Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Is it possible to even love life again? Or will this guilt/shame/depression be forever?

hello everyone! I wanted to share my story and see if anyone has any information that could help or would want to chat about PANDAS. I first got strep in February of this year, then again in March twice, and another time in April. Along with that I had scarlet fever, mono, and covid, all within the time frame as well. My ENT just ran a lab culture and found I’ve been carrying strep even after I was healthy. I recently started experiencing panic attacks and extreme anxiety which felt as though it came out of no where. So I’ve been doing CBT therapy and recently saw a psychiatrist who linked a lot of my symptoms to PANDAS - obsessive thoughts, trouble sleeping, etc. Does anyone else deal with PANDAS? Is there anything I should do to be medically safe? A lot or my anxiety and obsessive thoughts surround my health so this would bring me a lot of peace. Is there anything I can practice daily at home to see improvements? Please reach out!!

You may already know it: Recovery from OCD is not linear. In OCD in particular there can be so many various phases of recovery instead of just a before and after. Lapses and relapses can be a part of the experience, along with a gradual or sudden fluctuation of symptoms. You may notice your Intrusive Thoughts shift from topic to topic or that some of the same themes can circle back in. The most important part of it all? --> The content really does not matter! The treatment is exactly the same. You can never know less about getting better from OCD than you do right now.

I’m feeling so overwhelmed and sad. My thoughts are causing me such distress and sadness. This is not me, but I am having a hard time remembering who the real me is. I feel hopeless and terrified. I started some medication over the weekend and I have my first appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but it is taking everything I have to hold on. I can’t imagine feeling like this every day for the rest of my life. I’m sorry for the drama, but I could use a little pep talk from someone who has gotten through this and is on the other side of it. All I want to do is feel like myself again.

I have found out is that my false feelings and attraction is gone, before I look at women I don’t feel attached or attracted to them, but now its back, also ruminating about my childhood memories I don’t do that anymore. I also stopped watching movies and YouTube because i felt scared but now I’m doing that and also stopped calling my male friends because I didn’t want to get aroused when we talk but now we’re talking. They only thing that it’s making this worse is the Groinal Before intrusive thoughts pops up now it feels like I’m the one put it in my head on purpose to see if i want it and it backfires with a movement down there

Any natural vitamins? I was prescribed sertraline for my anxiety and OCD.. but i have yet to take it because reading the reviews has scared me.. i’ve tried a lot but haven’t really stuck with anything long enough.. happy saffron plus gave me horrible headaches but i do think it boosted my mood but i’ve been praying heavily also so i can’t give all credit to that.. but i’ve gotten off and feel like blah again.. anybody tried magnesium?

How do I tell the difference between Sexual Orientation OCD and actually being... a lesbian? I am in a longterm committed relationship with a man (who is pan) and i am afab kindaaaa cis? im not sure. i am CONSTANTLY questioning everything about myself. people say that questioning is beautiful and a part of life but i know that my OCD is probably making it a bigger deal (mental load and relationship wise) than it should be. I never even considered OCD could be a thing in this way before I got on this app! since me and my bf started dating i have explored a whole range of expressions, identities and even sexualities as my boyfriend encourages me to still explore my sexuality outside of him. I recently told him I wanted to abstain from sex for self-growth reasons and he has fully supported me through these months. The thought that "oh I might actually be a lesbian, how would I possibly navigate that? Do I really love him? Am I faking this entire thing? How is this fair to him?" has crossed my mind a few thousand times in the past few weeks. The thoughts were always lingering in the back of my head but turning 22, exploring my masculinity again and feeling sorta distant from him has made me all.. weird. when he says he loves me i feel weird. when he kisses me i feel weird. i still love him, i still hug him and want to cuddle. but i can't get rid of the thought that maybe i actually am gay. or maybe i'm only attracted to girls bc of my OCD? is that even possible ????!!!!! can a queer person PLEASE help me out here. i will take any insight i can get.

