Welcome to
the NOCD Community

Hey everyone, hope you’re doing okay, and if you’re not my heart is with you ❤️ I’m having a moral dilemma (well, 2 I guess) and I’ve been obsessing about it for a few weeks. Of course, I’ve only recently come to realize it might be OCD OCDing. 🙃 I met my cousin’s cousin (A) at a wedding and he’s so fine 😭 I have a crush on him. We have 0 blood relation, we simply have a mutual connection that happens to be a cousin (C). I’m related to C because my mom is her mom’s sister. A is related to C because his dad is her dad’s brother. We maybe technically?? met 12 years ago. C graduated high school, and we attended her graduation. A is I think 5 years younger than me. So A was 12/13 at the time, and I was 17. I don’t remember being formally introduced to him or ever speaking to him. I might have been told something like “that kid is C’s cousin” and I said “okay” without really glancing his way and proceeded to ignore him (I wanted to spend time with my cool older cousin C). I do remember seeing the back of his head when we walked into a restaurant after graduation, but he was sitting on the opposite end of the table from me, so we never interacted. He was also on my side of the long table, so when I’d look in that direction to talk to someone, I never saw him (and I wasn’t paying attention anyway). Like, I didn’t recognize him when the wedding began. That’s how much this guy is a stranger to me. I was sat by him during the dinner and got to chat with him a bit. He seems sweet and dang it he’s gorgeous… He’s 24ish? And I’m 29. So my moral dilemmas and feelings of disgust and shame come from me being American, and anything with a whiff of “cousin” being extremely taboo here. I’m worried about what my family and friends will say. And then also the dilemma of did I meet him when he was a kid??? Is having a vague memory of the back of his head making me a creepy bad person for liking him now? Or is this time that we were actually formally introduced at the wedding as adults the actual first time we met? I have talked to my mom, my aunt, and a friend. I still need to talk to C, but oh boy does that scare me. I’m sure C won’t hate me, but I’m still scared. Especially, what if A likes me too and wants to try dating? What will our families and people say? Will I even be comfortable with that, even though I like him? My mom said “it’s a little close” My aunt (C’s mom) said “oh sure you can crush on him, his mom would be so charmed to hear that” LMAO My friend said I can’t, but I think that was a knee jerk reaction to hearing the word cousin at all (like when I said he’s my cousin’s cousin). I did clarify theres no blood relation and we’re strangers. My friend asked how C would feel about it and I said idk, and that it’s like if C dated one of my cousins. It’d be a whole thing to process, those worlds colliding, but I wouldn’t hate them or feel like I had a right to tell them they can’t date. I’d just have to deal with my own discomfort and keep it my business. My friend asked me to send her a pic of him, and I did from the wedding pictures, and she responded with “I totally understand this crush” 😂😂 I think my friend is still a bit on my mom’s side of “it’s a little close” What’s gotten me obsessing, aside from just the worry, and feelings of disgust and shame, is that before meeting him I was hearing in tarot readings I listen to on YouTube that I was gonna meet someone soon, but it’d be a really slow thing. Welp, I’ve surely met someone I like 🙃 my compulsion is that I’ve been watching a ton of pick-a-card tarot videos on how A feels, the truth about my worries, the future of the connection, etc. My own oracle readings are saying my family would generally be fine with it or at least not hate me, he’d probably be down or at least endeared, and I’m not a creepy horrible terrible awful bad person. But “what if” right? I’ve come to realize just how much of my life is being consumed by this right now, and that’s when I started putting two-and-two together that I might be having OCD symptoms. Any advice? Especially from people with a history of ROCD, family themes, and limerence (I’ve had that with people a few times and am working to make sure that doesn’t happen here)? I’m definitely going to see him (A) again some day, but probably only for something big, like when C has a baby. If I move to their country or am vacationing there over Christmas, I might see him then too (I’ve thought about moving there for a few years now, that doesn’t have to do with A). So any advice on handling 1:1 interactions with a crush you’re ashamed to have would be great too lol.

