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the NOCD Community

No one would ever understand how it is to be me. I’m in an endless loop. My mind finds new ways to bully me. I’m exhausted and all I can do is cry cry cry. This isn’t the way to live

Because...well, hell no lol. Maybe that opinion will change in the coming months. I'm doing therapy that's mostly DBT but my therapist is integrating ACT and probably ERP at some point. Right now my main problem is depression, but recovery from depression is inhibited by OCD and core beliefs. What's odd to me is that I don't really get intrusive thoughts, instead I have extremely rigid beliefs and perspectives that I view as facts, and I give a ton of credence to my thoughts and emotions as a whole, as well as a lot of things related to identity, which was spurred on by BPD's (borderline personality disorder) lack of a stable identity. All this is totally messed up lol. I've been in some type of therapy for a nearly-consistent 14 years and every day I feel an immense amount of shame for that. Anyway that's the spark notes version of my being here. I'm not asking someone to tell me to do ERP, but I'm just wondering if anybody has felt the same, and did that change? Naturally with time or did you have to force yourself or? Or perhaps you couldn't finish it? I just want to hear others' struggles because whenever I'm affronted with the fact I have OCD and the ONLY treatment besides medication seems to be ERP I am struck down by hopelessness and dread.

I really don't know what else to do. I had this at 16 and, even though it never really passed, it eased up, they were annoying thoughts, but I could push them out of my head. Now, after I started dating, everything came back stronger, thoughts like 'you don't love your boyfriend', 'you're a lesbian', 'you have to accept yourself', 'you're only with him to hide' and things like that. Before, my relationship was perfect, we had relations and I was always satisfied and happy, until HOCD got me. It was horrible, I started having panic attacks, I wouldn't eat, and I felt misunderstood. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone and, with the stronger thoughts, the compulsions started coming. Like constantly researching 'how to know if I'm a lesbian', 'how to know if I love my boyfriend', tests to know my sexuality, and that reassured me, but it was fleeting. More and more, I sunk into compulsions. I spend hours researching, watching videos, my head spends hours going back to my past looking for proof that I'm a lesbian even though I've never been interested in a girl, only boys. Now, to make things worse, I feel numb, I don't feel like kissing or having sex with my boyfriend anymore. I feel like garbage. Every time I confess my thoughts to him, he tries to help and reassure me, but I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm afraid of being a lesbian and having to break up with my boyfriend, afraid of deceiving him. I'm exhausted, I only think about this from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep. And now, I don't seem to be sure of anything. I read some things about compHet and was initially relieved because I didn't have any of that, but now my head doubts that I don't have anything. It makes me think I'm hiding memories because I'm in denial and don't want to accept that I'm a lesbian and don't have OCD. Please, please, help me. Is this HOCD? If so, please, does anyone have any tips?

18+ So I was doing my laundry and I accidentally opened a dryer where someone’s stuff was in there and their clothes spilled out and I panicked and tried to shut the door back. But then of course someone’s underwear falls on the ground. And the dryer stopped and everything. I couldn’t just leave their underwear there. So I grabbed my laundry bag with the holes so I didn’t touch it directly and picked it up and put it back and I restarted the dryer. But now I keep having intrusive thoughts about the underwear and it keeps giving me a groinal responses. I know it wasn’t as bad because the underwear was washed but I feel like a weirdo. I feel like a weirdo and that I cheated on my girlfriend. I just kept getting groinals while dealing with this and “pleasurable sensations”.

Hey guys, wondering if anyone who has ever taken Luvox for OCD experienced absolute exhaustion in the first couple of weeks?? I am so tired, sleeping upwards of 10 hours a night. I’ve been taking it in the morning… maybe that’s the issue?

