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I can’t take it anymore. It’s so confusing and I hate it. I am a lesbian. Why can’t my ocd just leave me alone?

Hi guys I’m having these disgusting thoughts going round my head about saying disgusting things to my son or other horrible things to people . I will obsess about and the only way I feel I can get some relief is to say it yet I don’t want to because I know people will hate me for it . The anxiety is real bad like what if I did do that . It feels like the compulsion is the urge to say it as that gives me some relief. Has anyone else had this and please could someone give me some advice on what to do as I’m not very good atm and need some help ty

I am not a religious person and I never have been. Two years ago when I was in inpatient the nurses told me that maybe I should start believing in God for more support and that felt very gross and dismissive of my problems to me at the time. Currently I’ve been very worried about God. My partner tells me that I talk like I want to be religious which doesn’t make any sense to me and sometimes I worry that god is real and I’m living my life in the wrong way. A part of me thinks that if I started going to church and praying that my mental illness will be taken from me. People who use religion to cope with mental illness what is that like? Does it help? Am I being too shallow with my intentions? How do I know if god is real for me

I traveled to join my family for christmas but the feelingd that come with SOOCD are soo much stronger around this time of the year + my bf isnt here so I cant get reassurance... its feels like its sooo obvious that Im not straight and I dont know what to do anymore... I dont kmow if you get this feeling of dread also..

Hi all! So I’m home from college now for winter break and I was just curious: does anyone else’s OCD spike when coming home for the holidays? Like having an uptick in intrusive thoughts related to family members, being home, just surrounding that theme? Would appreciate input! It makes me feel so isolated. ..

Hey everyone - I've been reading about real vs false attraction, and I find myself falling under both categories for an individual in my life. It's making me really anxious, because I don't want real or any attraction to anyone other than my partner. It feels disgusting to say I had it, much less than I had some feelings of enjoying it (even typing it is making me feel sick with anxiety) Has anyone else ever experienced this? If so, how did you cope with it? Is this OCD? Or is this a real problem? Is attraction like this bad?

I don't know what to do. I'm far from my mom because of vacation, and I feel so guilty from last night that I feel like I have to confess when I talk to her today to make me feel better. The worst thing is, is that a part of me still wants to read the fic because there was a sweet romance, but the dark romance is coming more into the book, and it's just like a part of me wants to see how bad it is, but I know I probably shouldn't in my state. I also just can't think of anything else, because usually mind at least pops out from the trigger/intrusive thought for at least 2 minutes or more, but right now, it's just constantly at the back of my head, and I keep daydreaming about the sweet moments of the romance. I know I'm supposed to try and sit with this, but the guilt is consuming me so much and I just don't know what to do. For context of last night, here it is: Hey guys, currently panicking. To start off, my first big trigger happened after I was reading a fanfic, and it caused panic over a word that kept repeating in my head (sexual theme). That one eventually went away, but two weeks later, a new word (sexual theme) repeated in my head, and I have had that same trigger word in my head for about 5 months now. Which obviously scares me. It hasn’t been my main theme in a while, but my mind always reminds me at least 1-2 a day that it’s still there. The problem is that this fan fic doesn’t fit the traditional Christian values, and my mom is a Christian and grew me up as one, and after a while, the guilt consumed me so much that I told her what the fic was about, and tried to never watch/read anything like that again, but then all of a sudden tonight I got a strong urge to read it again, cause I knew new chapters have had to come out since I haven’t read the book in song long, and I start reading, I start to feel more and more guilty, and the word that has been my longest trigger word started to come back. And then dark themes started to be hinted at in the book, and it states that in the book apparently, but it started to make me panic because I started to question if maybe I’m secretly liking the dark theme. I mean I do love romance, but I started to feel weird and disgusted by what was a possibility in the book, and now I can’t sleep, feel guilty, am scared of the word repeating a lot in my head again, and feel the need to confess to my mom. And to make it clear, it’s better hard because I think a part of me will always believe there is a God, but it hasn't been easy for me to connect in a while, and I just feel like I don’t know where I stand faith wise, but I feel so guilty, and have been avoiding doing things because of Christian values, and because I felt like I knew better than to do certain things. This is all rambling, but thank you to anyone who has read all this. I just feel so out of control and scared, and I just feel so so guilty. I know it’s a compulsion writing this, but I just don’t know what to do, because I was doing well, and now I feel like I just put myself back to square one Sorry for writing a lot, I just haven't panicked this bad in a while and need help because I can't really reach to my therapist because I'm out of state, and I just don't know what to do

I just want to know people who have recovered from OCD without therapist and using self help books and online resources

My psychiatrist said to stop smoking weed because not only is it a compulsion but getting high can make the thoughts worse. It definitely helps with anxiety but then i get into this weird state of not knowing what’s real and fake. Idk why

I am having trouble coping with the fact that my daughters will not be with me on Christmas. Their dad left me when I was 8 months pregnant with our second child. The girls are now 18 months and 6 months and it breaks my heart that my life now consists of their dad getting to spend the holiday with them, and I will not. These thoughts are making my BFRD harder to control.

