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sometimes i ruminate without realizing i'm even ruminating until it's too late and the thoughts have already taken hold of me. how do i fix this? i feel like i have become my disorder. i'm so lost

Hi everyone! I live where the California earthquake hit yesterday morning and it was right when I was flying home from college on the east coast. The quake was bad, and we finally got power back but no gas. Ofc no gas = no stove, no heat, etc. they are going door to door to try to get gas working in homes and make sure everyone is safe, but my OCD is freaking out. I’m already so “just right” about Christmas and this adds a terrible layer. What if we can’t have our normal Christmas dinner? I feel like everything is totally ruined. I’m so worried and anxious. On top of it all, my cat is dying and he keeps peeing on everything and so we can’t have presents under our tree, or the sitting room organized for Christmas because he keeps accidentally ruining stuff from peeing on it. It doesn’t feel like Christmas and it’s not perfect and oh boy I am FREAKING out.

I’ve been trying to experience my anxiety rather than pushing it away. But I feel like it resets at the start of the day. Like everytime I wake up I go through it again, with the same intensity. I’m back with my old therapist, I dropped her because I wasn’t able to afford it for a while. I don’t know how long this will take, but everyday it’s the same intensity, I feel discouraged when this is the case. What if I can experience it much longer? Like I can feel super anxious for long periods of time? I remember, 2 years ago, I was constantly worried for 1.5-2 months straight. Without a break. I’m scared I will go back to that place.

My son has ocd and Social anxiaty and He strouggles with both. Now he is in a position when he can’t go to University (architecture) because he has to have some kind of tactics where the anxiaty doesn’t overwhelm him and he feels good so he is able to hang out with his friends. Is this pushing the anxiaty of some kind or a compulsion because it exhausts him?

I have a problem regarding OCD false memories. Therefore, whenever there is something that might be trigger me at the future, I always write it down in notes or voice notes. but sometimes these notes or voice notes actually become a new kind of ocd for me. sometimes when i listen to my old voice note again, i feel why am i talking like this, am i being denial on this note, etc I’m so tired.

I tested myself by deliberately imagining suffocating someone with a pillow and I did get a surge of anxiousness but for some reason it felt like I liked the feeling of doing that horrible action and stopping someone from breathing. I have been having so many break downs and crying so hard and I’ve just started believing that I like the feeling of doing that and now I feel like I don’t know what to do. I feel sick and it’s just disgusting I feel terrible, was I a good person but now I’ve imagined doing that and suddenly Like doing that now? I really just want to be normal I’m scared I don’t want this to be my reality I just wanted a normal life, I just want to be happy and do things I enjoy but now I’ve got this disgusting feeling and I don’t even know if it’s true or not, is this ocd tricking me? But how can I misunderstand my feelings? And I keep having disgusting thoughts now that it feels good to do that and I feel terrible, I can’t live my life like this I don’t want to be bad or crazy, please say that ocd is tricking me, I don’t want to like the feeling of suffocating someone or hurting someone, I’ve always been a good person, I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone, I’ve always wanted to help people and loved helping people, what is this horrible thing I’m dealing with? Have I suddenly Discovered that I like doing this horrible thing and it makes me feel good?? Please I don’t want any part of this please

I’m just gonna call it schizophrenia OCD because why not since that’s all my ocd revolves around right now!! This is by far the most annoying theme I’ve had so far I’m sick and tired of thinking I’m going to go mentally crazy! I legit make up scenarios in my head that have to do with seeing things and hearing things and things coming after me and also stuff controlling my mind which I know isn’t true but my ocd of course is making it so believable 🙄 I’m just soooo afraid I’m going to get this mental disorder it’s not even funny… I can say this theme seems to be more difficult to manage because I have alot more what ifs I feel like then I did with my harm ocd which is weird ughhh well on the bright side I start my first erp session tomorrow so wish me luck also I don’t want to tell them what I’m going through because what If they say that’s what I have but I know I’m going to have to open up my best this is just so hard 😓😭

Hello, Everyone. I feel as though I’ve maxed my ability to control my OCD beyond the point I’ve reached and am now interested in trying some medications. Any recommendations? Thanks.

I’ve been struggling pretty bad the last few days but yesterday, I decided to refuse compulsions, though I’ll admit, I had slip ups of little self reassurances. It’s like they come to me naturally or automatically because I’ve done it so much. That’ll take some time I guess. Lol But, after I suffered through hours and hours of intense anxiety and tried to allow it to be background noise (which was super loud so it didn’t always feel like background noise) rather than front and center, I felt this crazy release and was able to do something I wasn’t able to do all day—namely, be around and enjoy someone without any fear. The clarity did come. I was so thankful to Jesus. Today has been a better day but I started struggling really bad again to where I feel that magnetic pull to compulsively pray and get reassurance from God and everyone else so I decided to try the SOS app. It did help me to get grounded and focused. I actually focused on the thought I was having and oddly felt relief from just being like “I don’t know and I don’t really have to know. I’ll just wait it out and wait for clarity.” I never ever thought I could feel relief from just being like “who knows?” Uncertainty literally scares the daylight out of me and makes everything feel a thousand times more real!! I mean, I still feel/felt anxiety but in a much more manageable way because I just allowed it to be there and felt like, “who knows?” Hoping this helps someone. I know this is so hard on all of us. I am praying for all of you. We can do this.

