- Date posted
- 15w ago
I just feel petrified and I donāt understand why. There arenāt even any thoughts right now. I just feel so scared.
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I just feel petrified and I donāt understand why. There arenāt even any thoughts right now. I just feel so scared.
This might be asking for reassurance but Iām at a point Iām not sure if this is ocd and who better to ask than you guys. Also want to mention I have been to a psychologist who diagnosed me with ocd and Iāve tried to seek therapy through NOCD but had a bad experience so Iām just looking for an opinion Iāll take with a grain of salt. Iāve been through bouts of pocd that I got through but now itās morphed into something that feels so different. Itās like harm ocd and pocd together and it revolves around my daughter. Before this happened I was a loving mother who valued my kid more than anything. Now this is happening and it feels so sinister. Iām getting urges to do something bad and I get these feelings like I want to do that and itās like my brain gets foggy and my values slip away and I feel like I could do it. But then I get a moment of clarity and Iām like wait a minute Iāve never hurt anyone in my life nor have I ever thought about it and this is my child what is happening. But then I get that foggy brain again and itās like I canāt see her as my child. I try to sit with it and itās like I get this adrenaline rush and feel like I have to do it. But I know I donāt want to do that, but then itās like trying to make me want to want to. Iām not sure if Iām just lacking insight and clarity because Iām overwhelmed with the groinals, urges, thoughts and feelings but I just keep obsessing over the fact that death is my only way out. I donāt understand what happened to me. It feels like this demonic oppression and I donāt know how to get through this one or if this is still something I can get through because it might not be ocd. I try to go with the thoughts and feelings and say yeah maybe, maybe not, or yeah Iām going to do that but it seems to fuel the feelings. I feel like Iām teetering between the person I was and this evil awful person who has no regard for others. I donāt want to be around my daughter and Iām just angry all the time. The fear and anxiety used to be something I relied on and I feel none of that now. I used to be able to say āwell no matter what I feel or think I can control my actionsā and now it feels like I cannot control my actions but Iāve never hurt anyone before. Someone please give it to me straight and tell me if you think this might not be ocd.
Where do I begin with thisā¦ā¦.. so my OCD has been around since childhood and has had many themes over the years. I only realised I have it just over 2 years ago. Iāve tried many things to help it not be such a monster and thought I had a good grip on it for a length of time until now! Some of my strategies have been acceptance, change of perception of thoughts and sometimes on hard days just telling myself that no matter what, I have to be brave and go out and live life. In the last few months Iāve developed none OCD related anxiety as well and so have been looking at ways to help with that. Sunday morning I was just casually scrolling TikTok and a video only about 30 seconds long or so comes up, seemingly a therapist of some kind, straight away the video began something like āyou cannot replace a thought with another thoughtā along the lines of āyou canāt THINK your way out anxietyā I donāt know the full context of the video it wasnāt long enough, I donāt know who the therapist was I didnāt look but now purely because of that one sentence my OCD has gripped onto it so badly and is trying to tear down some of my strategies because I have used changing my thought patterns a lot to help me, self compassion etc but now because of that video Iām struggling! Iām not looking for answers but I am just really upset and it feels like Iām in an impossible grip of OCD again
Since I developed ocd as postpartum my ocd has mostly always targeted my kids. It started as harm and then switched to pocd. Both are equally very painful. For years I was mostly able to keep my ocd at bay but when it comes back itās so bad. I have a son and a daughter and my ocd switches back and forth from kid to kid with horrible intrusive thoughts and now even intrusive ocd dreams. With each thought I get past and start to feel relief another one pops right up. The thoughts feel so real and true even though I know itās just the ocd and not how I think or feel, the ocd always makes me doubt myself and question everything I think or do. I know other moms/dads go through this too. Please anyone who has or is going through this please tell me how you deal with this. šŖ
Advice needed please: Has anybody ever been in a situation where something traumatic or heartbreaking was happening in their life and struggled with rumination? I know there is like a normal amount that you should process something and cry it out but I donāt know that it is conducive to anything to do that on and off for hours? Wouldnāt it at a certain point be considered unhelpful rumination? And if so how does one stop? Because Iām going through something so hurtful and confusing that I donāt know how to stop thinking about it and the usual distractions donāt work for very long. And idk how important this is but it just happened today so itās very fresh which makes it even harder to not think about and āfigure outā why x, y, z happened. Goodness, Iām sorry if Iām weird or a baby
Every day my ocd makes sure thereās a new reason for me to stay trapped in my mind rather than being the mom I want to be that my kids need. Instead iām stuck in my head depressed and pushing them away. The other day I was braiding my daughterās hair like I always do and her hair is really long so when I get to the end of the braid I can see her butt in my peripheral vision and I looked down and I immediately got upset asking myself why did I look down?(the ocd has made me question everything I do now). I know itās just because I was at the end of the braid and I just looked because I was already looking in that direction. A normal person wouldnāt even think twice about it. There was no inappropriate reason behind it at all but of course my ocd latched onto the situation and said I looked down because I wanted to look at her butt. I was so upset and said to myself āI donāt understand how the ocd started an intrusive thought because she was wearing baggy pants. I could understand if she had on tight pants and her butt was more noticeableā and the only reason I said that is because usually the only time my ocd starts intrusive thoughts telling me iām looking at my daughter in a wrong way is when she has on leggings or a crop top or bathing suit ect. Now my ocd twisted what I said to mean that I like looking at her in tight pants. Nooo! Thatās not what I meant but now the ocd wonāt stop trying to make me believe that. I donāt ever look at my children in any inappropriate way. I hate this. I hate ocd and I canāt live like this anymore.