Well my OCD is odd. I’m sure everyone says the same thing. I’ve tried to identify it but about as close as I get is to Just Right OCD but even that doesn’t sound right. There is no anxiety attached to my obsessive thoughts and no intrusive thoughts unless intrusive thoughts are thoughts that trigger compulsions. I seem to have more a compulsive/ritual based disorder. Though I do have an obsessive nature the obsessions don’t seem to have a nexus with the compulsions. The compulsions are mostly in my head and like Mental rituals - sequencing and arranging thoughts into a particular order. Anything can fail the routine and to have to start again. There are ad hoc routines triggered by thoughts and then there are set routines - every time before I leave the house, eat a meal, before I go to bed. The mental rituals usually have a theme of death. Thoughts of death or deceased people or even old people will reset the routine. Coughing, an itch, my phone giving me a notification will also fail the routine and I start over again. It almost feels like I am playing a game with obstacles but I can’t move on to the next thing until I complete the routine. What sub type do I have ? Do I even have OCD?

I have such a hard time with criticism or people not liking me. I definitely don’t think I’m undeserving of criticism, but it’s very difficult for me to deal with. Any tips?

Hey guys. I just did my ERP I focused on meta-ocd today. I’m not exactly sure why but I also don’t wanna continue to ruminate and try to figure out why I’m feeling anxious. All day the anxiety has been in my chest, rising and falling. All day the anxiety has been in my chest continuously going up and down. When this happens, it causes me to try and find the reason behind it. I am kind of emotional and my brain is trying to figure out why that is. I don’t really have any real reason other than my OCD, and focusing on the fact that I have OCD and wishing that I didn’t. I kind of want to cry and during ERP I almost let myself. I’m really afraid of becoming depressed again. When I feel like this, I focus on every tiny detail from the big ones to the small ones. I want to go home and see my boyfriend and I want to see my dog but then my OCD focuses on the fears that I might lose them or I might fall out of love or we might break up or I might lose my dog or my boyfriend will leave me etc. so when I try to find comfort in my loved ones, OCD attacks that as well and it is really frustrating. I am just so afraid of ever going back to that dark place that I was when OCD first took grip of my life last summer. I’ve come such a long way, and I feel like a broken record at this point, but the fear is still so real that I can become so depressed again. I would never wish OCD or depression on my worst enemy because it is really difficult having to go through life when your brain is constantly making, you question and doubt in fear, and just have anxiety for no reason even when you don’t have intrusive thoughts. I’m just feeling a little bit discouraged today and I’m trying to acknowledge the uncomfortable feelings and let them be there and let them rise and fall but I think I just need to know that I’m not alone in this right now and I hope that that’s not reassurance seeking, but it makes it easier to deal with my symptoms when I know that other people will have the same kind of situation. I really think that it’s meta-OCD that I’m struggling with today, of course, with a mixture of our rOCD as usual I know I will be OK and I have to except the fact that maybe I will become depressed again the difference between that and now is that I have the tools to work through it. I’m just scared and I’m a little bit tired, I hope everybody else is having a wonderful day

Trying to figure out and checking whether I'm attracted to men or not doesn't work anymore, if i imagine kissing a man i no longer feel disgusted(i don't enjoy it either, i can't decide i enjoy it or not )and that is telling me I'm gay, till 6 hours ago i was fine now it is getting more real and real,i really need help!!!

So, this morning on my tiktok fyp, a video showed up that was like a "all p3dos deserve to die/be tourtered slow horrible deaths" and 95% of the comments were agreeing and saying things like "slayyy" or "why not make it more fun? (Insert tourture method here) and while the video wasn't really huge or anything (it only had I think 50k likes? which sounds like a lot but it really isn't for tiktok) it was still so anxiety inducing for me. And not only was it kind of triggering for me (OCD making me feel like all these people want me, personally, dead) but there were a few comments that said "yes unless they're getting therapy/haven't and won't act on it" which I 100% agree with, but it also makes me feel weird that I'm even defending some p*dos in the first place? Bc I know it's not something they can choose and it's distressing but am I the only one who's tired of the low effort/mindless arguments of "all p3dos should die tehe ♡" instead of people discussing real ways to help prevent child abuse and treat actual p*dohpiles? Bc I don't think these people realize saying things like this only pushes them further into dark corners that prevent them from seeking help and killing themselves (which a lot of people think is a good thing) and idk if it's odd that I'm so like... defensive about it? Not even defensive really but more just like, idk empathetic towards it. Bc, if my ocd is constantly telling me that I'm a p*do and has me convinced I am one a lot of the time, it's probably worse for real p*dos who are sure in their identity and suffering and need treatment but are too scared to. Idk man it just feels sticky and you can't even voice an alternate opinion without being accused of being one yourself (which is even MORE triggering if you have pocd) so idk is this just me? Am I being too sensitive? Or crazy?

