Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I think someone i live with washed poopy pants in the washing machine. I found some small brown bits in the machine. And the day before there was shit in our toilet seat. What should I do. I don’t wanna wash my clothes there now. How would a person without OCD handle this.

Hey guys, this is my first post here. I am a 24 year old male. I had a traumatic experience in a doctor’s office when I was 4 years old. I apologize for the nature of this, but I had developed a strep infection in my anus. It became bad enough that to get a test sample, the doctor had to stick a cotton swab that was several inches long and attached to a screwdriver handle up there. Even at 4 years old, I remember being so humiliated and thinking about how I inconvenienced my family by being sick like that. Years later, even what I imagine are normal bodily sensations could drive me to believe there is an infection inside of me. My senior year of high school, I had a civics teacher who showed the class a film starring Tom Hanks known as ‘Philadelphia’. In this film, Tom’s character is diagnosed with HIV. As his coworkers suspect his illness, he is blindsided by his employer to discover that he has been terminated from his position. As he is ridiculed for his condition throughout this film, his physical state and symptoms progressively get worse. Seeing his sickness play out, I would also become queasy at any scene where a patient receives an IV needle or is hooked to a machine. As well as HIV/AIDS or even cancer, I am seriously concerned for the condition of my thyroid gland. My father was diagnosed with Graves’ disease about 2 years ago. His condition was never discovered until his heart went into atrial fibrillation one morning. Seeing my dad as scared he was, hooked up to all of those machine, it was horrifying. As scared as I felt for my dad, it became worse when they said that Graves’ disease and thyroid issues can be genetic. Since this took place, I have consistently worried in the back of my mind for my health. I am so afraid to go to the doctor and get stuck with a needle. I am trying to get into therapy at my clinic, but the staff has displayed zero urgency in getting me an appointment and it always turns into a game of phone tag. I never receive a call the day they say they’ll call. When I call myself, they tell me they’ll know by tomorrow. I just need help in overcoming this constant fear that has plagued me for years now. I am so tired of being in my head. I want to be happy, to be healthy, and to be a providing spouse. I want to be the best version of me that I can for my wife. This is my first post here, I am so sorry for its longevity. I just need an outlet and people who understand what it’s like to live this way. Thank you all.

I'm making mistakes and it's bothering me. Sometimes when I pee a drop of urine gets on the floor and it bothers me. I will only clean the floor when about to get in the shower, so I cope by changing my socks in the meantime, for any trips to the bathroom. Lately I've begun to forget to change my socks. I think my meds have me day dreaming a bit, and each time I wash my hands after peeing, my mind goes to lala land. It just happened again. I also have a pair of pants I use when I go pee, so that the pants I'm wearing any given day don't get any urine on them. Anyway, after washing my hands, I went back to my bedroom and changed my pants. I wear a pair of shoes through psrt of my house to avoid the rug in that area, so I also put those on while going to change my pants. Now I feel as though my shoes and pants are dirty, because I forgot to change my socks until I was washing my hands after changing my pants change. I would love someone to tell me how I can restore the feeling of un-disgust. Any help is treasured.

I was diagnosed with ADHD years ago but have found that most of my day to day struggles are dominated by OCD behaviors. I have contamination and health O and find that in my work and household with roommates are where my compulsions to clean are most present. ADHD is easy for me to talk about with people, but I am scared that if I talk about OCD with people in these spaces, everything they see me do will be filtered through a less-educated perspective of OCD, and I will be judged for it. I don’t want people to assume how I feel about the cleanliness of things and label me “overly perfectionist” or “too careful” bc I am fully aware that I cannot impose my fears on anyone and how unrealistic the fears are. Yet I still want people to understand what I’m going through 😔

