Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Just curious.....how many people who've received their " OCD Conqueror" badge still have regular intrusive thoughts that ramp up their anxiety?

I often wake up and wonder if I’m on my way to become a bad and irredeemable person because of my OCD Intrusice thoughts, I wonder if I don’t like feeding into them even though they cause me immense suffering after. I don’t know if this is a ritual but after I have a bad intrusive thought I often successfully chase it away only to have I reoccurs after and I wonder if I don’t like doing this on purpose so I may continue feeling terrible about myself. Often my thoughts are so terrible I fear I’m truly a disgusting and terrible person hiding behind the pathetic excuse of having a “mental illness.” I get especially suicidal and scared when I think about how I would view someone having the same thoughts and ideas which I may have, I would be disgusted and hateful of them, I wouldn’t trust them and and wouldn’t want them to get near me. So why do I cry so much when I think that no one can possibly love me or understand me because of who I am and the thoughts I have? How can I differentiate between people who are bad because they have these thoughts and people like me who believe they can’t control these thoughts? Are not the people who are bad the same as us, is the difference that we don’t want to give in to these thoughts? I often see bad people interviewed who cite a lot of childhood trauma for how they turned out. I too have a lot of childhood trauma, does this mean that I am like them and will become like them and do something terrible to harm others without my control? Or do I just like tormenting myself? I don’t want to eat or enjoy things or talk to my friends and family because I believe they deserve a lot better than having to love someone who they do not know is having these thoughts, I think they would be disgusted if they knew this about myself which is why I want to die because I believe that would be a lot better than the people I love shunning me, and what’s even worse being emotionally impacted by the realization of my horribleness. I don’t know if I thought I have is mine, but who else’s could it be? I feel so guilty all the time but I don’t think that absolves me from having had these thoughts, so what do I do. It has gotten so bad that I often ask god if he could give me a sign that I should kill myself and not be selfish enough to live being an irredeemable person. I’m not a religious person but I don’t know what a good person with these thoughts is good for. I would want to let time pass by and have a husband and kids who spent their whole lives loving me not know that I have these thoughts, because I feel I must confess to them. I have a strong urge to confess all the time, but I’m afraid doing so would have the people I confess to classify me as a sick person and deeep down I don’t think I am a bad person or a sick one. What do I do? I can hardly work, or do anything. Everything is so debilitating, I don’t know what will become of me.

I was wondering if it was normal to be having really good days to coming home from my first day at a new job to a panic attack and overwhelming thoughts. I just felt out of it after I left work and just broke down when I got home.

Now I feel like one is imminent, I’m starting to really struggle and my anxiety is through the roof. I started Wegovy 4 weeks ago and also switched from combination birth control pill to the mini pill about the same time, I’m wondering if these changes are impacting my mental stability and triggering my OCD. I’m so scared, replaying real event (or false memory) things over and over again in my head again.

Lately i have been struggling with the idea of my S/O carrying on a relationship somewhere else. I have been throw a ton of failed and hopeless relationships and i always know the signs when people wish to move on or move into a different direction. Lately i have been struggling to remove my trauma away from his natural responses. EXAMPLE: Him saying that he is working a double. In his brain it’s just him working a double but in my brain a MILLION different equations are running. I have been discussing these feelings with him in the best possible way a human can but it just seems to not be clicking. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Whenever i feel something out of array and i ask him if this is how he feels and he gets frustrated with me for even mentioning or constantly bringing it up. I know that it hurts to constantly be accused and be constantly asked the same question but i don’t know what else to do. He keeps saying that he wants me to open up but when i do it just seems to make him frustrated. Last night he even said that he thinks i need to speak with someone or we have to work on this because its becoming to much on his mental health. How do i handle this? Im trying to remove these thoughts and feelings and i am trying to bring the most positivity that i can but I’m finally starting to put a uanessacry weight that is causing him to struggle as well. I never wanted to do this with him. I have never had planned too. But here i am self sabotaging and traumatizing the world with my issues. I have a therapy session (first one ever) at 7 today. He doesn’t know about it……….

