Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Its my birthday but im not celebrating😔 why celebrate when things just keep getting worse for me im not happy at all😐

Is this an OCD thing: just the general sense of worry or dread something bad may happen in the future? For example: planning a trip, and the thought "you could die by then!" Or something similar but related to loved ones?

Anyone else get stuck with shitty religion teachers or pastors that tried to convert people with fear in the past? I got stuck with that as a kid and still can't shake the existential dread and angst, and its been over seven years. I get into a panic and all the hard work that I have dont to improve myself and my knowledge of spirituality and religion goes right out the windo and I am stuck in a bout of dread, rumination, and physical discomfort.

idk if this is even ocd related, or if anyone relates, but im so sad about growing up. im gonna be twenty in 2 years. its not even a regular sad. i get like nauseous and a pain in my chest like when ur HEARTBROKEN. i cant think about my upbringing and especially my teenage years, and what i wasted, or time and memories i will not get back. I always get sad how I’ll never be 14,15,,16, again(this also makes my pocd act up but anyways lol). realizing I’ll never be able to experience an era of my life ever again really is gut wrenching to me. I can’t think about it too long or I’ll cry and feel really depressed. how do I feel better about this?? help??!

Sometimes it feels like I am not inside my body. Almost like I have no control. When I feel this way, it makes the thoughts/urges so much scarier. Any tips or advice? I feel very alone with this one.

i know compulsions are not helpful on the long run. but they can help to give certainty and a bit of peace for the moment. i usually imagine scenarios and check how i feel about them. has anyone experienced that sometimes this does not make you feel certain and safe, but somehow confirms what ocd is telling you, e.g. after imagining a scenario it feels like you could actually want it? so compulsions sometimes don’t even help on the short term and i feel the need to ruminate more and more to come to the solution i want

(sorry for the long post lol i'm just trying to make as much sense as possible) hi everyone, i'm not diagnosed OCD, but i recently came across some info about the ROCD theme, and a lot of the symptoms really resonated with me. in every relationship i've had so far, as the relationship progresses, i'm faced with unrelenting thoughts of "what if this person isn't actually right for me?", "we don't have xyz in common so we should probably break up", "they'd probably prefer to be with someone different than me", etc. and it makes relationships almost unbearable to stay in. my last partner broke up with me because i couldn't confidently say i was love with them. i never considered OCD, because i didn't have any noticeable compulsions, but then i learned rumination can be a compulsion, and i do that almost constantly. i may also have other compulsions that i just never considered unusual, i'm not sure. after looking into ROCD, i noticed a lot of other behaviors i've exhibited throughout my life could be attributed to OCD, like extreme perfectionism in all areas of my life, excessive googling of symptoms, and occasional phases of intense existential anxiety, among other things. i'm late diagnosed autistic, so i figured that was the cause behind all of this, but now i'm not so sure. also, i have tried CBT several times, but it has never been helpful for me. one therapist encouraged me to break up with my boyfriend when i was experiencing lots of uncertain intrusive thoughts, similar to ROCD, which was upsetting and didn't feel right. i say this because i know ERP, which i haven't tried, tends to be more effective for OCD specific therapy. i tend to fixate on mental disorders, trying to find an answer for what exactly is "wrong" with me, so that might be all that's happening now. but i just wanted to see if the community here thinks i have good reason to go get evaluated. i'm afraid that i will get dismissed by the psychiatrist, and still be lost, not understanding what's going on in my head or how to fix it. i guess i'm just here to see if anyone else thinks my symptoms are obvious enough for a diagnosis. please be nice to me lol i'm shaking writing this bc i know some people can be pretty mean when it comes to "self diagnosing" (which is not at all what i'm trying to do, i just need some guidance) thank you !!!

Ever since I was a teen I wondered what my purpose in life is. I constantly wonder when my next long term relationship would end and mentally prepare myself for it so I don’t feel as lost and to have my own closure. No one’s ever proud of me. I don’t understand complexity. I need constant reassurance. I need to check and double check and triple check everything I touch for 5 seconds, especially if I’m locking it. I need to check and be reassured that the dog is in the house. I need to know everything that’s going on, and if there’s a change in plans then count me out. If I park a car I have to pull on locked door handles and make sure the gear shift is in park. I constantly google to try and make sense of my mind and feel somewhat normal or fit in somewhere, but normal is a dream. When I shower I must wash my body and then my hair and then my body again or else I’m not clean because my hair would be dirty from my body or my body would be dirty from my hair, there’s no medium. I cry because I just want to be normal. I’m tired.. Thanks for reading.

