Iâve had OCD since childhood, and itâs shifted through a lot of different themes over the years. My earliest signs were contamination fears, fear of choking, appearance fears, and a general sense that something âbadâ would happen if I didnât do certain things the right way. Over time it evolved into health OCD, especially around skin, medications, and fears of weight gain or that something will harm me or make my symptoms worse.
One of my biggest struggles is needing actions to feel âright.â If I click a button wrong, move the wrong way, or something doesnât register properly, I feel a rush of anxiety and have to redo it over and over until it feels correct. Phones, apps, even games become stressful because one tiny âoffâ sensation can trigger a whole loop. I repeat words, song lyrics, little phrases, or facial movements until they feel right too, especially while showering, brushing my hair, doing makeup, or winding down at night. Before bed I have to repeat certain thoughts or phrases or I feel too anxious to lie down.
I also over-focus on breathing, sweating, and small bodily sensations when Iâm trying to do something, which makes the task feel harder. Socially, I freeze up because I feel like everything I say has to be perfectly phrased. I rehearse sentences in my head before speaking, which makes conversations feel exhausting.
Sensory overwhelm is a huge part of my OCD. Sudden sounds, textures, or physical sensations instantly throw me off, make me tense up, or make me feel like whatever I was doing is âruined.â Stepping on small objects, touching my hair wrong, or trying to get ready can push me into irritability or compulsions. When the sensory overload and OCD hit at the same time, it becomes almost impossible to do basic tasks like getting ready, focusing, or even moving around without feeling âwrong.â
Stress, overstimulation, and OCD compulsions sometimes build up to emotional overload. Iâve had episodes where the âwrongnessâ sensation pushes me into panic, intense irritation, or crying spells â especially if I bump into something, step on something, or get interrupted during a compulsive moment. Iâve been working on it and these episodes are less frequent, but they still happen.
I also deal with obsessive fears about contamination of food or products, and paranoia-like doubts that people might be upset with me or that something bad will happen if I donât say or do certain things âright.â This leads to reassurance-seeking and compulsive apologizing.
Right now, for example, Iâm anxious because I keep slightly dropping my phone or holding it âwrong,â and it makes me feel like I have to redo things or avoid using it altogether.
Overall, my OCD affects daily functioning â routines, focus, hygiene, eating, social interactions, and anything that requires fine motor movements or sensory tolerance. Itâs exhausting, but Iâm trying to get a clearer picture of it and connect with others who relate. (I might be autistic as well :))