Im crippling from the stress, the last two years of my life were dreadful to say the least but especially this year,was horrible, I'm 14 and haven't received continuous therapy sessions for it just two random sessions with two different therapists that diagnosed me with OCD,my ocd started as me being a cleaning freak to the point of insanity,I'd spent hours cleaning my enviroment (not in a normal healthy way), TW my defecation body parts where so messed up(to the point of bleeding and scarring)from cleaning them over and over again so harshly,and I still felt unclean most of the time,I would repeat my wudu(a process of rinsing certain body parts like the face and arms to prepare for prayer,Im Muslim), so many times I've missed the times of prayers for it.However, in the last year i started getting really agressive sexual intrusion photos and thoughts of either family members or friends and just people in general,it was terrible and they developed into sexual intrusive dreams of people i know creating this shame and making me spiral and go back to some sexual stuff i used to do as I was introduced to p0rn/sexual g0re from such a young age against my will and never recovered from the scarring thoughts, this has affected me deeply because in Islam in order to pray you have to be Tahir meaning you didn't have sexual intercourse or sexual thoughts or sexual dreams (i always have the latter two 😔)and if you did you have to perform and cleaning ritual of cleansing your entire body properly which is exhausting to me because I do it so many times in a day which is driving me again to a point of insanity I hate myself

I’m tired guys. I’m tired of thinking something is always wrong with my health, tired of letting random symptoms/ sensations take over my brain and make me think something is horribly wrong. Tired of thinking I need to go to the doctors to get X & Y looked at. I’m tired of always assuming worst case scenario. I’m tired of constantly thinking if something is unethical/ immoral if I don’t do something, tired of always thinking I’m offending a religious higher being, tired of thinking I’m a bad/ disgusting person for my thoughts. I’ve had OCD ruin so many things for me that should have been fun. It’s ruined intercourse/ intimacy because of religious thoughts, or I keep thinking about STDs/ infections. I’ve been having panic attacks lately, something I’ve never experienced, because of life changes and it’s all gotten in the way of my structured life and it’s been very uncomfortable. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in danger, or nothing is real. Right now I’m fearing the most that I’m losing my mind, who I am, and I’m just so scared of my mental health getting worse and going manic or developing a dangerous mental illness. My mental health has NEVER been this bad. This is all new and it’s so scary. I was just fine a few months ago, sure I was dealing with other OCD stuff, the intrusive thoughts, the fears, the repetitive actions just to make sure something is the way I want it/ brings me comfort. But ever since my structure was changed/ ruined, it’s all been downhill. I just finished an EMT program, and that messed with me. Saw/ experienced things I’ve never done before and man, it’s really messed with me. Working on getting a new job in healthcare but still don’t have insurance so getting a new OCD specialized therapist has been difficult. Can someone relate just so I don’t feel like I’m crazy?..

so i’m getting ready for school and i’m dressed and i tied my shoes and usually i wash my hands right after because the floor is one of my biggest triggers like it’s so dirty to me so yea but i pulled my sweater down after before washing my hands and now i feel like my sweater is dirty. i can’t change because i have no other clothes ready to wear and it’s time for me to leave. idk what to do 💔

My name is Lily. I’m from a small town in Colorado. I have had OCD since I was 6 but I was finally diagnosed at 9. I am constantly being bullied for being different and I came here to find others dealing with the sales things as me. I have never met another soul with OCD and no one in my area really knows what it is either. My most prominent OCD is sibling contamination OCD. I feel like my brother is dirty so I can’t touch him or anything in my own home. I can’t even touch the doors to leave without someone opening it for me or using gloves and washing my hands afterwards. I struggle everyday with anxiety which transferred over to harm and suicidal OCD. Whenever my anxiety gets to great I have to cut myself or sit on the roof and cry with my thoughts telling me to jump because I hurt my family emotionally. My parents call me a burden and my dad used to physically beat me. I’m trying to heal but all I can see in the mirror is a messed up 15 year old girl who is a burden to her family. Sometimes I wish I could just bring myself to the end and put my family out of their pain. I think I need someone with OCD to talk to.

Every time I feel like I'm doing something major that OCD has held me back from, or even just in a good headspace, something else will happen that sets me back of triggers my anger and hopelessness. This morning I felt so hopeless and didn't want to get out of bed. But I made myself get up, and order some groceries because I hadn't been eating much lately. Having a hard time with food prep and making sure everything is clean enough to use and eat. Anyway I ordered some stuff to have delivered bc I knew the stores would be packed on Sunday morning. I made coffee and started feeling like I could get some things done today I'd been avoiding, and that I could handle things. When I went down to grab the grocery bag that had been delivered, it was on the ground outside my building and it had some red spot on the outside, which is my biggest trigger with contamination right now. It was really discouraging and I got so, so angry. I know that there's not OCD god, and that things happen, and that I don't know what the red mark was, but I also don't know how to not worry that the person delivering it was bleeding or that I could use anything I got without worrying I'm in danger. Ive been desperately trying to find help and a therapist, even switched my insurance to see if it helped but I've had no luck and my life is unraveling right now. If anyone has any advice or encouragement, It would be greatly helpful.

