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3 years of the same thing. It never got better. When I see food i think it’s scary and i’ll choke or struggle and when i’m eating it’s just even worse. Sigh

OCD causes burnout, brain fog, chronic stress, high cortisol, heart palpitations, etc. This is not good for your brain or body. No one can tell me I'm better off mentally/cognitively than I was before OCD. Other than "being more thorough," I feel like everything is worse... Sense of self Emotionally numb Worse memory Mental fatigue Burnout from OCD Creativity Hopelessness If you're replaying thoughts 10,000 times.... it's gonna have an effect over time. "it's temporary" "it's reversible" "it's just OCD" Ok that's nice and all but what about if it's already been normalized and the neurological damage has already been done? This is the most demoralizing thing I've ever experienced in life. It ruins life. It destroys your outlook on the future. You can't fkn escape it. Doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, or what life situation you're in -- It's a curse. The fact that this even exists as a mental possibility should piss everyone off. Maybe you guys haven't reached this point yet. Maybe I'm speaking from the future - if your patterns continue for years. Or maybe I'm a special case. Or maybe it's overreacting. Does it really matter though if either way the impact is real + consistent for years? Neurologically, I feel like I'm on the other side of "the damage is already done." I'm just burnt out at this point and I feel the neurological damage. It's like if someone had their life and then got in a car accident and became paralyzed. There was "life before the accident, and life after." It is 2 different lives. Before OCD I was more vibrant, energy, hopeful, better outlook on the future. After? Bitter, pissed, demoralized, worse cognitively. Dealing with OCD as the headache it is is one thing, dealing with the neurological effects of it is almost as bad if not worse in my opinion.

I would be grateful, if someone could answer! So Ive had HOCD for months but now luckily its gone Idk how I did that but the thoughts dont bother me anymore. And for the last coupe of montag I was so happy, not worrying about anything. My life finally felt worth Living. But now it has all turnen upside down. For dass ago I slept for 14 hours and I suddenly bekamen anxious: what if I wont fall asleep tonight because I slept so much? And that night I only slept 3 hours- Idk if it was due to my overthinking or the fact that I slept so little. Then the day after that I was panicking, scared to go to bed, and that I Would not sleep again. Well that night I actuallly slept 7 hours. But now this night it took me 3 hours to fall asleep. I World be tired but my heart is always puonding and everytime I Would drift off I Would become super aware of the fact, that I would fall asleep. Ik it sounds silly but its keeping me from sleeping and Im helpless. Im scared that Im developing severe Insomnia. The worst Part is, that I really struggled with sleeping before and was finally over it and happy and not worrying about it anymore. And I was just so so happy. But now its back Worse than before and I dont know what to do. The only way I was able to sleep tonight was with my dad laying next to me. My dad. This cant be the solution forever and Im just really really helpless and dont know what to do. Im scared of tonight and dont know how to handle this and the fear of not sleeping

I’m so exhausted from all of the thoughts. I’m so over being terrified all the time, I just want a life. It’s so hard to live like this. I feel hopeful in my recovery and then a couple days later it’s like I’m at square one again. Whether it be a new thought or an old one I forgot, I always panic and fall into the same thought patterns and compulsions. I’m tired of this loop, it’s torturous. Things have been very hard recently. Is this just my life now? I’m still pretty new to ocd recovery, will things get better? Did anyone struggle this way while they increased their medication dose?

Does anyone have any other mental health disorders and/or neurodivergence on top of your OCD? And if so how do these react with each other in your mind? Do you feel like you need to take unorthodox/ alternative approaches to dealing with ocd because of the other things you have going on? Personally having been diagnosed with adhd and ocd, I have problems deciphering between the two, especially since this is all fairly new to me. so I’m super interested to see about everyone else’s experiences!

This is embarrassing to ask but has anyone dealt with contamination OCD in relation to their bathroom habits? I worry I’m not clean no matter how much I try to be. Then I worry about spreading feces and germs onto my possessions. I’ll spend hours in the bathroom trying to be clean. I fight it everyday and it is EXHAUSTING. Please tell me this isn’t me being crazy.

