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I just feel petrified and I don’t understand why. There aren’t even any thoughts right now. I just feel so scared.

This might be asking for reassurance but I’m at a point I’m not sure if this is ocd and who better to ask than you guys. Also want to mention I have been to a psychologist who diagnosed me with ocd and I’ve tried to seek therapy through NOCD but had a bad experience so I’m just looking for an opinion I’ll take with a grain of salt. I’ve been through bouts of pocd that I got through but now it’s morphed into something that feels so different. It’s like harm ocd and pocd together and it revolves around my daughter. Before this happened I was a loving mother who valued my kid more than anything. Now this is happening and it feels so sinister. I’m getting urges to do something bad and I get these feelings like I want to do that and it’s like my brain gets foggy and my values slip away and I feel like I could do it. But then I get a moment of clarity and I’m like wait a minute I’ve never hurt anyone in my life nor have I ever thought about it and this is my child what is happening. But then I get that foggy brain again and it’s like I can’t see her as my child. I try to sit with it and it’s like I get this adrenaline rush and feel like I have to do it. But I know I don’t want to do that, but then it’s like trying to make me want to want to. I’m not sure if I’m just lacking insight and clarity because I’m overwhelmed with the groinals, urges, thoughts and feelings but I just keep obsessing over the fact that death is my only way out. I don’t understand what happened to me. It feels like this demonic oppression and I don’t know how to get through this one or if this is still something I can get through because it might not be ocd. I try to go with the thoughts and feelings and say yeah maybe, maybe not, or yeah I’m going to do that but it seems to fuel the feelings. I feel like I’m teetering between the person I was and this evil awful person who has no regard for others. I don’t want to be around my daughter and I’m just angry all the time. The fear and anxiety used to be something I relied on and I feel none of that now. I used to be able to say “well no matter what I feel or think I can control my actions” and now it feels like I cannot control my actions but I’ve never hurt anyone before. Someone please give it to me straight and tell me if you think this might not be ocd.

Where do I begin with this…….. so my OCD has been around since childhood and has had many themes over the years. I only realised I have it just over 2 years ago. I’ve tried many things to help it not be such a monster and thought I had a good grip on it for a length of time until now! Some of my strategies have been acceptance, change of perception of thoughts and sometimes on hard days just telling myself that no matter what, I have to be brave and go out and live life. In the last few months I’ve developed none OCD related anxiety as well and so have been looking at ways to help with that. Sunday morning I was just casually scrolling TikTok and a video only about 30 seconds long or so comes up, seemingly a therapist of some kind, straight away the video began something like “you cannot replace a thought with another thought” along the lines of “you can’t THINK your way out anxiety” I don’t know the full context of the video it wasn’t long enough, I don’t know who the therapist was I didn’t look but now purely because of that one sentence my OCD has gripped onto it so badly and is trying to tear down some of my strategies because I have used changing my thought patterns a lot to help me, self compassion etc but now because of that video I’m struggling! I’m not looking for answers but I am just really upset and it feels like I’m in an impossible grip of OCD again

Literally everything. I was talking to my friend, I have to confess that to my bf. I post on here, I have to confess that to my bf. I make a joke, I have to confess that to my bf. This is getting out of hand. I was doing better and I had stopped confessing but now it’s like on crack.