Hello I'm new to this... I had a rough childhood growing up and I thought once I got out of my parents house then I'll be happy but my demons slowly came out of me and ruined my relationships and myself. I grew up molding myself to people's body languages, way of thinking, actions, feelings and so much more. I wore masks to secure my safety( illusion) and protect my sisters. As a child I was described by adults as " too serious" but I didn't want to be serious and what I wanted the most as a kid is not to have toys to play with or have friends or watch cartoons but I just wanted feel innocent and to have a child like mind. I wanted to be a kid. I grew up watching others kids be kids and I felt so alone. I was jealous of them. My naivety was stolen by my parents and then my innocence was stolen by my grandpa and my grandma knew but never protected me. She made me feel better every time after it happened but I wish she would've just put a stop to him and protected me. But she was scared of what other's would think about him because he's a pastor. She was too concerned about their image than my own well being. I wasn't safe at home with my parents and I wasn't safe at my grandparents house also but I still had to visit them every Friday because my mother wanted some alone time from us the kids. The mental, physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse happened since I was three and up untill I was 19 and finally left my parents house. My grandpa is in prison but it doesn't bring me a peace of mind. I still feel broken, dirty, used and lost. I'm crying now writing this all down because it hurts to finally admit to myself that they all broke me. I don't know what to do and how to live my life at all. I don't know what and who I am on my own. It's scary to me not knowing where I belong. My relationships don't last longer than 4 years. The shortest I've been in was a year. The reason why is that I have BPD and it controls my life. I don't like any physical contact and any affection. I don't like when people touch me in any kind of way. It turns me off and I immediately shut down. When my partner wanted to get a hug, I froze and I didn't know how to react and he got upset because he thought that I didn't love him. It's true though. I never loved anyone and I never will. Its not in me. I grew up in hate, rage, fear and love was never allowed. I don't know what love is. And I'm not talking just about romance relationships but also when I'm around relatives or my sisters... I don't feel anything towards anyone. I'm cold and stiff and constantly overthinking and feeling paranoid. I hide it pretty well on the outside but inside I'm dying. I have OCD but I never got treated for that in the mental health facility I stayed in after attempting suicide because of my abusive relationship but also other fear factors that played the part. Anyway, I want to so badly to heal and try to live my life fully. I don't want to waste my life being other people and be in pain. I'm tired. I want my OCD to go away. It's causing me so much distress mentally and physically. I take extremely long showers and my skin is hurting. I can't stop feeling dirty no matter how many times I shower. I space out often and forget if I done it or not and then do the same thing over and over again like washing my hands. I need to learn how to trust myself. I need help. If anyone can relate to my story please feel free to reach out because right now I feel very alone and scared dealing with all this on my own. I hope I can find people who can understand and support me through this hard but necessary journey. I'm sorry for not going into many details about my trauma because I don't want to trigger anyone on here. I know what that feels like so I just want to be careful and mindful of others who will read this post.

Last night I realized I need to stop thrifting & shopping at vintage clothing stores. I actually didn’t realize this my friend helped me, (he does not have OCD). A lot of my Contamination and Health concern OCD doesn’t show up with nature, it shows up with the people im around and what they do. I would LOVE to be someone thrifts nice clothes and shops for good vintage items but recently after purchasing 4 things from a vintage store, that dream had to walk out the door. The items I bought were: A fur collar, two 80s tops with puff sleeves, and a hand crocheted vest. No matter how many times I washed them I could still smell the scent of the store I bought them from which was, Warm, Dusty, and Claustrophobic (I dont know how something can smell claustrophobic but trust me they did) Other people in my house say they smell normal but I knew it was there and became very worried about getting sick or breathing in someone else’s Skin, Rot, or even Mold spores. Anyways, against my better judgement I threw away the fur collar holding it in a bag as far away from my body as possible, and put all the other clothing items in the darkest furthest corner of my closet after dousing them in perfumes and anti bacterial spray. I opened all the windows in my room, turned on an air purifier and two fans to the max, and turned off the heater, for maximum airflow. This left me freezing all night but it was the only way I would’ve slept in the first place. I have no idea how to handle this in the future so for now, I’ll just stick to avoiding the thrift all together.