So much has happened this morning but this one has still been bothering me since yesterday and I’m really terrified by the thought or “memory” and I could really use some help- I’ve been having a really random false memory about me and my last ex it’s been almost 3 years now since we broke up (I just turned 17. I’m almost 19 now-) I haven’t really been wanting to date anyone because of my mental state so- The “memory” I keep having is when we decided to do intimate things together. We were long distance so yeah-phones-I don’t how it led to this happening but my brain to telling me I must’ve some how forced them to do things or made them feel obligated to do so. Because I remember it was me who began that sort of thing-I really really remember me asking “can I?” And I remember them giving me consent to continue then the next day we talked about our feelings and how we trusted each other to continue to do these things together but my brain is really latching onto this memory because I can’t remember how we got to that point that night and I feel dirty. I remember the tension and whatever- but Whenever we’d do those things together it was always with permission, we texted about it and we talked about it frequently. I already have issues pertaining to these things and this is making it worse since my thoughts are trying to convince me I’m some sort of assaulter. (I’ve realized that I’m asexual/on the aro spectrum) what do I do to combat these thoughts? I loved my ex and even though we don’t talk anymore I still care for them and hope they’re doing well I would never forgive myself if I did something to mentally scar them. (Side note: my ex never did anything to me or anything like that. This isn’t related as to why we broke up we were with each other for 3 yrs)

Anyone else ever get scared that their gonna start liking their thoughts!??

does anyone else have times where their OCD disappears? Like I've been dealing with a new OCD theme and it was so distressing dealing with those thoughts for weeks on end and i couldn't talk to my therapist at the time. I told my therapist about it yesterday and now there's no more thoughts? and i feel like i lied about having these thoughts and now when i do my exposures it's like i'm checking for the thoughts to pop up and they're not. I don't know if it's because I've been kind of avoiding people that trigger the theme or what. I feel like a liar.

Hi everyone! My main theme in religious OCD is doubting God & Jesus! It hurts me heart I love them but I’m trying to remember His love and grace! Recently I’ve been having major blasphemous intrusive thoughts! I’ve had them before throughout my OCD journey but this time it’s kinda hard to let go and they’re coming so hard! They scare me! They can be very mean and just disgusting. Cursing, denying and just thoughts I hate! I ask for forgiveness and don’t always “feel” forgiven! I love Jesus & God! These thoughts hurt so much! Sometimes they make me feel like I want them or I’m saying them on purpose! I feel like I subconsciously “check” & ruminating on them. I know this is a normal and common OCD theme but it’s like sometimes I feel like I doubt my OCD! Especially whenever I have blasphemous intrusive thoughts! Like my brain just thinks “nope it’s you not OCD”. Like it doesn’t feel like OCD but Ik OCD can make it feel “very real”. It makes me feel like God is mad at me or upset! Or He doesn’t love me as much or just can’t be “forgiven” which I know is a lie and not true! I love God so much! Ik OCD attacks on hat we love it’s just my mind will doubt I have it! Please any tips to overcome these thoughts! I feel a lot of shame, guilt, fear, anxiety and sadness for having these thoughts! I know people say “they’re just thoughts” and not bad but they feel like that. Any advice?! Has anyone else gone through this?

I was diagnosed with OCD about a month ago and have only done 2 full sessions of ERP. This new OCD diagnosis is confusing to me and it is impacting my sleep like no other feeling like I cannot turn off my brain from my repetitive thoughts. I feel like all of my thoughts are OCD related thoughts right now and I am having a hard time disconnecting myself from them. I truly want to feel better, but having a hard time figuring out how to move forward with my life with this new diagnosis. Any tips for a newbie looking for some hope?

I’ve been much better for months. Deleted this app even. One thing I started to become insecure about is the fact that I don’t have a very girly voice. Then I noticed lesbians have deeper voices. I finally let go of that obsession. But then on Instagram I was suggested a reel about lesbians having an “accent” and I wonder if I have that (???) I didn’t watch it but now I can’t stop wondering and I’m conscious about my voice. Then, I was on IG again and IDK WHY but I was suggested a reel “pov: your friend who doesn’t know she’s queer” - I didn’t watch that either but thought, “what if that’s me? What if I just don’t know?” I’m spiraling so bad for the first time in MONTHS and feel so defeated.