I want to try and be brief since I don’t want to overwhelm anyone here. For the past few months I’ve been posting about my progress in regard to conspiracy theories I’ve been bumping into, and how they’ve been effecting me mentally and my perception. I’ve been stressing more as of late on Satanic Ritual Abuse, and how it’s tied to a lot of companies and government programs. I’ve been stressing about this in particular because of the fact that A: a majority of pieces of media are potentially brainwashing material, so I don’t really have a safe space to when it comes to escape. And B: The fact that if all this Satanic stuff is true then it means religion is true and apparently I’m doing something wrong in regard to morality. On top of that I’ve met a few people with sort of Satanic faith and they’re pretty chill. Honestly curious if there are any others who stumbled into this rabbit hole whilst researching Epstein, as well as people who just so happen to have a satanist aesthetic, and what your viewpoints on all this are.

Can anyone relate? I have dealt with ROCD across two long term relationships. The first was a high school relationship that just didn’t work out. But the one I’m in now has so much love in it. For the first time in my life, I went months without OCD ruling my life. But of course, I’m back in the thick of it. My thoughts also spike around specific traits about my boyfriend and then I ruminate about them, think about how it’s going to affect us long term, and basically spiral myself into thinking I’ve never loved him and I need to leave now or else I’m a horrible person who strung him along. How do I handle all of these negative emotions that come from hyper-fixating on these tiny things? I’m literally concerned because he’s not always super outgoing which usually doesn’t bother me actually but the second it’s inconvenient or it annoys me even the slightest (or I start comparing him to other people and how he “should” be) I start going in circles in my head that create all of these negative emotions and disconnection towards the person I love so much. Does anyone else struggle with this? There are so many things that I love about him. Why does my brain convince me that this one thing is going to cause me insurmountable pain down the road if I don’t fix it right now??

Hi friends. It's been a while since I've been on this app. But alas, here we are. I learned a lot the last time I was here and I've beaten this ocd bastard twice on my own, but it has come back and now I just need support. If possible, I would prefer that support from those who are further along on their healing journeys as I am, but I feel newer fighters can learn here too! I love my boyfriend endlessly. He loves me in the soft way I always needed. The demanding way I always craved. He sees every part of me and chose me the same way I chose him. The ruminating started about a week before he moved in. I understand I have some attachment trauma from previous relationships that I need to work on. The first month was a constant spiral. The second month not so much. Good days, bad days, days with just that buzz of anxiety. Days where I feel over the moon in love. Days I feel anxious to be near him and Days I feel like I cant get enough of his touch or kiss or love. The mornings are the worst. When I wake up and feel him and instantly the anxiety is there before I can even cognitively register what is happening. It takes FOREVER to shake that. And the way it warps my thinking just gives me more anxiety. As I am writing this, there is not a doubt in my mind that I love him and want to spend as much time with him as this universe will allow. I want every tomorrow, every one day, every quiet moment in between. But my question and need for support is how to get through the mornings. Or better, how to practice successful ERP before youre even conscious lol. I do what I can of sitting with my thoughts/discomfort/etc. I spend a few extra minutes in bed with him just cuddling and breathing and existing. But it still lasts hours. Is there a step Im missing? Along the same frame of thought, I initiated sexy time the other day (big win I know), but halfway through I had the thought of "What if I am just using him for sex?" And I couldnt shake that either (hard to when there is so much else going on lol). Any help or positive words would be appreciated. I unfortunately cannot afford therapy and this site doesnt take my insurance. So im trying to do the research and ERP on my own.

Struggling this morning with my OCD as I have an upcoming doctor's appointment this afternoon and am scared of the outcome. Feel like I'm spiraling, fixating, difficult to be mindful. Real struggle. :(

so I told my bestfriend about my thoughts, it obviously didn’t make me feel better. I feel like a bad person every time I’m around her now. she said that she’s had thoughts too she can just brush them off, but the fact that they’re so bad for me and so frequent it’s hard to be like its OCD even though I am diagnosed. and it’s hard to get better because I feel like i’m just a p.. like therapy won’t for someone who’s actually a p so why am I here.. how am I supposed to know when I have a thought about every kid that I see and it’s been this way for so long? I don’t even know what it’s like to think normally of a kid anymore. i’m jealous of everyone around me.. hearing other people’s stories don’t even make me feel better because I feel like mine is worse and I know this is an OCD thing, but I’m genuinely like so convinced that it’s not.