My boifriend (they're nb the misspell is on purpose) is poly and I can't stop ruminating about something their husband said to them. It wasn't anything bad it was mostly neutral but it involved me and it is making me ruminate and it's all I can think about. But there's really not much to analyze or pick at so it's not even rumination that has any sort of temporary relief. I really have no clue what to do to stop it's been days now and I've already told my boifriend it made me ruminate.

I have a friend that I have now realized has feelings for me. And is being extremely possessive over me to the point that he's minorly stalking me and getting pissed off at my other friend's for spending time with me. I'm worried about his mental health because I know he's showing signs of like psychosis. He has like hallucinations that he talks to and names and gives like personalities and stuff, and I just don't know how to mellow out the friendship, because i've just been ghosting him. I've had multiple people that go to college with me reach out to me and ask how I'm doing. Because he is so possessive that he's making other people uncomfortable. We reached out to my college's r. A about the fact that he has hallucinations, but they can't do anything about it because he's an adult, and he can choose if he wants to go to therapy or not. I just don't know what to do. Because i'm worried that he might escalate, he has my schedule, he made me change my schedule from it just being blocked with college to all of my classes during that time period so he knows what classes I go to. And it makes me worried that he might try and have a conversation with me. In person, instead of online like he has been. It's been making my anxiety spike and my ocd get worse due to the stress from it just not sure what to do.

I was asking my mom a question because I’ve been reflecting a lot on childhood behaviors potentially having been undiagnosed anxiety and OCD (I’m diagnosed now as an adult). When I asked, she told me I am dramatic and that I’m so obsessed with having a disorder but that “you’re fine” and therefore, being overdramatic. Then she said she has characteristics but that these things don’t bother her. And I asked her if there was a fear associated with it like “do you do it because you’re afraid something bad will happen? Like you count the number of steps and it has to be a number of steps otherwise someone you live will die and then you had that thought so now you have to knock on wood over and over again just to prevent it from happening?” And she said “why would I think that? That’s irrational” and I told her “that’s OCD it’s an irrational thought that you obsesses over and a compulsion to relieve the anxiety, and both cause distress and affect your daily life” and when I tried explaining it to her she told me “that’s not ocd”. And now I’m here worried, as I’m writing this, that someone is going to read this and say that I said something wrong. And I’m not trying to discount anyone’s experiences. I just feel like a lot of people who don’t actually have OCD say they do. I just feel like no one else around me understands it and ever will. And I want a group where I can just talk about those frustrations with it- but all the OCD groups I find are just about skills or ERP. None involve “wow I hate this. Why does it have to be me?” That I think we be more therapeutic than learning skills. Being able to actually connect with someone about it. Idk, am I crazy?

My work ocd is my fear that I'll do something illegal & lose my license. So I got the suggestion to do something illegal as ERP. I can't...so I guess I'll continue having my work backlog till I get a trusted mentor. I hate my life.

The majority of OCD awareness and stories I've seen are truthful and serious. I always send support to those who are struggling no matter the severity or subtype... but I feel really alone in the overall community. (Ps. You guys obviously aren't the issue, this community is really kind.. 💜💜💜 I mean it by experience wise.) I experience common subtypes and fears, such as "What if I left _ out, What if _ happens, What if..." or "I'm scared I feel _, I don't want to _ but I still get thoughts of it" and etc. But at the same time I rarely hear people who say that they struggle with Real Events, events that DID happen and not the fear of it happening. The feeling of being the most evil person ever,, there's a couple of you guys who experience the same here but I NEVER see the same outside of this app. I feel like my Real Events make me iredeemable and I'm worse than everyone else even though I don't want to be. I hate my past so much, to where my present feels tainted and it just makes me want to leave earth. My own name feels tainted knowing that it's a part of me, apart of my life.. I laugh when people make jokes of my name or just pronounce it, but deep inside I feel gross and dirty. Even my nickname is now tainted, and I'm trying to come up with a new way to call myself that only I can say as a solution. Or with my other main themes, obsession with my looks. Not in an insecurity way but in a way that I feel wrong, that I don't belong at my family since I'm scared I'm just so different and BASIC looking which leads to ancestry OCD. (Which has gotten REALLY time consuming.) I've never met anyone who's experienced the same issue. Or maybe about my obsession with colors, personality, self presentation. Etc.. And of course I'm dealing with the usual Taboo OCD, POCD, Racism OCD, Moral OCD, False Memory, Gender OCD and SO-OCD is resurfacing, and Contamination OCD has gotten me again, thanks to one of my classes at school. And more. And with younger/8( 9 ) year old me,, don't get me started with the sad and interesting situations I've gotten into because of OCD. I don't know. I just feel like even many people with OCD might find me insane. :^( I can't depict myself as anything else but a different species lunatic now.

