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I'm tired of life

I’m having a hard time tonight. I’m 24 and I was just talking to a friend about a tiktoker and I mentioned that I thought she was pretty hot. They said they don’t think she is attractive because she looks like a teenager. I never thought about that before and now I’m freaking out because maybe she is a teen, and even if she isn’t, I’m grossed out by the fact that I could think that if she is perceived to be so young. I can’t find her age anywhere and it’s worrying me. I know I probably shouldn’t be looking for it, but I feel like such a huge creep and I feel like I need to know. I’m just feeling a lot of distress and I could use some advice/encouragement/kind words from someone who’s dealt with something similar. I feel like I HAVE to find out her age to make sure she isn’t a minor. But I’m afraid she is. And even if she isn’t, my friend thinks she looks like one so I’m gross regardless. Idk why I never had any second thoughts about this til now. Fuck :(

Hi I haven’t slept in a week because I’m so afraid of my thoughts and not being able to control them or work through them by ruminating. I’ve slept a few hours here and there but I wake up with this really scary fear response/adrenaline rush because i feel like I know I was thinking something really disturbing in my sleep but I wasn’t conscious enough to remember it and the adrenaline is so intense that I feel like if I can’t remember what the dreams were I don’t know what I will do. Sometimes I run to the shower and turn on the water and just rock back and forth on the floor because I’m so afraid of my thoughts. I have such a hard time letting myself relax enough to fall asleep because I can feel myself losing control over my thoughts in my half asleep state and it feels like I’m tripping or something. Does anyone else feel like this? How do you get yourself to fall asleep? Any advice? Thank you

hello, my ocd turns me into an extreme perfectionist. i can’t take criticism well and noticed it gives me so much anxiety when anticipating it. i’m trying to learn a new language (swedish) and i even have a pen pal who’s willing to help me. i could tell in his text to me in swedish that he is providing some sort of criticism tho i’ve been so afraid to translate it cuz i get so scared that i’m being judged or thought of as stupid when really i know he’s just trying to help me. tips for dealing with this? i hate feeling like people think i’m ‘stupid’ i know it’s rooted in past experiences of bullying and social rejection etc etc

Trigger warning to those who are susceptible to the power of suggestion: I won’t get into the nitty gritty of what my OCD currently consists of, but I can speak vaguely. Imagine constant torment in the most personalized manner. Imagine trying to juggle all these things that feel like are in your control, but not. An analogy for this is like being a manager and trying to micromanage employees that can’t do their job. You’re in control, but you’re not. Imagine all this, and then a moment of serenity comes at an opportune time that you weren’t even looking for to begin with. That urge to give in is so strong, stronger than any drug. And as soon as you give in, the behavior you were trying to overcome becomes reinforced and you take two steps back. Okay, where does that leave us. Maybe faith would work? Problem is, I’m very skeptical about God. Okay, well, you don’t need to be religious to pray. You just need to believe in something and placebo will kick in. What if my prayers work? What if they’re answered? Then it feels like I’m manifesting my thoughts into existence, exactly what I’m afraid of what my intrusive thoughts will do. I’m just so. tired. It feels like there’s no winning.

I have had pretty bad ROCD these past two years, and I recently went to a couple friends for advice (which my partner was okay with). A guy friend (WHO CLAIMS TO KNOW OF AND UNDERSTANDS OCD??) immediately began asking me if my fears of my partner cheating came from real concerns or not, and he kept asking. He kept saying that it could be intuition.😭 He then also told me it’s okay for people in relationships to have crushes on other people, which both my partner and I heavily disagree with. Like, finding someone attractive is one thing, but a crush???? 😭😭😭 He then continued to tell me ALL people have crushes while in a relationship, including him and his former gf. My OCD went wild, and while some of his advice helped, these points he made were DEVASTATING. Worst part, he claims to know and understand OCD (part of why I went to him for some tips)!!!!!!! So why the hell did he say these awfully triggering things!? Tbh, part of me wonders if he doesn’t believe I have OCD and so he wasn’t handling his advice with as much caution….

