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at 15 I develop pocd and I still don’t know what caused these thoguhts , I’m horrified with myself

Hey guys, TL;DR: My Suicidal OCD is really bad rn after med change, it feels so real and urgent. I’ve been having a tough time lately, so I recognize it’s healthy to be sad and work through this along side it as Suicidal OCD likes to suppress sadness. Any advice or words of encouragement? My recent life: Recently I’ve been having a tough time. In August developed hypersomnia, which is like a constant pressure to sleep during the day. Developing this was quite triggering for my health anxiety, so I got all my vitals and stuff but nothing looked wrong. I decided to switch my meds (Zoloft, which was working decently) because we thought that was maybe causing it. I was going to switch to Prozac because it is more stimulating. The withdrawal process was BRUTAL for me, with brain zaps, dizziness, irritation, and worsening sleepiness. Switching to Prozac, it was clear the hypersomnia was not going away, so I made an appointment with a sleep specialist, but the earliest appointment is in December! The adjustment to Prozac has been VERY hard for me. Feeling really unstable during the process, libido is all over the place, but worst of all the last few days my OCD has been some of the WORST it has ever been. I’m Week 3 on Prozac and I’ve never had ocd this bad. I have Suicidal OCD, and right now it just feels so real, that it’s really gonna happen. I feel so much panic, but I know it is “tricking me” to feel like these thoughts are mine. While I’m managing with these intense things in my life, I’m now also realizing that I can’t suppress my sadness like Suicidal OCD often wants you to do. Things have been frustrating and it is HEALTHY to express sadness towards this. It’s just very difficult “being sad” while also having these dark suicidal thoughts along with them. What are some things that help you out in hard times, and what would you recommend for me? Thanks y’all, we are so strong.

My Dad makes me so uncomfortable to the point of me literally not even wanting to hear him speak. Around February this year i started experiencing intrusive thoughts about POCD and thoughts about him. It was so brutal, i was failing school cause of rumination, and i couldn't even look in his direction for days it was that bad. It got a little better, but now its worse again. He does this thing were he just stares at me. LIke, alot. I catch him staring at me all the time, it came to a point were everytime i do it i calll him weird names. Its basically almost a boundary. Dont fucking stare at me ever second you have. ITs fucking creepy as hell? At first i was scared to bring it up, to both him and my Mom. But im not afraid to express my disgust on how much he looks at me. I feel bad sometimes, but i call him a freak and a weirdo. He knows i hate being called "princess" yet still does it anyway. I get so bad i want to fucking hit something. I slam my doors, punch a wall. It infuriates me and the uncomfortableness in my body is overwhelming. But idk if its OCD. I dont nessacarily get "what ifs" anymore. Its more just reading more into the scenario than i need to. For example, he came into my room about 10 minutes ago, just randomly. He congratulated me for the nice things my teachers were saying about me, and i was really just trying to focus on something and i knew that even if i saw his existence it would trigger me and make me so uncomfortable. I even get intense groinal respones that make me want to literally cry and sob for weeks. I feel disgusting. Ive felt disgusting. But basically he also told me to put a pillow under my lap, cause my computer was on it, and hes some health freak about stuff like that. I say just please leave and he wont leave and just keeps pushing it and staring at me and making jokes like its funny till the point im screaming at him to just leave. I know i sound like a lunatic, but its so overwhelming to just simply be around him. Its so fucking uncomfortable. Then about 10 minutes later, he yells into my room saying "did you put the pillow yet??" and my brain said this as a "hes always thinking about you" and i literally started bursting out in tears and told him to leave me alone. Idk whats wrong with me. IM fucking broken. Im a fucking terrible daughter just cause of these feelings. Hes made it very clear that hes not staring at me in a weird way, as ive asked him before. But these thoughts and these feelings their just to strong to ignore. Their just to much, and idk how to get rid of them. Its like each time i see him i just get triggered, but obviously i cant just ignore my dad for i am only 13 years old. Im so fucking exhausted with this stupif bullshit, i shouldnt have to deal with this. Idk what is wrong and i fear i will never get the answer on if its me or him. Please someone just help me, i just need a little bit of comfort right now is all.

