Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I’ve been dealing with pretty bad gender OCD for the last month and freaking out about whether I’m in denial about actually being trans, and today I realized I actually have experience with being in denial about being (mostly) gay, and it’s helping me see that that’s not what this is. When I was in denial about being gay, it was because of social consequences (worrying about being accepted and not wanting to be seen as different), since being attracted to guys feels normal and natural to me. As far as I can remember I never obsessed about it or constantly checked my sexual responses to see how I felt, and in a world with no social stigma or homophobia, I think I would have never had any issue with it and I would have come out a lot sooner. I always knew I found guys attractive and had a hard time imagining dating or having a serious relationship with a woman, I just never quite connected the word “gay” to it. It was a sort of “I know that gay men like men, and I think men are attractive, but I’m probably just bi or a straight guy who’s looking at attractive men l because I want to look like them” situation. At this point a year after coming out to myself, I’d be really confused and weirded out if there were some 100% accurate blood test for sexual orientation that proved I’m actually straight, because it would mean that what I’ve always felt would be a lie. Once I admitted that I was gay, it was definitely a bit intimidating to process (not least because I knew that there could be social consequences) but it was a relief because it just felt right, and it felt good to put a word to what I’ve always felt and accept that I am that. I’m not out to many people and I don’t have any gay friends (or many friends at all, really), but I feel less lost and more at peace knowing that there’s a word for what I am. That’s not at all how this feels. When it comes to this, fear of being subjected to social stigma is certainly part of the angst going through my head, but it’s secondary to the primary angst, which is “I don’t want to transition, transitioning to me sounds like a kind of death, BUT WHAT IF I HAVE TO? I’m satisfied with my body as it is and with being seen as a guy, I don’t see myself as or want to be another gender, I don’t want to lose the body and appearance that I have now, what I want is for these thoughts to go away so I can go back to being that happy and comfortable guy who never thought twice about his gender, BUT WHAT IF I’VE BEEN A GIRL THIS WHOLE TIME? WHAT IF I ACTUALLY DON’T LIKE MY BODY/PRESENTATION?” Unlike with being gay, I want a test to prove with 100% accuracy that I’m a cis male with TOCD because then that would mean that I am what I’ve always felt I am and this is just my neurodivergent brain temporarily playing a trick on me again that will pass. I don’t know if this will help anyone else, but it’s helping me. (I got an OCD evaluation through a work-sponsored therapy session with a social worker, and he determined that I have moderate-bordering-on-severe OCD. I’ll get on actual treatment soon.)

I broke up with my boyfriend almost a week ago because of how he was treating me but hes been super sad and swears he’s going to work on himself because of how much he loves and cares about me.. i want to believe him but part of me also worries is this just some sort of tactic to reel me back in and it’s just gonna be the same?? I also feed bad if I do give him another chance because I already vented to my best friend and mom about him.. which I would’ve never told them anything unless I was DONE. So now I just feel bad for talking bad about him when he’s willing to try so hard to get me back. Ugh idk I’m torn between constant feelings of feeling bad, missing and loving him a lot still, stressed about having to explain my reasonings for taking him back, feeling unsure, etc. Any advice from anyone who has been in this position😭

i’m so frustrated because i haven’t been hanging out with anyone or going out since i’ve turned 21 (last year) because of my ocd. i’m so scared of getting sick that it makes me cancel on plans, miss out on family or friend’s events, and finally, this weekend, i faced my fears and went to a club, and had a sleepover with my friends. just to find out the next day (today) one of my friends we were hanging out with was sick, and nobody told me. all of my friends know i have horrible contamination ocd to a point where it’s a joke in my friend group, and yet, nobody told me. i’m panicking and freaking out because i know im gonna start feeling sick anytime soon, and it feels like im having a hundred thoughts a minute. am i valid for being frustrated?

That’s it… i probably am looking for reassurance but really just anything to help me stop hating myself enough to quit crying n go on with life. I haven’t done anything bad but I just don’t like who I am and all the things that make me upset. It’s getting really hard to feel like I’m of any use to anyone like this.

So if p’s can also experience distress and disturbance than how am I different? I’m just really scared because I heard that from an actual expert and it freaked me out.

I was just wondering how often do you reveal you have OCD to others. I keep it pretty guarded with mainly family and a few people at work. I don't know why exactly. I thought about being more open with my OCD but I'm not sure. It's probably just a personal choice. Any pros and cons you have experienced?

Hi everyone, my name is Nathalia ,I’m 27 years old, and I recently joined this community because I’ve been struggling with what seems to be existential OCD. About a month ago, I had my first symptom, and since then my anxiety has centered around existential themes. I experience intrusive thoughts about time, the length of life, repetition, and the idea of “so many days ahead.” Sometimes I feel a heavy sense of being trapped in life or overwhelmed by the concept of existence continuing indefinitely. I think about it everyday and my body reacts nervous when I think about the day`s ahead. It’s not that I don’t want to live — I do — but certain abstract thoughts trigger anxiety and a strange, unreal feeling, and honestly just anxiety. Has anybody dealt with this exact theme?