I wanted to see if any girlies had a similar experience. I’ve been on the birth control pill (sprintec) for about 9 years now. The onset of my OCD started half way through about year 4. I’m wondering if anyone has ever contributed their onset or symptoms due to birth control? Second question is it seems the longer I am on the pill and experience the week before my period (still in the active pills) the week before the sugar pills i have awful PMS symptoms that exacerbate my pure o harm ocd. I am considering coming off of the birth control as I’ve read several studies that it wrecks your gut health and depletes serotonin levels. Any gals notice their ocd to be worse and less manageable while on the birth control pill? Or anyone who had positive experiences coming off of it?

hi guys, i’m really struggling with a fear that i will develop feelings for other guys. i love my boyfriend and am happy in my relationship but recently saw a situation at my church with a leader having an emotional affair with a different lady. they were able to resolve the issue and their marriage is fine now but it triggered me a ton and made me feel scared that i could develop feelings for someone other then my boyfriend and it makes me feel panicky when i encounter other guys like at work or other places. it’s the worst anxious feeling. can anyone relate or have any tips?

I’ve gotten alot better but the past week has been hard. I ended things with this guy who I thought I really liked but he was seeing other people and I couldn’t take it. The cherry on top I had a panic attack and thought I was pregnant. I’m not. Now I’m back to thinking I’m a lesbian. I was talking to my aunt and mom about my future wedding and children and got excited. I feel like I’ll never feel attracted to another man again or never enjoy sex. And then seeking reassurance I went on the nocd page and read a story about a woman who had so ocd that turned out to be queer. And now I feel like this is going to happen to me. I also redownloaded tik tok and I keep getting videos about late bloomer lesbians. It feels like the world is telling me I am. Despite the feelings I just had for this guy I feel like I must be a lesbian and I’m just deeply in denial. It’s coming back and I feel like my attraction to men has always been forced.

i constantly say things like under my breath to myself to “neutralize” thoughts and sometimes i even say the thoughts out loud and then i feel contaminated and have to brush my teeth and wash all my items around me. this is a daily occurrence. when i accidentally say things out loud im trying so hard not to say it that sometimes i do. please help

i have mixed feelings about how my bf hasn’t asked me to be his valentine only because i think it’s cute. i know we are dating so it’s obvious we’re each others valentines, but social media is making me feel bad that he hasn’t asked :/ we’re not doing anything the day of but we are going out to dinner the friday after. i know we’re still doing stuff and getting each other things but for some reason i’m having ocd about how he hasn’t asked me. i don’t wanna care but i do at the same time ???

Hello friends, I’m going through another set back. Mornings are rough. Period. I go to bed and sleep fine, but first thing in the morning my anxiety is through the roof. Does anyone have helpful tips to deal with this? Should I do ERP? Go for a run? Eat certain foods? I’m sure there is a correlation with morning cortisol levels. Thank you! We got this!

I feel like i cant do this, every year im here and i feel like its moving me to a worse thing. Im not saying its all stupid and nothing happened, but i just realized it makes me hate my parents and disconect from them, and i feel more alone. Its really confusing what younneed to work on, i was here every year and i felt like it does more hurt than good, i got into depression, i was in a self pitty mindset, and i felt alone and unloved cause i felt like my parents doesnt love me. It was really worse then just ignoring it so i decided i move on and i actually felt better. It has a reason tho that im here again but i still find unhealthy for my mental health to go through the same thing, again it makes me hate my parents, then i feel bad cause i dont want to hate them but i hear from others that thats guilt and avoidance, than its like i should feel hatred, then people come with advices like "move from your parents" and again i dont want to, i dont want to move and its just makes me feel like im just avoiding... This whole neglect thing is true tho cause yeah my parents wasnt there emotionally for me but many times they were, my mind just brings up the negatives. Im watching videos about these and i dont like what they talk about, it sounds like i have to accept that from now my life is about this. It doesnt makes me sober, its weird but avoiding it it was like it made me feel happier. As avoiding i dont mean i say nothing happened, i know my family has toxic treats, but i always get me sad when i remember the times my mom was in my side and she nurtured me. And i still get hugs too, even from my dad. With my dad is different tho, i have to heal those wounds. But i cant say that my parents, atleast my mom was never in my side, she was just toxic and all, well yeah there is times but, just dealing with it as others say it make it worse, im just being angry.i beat myself up more cause i feel like i avoid and i should deal with this...i would like to deal with it but not as now my life is about this, i need to accept that im like this now, it affects me. Ans the thing that the whole issue makes me feel so anxuious and idk why, i just feel worse and worse and im afraid if i continue i will get depressed. Even yesterday when i felt like im not loved, even this is a lie, i got so anxious, i was panicking cause i dont feel loved ans this mesns something bad about me. My whole life will be about working on feeling loved... Also with neglect, i got this alot of time and i remember too, at first i think i was sensitive caus i reall was a moms boy, i always could go to my mom to cry and she nurtured me and this backfired cause i always neded my mom to feel safe, then later she wanted me to become stronger and independent ofcourse, but i didnt wanted and i continued going venting to my mom to get the nurture. And ofcourse after time my mom couldnt deal with that. So this is why i dont like to "view what we needed emotionally" cause itd just shows how we view it, bjt when we see others how it saw then we know its not the full truth. Also sometimes when im hurt i feel like i would like to be nurtured by someone, but isnt that dependency? You cannot expect anyone to come and nurture you whenever you need nurture. Thiy is really hard for me and i think like i will move away from this again cause it makes me more hsrm than good...