Has anyone ever just felt weird? Itās hard to explain but I just feel weird lately. I usually suffer with harm OCD and I feel like lately Iām not reacting to things I normally would. Thereās certain things that will trigger me a little but then other times (like over the last few days) itās like I feel nothing. Iāll get thoughts and because I donāt feel the physical sensation in my chest or get very emotional like I normally would itās weird to me. Does this mean Iām liking the thoughts now? Or like Iām comfortable with those actions happening? Iām so confused. Has anyone ever gone through this?
I am starting to come to grips with intrusive thoughts, reading how your brain will think of the worst thing / or make you think of something that really distresses you. BUT, Iāve got something I need to get off my chest, not looking for reassurance but just to know Iām not alone I guess? I remember one time, I saw a girl I follow on Instagram go on a marathon, and then went straight out for dinner after without showering and I had the passing thought of, gosh she must smell, even worse, she must smell down there. That has got to be the worst intrusive thought EVER, and because it affected me so much, I have the urge to think of this horrible horrible thought most times I look at people. Wondering if they smell!!!! Itās disgusting!!!! :( I donāt know if this is because I also have contamination ocd and I do obsess about feeling and being clean.
hi. so one big factor of my OCD is rumination. i met a guy who i have a crush on the idea of (idea bc there are red flags). my biggest fear is not finding true love, my ex told me no one else would deal with what i have (my ocd, specifically reassurance seeking and getting overstimulated after intimacy). a few weeks ago, my friends and family all gathered and tried to give me advice that sounded like āyouāre shy and youāll never find someone.ā after that, iāve felt off. iāve been using an unhealthy coping skill, daydreaming, and iāve just felt unbalanced. my ocd makes everything feel different sometimes, i canāt explain it. life, myself, almost like being in a dissociated state. has anyone else experienced that? i donāt know how to remain balanced during my off times and i know pms exasperates it all. i take ashwaghanda and omega 3s in a multi vitamin daily. i take them all together in the evening but iāve missed three days recently and also messed with my rocky sleep schedule because of fun times with friends. i hope these supplements work, because i donāt know if iād be brave enough for medication. i had a bad reaction on prozac and often am forgetful. i just have been battling my OCD consciously for almost ten years now and unconsciously for longer. i am so tired, as my mental health extends beyond my OCD. iām in talk therapy with some cbt aspects but i only see her twice a month. iāve broken down so many times and promised myself id get on track or that certain things would work, but itās like i am stuck in a circle that gets smaller when iām able to help myself. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to mess up my sleep schedule to enjoy good times and not suffer horrible consequences or fear that i will be entirely thrown off balance. i donāt want to worry or doubt or feel so dissociative that i squint my eyes for a moment and wonder why i feel so unreal. i will never understand why god has allowed me to go through this. i cannot let it be for nothing but i donāt know how much more to bend and contort my body and brain to get somewhere stable but how lovely it would be if i could. i donāt have much of a schedule right now, i get apathetic and give in with things from time to time. one thing can trigger me and i am back to square one wether in a week or month. any advice, any and all is so helpful. your stories, your thoughts. maybe feeling less alone and knowing what has helped you is exactly what i need right now. thank you š
TW: suicidal Constantly fixated on the fact of helping people. Iām always doing compulsions like checking social medias to see if people need help etc, itās exhausting cause Iām so sad Iām unable to help everyone. I just donāt know what to do and if Iām being entirely honest itās making me not wanna be here anymore. Iām afraid that if i walk away from my phone for even 5 minutes someone will be in need and in danger and I want be there to help therefore itās my fault etc. how can i cope with this? Obviously I want to help people but I wanna do it in different ways
i couldn't take this anymore. maybe i'll just let ocd win this time. it's too hard to not have a clear conscience everytime i'm with my bf cuz my mind is telling me i'm unfaithful and don't deserve to be happy. i feel like i'll never get better anymore. i already told myself many times to stop attracting attention from other people especially to people i'm having false attraction to. but i did it again yesterday, right after i smiled a little extra in front of that girl i might be attracted to i could feel the massive anxiety in my chest. already decided last week that i might be actually attracted to her so it's best to fully avoid her. i avoided her with the best i could, but we're in the same classroom and i saw her in my peripheral vision looking at us (my bf and i) whispered to myself not to make any mistake i'll regret, but then i felt like i lose control and laugh a little extra. i searched micro cheating and it says there "trying to impress someone you're attracted to" and now i want to break up with my bf. the guilt is too strong. i couldn't sleep at night.