Ok, I know the second part of the title might come off annoying in some scenarios but let me cook. So, the past few months i decided to come off meds for multiple reasons, mainly sleep issues and emotional numbness. After a month it felt unbearable so i decided to slowly try out lower doses (I’m currently on 75mg of Sertraline, before i was on big 200mg). Lately I’ve been thinking about experiencing discomfort, anxiety and my inability to do so. I feel like huge portion of my anxiety comes from me being absolutely terrified of the feeling of fear itself, and having real difficulty managing and accepting uncomfortable emotions. So I have to constantly monitor (my breath , I have a lot of Somatic OCD) be on edge and regulate through rituals to keep everything perfect and presentable for others all the time. Medication helped me a lot with these, BUT it made me absolutely numb to life and experiences. I didn’t care about anything, I think partially this might be the reason I failed a year in university and lost friends. ( I might be wrong.) I was chill, but about everything, so much so that I think I missed out on necessary anxieties to move me into action. On 75 mg im starting to feel being disconnected a little from my environment again, but I’m still monitoring my breath a lot and its causing me anxiety and a lot of sadness. But maybe these are necessary parts of life and I need to stop escaping them every time I can? I don’t know. I don’t know what to think or do. My psychiatrist has a lot of trust in me trusting my instincts about medication, but I really don’t know what to think now.

How do you draw the line between being safe / responsible/ self aware and giving into compulsions? Such as asking for feedback vs seeking reassurance or being conscious of dangerous situations vs avoidance as a compulsion? Also do you consider doing research a form of seeking reassurance?

I am a gay guy, or at least I think I am, but I've always had intrusive thoughts about women. Not just that, but about other things in general that to me are horrible such as stealing or murdering, ever since I was a kid I had a history of depersonalization. But then I was able to accept myself as gay and lived comfortably with that, ignoring intrusive thoughts. But then... I was directly told to consider looking at women differently, and that "signals were always there". The self tests have been going on for two years now, but it just.... Never worked. Never works, but it feels like just one more time it will work. It never does. I just wanted to be able to dream about having a boyfriend again without any of this. Anytime I stop the checking, eventually a panic attack ensues, because images of women constantly pop up in my head and I constantly try to stop the checking by answering "maybe yes, maybe not". My nervous system got so tired of it it started avoiding women and trying to go towards the nearest man, including imaginary presences in my head. But I've gotten so used to testing that it got itself blasted even on that. I do not know what's real and I'm so fucking tired of people trying to tell me what's real or not. Telling me that my feelings for men were just a result of autistic hyperfocus. I'm exhausted.