Hello! My name is Lizzie, I’m 33 and I’ve been recently diagnosed with OCD (Pure O, existential, perfectionism? relationship, contamination, harm, etc) within the last year. I’m struggling a lot right now and my husband believes I’m “going off the deep end” as far as believing my obsessive thoughts. I’m having a hard time distinguishing whether or not it’s an obsessive thought or I’m just a person with a genuine concern. I am a very goofy, nerdy, and weird person. I’m a graphic designer and my hobbies include reading, drawing/painting, and baking. I love humor, especially dark humor about OCD lol. I think I am just feeling pretty crazy these days, kind of hopeless, and very overwhelmed so I was just looking for support 💛

Hi :) I am newly diagnosed with OCD as someone who has suffered with it as well as a lot of anxiety since i was a kid- A main thing i tend to struggle with is worrying about my health. I have a Chronic illness which, doesn’t help 😭 Anyone with health anxiety or OCD related to their health have any tips on managing it or working to do so? thanks :)

This is the first relationship where I've realized I have ROCD, and I still struggle to believe it's actually that sometimes because all my past ones have been "wrong"/ i haven't missed them after ending. But I am realizing that every time there is a problem or things feel off, the way I feel is so drastic and my mind like makes itself up that I don't wanna be in the relationship. It's probably because i'm constantly fighting myself to not let random things bother me that do, so when something actually happens it feels so much harder to deal with, and like I deserve better because of how hard I work to stay all the time. I will have moments of clarity that basically feel like I know this relationship isn't right for me. But then I go back to being like well you love him and this is exactly the pattern you've chased in the past. I don't want to repeat the past, I want to grow in love. But it feels SO HARD to choose it. I am now at a point where I go between thinking there really is someone better out there for me, to the fear that the problem really is me, i will always be this way no matter who i am with, and that losing my boyfriend would be a huge mistake. I go through intense mourning and sadness imagining us breaking up and him moving on, and me never forgetting how special our relationship is to me. but then I also imagine a me who needs that. It just makes no sense and i'm at constant war with myself. it's also really sad because he feels like he's not enough and that he's walking on egg shells hoping i won't end things with him. i know i've made people feel like that in the past and i just don't like that about myself. I truly want to change, but how do i know if I should change WITH HIM? or with someone else 😭

Hi everyone, I’m posting to see if anyone relates to this because my OCD doesn’t seem to match the more common themes. My OCD started almost two years ago, but this specific issue began about a year and four months ago. At first, I had an obsession about needing to remember exactly what I did in a moment (for example: the exact order of movements like blinking, moving my arm, etc.). If I couldn’t remember perfectly, I would mentally go back and ruminate for a long time trying to reconstruct it. One time I ruminated so intensely trying to “figure it out” that I became extremely stressed and anxious and even got a headache. After that, the original obsession slowly stopped feeling important, but then my OCD latched onto a new fear: I became confused about how I stopped caring. It started to feel like there must be something I missed in between — like there was a thought, event, or realization in the past that I forgot. Since then, the obsession hasn’t been about a specific memory, but about a vague feeling that: “Something is back there that I didn’t resolve.” Now it’s less about thoughts and more about a feeling of dread or incompleteness. My brain treats the anxiety itself as proof that there’s something I need to figure out, even though I don’t actually know what I’m looking for. When triggered, my mind automatically links everything back to “the past” and the fact that I can’t go back and check makes me feel stuck or doomed. When I’m distracted or with friends, it has much less power, but when I notice the feeling again the loop restarts:urge to mentally review → try to get clarity → feel worse → still no certainty. I’ve realized this is mostly rumination and trying to solve something that doesn’t have a clear content anymore, but it still feels very real and convincing when it happens. Would really appreciate hearing if others have dealt with something similar.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’m so tired and frustrated. I’m on meds and in ERP therapy. I’m trying but I feel like I’m stuck.