Today is my birthday. A round number. I am alone with my 3 cats. One of them also has birthday today. I am waiting for my husband to come home from quite far away. I have been feeling anxious, worried, sad weeks before this birthday. I have been regretting thing from the past, all the years wasted on OCD and because of OCD. It is horrifying when you realize that half of your life is definitely over and you can barely remember years without OCD. I have been feeling so low that I was thinking of calling my psychiatrist and ask for help. I was scared I might do sth I don't really want to, but was devastated. I managed to get through pre birthday days. Now, I feel so terribly lonely. I have lost my family and relatives as a child because of OCD. Had to run away to save my life. I moved across the country almost two years ago. I have met some people. I got burnt every single times. I was a true friend to 3 women. One of them turned out to be either bipolar or a psycho. The second one with the biggest ego in the world. She would boss around and take advantage even of God him/herself. The third one I lost as a friend yesterday. I have known her for 8 months. I have been by her side through hell and back. She treated me as if I were worth less than all other people in her life. Yesterday I told her how bad she makes me feel, and she got angry and broke up our "friendship". I had often gotten into an argument with my husband over her. He saw through her immediately. He couldn't stand by and look how she manipulated with me. I don't know how to stand up for myself. When I do somehow, I get attacked and thrown away. So today I have been feeling so lonely I can't even describe how lonely. Instead of celebrating, I am alone, nobody except two old acquaintances from far away remembered it's my birthday. I feel worthless. I am driving myself nuts going through all that has ever happened to me over and over again. I still have a few hours till my husband arrives. I was hoping someone here could talk to me,say or post sth funny,... I would appreciate it. It would help me feel less lonely. I hope you are all well and are enjoying such a beautiful sunny day as it is here. I don't know what I would do without the NOCD community. You people here are life saviors. Love to you all guys. All the vest.

I'm struggling so much I'm so desensitized to my girlfriend and porn and I keep seeing handsome men and it's really confusing and making me depressed. I'm not homophobic but this doesn't make me happy I was happy seeing myself as straight and comfortable idc about what society thinks is normal I loved women. I love my girlfriend and think she is so beautiful but it's so hard living with these doubts and seeing men handsome all the time now idk if it's just aesthetic attraction or the fact I'm so hyper fixated idk but I want it gone. The groinal responses, the false attraction, the confusion. I've done so much researching, reading, making up scenarios for years now and still haven't figured it out I know I'm not gay because I'm interested in women always have been. This is making me so uncomfortable, uncertain and confused. I really do support any gay people and support their rights but I've just never had a gay crush and having all this is highly alien and uncomfortable to me. I really need help :( I want to be myself again I can't live a fulfilling life feeling like this it makes me want to lock myself in my house until I figure it out everytime I gain clarity or reassurance I then feel like I can go out and live my life.

I don't like myself anymore. OCD took my personality. I don't know if this is my reality. Why does it feel real?

i went to target with my sister, and i got into a mindset so bad i’m questioning everything right now. she was walking in front of me, and at one point i walking more in her direction, took a step towards her while having attention on her butt. i think i took the step bc i wanted to feel a groinal while thinking of her butt, but i don’t want that to be true. after, i couldn’t look at her, and i had a few moments where i genuinely felt like i wanted to do something sexual. i genuinely felt and thought that way. when we got in the car, i had a really bad moment like that, as i think i leaned in her direction while having a groinal. i started crying, but couldn’t take my focus off the road for the rest of the way home. now i’m in my car and i feel as though this is really the end. combined with every other horrid thing i feel about my family, children and animals, my life only feels like doom. it was literal hell tonight, and i never thought it would get that bad. i don’t know what to do, i feel like i should be waste