I’m going to rant while trying to be as concise as possible. I stopped taking my lexapro a few months ago because I truly felt like I had the coping mechanisms I needed, and I was tired of the vertigo I’d get if I forgot to take my meds for even a day. I got thru withdrawal symptoms and was doing SO well for over a month. Then I was triggered by an event relating to my past- I had a 10 year friendship end terribly in 2022. My OCD was telling me it all all my fault and that I was projecting all of my insecurities on the friendship- I know objectively that both of us were hurt, and both played a role in the friendship. I let the OCD win and compulsively apologized to my ex best friend, taking ALL of the blame for the friendship. I also said i wanted to reconcile, which is not true. She hurt me so bad, and I’ve never had as much peace as I have without her in my life. I only said that in a moment of not seeing the situation for what is truly was. She, however, was fine with me taking all the blame and said I clearly had “more clarity.” This has sent me into a spiral for the past MONTH where all I can think about is this. I feel like I’ve been sucked right back into the past. I’m also graduating in a month and I’m super busy with work right now. Everything has completely piled up and I’m so fucking exhausted. If anyone has compulsively taken all the blame in a situation where both parties are at fault, I’d love to hear your stories to know I’m not alone in this :( I scheduled a psychiatry appointment to get back on meds (not lexapro- I want to try something else because lexapro made me feel so numb). It just feels like no matter what coping mechanisms I do, nothing helps. I’ve tried just letting the thoughts sit without engaging; they persist. I exercise every single day, but all I can think about is this situation. I have regret for A. Reaching out in the first place, B. Taking all of the blame and C. Disrupting her peace by letting a compulsion drive me to reach out. I know that I hurt her as well and I’m disappointed that I let this reopen wounds for both of us. While it would be ideal for us to end on good terms, it’s not possible, and it was impulsive of me to reach out thinking that would be achievable. In her reply she stated that reconciliation was not possible. Throughout my friendship with her I felt as though my feelings were never validated. If I was upset, it was my fault for “misunderstanding her.” If I didn’t communicate being upset, it was my fault for not communicating. Now, I’m upset with myself that I gave power to her after having finally been free from that friendship and all of the pain that it caused me.

I got up early at 6am to go to a gym class that was at 7am. It was my first time going and I really enjoyed it. However, since then my mind has been spiralling. I've been having horrible intrusive thoughts and feelings, and I've been feeling more sensitive to my triggers. I don't know what's going on, is it due to lack of sleep or maybe having a new experience like going to the gym class??

Things have been so good lately, haven’t had a worry about anything and have been able to go through my day ignoring all the bad thoughts towards anything that would come in my head, but out of the blue. Aster being here at my boyfriends all day it wanted to do something. I have to go home tonight and to be so honest I really don’t want to. At all. But as I’m sitting here while he’s playing his game my brain is saying “you’re losing feelings for him” when in reality, our one year is in 2 weeks. I’ve been staying at his house frequently the past few weeks. If I was really losing feelings would I want to be with him all the time. No, i need this shit to stop cause it’s gonna ruin something so good.

Hi everyone, I have a situation in my life that’s causing a lot of stress. Without getting into specifics, I’ll just say there is no way for me to remove myself from the situation. I’m finding that my thought patterns revolve around this situation throughout my whole day no matter what I’m doing - just obsessive thought cycles non-stop. If there anything any of you have found helpful to do when you get this obsessive rumination about a particular issue? Thank you.

I've tried accepting being BI. But even THATS not good enough for my ocd. Its telling me that I don't actually love my bf, the one I've been with for almost 4 years now... I feel so numb today, I don't want to ever lose him. I want our romantic spark we have, not for him to just be platonic or whatever. Somehow it convinces me that I'd be better off with a woman :(

Today I got a new intrusvie thought from the same themes and I feel really sad and devasted because it feels really scary and like I'm worried that I agree with the intrusive thought or that it is revealing something about me ...the intrusive thought feels more intense like why would I have such a thought? and I feel to tired to react but I have a heaviness and worry for my mental health. I feel ill/disgust and tired but too tired to fully react. I almost feel like the more intrusive thoughts I get the weaker I get because of the distress and mental/emotional pressure and stress. I don't know how to describe it but it feels very heavy and I almost feel like I will never recover from this intrusive thought.... I also get moments when I think what if I'm making this up and I do not struggle with OCD

I'm jealous that other people can find a therapist and get better and I cant

I sometimes worry my situation is too uncommon to be OCD and can’t find many people to relate too with similar situations. Anyone else?

Anyone else experience this? I recently got a pair of really nice and really expensive headphones, I’m a major audiophile and passionate about music. The headphones are well built but I find that I keep inspecting them to see if there are any minor imperfections, I keep putting light pressure on different parts of the headphone to see what they can withstand, then when I do this I start to worry that I damaged them, despite no evidence of damage. Even when I’m away from them I fear that they’re just sitting there broken. It’s mildly annoying because something like that shouldn’t occupy my mind so much. I don’t want them to be broken and I like using them. Then I worry about using them because I fear even if I just touch them I’ll do something to break them. There’s nothing to indicate that something is wrong but I’m constantly worried that every time I use them the more I’m damaging them.

