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My feelings are coming back ( j forced myself to feel a certain way with my OCD thoughts and it pushed away my feelings) I’ve been struggling with my ROCD again, and lately the thoughts and feelings have been so loud that it’s hard to distinguish them from what I’m genuinely feeling. Whenever I imagine my boyfriend. Another thing I’ve noticed is that the thoughts can appear completely out of nowhere. I’ll be lying down, and suddenly my mind says things like, “You have to let go of people you love.” Then I feel really sad and get the urge to cry. Sometimes I’ll see a couple together, and my mind suddenly creates a scenario of my boyfriend being with someone new while we’re no longer together. It feels almost like my mind is showing me something that’s going to happen, and I get this wave of sadness that makes me feel stuck in the image. I’ve also noticed that when I hear about someone else’s breakup, especially someone connected to my boyfriend, my mind immediately connects their situation to mine. When one of his friends broke up with his girlfriend, I started thinking that the same thing was going to happen to us because we have problems, too. But we are working on it together. I also remembered another girl who had broken up with her boyfriend. During a previous week when my breakup thoughts were especially intense, I had actually forced myself to imagine being in her position. Now my mind brings that scenario back and shows me being sad and possibly breaking up, then adds thoughts like, “She looks okay, so you could do it, too.” What’s confusing is that my boyfriend and I had a good time together, but the breakup thoughts were still lingering in the background. Now, whenever I look at his friend’s profile, I get this sudden sad and scared feeling. I think it’s because I remember his friend’s breakup and immediately start connecting it to my own relationship, but then I become confused about why I’m reacting that way and what the feeling means. It’s like other people’s experiences become templates for my mind to imagine my own relationship ending.What’s especially difficult is that the OCD related feelings seem so much louder than my other feelings. I constantly try to figure out what’s genuine, what’s OCD, and what every emotional reaction means. I know that relationship frustrations are normal, and I don’t want to dismiss things that genuinely bother me, but I also don’t want OCD to turn every disagreement, thought, or imagined scenario into an urgent question about whether I should break up. Has anyone experienced this, where real relationship concerns and other people’s breakup experiences become things OCD repeatedly analyzes and connects to their own relationship? The break up week: During my breakup-thought week, my ROCD felt extremely intense. For about a week, I kept imagining breaking up with my boyfriend, and the thoughts and feelings felt so real that I became scared and confused. I was already upset about some relationship problems, and I remember forcing myself to imagine being in another girl’s position after her breakup. I kept picturing myself going through the same thing and trying to understand why it felt so convincing.like my boyfriend doesn’t feel like mine and he seems different to me. Now Even when my boyfriend and I had good moments, the thoughts followed me. Although the intensity eventually faded, I still think about that week, and hearing about other people’s breakups brings back the same fear that it could happen to us. I regret forcing myself to do that (edited)

I wanted to write this cause I think it might give some confort to people who think there is no way what they are experiencing is ocd because it feels too real. For the past three months I've been fixated on the possibility of having a heart attack because one day I had some pain under my left ribs and thought "what if I'm having a heart attack". Instead of letting the thought pass, I started researching heart attack symptoms and checking my body for them and the more I checked the more symptoms my body created. After that, I started having heart palpitations every night, I would have trouble falling asleep because when my heart beats would slow down my brain would assume I'm actually dying, and I would have random chest pain throughout the day, but I didn't get it checked because I knew it was caused by anxiety (the symptoms would start as normal anxiety symptoms and would only get worse after I would start thinking about the typical symptoms of a heart attack). I then went through some heartbreaking things and I was really sad and I started thinking of how some people die of a broken heart and I got really scared that that's what was gonna happen to me and the physical symptoms got sugnificantly worse the more I thought about it. I would cry about this situation that I was extremely sad about and the whole time I would tell myself that I have to stop crying cause my heart might give out. Finally, last week I saw a tiktok of a girl saying that she went to the hospital for very slight chest pain and it turned out she had had a heart attack and after seeing that I started researching things like silent heart attacks and what kind of tests you need to do to make sure you didn't have one and my chest pain got worse. I went to see my family doctor and she said my heart seems fine and it's probably just anxiety but because she didn't run the tests I had read about I was still convinced I was having heart attacks every day. I made an appointment to see a cardiologist but I had to wait 5 days for them to see me and I couldn't stop thinking that I might die in 5 days and because I kept thinking about this, my chest pain got worse and worse that I ended up going to the ER. They ran all the possible tests and it turns out that my heart is completely healthy and there is no sign of there ever having been something close to a heart attack. After going to the hospital and confirming that there is nothing wrong with my heart, all the symptoms went away immediately, I haven't had any chest pain since. All of this to say that ocd can be as real as it gets. It's not that the chest pain wasn't real, obviously it wasn't in my head, but it was caused by anxiety and being worsened by me engaging with my thoughts and by all my checking for heart attack symptoms and researching. All of this was caused by a thought that stuck and by me compulsively engaging with it. This post is also not meant to say that if you experience actual pain that worries you you shouldn't get it checked and immediately disregard it as ocd. Go to the doctor of course, but try to trust what they say more than you trust your ocd.

