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the NOCD Community

I really need to talk to someone right now, I just need clarity on a situation badly.

Hi! I’m really shy with posting on apps like this, but I don’t really know what else to do haha I just need a place to get my thoughts out, I have no one around me with ocd who can relate to my experiences, and oftentimes those around me overlook my experiences or invalidate my thoughts and feelings, so I’ve kind of learned to shut up but there’s only so much that I can keep to myself without going completely insane. It’s really exhausting to exist when all my brain bombards me with is intrusive thoughts and images of me offing myself in various ways (though usually with a gun). Does anyone else go through this? Or something similar? Every time I’ve talked about this with anyone around me they’ve said it was normal for people to have intrusive thoughts, but is imagining killing myself 24/7 really all that normal? Because I find it rather distressing 😭 In recent weeks my “normal” intrusive thoughts have escalated into a desire and will to actually carry out my thoughts, and it’s caused me to become a miserable zombie who’s constantly scared that I’ll finally cross the line and just do it. I’ve always told myself I’d never be able to kill myself because I’m too chicken, but lately it’s been more real than ever. Not only do I dream about killing myself constantly but now I’m obsessed with monitoring my thoughts and making sure I don’t get too close to actually doing it. I’ve become obsessed with trying to prevent myself from myself and it’s the most humiliating sensation. My biggest fear is myself, it’s hard to not feel ridiculous. It’s also frustrating because what else can I really do for myself? I take meds, I meditate, I go to therapy every week, I have great friends, family, and a partner, I have two jobs and a wonderful cat.. Like genuinely what else is there to do to help myself? My therapist always asks me this and I never know how to respond because I already feel like I’m doing damn near everything to keep myself afloat and nothing is working. There’s an extreme amount of guilt that comes with these thoughts too. I’m someone that everyone else leans on for support, if I were to suddenly take myself out of the equation I feel like that’d make me the most selfish person. The way my thoughts have drained me and taken control of my life makes me feel guilty too. I can’t socialize like I used to, I can’t make eye contact and I sleep constantly. I’m always on the verge of tears or a breakdown, leaving me extra sensitive when I don’t want to be. My worsening mental health is taking a toll on everyone around me as well, and it only adds to the thought cycle of ‘if I killed myself it’d be better for everyone else’ because at least I wouldn’t be burdening them with my sour moods and lack of motivation. I’ve never been one to self harm, and have always thought those who did only did it for attention. It’s something I’m ashamed to admit, because I know that’s not the case; it’s just hard for me to get past my experiences with the attention seeking self harmers that I grew up with. I’m turning 21 soon and this is the first time I’ve genuinely craved the feeling of blatant and intentional self harm, not the normal skin-picking and nail-biting that I’ve done for years. It’s frustrating because my new desire to self harm makes me feel like an attention seeker. I can tell myself that I’m not, but it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like one. I’ve always been vocal about mental health and self confidence but my struggle with suicidal ideation and self harm has never been something that I could tell someone about. Posting anonymously is my last ditch effort at getting my thoughts out before I explode, and I hope that this post doesn’t trigger or inconvenience any of you beautiful people. If you’ve read this far I really appreciate you and I thank you for giving me your time. 🫶

I am a 22 year old female and have never gotten into a relationship due to the fact that I have OCD and how ugly it can get at times. I also feel like I would be a burden and be too much to handle especially in modern dating when people want to have fun and dont want to deal with anything that's exhausting not saying it's wrong but that's how it is. I have these two mindsets of 'I'll have someone who will accept me someday' Or 'I'll just be on my own cause that's what's good for me'.I don't think anyone will look at me and think they want to settle down with me or stuff. I feel like i will be too much to handle. Even if someone likes me, they will never actually love me enough to spend their life with me. Maybe if I were more pretty maybe people might put up with me idk really. This just saddens me to the core. I don't know how to deal with this. Is there any hope for me P.S my ocd is manageable most of the time but when it flares up it gets ugly and i go non-functional

Yall. Does your ocd make you become so scared of depression, that your imagination tricks you into thinking you’re depressed?! Cause I know I’m not depressed ( I think) I love my life my family sports and I’m constantly just wanting to be busy. But sometimes my imagination tricks me into thinking I’m feeling depressed. I also think I’m an empath, and lots of my friends are real deal depressed. So my mind is questioning itself, even though there is no reason to. I look forward to the future, have fun with my family, yet I feel like the trying to feel depressed to prepare yourself to feel depressed is almost a constant. Also usually these trying to feeling depressed episodes flare up when we are doing fun things. Like eating out or spending time together. The only time that I don’t fall into a mind trick is when I’m playing sports. My mind sometimes can be clear a whole day and suddenly we do something all together that’s nice and the fear of depression fear of myself flares up! Anyone else relate?