So this post is hard to write but I feel alone rn. I suddenly had a memory of when I was a kid (8 years old maybe, maybe 9) and my brother and I decided to experiment and touch each other’s butts. He is 3 years younger than me - I think we knew at the time that was wrong because it was when our parents weren’t around. I don’t remember much else other than that occurrence and not another one after that. When I was younger, other kids (friends, cousins, etc.) experimented with me in similar ways (all innocent of just looking or touching body parts). But now I feel extreme guilt for these memories. I know we were children and didn’t have a real understanding of what sex was, but it makes me nervous if there is a memory I’m forgetting or something. I only have the one memory with my brother but what if there is more? I know children experimenting is considered very normal since they are learning about the body, but has anyone else dealt with this guilt from it? I’m just worried I’m suppressing a memory and there’s something even worse that I forgot that happened with my brother. It’s all I can think about right now and I’m combing through my memories to check. And when I stop checking I immediately feel the need to check again to make sure I didn’t forget something. Any advice would be great.

I'm 35 I had to move back home 2 years ago due to declining mental health. Yesterday my mom, step father and I were about to watch a movie when my mom lit a candle. I've had a reaccuring thought, image and urge to light my hair on fire and have had this theme pop back up strong in the last month. I love candles, I buy them I physically light them. I sit with them lit, I have a lighter on my dresser all for exposure and it does help obviously that's the point of ERP. However when my mom lit the candle I just said out loud "oh no not the candle" which put my step dad into a huge rage. He started going off about how my family has to walk on eggshells because of me and I just need to deal with it and work through my issues (which I do and I have been for years) but as people with mental illness we know it's not always so cut throat, it's not always black and white. We will still struggle. I take 10mg of buspar and it doesn't really help my anxiety and I'm too afraid to go up to 15 even though the doctor said I could. I already have an appointment to see her Friday and I've had really bad reactions to antidepressants so I'm scared of those and my step dad just kept saying the worst most horrid things to me. Saying I need to take more medication and when I said I do take it he said I need to take something else then. Like that's f**king easy for someone who doesn't struggle with health ocd and a severe anxiety disorder. Then he started saying I need to go live somewhere else and be in a mental hospital or a home or something like I'm just some crazy person who needs to be locked up. I've been to 2 mental hospitals 3 times. Obviously it's not a place for longtime care it's for stabilization and it's a VERY traumatic experience in my opinion especially when they won't let you leave when you've checked yourself in. He proceeded to say I need therapy when my mom and I told him we can't afford therapy. I'm sorry but I just can't afford the 210.00 sessions NOCD is charging. I'm on medicaid and unemployed because of this. I see a councilor or peer specialist or whatever she is through a local walk in center and she's been great and it helps to have someone to vent too but let's be honest, am I actually getting the help I need with someone who's not properly trained to treat these disorders??? And I've been dealing with this for years with therapists not helping me. The whole situation was f*cking horrible and left me in tears and just feeling like a pos, an outcast and a loser. He even said I was better off in Colorado then I am living with them here In Arizona but I had my own apartment and was still driving. Um, I couldn't even work or pay my rent my old roommate had to pay ot for me for years and just cause I was driving doesn't mean I was doing better. I was in mental torment daily, getting drunk everyday and was EXTREMELY suicidal. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with people like this who are committed to misunderstanding you, or if anyone can share their experiences they've had with people in their own lives who are bullies just because you struggle with mental illness.

