Looking for words of encouragement, no reassurance

@djflorio Thank you so much for this, I was considering before I posted to incorporate meditation, and this comment sealed the deal.

@snurps Glad I could help. If you want any tips or to just chat through anything just let me know!

@djflorio My theme right now to ! And so scary to be sad cause now I have a fear of depression and just typing it out makes me wanna cry ! I hear stories of this stuff and I’m like in my head “that’s not gonna be me that’s not gonna be me that’s not gonna be me “ over and over again ! I haven’t been diagnosed with ocd but I know these thoughts are intrusive ! My last therapist tried to 51/50 me because I told her what was going on but that I didn’t wanna die then my other one told me no I don’t think you have ocd because people that have ocd tend to do things so other people don’t die . I’m like ok cool so now I’m thinking what I have is “SI” but other people on this platform have the same unwanted thoughts as me so because I’m not diagnosed it makes me so confused and sad 😔

@Walters15! I know how it feels! I had no idea how to talk to anyone about what I was going through. I would take a step back and not worry so much about a diagnosis, or whether or not you have OCD. You're getting intrusive thoughts about suicide and it's causing you distress. That's all that matters. You don't have to fit the OCD diagnosis for this to happen. Intrusive thoughts are not at all unique to OCD. An OCD diagnosis is more about the frequency of the thought/compulsion loop and the amount it affects your life. Kind of like how GAD (general anxiety disorder) is diagnosed based on the frequency and intensity of general anxiety. Regardless, the approach is the same. It's about embracing uncertainty. I hope this perspective is helpful.

@djflorio What if the thoughts come every day from eye opening to eyes closing , like what if I am , what if I’m depressed and want to eventually though I don’t , back in may I was so scared with what was going on in my head I couldn’t eat couldn’t do anything my stomach was on edge felt nauseous just wanted to sleep the thoughts away now that I know (or have found people that go through the same) I don’t have the upset stomach but I do get the dropping feeling in my stomach and have anxiety and def come on here to look for people that have the same thoughts or same theme as it makes my anxiety lessen but then a few hours or days later back to anxiety about it and try to look for reassurance on this platform or any other .

@Walters15! - Based on what you're describing here I would say there's a good chance you would fit the OCD diagnosis. But I'm not a doctor and I don't know your full story, so take that with a grain of salt. I understand that having some sort of diagnosis can be helpful in situations like this. I remember when I had really bad suicidal obsessions, finding out about OCD (and how similar it sounded to my experience) was actually very validating. Still, I'd like to stress that it honestly doesn't matter that much what your diagnosis is or isn't in this case. The reason I say that is because the doubt will always be there, so long as you're trying to pursue a diagnosis for the sake of "proving" that the thoughts are wrong. You've seen it yourself, how you feel a little better when you relate to posts on here only for the spiral to continue a few hours later. The point is that this pursuit of proving the thoughts wrong is what is keeping the cycle going. One thing to remember is that no thought can ever "make" you do something. I don't care how often it pops up in your head. Thoughts don't force us to do anything, nor are they indications of our true desires or future actions. That's something you come to understand as you get familiar with mindfulness.

@djflorio What about the fear of depression ? Or “feeling” like you’re depressed and then the thoughts bombard you ?

@Walters15! - Same thing, really. At the end of the day you're fearing for your safety, and you're hyper alert for any signs of danger. You're afraid of feeling depressed because you're associating depression with death/suicide. It's a matter of learning to not get caught up in the thoughts, no matter how persistent they are, and pay attention to the physical feelings and your emotions instead. If you learn to stay present when you feel depressed, rather than rejecting the thoughts or the emotion, you will see that you are simply experiencing depression (or sadness, or whatever). Nothing more, nothing less. There is no need for stories about the past or future.

@djflorio I feel like if it weren’t for me being hyper fixated on this theme or these thoughts I wouldn’t be feeling sad or scared of depression . I’ve never dealt with this before ever in my life

@Brett V We are in this together Brett, I know things will get better

@Emmienem You got this! It got much better. But Prozac still isn’t making me feel good, so I’m going to switch in a couple weeks!

@snurps Thank you so much! I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and we decided I’m stopping Viibryd and going back on Luvox, but trying abilify as an extra boost. Still feeling really crummy, but I know it will get better.

@Emmienem No way I’m switching to Luvox right now too! Prozac just makes me sad and super unstable. We are in this together! How did it work for you? Was drowsiness an issue?