Sleepy ramble but does anyone else struggle with crushing uncertainty when it comes to their own morality? I constantly second-guess myself. Some days I’m innocent, some days I’m worse than Satan. Other days I’m confused. Because my brain is constantly trying to account for so many nuances, contexts, and small interactions I’ve had with myself and others across my life. It’s genuinely frustrating. The uncertainty of it all frightens me to my core. I know the whole point of OCD therapy is to accept uncertainty but my brain refuses to accept it. I’m constantly afraid, everything is so nuanced with me and other people I know that I don’t have a solid conclusion to come to. And that makes me feel worse for some reason. It’s especially harder when you have real event OCD related to themes within your trauma. Because those have actually happened and I’m left constantly analyzing these situations and trying to logic it out that I’m not [this] or [that]. It’s just feeling really overwhelming right now, I have no idea if I’m a good person or not. I just can’t accept the uncertainty of it all.

I feel like focusing on the little details have caused me to neglect evaluating my life from a wider lens. I think the inaction towards my goals that OCD ( combined with ADHD ) have inspired, has been something I have failed to take seriously for so long. It’s especially mind boggling when you realize how many things/ “problems” in your life root from this. I wrote a little something while reflecting tonight: Isn’t it funny ? How I can get so upset over people not understanding it? You’d think I was an expert because I understand what it means but I have no idea what it means to me. And so I understand what it is but I barely know it myself And it’s because I’m so scared to accept it Out of fear that it might have more power than it already does and that one day that power may consume me I’ve had recurring thoughts of it doing that Thoughts that I run away from Thoughts that might as well be classified as controlling my life And don’t they? I think they do. I think anything that you keep coming back to so you can run away from hours and hours a day controls your life. Wouldn’t you say that is my life? In a bird’s eye view: There she is! That is her: And look at her living her life controlled by the thoughts she pretends doesn’t exist by running away into the abyss There she is … and there she is not Because she’s not all there and she even says that herself I’m not all here right now She begs for him to be present because she is not She has been scared to be present since 2021 She’s been scared to slow down since 2022 She’s been scared of herself since 2018 She’s been scared since 2001 Maybe I will maybe I won’t Live in my mind and go back in time to when I was 21 years old and I thought I had the whole wide world And now I’m 25 and I feel like I’ve lost my spark but I convince everyone and myself it’s still there but it’s not convincing because I’m believing it and I don’t know what I’m doing to make anyone else believe it and if I’m being honest I think the relationships in my life since then have not had any reason to believe that she ever was there But I don’t accept Still for whatever reason I don’t accept I don’t know why And maybe this has been the theme of my life This is something I’ve always believed to be true That somehow somewhere There is this version of me that is free because she loves what she does and who she is and how she looks and what she believes is even better than what I could imagine right now and in pursuit or maybe not pursuit but in belief that she exists I feel calm and sleep every night and let myself run down the rabbit hole knowing that she’s there and one day I’ll be her or maybe never but at least she’s there and that’s enough because in knowing that there is always a version of me I would rather be and I always have the potential to be I don’t ever have to accept myself as I am now and so I never do I never stop and look in the mirror And even if I do I never tell myself it’s good enough I’m stuck between not addressing the problems or when I do address them I cannot give myself love and when I try to I try to change and the cycle repeats and there she is again!! Do you see her? She’s in the wild. She’s in the bathroom again. She’s drunk and eaten and sick and tired and she’ll be fine because she’ll sleep and leave her dreams in the hands of no one just deep in her mind and on the internet and wherever else dreams and ideals exist like Pinterest or Instagram or fleeting thoughts or moments that she’ll never hold Somehow she’s made peace with that And becomes jealous of those who haven’t and those who live what she wishes But she watches and saves and does nothing different because somehow she’s made peace with that And she’ll try and change and she might read a book or flip a page but Nothing changes She stays the same Yet maybe she doesnt stay the same Because all of this This whole thing Is her Going In the definition of who she wants to be Insane Xxx Contrary to the end of my paragraph/poem?/entry, I think right now, finally seeing so clearly how my patterns (OCD/ADHD inspired or not) are affecting my life, might be the most sane I’ve been all year.