Hi there, I hope you’re all well. Sorry for the long post, however, I would appreciate any advice. I also appreciate it if you want to stop reading at some point as this will be a long, and brutal post. I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD however, as we all know, the diagnosis can take a long time and I feel like it’s 100% a given that I have OCD. When I was 10 I was experiencing extreme intrusive thoughts about me doing bad things I.e killing someone, or robbing a shop etc. I practically forgot about this part of my life until 3 years ago when I developed some form of stomach bug which was making me want to be sick, although I was never sick, I just thought I wanted to be sick. I went to the doctors and they prescribed me anti sickness meds, which didn’t help, and soon after this I realised I was just anxious about something (which I’m unsure about), and then realised I never needed to be sick after all. When I realised it was my anxiety, it reminded me of my intrusive thought I use to have as a kid, and then this just re triggered my OCD and I was having horrible thoughts about other people, my wife etc which gave me a lot of anxiety. A lot of it was ROCD about not loving her etc. It took me a long time to get back to some form of normality, but I did. I would never say I was my usual self, but I got back to appoint where I came off meds, and felt relatively normal again without as many intrusive thoughts - and I thought I was ‘over it’. About 6 months ago, for whatever reason, I had a thought that ‘what if I’ve had an affair’, and it’s spiralled since then. I have no idea why I had that thought, and why it caught me so hard as I have never had an affair, but it did. And what I’m going through now is nothing like last time, it’s 100x worse. I tried to manage it by sitting with the thoughts etc, as that’s what I thought i use to do, but it just got worse and worse and worse. I feel all I ever use to do, was thinking about what I use to do to manage it, but it literally transformed into me only thinking about controlling/managing my OCD and never really on anything else. It got to a point where all I could think about was compulsions, and thinking if I didn’t do certain movements, thoughts etc my life would return to normality. I would feel a sense of satisfaction after not doing certain things, as I thought that was me resisting compulsions, but really, it was me just making it worse. At one point I would resist the urge to move my legs, or check my phone as I thought I just need to literally ‘sit with it’, but I took everything so literally. I’m now at a point, where I’m heavily depressed and can absolutely not see a way out, in fact, I have in my mind, that I’m going to EML, and i can’t shift this thought or feeling. I feel immense guilt and sadness in everything I do now as I’m just lying to everyone, and it’s un bearable being around my wife. Last week, I had 2 days where I even thought to myself, that I had turned a corner, and I think I actually believed it. But I feel that could have been because I was doing everything at 1000 miles per hour, and would constantly tell myself ‘I’ve got a great life’ and just reassuring myself constantly. I tried ERP, but I think this is too severe and when I was speaking to my therapist I couldn’t even concentrate because of all of the negative thoughts whirlwinding in my brain. I can’t remember what I use to think when I was normal, and I currently get enjoyment out of nothing. The thoughts are so constant, and I feel like because all I was doing was thinking back to how I dealt with it last time, my mind is now giving me constant images and thoughts of the past which just make me depressed, no matter what the thought is. I tell myself ‘to be in the present’, but I feel likes it’s even a compulsion me telling myself to do that because that just gives me a sigh of relief when I tell myself to do it. I’m so sorry for the long post, I just feel like OCD has completely transformed me into someone else, and I want to get back to the old me but I can’t even remember who that was and if it’s possible. That hardest thing to get over now is the fact that I can’t shift the feeling/thought of EML. Due to this, everything I do is unbearable. So sorry for the long post however, if there is any advice out there, that would be hugely appreciated.

Idk if it’s ROCD rn. I don’t feel much anxiety but it could be habituation to the thoughts of breaking up and worrying about if I love him enough. It’s hard to see a future. I’m pretty sure I still want it. It’s just it’s hard to see cuz of the thoughts I’m having. But there’s no anxiety. Is it just me falling out of love? Idk anymore. I’m a bit stressed and sad. I do love him but I worry I don’t love him enough. We’re of different cultures and religions and reading comments online people say it just doesn’t work so maybe it’s getting in my head. I feel a bit numb and confused. I still respond to the thoughts so that doesn’t help. Before all this a future with him was so clear but now imagining it I feel slightly anxious. Maybe it’s cuz I’m worried the risk won’t work out. I do want it to work out but I’m finding it hard to pixture the future Maybe it’s cuz idk what’s in store cuz this isn’t the life I imagined for myself. I never imagined dating a sweet Muslim guy. I thought I’d date a mediocre white man lol or a woman(yay bisexual, but also really scared cuz of soocd which could also be impacting this) So it’s a huge culture shift for me. I can’t see the wedding. I can sorta see the apartment. That doesn’t really change much, just the decor. I can’t see a family even tho I really really want it. I want to be immersed in his family and culture. I’m worried I’m gonna get bored of him which is literally impossible. I’m worried I’m gonna cringe at his looks. I’m worried I’m gonna realize I’m gay in the future (I’m not I know that. I like men) idk. I’m scared and confused. Did anyone else struggle with being unable to picture the future but knew or sorta knew you still wanted it despite the thoughts you were having? I can’t tell if it’s just an ocd thought or a genuine concern because of our differences even tho we’ve discussed everything. I know there will be events we can’t expect but we talked about what we could and then my brain jumps to worst case scenarios about smthn that may not even happen I want to live my life with him I know that. Idk what to do or how to distinguish the thoughts. Usually if it’s a what if it’s a not me thoight is what my therapist says so I try that but a lot of the thoughts come as statements. What do I do?

