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I've been working hard on managing my thoughts all week. It feels like each day i got weaker and weaker. To the point where I had to do the obsession. This is a frustrating cycle. I'm having one of those days where I would rather die.

[F20] As early as sixth grade, I've displayed symptoms of health anxiety/OCD. Every holiday breaks, when my mind isn't constantly stimulated and I'm stuck in the house, I find myself constantly fixated on a health issue. From heart failure, brain tumor, ALS, leukemia, everything. However, when school resumes and I'm once again occupied with academics, I don't fixate anymore (or at least very little only). But this year was different. We're barely eight weeks in 2024 but I've had multiple themes from schizophrenia trigerred by a Reddit post, cryptic pregnancy (btw im a virgin) trigerred by a delayed period, tetanus trigerred by doing my nails and once again, schizophrenia. During these times, I literally experience physical symptoms such as nausea & puking related to pregnancy, and jaw pain related to tetanus. But then, right now, I'm fixating on the thought that I may be developing schizophrenia. Two weeks ago, I was laying in bed when I think I saw a rat climbing on my bed side. I got spooked and when I was about to shoo it away, it's nowhere to be found. Less than 5 seconds in, my first thought was that was a hallucination. Decided to not dwell again on it until a similar thing happened days later. I was lying down in same position, when I thought I saw an ant in my bedside again. Memories of what happened prior flash back, and when I was about to look for it, it was genuinely gone. I was on the verge of a panic attack. I told my boyfriend about this but he said that it might really be difficult to look for that ant as my room was dark with only my night light on. Days later, it turned out there was a rat that my mom was trying to catch around the house and dead ants outside my room as my mom just sprayed on them. But I was still scared. Genuinely scared. Weeks have passed and I cant seem to shake the thought that I may be developing schizophrenia. In fact, it manifested to more visual pseudohallucinations. For example, I kept on mistaking things on my peripheral as bugs (as I read they're a common hallucination among people w schz). I've got intense eye floaters. Tiny movement from my peripheral, and my brain will try to perceive what is it and think that I'm hallucinating. I thought of my clothes hung at my door as a person. Tiny speck of dirt, I'd immediately think of as ants. In fact, I thought I saw a human shadow on our television turned out that it was the details of our door. For weeks, I've also been reading about this disorder and I think I've been manifesting their symptoms, policing my thought process, and reviewing my behavior. I've read that schz diagnozed are paranoid about stuff like being followed and watched, and all of a sudden, I'm thinking "What if I get those delusions?", "What if I'm being watched?" — and there goes that tiring cycle of overthinking. I've also noticed that most of them report of audio hallucination, and I just legit manifested it! I thought I heard my mom calling me from the living room! Oh my God. I've also been trying to contradict some symptoms. For example, I try to be expressive on my facial expressions as I read those diagnosed struggle with it. I've been tidying my space a lot lately as most schz patients often oversee them. I also been meticulous with my hygiene. I try to stay positive, and go out of the house, go to the gym, as diagnosed ppl often struggle with them. I continued doing some academic works since I'm on break, to see if I still have the same mental capacity. For the record, I'm an active student in our uni org, a dean's lister, and serves in my church. I'm in my final year of uni and the leader of my thesis group. To be honest, I'm scared. We're poor. We can barely afford treatment. I don't want this life. I'm only 20 — the prime years of my life. I've so much dreams. I want to have a job, move to an apartment in the city, hike mountains, ride a roller coaster, see my nieces and nephew grow up, surprise my parents with a trip to Italy, watch my friends succeed, see the world. I've only just experienced falling in love and to love. I hope to grow old, to love and be loved. And as I ponder on my current state, this is not the life that I want to lead. I don't to be my mind's own prisoner. I'm scared. And tired.

Just started therapy in January and working through ERP and was wanting to know what things have helped others when feeling the distress and not acting on the compulsion. There are times I feel like I can’t get through the distress feeling.