hii! i hope everyone is doing well today! :) yesterday i opened up to a family member about how i'm feeling after over a decade of keeping whatever this is to myself and how i feel i possibly may have ocd and they suggested i go ahead with ERP therapy. i signed up last night which was beyond terrifying with the calling and forms i had to fill out but everyone i dealt with was really nice and my therapist seems nice too although i haven't had a session with her yet. my worry is that i'm faking or over exaggerating i guess, that i'm going to be wasting my therapists time that could be going to someone who actually has ocd instead of someone who just suspects they do. my last therapist back when i was around fourteen (i'm nineteen almost twenty now) refused to diagnose me with ANYTHING, she got upset with me when i tried explaining my anxiety or depression symptoms and treated me funny or gave me weird looks which is a huge reason i am terrified now. my mental health is much worse than it was at fourteen so if i was being judged then what will therapy look like now, you know? i'm not entirely sure if this is reassurance seeking so if it is i'm really really REALLY sorry, i'm not sure what reassurance seeking looks like because i'm extremely new to the world of ocd and everything seems really big and scary right now. i'm NOT asking anyone to tell me i'm going to be okay i'm just asking if anyone else felt this way going into this too and maybe some ways they helped calm themselves as they prepared for their first therapy session. again, i hope you all have a really good day! make sure to drink some water if you haven't yet today! :) edit: i also want to mention i WILL bring this up to my therapist but this post is pretty much just me asking how to prepare.

So I (17M)am panicking really bad because this morning went so poorly like really bad because I woke up so late and I barely had time to shower like 3 minutes I had to shower and this is bad because I had no shampoo and I had to use my body wash to clean my hair my face and body and I was showering in the shower I usually avoid because the shower curtain is gross and turning yellow and I have been meaning to wash it and it’s the shower I use to wash up after I have a private moment and I have bad contamination ocd about s3m3n and I feel so sure there was that stuff on the shower curtain inside it because I do not clean the shower and before I shower my body is touching the curtain so it gets dirty with s3m3n and I was so scared to even place my towel and wash cloth on top of the shower rod because it was touching the curtain and the rod most likely had s3m3n on it and this gets worse because in my panicking I left and the shower curtain open to avoid having to touch it and water got all over the floor and when I was showering I am pretty sure I did not shower well enough and this matters because for the last like 2 months I have been sleeping on the floor in my house on a rug that’s in a public room kind of and I am so worried the rug has s3m3n contamination like I am 90% sure it does but I still sleep on it and I make sure to shower before I do anything that may involve things that may touch my body but this makes everything worse. And on top of this my uncle sleeps in my room and I know my room is contaminated because it’s my room and I am 17 and he touched everything but more specifically the front door handle and yesterday I touched it after him to leave the house with my dad to go to school and my hand was contaminated I knew it and I touch the car door handle and my backpack and I have been scared my backpack was contaminated and I touched the stuff in my backpack afterwards so now I have to find out how to clean my backpack and my items. But today things were just worse after my panicking and quick shower I barely washed my hands so I am worried I got s3m3n everywhere and it is spread around my house now and now none of my stuff will be clean and now I will contaminate my friends and their stuff and my notebooks are dirty now and my computer and everything and I have to hang out with my friend tomorrow and I am So scared I am thinking of canceling but kind of don’t want to cause it’s Halloween. But the bathroom and my backpack and my stuff and the house and the door everything my little brother used the bathroom I showering and I feel sick my clothes were still on the ground and I did not clean the soap pump or faucet handle so he is probably contained and he was preparing for a hair appointment so he looked around the bathroom cabinets that are close to the floor for a brush and conditioner and he got it from my box of stuff and I think contaminate because ai had that box before I was trying to be more clean with s3m3n and was just dirty and barely if at all cleaned myself so now I am worried my brother has that stuff in his hair and stuff and he showered in the other bathroom and touched my drawer in there and I am scared to touch it because of contamination but he touched it and then touched his and opened his and grabbed his toothbrush and stuff and the shower I did not clean other after I got out the handles and this is so much and I am being crushed I put my backpack somewhere that I also think is contaminated so idk how to handle my backpack like do I just take the stuff out and wash or clean everything in my backpack or throw it out this is sickening and I just want everyone to be safe and clean and it’s my fault. I also feel like I am not saying everything that matters that if I miss a point I may be lying to you guys or if I do not clean a spot then the s3m3n will spread everywhere again. I need advice because now I have so much to clean and have to figure out how to clean my car seat and car handles because those are most likely contaminated too. What do I do about my backpack

It’s early days but she’s picking up on my intense anxiety surrounding the early stages of connection and has vocalized confusion about what I am feeling. I like her a lot but I get more scared the more feelings I get for her. I have tried to explain and told her about my ocd very broadly from date 1 but she doesn’t seem to compute what it actually means to deal with it. She’s trying to relate and saying she has dealt with similar doubts and that self confidence helps a lot and I need to work on that. I don’t disagree and I see how she makes that connection but that advice and reasoning is not something that is particularly helpful to someone with my particular mental disorder. She vocalized she wants us both to be “doing the work” when it comes to working on ourselves and I didn’t love the way that came across. It’s dismissive of all the work I am doing even to show up and what I go home to after we hang out. I have been in treatment for so long and I am back in dating and going through this knowing that this anxiety was coming for me. I’m in the thick of it right now and willing to put up with these feelings because we are very compatible and she’s worth it but also - and more importantly - I am worth it. This is part of my journey and it’s been hard earned. It’s okay if this is not something she has the capacity to navigate at this stage in her life. We both are respectful adults with a lot going for us. I’m not looking for a savior, I’m not looking for a parent figure to look out for me. I just want some patience and and presence even in those moments when ocd has me in a death grip. I love myself and am so proud of myself for opening up to vulnerability in this way. It’s a dialog I want to open up because if this is something that can grow into a meaningful connection, this will help get us there. Alternatively, it’ll help us both know if this dynamic is something we have the capacity and patience for at this stage of our lives. Both are okay. I respect her and she respects me. I’m doing the hard thing.

