Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’m confused and idk how i feel. I feel empty. I feel like i don’t feel bad for my religious thoughts anymore and that maybe i’m having them on purpose??.. I don’t know how to explain. Has anyone else felt like this.?

I was doing fine and right now I’m ok but I still have this mental anxiety. Basically I keep seeing images when I’m in the bathroom of me putting the paper on my mouth or face. It’s so gross. I can’t get the image out of my head. It’s based on a true event like I really did go to the bathroom but I didn’t do that I know I didn’t because I checked my face and my mouth after there was nothing there no drops of anything and I didn’t even lift my hand to do something like that. Also in the moment I didn’t have anxiety but as soon as I washed my hands and stepped out of the bathroom how come I got anxiety and images then? Well actually I didn’t have some anxiety during but the thing is I’ve been paranoid about using the bathroom for a few days now so every time I go I get scared. Actually not every time it’s only really specific times. I don’t understand any of this if anyone has any answers please help me. This even affects me when I shower and it’s ruining my life.

I’m afraid to move my tongue to a scary intrusive thought that I’m terrified by. I’m hyper focusing about my tongue all day. And I’m trying to check if I’m moving my tongue. Like when I’m thinking about a thought I’m hyper focus on my mouth and I feel like I move my tongue to the thought even though I’m not.I can feel my tongue and I’m going crazy. I feel anxious and can’t focus on anything else I feel like do it to get rid of the thought is my only chance I hate it

I have a fear of blurting out bad things. And I think this is related to Harm OCD. They’re really vile phrases or things that are directed towards people I like. For example, “I’m going to/want to *insert awful action* *insert name*” and it feels so much more intense when I’m near that person or near someone who cares about that person. I’ll also get thoughts that tell me to “just do it” and it feels like so much pressure. The most I’ve ever given in is mouthing it to myself. At times it’ll be random words or taboo things that shouldn’t be said lightly. Sometimes it’s a declaration like “I am a *insert terrible word*” and none of this is true. I’m having a really hard time because when I’m near my boyfriend, since he knows about these kinds of thoughts/impulses, I’m scared that I’ll just say it to get relief from the mental pressure especially since I’ve mouthed some of them to myself. I feel like I’ve been so close to doing it and that horrifies me. Is there any advice I could get or just anyone who experiences something similar?

NO MINORS i was on the subway and there was a baby in a stroller. i thought "cute :)" while looking at him and had a groinal response that felt good. i had no intrusive thoughts, nothing, just that feeling. what does that mean, it's not even the first time, why does this always happen around children

I went through ERP which helped a little but starting ICBT to hopefully help with rumination. I deal with suicidal ocd mainly which originally was a lot of specific harm thoughts and has now turned into “do I wanna do something” “am I depressed” and over analyzing everything that has to do with mental health. I’m on 20 of Prozac, have been for a couple months. My anxiety has almost went away but this week I’ve been concerned that I’m developing depression (for the first time ever), but I’m just not sure. I feel off. I feel “blah”. I’m worried that I’m not caring as much about things I did before. I’m ruminating a lot. Does anyone have any advice or insight? It’s really bothering me. I don’t want to freak out over this but want to prevent depression getting bad.

I just got my midterm 2 grade back from thermodynamics I got a 12/63. The lowest grade in the class I’m trying my best to stay calm and not want to punish myself. Now I’m laying in bed and I have another midterm next week for statics where I am failing but I did well on the last 2 quizzes so I’m at a 52% also I’ve been going to office hours it’s been helping. I found out today my issue why I fail my exams and quizzes is because I have test anxiety to the point when I sit down I forget everything ( I studied 7 hours a day 5 days before the midterm). I was thinking to prepare for this next midterm to do the opposite not study more then 4 hrs a day ( I study 8 hrs plus a day including hmw) and try to time myself for each question to do the homework and lecture questions and if I don’t get it done in that time look at the answer and come back to it later on ( so I don’t memorize the answer). I have not the best memory so I won’t remember the answer after 10 minutes lol. I’m not trying to beat myself up for failing but I’m trying to find a different approach. Any advice? Also I barely studied 4 hours this morning but a part of me wants to get up and study not because I have to but to beat myself up about failing :(