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 20… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭

I just ended up confessing one of my real events to my girlfriend. I know I shouldn’t have (I haven’t confessed in so long 🥲) but today I finally failed. She literally laughed at it and thought it was funny. Even though I’ve been doomscrolling and in a state of terror all day. I know what I did wasn’t good, but her reaction kind of eased my anxiety. Classic mistake though, because now my brain is saying “You were finally allowed to confess something and you chose THAT instead of this much bigger thing?” I can literally feel my brain scanning for which of my reoccurring events to latch onto now :) Love this life. So fun.

When interacting with friends and family, I find myself almost constantly checking my thoughts to see if I am present with the people I love, or stuck in my head. The mental checking is what keeps me feeling distant and disconnected. Does anyone else experience this?

hello all im a male 26 kinda new to dealing with this. for as long as i can remember i used to really stress out about my health and if i was ever sick i would assume the worst ang google symptoms of everything multiple times a day. i was extremely afraid of throwing up as a kid which i think plays a roll in ocd recently i watched a tv show that affected my overthinking and cause me to spiral out. thats when the SOOCD started to happen, growing up i always was with women and dated women and still dating women i never had these thoughts until 6 months ago i now feel uncomfortable around other men, i dont like to make eye contact and im always checking for a groinal response or sensation in my body when i watch tv or out in public. its affecting my daily life and i dont know where it all came from. i get intrusive thought daily could be a made up situation or a image of something i saw on the internet.

My main thought is that something really terrible is going to come out of this (can’t even type it but you can take an educated guess). Throughout the day i’m really good, but when these thoughts happen, I begin to cry, as if something terrible has been confirmed. I know acceptance is the best thing for OCD (has helped me tremendously in my recovery for multiple themes), but I feel as though I can’t accept something so tragic. Thinking about how my mum would feel if something had happened to me or leaving her, and so soon arguably (i’m 21). This is also affecting me going to the doctors. Ignorance is bliss for me right now. Before I had a habit of seeing doctors quite frequently as a compulsion, but now it’s quite the opposite. It’s reaching up to a year since i’ve had my last appointment and would love another checkup as most of my checkups are regular annual ones. I’m deficient in low folates and lead to my hair thinning tremendously and have read on the official NHS website that same deficiency could lead to something serious if left for too long over time, thus I have a regular prescription from doctors. This isn’t affecting me badly in my day to day really but the thoughts are constant, so much so I believe they are real, and honestly scared for those few moments per day, idk what to do for acceptance a opposed to other themes :(

I always come back to watching straight then gay porn, then analysing my reaction. And now I had a stronger physical reaction to gay porn, so what if I'm gay? I thought I was over doing this but I'm back with the doubts and anxiety. Sorry for just complaining but my mind is doing circles again.

I was in a bad mood bc of my ocd and i was thinking about drawing something at the same time. during that time as well, i feel like my mind was asking the universe for a sign(idk i don't remember it well) and at that time, i dropped a plate and it chipped. now im too scared to draw bc it feels like a bad sign

I have only had this happen twice in all of my years dealing with ocd. Recently I woke up during the night to change positions and as soon as I did, an intrusive thought hit me so hard and so strong. It felt so real. I was really scared and really upset. I laid down and went back to sleep really upset. I eventually got past it. I always immediately tell the ocd “ that’s not true” whenever I get an intrusive thought. My ocd randomly brought it back up again and is telling me that I didn’t deny the ocd that night and that it means the intrusive thought is true. I don’t remember because some time has passed but I am sure I denied it because I always instantly do. We’re not supposed to but I feel I have to. I keep telling myself that I must have but even if I didn’t, going back to sleep and ignoring it is also denying it, right?