I’ve got ocd (lol obs) and I’ve always had it, and I’ve tried to tell my mom so many times. I’m 17, and for years I’ve had so many horrific (what I call) flare ups. And it sometimes feels like a bingo game w the amount of types I’ve had. Sometimes I really do just wish I could go to my mom and say “mom I’ve got ocd and it’s really bad atm and I just wanna be okay again because I know it’s ocd but I’m sick of it being there can I please please get some help please it’s not okay please get me some help.” The ironic part is she’s a frigging nurse. And she must just be in some kinda denial. I’m just kinda waiting for this part to pass, I’ve made it 17 years w nobody to help me. I’ve only just told my friends what it’s like but I said things that weren’t currently in my flare up. I swear I’m on the verge of being sectioned for psychosis at this point. But I have made it this far- it will go away at some point on its own. But why won’t my mom help me. Why’s she so defensive- (I know why just like “why oh why won’t she. Yk?) but she’s so blinded by no no it’s all okay everything is okay. I’m sat in my room thinking the only way I could make her see- mom I rly am not okay is if I k*//ed myself. Like, then she’ll be like “…ohhh so she wasn’t okaaay” 💀🥹 if any one person could read this, and just type that it’s okay or something not as obs and generic as “it’s okay” but like just something to show someone’s listened. Thanks. I’ll ignore my trust issues, it’s an ocd app we’re all out here struggling but thanks x🤍🤌

I was thinking about some stuff I struggle with and I really struggle with people who emotionally blackmail me. It's something I'm seeking therapy for because I attract them more than an average person would. I believe OCD is the great emotional blackmailer. We feel we have to give into demands and compulsions to appease it's threats. My questions: How would you deal with an emotional blackmailer in real life? How would that differ from dealing with OCD?

My recent intrusive thoughts have been triggering bad panic attacks. Do you guys also get panic attacks or anxiety from your intrusive thoughts? 😣

I dont know is this is sign of me being a lesbian or what but I feel like i can’t talk with my girl friends about guys. When i was young i used to, it was fun, talking about those things and talking about sex when we were pre-teens. But now I’m 20 and i feel like that im just not that boy crazy as other girls and i feel like im just left out of the conversation. When im alone and i do feel normal and my ocd is not spiraling i notice guys and i do have fantasies. I just feel a bit broken when i talk about guys with my girl friends. But i dont think im a lesbian. Sometimes i just know I’m not. But i’ve read many stories like “I realized I was a lesbian when all my girl friends were talking about guys and i couldnt relate”. 😔😔 Maybe this is all because of HOCD because i have it since 14.

I guess I'm seeking reassurance, but please tell me these horrible images are just the OCD and doesn't mean who I am

Hi all! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and possibly share your thoughts... I have had OCD for 50 years. Mostly magical thinking and scrupulosity. It has gotten better at times and at others, like now, it is unbearable. I'm supposed to take a very fun trip in January. I was very excited to plan. But when we were talking about flying, I started to have extremely scary thoughts and feelings in the pit of my stomach. Everything seems like an omen that I shouldn't go. Everything is planned and purchased. My husband would not understand me not wanting to fly. I have flown before, which makes this feeling I have seem so ominous. I can't shake it and everything that I do, I think is a sign even if it doesn't connect. What can I do? Has anyone felt this? I feel desperate...why would I feel like this? I hate my brain. I want this to just be OCD and not an evil sign of doom...I'm so, so sad and scared. I will take any advice from you friends... I'm so sorry if you have anything like this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy...

Does anyone feel like their intrusive thoughts have given them PTSD? Im 5 months post partum. The intrusive thoughts started at 4ish months. I had harm thoughts about my baby and I swear sometimes they haunt me. The level of anxiety I felt during this time haunts me. Sometimes I feel like it just takes over my brain and I’m stuck thinking about it. How can I be a good mom if I was capable of having those thoughts? It sends me into a full body panic. I feel so overwhelmed by everything right now. 😫 I was doing so good for about a month and now I’m severely anxious again.

i’ve reduced the amount of times i wash my hands per day but i still find that i wash for a while. i’ve have up’s and downs. it can range from 3 minutes to as long as 20 minutes, it just depends on how dirty i feel the task was or if i get stuck in a loop. how would a person without these tendencies wash their hands under 2 minutes? also is it not necessary to wash under the nails every handwash? any help would be appreciated on how to stop with the counting.

Hey guys, so I’ve been having a really hard time lately. I struggled with harm OCD for about two weeks and it was really extreme to the point where I had to call my doctors and get appointments to get on medication and start therapy now just as I started therapy and I started medication but the harm OCD has calmed down. makes me wonder if I really need the medication and OCD therapy so then that causes anxiety. I also was told by my therapist that I have depression because I don’t have any desire to go out or do anything that I usually like to do right now. I’m on my way to go hang out with some friends that we’ve had plans for. I’ve been dreading it all day. I’ve been anxious about it and I am hitting a point where I’m so anxious about it. I am physically not feeling great does anyone else go through this? I’ve never been anxious about hanging out with my friends before or leaving my house before, but it came out of nowhere. Is this common?