I have been having a pretty bad bout of anxiety for the past few days dealing with something I have done in the past and still currently. Long story short I have gone to massage parlors that offer happy endings as an option. I always saw it as a way to relax and it never was a big deal. One time I felt super self conscious about it and talked to my family and friends and most who are extremely sex positive minded said it is perfect normal for someone of my age to partake in something like that and that they would be more surprised if I hadn't. This brought me a lot of comfort and gabe me alot of perspective on the issue. But what had me panic as of late is the fact that while I have gone to these places, I don't ever actually fully engage in intercourse. I did a maximum of 4 times out of the many I have gone to over the years, but that's when I was younger and the prospect of a pretty women offering it as an option was a no brainer and protection was always worn. What started to get at me recently has been like a question of my character and if doing this over the years has somehow sullied my chances of being in a relationship with a woman in the future. Kind of in the vein of what she would think if I were to tell her I've done that in the past and if she would even want to continue going out with me or even pursue a relationship. I started to panic in catastrophize as if doing that in the past or even recently has ruined my chances in the future in the way. I've told this to friends and family and they have let me know I'm thinking way too much about it and overreacting to the point of having a panic attack. Other things I've seen where I looked up things on the internet around it when I shouldn't have made me even more afraid. I started asking a bunch of what ifs that I never asked before. Did going to these places give me a subconscious complex where I view women as objects and view intimacy as transactions? Would this affect how I treat a person in a relationship. I know the answers to these questions would be no because I never viewed any women that I dealt with at those places like that at all it was purely just a fun experience that was mutual at the end of the day. But I keep playing our scenario in my head where I get with someone and we date for a while and I reveal that to them and everything falls apart. I have negative thought to my head saying oh you don't deserve to have a relationship after doing this for that long. Which I know deep down isn't true. I have viewed positive posts online where I've seen opinions of women who wouldn't mind someone that's done that in the past and use it as a regular thing that's done more often than people think. And that there's nothing to be ashamed of. And this should give me definite comfort and hope but they're still nagging negative thoughts in my head that are causing me a definite pit of anxiety in my stomach lately. I'll get tunnel vision when I'm driving I'll give a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach I'll get facial tics. The whole nine yards has been happening the last two days. All or nothing thinking like oh have I wasted opportunities in the past by going to these places and all sorts of things I've started weighing on my mind. Making this post has made me feel a bit better because it allows me to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper so to speak. But it's definitely been exhausting and it's had me distracted from other things that I've been excited about coming up with family visiting soon and I rather not have that dwelling on my mind when I'm supposed to be enjoying my loved ones. I've even told my therapist about all of this that I used to go to before I moved and she still communicates with me and she sees nothing wrong with what I've done and that the only thing she said is to just be safe and respectful and to have fun. As well as my doctor. There is a post at the end that definitely gave me a lot of Hope into this matter because I know a lot of people nowadays are way more sex positive-minded than I would think about the issues and I probably am not going to run into whatever catastrophic scenario I'm thinking in my head.

I have been having a pretty bad bout of anxiety for the past few days dealing with something I have done in the past and still currently. Long story short I have gone to massage parlors that offer happy endings as an option. I always saw it as a way to relax and it never was a big deal. One time I felt super self conscious about it and talked to my family and friends and most who are extremely sex positive minded said it is perfect normal for someone of my age to partake in something like that and that they would be more surprised if I hadn't. This brought me a lot of comfort and gabe me alot of perspective on the issue. But what had me panic as of late is the fact that while I have gone to these places, I don't ever actually fully engage in intercourse. I did a maximum of 4 times out of the many I have gone to over the years, but that's when I was younger and the prospect of a pretty women offering it as an option was a no brainer and protection was always worn. What started to get at me recently has been like a question of my character and if doing this over the years has somehow sullied my chances of being in a relationship with a woman in the future. Kind of in the vein of what she would think if I were to tell her I've done that in the past and if she would even want to continue going out with me or even pursue a relationship. I started to panic in catastrophize as if doing that in the past or even recently has ruined my chances in the future in the way. I've told this to friends and family and they have let me know I'm thinking way too much about it and overreacting to the point of having a panic attack. Other things I've seen where I looked up things on the internet around it when I shouldn't have made me even more afraid. I started asking a bunch of what ifs that I never asked before. Did going to these places give me a subconscious complex where I view women as objects and view intimacy as transactions? Would this affect how I treat a person in a relationship. I know the answers to these questions would be no because I never viewed any women that I dealt with at those places like that at all it was purely just a fun experience that was mutual at the end of the day. But I keep playing our scenario in my head where I get with someone and we date for a while and I reveal that to them and everything falls apart. I have negative thought to my head saying oh you don't deserve to have a relationship after doing this for that long. Which I know deep down isn't true. I have viewed positive posts online where I've seen opinions of women who wouldn't mind someone that's done that in the past and use it as a regular thing that's done more often than people think. And that there's nothing to be ashamed of. And this should give me definite comfort and hope but they're still nagging negative thoughts in my head that are causing me a definite pit of anxiety in my stomach lately. I'll get tunnel vision when I'm driving I'll give a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach I'll get facial tics. The whole nine yards has been happening the last two days. All or nothing thinking like oh have I wasted opportunities in the past by going to these places and all sorts of things I've started weighing on my mind. Making this post has made me feel a bit better because it allows me to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper so to speak. But it's definitely been exhausting and it's had me distracted from other things that I've been excited about coming up with family visiting soon and I rather not have that dwelling on my mind when I'm supposed to be enjoying my loved ones. I've even told my therapist about all of this that I used to go to before I moved and she still communicates with me and she sees nothing wrong with what I've done and that the only thing she said is to just be safe and respectful and to have fun. As well as my doctor. There is a post at the end that definitely gave me a lot of Hope into this matter because I know a lot of people nowadays are way more sex positive-minded than I would think about the issues and I probably am not going to run into whatever catastrophic scenario I'm thinking in my head.