Hello everyone! I’m from Italy and I’ve been in talking therapy from 2018. Been diagnosed with OCD in spring 2022 after years of crazy suffering (themes like religious and scrupolosity OCD, main theme POCD which brought me into depression and desperation. Nothing got better of course in the talking therapy). In summer 2022 I started being on Zoloft + informed myself with content on instagram that helped me SO much in making things better. So I decided to choose a behavioral-oriented specialist in ocd. Found one, started the treatment in summer 2023. The thing is, that we are not really doing ERP as I know it from online info. His explanation of OCD is that it comes from not being able to take a strong position in your life, in several things (indeed, I am a big people pleaser). So we are working on me being more able to stand for myself, which is good, and I see improvement. Also in obsessions. But then, when sometimes obsessions come back, I feel immediately the guilt of “ok so where didn’t I take my position”, because he’s usually telling me that obsessive episodes reappear in periods in which I’m not taking my position (and this would lead to trusting less myself, so obsessions come). But this seems to me to differ from all of the content that I find online. Also, he’s not really providing me help for what to do when I have the obsessions, or how to deal with harder exposing situations in which I find myself in my daily life. So in those occasions, I just try to manage by myself with the information I have. Can some specialized therapist tell me if this explanation/therapy is harmful for ocd, or if it’s fine? I’ve been questioning myself about this for a whole year now. It’s hard, because I wouldn’t want to change therapist again, and don’t want also to question the procedures of a specialized person. But I also want to treat my OCD as best as I can. Thank you very much!

I just started working on my first exposure today with my therapist after screening and creating the lists for several weeks now. We did an exposure together and now I feel 100x worse than I did coming in. I won’t go too into detail but it involved looking at a VERY gory image that had to do with my fear of natural disasters. I called my mom and talked with her and she was shocked and wondered how in the hell that would help me! I agree. Did any of y’all feel this way when you first started or is this just not the right kind of therapy for me?

We have been together for three months, I have seen him maybe ten times due to where he lives, he drives 5 hours both ways to see me when he can -regularly and we speak on the phone for hours. Issue is he won't use condoms because it turns him off. I am scared to take the pill (I ordered it but im sitting here reading the side effects), I don't want to lose him and i defo want to have sex but I genuinely don't know what to do, pull out is risky, morning after pill is birth control on steroids, i don't want IUD or anything in me. I feel so stuck. i spoke to him about it and he said he tried condoms and they just Don't work for him, and he doesn't wanna go around trying a bunch of different ones. He's refusing to do other sexual things with me because it turns him on and said "he doesn't wanna put himself in that position to get turned on cos i won't let him in without protection" he's adamant that condoms are a no, but he doesn't want a baby right now lol drives 5 hours to get turned on but won't put a condom on, so would rather leave with nothing, i wouldn't mind if he would do other sexual things but he's refusing to even do that now, so i guess there's nowhere for us to go from here.

If you suffer from taboo themes, and deal with groinal responses… Do you feel they have disappeared? Do you still notice them? For myself, they have become so engrained/automatic , so while i do not get “anxious” by them anymore i still can clock them & it can feel discouraging … What are your experiences?

I have been dealing with rocd (i think i have it i dont know, it feels like it, i cant go to a therapist bc im a minor and my parent wont let me) i have this amazing relationship with an amazing boy, we are together since april 2023, in september 2023 i saw a tik tok( it was an influencer form my coutry and in that video she was showing how she cried a lot in her past relationship that she thought it was the love of her life and she was with another man now) a though poped in my head saying “what if i will not be with my boyfriend forever “ that evolved into “what if i dont like/love him” and stayed with me until now, multiple things happend and i talked to my faling amd friends but at first it was a rielef now its not, im getting worse and worse and i keep questening if i love him or not, and what if im in dinal what of in lying to myself and so on, i have constant anxiety and i just want it to stop, i know i love him but why does my head say i dont, i dont know what to do, i have compulsions of reading things on reddit and even talking with CHAT GBT, i heard of ERP but im scared and dont know how to do it, even if i read so much about it, what if everything is real and i actually dont love him, it dosend make sens. Before these thoughts everything was percect, why am i like this.

When I was in college I would exchange inappropriate pictures with dating app matches online. In the year or two since I’ve matured a lot and am ashamed of that behavior. I’ve also developed stronger OCD which causes me to ruminate and make more of past actions than what they might have been. I recently got my dream job, and one of my fears is being cancelled. Another thing that scares me are those past pictures coming back to bite me or make me look bad. I also have started having false memories associated with my ruminations. In this case I’m worried that another person might not have wanted said pictures although I can’t really remember that ever happening. Am I putting too much thought into this? Do other people struggle with these same thoughts? Any advice would be helpful.

i don't know what to do. i had a dream where i think i felt attraction. i remember being anxious the whole time, I remember that i wanted to try to figure it out and i think i discovered that like i was actually attracted. i dont know what to do. i felt conscious enough to determine that. I was also compulsively staring to check for attraction and then it stopped feeling that way at a certain point in the dream i just aelf sabotaged myself and stared at something inappropriate and told myself i was attracted, that felt ocd like. but the girl in the dream i felt like i was actually attracted to her. i cannot tolerate that.