Hi everyone. I haven’t posted here in months, and honestly, so much has happened that I don’t even know where to begin… • Introduction: My name is Starlight Seeker Stellaria. I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder at 16 (I was showing first signs/symptoms at 15 and earlier) and over time I’ve come to understand just how much it has affected my everyday life. I’m still a minor, and one of the hardest parts of my situation is that I currently have NO access AT ALL to medical and mental health care. My parents don’t support me receiving the treatment I need, and I don’t have my own money or the independence to arrange it myself. I’ve repeatedly tried to explain to everyone how much I’m struggling, but getting consistent professional help has not been possible. My plan for the future is to pursue intensive treatment and hospitalization when I turn 18, when I can make my own decisions and have the financial independence to arrange care. I want to be evaluated by specialists, receive intensive OCD treatment, and work on ERP regularly, ideally with daily structured support from professionals who understand severe OCD (especially Paranoia theme). I’ve even started keeping a record of my experiences in those years so I can explain everything when I finally have access to treatment. • My main OCD themes and obsessions: One of my biggest paranoia themes involves being watched or monitored. I experience intrusive fears about hidden cameras or microphones being placed in my belongings, accessories, makeup, clothes, and other personal items. I can logically recognize that these thoughts are OCD, but emotionally I struggle to tolerate the uncertainty. This theme has affected things I genuinely enjoy. Wearing makeup, lashes, nails, bracelets, jewelry, and accessories can become extremely difficult expressing myself. Even my glasses, which I need in everyday life, have become a trigger at times. Something that should be an ordinary part of getting ready can turn into hours of anxiety and mental arguments. I’ve also experienced fears about my phone, apps, online privacy, and the possibility of someone monitoring my activity. I know that these fears can be part of my OCD (and also signs of cyberphobia), but that doesn’t make the anxiety disappear. Another major theme involves losing things. I can become extremely anxious about whether I’ve lost something, whether my backpack and bag is properly closed, or whether I’ve forgotten something somewhere. Or accidentally left something in the places I’ve been. I experience urges to check zippers, belongings, and places I’ve visited. I recently started taking proof pictures after leaving a place, or a spot I’ve stayed. Even after checking, I can struggle to trust my memory and feel compelled to check again. But this theme has been getting better after practicing ERP and I barely have it anymore. • The mental compulsions: One of the most exhausting parts is the constant mental reviewing. This is my main compulsion. I replay conversations, memories, situations, and small details in an attempt to establish certainty. I question whether I remembered something correctly, whether someone said something, or whether I overlooked something. For example, recently my grandmother gave me new pajamas. I became extremely distressed because I associated them with her hospital stay. Even after she repeatedly explained that she had never worn them and that they were clean, my OCD refused to accept her explanation. I started replaying memories of helping her pack for the hospital, trying to establish whether those particular pajamas had been there. I knew what was happening, but I couldn’t stop the mental reviewing. I cried, felt overwhelmed, and struggled with the idea of wearing them. And overtime became extremely anxious that I had an episode and I cried uncontrollably the entire night until I’ve fell asleep out of exhaustion. This is one of the things that makes OCD so exhausting: sometimes I understand the cycle perfectly, but that understanding doesn’t automatically make resisting the compulsions easy. • ERP and my attempts to recover: Despite everything, I’ve been trying to practise ERP daily with the resources available to me. I’ve continued wearing my glasses and sometimes wearing accessories even when they trigger intrusive thoughts. I’ve tried resisting checking, allowing uncertainty to remain, and continuing ordinary activities instead of letting OCD decide everything. I’ve also created my own OCD and ERP educational materials, including drawings, diagrams and notes about the OCD cycle, intrusive thoughts, compulsions, and exposure and response prevention. I have reminders around me to help me remember that OCD is a cycle and that thoughts aren’t instructions. I’ve noticed some progress. Sometimes anxiety that previously lasted hours now lasts only minutes. Sometimes intrusive thoughts become background noise, and I can