Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I've met some really cool people on here I just wish there was a dm option

I have had retroactive jealousy for three years in my relationship which is my first relationship as an adult. After my boyfriend and I had met, I still continued to see other people to keep my options open. He even asked if I wanted to be exclusive and I said I’ve never had a boyfriend I just don’t think I’m ready. He had told me he was going on a hiking trip with some people. Later on I found out specifically one girl from his hometown who he didn’t know, but knew of was on the trip. they were friends on Facebook And he reached out about hiking in her state after she had liked his photos or something. Time went on and while he was on the trip I even slept with someone else since I was keeping my options open. through social media I became very jealous seeing their photos on Instagram and I knew it was more than just a friendship that they were probably hooking up. I don’t know why this would hurt me since I even went to a hotel with a guy when he was on the trip. Now, three years later, I think about her and him together on the trip constantly. It’s taken over my day-to-day life I’ve been to three different therapist. I’ve tried three different medication’s. I’ve seen a psychiatrist, and now I am on a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant to help. I will go months sometime without thinking about her or the trip or caring. But most of the time I’m picking a fight comparing myself crying and obsessing. To this day, I still won’t go to any of the national parks or states they went to because the thought of them together their drives me insane. I wish I wasn’t like this. My boyfriend doesn’t deserve it because he is the best boyfriend in the whole world. We were younger with all of this happened and have matured together so much but I can’t get it out of my head. I have mental breakdowns all the time Panic attacks before work and have to leave because of this girl To be honest, I am a bit jealous of her, her job, her smaller nose, her straight hair, and I’m jealous that my boyfriend found her attractive and they shared so many memories that I wish I could erase I feel like nothing works. We want to get engaged but he tells me he can’t propose because I always bring this up , in other than this, I’m the perfect person and the person he wanted from the beginning but I screwed it up and now it’s like I can’t forgive myself.

Racing thoughts and can’t sleep. Dealing with scrupulosity and ROCD and addiction. I’m so sad