I’m struggling while getting back on an SSRI. It’s been a week and I’m constantly restless, anxious, and not sleeping well. It’s making my thought patterns spiral and think there’s something else going on instead of just the side effects from the meds. I’ve only just begun with NOCD, so I’m having a really hard time breaking out of this negative thought cycle.

I have some questions!

It's been months since I last posted to this website. I thought I was getting better and learning to establish better boundaries. For a minute, I could live with myself despite the things I did as a teenager. Because I thought at the end of the day, I was only a kid when I did those things. It wouldn't erase the harm in them and it shouldn't ever, but I thought because I had these signs of OCD instead of not caring or getting off from them, I needed therapy to get back to where I was before this all started and be the assertive and moral person I want to be. I took comfort knowing those things happened because I was a dumb kid and not someone intentionally hunting vulnerable people down, so there was still time to fix it and I'd be able to protect others instead of hurting them But I started seeing these exposed documents all over Twitter even after I muted the words and my intrusive thoughts and compulsions started feeding on my past actions again. I have been relying on AI for reassurance, clarity and advice and I'm not sure it's going anywhere anymore. I feel like I'm a threat to minors again and I'll always be a groomer for what I did. But it's weird because I recently discovered that I myself was groomed by my ex friend. We didn't have a large age gap but it was everything else that made it grooming My intrusive thoughts and compulsions have been trying to turn it back on me by bringing up what I did and how it affected others. I don't even know if I can talk about it anywhere but with a therapist because it's super disturbing. But it's been telling me that if what my ex friend did was grooming, then that makes me a predator too. I keep analyzing my thoughts and trying to seek certainty but I don't know if I'm only avoiding accountability for my actions by doing that. What I did was deeply messed up and nothing can ever justify it. I worry about the people I hurt a lot even if it could be creepy, and I wish I could have only said no and draw lines and boundaries instead of letting things happen. I was so reckless and a pushover as a teenager and I know I can't take that back no matter how much accountability I take and how much I "prove" I'm not that person anymore I can no longer look at certain fictional characters and media without spiraling. Some time ago, I temporarily went back to looking at a child character and simply shrugging it off and telling myself any groinals was the stress and intrusiveness talking. But now I struggle to look at any character under 18, even if they're an adult for most of that media without worrying about whether or not I'm a pedophile. I stopped looking at a specific character I found attractive because of this and that character instead became a trigger for spirals I have also been dealing with contamination compulsions, specifically with bathroom problems. My hands feel dirty whenever I use the bathroom, and I agree it's good to wash your hands after you use the bathroom, but it's been stressing me out. It's not as bad as the pedophilic intrusiveness and compulsions but it's been something I have been noticing and wanting to say somewhere The good news is that I have insurance now. I'm praying that after getting my card, that I'll be able to see a therapist so I can at least find a way to deal with this in a healthy way. Even rn I'm trying to resist the urge to text crisis again because these spirals make suicide and reassurance seeking tempting. I'm only slightly better than I was earlier this year and that really sucks. I was doing so good for a few weeks and it came crashing down again. I'm so tired

So I’m not as knowledgeable with medication for OCD or for any mental illness for that matter. I never took a prescription and my past therapist never prescribed me one. But I guess I do have some certain questions about medication for ocd though? (Also I’m sorry if these are obvious answers) 1. Does medication stop you for having compulsions, rumination, etc.? 2.What were some positive or negative symptoms you had with certain medications? 3. Were you still uncomfortable with doing ERP while you were on meds? Again, I’m really sorry if these answers are obvious 😭. God Bless! 💛