It’s 3AM almost I gotta get up early but my heart is pounding and my mind is absolutely consumed by comparison to friends on social media. Is it jealousy? Is it envy? Of course I want my friends to succeed but I also feel worthless and a like of piece of shit because I’m not succeeding and I feel like a failure. I have a lot of fears and I hold myself back. I keep falling back into bad habits on my phone social media. Pornography and masterbating ( can’t spell it) I’m disappointed in myself. If I’m alone and stressed I fall back for podcasts, YouTube, and self pleasure which doesn’t bring happiness it’s just to numb myself and distract myself. I don’t have therapy or haven’t had therapy in a while my guards are way too high for therapy it’s been a while. I feel like shit I hate going on instagram and immediately seeing something I don’t have or haven’t done or feeling behind for my age. I still haven’t got over this. I know everyone has their own path, I know I got my own goals, life, etc but I still struggle with this emotionally. I think this stems from me wanting to be seen, accepted, to be worth it in the eyes of others or validated. I want to be recognized and respected I think I like having attention and feeling number one which is all my ego. I don’t think I had proper love or validation from my parents and I was compared to other cousins from my parents and even my own father saying he’s scared to mention me to my uncles because I haven’t done something great. I don’t feel enough but I don’t admit that or realize that. Even being aware and saying this out loud still doesn’t solve the damn issue and help me move on.

Why do my feelings switch so fucking fast?? Last week I was so confident and could shrug off the anxiety because I knew everything was fake. This week I feel like it’s all true, I have these super convincing „romantic“ feelings that come out of nowhere 🫠 Then when I force myself to check and test by not avoiding kids and I look at them, I can kind of „control“ how I feel?? Like I force myself not to feel weird or anxious and sometimes it kind of works but leaves me more confused because when these weird feelings hit its mostly when kids are in the area but not visible or when someone talks about kids. I just want it all to disappear and be back to normal again😭

It’s really hard starting something with someone who also struggles with anxiety and depression, I’ll never stop trying with him I’ve fallen hard and I don’t wanna let go, but it feels like he’s pushing me away. He’s changed and he’s explained to me that he’s just not feeling great he’s really struggling and I’ve supported the only way I can and I will continue to do so, when he’s struggling he needs to know he has me, and I’ll always do that. It’s just he’s stopped being the way he was with me, he used to call me cute names and message with just a lil bit of difference and my ocd brain has decided to target that. It’s convincing me that it’s me I’m the issue, he’s had enough of me he’s not wanting me. It’s telling me I’m doing it all wrong that I’m annoying him and he’s finished with me. Even though last night I said I’ll always be here for you and he said that’s what I need so idk I know he’s not trying to make me feel this way but it’s just with my obsessive thinking I can’t stop. He’s always very good at reassuring me, but during this situation I’m not wanting to make it about myself sk I’m trying hard to suppress these feelings. He’s also turned his snap maps off which was what the last guy did to tell me he’s done so I’m trying very hard to stop thinking right now

How do you move on when your real events are actually really bad? (Hurting, deceiving, taking advantage of people you love.) How do you even know it’s OCD when the things you’re obsessing over actually deserve a lot of reflection and repercussions? I feel like a fraud when I try to accept that I likely have OCD (strongly suggested by my therapist, doing ERP). I obsess mainly over absolutely awful real events in which I was practically devoid of any kind of moral compass. I feel like other people’s real events are so tame compared to mine. I feel like I’m losing my mind today.

I actually started feeling almost numb today after watching some couple getting married and that for some reason triggered something aha 😅. Like right now me and my bf are watching anime and he’s being silly and cute but I don’t feel anything in my stomach or that lovey dovey and this does happen to me every now and then randomly and it’s making me think that “what if I actually don’t love him and I’ve just been faking it or convincing myself?” Or “what if this is how I truly feel when I’m not anxious?” But honestly I try not to act on it and don’t try to like end my relationship cause of it. But it is such a hard thing to deal with and it makes me feel guilty and uneasy and I just don’t like this feeling cause it’s messing with my head and now I don’t know what’s real or what isn’t real. I also notice that now when I think about my boyfriend I get that tense feeling in my stomach again and it makes me panic thinking that he’s the problem (btw he’s done nothing wrong and treats me with respect and love) when In reality my anxiety is the problem. I don’t really know what to do other than just sit with it and not do anything rational just cause I started feeling this way randomly for an hour or two.

Hello all, i’ve been on fluvoxamine for just over 4 weeks and i was on 50mg for 2 weeks and now i’ve been on 100mg for over 2 weeks. My psychiatrist wants to get me up to 150mg but i’m a little nervous to go up higher. Is anyone else on 150mg? and how long have you been on to go up to 150mg? Also they told me i cannot drink alcohol at all. Has anyone drank alcohol on fluvoxamine? Do i just have to wait til my body is used to the meds? bc i’m still young and i feel like i’m missing out not being able to drink a little when i go out with my friends.