My mind is literally running around in circles over this…. Bit of a rant, so stay if you’re ready to read it…. Okay so bit of back story: in the past while I’ve been with my bf, before I had ocd, I used to basically “like” or react to whatever post/photo (to an extent) I do admit some things were like why tf would I even like that…. Anyway so even tho I never had any bad intentions I used to like whatever, and not think twice about it…. I’ve always had the rules/boundaries for my partner that if he sees a photo of a girl in a bikini to just scroll on and not like or react because even if he had no intentions it made me uncomfortable… which is a fair request not that he was the type of guy to do that anyway… a lot of time has passed by since back then & I developed ocd (mainly POCD, ROCD AND SEXUAL OCD) I took myself off social media Agers ago because of being triggered and it just filled my head with bullshit. But I’ve recently had the intrusive thought “what if one day if you go back on socials you come across a tik tokker I followed who I’ve looked up her onlyfans befroe in the past - not with intent - just out of curiosity but still massive regret” anyway - me and my partner had a convo because of this thought, even tho I know confessing doesn’t help, and he basically said to me even tho I don’t consider myself bi anymore since I’ve been with him because of my expectations of him (which is fair) then it should be the same for me, wether it’s a shirtless guy or a girl in a bikini I don’t know (unless she’s my friend) then It’s not okay for me to like - now I’m just pointing out that’s not an issue for me, even if I would never have any intent by liking some tik tok persons photos or something like that - he still wouldn’t ever have intent either and I wouldn’t ever want him doing something like that…. So since that point because he said to me don’t like photos of guys with their shirts off or girls you don’t know in a bikini, it’s sparked all these questions in my head like , “what if it was a girlfriend of mine with their bf at the beach, or what if it was a friend of his that I became friends with his gf and they posted a photo at the beach, what if it was a friend of mine who posted a photo of her and her friend at the beach, or what if it was a photo of my boyfriend with his mate but they were at the beach, what if an old friend died and someone posted something for them but they were in a swimsuit.” Anyway I know these things sound ridiculous but that’s what ocd is, it makes me question my own morals…. Because my brain is not logical - it’s hard for me to understand right from wrong cause for so long I’ve felt everything is wrong, and because of how I used to be I just used to think that liking certain photos was normal…. I sometimes depend on him to tell me what is okay or not because I don’t have that logical part of my brain working, anyway as you can imagine I’ve had all the “you would like this, you wouldn’t like that, maybe this maybe that” all that BS! Putting images in my head, confusing me so much… I would never want to do anything to disrespect my relationship or man. When I’ve tried to ask him these specific questions it has made him almost break up with me because he can’t handle hearing this stuff 24/7… all the hypothetical things that won’t happen etc. He refuses to read or listen to those questions about specifics which he is totally in the right about putting up boundaries - I just am confused because ocd tells me one thing while my heart says another…. I have thought to myself that I wouldn’t have worried if he ever liked a photo of one of our mates with his gf, because I knew there would be no intent; but he still just wouldn’t do that because the girl is in swimmers and he feels that is disrespectful to me or our relationship. And now it’s saying well you don’t think any of this is a big deal it’s been repeating that for so long…. Like when I’ve found out something is disrespectful to my partner and he has voiced if he wouldn’t do that then I shouldn’t either - then it’s obviously disrespectful to me because anything that he feels disrespected by obviously I think is bad too cause I never want to harm my relationship. It just keeps saying “you don’t think this is a big deal” putting all these different scenarios in my head… like I’m not trying to think that??? Just because I may not have seen things as a big deal back then, doesn’t mean I feel that way now, when I heard it from his perspective it made me think differently and think I should have the same expectations of myself that I do for him - that Is fair and equal! But then I just have these continuous things go through my head trying to make it seem like I want to do those things or something… making it seem like that I think “he shouldn’t care because I have no intent” like um hello??? I know he would never have intent but I know straight up certain things would make me uncomfortable if he liked it. He is aloud to care just like I care about him liking certain things - my rules should be the same as his, isn’t that fair??? He does have a point, tho im not anymore, but I used to identify or think i was a different sexuality until I met my man, I didn’t want to associate with that label again when we were together. So really it should be the exact same rules for me as it is for him… so why the fuck does it keep saying that I will do these things or want to do these things or don’t see them as problem? When I actually do now. Even if I had no intent it’s about not disrespecting my bf, he never has spoken up and said these things before so I never used to see an issue with liking anything back in the day but I just feel like my whole viewpoint has changed now. All it needs to come down to is that if someone is shirtless or it’s a girl I’m not friends with who has a bikini on or something along those lines, then I won’t press like, simple it should be, not so simple for my ocd brain 🧠 to understand, because it puts lots of different hypotheticals to make me doubt and question everything, I would never mean to do anything that would hurt him, or disrespect him but he’s actually verbally told me what he thinks is okay and not okay - I trust other people’s judgment more than my own because I have ocd. It’s not like “oh my boyfriend told me no but I still want these things or think it’s acceptable” it’s not like that at all, when your partner verbalises to you something makes them uncomfortable you should be respectful if you love them & I do love him so much… why is it so hard for my brain to understand I’ve had a change of opinion compared to what I thought was okay in the past…. He won’t answer my specifics so just to be safe even if I never had intentions I’m just not going to like anything that has a girl in a bikini (unless it’s my friend) or a guy that’s shirtless - because I now view that as not acceptable because of how he has put it to me…. Why does ocd torture people like this? It’s demanding I give it Answers, I literally was just crying and almost having a panic attack today saying “JUST STOP” over and over again while I showered. I almost lost my relationship today because I can’t stop confessing for almost 2 years. I have lost him before because of confessions constantly, he doesn’t deserve this as much as I don’t deserve to go through this either. Like I just don’t understand why it keeps saying “this isn’t a big deal to you” when it has become one, just because it may not have been in the past doesn’t mean I have that mindset now. F U OCD.

i was “diagnosed” with OCD less than a year ago. the reason i use quotation marks is because my psychiatrist isn’t very thorough, although i’ve only ever had one psychiatrist so maybe this is the norm. essentially, i went in to tell him i’d been struggling with intrusive thoughts, and he just said “that sounds like OCD” and wrote me a prescription for medication to treat it. when i went in to talk to him about it, i’d already had the suspicion i’d been dealing with OCD after learning about it in my college psych 101 class. ever since i was 8 years old, i’ve had awful intrusive thoughts regarding my faith, and i’d combat them through repeating prayers or little sayings over and over again in my head. i’ve been doing this for over ten years now. i have other intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (if i really have OCD) , too, but that’s the bulk of it. here’s the reason i’m writing this, though: the medications i’ve been taking haven’t helped much, so i think i need therapy, but therapy makes me nervous. i’ve been taking anti anxiety medication for roughly 5 years, so when i told my psychiatrist i was dealing with intrusive thoughts, he was really surprised because the medication i was on is used to treat OCD all the time. he’s tried a couple different changes to my medication, but none have worked, which leads me to believe i might need therapy to bridge the gap. therapy terrifies me, though, because i have this sinking feeling that if i seek out therapy, my therapist will discover i’ve been lying about my symptoms without me even knowing that i’ve been lying, if that makes any sense. i’m sorry this is so long. i guess i’m looking for some encouragement.