I (M21) truly don't know if im denial or have SO-OCD and am in denial or what. Over a couple years ago I struggled with hocd really bad. It started with just a random thought that led later on to what I think were false attractions or crushes? I would instantly seemingly compulsively stare at most dudes butts. I never felt aroused by this to my knowledge. Overtime though I got basically so tired of worrying that I was just like "Even if these are genuine attractions I have no desire to pursue them and I don't ever have fantasies about them so it will just be a thing that exists for me. Then for the last couple of years thats were I was at and felt like I was straight and just accepted the uncertainty. Within the last few months though it is either returning seemingly or I am actually bisexual and just very heterosexual leaning. Or both Im not sure. The reason I say this is because around 3 months ago I was just writing something down for my college class and a guy walked past me brown jeans and my eyes just got fixated on his ass the more I tried to look away the more I kept looking back repeatedly. I don't think I felt any arousal just a lot of anxiety. Eventually I got on with the day and was pondering it for a while I was like "this must mean something right?" I then looked back at my old HOCD posts and felt the experience of staring was similar. After a few hours I guess I just forgot about it and then went on with my life. Around a month or 2 ago I was going to the gym and I saw a guy exercising and kept looking at his muscles and was fixated like the other event I mentioned. I remember I felt some kind of feeling, I did not feel aroused or that I wanted to touch him or anything of that sort. I just remeber having a feeling. I don't fully remeber everything after that but I think I was just like "Maybe it was something maybe not idk" Recently a couple weeks ago we were sitting in class and I hear some guy talking and was like "wow his voice sounds deep" then after that I had some sort of panic in my head and kept wondering "I am attracted to him" "Did I like it?" again I felt no arousal or desire for him. I saw him again today and honestly felt nothing I just thought his deep voice sounded cool. Over the last couple of weeks I had been thinking through all this and was like "no, this has to mean something right?" I started watching hocd videos and am I bisexual in denial videos and my brain kept being like "Its different this time, its probably real" Ever since then I have been in an almost constant state of intense anxiety I keep wondering if im actually bisexual. Part of me feels like I am and already have admitted it but just don't like the label. Which I admit is probably true. I liked being straight it felt right for me. I have tried to watch gay porn multiple times to see if men can arouse me but I feel nothing. A lot of the time I really don't wanna watch it and just give up on trying. If I watch straight porn with a woman moaning I will get hard very quickly even if I don't think she is that attractive. At this point if I am bisexual I just want to know and not be in denial. The idea of being in denial or secretly having gay feelings and repressing them terrifies me I tried to fantasize about men and got to a point where it felt like a compulsive urge but did not arouse me. These compulsive urges involved me trying to fantasize about a guys crotch or ass seeing as that is where I had that feeling before but still nothing. Tonight I tried looking up guys asses in jeans to see if I feel anything but I felt pretty much nothing, except for one guy who was shirtless with his ass in jeans. I felt that wierd feeling again but did not feel arousal or excitement even though I legimately tried to. Is this wierd feeling repressed desire or something? It's driving me crazy I don't know what that feeling is. now I am worrying if I also had some sort of attraction to someone several years ago. I remember watching a YouTuber and I thought he looked attractive and then starting checking obsessively then just forgot ? For reference I am honestly a lot less sexual overall than I used to be. Before this whole event I abstained from porn completely. I am attracted to women but it feels more selective. Iv'e never seen a woman on the street and been like "I wanna kiss or have sex with her". But when talking to women on dating apps it would always get me excited and aroused and I have liked to listen to asmr about girls both erotic and not for a long time. Before all this questioning part of me was wondering if I was asexual because my eyes would look around at women but I didnt feel like I was attracted or anything. I found some women more attractive than others but that was about it. TLDR: Am I bisexual in denial or repressing my feelings or whats going on here?

