Make you feel like you actually do? I’ve always checked my feelings to try and find my “real” ones and now…when I check, my brain runs away with the thought and makes me feel like I’d actually enjoy hurting my dog. Please help.
You can’t rely on your feelings. It’s tough to sit with the uncertainty of maybe you do want to hurt your dog, but that’s what you need to do. You need to practice sitting with the uncertainty that maybe you do want to hurt your dog instead of running away. That doesn’t mean you’re going to hurt it but regardless that’s a way of practicing ERP with those thoughts.
@Anonymous My therapist has told me the same thing, but I think my problem is that in my head it feels like there’s a certainty that I would do these things. And that’s what I’m fighting against. Is that still one of OCD’s tricks?
Have you watched any of Chrissie Hodges YouTube- they’re very helpful and her most recent one is about emotions in ocd which you may find helpful as she addresses the checking of emotions and that it isn’t only anxiety that drives the ocd cycle. I’ve found that checking and testing my emotions rarely gives me the answer I want and instead drives me into a kind of hell of doubt. I try to remember feelings are not fact, an absence of a feeling is also not a fact. Also feelings are not predictors of the future.
@Shi47 I haven’t but I will! Thank you. I will check that out immediately. I find that’s kind of what I’m talking about here, too. I feel like I did it so much that now it actually feels like I would do something, not the answer I want. The “hell of doubt” is a great way to put it. I’m trying to remember that too, but it’s hard. Feelings feel real.
@Ellasmama They really do. Harm ocd is a new (and particularly horrendous) theme for me and one thing that’s helped me somewhat is remembering that in my previous themes or worries it felt so true as well (and it wasn’t). It feels real because ocd wants your attention.
Fear is from OCD and that sounds like when you check your feelings you are giving the intrusive thoughts a value they do not deserve. They are intrusive because they go against your values and wishes so letting them pass and going on with what you we’re doing and not checking your real feelings would teach your brain that those intrusive thoughts are just not worth your time or too much attention.
@ivrec I’ve tried not to, but I always relied on that automatic feeling of “omg no!” With that gone, it just feels like I would or I want to. Even though it’s something I’ve never had any desire to do. I’m not sure if I can ever get past this. I don’t know how to stop checking/battling against the thoughts a little because that feels like it’s the only thing stopping me from doing them. It’s like my brain wants to. I am so scared for her safety. I wish I could just let it go and give them no power, but….anything else I feel towards her feels fake and this feels real.
@Ellasmama Plus, if I see anything (and literally anything can be a trigger at this point) it starts to feel like I would do that to her. Literally every horrible thing. And it’s an urgent, like, “you’re doing this” kind of feeling. I don’t even feel like it’s ocd at this point.
Hi all. Kinda freaking out here. It’s the girl with the dog here again. It’s 5:30 in the morning here and I am legit in a freak out. This is going to be long so please bear with me. My intrusive thoughts about my dog have gotten so bad even with ERP, I can barely function. I am constantly seeing in my mind her being chopped into pieces. Over and over again. And it’s like I suddenly become aware of different body parts that I’m seeing in this images, so if I am around her, I become aware that she has them, and it makes me feel like I’m so freaked out I’ll do something to her because I’m freaked out by them. It’s usually her neck, or her internal parts, etc. I get near her, get reminded, and all these images start coming and it feels like I’m being pulled/will do these things. All day every day. Not to mention the fact, that I consciously think of the thoughts and sometimes still feel like I’d do them. It feels like I’m actually considering doing these horrific things. And I have different feelings that go with them - physical sensations, urges, etc. It puts her in every horrible violent situation and makes me feel like I’d actually do these things to her (i.e - see her being pulled apart - I get a weird feeling in my chest with these thoughts that feels like I’d actually kind of black out and do them or be okay with it; almost like a sense of dropping calm thought my body?!). I ate meat today and it made me think of someone doing that to her - and made me feel like I would - and would be okay with it. Sometimes I get these waves of this feeling that it would be no big deal or I wouldn’t care. Frankly, I’m freaking out. I feel like I will actually end up acting on these thoughts. The longer this goes on the more I feel like that. I also feel like I don’t care about her anymore and that scares the living shit out of me because then I feel like I don’t value her and that it wouldn’t bother me to act on them. I have loved this dog for 8 freaking years. What the hell is wrong with me?!!! I feel like my thoughts about her are SO much more violent and the rest of it is just so off - I then start scouring the internet for stories of people with harm ocd, and instead found a story of a guy who went into psychosis and killed his pet. Which of course makes me feel like with everything I’m seeing and already feeling…let’s just say it didn’t help. Am I a lost cause??! Is my dog unsafe with me? I feel like she is. I don’t sleep anymore because of these thoughts so I’m literally up all night watching tv because I’m so scared and convinced that I will do these things. I don’t understand what happened.