I am super scared that this might not an ocd I was so confident that this was just T-ocd but after remembering some real events, i no longer know who i am 💔 i am super scared I do not want to change my life , i loved my life as a girl ( even if i am a true trans )

Hey guys. I’ve come to realise that a big barrier to accepting uncertainty about my orientation is being obsessed with “having a label”. That I MUST have a label. That, if I don’t, it means I’m in denial about something, or, I’m running away from the “truth” or whatever. I realise that I feel way less pressure when applying the “not labelling” technique, and just experiencing anything. It seems that my obsession with labels feels the same as when I was obsessed with the number on the scale (with anorexia). And that, if I didn’t know, it meant I was in denial of my weight, or that, it is required to know. Now that I have been in recovery for anorexia, and have practically recovered, I just don’t care what weight I am. As long as I am happy. Yes I prefer to be “slim” but that doesn’t mean that I HAVE to know if my weight is in a specific category. And also, that weight doesn’t define self worth, or happiness, or your entire health. When I was obsessed with the number on the scale, I felt as though everyone else was like that too, making me feel double required to know and be a certain weight, and ALWAYS be that way. Now, as I don’t care myself, and don’t know what I weigh, and that I just go off how I feel, I realise that literally know one cares themself. Or not to some unhealthy extent. And now I feel content in who I am, without having a number, aswell as zero pressure to fit into a box, because literally, know one cares. It’s just unnecessary, made up hassle that I believed was necessary. So I think that’s what’s going on with the label thing with orientation. Yes, it can be useful to quickly sum up your preferences, but, for us with hocd/so-ocd, it will only be used as a “certainty” that we must have. A requirement, an unhealthy tag. It doesn’t matter what I identify as now, I will just obsess anyway. Gay, bi, straight, asexual, etc. I will just use it as a box. A requirement that apparently “everyone else cares about and “knows more about than me””. The truth is, no one is walking around caring what “box” they fit into, they just experience their friggin atttactions, whatever they are. Our friends, our parents, our siblings, celebrities, whoever. Maybe some of us with hocd/soocd don’t care about labels, but for me, it’s a huge barrier and a huge “MUST”, and by getting rid of the must and just forgetting labels “whether that means I’m in denial or not” is far healthier, more useful, and causes no pressure to “be sure” and “know” and to “fit into a box”. I mean, think about why we were so “sure of ourselves” before hocd/soocd, we didn’t really CARE about the label anyway. We just experienced our attractions and, if “needed” use the best word to describe them. It wasn’t a daily, MUST. So, relieving that pressure, will help us to experience our normal selves again. And it feels good to me. It feels better than reading up on all different labels. Even if they may resonate in some way (possibly). I just obsess. And it’s unhealthy. Labels should be used healthily. And I am in no position to be looking at labels, like others with this disorder. Just like when I had anorexia, I was constantly weighing myself for over a year, and did I stop caring? No. I only stopped caring once I actually stopped caring and forgot about the number. It makes you live so much better. As I do now. My relationship with weight is literally perfect. No fear, no care, no urgency. I feel happy in regards to food, weight and size. Because I let go. Now, the anorexia treatment obviously was with a professional, and I haven’t got ocd treatment. But if I can stay as true to the post as I can, maybe that will relive a lot of issues, and maybe some of yours. Thank you for reading!! Hopefully this helps!! X

Hey guys. Me and my boyfriend broke up about a month ago. He told me not to contact him and that he wouldn’t contact me. I saw glimpses of him talking to a past lover on social media.. but who knows they could be friends.. idk. Still i realized i messed up with him, things ended badly and i wanted to start things back up. I went to target and someone asked for my number on the same day i realized this. Same field as i am entering, similar interests. I gave it to him.. but i later felt guilty. If my intention is to reach out to my ex.. how could i give this man my number? Is that not disrespectful… Well after some effort (a day or two after the target guy gave me his number) me and my ex started talking again. I waited until i had a break in classes because i knew it would be emotionally intense for me, and we decided it was for the best that we part ways.And during this time while we were getting that closure/ i was figuring things out i texted the dude from target and told him im freshly out of a relationship and there’s still alot of feelings still there so that id really just be looking for friends and he was ok with that, but a part of me always thought could it be possible to move on with him if my ex didnt want me back? I still wasnt sure if i wanted anything romantic with target guy or not.. I feel like i had him on the back burner and that i wasn’t being respectful to my ex by giving another guy my number even if we are broken up because my intention was still to get back with him. Now I’m being eaten up with guilt and am trying to figure out if I’m being too hard on myself or if i wasn’t being respectful.

If sitting with discomfort is the solution, why am I not comfortable with my house that I've been sitting in with discomfort for these past 3 or 4 years? I'm trying to trust the process, but I trust and wait and wait some more. It feels like a contractor that tells you a task will take 6 weeks, but 6 months later he's still there.

Make you feel like you actually do? I’ve always checked my feelings to try and find my “real” ones and now…when I check, my brain runs away with the thought and makes me feel like I’d actually enjoy hurting my dog. Please help.

I think someone i live with washed poopy pants in the washing machine. I found some small brown bits in the machine. And the day before there was shit in our toilet seat. What should I do. I don’t wanna wash my clothes there now. How would a person without OCD handle this.

Help please. I'm scared I love god so much that my mind is playing tricks on me making me think I'm the other way and I'm scared what if it's true what if I'm a bad person. I'm really scared I don't feel like I'm having a strong enough reaction to these thoughts what if there my thoughts. I'm scared