Lately my ocd has shown back up big time. I’m coming close to the end of my pregnancy and my hormones typically really affect it. Currently living in the existential/ harm themes and fear of developing psychosis and going to hurt my loved ones! Questioning if things are real too which then makes me even more anxious because I think I’m slipping into psychosis! Anyone else experience this? Just not the headspace I want to be in before birth

So I’m getting treatment in person and today I had a phone call and it was basically asking questions to see if it is ocd.like an assessment. On the phone there was a lot of questions and I had to answer with numbers So for example she would say a statement “I excessively wash” and then I answer on how much I experience it : 1-not at all 2-a little 3-moderately 4-all the time But now I feel like I lied for some questions and just that I’m lying that I have ocd and using it as an excuse and that I’m just not bad enough. Like I’m scared I’m lying saying I experience some of the things. Like my head lately keeps saying that I’m putting it on and that I don’t have it or using it as an excuse I’m scared what if I don’t have it like right now it’s telling me I’m lying. I feel like I’m making it all up Because a lot of questions around ocd I never hear them talk or ask me about a lot of themes like Pocd Rocd So ocd So when I don’t experience things they ask about like symmetry , ordering or harming others it makes me feel like I don’t have ocd

Hi all! I am asking for ‚reassurance‘ and in this case I think it’s ok - and also, If anybody else experienced this. I am in therapy for 1,5 years now with this psychoanalysis therapist. She is great at what she does, but not for my OCD. Last year it got so bad and I went to the hospital for 2 months cause my ocd just flared up so badly. She helped me with my trauma a lot (father sa‘d me for years and only with her I remembered with flashbacks). Though she sees each ocd thought with direct correlation to my trauma. Which def could be the case, but it did not help me one bit. In fact, I am where I was now one year later contemplating if I shall go to the mental hospital again. The fact that there is a ‚reason‘ implied for each obsessive thought that pops my mind (e.g. cheating thought when looking at my fiancé is creating distance because I project my fathers relationship into my fiancé and then i get scared) - could be, but how does it help me? Or the fact that she says my ocd flares up when I’m angry cause I get thrown into that child-like anger from when my father abused me, which but I don’t even remember how I felt (which is great, it’s dissociation‘s purpose).how does it help me though?! I know that it actually worsened my condition cause now I realize I was ruminating all fuxking day long about the associative meaning of that stupid thought. Until yesterday I hurt myself again cause I was very close to giving up (dramatic I know, but it’s how it felt yesterday). Why did it take me so long to let her go? I wrote an email this morning to her saying that I want to change therapy style and that I want to talk about it with her… it got so bad I was questioning my reality yesterday … like 100% didn’t know what was real… Did any of you have a similar experience ? And do any of you have a good tip now to get out of this cycle myself? Thank you!!!

I’m so tired of this. Life shouldn’t be like this and I think I’m just at my breaking point. I just want to live a normal life and be happy but I guess you can’t get everything you hope for. I pray every night for God to just take me. I want to live but not like this.

I’m going through what is hopefully just a really bad hypochondria episode where I’ve convinced myself I have schizophrenia. It’s been about 8 months and I’ve been through a range of crazy symptoms but the most prevalent symptom is getting crazy delusional thoughts like “what if my wife is a demon and trying to get to me” “what if nobody is real and these are all monsters/demons out to get me” etc etc. the thoughts are absolutely terrifying and they make me look at people differently, and i have to question myself whether I truly believe the thoughts or not, they feel so real, when they come on I almost catch myself genuinely feeling paranoid that they are 100% real and having a panic attack, but then the tiny bit of me that’s still rational brings me back to reality. And from then on I have to question myself all day “do I really believe this?” “Well you technically can’t disprove those things” “if it’s not real, then why does it FEEL real?” “This really is schizophrenia” “ what if it’s not schizophrenia but ACTUALLY real?” “who do I go to for help?” “What if I can’t trust anyone” and the scariest of them all…”why would a see a doctor if this is all real” etc, it’s literally hell. I can never give a satisfying “No, I don’t believe this” to these thoughts. I can go days and weeks and be able to confidently shrug them off and tell how ridiculous they are only for them to come back with a vengeance the next day. I could really use some reassurance even though I know it’s bad. I have never been like this before until I started obsessing over schizophrenia. I’ve been like this for 8 months now.