Kinda vent. It feels so wrong but like im a christian/catholic and i have been fighting with scrupulosity for a while even tho its gotten better but like ive researched so so much i still do reasearxh on religious stuff and ive found out about so so many rules and studf i didnt know before, like mass every week is obligatory, friday penances, and some stuff as sins, but like its made me kinda lose my hope and faith because it feels like im doing everything just so i dont go to hell and not for love, like i feel like mass and fasting shouldnt be obligatary cus then people do it so they dont sin or in fear not for love, but also its so hard to pray for me bc ocd makes a billion rules over it, and im just tired of praying and being religious and feeling that i cant enjoy my life cus id sin and stuff, and also the concept of heaven/hell scares me i wish there was a world where i could just live and be a good person withiut any religious expectations…. Sometimes i wish that my family hadnt taken me back to the church cus then i was happier, i dont get it cus faith used to make me happy and hopeful but its weird cus now it makes me feel mad anxious and like lifes useless, idk if its just my mind the ocd or just that religion (catholic?) is that way but like it feels like life is useless cus i could try to be perfect but one day missed mass and didnt confess and its all over, or like why really try to live a good life if ill go to purgatory anyways? Its like i have to be perfect or else im doomed. But like its weird cus religious ocd is usually like someone wants to be a good Christian and stuff but like idk im so tired that i just want to live like for myself like to feel happy cus im alive cause im a person not because im going to heaven and being scared of sinning all the time… plus it feels like i just matters if im a good religious person because i told my dad about ocd prayer urges and he told me to ask God what he needs and see it as smt good as a message, and i had low blood sugar in mass befote my first communion and my tescher let me eat just a little, it just feels like i dont matter and only god and religious stuff does and if im not a good christian then im not a good person I feel like im losing hope in life and no matter how much i try l never win and why try if ill just go to afterlife anyways? I dont like the idea of eternity loll… but im also scared of not being religious because ill feel like i wouldnt be safe anymore like ill go to hell or just not be safe in the world from stuff cus im not praying for protection, i dont thjnk i could really ever stop being Christian tho, i wish i were a protestant tho cus im catholic and so many rules make me feele like im doing it from fear instead of love for god and i think if i were protestant i could focus on loving god bc i want to and not because of fear, but im also scared id go to hell if i were Im so sorry for the long vent lol i know its so messy but i really need someone to understand, everyone in my family’s religious so they all see religion as good even tho its making me want to die