I just learned I had OCD this year so it’s been a whole new can of worms for me to open and before I realized I had it I thought what I was dealing with was just “anxiety”. I thought slowly not being able to enjoy the idea of roadtrips with friends anymore because of imagining numerous scenarios where we either get into a gruesome fiery wreck or something irreparable going wrong with my car and leaving us stranded was just run of the mill anxiety. l also thought not being able to sleep on the window side of my bed because it’s super windy outside and i’m afraid it’s gonna blow my window off the frame and smash on my head in my sleep was just anxiety. long story short there are numerous other scenarios just like those that kept me up at night most days that I thought they were just normal bouts with anxiety. so naturally thinking it was anxiety I developed a system to cope with these thoughts and sort of coach myself out of them as if it was just like regular anxiety. I would quite literally talk myself down in my own head while i’m having distressing thoughts. it would always provide temporary relief but it would never fully stop it from happening. after I found out I had OCD, I didn’t think anything of it and continued to talk myself down from these thoughts. I did this to combat the OCD for months, but then I started thinking to myself… why is it that I realize i’ve dealt with these OCD thoughts since the moment I had conscious thought… yet it’s never been ~this~ bad. and I would ask myself, “why are you such a wreck now? what’s making you in a constant state of crisis all the time? why isn’t the self talk working?” and that’s when it hit me… coaching myself to not have these thoughts was literally a compulsion. and it became one of my most go to ones without even realizing it. the moment i’d have a distressing thought throughout any given day… waves and waves of encouraging words would scatter my brain like a flock of birds flying around me chirping as loud as possible till i drive myself insane. and then last night I just so happened to be scrolling a reddit post about having a song stuck in your head with OCD where someone commented something along the lines of “I know it may seem easier said then done, but try not to give energy to the thoughts. the less energy you give it your brain will get bored and move onto something else”. It hit me in that moment, all this energy i’ve been putting into talking myself down in my own head to fight these thoughts was literally like me dumping a gallon of lighter fluid on a fire to try and get it to stop. since I had that realization the world has seemed much quieter to me. I feel more inside my body, and I feel so much more secure with myself than I have in honestly the last 2 years easy. I’m not naive enough to think this is even remotely close to the end of me fighting these thoughts, it’s just simply a crucial weapon to have the upper hand way more often than I have in the past. it just reminds me of as a kid when i’d get disgusting intrusive thoughts about food i didn’t like at school, or have an existential crisis mid class, I wouldn’t ever really stop and think about “why” I was having these thoughts I’d just be like “that sucked” and move on. Figuring out the “why” in adulthood was crucial to me figuring out why I am the way I am, but the awareness sent my OCD into such an overdrive at first that took me a minute to get a hold of. *phew* I’m back. I hope this helps others too

sometimes when i hold a pet esp when its a baby or its something small I have intrusive images in my head to kill it or squeeze it break its bones. i am so scared that one day it might happens but i remind myself they are just thoughts and i know my body wouldn’t let me actually care it out. When i was little i remember seeing a worm and starring at it so intensely and just ripping it in half. A teacher saw me and told me to not play in the dirt anymore. I hate these thoughts i was holding a small baby kitten and i loved him! He was amazing and so adorable but he was so small i felt his ribcage so small so fragile and i wanted to squeeze it. Sometimes i think im really a serial killer deep down and if i dont get it under control im doomed to be like ted bundy or like dahmer

My ocd keeps telling me to Google CP to make sure there is nothing scary and check there is also nothing scary and illegal on Google Images, I don’t want to see any CP I just what to make sure Google is safe and there is nothing to be afraid of on there it’s driving me crazy I don’t know what to do anymore help

My contamination ocd has been awful lately. My hands are completely raw from washing, I'm out of hand sanitizer so I have to wash them all the time. I'm constantly rewashing clothes and changing my clothes because they feel dirty so I can't wear them anymore, and it's so stressful because I don't know what to do about it anymore. I go through an entire bottle of soap in less than a week, and some people are getting really mad about it. My hands hurt and I'm stressed out and I have no idea what to do.