these thoughts are some that i obsess with and i'm trying so hard to overcome this current fixation on those thoughts but when i see videos like this appear on my feed, it makes my existential and magical thinking ocd really hurt. because like, it makes me think this is a sign and that something is wrong. i feel guilty for obsessing over these thoughts because i know i will rightfully regret these thoughts but i don't wanna think about eventually regretting it because that means thinking of the future and i fear the future. and fear time passing fast. i don't want the next 30-40 years to go by like the blink of an eye to to zoom by. i want it to be slow and i don't even wanna think about it. but it's so hard. my mind always thinks. i feel guilty when i don't think about the thoughts because it makes me think i don't care but i feel guilty when i think of the thoughts because they consume me until mg head feels fogged up and irritated. sometimes until it feels like a rubber band is going around my brain/mind itself. ugh

Hi!, tell me if i have OCD or scrupulositt For november 2023 its started my blasphemous thoughts like – Saying cuss word to God -Denying Christ – Feeling that i sell my soul – Doubting God (December 2023) – everything that blasphemous To.ease those stuff -i did searching on google -going church for forgiveness -Praying every night [Today, those thoughts of mine were now gone below from 100 to 64% because it morph to new things and therefore those thoughts that i mentioned above were somewhat active on my mind but they go back] TODAY, the things that i suffered is that that doubtibg whether it was intrusive or not for mind saying – Your stupid God -Your useless -I hate you and i really feels that it was intentional because whenever my thinks any thoughts which is not related to religios or to God, after, my mind or me itself will say bad words to God like i need to think also bad thoughts to God. And also, i felt scared when i think God, feel God, or read how people talk about God because of my anxeity, because of my long battle towards religion. I just want to disregard first God (but I’m scared because of that action or plan that i will me made)

I was reckless when a year (I was 18) into my relationship I would be drinking excessively every weekend, which would lead to messing around with a boy that I used to like a lot when I was 16/17. It broke off because things started to feel serious and he didn’t want it. We were in the same friendship group so I would see him everyone now and again, but no words were ever exchanged. At the time or think I wanted this relationship, because it was new and exciting and I thought about I for a couple years after (I didn’t know I had OCD at the time) obsessively replay situations in my head, trying to figure stuff out. I kept this from my boyfriend for 4 years and the guilt was eating me up, I couldn’t live with him not knowing, so I ended up telling him briefly about what happened. He forgave me and we moved on from it. I absolutely adore this boy with my whole heart, I hate what I did to him, but I’ve completely changed as a person since then, I don’t drink anymore. I’m just love this boy to pieces and I will never forgive myself for what I did. More recently- 2 years ago this boy tried to speak to me at a supermarket and I just blanked him and left. But the last few months This boy has tried to follow me on social media and he joined the same gym as me. As soon as I seen him at the gym I told my boyfriend as I felt like if I didn’t tell him he was there I would be lying, so I told him I would change gyms. My boyfriend reassured me no don’t change gyms. Seeing him every week at the gym definitely triggered me, I had so much anxiety. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. 5 weeks ago - Me and my boyfriend lost our beautiful kitten as she had an incurable heart condition. My whole life revolved around her, everything I did she was always a thought in my head, well she was the only thing I thought about for 8 months. I was absolutely heartbroken when she went. One of my biggest fears is death so being with her when she passed was absolutely horrific, I will always have the image in my head. I was so depressed, I felt like she took a part of me with her. My whole life just stopped. This is when I experienced my first ever OCD Spiral, and it was all about I didn’t want to be with my boyfriend I wanted to be with this other boy. My brain was telling me I had to tell my boyfriend every single detail of what happened in the past, or I had to break up with him. I felt like I had another person in my head shouting at me all day, that I didn’t love my boyfriend I deserve to be with the boy I messed around with because I’m a horrible person. I felt like I was going insane, I contemplated committing suicide because I couldn’t live the constant noise thought and images I was having. My boyfriend has stuck by me through all of this and constant visits to the doctors. He is so amazing and I miss our life before I felt this fucked up. I can’t go a day without thinking about this ex as much as I try it doesn’t go away. Because the thoughts aren’t bring me as much anxiety as before I’ve convinced myself that it’s because I want this relationship with the ex. Im stuck in this loop and none of this would be happening if I didn’t mess up in the first place. I just want my old life back I want to be able to love my boyfriend with no doubts. I want to be able to go back to the gym it was my happy place but he ruined that. I want to be able to shop in the supermarket that I once saw him in, but I can’t because I’m so fearful that it will trigger me and I will spiral even more. I am seeing a therapist who is really helping but I need to talk more than once a week. I’m all alone with my thoughts. If you read all this thank you so much.