How would I book an emergency appointment? I’m having a bit of an ocd crisis over here lol

Relapsing bad. Can anyone talk😔😭 I feel like I’m spiraling. Please help.

I got very triggered today. I’ve been doing so good, but I read a couple of posts on here that were very triggering for me. I saw a one that it is more likely for this theme to be true and people find out they are actually gay at the end of it and then another one that had said they hadn’t figured it out yet and the just scared me. I don’t want to be gay. I have never looked at women or wanted to be with them until this hit me. It has caused me the deepest distress. I have lost all attraction towards males but now feel false attraction to females and it sets me off. I feel as if I have lost myself through out this. I do not know who I am or what I want. I just want my old life back before this. I constantly get the thoughts of “what if I am gay and just lying to myself” “what if it isn’t false attraction” “what if after all of this I find out I am gay” I’m just having a bad day, and I want this affliction to go away. I see posts where people have had it for years and it stresses me out. What if I never get better? What if these thoughts stay with me forever. I’m just struggling today.

Has anyone read the story about the off duty pilot that tried to shut down the plane’s engine mid flight? He was apparently a good guy who would never intentionally do something like that, but he had a “mental breakdown” and thought he was in a dream and didn’t realize what he was doing. He also claimed he was having a panic attack right before his actions. He’s now in jail and his life seems ruined. This has really triggered my harm OCD because it feels like it goes against everything we learn in treatment about intrusive thoughts and are ability to not act on them. I often get panic attacks on flights and have deep fears about opening the emergency exit or causing a scene on the plane. I was at a point where I felt confident I would never act on these thoughts because they go against everything I would ever want to do and would be completely out of character for me. But this story is undoing all of the progress I’ve made in that area.

I feel progress in allowing my thoughts pass by without reaction, but I am still falling to my skin picking disorder and would like to see more focus on that behavior

I reminded my bf that I have been getting anxious and nervous about anything remotely sexual lately and he was sad and distanced himself from me. Then later I tried bringing up solutions and said if he’s ever unsure if I’m uncomfortable with something like kissing, he can ask or I can let him know (I’m usually hesitant to because I don’t want him to act distant for the rest of the night like what happened earlier, I hate that feeling). I told him I think the best solution would be for him to just ask because it’s easy and good communication. He said he just won’t touch me at all and I told him I’m really not okay with that because I’m actually very physically affectionate, love hugging and kissing, and I already tell him often that it feels like he’s distant when it comes to that. He called me selfish for saying I’m not okay with him just not showing me any physical affection… because it’s all about what I want and that the root issue is my mental health needs to be treated so why are we “dancing around it” by trying to come up with solutions to help in the present. I know I shouldn’t be posting here but I feel so hopeless. He has called me selfish multiple times before and it feels like every time I try to bring up something like this it turns into an argument because he thinks I’m “coming at him” or “scolding him” so now it feels like all of my obsessions about being in a toxic relationship or about his behavior being really messed up are true. Because I know that it’s bad what he’s done.

I constantly believe that the words “I blas—— the H——G——,” are an unforgivable sin, and I cannot get them out of my head.

Yesterday i tried to come out a little bit of my comfort zone and went for a wedding with a friend. My friend went to the bathroom first and i feel like she might have touched something contaminated then we went in the same car. Now i am anxious over all the thoughts bcz i feel she might have touched my dress but i am not sure. She grabbed a sweater which was just beside me so i am anxious she might have touched my clothes but i cannot even wash it as this is a long maxi dress with a big flare. I just rubbed it with wet hands. But if i am not 100% sure then why these thoughts are disturbing me. When i came back home and changed i feel like everything else is also contaminated. She touched plates and food and everything thing else there which made me more anxious and i was just trying to get a plate from the middle and obviously i was looking weird for doing such things. Then one lady told me to pass her a bowl of meat which my friend has already touched so i didnt want to be rude due to which i couldnt say no but i touched it from a side and passed her. It was a terrible experience and now i am thinking to wash the whole earth and everything in it bcz then i came home and touched everything. This is not possible and i dont even remember which things are contaminated so i am just sitting anxious with these thoughts and cant do anything. I really dont want to throw my maxi which i just wore once and is really expensive but i am unable to wear it ever bcz i feel it is really contaminated and will contaminate everything else. What should i do now???

i’m having a hard time with the concept of people having soocd and it coming true. is it more likely for those with soocd to have their ocd fear come true than pocd? it’s so hard because people say ocd is ocd but then it seems like some themes can really manifest?