I wash my hands More thank 10 times, I go to the bed and now, after 15 minutes, I want washing again ;( I feel I can touch everything way to my room: the door handle, the trash of kitchen, anything and my parent get mad about that and she gonna angry if I wash again now...I feel sick

How much longer do I have to endure this? I've been seeing a talk therapist for over 2 years, and my specialist for nearly 6 months, and I've only made a small amount of progress. What is the magic to getting better? I feel like I'm just treading water. And just saying I need to do things that are uncomfortable isn't cutting it, or else I wouldn't be in the situation I am. Who knows the answer and can help me? Who has dealt with these feelings and can offer me guidance on what works? My life is passing me by and year after year I'm merely existing. I was excited when I took the first step and reached out to a therapist 2 years ago, and hoped that I would get better soon. I've continued to have hope and get excited with each new step, but I'm still waiting; >for these feelings to go away, >to gain my time back, >to have the ability to live in a clean home, >to see my family, >to live my life, and enjoy each day again. Why am I still imprisoned by this?

i have always kept my struggles with ocd from friends and family, except for my parents, but they don’t know everything about it either. i guess what im looking for is advice, reassurance, someone who can relate, or someone to explain what is going on with me. recently i have had a terrible problem with grinding my teeth a certain way on the left side and then the right side to make it “even” and it has become a habit. i can never put my right sock on before my left sock and i can never put my right leg in first when putting pants on… if i don’t always put my left before my right i can’t help but feel like it is a part of some sort of butterfly effect where everything will spiral if i don’t follow my normal steps. i constantly pick at my skin and my eyebrows because i can’t stand feeling unkept. i take 2 showers a day whenever i feel “dirty” and i have a very specific routine. whenever i look at windows, doors, doorframes, picture frames, tvs, or anything with an outline i count it. i count how many sides there are, how many corners there are, how many panes are in a glass window, etc. in school i have trouble focusing because i count ceiling and floor tiles. i struggle taking tests occasionally because if i read the directions or question in the “wrong tone” in my head, then i will most definitely get the question wrong and fail. this causes me to re-read over and over again until it feels right, and i end up running out of time and having to make up tests that i didn’t finish. i believe my ocd and perfectionism ultimately lead me to bad places in my mind. i struggle with standards and expectations mentally due to my ocd. i fear that i will never be understood, even by my own self. sometimes i scare myself because i get random images of people inflicting harm on others or on me. years ago when i first acknowledged my ocd, i became very depressed. i felt different in a bad way, like people could read my mind and know what was going on and think i’m a bad person. i am generally popular with people now, i am an excellent student, and i am beautiful, but i have always struggled. i have no idea how to take care of myself and i have no one with similar experiences. i just downloaded this app and i am really glad i get to rant so i hope someone listens to me and my struggles with ocd. thank you.

I’ve really been struggling the past couple days or even weeks. It’s hard to control my ocd because it’s causing sick strong anxiety. I’ve struggled with anxiety for what feels like only a few years but it has definitely been longer than that. It got really bad during Covid because I had to much time alone with my thoughts. Since then I’ve learned to control my anxiety and talk myself down. But for some reason I’m having a flare up. Im probably going to sound so crazy. My sister does my nails for me bc they’re acrylic and idk how to do them. When she does them they aren’t perfect but they’re free. Don’t get me wrong they look good but the paint isn’t PERFECT. So I feel ugly and I get anxious because it’s not perfect. I’ve also developed an eating disorder. Thinking about food starts to make me anxious. I’ve been working out for years but since I got surgery on my eyes in the beginning of July I haven’t been as active. It’s nice waking up in the morning knowing I don’t have to go workout and get all sweaty and shower. I can just wake up and brush my hair. I straighten it so I can just leave it go for 1 or 2 days. But my fiancé was telling me he doesn’t want me to get fat. Now I’m skinny but I got a little stomach. It’s not FLAT like all the models you see on instagram. I wish it was but I’ve been working out for so long and my stomach doesn’t change much. It starts to look toned after a while. My arms looked really good at one point but I’m not sure what happened. So I get anxious bc I want people to think I’m not fat. Idk why other people’s opinions matter to me. I think I’m afraid that if I stop caring then I really will get fat. I would love to talk with a specialist but I know I’ll just break down in tears when I start talking. I tell my fiancé every so often when I get anxious and he isn’t tells me it’s okay. Actually the response I got from him today was “hm” so I feel like I need to reach out for more help or just some advice. I’m CONSTANTLY cleaning my room because I’m afraid the dirt will ruin my furniture or my stuff. I literally lint roll my sheets in the morning to make sure there’s no dirt….. I know it sounds ridiculous. I make my bed a certain way so it looks really nice and fresh and I’m constantly spending money on new bedding because I like my things to feel new. I get anxious when my shoes get dirty or scuffed up. I get anxious when there’s dirt on my bedroom floor. I’m not sure what to do to concur the fear of dirt. Do I seek help from a therapist on here or will I be laughed at?