With my ZOCD or just my regular ocd I feel like I’m content like I still see these thoughts and don’t want to do them ever and the thought of doing the act makes me not want to live with myself if I ever did it but my brain is making me think it’s normal to just have the thought and like just move on? Like I think I’m so used to the horrible thoughts that they don’t scare me as much? But I am scared but I don’t think the thoughts are as compulsive? Again I would never act on any of my ocd compulsions, I would rather die but also I’m so used to seeing and feeling the horrible thoughts that I’m just used to it? And I’m scared this means that I’m ok with doing these horrible things and that is what is scaring me I don’t wanna do these bad things I’m scared my brain is making me confused? Please don’t judge me 🥺🙏 the ZOCD started in December I have never ever had ZOCD before and my life was normal now it’s hard for me to go back to how I used to be. But I think maybe I’m getting out of the ocd?

It’s frustrating not knowing how to properly express my emotions through words . I wish I was able to fully convey exactly what I feel inside. There’s another thing I’m awful at , how shocking . Everyday feels the same , I don’t feel a single ounce of joy anymore. I wake up with the same gut wrenching pain I felt the previous night before I went to sleep . There’s nothing new to that , I’m not sure how it’s even possible for the emptiness to eat me up alive . I feel completely numb now , no matter how hard I try to find something to look forward to , there just isn’t . I don’t have excitement about anything anymore . I just feel like I’m drowning and I’m not even trying to bother to come up for air. It’s almost as if I’m totally okay with drowning , because it seems more painful and exhausting to try and fight my way up to the surface. I’m not sure if the word I’m looking for right now is suicidal ? But …. Yeah I got nothing . Who would have known this is where I would end up . I’m 20 years old and I don’t even see myself living to be 25 . It makes me physically sick to my stomach to even think there’s a possibility of me going through this agony for another 5 years. Living is just nauseating and excruciating . During my teen years , I thought that despite everything I went through … I was surprised and relieved that I didn’t sustain any damage that was done to me . I thought to myself “ wow all of this made me into a stronger person “ . What a fool I was to think that everything I went through wouldn’t affect me. I thought I was off the hook , that I was going to be okay . I sound ridiculous for even saying that I was hopeful . Hopeful that I was going to be okay . I’ve heard “ it gets better “ but when is that? Because I’ve been suffering for 14 years now and it only seems to get worse every year. My OCD is draining the life out of me . My BPD took away my joyful spark , and my bipolar disorder just made me feel confused. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m just broken , because I’m tired of being hopeful when there’s nothing to be hopeful for. I can’t keep waiting for the “ better “ .

I have Postpartum OCD and was wondering if other moms out there have experienced this as well? I’ve wound up with harm/SI/etc. and just want to connect with moms that experienced the symptoms of OCD come on with their child’s birth?

I can’t stop oversharing I have to talk about my mental problems over and over again because I have ocd and cptsd and I need to make sure that the things I feel are normal and that I’m not a bad person. I never know if my anger is justified or not because whenever I showed any negative emotion besides sadness I was ridiculed and shamed. If someone does something that bothers me I need to ask all my friends (like ten different people) and make sure that how I feel is normal and okay. Is this something anyone else does? Like I have been suicidal but haven’t really told anyone until today and then I told all my friends because I told them that I was almost institutionalized today because I felt like I was being over dramatic and needed them to validate me. I thought I needed to kill my self since my ocd convinced me I had NPD and was manipulating everyone around me. And then I felt bad for being suicidal about it but I felt like I needed to them what I was feeling so they would reassure me that I’m not a bad person or being over dramatic for what I did. because I called the campus police on myself but then I needed to talk about it to process it because I can sometimes suppress things quickly and then never work through them