I have a lot of thoughts about the universe, and theyāre overwhelmingālike being caught in a rip current, except itās all inside my head. Most of the time, theyāre about how small we are, how there really isnāt a āweā because our bodies arenāt truly oursāweāre just bacteria, cells, and microbes. The thoughts spiral, deeper and deeper, smaller and smaller, coiling until suddenly, Iām pulled under, drowning in a whirlpool. Iāve never felt like this before, and Iām convinced Iāve been faking it somehow. For the past few weeks, my OCD has been worse than itās ever been in my 20 years of life. Or maybe Iām just more aware of it now. Has anyone else had their OCD suddenly get really bad? Does it ever endāif it even can? Iāve convinced myself that my intrusive thoughts arenāt actually intrusive, that my OCD is a choice, and that everything I do is intentional. As for compulsions, I donāt have the typical āIf I donāt do ____ then ____ will happenā kind of thoughts. Instead, my brain simply commands, āDo ____,ā and I always give in. Itās so loud in my head, and I canāt shake the feeling that Iām an imposter. Like I donāt belong hereālike my presence on this app is an intrusion, invalidating everyone elseās struggles just by downloading it and daring to post. If anyone feels that way, if you think Iām intruding, Iām sorry. I only came here because I have no one to share my diagnosis with. Pouring my thoughts out, hoping someone might understand, feels less suffocating than journaling. Journaling is like letting a wound festerāeach word burying the thoughts deeper, leaving them to decay in silence, for nobody to ever read but myself.
Does your ocd ever start to tell you that youāre having a psychotic break? I have such a hard time telling what are ocd thoughts and what are real thoughts as it is. But now my newest ocd thought is that Iām losing my mind. Please tell me Iām not alone in this!!
Everyday just gets worse and worse and thereās no way to escape the cycle. This constant feeling of dread and guilt I canāt stand it. I have no one to talk to about any of this because I have a fear of them thinking of me different and I donāt like putting my problems on people it just makes me feel like I want attention or something like even when Iām writing this paragraph. Iām stuck in a constant loop. Constant aggressive thoughts and compulsions. Iām 18 and I donāt know about any of my insurance or anything so I canāt get a therapist on here and I really donāt wanna talk to my mom about any of this. I dread having to wake up everyone morning and continue with this shit all day every day. I hate complaining but I just canāt stand this. I donāt know what to do. Iām slowly losing every inch of my mind.