I had a question about OCD, how do I know when it’s something I have to heal/process as a normal human being going through struggles in life vs when it’s an OCD thought that I have to not engage with ?. For example, I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago, every-time I try to sit with the situation and process everything that happened I can’t help but ruminate and obsess about it for weeks. So when the thoughts pop up I don’t know if I should ignore them completely, or actually engage with the thoughts because I haven’t healed yet which means there’s a lot of cognitive reconstruction to do.

I’m sick with COVID and I dunno if it’s because I’m sick or what but I had the most intense dream about my “ex” and in the dream I was like begging him for an explanation as to why our situation went down so fucking bad and why he cheated. He pleaded that he still loved me and always will and some other things that may not make sense to non religious ( Jehovahs Witnesses ) people, but basically that he couldn’t do it and I said sort of the same but that I couldn’t do it and I don’t remember mentioning my current boyfriend (his ex best friend) but I swear in my dream I was like “I love my current bf”. I hope this isn’t confusing but it’s INTENSELY triggered me and this isn’t the first time it happened. Please tell me I’m not alone.

Is it possible for a memory to feel like an actual memory like a realisation like it happened and then later on it feels false?im scared that I’m just trying to convince myself it’s false because I don’t want it to be real.I’m absolutely terrified.

I believe I want freedom from ROCD… I’ve been testing myself over and over again to the point… I believe it… Doesn’t seem like I have the symptoms anymore but I know that can be a trick. I know I’ve read people thought they knew they didn’t love their partner but realized ROCD fooled them… I can’t tell if I am numb or not anymore… But sometimes it genuinely feels as though I wanna end the relationship. It feels like I don’t care anymore… But I know there is something deep down that is fighting to keep the relationship. Bc if breaking up was what I truly wanted then why haven’t I done it yet. I don’t know if I am going thru denial or not.. but I just want my relationship back.. I just wanna be able to cuddle at night again.. 😢💔 I just want things back to normal again…

Anyone did erp successfully if so how do you feel compared too before I just want too feel normal I hate my brain?

My last ERP therapist was aggressive. Not sure if it’s supposed to be that way but I always felt worse after our sessions. Is that suppose to happen? Can ERP not work for everyone?

Do you have any ideas/inspiration for exposures on partner-focused ROCD? I struggle with my partners physical flaws, it's very distressing for me even though I find it ridiculous that a simple thing like hair or face shape can cause me so much irritation. Furthermore I sometimes have problems with my partners behaviour, like making a lot of jokes or behing a bit hyperactive (this is mainly the case when I don't feel good/feel tired etc). I stopped confessing to people how I feel about his flaws. My main ritual is to constantly look at or think about the things that are bothering me and check my feeling. I ask myself If that means we are not compatible or if I don't find him attractive (enough), at the same time I have a lot of shame. I really want to work on this because I don't want this to destroy the wonderful thing I have. So I think I need to start doing the work. I'll also see him this Friday for the first time in over a month (due to ldr) and I'm a bit nervous how things will go. Any advice?

Does anyone else struggle to take medication? I am fine when it comes to over the counter medication, but I get very anxious when it comes to medications that treat anxiety/ocd… I’m working with a therapist right now in regards to it, but I had a bad experience with one medication and now it’s extremely difficult for me to want to take medication to get better, since I have anxious thoughts about the medication which makes me avoid it. I know it’s kinda ironic since the medication would help those thoughts, but I’m scared to have the symptoms and to feel sick. Can anyone relate to this?

The fact that ive been sexually abused by my exes and even my father makes it impossible to trust any male figure regardless of age. I constantly am up at night ( like right now at 4-5AM ) ruminating if theres anything else i remember them doing but it doesnt do me any help because i want to remember any little detail. Sometimes when im at the gym i find difficultly distinguishing whats really happening to whats not. I dont trust people coming up to me because my false memory tells me they raped me and “ i just dont remember it “ and it makes me so uneasy, i cannot trust anyone and im not okay with any sort of physical touch, it feels hopeless to get out of this void since all my OCD intrusive thoughts are sexual, incest, or rape because its what disturbs me the most and will ruin my day Immediatley. I had to leave the gym today because i couldnt stop crying because of my thoughts, theyre so distressing and being hyper aware of my body sensations dont help me one bit. Any advice is appreciated as i feel super hopeless at this point.

Feeling really down. It’s my birthday and my ocd has majorily spiked. It started getting bad on Sunday. Could use some encouragement

I talk to this one girl online, she’s the coolest and sweetest! But I think she’s going through a tough time with her illness and it just sounds like it keeps getting worse. I had a thought pop up saying “die” at one point, I feel like total shit for it. I was excited this morning because I felt great waking up but when I read her message I felt sorry for her and after a couple of seconds I got that intrusive thought and it felt like I meant it but damn, I know I don’t what the fuck 😔. Now I can’t stop thinking about it. And before I would have intimate thoughts of me and her doing things. but that one I think was legit. It’s cause I like her but when I look back at it it’s such a shitty thing to be thinking about. and yesterday I was with a group of friends and he was complaining about how this chick won’t message him quick and I said don’t worry man I talk to this one chick who I sent a text on Saturday but she just text back yesterday. Just trying to give him an idea like hey yours isn’t as bad as mine. But we’re not even like talking to be bf or gf. I just want to be happy but ocd is def making me feel guilty and wanting to confess to my online friend 😔!