continue what I’m doing without engaging with them. I’ve even noticed that I occasionally forget what I was even obsessing over. But progress hasn’t been linear. I’ve also experienced relapses and episodes where the anxiety becomes so intense that I struggle to function. • The episodes and physical symptoms: Some of my worst episodes have involved uncontrollable crying, sobbing, shaking, intense anxiety, headaches, chest tightness, racing heart, stomach pain, nausea, and feeling like I might vomit. There have been nights when the distress became so overwhelming that I couldn’t do anything except cry. I’ve sometimes felt physically sick from the intensity of the anxiety. And it gotten so bad that sometimes I was even smashing my head against the wall for how unbearable was the noise in my head… I’ve also struggled with sleep, including experiences I describe as paradoxical insomnia, where I feel conscious or mentally awake despite apparently having slept. I was even catching myself doing mental compulsion while asleep. Sleep deprivation and exhaustion have made difficult periods even harder. During one particularly frightening night, when I was extremely distressed and exhausted, I briefly experienced something that looked like a shadow passing across my vision and heard a very faint, brief whisper-like sound. I was aware of my surroundings and knew I was in my bedroom, but the experience frightened me. I don’t know exactly what caused it, and I don’t want to diagnose myself based on that experience. But my OCD told me I was in a psychosis episode. I’ve also had periods of physical illness, including diarrhea where I’ve literally cached myself going to the bathroom too often, headaches, nausea, and concerns about dehydration. I am trying to pay attention to my physical health rather than automatically assuming every physical symptom is OCD. • The emotional side of all of this: I also struggle with loneliness. I don’t currently feel that I have a reliable support system I can turn to whenever things become overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I’m carrying everything internally because I don’t have access to the support I need. I’ve tried explaining my OCD and how much it affects me, but some of those conversations have ended with me feeling misunderstood or shouted at… It can be incredibly isolating to know that you’re struggling and still feel unable to access the treatment you need. Sometimes I just sit there and remember how my life was before OCD… I miss being able to enjoy ordinary things without OCD interfering. I miss getting ready, wearing the things I like, expressing myself, enjoying my hobbies, and going about my day without constantly negotiating with intrusive thoughts. I don’t want OCD to take away more of my life. (Or take away my life) • Where I am now and what I hope for the future: I’m still trying. Despite of everything, I’m practising ERP as carefully as I can with the resources I currently have. I’m documenting my symptoms, episodes, obsessions, compulsions, and exposures so that I can eventually give a specialist a detailed account of what I’ve experienced. My goal when I turn 18 is to hospitalizing myself and seek intensive professional treatment, work with OCD specialists, and receive structured ERP regularly. I want to understand my symptoms properly and have the support I haven’t been able to access so far. Years waisted… I know I cannot make up for the lack of treatment by simply forcing myself through increasingly difficult exposures. I want proper guidance and support when I can access it. I’m posting because I would really appreciate hearing from people who understand severe OCD, (specifically Paranoia theme) especially people who have experienced intense mental reviewing, fears about being watched, monitored, spying, tracked, contamination-related uncertainty, losing-item obsessions, and overwhelming episodes. If there are therapists, counselors, or people experienced with OCD in this community, I would especially appreciate thoughtful guidance about coping with severe symptoms when professional treatment isn’t currently accessible. I don’t expect anyone to fix everything for me. I just want to feel less alone and learn how to keep moving forward with the resources I have right now. Thank you for reading all of this. • My questions: 1. When its been getting worse, what do to right now, any suggestions and reccomandations? 2. How to keep on taking care of myself till I’m 18? 3. What resources that are not medically I can use? (except for this app) 4. What coping mechanisms would help? 5. What to do when I’m in a severe OCD episode? 6. What ERP examples I can use that are not as triggering and do not cause secere anxiety 7. Is there a possibility to at least stop this loneliness, maybe find friends in there or something? I would love to spend time with people who understands and gets through the same battle as me!