does anyone else use the fact that they dont like their thoughts as a confirmation/compulsion, and or when you go through something stressful with little to no compulsions take it as a sign they actually like it? is this apart of usual rumination or am I expirencing something different? and how do you deal with it?

How can I allow the disturbing thoughts of envy without being envious? saying "maybe, maybe not" feels unnatural or like denial, especially with the OVERWHELMING physical sensations (anxiety, shame, racing thoughts) that accompany it. Background: one of my latest spike occured due to envy, when two of my closest friends achieve a deep desire of mine: starting a family. I got disturbed by thoughts like 'I can't stand seeing them happy, followed by "doom" feelings. It feels morally wrong not being happy for them, I want to be happy for them but I think deep inside it's this grieving process to "lose" yet another best friend. And here I am, 35 and childless and biologically, running out of time (but that's a different topic..) ---- One thing I would like to say to Dr. McGrath, I appreciate the time his dedicating to make OCD education accessible. He truly makes a difference 🍀 greetings from Switzerland! Fleur

I’m wondering if this has happened to anyone else… I’m 28 years old. I was diagnosed with OCD when I was very young and it took a while, but I overcame it. I haven’t had any compulsions in 20 years. I’ve had some horrible things happen in the past, but nothing brought back my OCD. The only thing I struggle with is overthinking and making decisions. Im about to take a sabbatical from my work for a year to travel because the last year of my life has been by far the happiest and most confident iv ever been. I went to see a therapist a couple weeks ago who was an OCD specialist, I just wanted some tips and tricks for decision-making while I’m on my trip. She warned me that my OCD might get worse before it gets better, but I thought that she just meant with decision-making and overthinking. They have this program set out that I didn’t really wanna do but she told me it works really well so I decided to try it. It’s two sessions a week and the first two sessions were sort of just talking about my old OCD and doing questionnaires. I really related to some of the questionnaire questions, and the therapist was actively telling me that I definitely had OCD the whole time which made me feel bad. After our second session, my OCD came back full swing like when I was a child. I cant stop thinking about doing compulsions every waking second. It’s been two weeks. I’ve been to her several times and nothing is helping, I’m resisting the urge to do compulsions as much as I can and I feel like I’m fighting for my life. Nothing is helping and I’m burning out. I wake up and cry everyday because of how uncomfortable and out of control I feel. I never thought this would happen and im so mad at myself for ruining my trip. I feel like I’ve ruined my life tbh and even if I do get better, I’m always gonna be bothered by the constant fear that even at the highest and most happy points in my life it could just come back at any second with no warning signs.. I thought I knew how to deal with it and had the tools, but nothing is working this time and its ruining my life. Today I asked about cancelling my trip altogether, and I might be going on medical leave. Has this happened to anybody and do you have any tips for me?

Okay so my house was affected by the hurricane Mrs Helene so the people just came to fix the roof days later the men came without knocking or anything he just came and tried to fix the roof which he didn’t even fix. So we have a dog his name is lucky he lives back there so lucky started to bark at the man and he ran from luck. We didn’t even know the dude was back there so now he wants to knock and tell us to get luck which was incredibly stupid what if lucky bit him or killed him and he would’ve had to get put down because of someone stupid actions. So while dealing with ocd I have incredible anger issues that I’m trying to get help with. My sister works from home so she couldn’t watch lucky I had to I’m 17 and lucky is a big dog so I was trying to watch him as I was making my forge but he gets so excited by everything because he doesn’t really stay in the house but when he gets excited he runs he jumps and he likes to sniff doing all that his fur gets everywhere. So as I’m trying to eat and make my coffee he keeps trying to pee so I go to him and pushes his leg down Real fast because he’s literally peeing on the trash can he did this like two times and I feel like I abused him I was getting really frustrated too and I was trying to be stern with him and tell him to sit but he just wouldn’t listen unless I put my hand on his back and literally push him down while telling him to sit and he would only listen for a second so while trying to make my coffee still he keeps trying to sniff everything and he keeps getting his fur on stuff