hi i just found this app but I’ve been wondering for some time if I have ROCD and I wanted some opinions on what other people thought so sorry it’s so long it’s my first time getting it off my chest haha i’ve been in 3 relationships including one i’m currently in. to give a run down- my first relationship was peaceful except i constantly wondered and worried about if we were a good fit, making bigger problems of small things, always psychoanalyzing what was wrong with my partner even though he was a really good boyfriend and we were happy. that one ended because of distance and then i entered my second relationship soon after. i felt so sure about this guy but he had a very severe case of retroactive jealousy, constantly asking inappropriate and intimate questions about me and my ex and getting angry when i couldn’t give him the reassurance he wanted. he was very manipulative and microcheated on me multiple times and that’s the reason why we essentially broke up. during that relationship i was constantly battling with myself with feelings of anxiety and mistrust. now i’m with my current boyfriend and we’re a work in process but he’s a good guy and i’m now realizing that i need to work on myself but im not sure if it’s partly due to rocd. we met on an app and we were talking to each other for about three months without being exclusive because i was scared that putting a label on it would make me get attached and get hurt by him because of my 2nd ex. i explained myself for why the no label but i did tell him that i didn’t want him having sex with other people if he was serious about pursuing us as a relationship because i find sex to be important and he’s had 20 bodies in the past because he only had one other relationship and after that he’s been casually dating for a couple years. he agreed but he ended up sleeping with someone. i took him back because i was the one that made it not exclusive when he asked for one. after that we made it exclusive but a month in we had a problem and being the avoidant that he is, he ran away and ended things with me. he ended up sleeping with the same girl he slept with a month before and it really hurt me. even though i did say it was not exclusive, i haven’t been seeing anyone else but him during the three months and i treated him like a boyfriend which is partly my fault. after much consideration and talking things through, i took him back and ever since he has done nothing wrong to make me question his loyalty or his intentions with me (other than the fact that he watches porn but we see each other once a week. i did tell him i don’t like that because he finds other ppl pretty and fuckable but he doesn’t get it. he said when we do have sex regularly he’ll stop watching it because he agrees at that point porn is unnecessary) we are definitely more of a slow burn relationship, it’s more steady and calm. but i can’t help but feel so turbulent inside. i’m constantly checking his social media (i have a really bad problem of stalking my ex’s social media. it used to be 10+ times a day but now ive gotten better with my ex), when he’s out with his friends he is not really on his phone and i’d stay up until 3am checking his location (he’s normally not a text person but he’s also working on that because i did tell him id like some updates), im constantly thinking that he’s going to get sick of me and that he’ll find other women pretty or that he’ll be happy with someone else. i try not to share all this with him because i feel crazy sometimes with these intrusive thoughts that i can’t get rid of but it does seep out even when im being so cautious. i feel like my 2nd ex had an influence on me, making me normalize the obsessive thinking that was happening every day while we were together and id just really like to have a peace of mind so i can enjoy this relationship for what it is. sorry this was so long but is this just the byproduct of my shitty ex or is this some sort of ocd i’m experiencing? any tips on how to snap out of times when the intrusive thoughts come crashing in? thank u for hearing me out

I've had a recent traumatic event in my family intensify my OCD as of a little over a month ago, and I think I've had it for most of my life and was able to get by, but now it's lowkey been consuming my life. The shape-shifting it's doing is wild too. It feels like a slot machine of subtypes and my OCD picking what it feels like ruminating about. Like I feel like I'm going insane sometimes ngl. It started out with like harm ocd, and it's shifted to suicidal ocd, existential ocd, schizophrenic ocd, psychosis ocd, then somatic ocd, religion ocd, and health concern ocd and probably others too tbh And as of tonight I'm having depersonalization/derealization symptoms to where I feel like things aren't real which I haven't really experienced before. I started Paxil a few days ago, so who knows if that is causing part of it. I'm kind of just trying to laugh it off, like idk if that makes me insane or not, but just like laughing at all of the shape shifting anxiety and ocd is doing to me and my thoughts. Like in the back of my head I'm like am I manic, or like why am I laughing at this feeling but I'm just going to try and accept these feelings and emotions as they are. I just thought I'd share my thoughts and feelings - and if anyone has experienced the shape shifting that ocd can cause lmk. I'm gonna try and sleep this off lol