slight tw! my ocd has been the worst it’s ever been for about a week now. and, to me, it all started for no reason. i truly don’t understand where these thoughts came from, or why. last monday my great aunt passed away, the days before that, i got into an argument with my dad and he was really mean, and later that weekend i saw him texting horrible things to my mom about me and her both (i wasn’t supposed to see) then, later that day, i say my ex boyfriend (who lives in another state!!!) at a thrift store. i left very quickly with hopes he didn’t see me but i found out that he saw me and then called my ex best friend to make fun of me. im also sort of homeless in a way (me and mom been staying with friends and family) the house we are trying to buy is in escrow and the fulfillment date was pushed back by a month (to oct 31st), and was recently (yesterday) pushed back again. i also stress over money. i feel like with all of these things going on, im just not affected by them? although i sometimes get anxious over these things, im so used to the family fights, and i wasnt close to my aunt who passed. although i stress about money and also wanting a home to live in again, i just feel like i truly don’t care enough to have such life changing anxiety. i started feeling so nervous out of NOWHERE and my mind was trying to find any reason it could, so of course it went to my gf. now im having rocd (it’s getting slightly better) and my magical thinking ocd is also pretty bad atm. i keep taking almost every song i hear on the radio as a sign (ill never feel love again, im a horrible person, etc) , unless its something good, which i try to acknowledge is ridiculous. is it possible that the things going on in my life made me spiral like this, even though i genuinely, truly and wholeheartedly feel like they didn’t? or could this truly have been brought on for no reason? i just turned 18 + graduated this year idk if that’s relevant. this is what ive been experiencing with the anxiety brought on by my ocd, i haven’t been able to eat at all. once a day at best, and it’s something like cereal or crackers. every morning i wake up early (8 AM) no matter how late i slept, and can’t fall back asleep because of how anxious i feel upon waking up. i almost immediately have to go to the bathroom out of anxiety (tmi sorry) i sometimes throw up and im just overall pretty anxious, it’s sort affecting my relationships and definitely my mental health. i’ve lost 6 pounds this week because of not eating and throwing up. my body feels weak half the time. i’m trying to do what i can to feel better but it’s just hard. also because of the rocd i developed, i feel so anxious and sick, on the verge of throwing up, whenever i talk to my girlfriend on the phone. i’m getting better about not being anxious when she texts me, but it’s still hard. i make myself text her though because i know i wont get over this by avoiding her. yesterday we called for the first time in a few days (long distance relationship, we’ve both been busy) and i was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. i was trying to take deep breaths and not throw up. after a little bit the anxiety went down, along with the need to puke, but was very well still there. i’m trying my best but everything is so hard. does anybody have any advice for any part of this? anything would be appreciated. ):

i am really struggling with cheating ocd atm. i have struggled with it for a very long time. my relationship with my boyfriend isn’t the most stable. he’s done some things in the past that have really hurt me and i’ve not seen much of a effort to make me feel better tbh. i think that’s why my ocd is so high sometimes because of the stress of that. so over the weekend my friend and her family came over for the day and on the day my anxiety was sky high to the point i had knots in my belly and heart racing because her older brother was coming too. i avoid men because of my cheating ocd i don’t like talking to them or even looking their way. so you can imagine how anxious i felt lol. when they walked in, he didn’t walk in straight away and i felt so relieved that he wasn’t there but it was short lived as he walked in after. and when we hugged to say hello (which everyone did) i was focused on not making inappropriate contact and the whole time after i was ruminating on whether i hugged him inappropriately or not. then i had to give him a glass of water and i put it on the table because i didn’t want my hand to touch his and my hand was shaking so much when i did this. and to add, i wore no makeup on the day as i didn’t wanna come across as making an effort and i overthought so much about my outfit too as i didn’t want to seem like i was making an effort to impress. this is what’s bothering me. my mum needed help handing the food out and i didn’t want to hand the plates as i knew there was a chance our hands would touch. but what’s confusing me is that when i handed it to my friends bother, i got these overwhelming thoughts and feelings that i want our hands to touch, and i even feel like i let my hand stay on the plate for longer. in fact im certain i did because of those thoughts and feelings and after i said “you got it” about the plate and idk why it felt like at the time it was flirting maybe because in my mind the thoughts were “this is flirting” and straight away i felt SO much guilt like i had cheated and did something disloyal and i didn’t even eat. i was so anxious prior, why did this happen i feel so sad and i feel so much guilt it’s unreal. i literally don’t ever want to be disloyal, im so careful about what i do because of this. my friend said that it felt real because of my ocd but nothing i did was wrong but it feels so hard to believe that. i haven’t confessed as i don’t feel emotionally safe to at all tbh which i think is bothering me a lot too. my boyfriend has made comments in the past about retaliation and some of the stuff he’s done has really broken my trust even though it hasn’t been direct “cheating”. any advice will be appreciated, please be kind, im not doing well at all. thank you