My brain is so messed up that I m having panic attacks at the doctor office just get nervous for no reason even when they call my name during the test I had to take couple deep breath my life su*ck why I can’t just be normal getting nervous and anxious for a doctor appointment only me my stupid brain I don’t think I can overcome this :(

I’ve been super sick all the last 5 days and my so-ocd is so overwhelming and intense. Anyone else experience way worse obsessions when they’re sick? Googling about so-ocd to make sure my symptoms still match (of course they will I’ve been dealing with this for 6+ months)/going on Reddit to read people’s similar stories are huge compulsions of mine. I know I shouldn’t be doing it but I feel so anxious and overwhelmed when I do nothing. Needed some encouragement & wanted to see if anyone relates to feeling way worse when they’re sick? Hope everyone is having an ok week!

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. Since we were 17. We study at the same university in the same specialty. We think that we started dating on October 30, 2019, on that day I asked him to help me with my studies, and it happened that we got drunk and kissed. And so we consider that day as the beginning of our relationship, because after that we did not part and were always together. A week later we had sex. A week later, on November 12, 2019, my ex-boyfriend wrote to me that he was in town and asked if I wanted to meet him. We broke up a long time ago, but we talked and sometimes even kissed. I told my boyfriend that I was going out with a friend because I was afraid to say that he was my ex. We went out, walked, drank beer, talked while sitting on a bench, and he leaned in to kiss me. I leaned back and we kissed. The kiss was not long, a few seconds. kiss wasn't with passion or something. and at that moment I thought I was doing something wrong, because I seem to have a relationship with my boyfriend, and I stopped. After that, we talked some more, he went home, and I went back to the hostel for students(my boyfriend and I lived in the same hostel). I came to my boyfriend, and did not tell about the kiss, because at that moment I did not feel guilty at all. I don't know, maybe I wasn't sure about relationships, because I've never had a serious relationship before, only some flings, and that's why I thought that my current boyfriend would be the same. And really this kiss mean nothing to me. We continued to relationship with my boyfriend, everything was fine. Then I remembered this incident and felt guilty. 6-7 months after we started dating, I told him about it, I told him in the summer of 2020 when we met, because we hadn't seen each other for 4 months due to the coronavirus and quarantine. I cried a lot and asked for forgiveness, said that this kiss mean nothing. My boyfriend calmed me down and forgave me, we didn't even have an argument, we just continued dating as if nothing had happened. Everything was fine, but after 3 years, in August 2022, I remembered this incident and began to blame myself very much. I considered myself a cheater, unworthy of my boyfriend. I just hated myself. My boyfriend didn't understand, because he didn't think about it at all and didn't understand why I was so worried about it. But the anxiety didn't leave me, later I started having false memories and my OCD. I was thinking "what if there was more than a kiss? what if I forgot something? what if I kissed someone else and my brain erased it from my memory?" and billions of such thoughts. I couldn't eat or sleep, I constantly read about betrayals, I read other people's stories, but I didn't get any better. I went to a psychiatrist and he prescribed me a course of antidepressants, which I took for 9 months, but it didn't help. Later, I started remembering all the bad things I did in the relationship. I remembered the case when my boyfriend, with whom I had sex (he is not the one with whom I kissed at the beginning of the relationship) (I have only two sexual partners - this guy, let's call him M and my current boyfriend). And this M texted me in the first month of my relationship with my boyfriend, and started mentioning our sex. I don't remember exactly what I wrote back, because I deleted messages a long time ago. But I definitely remember that he mentioned our sex, said how cool it was. I probably also wrote something in this spirit, but only so as not to offend him. I don't know why I didn't send him "f\*ck you", probably because I was 17 years old and I didn't know how to defend my own borders. I started to blame myself for it. Later I remembered that I was sitting on Tinder with my friend and we were having fun. My boyfriend knew about it, I told him and did not hide anything. I didn't texted with anyone, we just have fun and trolling people. But I remember I had the thought "what if my boyfriend is not the love of my life and I find love here". I am also very ashamed of this opinion now. I never hid anything from my boyfriend and told him everything honestly, but now I am ashamed of my stupid actions. Later, I started blaming myself for the fact that I had many boyfriends in the past, and my boyfriend only had one girlfriend, and he still didn't have sex with her. And I had sex before we started date with my bf and I felt very ashamed because of it, I considered myself a wh*re and unworthy of him. I am infinitely ashamed of all the bad deeds and thoughts I had about my boyfriend. I love him infinitely, and I want to spend my whole life with him. But my past stupid actions haunt me and I feel extremely guilty about them. Because of all these thoughts, I went to a psychologist and a psychiatrist for a very long time, I was diagnosed with OCD, because I was constantly worried that I had cheated, that I had done something bad in the relationship, I was constantly looking for some kind of betrayal, I looked in the Google timeline where I was every day, did I definitely not cheat anywhere. It seemed to me that I could not trust myself. I considered myself the worst girl in the world. I constantly confessed to my boyfriend for my every thought and every action, I had to be crystal clear in front of him. My boyfriend asked me to stop it, he said that he doesn't care what I thought and what I did, he knows that I love him and he loves me. And I really never hid anything from him, not a single thought or action. But I am ashamed of it now. I also had a period when I doubted whether I loved my boyfriend. I also told him about it, because I was afraid that I don't love him, so why should he be with me? But he said that he knew that these were only foolish thoughts, and so they really were. I think I don't deserve my boyfriend, because he is the most perfect person in this world. He is responsive, kind, intelligent, cheerful, loving, understanding. And I am constantly in doubt, constantly on the negative side, and I feel that I will constantly blame myself for those actions for the rest of my life. Later everything was good and i thought i don't have OCD at all. But no... Now I've been working at my first serious job for 2.5 months. I have a mentor who helps me with my work. I always had thoughts when I sit close to a person "what if we kiss and if something happens" but I didn't attach importance to them, I just tried to avoid situations where I can sit close to a man. and one day my mentor sat next to me and we tried to solve the problem (I work in IT). I started having very strong obsessive thoughts. "what if we kiss? what if he gets close to me now and it happens? it will definitely happen. i think i want it too. i want him to kiss me. what about my boyfriend? can i cheat on him right now? if he the kissed me I wouldn't push him away. now I'm going to kiss him myself. What if I put my hand on his and it will be like in the movie. Wtf? would I betray him if the mentor himself kissed me? I think I want him to kiss me. if there were all the circumstances, would I cheat? and the answer was yes" . This thoughts very scary me. Thought that i might cheat on my bf. And now, I can't get over it. I don't communicate with my mentor except for work. the truth is that I really like the look of it. I have never had such thoughts before that I CAN CHEAT. I was always 100% confident in myself. and when this thought came and I asked myself "could I cheat if he kissed me, would I kiss him back?" and the answer was yes and it just drives me crazy. This thoughts was 5 seconds. now I'm afraid that I could betray at that moment. I don't know what should i do. I really could betray my boyfriend? Or it is just intrusive thoughts? I feel like i already kiss him. I am tired of this thoughts. I know that I don't love my colleague, this is intrusive but it makes me feel like a cheater. I said about this thoughts to my partner. He said to me that i should calm down and it is just a thoughts. For almost 2 years now, my life revolves around the word "cheating". me and my boyfriend, who knows all about it, can't stand all my thoughts anymore. it is really very hard, and I know how hard it is for him to be with me, a person who is always negative and feels a constant sense of guilt. i have been scrolling through this situation for 3 weeks now. I can't shake the feeling that I might betray. I feel like I already did. I don't know if I would do it. I feel like a cheater because I thought I could do this. Please, help me, is it ocd or i just cheater and might to cheat? Sorry for my bad english and thanks for your opinion