It's especially worse before my period, but i still get this all other weeks. The past few months I've noticed more that i get in waves of not being attracted AT ALL, physically and sexually. Sometimes I'll think my fiance looks cute but then I feel like it quickly goes back to not feeling attracted. I analyze his appearance and face. I check our pictures a lot and sometimes i dont think he looks attractive and other times i think he looks attractive. I compare his personality to others... I keep getting the ick. I feel terrible. I basically have zero libido for sex or masturbating. I'm afraid that he's not the one for me, I feel like I'm getting FOMO. My anxiety gets so high in the morning to where I have break up urges sometimes. At the same time I don't want to lose him and the thought of me not being with him makes me cry.... We're getting married next year and sometimes I feel guilty wearing my ring because im having these thoughts. I feel guilt and question myself every time i think about wedding planning. I question if I love him anymore because of this. I fear I won't find him attractive ever again or in the future. I had a couple days where i had clarity and we talked about our future etc, found him handsome, had intimacy etc, but then like I said it reverts back to the doubting. I keep seeing posts that people who are married 10+ years are still in honeymoon phase, still find eachother massively attractive, have sex all the time. It makes me feel like something is wrong because we're not like that and that I'm supposed to be with someone else in order to feel that. Before we moved in together we had sex 1/2 times a week maybe. Now its like 1/2 a month... And i know part of it is because were familiar with each other/live together etc. But why do i not feel attracted!? My partner is so understanding, sweet and caring even through all of this. Hes so supportive and he's my best friend. I keep asking him for reassurance if he feels loved by me etc and he always says yes. We've been living together for 2 years and been together for 6 total. I keep getting into a depressive state and crying over this over and over and over again. thinking what if we're not supposed to be together, FOMO, if we're compatible, thinking I should just be alone. Its exhausting. And hes always there to hold my hand and comfort me. I got teared up just typing that. Hugging him gives me comfort. I feel like there's a part of me that's suddenly scared to get married, but I want to get married. but it's like suddenly the thought of marriage makes me scared??? But also at the same time i feel like if we were married already i wouldnt be going through this? A few months ago we were looking at houses together, picked out wedding colors, I was traveling for work and was so sad to leave him, and so happy to see him when I got home. I do see a future with him. We talked about kid names in the past. and now I feel like I'm questioning everything in my life for no reason. I HATE feeling this way. I just feel depressed all the time, don't want to do anything, just lay in bed and cry. I hate waking up in the morning. I barely have the motivation at work or just to do my hobbies. I want to be normal again. Anyone been through something similar? Does it get better??? Should I take meds for this?? I'm currently in therapy but I think im going to switch therapists.
I have this same problem repeatedly where I see things online about faking OCD and people talking about how OCD isnāt just cleaning and it makes me feel like Iām faking it and itās pretty much its own theme now. I have a handwashing problem and since itās so heavily stigmatized as faking I never do it when others are watching because then I feel like Iām seeking attention. Pretty much all of my visible compulsions I do are behind closed doors or on my own and I canāt do anything about it because if I try to show somebody then Iām attention seeking and faking. If I try to talk about the fear then Iām also attention seeking because now Iām guilt tripping and seeking sympathy and therefore I shouldnāt tell anyone and I shouldnāt show anyone. Iām essentially hiding an entire mental illness because of this, the only person Iāve ever really told about my issues is my therapist, nobody else feels safe.
Hi How to deal with a fucked up narcissistic mom that caused me to have ocd ?????? I have so much anger towards her and idk how to let it out.
Whatās good times to feed your cat? And how many times? Iām getting a cat and was wondering to be safe, the cat Iām planning to get is 3-4 months old and is a female (sheās spayed) ANY cat tips is needed! I want to be the best I can be!
Iām having a very bad evening with my intrusive thoughts. I was doing really good dealing with them but tonight one hit me hard. Iāve been having a lot of different intrusive thoughts but Iāll have one occasionally about hurting my mom or my dog who I love and theyāre the only family I have in my life. Theyāre my world. I was helping my mom put away the dishes and I had the big kitchen knife in my hand and my intrusive thought was you could stab your mom. And then my brain said I had a twitch in my hand and that meant I wanted to do it. Let me just say that I wouldnāt hurt a fly. I actually caught a fly in a glass and put it outside instead of killing it this evening before this intrusive thought happened. Iām such a gentle and compassionate and caring person and these thoughts instantly cause me to have a panic attack. And I have no one to talk to them about. I know theyāre hard for my mom to hear and I donāt want to be any more of a burden than I already am. I do desperately want to tell her and have her reassure me that Iām not crazy or a psycho. Then my thoughts wander to if your hand did flinch could you be a psychopath. Is hurting someone in you. I know itās not but I feel like my mind is out to get me and hurt me. Iām working so hard and I thought I was doing so good but I need to know why I have these thoughts. Theyāre not ok. I need someone to help me make sense of why. I know we arenāt supposed to ruminate but I shouldnāt have thoughts like this about people I love and care about the most in the world.
Anyone else have the fear of blacking out/having a psychotic break and harming others or myself/having no control of your body? Any tips on how to deal with this or anyone whoās recovered from this? Itās probably been my worst yet - the fear of having no control over my body or my actions.
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