for example, my most recent freakout is from the general idea of the iocd theme, but it deviates from what iocd normally is for people. my fear isn’t that i’m afraid i like my sibling, but because other people might think i do (because of events that happened with us as children.) because this imaginary audience thinks that i like my sibling like that, i feel like i need to avoid my sibling at all costs. i feel like i need to tell my mother about the event that happened forever ago and i feel like i am doing something problematic by telling nobody about what happened and continuing to see my sibling as my best friend. this happens with all the other themes i may pick up on, like pocd and zocd as well (‘what if someone thinks that you liked that in a weird way?’) i don’t see many people who have ocd in the way that i do, so i’ve just been spending hours ruminating on the question “what should i do?!”

Hello, I’m A. 19/m I’ve experienced many OCD symptoms through the years, some of the earliest memories being from when I was 6. Over time, those symptoms and actions pertaining to them have only gotten worse as the years went by. I’ve struggled with these thoughts and actions for over half my life and it’s getting harder to keep living. I am Filipino and live on an island in the Marianas. I’ve asked to go to therapy twice, once in senior year of high school which is when my OCD started to become unbearable, and again a year after graduating. The first time, I was denied by my mother. Coming from a Filipino background mental health and getting treatment for it was seen as a matter that can be resolved with praying instead of medical treatment. My mother told me to just pray and things will get better. My mother struggles with generalized anxiety, so she can understand to a degree how I was feeling, however, her coping mechanism is just something that wouldn’t work for me. While I understand where she comes from, I was angry. This toxic mentality of “praying it away” is something that has affected people in many walks of life. The second instance was after experiencing a very intense flare up, in which both my parents told me that, “I was just bored” and “it’s okay to be a clean person,” in which I replied in anger with tears in my eyes, “you guys don’t understand.” They understood my feelings and were nothing but sympathetic and shortly after calming down, I called to book an appointment. I was going to therapy. I hadn’t opened up to anyone about my triggers before going to therapy as my triggers pertain to bodily fluids, which is on the more taboo side, which I feel very guilty and ashamed of. I worked with a general therapist/social worker who was very kind, but hadn’t worked with someone whose triggers were like mine. To my knowledge she wasn’t an OCD specialist, but acknowledged that I had harbored extreme symptoms of OCD, anxiety, and depression. It was nice to be able to talk to someone about my mental state and I felt safe in that clinic. I struggled with leaving my house due to how strong these waves of thoughts and emotions came down on me in fact, months prior, I had a job that I decently enjoyed, but due to the frequency of thoughts and emotions I had, I began questioning my performance. I didn’t want to get fired, so I left that job very suddenly. Therapy was a safe place I could go to and a reason to leave my house at least once a week which was a goal I had set with my therapist. It had only been about a month until I had to stop going to therapy. To put it simply, I couldn’t afford it anymore. My therapist told me she’d keep in touch as she is also a social worker. I haven’t heard from her since. I lost the only help I was getting. I wanted to start therapy because of the time I was losing and how much of my life had been taken over by my OCD. The amount of time I’ve spent tending to my compulsions, the amount of sleep I’ve lost, the amount of time I could’ve spent studying for a major I’m genuinely passionate about, the amount of time I’ve lost that I could’ve spent with my friends and family all lost because I’ve locked myself away in my room. The hobbies I used to enjoy doing are now on a to do list that I can’t bring myself to do, as if they were a list of chores. I’ve lost my life to OCD. Things have only gotten so much worse since I’ve had to stop going to therapy. The lack of sources where I live doesn’t make anything easier. I’m lost with no where to go.

I can’t stop overthinking about my belly piercing and searching on Google and ChatGPT. I’m even thinking of going to another studio to look at it (like a sec opinion) and tell me it’s okay. Yesterday I was crying and shaking while reading that to some people it can reject and leave a nasty scar. I posted on Reddit my piercing and someone said that I don’t have the right anatomy (which personally I don’t agree, I def have the right anatomy fot a belly piercing I just didn’t use a good photo but it triggered me anyways ) I’m so so scared which is stupid. Getting so anxious and scared over a piercing is stupid. I just have low confidence and that area of my body was my favorite I thought a belly piercing would be even cuter but then my ocd went crazy. I never thought that a piercing would make my OCD go crazy.

Hey everyone, I am currently struggling with a massive ROCD spiral and really need to put this out here to stop the mental checking and compulsive scenario-playing in my head. This morning, my boyfriend and we were having a casual, lighthearted conversation in the bedroom about me working from home without pants. We started joking around, and I brought up the topic of sexuality, mentioning my own past fluid attractions but noting that today I am hetero-oriented and completely focused on him sexually. I then asked him: "And how is it for you?" He answered immediately—without a single second of hesitation—and just said: "Exactly" ("Genau" / "Same"). In reality, his fast response meant he completely agreed with me. He was saying: "Yes, just like you, I am focused on you and our relationship." It was a normal, loving, and reassuring answer. But my ROCD instantly hijacked it. Because he answered so quickly, my brain went into hyper-vigilant mode. I started overanalyzing the word "Exactly." My mind is now whispering terrifying doubts: What if he just said it to quiet me down? What if he meant something else? I’ve spent the last few hours trapped in an intense mental loop, playing out worst-case scenarios in my head. I keep picturing a fictional confrontation where I ask him to clarify, and in my head, he gives a vague, terrifying answer like "I don't know, maybe." I am fighting a massive urge to confess or ask him for reassurance right now, even though I know it's just the OCD demanding a 100% guarantee that doesn't exist. I am trying hard to remind myself of the core ROCD facts: • Thoughts are not facts or hidden truths. • A quick, spontaneous answer actually shows he is at peace with himself and didn't need to overthink it. • I need to focus radically on his actual actions—he is loving, he seeks my closeness, and he is building a life with me and our cats. ANY TIPS?