Not looking for any crazy reassurance here but once you start “not engaging”with thoughts, is it common for them to pound you all day still? Do you just keep not engaging all day long for however long it lasts?

Can anyone answer this? I have always since I’ve had ocd since birth, not known what it is like to not have all themes of ocd- for example, I have always seen the world in a contaminated and unclean way, non-moral people as threatening and hostile. Now the question is: many therapists say that do not provide reassurance that things ARE clean, people are not hostile, etc. BUT, how would I even know what reality really is, what truth really is, If I don’t have the understanding first that okay- things actually ARE clean. Please reiterate this point. How am I supposed to know? It was literally 20 years later that my mom once mentioned to me that people are really happy, and they work joyfully. It opened my eyes and I thought Why has no one mentioned this to me- understandably so, everyone thought I was normal like them and they don’t even imagine what it’s like to be in the OCD STATE. I never felt this way? It made me understand that life, reality and people are very very much different and it was OCD which has distorted the lens from my eyes. Now the real thing is- to get normal and better, would it not be helpful for a therapist to point out every single way a NORMAL human being experiences and interacts with life? But if they keep hiding this aspect that okay- things are contaminated, they are dirty, the sufferer will never know logically what really is the truth, unless of course their ocd gets cured. Even when ocd is curing, I feel lost to know what is the truth. Is it important to know the truth?