I just went on an internet spiral. Obviously it is one of my compulsions. I was researching about pedos and the criteria. I even went as far to almost sign up for a pedo support group because obviously I was convinced after my research. UGH I knew I was not supposed to do that. I feel worse and better at the same time. I hate myself. I hate this. I was really bad like this in October but I got put on medication and I thought I was getting better then this happened. I hate this. I don’t know who I am. I don’t want to be a pedo but sometimes I think I am in denial. I am so stressed with this and school (it’s mid term season). Literally this is the same time I had a break down last semester. I am seeing a pattern. I hate this I hate myself.

Hey everyone, hope all is well❤️ I had a tough OCD day for the first time in awhile, and brought myself here to steer clear of that. Although I had a tough day, my ocd is in “remission”. I can’t remember the last time where OCD ruined my whole entire day and a year ago today I couldn’t even imagine that. If anyone needs help please ask questions below. My main OCD themes are SOCD ROCD POCD, and have beat the shit out of all of them so they are for the most part quiet❤️ Ask away!!!

Yesterday i was hit by certain emotions by memories, and even good ones made me sad. I tried to see whats the problem and since then im stucked there cause i realized i dont love myself but then i started spinning about the reasons, because my family, because this or that, then i remembered that everytime this time of the year (end of the winter till end of spring) i get hit by these thoughts and feelings and i keep spinning out cause im searching for the answer and every year i find one and i keep making my mental health worse worse until somehow i start to avoid it then i feel better and feel like myself again. I get into shaming and blaming, i blame my parents and then i have a bad relationship with them, i feel shame and i spin about myself, it doesnt help and this happens now for years. Maybe something happened that i dont feel loved but its just this time cause other times i feel loved, even by myself, but now it even made me spin about do i really feel loved or its just because i have performance relationships which means i focus more on the doings and maybe i just love myself when i feel like i do things right, im my best form, and i can do good to others too, i mean this is a huge part cause i like when i can help others but this made me realized i only love myself cause i feel needed cause i help others. But all these realizations makes me feel anxious and so bad that im actually not loving myself and i make this story 10 times bigger till i feel depressed. I keep spinning over this throghout the day. I even started spinning about do i really need a gf cause if i would have one i would be dependent on her to give me love and if she doesnt give me love then i feel unloved. All this things maybe make sense and maybe in my past something happened when i felt unloved but i dont need to feel that for my life, its a lie, and what i hate is that im spinning about it and i make myself depressed cause i make it worse than it is... any advice?