Im worried that if this thing was ok id want to do it

These past two years have been nothing short of purgatory hell. Not due to my OCD symptoms that have been trying desperately to flare up these past 6 months, but because of life itself overall and collectively. Before I elaborate, thank God for NOCD, ERP therapy, talk therapy, medications I have been on since 2021, ECT therapy from 2021 - 2022 and my overall own set of tools post being clinically diagnosed for Chronic OCD, Major Depressive Disorder, and Severe Anxiety. It’s a miracle in it and of itself that I am still alive, able/willing to talk about these past two years, and remain with the strength, courage, resilience, and overall grit to speak openly about all of the above for anyone else who can relate, needs an open dialogue to be able to discuss, and community feel to utilize our collective resources. In the past going on two years in June, 26’, I will have ended a 14 year relationship (domestic partnership) of which collectively wreaked havoc over my life to date, moved twice and am aiming to be able to move again STAT/ASAP, underwent a hell on earth living experience at my former residence in NJ, moved back to NY where I grew up and have been living in isolation with my four ESA’s; all of whom are my life and reason to keep going and purpose in life 🐾, experienced a wrongful eviction in NJ that has put placed my four ESA’s in an extended-stay living situation; of which I have been relentlessly trying to get out of for the sake of all us, got into my first ever (no fault) car accident and sustained life changing inquires of which I have had 1 out of 2 mandatory surgeries for, my first ever slip and fall in the NJ residence that I mentioned; due to the building’s negligence/unprofessionalism/retaliatory behavior and the surgery from that injury as well (3 in total within under a year), lost my vehicle in the process and am currently in a “Bridge Vehicle,” that turned out to be a legitimate “Lemon,” that I am hoping to obtain counsel for to address, currently remain in legal battles with my ex partner who purposely sabotaged my life to date, and just recently; within these past two weeks, have fired my legal counsel For Cause; that had been representing me for the past two years for two separate Gender Identity discrimination lawsuits and their firing was due to conflicts of interests with the defendants, overall case negligence, blatant and blunt misconduct towards me as their client, etc. But the absolute worst of all; was tragically loosing my late, beloved, French Bulldog-Brie (Bestie). Who I posted about back in September, 2025. A loss of which I am still grieving over on a daily basis for the past 7 months. As well as being there for her sister and three brothers. All of whom who are also suffering from her loss, alongside me. My now four (forever 5) fur-babies and I are all we have. No living family members (any who are alive are “Dead,” to me due to unforgivable circumstances throughout life), any former “Friends,” relationships of which total 15+ years collectively; I had been cutting off since 2024 and 100% cut ties with as of this past November because anyone who was once apart of my prior life proved themselves to never have truly been a “Friend” nor “Family” member to me/us and not a single person from our past has even so much as reached out to send a text message, not a call, nor a social media interaction. Mind you, these are all people that I removed from my/our lives and with good reason, but I just can’t relate to such evil, hateful, and heartless people/souls. And I know that this had to be done in order to realize that these are the “Family/Friends,” I once had done anything/everything for, but during a period of time of my life when I’ve been in need (specifically these past going on 6 months); not a soul, not a single person has even so much as reached out. Leaving me to 100% fend for myself and all of my fur-babies; while navigating through all of the obstacles and hurtles I have been on a mental, physical, emotional, and overall health position. Never, had I ever or would I ever have thought; that I not only would be going through all of this and all at once through a prolonged period of time (despite any/all efforts thus far to continuously correct), but 100% alone? And in complete and total isolation? I can’t even fathom the idea; let alone to be living proof of it. I’m someone who is no stranger to the “Trials and Tribulations,” of life. However, this collegians and all at once/back to back for going on 2 years now isn’t humane. It’s unjustifiable, it’s inhumane, and it’s everything that’s wrong, collectively. And so, I share this sentiment with my fellow soldiers, my fellow warriors on the battlefields of “Life,” and all those with the strength, courage, resilience, and grit to conquer on! All the while already being faced with mental health conditions/illnesses. I commend us ALL! And if no one else today, this week, this month, or this year has told you yet; I SEE YOU, I HEAR YOU, AND I FEEL YOU 💯 WE’RE NOT ALONE AND WE HAVE EACH OTHER 🫂 That’s is what COMMUNITY, is all about 💗 Anyone/everyone who can relate in any way, shape, or form; let’s all help each other out by hearing each other out and being there for each other in however which way we can❣️ Sending love, compassion, and support to all those suffering from monster and battling the beast that is OCD 💌

For the past year my ocd has been attacking morals of my loved ones and not me. It’s hard to trust people when ocd makes us not trust our own selves. It’s so hard seeing all of these stories in the news about people doing awful things. Or having secret lives or being a bad person. These things used to attack me but now I’m paranoid that everyone around me specifically my bf is secretly a p*do or bad person or hiding something from me or gay or just not being honest with me. And I get it with other people too. And it’s upsetting because you never know who someone truly is. And how am I supposed to be happy and live a life with someone and create a family with someone if I’m always doubting who they are as a human. I want to accept uncertainty so bad but I’m scared I’ll never be able to and I’ll always be on edge of people being “bad”. I never hear about people obsessing over this and so sometimes it feels like it could be intuition. I know ocd attacks everything. But it’s just a hard topic and makes me sad but then also feel guilty when I’m done spiraling.