Since I developed ocd as postpartum my ocd has mostly always targeted my kids. It started as harm and then switched to pocd. Both are equally very painful. For years I was mostly able to keep my ocd at bay but when it comes back it’s so bad. I have a son and a daughter and my ocd switches back and forth from kid to kid with horrible intrusive thoughts and now even intrusive ocd dreams. With each thought I get past and start to feel relief another one pops right up. The thoughts feel so real and true even though I know it’s just the ocd and not how I think or feel, the ocd always makes me doubt myself and question everything I think or do. I know other moms/dads go through this too. Please anyone who has or is going through this please tell me how you deal with this. 😪

In researching trans people and their experiences, I come across a lot of people who didn't want to be trans but gradually accepted it and felt better. I don't particularly want to be trans, or to live my life as the opposite gender, but I'm really worried I'm just delaying the inevitable.

Pls help me…This is long but i need urgent help..So my partner and i were on the verge of breaking up today and this is because i lied to him about something of the past where in the early days of our relationship i came back home and played a drinking game with a few of my friends where i made it clear i have a bf but also answered a sexual question with some guys name from that group not thinking too much cause i found him cute in the past but never did want anything to do about it and then i didnt mention this to my bf till today and he felt one extremely mad and that i cheated on him in a way and lied and was guilty and all i could think was yes i did find him cute and wanted his validation in the past and maybe even when i took his name for that question and never told my bf cause i was scared and it was true and that doesnt seen ocd its an actual action that caused this which means one not anxious intrusive thought and second actual feeling and action if validation and then i told my bf it was a mistake and all that but then that again means its not true and i was scared to tell him yes i liked that validation and he would leave me and he told me this that he would so because i was scared to be alone i said no pls dont and said i will change just to say and that j dont care enough just dont want to he alone and still liked that validation so this is not rocd right? I am in denial and not accepting that i am not okay and a bad person and scared to accept to self and bf cause then will breakup but if feel so and does so it already means so just delaying and will worsen? And also once before wr started dating but were together went out partying with my friends and this guy was there just cause he liked me and i made it clear i am with someone seriously and he didn’t try anything as such but still fed me a french fry and i ate it and my bf had a huge problem with it and i dont remember but i also might have fed him a french fry but i told the first half latter i dont remember and with the first one also i lied and here too and if so said my bf will not be with me and it doesnt matter to me enough but i still was okay with that validation and gave him an energy so that he could feed me a fry and maybe i did too and still lying about it cause my energy felt open to others and means it was and this is me getting people to condone this action by saying its ocd where its not and i am guilty and lying and cause otherwise why would i want his attention in the first place to begin with and eat a fry and later be okay with the idea to go for a party where he might be and just tell my bf nothing will happen to tell him cause then he will get scared but actually okay with that validation and actually is so and not a lie but actual actions so might even escalate and cheat in the future and do and say things to calm my bf dowb but otherwise actually want attention from other men and so not scared so cant be ocd actually doing so and asking to be told okay when know its not and making it ocd cause scared to accept its denial and its not and just cant accept i cant be with one person and like validation so much might cheat and these are not anxious thoughts but actually my actions so cant be ocd and is not right? Pls pls help me!!! And pls tell me the truth. I dont wanna accept this so making it ocd

i had my therapy session i did an exposure but lit my fear of death has been sticking with me for the past few days.. it’s so hard bc i have this constant “what if i die?” or “what if i wanna hurt myself?” with my sucidial ocd… and i’m like doing my exposure trying not to do a compulsion… bc this is my MAIN MAIN theme that bothers me… and my fear of depression comes along and says “what if ur depressed and don’t care and u wanna die? or ur gonna die?” especially it’s my last year of high school and i lost my best friend last year from her dying and i’m so scared bc i have this thought “what if something bad happens on the day she passed away or what if u die at the end of the school year…” or “what if u die before graduation?” because my graduation is on her birthday… and like my ocd is just making me feel down and it’s just ugh i want it to go away i’m so scared i’m gonna feel miserable like this i don’t wanna think of death and i’m so scared of it