I literally hate my mental health. I remember back before 2018, I was so analytical about everything, I was witty and had an impressive vocabulary. It's only after being manipulated and gaslighted into insanity I have inwardly changed for the worse. I don't know if it was meant for me to drawl closer to God and rely on his vindication, to remind me that the talents and gifts I had were a blessing from him and not of my own doing. I feel as if this Temu version of the Truman Show has not only taken my empathy, sanity but sometimes my faith in the goodness of mankind. Some of the intrusive thoughts that go through my brain are so repulsive that it has brought me to tears. Caused me to abuse alcohol and substances just for a moment of clarity. But somehow the powers that be manage to put me in the most detrimental environments for my mental, physical and spiritual health. I've begged for help from medical professionals, family or who I thought were family only to be gaslit further into despair. I literally feel as if it's me against the world. The first individual that orchestrated a huge facade in my life is literally behind bars for what he was putting me through. Now the new face is doing the exact same thing. It's as if Hitler was taken out of power and was replaced with Stalin. I feel as if that if I'm surrounded by lies, deceit and manipulation than that's what is going to control my mind. Someone now days can just mention a phrase around me that I know that isn't true and my mind will just take off with it. It's gotten so bad that if someone misplaced something, my mind will tell myself and "them" I've stolen it only for them to find the item moments later. My mind will call me a liar when I'm speaking the truth, it's as if the complete opposite of what I want to say will pop up in my head. It's only gotten worse and even individuals that I consider a friend my mind will say hateful or hurtful things or just flat out disgusting things. An I know for a fact my mind is a open book, so then I believe that people believe these horrific things are true about me. Then the compulsions begin, where I'm fighting the lies and a lot of the time, they win. I just want my children back. I want my assets, I want to help people. I'm so tired of being a spectacle. Can I ever trust someone again? Will I ever be happy and I mean truly happy again?

I went to Church this morning, I have been super distant from God but I want to come back. I went to confession yesterday (I’m Catholic) The whole time I was in church I felt so sick and felt like I was gonna pass out. The thoughts were so loud I felt so uncomfortable, and then my siblings came to sit next to me, I have been avoiding them because of what’s going on in my mind I just don’t feel comfortable being around them. I literally had an anxiety attack, I also went up to receive the Eucharist. Both these ocd subtypes just started to go all wacko it made me feel so not good. Whatever is going on with me is literally destroying my life.

i’m 21, 22 in june, and i feel so lost. i don’t know my path and i feel like time is running out. im also struggling with the fact that im now an adult, things considered ‘adulting’ like cooking for yourself, changing your bed, tidying up, washing pots etc. i don’t do, im ashamed to say my mum still does it most of the time for me. my mum has been on vacation, i have so many chores to do and im procrastinating them because i just don’t want to do them. i’m ordering takeout because i dont want to cook, or im having microwave meals. i know i sound like a bratty toddler but the thing is i dont WANT to do these things for myself. i wanna know if anyone else is going through it similarly?

Has anyone else’s health related ocd felt incredibly real? I have convinced myself that I am developing a life long chronic illness. I feel the symptoms of this disease quite strongly and it feels so real. I am not sure if it’s strong anxiety or depression but I do not feel right in my body. I feel sleepy and bad during the day and awake at night. I am so fixated on my energy levels that I have intense stress and panic attacks about it. When I was on Prozac (which I had to stop due to side effects) I didn’t feel these energy limiting symptoms. I do not trust myself to even go to the doctor about it because I am scared I will be wrongfully diagnosed with this disease. I feel bad for those around me at this point because my friends and family don’t know what to do for me. I am struggling to get my work done or do anything at the moment and my exposures are causing intense anxiety attacks. Can anyone give any tips or relate?

Hey everyone I just need some insight My fear is becoming someone that cannot love, or miss people, or connect with others. My fear is being empty without identity too. I think ocd has made me feel empty that I can't really answer questions about myself, that I can't even tell what is a real emotion. I specifically want to become someone who feels love, care, who has a proper identity. Maybe I am already but my brain feels foggy Wren I speak to someone, I am constantly thinking and checking if I am feeling, if I am connecting with them. I have to poke at different brain states to get a bit of emotion I don't really know what's wrong. Any insight is appreciated Growing up I did some bad things like pretend to be a super happy person so that others liked me. This makes me gross. I also wanted people to care about me, to feel cared for, so I would actually pretend to be sick ☹️ this makes me think I am genetically bad I know I had good points when I was younger, but I can't even think about what those are and I can't find the memories. I can only remember the stuff that confirms my fear. I just want to be free, loving, caring