I hate it so much because I'm not homophobic but I just don't want a y if this. My whole childhood and up to before this started I was disgusted by gay porn I never thought it was wrong it just wasn't for me and I was obsessed and loved the idea of being with a woman sexually. I've only crushed on women irl and only wanted to be with women the most towards a guy is I've found them aesthetically handsome but never wanted sex or crushed on them. When I check gay porn now I feel arousal but in my stomach I feel pain because I don't want it or like it. When I get arousal towards women I feel good, butterflies I want to do it in real life and I seek out a romantic and sexual partner I just don't get it why am I getting arousal response when I don't actually like it or want to do it in real life? It's so uncomfortable and depressing I feel like I'm losing myself cuz being straight has always been a big part of my identity and loving women.

Should you let them share their ruminations and intrusive thoughts with you? How do you listen but not reassure them?

I never thought I’d get to this point but generally I would say I’m about 80% recovered from OCD. Which is amazing!! But every time of the month I get really bad intrusive thoughts and it all just feels so real again. Any tips on how to deal with OCD around your period - due to all the hormones and emotions it just makes me feel hopeless again, like every month I’m going to have a huge setback… makes me feel like I won’t ever 100% feel like myself again :(

After the controversial and horrible person twomad passed away at 23, and people celebrating it, my ocd has been making me think about my entire life, including some bad stuff I did as a child... as a 22 year old (about to be the same age as him in July) currently, whose been trying to be good and kind to everybody for the last few years, I feel anxious and horrible about this situation and what my ocd says about me... it keep's telling me "you did bad things as a child, so your just as evil as twomad", and I genuinely feel just horrible and uncomfortable by these intrusive thoughts...

My mind is constantly telling me that im lying to myself just to hide the truth but how can i know if thats the case like and the false attraction is really messing me up .When i try to pursue a girl i find pretty my brain tells me ur only doing it because you’re hiding the truth and some bs like that.

This might be triggering for some cause it can be misunderstood. I read that for some harm can be a compulsion, so it means that they actually act on the thoughts as a compulsion, and this got me scared cause i used to have urges. I know urges is tipical ocd symptom, yet i still question my thoughts. I have to accept that some will just say "go to a hospital" or "call 911", i'll just say that i ignore you... My thoughts used to be so agressive like it told me to do it, i didnt had just what if thoughts, my ocd told me to act on the thoughts, and this is where i question is this normal? Cause on the internet when you hear about people having thoughts about doing something, and those thoughts becomes commands, usually the person is ill or something is wrong with him and he needs serious help, and i always compare myself to those cause my ocd gave me commands. So this is the first thing that i wanted to talk about, im so afraid of harm becoming a compulsion. Second thing i want to talk about is kinda the same, i read this too on reddit and i could relate to this. The person wrote that his compulsions becomes really scary, he gets thoughts about harming his dog and as a compulsion to check that he will not do,he puts his hands over his dog neck but he feels so bad after. And this reminded me that i had the same mindset, when ocd told me to cut myself, i intentionally went to grab a knife and i even putted in to my skin to prove that i will not do anything and to lose the fear. But eventually ocd latched to this and then it told me to actually cut myself and because i used this method then it was i holding myself back to not act on it cause ocd said cut yourself cause then you will not be afraid of it. Its really disturbing and sick... im so afraid that these are signs that i would actually act on these as a compulsion, to not be afraid of it which is stupid, but im so afraid of this, is hard to ignore... I keep having in my mind that i actually couldve harmed myself i just had luck but im actually in danger of making it a compulsion and act on the thought. Did you had thoughts like this agressive?

Anyone know a good meditation for OCD

I went to the toilet but I'm afraid to put my hand or foot into the toilet bowl. To be sure, I felt my feet on the ground and put my hands on my body. At that moment a thought came: what if you put your “head” in? I haven't attempted any washing for 3 hours. But I'm so stressed and I feel dirty! Do you ever feel like this? Please help🙏🏻

so i have a specific fear. i read a verse in the bible. i say to myself “this verse must mean this” (affirming my fear). is it possible that i’m just willing my fear into existence/ giving a meaning to a verse that is actually unrelated to the real meaning whatsoever? i can’t tell. this might be a stupid question, but ocd really does cloud your reality.