I missed my Zoloft dose this morning… will you his cause the medication to stop working if I take it again in the morning?

I’m almost there in breaking my skin picking obsession. It’s a team effort. And we’re doing beyond great.

Today I was brave enough to go out, together with my toddler, and walk to the church house, where I was going to meet the priest to have a chat about my struggles. As the Lutheran church has been so welcoming to me, I felt entitled to do so. The priest has been so kind every time I have met him, that I was very confident about today, and despite the very harsh weather (we were -17°C with feels like -24°C) I would much preferred to have stated home, but I didn't. I did my best to be there. Still I didn't make it on time. I had to call the priest 2 times to apologize and let him now we were almost there. I explained him, my baby girl she is still slow to walk in so much winter clothing and shoes, and it was so cold. I somehow knew I shouldn't have gone there. But I thought it was my OCD sending me negative or intrusive thoughts. The priest wasn't the same today, he seemed to disconnected from the conversation, he wasn't happy today, he seemed bored and not interested in talking, I got confused and uncomfortable, since he invited me to go and talk. He insisted me on saying hello to the deacon there, but I was very scared to so so, since she just came back yesterday from Africa, she was there more than a month. So I was so worried thinking: "what if" she brought a disease home? Since no one told me, what was she really doing there and where, they just said on service, it's not so hard to assume perhaps she was in some place assisting people in need and maybe suffering from some diseases. Still they introduced myself to her, she didn't seem any nice, she seemed to not to be eager to meet me, as in the past due to extreme fear and isolation I was into, I failed to visit her and talk to her I guess she must have remained me. She had handshake with me (which I got so nervous) and then she came close to my child to greet her. But I got even more nervous. After all, I came home, took long shower, gave one long shower to my toddler also. I couldn't handle the anxiety about: "what if the deacon is ill without having visible symptoms yet, since she had to take several planes and being at airports, and maybe to have been around people who was very vulnerable and ill? So I decided to send an sms to a colleague of the deacon, I have met her a couple of times and she seemed nice. After I wrote the message, before I even sent it I thought I didn't want my question to be misunderstood and get them upset with me or think something wrong, so I asked to the chatgpt to re write the message in a very respectful way. So the AI did it. I sent it, it took several hours until I got a response. When I got the response I was so hurt by her words. She never even answer my questions. She just said something like this: Paulina, I'm so sorry to hear you feel this way, I'm worried and very convinced you need professional help with all of this... Among other few words she wrote. I felt like she tried to say that I'm crazy. It's something I have noticed here, people tends to be rude or to sharp to say things about mental health. To suffer from anxiety and OCD its not to be crazy or insane. To struggle from this psychological disorders doesn't make me stupid, crazy or dangerous. I suffer from this all the day every day. It makes my life a hell, the last thing I need is someone being rude and treating me as a crazy or mentally impared person. I'm not. After thinking a while about germs words I wrote her an answer and I cried my eyes out. I feel more calm now. But it feels so hard to live in a society where people has so much ignorance about OCD and how badly affects the life on the individuals who suffer from it. I wish people was more empathetic, kind and supportive. Instead being harsh and rude. The only good thing here is I was outside with my daughter, and I tried despite all, to recognize my effort and to feel I did one thing different today. I hope someone can share with me if you