I’m relatively new to exploring my OCD, and have been struggling with this for years but only recently put a name to it and explored the symptoms and tools for managing it. I’ve also recently committed to a relationship, and this post orients heavily around that subject. I’m a sophomore in college, and it’s been a while since I’ve been in a relationship this serious. He’s a junior at a different college about 1.5 hours away. We study two vastly different things, and he’s very occupied with a number of commitments. (This is important later) I told him on one particularly bad morning about how my brain operates and obsessive thoughts that occupy my head, especially about him. I elaborated on fixation and illogical thoughts. He’s attentive and knew something was up, and came up with a mechanism for reassuring me when I’m questioning the validity of his feelings towards me (I would get worked up about the way he said something, or unresponsiveness, or something). I don’t think he knew what he was getting himself into though, and now I feel like a burden to him and should just end things before he can’t handle all my bagage anymore. As indicated, this is the first time in a while that I’ve been in a serious relationship. My past has been riddled with sexual validation instead of emotional and intellectual. I care extremely deeply though about whoever I’m committed to, and with him I bend over backwards to make things happen. He, as indicated, is extremely career focused, and while I think he’s comfortable in our relationship and does like me (further, that we both have a similar desire to love deeply), he will frequently prioritize his career more while trying to “fit me in”. I feel like I’m doing too much for someone that isn’t always reciprocating the same level of effort, but I think the crux of it is that I’ll put everything else aside for him while he manages to balance me, his social life, and career with more ease. Recently, he told me that I call/text/am involved too much. Essentially, that he can’t call me every night and when we do call it’s for hours on end and this is impeding on the rest of his life and it should be scaled down a bit. My brain took this to an extreme, and all I wanted to do is run. Illogical thoughts said this was the beginning of the end, that I’ve messed up a good thing, and that I’ve come on too strong with both my OCD, reassurance, and deep feelings. I haven’t been able to let it go, and have spiraled into all sorts of justifications about what he “really” feels and why. In the moment I was angry, upset, and irrational. I’ve calmed down, and I know these thoughts aren’t logical and further that my brain is attacking me. It’s a flare up, and I recognize that but how do I navigate my OCD with my partner? Also, a little advice would be appreciated. How set boundaries with myself for giving him a little breathing room- now that the novelty of the new relationship is dying down. How does my OCD play into this, especially with analyzing how he feels, and how do I quiet the obsessive thoughts in my head. Disclaimer- I know OCD comes in all types of forms, and that this isn’t the most extreme. My symptoms are very real though, and impede my ability to think and function properly. I appreciate any grace you all have :) thank you.

Went to a birthday celebration with my mom's friend, it wasn't a party or anything more so of a gathering. I felt awkward at first and struggled to speak, but I grew to feel more comfortable. But instead of making an entire storytime I'll just list of things that triggered me and how I dealt with it ! Trigger #1: One asked me if I had a partner currently, mostly since tomorrow is Valentines Day. I remember telling her when I was in a discovery phase that I wasn't straight, now I am straight/demi and Soocd got really triggered because I was asked "partner" and not boyfriend. My real Event OCD got triggered as well from my first relationship (which I've mentioned before, has traumatized me) but instead of saying or doing anything to attempt to "reassure me" I just said "no no no haha" and left it as that. Completely uncertain. "^.^ I may seem gay which that isn't true, but it's not a sin if I was so... oh well if that thought is the case. Trigger #2 (aka most memorable one): I Was told a little kid is coming over, POCD was grinning. I was nervous and even said "Ok, I'm not really a baby person lol.. I'm not good with kids whatsoever" and so the kid came. He is barely a toddler. Me and a member at the gathering was left with the kid to take care of for a while and I said, "haha left it with the two people who doesn't know how to deal with kids. 😅" But oh well, we decided to watch Mickey Mouse with him and as time passed my, my OCD sort of dimmed temporarily.. I began to talk to the kid and make silly gestures. I pointed at things from the video and gave words of encouragement each time he said something. I was then told: "Ok, what do you mean you're not good with kids? You are really GOOD with kids!" I had a suprised smile and it's like my OCD took offense by it. That sort of led to me playing with the kid even when I didn't have to anymore, he played with my bracelets and watched Mickey Mouse as I let him be on my lap. We played peekaboo for a few minutes and we looked at silly filters on Instagram. At one point he began to feel really comfortable and sleepy on me. Etc. I felt like I was no longer crazy, I got to finally see who I really was as a person for once. I was taken pictures of with the little boy in my arms. He was super cute..! --- When I had to leave, the baby began to point towards me and cried. I felt my eyes began to slightly watered suddenly and I waved bye to him. Wow. Huh... Yes my OCD still gave me awful intrusive thoughts at some point, I had scary thoughts such as "What if the baby saw something offensive on my phone? Uh oh that Instagram sticker is odd I'm scared I traumatized him somehow... ugh, did everyone think I was weird? I was awkward, I think?" Which DO NOT answer !!! I didn't answer, and I didn't listen to my mind, I just shook my head and continued on. Oh well if it's true. <:") Ehh ehh you see me sitting with uncertainty again ? 🌝✨️ But uhm.. I'm happy with how this afternoon went and it left me feeling a certain way. OCD makes me feeling a heartless girl and a monster, I never feel as gentle anymore and I feel as if I don't have a sweet heart. But times like these reminds me that OCD is wrong, I am a gentle being. <3

I can’t even function during the day that night replays in my head. I am having trouble eating :/