🩵 To my OCD siblings I hope you can read this story, feel less alone. OCD is absolutely debilitating, and dispite living my best life its still practice ERP in my everyday life and take medication. I personally like to use humor as part of my non engagement responses. A heads up before you read 🩵 *Trigger warning this story contains conversations about medical procedures and Death* This summer I found out I had a rare deformity in my airway that would require surgery. Cue OCD spike and the endless spiral about being put under anesthesia dying young, leaving my family to grieve, my dog not knowing why I'm coming home, emotionally contaminating the OR room so everyone who goes in after dies. My partner killing himself etc (you get the picture, you have probley lived the picture) Because I have the tools to handle it, I handled it. Wasn't fun but being proud of doing your best and living your values while, also simultaneously being tired and grumpy because you just want to live but you have the intrusive thoughts + the energy used to practice ERP + actually doing things (thats being human , ride the wave) Flash forward to today (surgery day) and I am SUFFERING, panic attacks, tears barely holding it together. I am in the passenger seat on the way to the hospital just trying to hold everything in. Then suddenly in the driver's seat my partner (who has been with me pre diagnosis, during therapy and at this point forever and ever amen) gestures to the rain and says "what a wonderful day for your last day alive" and proceeds to say "very tragic, very tragic, you were so young" "I definitely won't let the dog see your body and he'll just wait for you to come home" at this point I relax because the intrusive thoughts can't scare you if you just lean in. So for the rest of the drive we plan my funeral and it gets increasingly outlandish. And this is how I make through all the pre op things. Fast forward to gowned up, things signed, IV in waiting to be taken to the OR. I start spiraling and my partner says "maybe I'll make knuckle bone dice from your bones or a knife cane with your femur, because clearly after you die my grief will turn me evil" (there was a comical evil laugh with this as well) I laugh. Cue more wild funeral plans including become fertilizer for the garden and gold plating my bones as decoration. We see people walk by with awkward judgy looks. A laugh some more. Because unless you have OCD or love someone with OCD you don't understand that the highest form of love is sitting with the uncertainty together 🩵 Take aways from this story ... 1) even when your living your best life, OCD spikes happen and your allowed to feel tired, grumpy, sad whatever you need 2) you (and your ocd) are worthy of love and there are people out there that will love all your bits and pieces 3) Do the scary thing (if it aligns with your values) cause the last month or so of ocd spike was worth it, the surgery and the anesthesia and the intrusive thoughts were worth it. I'm breathing so much better and I can't wait to hike with my dog again 🧡 (and lets be real if it wasn't an OCD spike from surgery it would of come up with something else like my airway collapsing, the joys) May you all have people in your life willing to join you in uncertainty whatever that looks like for you 🩵

Prozac was a no go for me, it made my depression worse and I’m not normally depressed but WOW it was scary. They took me off of that, I start lexapro 5mg tomorrow night. The first few weeks of anxiety of getting used to a med scare me, advice on handling those few weeks is appreciated!

Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to be single? Legitimately it seems more fair to both parties. One shouldn't have to constantly worry if their partner loves them and one shouldn't second guess everything constantly. It seems like torture. Not really looking for any answer to this. More just frustrated and unsure of my relationship because of this dynamic