So for basically half my life, ever since I was a teenager I've struggled with sex addiction and it has effected me in many different ways. I'm convinced that I have trauma that goes back to my teenage years due to being exposed to pornography with basically no knowledge of anything on the topic of sex. This also lead me to inappropriate activities with people online relating to sex and I have a lot of anxiety and guilt about this. It also desensitized my immature brain to seeking very inappropriate, disturbing content that I didn't think much of at the time and it bothers me that I was put through that when I didn't know better. Nowadays, this is all still a problem for me. There have been times where I have some reckless things just to get a high from pleasure. A year ago this happened, and now ever since I've been worrying about my health since. I've been worried for so long that I have some kind of infection, an STI, or that I've damage my body because of this addiction. I haven't told anyone about this because I'm too embarrassed too and I'm just worried about how my family will react to it. They know nothing about this part of my life at all. I've always worried about them finding out and not being able to handle the embarrassment and shame of it all. I've only told my therapist pieces of all of this, but I haven't opened up about wanting to get checked out for any kind of infections I've given myself because I was just so addicted to finding ways to get that high. Oddly enough, being reminding of the acting out just makes me want to go back to chasing the high all over again just to escape so I don't have to worry about it, but that only makes me feel worse. I don't know what to do.

Why has all my other OCD subtypes gone away but this one (SOOCD) stays around 24/7!? Does that mean that’s who I actually am?

Around a year and a half ago I got into my relationship with my amazing person. I grew up in a family where mental health never mattered. My partner has brought up that I have more issues than I knew were even real. I struggle a lot with feeling like I loose my mind, an event happens where I feel triggered and I can’t find it in myself to control my thoughts and eventually I lash out. I have really bad intrusive thoughts that sometimes what’s said in my head scares me and I can’t tell what is actually coming from me or what is the intrusiveness. I just need help for myself and my relationship, I tend to self sabotage and believe everything bad happens to me bc it is my fault. I am very quick to spiral when things happen. I tend to victimize myself and have breakdowns wondering why things happened to me all the way from early elementary school. I would appreciate some advice!

I hate that 2 words can make me spiral downhill. A simple “What if I don’t like girls anymore” or “What if I’m not always interested in looking at revealing photos of Women.” It’s so silly. I’m the type of guy who loves providing and protecting a woman and I don’t do hook ups. As much as I find women in revealing clothing attractive, I find myself constantly daydreaming (non sexually) if I see a beautiful woman that I want to pursue. I love being in love with a woman. It makes me feel really happy and it just feels like OCD is taking that away from me. The more I overthink and ruminate on What If thoughts, the more it feels like I’m turning gay, even though I know that’s not how sexuality works. I want to be with a woman romantically and I want to marry a woman. If I catch myself scrolling too fast on a girl in cleavage, I’ll think I’m gay 🤦🏻‍♂️ or if I stare at a guys face in a video for a certain amount of seconds instead of the woman , I’ll think “oh no I’m turning.” Like I feel I’m the only one who has these ridiculous ocd thoughts

I told a girl to go fuck her dad (he's in jail) because she has hit me over the head with a shoe, told my friends I made up lies about them (I didn't), poured water on me, brought a vape to school and tried to force me to use it, wrote me a death threat letter (which I sadly lost), called me autistic (I'm not), said my parents are related (they're not), made fun of my cousin, said I'm a weirdo and started a big fight at lunch and when I apologised she still shouted at me and made up rumours. She told me she was going to report me to the school for texting her to go fuck with her dad, but I think she deserved it. Our school will take stuff like this very seriously though and I don't want my parents finding out. What should I do?