Hi all. I posted on here last night but please bear with me as this is going to be long. I really need some advice. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never had any history of severe mental health issues or violent tendencies. Minor harm ocd through out the years, and anxiety, but nothing severe. I’ve had my pup for many years at this point and never had any desire to harm her in any way - in fact, I’ve spent many nights crying into her fur at the thought that someday she won’t be with me anymore and valuing/cherishing her like my child. Then two months ago I got hit with a sore throat and triggered by a tv show on the same day. My minor harm OCD turned into severe violent images, thoughts, feelings, you name it - against my pup. When it started it was usually knives, and it always came with a feeling of “omg I would never do that!” anxiety and compulsions to make sure, etc. I started therapy, got psych evaluations, everything, all to be told it was in fact OCD. Then, it kept going and going and going - through ERP, through RP messages; nothing helped, and it came down to where we are now. I have constant, severely violent feelings and thoughts. Stuff I don’t even like to mention. I know they say don’t focus on the content, but…when the content is you cutting up your best friend or eating her, or any of the other horrific things my mind tells me to do…it’s hard not to. Constant, 24/7 “urges” or feelings staying with me that I would or want to do these things I find gross and had no desire to do. But now it makes me question that because it feels like something in me wants to. I’ll have a thought, get an “urge”, or hear a word or get triggered, and I get this sort of adrenaline drop/crushing/frozen feeling through my head and chest. It feels kind of like fear, but also at the same time like my brain is trying to fantasize about these things. Like it likes them. And I’m numb to her for the most part - I look at her and I get these weird things that she’s just body parts. That’s what I see. And why I’m getting so scared. I never cared that she had that and now it feels like I would just do something to her because of it. Whenever I’m around her, it feels like this strange aversion to her, like I can’t get close to her without seeing her insides. I get images of basically her guts. Or her heart, etc. It’s like I’m freaked out that she’s a living creature. And at the same time, the harm thoughts are so brutal that they make me cry, but I still feel like I’d do them. It also gives me weird sensations when I think about losing her like I’d want to? It’s like opposite feelings to everything I’ve ever wanted. I have no hope left that this will ever leave or I’ll get better or be able to keep my dog. The harm thoughts are SO much more violent than anything I’ve ever seen anyone describe. Is there any hope for me? Should I just give my pup to someone else? Is this typical harm ocd or am I a dangerous psycho?
I’ve been sharing on here a lot. My therapist is out this week. But in the last few days, it feels…like I want to do the thoughts. Like I had the realization that I could just do them. And want to?!! Like…I don’t understand. I wanted my dog here and alive and now I guess…I don’t anymore? Like it feels like I’ve become everything it’s told me. The non stop thoughts and urges and images and feelings…have won. I’ll be fighting it, but like…get this sudden impulse feeling of like “why are you holding yourself back?” and like..I check to see if I still love her and want her and it feels like I don’t. Or like I do but I want to do the thoughts more. Or I’m with her and my feelings are like “just do it you could just do it.” I feel like I’m just holding myself back and it’s getting too tempting. I don’t understand. I’m going to give my pup away and just…I don’t even know. There’s no way out. I can never go back to normal with her.
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