I don’t wanna get too into us because it’ll just make me spiral more than I already am. I was bit by a dog almost a week ago. It’s a domestic dog, though it is unvaccinated. Seemingly totally healthy. It was at a breeders, so I don’t really know which dog bit me as I was in a room with like 15 other dogs(extremely irresponsible. but the lady doesn’t like to do rabies vaccines since her dogs had reactions to it in the past). But the owner said she would let me know if any of her dogs get sick or die. She thought I was being insane by even bringing it up, and said there’s absolutely no way my dogs have rabies. Anyway, I am not getting vaccinated at this time because I’m trying to just get through that 10 day period and try to trust that the owner would tell me if one of the dogs got sick. Plus, I don’t even know if it broke skin. Weird, right? But I really just couldn’t tell. So the biggest realization I’m having right now is honestly not that I’m afraid of dying from rabies in three or four months or whatever the normal incubation time is. Because even I am pretty much positive I don’t have rabies or will contract it. But because there is that tiny tiny miniscule what if, I am so afraid of thinking about this indefinitely and having anxiety over this for years to come. You know, I’ve looked up all of those cases where the incubation time was, years later, etc., whether that was proven or not is beside the point. I just don’t want to think about this anymore. I want it to be out of my head. Right now I’m just trying to think of ways that I can just accept these thoughts and try to move on with my day, but it is very difficult right now. I’m hoping just typing this up and sharing with others might help even a tiny bit.

Today, I was really tired, and when my boyfriend and I talked about our future, my heart felt filled with doubt. Later, his friend came over, and we all laughed and talked for a while. Afterward, I got tired again, and my feet were hurting. Because of my foot problems, I sometimes have difficulty walking quickly. My boyfriend started walking fast, so I asked him why he keeps walking fast whenever I’m in pain. He apologized and said he was trying to match my speed, but I felt hurt because this has happened before. I wanted him to slow down, walk beside me, and ask if I was okay without me having to keep reminding him.I told him I felt like he wasn’t going to change. He apologized, but I told him I didn’t believe him because we’ve been together for three years and I feel like we’re still having the same problems. He said he was sorry and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel much emotionally in that moment, which confused me. The bell was about to ring, so he had to leave. I called out for him to come back, but he left, and I wanted to cry.I cried a little at school and then went back to talk to him. He said again that I could break up with him because it was my choice. He also apologized for walking fast and explained that he feels pressured when walking in the hallways. I was still sad because I was upset about more than just the walking. I couldn’t tell what he meant when he said breaking up was my choice, but hearing it made me cry even harder. I felt overwhelmed because I have been worried about his effort in our relationship and whether things will actually change.Later, he talked to me while another guy was nearby. I noticed the other guy, and my mind started saying things like, “Oh, you like him. Be with him.” I ignored the other guy while my boyfriend was talking to me. I don’t want to be with the other guy, but these thoughts confused me. My boyfriend told me he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but I didn’t feel anything in response. I started questioning why I felt emotionally blank and wondering what that meant.During all of this, I experienced the familiar heavy, static-like breakup feeling I had experienced about two weeks ago. I recognized the feeling, but I had been testing and checking my feelings, and I ignored it at the time. Now I’m thinking about that feeling again and wondering what it means. My mind keeps telling me to break up with my boyfriend, but I also say that I don’t want to leave him. At the same time, I’m genuinely worried that he won’t change and that we’ll continue having the same problems after three years together.I also want to talk about my actual relationship concerns without automatically dismissing them as OCD. I want my boyfriend to be more considerate, to notice when I’m hurting, and to show consistent effort through his actions. I’m scared that things won’t change, but I don’t know what to make of the breakup feeling or my emotional numbness. I would like help recognizing when I’m getting caught in checking and reassurance-seeking, tolerating uncertainty without forcing an answer, and addressing my relationship needs in a healthy way without feeling like I have to make an immediate decision about our future.

I’m so thankful for my therapist. She has helped me so much during these difficult times, and I see progress every day. I’m learning how to accept the OCD, especially my specific themes. Sometimes I have doubts, but Chris has helped me and given me so many tips. I’m so grateful for her help.

I have OCD, particularly POCD, and something recently happened that made me feel anxious and confused. I’m generally attracted to feminine guys around my own age. I also read fanfiction about a fictional male character who is feminine and whom I’m attracted to. Over time, I’ve developed an association between femininity and this character. Sometimes, when I see a boy behaving in a feminine way, such as speaking or moving femininely, my mind immediately associates that behavior with the character I like. Sometimes people make jokes about boys being gay because of their feminine behavior, and I notice that I have a similar reaction in those situations. Recently, I saw a younger boy who was a ballet dancer stretching. His movements seemed feminine to me, and I experienced a feeling that I couldn’t quite explain. I became frightened because he was younger than me, and I started questioning what that feeling meant. Part of me thinks that I was responding to the femininity or associating his behavior with the fictional character I like. Another part of me worries that the feeling meant something else. I keep trying to understand exactly what happened and why I reacted that way. Before i also used to be scared of i have a gay fetish or that im fetishizing gay man and im scared that thats it but if it is fetish why is it on younger guys I have experienced similar moments before, and I think my OCD may be making me focus on these reactions and analyze them repeatedly. I want to understand how to handle these thoughts and feelings without getting stuck in a cycle of fear, checking, and reassurance-seeking. I would like help understanding the difference between noticing a characteristic, making an association, experiencing a feeling, and interpreting that feeling as evidence of something about myself. Most importantly, I want to learn how to tolerate uncertainty without constantly analyzing my reactions or needing to prove what they mean. I want to manage my OCD in a healthy way instead of letting these moments cause me so much distress.