Howdy, all. I’m new here, just started with NOCD about 4 weeks ago. We’ve been doing ERP for about the last 5 or so sessions. So far ERP has been going well, though taking some to get adjusted to. I spent so many years with a generalized therapist doing talk therapy, so it’s been a little off putting going through ERP where I talk a ton about obsessions and compulsions and the point is to just sit with it. In any case, my most recent session triggered me pretty bad. I’ve been with my wife for 14 years, married for 8 of those years. We have a really great relationship, I can’t imagine my life without her. For a big chunk of our relationship, I’ve had a recurring obsession that I was in love with or currently in love with a mutual friend of ours. This mutual friend and I no longer talk anymore (which, of course, my OCD uses as evidence as that I did or do love her because she’s the one that got away or whatever my OCD comes up with). We were really good friends, would text almost every day, and just generally enjoyed each other’s company, all of which my OCD also uses as evidence against me. Nothing even close to romantic happened between us(although that doesn’t stop me from ruminating over every interaction we ever had and trying to determine if I ever did anything untoward or would be considered as cheating!). I always treated her as friend and always saw her as a friend. In any case, this has led to years of me toiling over the obsession of “was I in love with her?” Or “am I in love with her now?” Rather than being in the moment and enjoying time with my incredible wife. The obsessive thoughts come and go in terms of severity. Sometimes I can go months, maybe even a whole year not thinking about it; other times it’s near constant. Lately it’s been pretty bad. Part of that i am guessing is ERP since it’s stirring up a lot. This most recent session had us looking at and reading Reddit posts about love triangles. I was obsessing prior to the session about the thought described above, and the exposure just made me fixate anymore. My session was yesterday, and I haven’t really been able to stop obsessing over it since. Although, to give myself credit, I haven’t engaged in compulsions, as far as I know. So that’s something! It’s just the absurd amount of dread and horrible feeling that comes with OCD that makes everything so hard. Anyway, this post got way too long. If you read this far, thank you. Not expecting any replies, just feeling on the verge of doing a compulsion so I thought I’d vent. Maybe this is a compulsion. Who knows!

I keep having this obsession that is causing me extreme anxiety, but I also cannot talk about it cause I’m convinced if I talk about it, it will happen. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t keep going like this.

Do u guys think deleting social media would help with this issue? I find triggering videos that brings up past events and then I start spiraling out…. Bringing shame n guilt

Currently going through one of the hardest times of my life. I’ve had ocd most of my life but had my first trigger around 2 years ago. I’ve been doing good since then was even able to get myself off my Prozac. Well I lost my job that I worked at for 6 years and this is new to me. And it’s started to make me experience hyper vigilance derealization and disassociation I’m back on my medicine have been for a week a 1 day. What can I do to make it easier. Anything helps please. I have a therapist as well.

I have a compulsion of checking my Apple Watch ECG repeatedly. Often times it’s squiggly or inconclusive, it’s even said afib but my cardiologist said it was sinus Arrythmia and gave me another heart monitor. I’ve checked it about 2,000 times. Every time it’s not 100% normal I instinctively call 911. Emergency services and the hospital are absolutely sick of me. How do I prevent myself from instinctively calling, especially during a panic attack where it feels like I’m having an emergency? Has anyone else had this issue? Edit: wanted to note my mom has taken my Apple Watch for now and only lets me check occasionally, but I’m not sure if this is the right first step

Im extremely overwhelmed by my symptoms and getting really scared that im stuck like this permanently.

So my mind is still on this same problem; it's been a week now. I have a huge fear of going crazy, whether it be psychosis or schizophrenia. This started when I had little to no sleep. It was 4 a.m., and I couldn't sleep, so I decided to masturbate so I could sleep. That didn't help. I already had weird thoughts that made no sense, lots of anxiety, and this head pressure. When I turned to my right side on the pillow, I said in my head, “I knew I was gonna feel better,” and then I got a thought that said, “You're welcome,” in a Russian accent while I was sleeping. It was so random, but unfortunately, at the time, my brain was looking for something to worry about. At first, I found the thought strange. Then another thought came: What if the thought came from something else? Obviously, that's ridiculous, and I tried joking about it and tried to sleep, but then a huge wave of anxiety hit. I got up, went to the bathroom, and said to myself, “Do I believe this?” I said no. I knew I hadn't gotten any sleep; I was very anxious, and I had racing thoughts. I've had hypnagogic hallucinations before, and at the time this happened, I forgot about them. But, to tell you the truth, I don't know where this “You're welcome” thought came from other than my mind. Of course, anything outside of that is just delusional. Now, my biggest fear is that I believe some lady was communicating with me; see how crazy that sounds. Logically speaking, I know this is 1. It was just a random thought, and my OCD misinterpreted it as a crazy "what if," but has anyone ever had this before, or something similar? I just want to know I'm not alone, pls.