I was feeling pretty confident lately had no worries about my intrusive thoughts and body signals, but all of a sudden I had an urge/craving for groinal response which is weird for me but I acted on it, (just imagined it and scan my body) recognised that it doesn't necessarily comes from intrusive thoughts but about 50% they come from intrusive thoughts. I acted on it let it sit and wonder if I'm really enjoying this got concerned and it went downhill from there I'd say. Later another day I had a feeling that I would like (sexually) my intrusive thought so I imagined it and felt thrown off immediately didn't enjoy it at all and was disgusted for few days. (I know that I shouldn't check but it worked for me for the longest time) Also had some moments when I felt like I miss adrenaline or intense feelings in my life which I had with OCD and it again felt like I wanted the thoughts only to be disgusted, anxious and stressed. Weirdly when I had the same feelings about other themes, I could brush it way more calm (harm OCD, sexual orientation OCD) but with pOCD it just wrecks me. I needed to vent out past few days has been blocked out for me and I have trouble focusing for even a moment constantly thinking I'm psychopath. :( Can someone with a similar story could share their experiences? That would mean a lot, thanks

Hey guys, currently panicking. To start off, my first big trigger happened after I was reading a fan fic, and it caused panic over a word that kept repeating in my head (sexual theme). That one eventually went a way, but two weeks later, a new word (sexual theme) repeated in my head, and I have had that same trigger word in my head for about 5 months now. Which obviously scares me. It hasn’t been my main theme in a while, but my mind always reminds me at least 1-2 a day that it’s still there. The problem is that this fan fic doesn’t fit the traditional Christian values, and my mom is a Christian and gre me up as one, and after a while the guilt consumed me so much that I told her what the fic was about, and tried to never watch/read anything like that again, but then all of a sudden tonight i got a strong urge to read it again, cause i knew new chapters have had to come out since i haven’t read the book in song long, and i start reading, i start to feel more and more guilty, and the word that has been my longest trigger word started to come back. And then dark themes started to be hint at in the book, and it states that in the book apparently, but it started to make me panic because I started to question if maybe I’m secretly liking the dark theme. I mean I do love romance, but I started to feel weird and disgusted by what was a possibility in the book, and now I can’t sleep, feel guilty, am scared of the word repeating a lot in my head again, and feel the need to confess to my mom. And to make it clear, it’s better hard because I think a part of me will always believe there is a God, but it has been for me to connect in a while, and I just feel like I don’t know where I stand faith wise, but I feel so guilty, and have been avoiding doing things because of Christian values, and because I felt like I knew better than to do certain things. This is all rambling, but thank you to anyone who has read all this. I just feel so out of control and scared, and I just feel so so guilty. I know it’s a compulsion writing this, but I just don’t know what to do, because I was dining well, and now I feel like I just put some back to square one

Hi does anyone get a feeling off a skipped heartbeat/early heartbeat with there anxiety/ocd I have been drs and they said stop caffeine which I did and it still happens, they can’t see anything working with my heart on ecg etc so wondering if it’s can possibly be ocd/anxiety. Thanks

Ever since yesterday I’ve been scared I might have sexually assaulted my badminton teacher while he was holding my hand. Like I was scared I might have put one of my fingers away or moved my hand a bit. My hand still would’ve been on the badminton but mx brain is saying that if one finger had touched his hand it would’ve been SA. And the worse thing is that suddenly I got the intrusive thought „had I ever touched him inappropriately while he was closer to me?“ and the thing is that I don’t remember doing that at all. I usually am a bit uncomfortable around him and I always watch my hands when around other people bc of my fear of doing so. Usually he also stands at the side where he’s holding my hand so my other hand couldn’t even have touched him. And since I’m constantly keeping the badminton thing in my hand it’s just barely possible for me to have ever touched him inappropriately. But now I feel terrible? Should I ask him next Time? I mean he barely knows me yet bc I’ve only been there like 5 times already and he’s over 60 so what if he might have forgotten that?

it’s been immensely hard for me these days. i’ve been managing a impulse to numb myself and my efforts to offer myself compassion are getting harder and harder to manage. i’ve been able to recognize the symptoms i’m experiencing as CTPSD and OCD strongly associated to each other — and this year’s has been such a hard one for me. is there anyone here that’d like to share their own experiences with comorbidities and multiple diagnoses? i’ve been struggling to get the proper care, mainly. that’d be really helpful, thanks.

Has anyone else with kids during a spin out seeked reassurance from their children? I’m feeling alone on this one and extremely guilty about it.

I’m lying awake right now and having a major OCD episode. I am tired, and only 14. I can’t calm down and feel a PA coming. Advise?

I feel like I’m living in my own personal hell right now. Everyday, all day, my thoughts are focused on food. My brain is stuck in a cycle of fearing eating and I want it to be over, but I don’t know how to get unstuck! It’s basically like, “Okay the wife told me that we’re having pizza for dinner tonight… but am I in the mood for that? Will I have an appetite for that later? What if I don’t have an appetite and I try to eat it and the texture feels gross in my mouth and I gag or vomit? What if the smell of the pizza makes me feel nauseous? Oh god, but if I don’t eat dinner my blood sugar will get low and it’ll make me feel worse and I’ll get more anxious, so I’m gonna have to eat the pizza to feel okay, but now the pressure of eating this pizza is stressing me out!!” And it’s like that all the time!! I’m trying to push through and not pay the spiraling any mind and just eat like normal, but it’s hard when something that’s such a simple task feels like a herculean struggle, and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better :(