No one understands

I’m struggling so much, I don’t know what’s changed. I was doing so well for a solid two months and now it’s been over a month of just my lowest point. My bf has gotten upset at how much I do compulsions and it’s taxing him too. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be my partner right now. I feel exhausted I’m tired of my OCD finding new things to obsess or worry over. I’m so TIRED of getting stuck on technicalities. I’m so exhausted with the constant intrusive thoughts and intrusive thinking. I’m so sick of how compulsive I get when I’m so riddled with anxiety. I don’t want to keep pushing. It feels pointless if my life is going to be a constant loop of ups and extreme lows. I feel like such a disgusting, embarrassing person. I don’t want love because I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t want patience or understanding because it makes me feel so guilty. Like no one is understanding how bad of person I could truly be. I’m so lost and tired of this

I have this strong yearning to tell my mother all my thoughts and what I go through on a daily basis but then I get scared of what she'll think of me or that she'll worry even more and feel like it's her fault. I just want someone to understand what im going through but whenever I even begin to explain my thoughts to my therapist, she doesn't really get it and today it feels like no one ever will. like I try to make my therapist understand and bless her heart, she's super compassionate and understands how much pain it causes me but beyond that, it still feels like im not able to fully convey it. I'm sure this is something many people can relate to, but still. I feel alone.

I’m definitely having an episode right now. A few times I’ve thought about coming onto this app and writing something but then I spiral further and further and I forget about anything except what’s triggering me. Then I think about this app again and intend to write a post… but again I’m spiraling too hard to focus on anything else. But I finally ended up here because I got an email from NOCD. I opened it and read about someone who ‘overcame their OCD.’ It made me spiral harder, because I genuinely don’t understand how someone can control this. How do I stop? How do I silence my brain? I was told to sit with my thoughts and not try to divert them, but if I do that I have an extreme episode so bad that I feel disconnected from myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and it felt like my eyes were seeing someone standing in front of me and not my reflection. It scares me to think that I will be experiencing these episodes forever. I literally just put my phone down twice because I thought my cat was choking to death because he had a hairball (he’s fine) I just feel like I can’t see a way out of this. It’s not curable, and I don’t understand how someone can ‘conquer’ something that feels so out of control Obviously it’s possible, but unfortunately that reassurance doesn’t always break through the most awful thoughts Sometimes there’s nothing that can make me calm down, I just have to ride it out I hope there’s never a day where it’s so out of control that I can’t keep it in at work, and I ruin my own life by having a severe panic attack while I’m there and being fired. If I had the type of episodes at work that I have consistently at home, I would be so humiliated. It scares me. I’m trying so hard to be normal like everyone else. I just want to be happy. I just want to live.