Eighteen months since I told my therapist "I had nothing more to lose" on my first session. Now I'm not 100% free with my main theme (most other themes are gone tho) but I have realized ocd might be my life long partner and I can never learn enough of how to co-thrive with it. Since recently started to view OCD as a gift rather than a curse. Two things mostly shaped my current view of ocd: 1. Last year I did an extensive literature research on ocd and came to the conclusion that OCD is a side effect of a neurodivergence. Then, I realized most of my gifts and the greatest things I have accomplished and enjoyed in life have been due to this, my erratic feature. 2.Last month I experienced an emotionaly intense event (best friend attempted suicide) which made I heavily retrospected my life. I always view myself as a very strong-willed person, but this time I even greatly exceeded what I considered my limit. I usually view myself as a pessimist. However, I realized that was my OCD-ness/neurodivergence made me always faith in the slightest hope even in my darkest days, made me throughout all of these. So, my life just reached its own harmony. Last year I finished lectures of Positive Psychology by Tal Ben-Shahar and adopted lots of attitude from it. I decided to practice on never seeing myself as a victim (but even as a benefactor). As a geneticist, I hold the strong belief that diversity is what make a population survive and thrive numerous environmental changes. Instead of seeing myself as a unsightly miserable disfunctional patient (what I had been doing for 10 years), I started to consider myself as one of the special individuals chosen by evolution for a greater purpose. I think more people can benefit from adopting a similar thought. In the place I'm from, 10 years ago when my main theme onset, being discovered for having mental condition almost equaled instant social death. With the fear of being seen as a permenently dysfunctional person, I hide my 24/7 theme with tremendous efforts, and the fear llingers on and on. Today we have been much improved in understanding mental diversity but people are still bothered by shame and guilty, this is just another structural problem waiting for us to solve. Self-understanding and acceptance is the initial step.

I hate that ocd not only latches onto people/things you love. But I hate how easily triggered it can make you and compare yourself to actual scary/bad people. TikTok has been such a big trigger of mine because I keep seeing crime cases, people harming people/younger ppl, and my most recent trigger someone potentially harming their pet. When I see all these things my brain tries to make connections to my past actions/things I said/ etc to try to find connections to how I’m also bad like them and I should just end it all before I truly end up evil. It scares me I don’t want to be an evil person or bad or worse things. I’m not like those people but my brain says other wise. How do I combat this? I can’t stop thinking about my latest trigger because I feel like it’s an old theme resurfacing and I’m so scared-please advice? Explanations? Why does this disorder exist?

I feel really stupud righting this right now. I can't tell you how many times I've written something and then back spacr everything I wrote. But I guess this is my way of trying to i dont know, better myself. I read everybodys stories and I feel for each and every one of you. What you all go through, is something nobody should have to do. But I know we can't all share our complete thoughts, becausr idk about you guys. But I'm ashamed and scared. I'm scared that my thoughts will make me dangerous or violent. I often compare myself to Jeffrey Dahmer because of what I think. And it's exhausting, but no matter who tells me their story or who shares somethung similar it doesnt feel right. Nothing really feels right to me, and not in a perfect order type of way. More in a my organs are in the wrong spots, my skin feels unevenly placed on my body, and I just want to rip everything off of me. I won't go into details of course, I don't want to trigger anybody on here. But having ocd, or maybe even getting diagnosed or helping yourself through medicine and therapy just seems so pointless to me. When I look in the mirror or imagine myself I'm nothing, I'm just a sack of flesh and everything I think and feel is a chemical reaction. It's alive but not real, I'm alive, but I'm not real. When I look around and I feel my skin, there is no possibly way I can be real, there is no way my life is real. I feel crazy because I constantly think I'm crazy, and the really sad thing is I want to get worse. I don't want ti get better. But at the same time I really really do, and maybe thats why i've never healed or "gotten better" is because something deep inside my head didn't want to and it never did. I am sorry for this being a long rant/vent, I don't know what I wanted this to be, but i'm typing so here we are if your still reading this. But have a good night you know, and thanks for reading this.