So I'm at a point where if I don't get through this trauma I've had as a kid, I don't think I'll make much progress for my mental health. Last night was absolutely terrible. I just got stuck in a loop with my negative thoughts and triggers all the way to the past. There's a reason why I keep thinking of the past so much: There's trauma there. Trauma that was mostly out of my control. When it was in my control, I didn't have the knowledge to navigate through it. I'm just trying to push through the week. I don't feel like doing anything and I can't stop thinking about how unfair all of this is for me. I guess that's a start: Knowing that I deserved better than this and that I still do deserve better. My low self esteem, being hard on myself, low confidence, shame, guilt, and negative thoughts. I think it all just comes back to this every single time.

Hello- so my intrusive thoughts came back and i upped my lexapro from 5mg to 20mg. Now for 2 weeks. Still don’t feel great. Anyone know if it takes longer to get back in your system? Or what? Frustrated . Txs

I’m really struggling and have no idea how to handle this. Can someone help? My main theme is POCD and now its everywhere I look but I feel like I can’t trust myself. I worry a lot about how I feel about younger people (not just minors but also people who are newly adults who are too young for me.) I worry about what I think about them and how I treat them, always worried I’m crossing a line. But I also worry not that I’m doing something inappropriate with someone young but that I’m endangering them in some way. I’m worried I’m a danger just by being on the internet, and that I’ll accidentally come across someone young and the only way to 100% prevent it is stay completely away from social media and stuff and if I don’t then I’m a bad person. I went on a trip and tagged the place I was on my Instagram story. Somebody liked the story and it said in their bio they were 19 (I just turned 24) and I freaked out and blocked them and I felt like the worst person allowing that to happen. And what if what I like is more important in my head than protecting children? Like, what if Instagram is so important to me I keep using it even though I’m doing something wrong? I worry about this a lot with other apps. Another way I worry about this is on tumblr. I’m a huge fangirl and used to be a big part of the fanfiction section of tumblr. I stopped using it because of my POCD. For a while, I’d only read things from people stated their age in their bio and were of a certain age, but then I’d start wondering what if they’re lying? And also, I’d have to try to figure out when something was posted so I could do the math and see if they were too young when they wrote it. And I’d only read things where the person was of a certain age *and* had 18+ on their work because if it didn’t, then it seemed like they were appealing to minors and that’s wrong, of course. But then I started thinking “well 18 is still so young, how can they say you can be 18 and read this?” I know it’s standard if something has sexual content or mature content really it’s 18+ but I was so convinced I was contributing to something awful by reading it and I still do think that. Maybe that’s magical thinking? But I have no idea. Sometimes I think “oh, I could read it as an exposure” but it genuinely feels wrong, I don’t know how I could do that. POCD is at every turn, I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong and I genuinely can’t tell if some of it is and I’m freaking out. I have a therapist but I’m not sure she understands. She is knowledgeable about OCD so that’s not the problem, I just worry about my specific symptoms. But I don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t get it or because I’m not explaining it well. It’s really hard for me to get my point across so that may be it. I keep saying I feel like I can’t tell the difference between right or wrong and she keeps saying “I think you can” and that terrifies me because I’m so certain I’ve done things wrong which means my OCD makes me a danger and I’m just really struggling and so scared. Can someone please help?

Hi! I have contamination ocd. Last night I was laying in bed and realized I had put on a pair of shorts that were laying on my floor that were dirty. I think what happened is I was getting dressed one day, and I put these shorts on, then I had a bad feeling I was super scared I accidentally had urinary incontinence like a drop but I also felt like that was just OCD because I was thinking about it, and I checked my shorts and there was like a tiny wet spot, but I had just gotten out of the shower and I think I just let it go as me not drying off my body well enough before getting dressed. I put the shorts in my bathroom to put back on after a shower, and that was a few days ago. Last night, I put the shorts back on not thinking, and fell asleep. Now I'm going through an OCD cycle, and trying to order new bedding so I can throw the ones I slept in away. I really just don't have the money though. I don't want to throw it away but now I'm scared it touched urine, even though I don't really believe it all the way but I definitely am feeling disgusting. Whether it was urine or just water, or I'm just overthinking it and it was a different pair of shorts, should I throw my bedding and order new ones? If it's hypothetically urine, would my bedding be clean after I throw it in the washer? What would a non-ocd person do? It might've not even been that pair of shorts, because I can remember not putting those shorts in my dirty laundry for some reason. But I also remember it being that pair of shorts.. 😂 Idk. I'm very stressed out. I want to order new bedding so bad.