It’s been almost one full year, and I’ve cut off ties with my “best friend”. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I ultimately decided to do it. Why? Here are my top reasons: 1. He consistently made me feel like I was an ugly fat guy who couldn’t get laid. He knew I was lonely and wanting a romantic relationship, so he said “just get ripped and stop whining”. I actually agreed with him and set out on a quest to lose weight and get in shape. But the more I progressed, the more I got criticized. He told me that he never thought I’d get laid because I’m too shy and scared to be intimate, that nothing will happen even if I somehow get “lucky”. He also told me to go on Tinder, but then blamed me for my failed attempts. Laughed at the fact I was getting scammed by bots and said I should actually pay them $$$. 2. As an indirect consequence of 1., I decided to hire a sex worker (where it was legal). I thought I had to prove to myself that he was wrong, and that I in fact was physically able to do it. That I wasn’t “disabled” or that nothing was wrong with me. I went through with this act and although I enjoyed myself, I got backlash from my friend. He called me a “sex offender” and “rapist” and said my family should disown me for this. He wanted me to feel shame and guilt and made me promise that I’ll never do it again. That I “need to fuck a real woman”. 3. Unrelated, but he also never showed up to my graduation and insisted that I needed to get a “real job” and that I need to be making at least 6 figures out of graduation. That I shouldn’t become a teacher because it didn’t make much money, even though he knew I liked teaching. Also got annoyed when I didn’t find a job immediately after graduation. Ok, so I think there’s a lot of gray areas in this post, but ultimately I keep questioning my decision to go no contact or just cutting off the relationship. I blocked him in my phone and deleted my social media accounts. But I’m questioning this because I keep reading how ghosting harms the other person. I also still believe I’m a horrible person for doing that to him, but I just felt it was necessary as I needed time to heal. Does anyone have any advice on this?

i have two dogs, and i love them both so much. but one of them spends more time with me than the other. but that doesn’t mean i love them less. well i was working with one with training, and my mind was like “you don’t love him, you never loved this dog, you hate him, he sucks” i have never EVER felt this way about him. but now i can’t be near him without thinking i secretly hate him, but i don’t. i love him so much

I hace contamination and magical thinking ocd. Sometimes i am not even sure if something is contaminated and that i hve touched it but my brain just tell me i might have touched it and it may be contaminated. I am doing so much compulsions from the past few days which is making my ocd worse because then i want perfection. Everything to be washed and perfectly clean. I am just tired of this ocd. I dont want to live with this level of anxiety. My life is ruined😭😭😭😭

Am I lesbian or it’s just hocd and libido issues? I (F29) don’t feel desire to have sex with my boyfriend (M32) and I am scared it’s because I am lesbian. We are together 3 years and we are also living together. I think I am more aroused by lesbian porn and lesbian fantasies than straight stuff and sex with men. I always dated men and I felt drawn to them, I also never wanted to be with a woman in real life and I was never attracted to a woman in real life, but I am scared I am just in denial and didn’t know about it or I always knew but didn’t want to accept the truth :-(. It’s not that I never wanted to have sex with men, but when the relationship starts to be serious the desire decreases. I really don’t know what to do. I love my boyfriend and don’t want to break up with him. It’s not a new topic for me. I deal with it already 4 years. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder 5 years ago, because I had panic attacks and some health ocd. After one year I started to be scared that I am a lesbian. I had a therapy and I talked about it with my therapists and they said it’s ocd, but I didn’t tell them the whole true about the porn and fantasies. In my country (Poland/Germany) the therapists are mainly familiar with health or harm ocd, so I don’t know if my therapists were familiar with these kind of thoughts. Also sometimes I think that even if it’s ocd it doesn’t mean it’s not truth. The only difference is that I am just more worried, scared and obsessed about it than other people who are questioning their sexuality. Also I even don’t know if it’s still ocd. It feels more like denial right now. Like I know the truth, but I just don’t want to accept it or I try to convince myself that for example it’s normal in long term relationship to not desire sex but the truth is it’s not normal if it happens all the time. I don’t really have ocd symptoms right now. At the beginning I was very scared and had to google all the time etc., but right now I just have pretty normal life. I am just still worried about it and ruminate though right now I try to avoid the whole thoughts and feelings all the time. And this is exactly what the people call denial. Knowing the truth but avoiding it… I don’t know if i have still doubts. It’s more like I know deep down what is the truth but I still hope it’s not the truth and try to convince myself that it’s everything ok but it doesn’t work because I am just a lesbian :-( TL;DR - I have sex issues in my relationship. I don’t feel desire to have sex and I am looking for a solution how to change it. Hopefully it’s because ocd and I am not attracted to women.

So I had a good day yesterday but last night and today I've been ruminating over what I could have done better and what I messed up and it's basically ruining my memory of the day by making the less good stuff bigger in my mind than the good stuff. I'll have to bring this up with my therapist but in the meantime, does anyone have any thoughts on how to better focus on the good aspects?