Advice needed please: Has anybody ever been in a situation where something traumatic or heartbreaking was happening in their life and struggled with rumination? I know there is like a normal amount that you should process something and cry it out but I don’t know that it is conducive to anything to do that on and off for hours? Wouldn’t it at a certain point be considered unhelpful rumination? And if so how does one stop? Because I’m going through something so hurtful and confusing that I don’t know how to stop thinking about it and the usual distractions don’t work for very long. And idk how important this is but it just happened today so it’s very fresh which makes it even harder to not think about and “figure out” why x, y, z happened. Goodness, I’m sorry if I’m weird or a baby

Every day my ocd makes sure there’s a new reason for me to stay trapped in my mind rather than being the mom I want to be that my kids need. Instead i’m stuck in my head depressed and pushing them away. The other day I was braiding my daughter’s hair like I always do and her hair is really long so when I get to the end of the braid I can see her butt in my peripheral vision and I looked down and I immediately got upset asking myself why did I look down?(the ocd has made me question everything I do now). I know it’s just because I was at the end of the braid and I just looked because I was already looking in that direction. A normal person wouldn’t even think twice about it. There was no inappropriate reason behind it at all but of course my ocd latched onto the situation and said I looked down because I wanted to look at her butt. I was so upset and said to myself “I don’t understand how the ocd started an intrusive thought because she was wearing baggy pants. I could understand if she had on tight pants and her butt was more noticeable” and the only reason I said that is because usually the only time my ocd starts intrusive thoughts telling me i’m looking at my daughter in a wrong way is when she has on leggings or a crop top or bathing suit ect. Now my ocd twisted what I said to mean that I like looking at her in tight pants. Nooo! That’s not what I meant but now the ocd won’t stop trying to make me believe that. I don’t ever look at my children in any inappropriate way. I hate this. I hate ocd and I can’t live like this anymore.

Has anyone ever just felt weird? It’s hard to explain but I just feel weird lately. I usually suffer with harm OCD and I feel like lately I’m not reacting to things I normally would. There’s certain things that will trigger me a little but then other times (like over the last few days) it’s like I feel nothing. I’ll get thoughts and because I don’t feel the physical sensation in my chest or get very emotional like I normally would it’s weird to me. Does this mean I’m liking the thoughts now? Or like I’m comfortable with those actions happening? I’m so confused. Has anyone ever gone through this?

I experience fear with depression and the two just feeds itself. And the scary thing is that i try to do something about it but it gets worse and im scared more and have thoughts like i cant deal with this with makes me depressed. Its just like a strong fear is in me and i dont know what to do about it. In that mentals state i tried to do something and my effort meets with rejection, like i dont believe on what i say or its just my brain doesnt believes it and i have to struggle to make myself believe it and thats doesnt work. I dont have a tool for this problem, what i tried doesnt work and it makes me depressed. Also before with depression it helped me to see my thoughts, to notice wheres the lie or faulty thinking, now it doesnt works... I try to work on them but it doesnt work and it makes me depressed. Any advice?

I am starting to come to grips with intrusive thoughts, reading how your brain will think of the worst thing / or make you think of something that really distresses you. BUT, I’ve got something I need to get off my chest, not looking for reassurance but just to know I’m not alone I guess? I remember one time, I saw a girl I follow on Instagram go on a marathon, and then went straight out for dinner after without showering and I had the passing thought of, gosh she must smell, even worse, she must smell down there. That has got to be the worst intrusive thought EVER, and because it affected me so much, I have the urge to think of this horrible horrible thought most times I look at people. Wondering if they smell!!!! It’s disgusting!!!! :( I don’t know if this is because I also have contamination ocd and I do obsess about feeling and being clean.

I used tap water for my sinus rinse and sacred I will get brain eating amoebia. I googled it and it said I should be worried. Wtf should I do?

