for some reason this time I made one of the worst mistakes of my entire life. I listened in on parts of her session from the other side of the door. I think I even stopped and came back to hear more. I don’t remember exactly how this came about. I think I passed by and heard her talking about me and my curiosity/lack of morals got the best of me. I heard her talking about me for a bit, but I also heard her say that she was now very sure she was trans. I didn’t know this (nor did I have any right to know this), and in my selfish, intoxicated, and mentally ill state, I went to the couch and had a bit of a breakdown. I don’t remember how long I eavesdropped on her. It could have been anywhere from 4-15 minutes. Any amount of time is too much. I am horrified by what I did to this day, and every time I think about it it sends me into a total spiral. When she was done with her session, I asked her leading questions about how sure she was that she was trans (so not only did I betray her trust, but I had the gall to question her about a part of what I had heard). She told me that she was absolutely sure. I went into a state of bargaining and disbelief, trying to be accepting and kind while also panicking about this change and what it meant for our relationship. I kept asking if she was sure, almost hoping that I could get her to think about it more before deciding. Horrible. Then out of guilt and horror over my actions, I quickly confessed to her that I had eavesdropped on a portion of her session. I think I minimized how long I had listened at first, but I corrected myself on that as well (I don’t remember how quickly though). She was understandably upset and disappointed, but not nearly as much as she had the right to be. She should have screamed at me and probably left my ass. But she still remained kind to me and we talked about the importance of me respecting her privacy during her future sessions. She went to take a bath, and I was so overcome with shame and self hatred for what I’d done that I ended up self-harming. I didn’t mean for this to be manipulative, but it was yet another horrible choice made based on my impulsivity. I ended up confessing this to her as well, not for her to take care of me, but because it was a bit more severe than I intended and I felt so guilty for having the audacity to hurt myself after everything I’d done. And that’s about where the event ends. It’s been about 2 years, and I still can’t believe that I have done something so horrifically disrespectful. We’ve talked about it so many times, and somehow she forgives me and it no longer bothers her. I have put myself in her shoes, and I would be so upset if someone did to me what I did to her. I ruminate over the details, google similar events and read peoples feelings about what I’ve done, try to remember exactly how long I eavesdropped for, what I heard, if I downplayed anything else when I confessed, and try to remember how intoxicated I was (which doesn’t matter at all). I always feel the need to confess more and to repeatedly bring this event up and apologize/ask how she feels about it (or if there’s anything I can do to help her heal). I take so many precautions now to make sure that my girlfriend feels 100% safe and secure in therapy. I have never done this again, I’ve discussed my actions in my own therapy, and I always leave the house for the entire duration of her sessions (even though she says she trusts me to wear headphones). I initiate conversations about what I did, how it made her feel, and if there is anything else I can do to show how sorry I am and guarantee her emotional safety. I consider what I did emotional abuse even though she doesn’t. She thinks that the event was bad, but my OCD is exaggerating my guilt and shame. I disagree. What I did was truly monstrous and how I feel as a result is the only way any sane person would feel after doing something like that. What I’m struggling with is accepting her forgiveness, kindness, and her desire for me to try and move on. I’ve read that what I did is a dealbreaker, and I can’t disagree. How are you supposed to accept such incredible kindness and acceptance from someone you have betrayed so severely? How am I supposed to feel like it’s ok for me to accept her love and continue our relationship despite what I’ve done?Especially when you have a pattern of horrible, disrespectful behavior? For some reason she still loves and wants me, and I don’t want to take away any more of her agency to make her own decisions about her life. I love her more than anything. She feels unheard when I talk about how I’m worried she shouldn’t forgive me, that I’m an abuser and she deserves someone who would never think of doing such a thing to her. I feel like it doesn’t matter how much therapy I get or how much work I do to change. My life feels like one long series of irredeemable actions. I’m sorry for the long post. I needed to get this off my chest. I understand that this is unacceptable and probably not even OCD related. I understand that most people would hate me for this (trust me, I hate myself a lot) and that I don’t deserve to still have such a loving relationship with this person. I just need help figuring out how to live with myself. Thank you for reading, and I’m so sorry to anyone who’s suffered because of pieces of shit like me.

I changed my baby’s name amidst a postpartum panic attack and ocd episode. We immediately changed it back (she’s a month old now), but now her birth certificate will say it was amended. I am so happy we changed it back bc we love her name. I didn’t want her to have a name we didn’t love and picked in a low moment for me. But now, I am really worried about the repercussions this will have on her as she goes to get a job, married, apply for a license, etc. So even though I feel we made the right choice to give her the original name she was born with, I’m down a rabbit hole of the ramifications of that. How do we avoid going down this rabbit hole? I don’t want to live like this forever and think about it all the time as she grows up; fearing for the worst.