I’m having a bad episode right now and I’m feeling so depressed and I’m crying like a baby because I’m thinking that if my mom knew the reasons I’m like this she would hate me and what would I ever do without my mom. I’m feeling so alone. I just need my mom but I know I can’t open up to her. Like even if I’m this horrible person my mom would despise me too? I can’t handle that someone please help.

Sometimes im really scared of myself. I get these urges to hurt myself and theyre so intense and i cant Stop Them. For example, when im shaving, then i get the urge to Cut myself and I feel so anxious cause im Just so scared of doing it. Or when im cooking or straightning my Hair, i wanna burn myself. I Know that Sounds confusing but sometimes when i wanna Hurt myself then i already kinda feel the pain without even doing it. And i Know all of this has something to do with my ocd because i dont actually wanna Hurt myself.

I'll be watching videos on Instagram and TikTok and then there's one that pops up that relates to my fears of struggles - fear of losing people (being vague because even typing about it is hard) - and it triggers me because i fear that it will cause something to happen. And like, anytime I tell people about these fears, they're just like "focus on present, you can't stop that from happening" and it's like - i know i can't bro 😭 and i don't wanna accept it but i feel guilty for not wanting to accept it because idk, it just makes me feel ashamed and like i'm taking advantage of moments . like i know i can't stop it and i do wanna focus on present moment but it's so hard to when my brain is fixated on these certain triggers that make me obsess over the future, the passing of time, and those fears so i will find mtself fixated on future dates and numbers, counting down, etc.. and i just hate it because I don't wanna be that way. I just wanna be chill and to not focus on this stuff this much. To make the passing of time feel somewhat decent and to stop focusing g on certain things that hurt me

OCD is so tiring. I’ve been dating this guy for about 3 months. I reallyyyyy like him. However, it’s also been so exhausting because I’m constantly questioning the relationship, and him. “Is this who God want a for me?” “Is there someone better?” “Do I even like him?” “If someone is good for you, you will be at peace” “Is this OCD or discernment” “follow your gut” I’m just constantly looking for answers! I can’t just be present. I know my upbringing may be apart of this. Im Christian, but my walk with Christ is not perfect. Ive fallen short to temptation and I feel like because of that the relationship won’t work or God is punishing me. Im constantly praying or thinking about what God thinks of me. Probably a compulsion. Which hurts as well because I used to be able to pray freely…if that makes sense. However, this has happened before. I leave someone then I start obsessing over something else. My sexuality or my health or if I have OCD or not. This relationship is still essentially new but this is the first relationship I’ve been open about my mental health struggles. And, I didn’t feel judged. But, my mind is saying if we breakup. I will be happy. I also get triggered by Instagram posts about relationships. It’s apart of my algorithm at this point, but I feel like any post I see is a sign?? It’s just so annoying. Sorry I’m all over the place, but that’s how it feels in my mind. I just need to get these thoughts out. I just want to be content with whatever happens.

Consider this for a moment. We often think we see with our eyes, but in reality, our eyes merely transmit signals to the brain, which then creates the images we perceive. The same process applies to hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling—our brain constructs our perception of reality. This brain also understands your values and the true essence of who you are. In OCD, I believe there's a malfunction in the mechanism that recycles memories. Its primary role is to clear out old memory spaces for reuse. If it encounters a memory linked to something important to you, it brings it to your attention to see if you'll react. If you do, it retains the memory; if not, it's discarded as irrelevant. For someone with OCD, ignoring these thoughts is challenging. They often dwell on them, signaling the brain to keep them and attempt to resolve whether they're significant by creating false scenarios or memories. This process occurs while the person experiences intense emotional reactions because these thoughts clash with their values, leading to feelings of rejection and distress. The awareness that they might be responsible for these unwanted thoughts exacerbates the situation, resulting in a cycle of agony. After many cycles, the person becomes exhausted from anxiety and emotional turmoil. However, the brain is genuinely trying to help by clearing memory space and resolving ethical or moral dilemmas. The key is understanding that your true self remains intact. You are defined by your negative emotions toward these intrusive memories, not the memories themselves. Hang in there; trust me, things will get better. Apologies for the lengthy post—I wanted to explain it thoroughly, and I might share this response with others who could benefit from it.