I held the container that contains the coffee grinds over the garbage an even though I know it didn't hit the garbage I keep thinking it could have hit the garbage. Any thoughts or help from those who share contamination OCD?

Hi! I'm Kelly. I'm new to this. I am posting this...after having written it five different times because I would read it and think "I'm such a faker" and then I'd exit out and think "oh. Well actually, that's the OCD talking, let's try again." I had no idea I had OCD though someone probably should have noticed at some point. I have known I have had depression since I was 19, and had been on medication for ten years before I finally decided to do TMS therapy. And it worked so well! It calmed that depression down in that part of the brain. However, with the depression finally quiet, OCD really took the spotlight and I lost 60 pounds over the course of 6 months because I couldn't eat from a deep fear of contamination. For a while we thought I had somehow developed an eating disorder at age 30, but after some serious investigating, my doctors and I finally settled on OCD. Now my husband says "it makes so much more sense now, you always saying your mean thoughts out loud so it won't hurt you." So that's fun. Anyway, I can't trust my own brain and it's frustrating and I hope maybe I can find a friend to talk about stuff like this with.

im at work, coworker had an OPEN WOUND BLEEDING and did not cover it. i had to go get them a bandaid because they basically refused to wear one. there’s a scab on my face that i picked that i noticed was bleeding, wiped it either with my shirt or the back of my hand and put some aquaphor. but now im scared there’s a chance the blood could have somehow gotten into my face and through that cut and now i have some disease or something. im really scared.

Im new to this community but i am relieved that I've found a place to openly talk about what I've been going through. Last year i felt like i was in a good place with my mental health and then i got an eviction notice and i went into a spiral. Since then ny depression is constant, i have so many random pains in my body and i /constantly/ have the urge to rip into my skin. I'm not sure when it started or how it got so severe but I've had to move in with family to avoid being alone at home and hurting myself. It got to the point where i wanted to cut into my wrists and not just little cuts but deeply and the urge comes on almost every second of the day; i have to scratch them excessively just to feel the slightest relief. I feel so uncomfortable in my body, it's triggered by my dysphoria, my fear of contamination, and now it's just the automatic response to when i feel the slightest but uncomfortable or anxious. It would be interesting to know if anyone else experiences something similar and how they cope? Have you told anyone you cam trust?

how many others on here deal with emetophobia alongside their OCD? I just got diagnosed with OCD, and i’m currently trying to learn more about it. A lot of my OCD comes from my emetophobia, but i do however have other compulsions aside from that. The compulsions and thoughts i have that affect my life the most is definitely the contamination thoughts/emetophobia. it’s been so difficult for me

Hi guys. I'm asking for help on different ways of approaching groinal responses. Whenever I have intrusive thoughts, like really bad ones, I can feel my heartbeat "down there". I used to always associate it with arousal so now I just feel like I like thinking about the intrusive thoughts I've had about POCD and other stuff. It makes me take a shower everytime to "clean" myself but I need help because it's exhausting. Does a heartbeat down there always mean arousal? Do I make it happen because I just think "don't happen" a thousand times in my head?

Has anyone else struggled with handwashing in their OCD? I’m interested in hearing other stories about different experiences with it