to shorten a very long story, my ocd got "formally" triggered when i was but 17 years old. i was reading a book with really triggering topics and suddenly the thought of "what if i am..." popped into my head, i spiralled into my first ocd episode of my entire life and it nearly killed me. everything got stripped away from me, my family, music, movies, tv, playgrounds, reading, my mind, everything. i was grieving the loss of my entire life, entire self. from the moment i woke up to when i fell asleep in the early hours of each morning i would have obsessively intrusive thoughts/images, compulsions and i would ruminate and go through rituals for about 12 hours a day. in the span of 3 days, my entire life had been flipped upside down, hourly panic attacks, constant earth shattering anxiety. i lost everything. it felt like my world split and i, along with everything i once loved and cherished was gone. i prayed every night to a god i do not believe to either kill me or take whatever it was in my head away. at that time, pure ocd was not spoken about as much and i couldn't find anything at all about it online. i tried to kill myself, was in hospital, did not get taken seriously because i was too afraid to share my intrusive thoughts with anyone at all. this continued for a while, i withered away, i stopped eating, i was bed bound, i self harmed, i was no longer a person. i lost hope in anything that ever mattered to me, in being a sister, girlfriend, and a mother one day. those things where no longer possible for me with the ocd themes i struggled with. it was simply out of the question. however, i am extremely lucky with the people in my life that surround me, i have an incredible mother, boyfriend and best friend who all thought for me, did not judge me for my thoughts and supported me to the best of their ability. things were starting to look up, they gave me the reassurance that i was normal, and that i am not those things my head tells me i am, that the intrusive images i get are normal. however as we all know, reassurance only makes things better for a very short while. just like that, my ocd got worse and i grieved once again. i remember googling once, if there is a cute for ocd, or if there will ever be a way to get rid of it, the answer was no. that was the reason for another suicide attempt. i felt utterly hopeless, all i knew is that i could not live the rest of my life like this, in fear, in avoidance, in heartbreak. even there was proof it could get better, i did not believe that i would ever be okay as long as any part of ocd resides in me. i was so wrong. my boyfriend, who i have most of my recovery to thank for, found out about ERP therapy, signed me up and paid for me as i was not in the financial position to do so myself and though i had given up hope long ago, i gave ERP a shot, for the sake of my loved ones. several months later, i really started doing better, applying everything i have learned and gained from ERP into real life. every day tasks became doable, me and my partner started trying to be intimate again since that was an impossiblity in the worst of my ocd, i started spending time with children, animals and slowly but surely living became a possibility to me once again. i had my down moments, even days, weeks or sometimes months where my ocd felt relentless again, but i fought hard not to lose hope, as i saw that even with ocd, i sometimes had days and even weeks of peace, where it was quiet, manageable and did not take away the joy out of life. i kept working so hard with ERP, both in therapy and in day to day life. now a couple of years later, i am no longer in therapy, i am a better sister than i have ever been before, there is nothing i cant watch, listen to or read, even though yes, i still get triggered, i no longer avoid and with time, i know even those triggers will become light work. i once again cannot wait to be a mother. i even work within childcare now! i couldnt even bare to walk past a school or playground a few years ago. i wouldn't say i have overcome ocd, but truthfully sometimes there is a couple of months at a time where i dont even motive it, at all. yes, admittedly, sometimes it pokes its ugly head out and demands my attention but with hard work, i am able to deal with it. it is still scary at times, but i am no longer debilitated by it. one thing that ocd has taught me is to never take anything for granted, it can all be so easily stripped away. i promise you all, there is hope, and it is not fair that we have to fight so hard for things that come to most so easily, but i swear it is worth it, you will survive ocd, you will be happy and glad you stayed.

Has anyone else gone through a long period of unemployment? I have been unemployed for 4 years now. I quit my job due to mental health stressors, then the pandemic happened, then my mental health got even worse (to the point where just existing day to day can be a huge struggle). My girlfriend has a high income and has been fine with me being unemployed and working on my mental health, but I feel like I’ve taken advantage of that. (Why in earth was I OK with letting her support me in this way for so long?) I feel so ashamed and lazy. I’m applying for jobs now (and struggling due to the huge gap in my employment and my still very poor mental health). I feel like even if I get a job now, I will still feel so consumed by the guilt and shame of being a useless member of society for 4 whole years. I am just so sad and tired and I feel like I’ve messed up severely in every area of life. And I am terrified to go back to work because of how severe my OCD still is. But I feel like such a burden on my gf, and I know things have to change. Has anyone else overcome anything similar? How do you get over the guilt and shame?

All I’ve ever wanted is for my Mom to understand me. I try. I try so hard to explain but nothing ever comes out right. Idk what else to do. If your own mother, who brought you into this world, looked at you with disgust every second of every day.. what would you do? If your own family’s love is only ever conditional… is there such thing as unconditional love? I thought that was the point of “family”??? What do I need to do to be less of burden to the people around me? I only ever want to make people happy. That’s what makes me happy. This can be a good and bad thing. Good, well..because who doesn’t want to make others happy? Bad, because i sometimes go overboard. I forget about self love, self care and self worth and those 3 things should come before loving someone else. I end up losing myself and burning myself out all to appease the people around me. To make sure they are still happy and striving even if im suffering in silence. I’m burnt out now. I can no longer fake it till i make it. I’m lost and don’t know what to do. Where to go. Who to trust. Any advice would be highly appreciated if you stayed long enough to read all of this