I confessed to my boyfriend a few weeks ago that I used to play an online game and I remembered responding to messages from some people that might have been flirtatious. I knew I didn’t say anything flirty/romantic/sexual back, but I had responded to some messages because it gave me an ego boost. He laughed and said he didn’t care at all. Well, I couldn’t let it go. I was able to log back into the account and read the messages. One person who I had been having normal conversations who i thought was a girl with later made some incredibly inappropriate sexual remarks in which I responded “ahhhh stop stop” and “no it’s ok, i’m just not sure if this sort of banter is OK in a relationship.” I then found out this person was a guy and ghosted. My boyfriend pretty much knows the gist, but he hasn’t read the messages himself. I felt an intense urge to show him the messages, but i worry it would be selfish and cause undeserved harm.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Maybe 5 hours. I’ve had worse sleep, that’s for sure. When I don’t sleep well, my ocd can definitely be louder than other days. How are you doing today?

I have moral OCD and worry a lot about if I’m a good person that people like to be around. I work really hard in my every day life to be super friendly and welcoming to everyone, having a good attitude and a good sense of humor, but in particular when something bothers me and I need to communicate it, or I need to give feedback at work, it feels soul crushing and like I’m a horrible person, especially if people aren’t good at receiving feedback and are upset about it. I also feel really guilty when I get an intrusive thought about someone else, in particular their appearance. For example, a person in a different team at work that I have a friendly relationship with gained a lot of weight since the last time I saw him, and I feel absolutely horrible for noticing, especially since I myself am very overweight, much bigger than him, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be a big person. For my ERP therapy last night we explored that specific example, and while saying that I noticed it felt mildly uncomfortable but manageable, but when having to accept that those thoughts could make me a bad person I couldn’t stop crying and am still upset today and am crying writing this at my cubicle desk. I also can’t look at that coworker today without feeling extremely guilty for bringing up something that he’s likely insecure about in my therapy appointment. I feel like if there’s even a chance I’m a bad person deep down that it means I deserve bad things to happen to me and deserve how miserable I feel and that I shouldn’t be a member of society, and that I shouldn’t even consider myself a human being especially since that means that me being nice to people has all been a big lie and deep down I’m just this rotten, terrible, miserable being, who on top of being that way is also a big fraud. It doesn’t help that this Saturday, Halloween, is my 5 year trauma anniversary of something that happened to me that I feel deep down I deserve because of who I am as a person. It doesn’t feel healthy or like a good path for ERP to make me feel this miserable and worse than I was before, and I’ve been struggling for a while before this, and I could see if I continue down this I might self isolate and cut off important relationships and elements of my life the way I have in the past when I’ve felt this bad out of fear of causing harm to others. Is there a way I can bring up to my therapist to do ERP therapy in a way that doesn’t have to do with accepting that I might be a bad person? Accepting that the thought is an intrusive one I feel fine with, but accepting that it might be true is so devastating to me that I absolutely cannot process that. Even accepting that maybe people were upset with me for a particular action is fine, but accepting that my fear of being a bad person is legitimate is too much.

My girlfriend and I have been together for three years, living a three-hour drive apart. about three weeks ago, everything was fine, except I was having doubts about my feelings for her due to the distance even though things went great whenever we saw each other on weekends. I’m not someone who misses people much; I don't really miss my family or friends, and I don't miss my girlfriend in that way either, though sometimes I wish she were there with me when I’m doing an activity, having a bad day, or feeling stressed. Sometimes I just want to be in her arms. Also, sometimes she wants eggs in the morning; I don't really feel like making them, but I do it anyway because I love seeing her happy and smiling. But since last Thursday, I feel like I don't love her—like I’m not looking forward to seeing her, yet at the same time, I am looking forward to it. I keep questioning whether I still love her. I spend my days online looking for signs of whether I love her or not; sometimes the feeling comes back and I want to see her, and I know deep down that I do love her. Also, this morning she called me by a nickname I like, and I smiled, but I didn't feel love or happiness :( The same thing happened when she said she was proud of me—I smiled proudly, but I didn't feel anything. Right now, I feel neutral about the fact that we’re seeing each other on Friday :( but I do want to be with her. I don't understand. I just got off a call with her and I was happy; I was asking about the exam she took and was genuinely interested. I don't get it :( I don't want to break up or realize that I don't love her and if you ask me i would take care of her if she sick etc i would take care of her directly but now i feel like every morning the first thing a think about is if i love her or not. i feel that each day i feel like when i call her i feel annoy by her even if i was the one that call her first or that i was happy to see her call me. like 1 week ago i thought about buying her a little surprise just like that because i want etc nd 2 day ago i was imagine life with her like together in our home and was happy and exciting because i would love to live with her and have our time appart and i feel like i dont love her each day :( and like i said sometime i have this moment of i dont know it like clarity and i feel like i know that i love her deep down TL;DR i feel like i dont love her anymore but at the same time i love her :( can it be fixed ? or not