Hi! (I always turn on a trigger warning in case there was an accidental trigger for someone) I’ve been slowly coming out of a ocd relapse and had an amazing weekend with an incredible guy. Last week I’ve been bad about compulsions and handling random triggers. I feel bad even today for looking up internalized homophobia and trying to see if I relate. I’ve never been homophobic it’s just for me being gay is not who I am. I know I’ve been getting better because the thoughts don’t bother me as much but then it’s “but why don’t they bother me” kind of thing which is annoying. I’m a straight woman who struggles with SOOCD, ROCD, with hints of Suicidal ocd in the mix. I struggle with a lot of themes but SOOCD and ROCD are prominent and have been the most difficult for me personally. I have always been with and fallen in love with men. My dream has always been to marry like Bruce Wayne or have always imagined myself being with the leading guy in a movie that I thought was attractive. I was even married to a guy. We are getting divorced and I’m realizing that I went through a lot of mental abuse and ignored a lot of red flags. My confidence and self esteem have never been so low. Until I met this guy. I was on the verge of a breakdown with the relapse I had been having. Before I left to see this guy, my mom had a talk with me. She told me that the reason I was relapsing was because of my period being late (which it still is) and that I’m still carrying the hurt and shame I experienced from my marriage failing. From feeling ugly and not being good enough for my ex husband who was emotionally cheating on me. She said “OCD is making decisions for you before you even get the chance to. OCD is going to attack what makes you happy”. And this new guy really does. I don’t know how to explain it but when I saw him this weekend, I felt peace. OCD still crept in but it was easier to manage especially when he was there with me. I honestly have feelings for him but am not use to feeling so calm. He knows how to talk to me and he pays attention to me. We have a deep connection and I honestly see myself having a future with him. OCD has been attacking me here and there with worry that I’m lying to him about who I am or seeing him leave with another woman. I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to get hurt again and scared about all the uncertainty again. I’ve never once questioned these things about myself until November of 2023. I’ve been doing better but I’ve been feeling so many different things and now I value this man so man. I’m scared I’m going to hurt him because of my ocd and the thoughts I have. I keep having thoughts about lying and it’s just awful. I caught a glimpse of the old me when I was with this guy. I could feel my feelings and that connection that I always use to have with myself before ocd. I didn’t realize how much stress has really destroyed my sense of self. My self trust and always being confident in who I am. I could feel whenever I looked into his eyes and how he melted my heart. It felt amazing to be me again even if it’s for a short amount of time. I recently listened to Zach Westerbecks podcast called you’re not alone and he said to take recovery seriously. I want to. I need to. I wanna be me again and I can feel her in there. I also really want to be with this man. So if you read this much, thank you! My message is find your reason and take recovery seriously. You are not alone.

Hello. I think the alcohol problem has been passed down through generations in my family. My grandmother on my father's side and her siblings drank, my father and his sister drank. I thought that this problem didn't concern me, because I reach for alcohol on weekends or occasionally, most often during parties or social gatherings. I don't drink during the week, for me it's time for work, duties, sports. If there's a party, I've usually had enough of it the next day. I've had my fun and it's enough for me for a while. However, sometimes I drink up to 10 portions of alcohol at a party, counting each shot, drink or glass of wine as 1 portion. It happens to me that I black out. Sometimes I don't know when to stop drinking. It seems to me that everything is fine, and then suddenly it cuts me off. I've noticed that alcohol sometimes has a bad effect on my emotions. After drinking, I'm more impulsive, I explode more easily and I argue with my partner more often. I'm terribly emotional then. Alcohol gives me a sense of joy and openness - after it I feel more confident and more sociable, which is attractive to me. I simply like to party sometimes. Unfortunately, these positive emotions are sometimes short-lived, and then I sometimes have a terrible moral hangover, like two weeks ago on Saturday. We were at a restaurant with friends and then we ended up in a club. I don't remember the end of the party. I fell asleep in the club. I feel ashamed in front of my friends. Because it's not appropriate for a woman. These thoughts tormented me terribly, even to this day I feel ashamed and it torments me. I would like to understand where my attitude to alcohol comes from and how I can control it better. Is this already alcoholism? I'm afraid I'm addicted. I also suffer from OCD and I don't know if OCD has kicked in now. Lately, this fear of being an alcoholic like my father has been paralyzing me a bit. I constantly have thoughts about whether I am an alcoholic, whether I drink too much, what if I lose control and start drinking every day or black out again. I am constantly searching for information about alcoholism, I spend days googling, asking others, analyzing past experiences. Maybe someone can relate. Thank you for your answers.