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I think I may have a health-focused OCD pattern. I’m not trying to diagnose myself, but I can see how my thoughts and behaviors can fall into a cycle. I notice something small on my body a crust, dark spot, bump, soreness, weird feeling, or something that looks different and my brain immediately wants to know exactly what it is. I start thinking: What is that? Is it infected? Is something wrong? What if I’m missing something? What if it gets worse? Then I feel like I have to check it. I look at it in the mirror, touch it, press around it, take pictures, look from different angles, clean it, Google things, or ask someone what they think. For a little while, I feel better when I’m told it doesn’t look serious. But then my brain comes up with another question: What if the picture wasn’t clear enough? What if there’s something deeper? What if they couldn’t see what I can see? What if it changed since the last time I checked? Then I check again. My cycle can look like this: I notice something → I get scared → I check it → I get reassurance → I feel better for a little while → I start doubting again → I check again. Sometimes the checking itself actually makes things worse. If I keep touching, squeezing, stretching, cleaning, or pressing an area, I can irritate the skin and make it sore. Then I feel the soreness and think, See, something really is wrong. So another cycle happens: Small irritation → I keep checking → the area gets more irritated → it becomes sore → I get more worried → I check even more. The soreness is real. I’m not imagining physical sensations. The problem is that once I notice something, I have a hard time leaving it alone until I feel completely certain that nothing is wrong. And even when someone reassures me, that certainty usually doesn’t last very long. I think one of my biggest struggles is uncertainty. My brain wants a definite answer right now. I want to know exactly what something is, why it happened, whether it will go away, whether it could become dangerous, and whether I need to do something about it. But sometimes there just isn’t an immediate answer. What I need to practice telling myself is: “Maybe it’s nothing serious. Maybe I don’t know exactly what it is. I don’t have to figure it out right now.” I also need to learn that having the urge to check doesn’t mean I actually need to check. I can notice the thought: “I want to look again.” And instead of automatically doing it, I can respond: “That’s my OCD wanting certainty. I already checked. I’m going to leave it alone.” That is the part I need to work on resisting the compulsion instead of trying to eliminate every anxious thought. I can still take care of my health. If I have a real change like rapidly spreading redness, major swelling, pus, fever, severe or steadily worsening pain, or another clear warning sign, I can contact a doctor. But I don’t need to monitor every tiny sensation or mark on my body over and over again. My goal isn’t to convince myself that nothing bad could ever happen. My goal is to become comfortable enough with uncertainty that I can say: “I noticed something. I don’t know exactly what it is yet. I’m going to give it time instead of checking it repeatedly.” I want to get to the point where I can notice something on my body without it taking over my entire evening. I want to be able to leave the bathroom, put the mirror down, stop taking pictures, stop touching the area, and move on with my night even if my brain is still asking questions. I don’t have to answer every thought my OCD gives me. I can notice the thought without obeying it.

i don’t know if i even fully have ocd at this point, im not diagnosed but i thought i did for a while because of research but im thinking what if it’s just anxiety? also i feel really weird because when im in public i feel like my eyes keep going places and looking at stuff i know im not attracted to or at least i dont want to be if i am, or i think/imagine really bad thoughts about stuff and it just makes me feel wrong. im also thinking, am i worrying because i feel truly guilty of these things? or am i just worried on how others may perceive me and how i perceive myself? is the shame i get from these things truly because i feel bad or because other people would look at it as bad? that’s if my mental cycles are even true. forgive me for this post but i guess i just want someone to tell me not to worry about it but i know thats just seeking reassurance. thank you for reading if you made it this far

My girlfriend is currently on a trip with a close friend she briefly went on a few dates with in the past. I trust my girlfriend and genuinely believe she has no romantic feelings for this person, but my OCD has completely latched onto the situation and is telling me that she could be cheating on me. I’m really struggling right now. Last night, my girlfriend and I got into an argument about the trip. I told her that I thought the situation was odd and that it made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t trying to accuse her of anything, but understandably, hearing that upset her, and we ended up arguing. Things have been okay today, but I can tell we’ve both been avoiding the conversation a little. We had a text exchange where she reassured me that she loves me and isn’t going to leave me, but I am still extremely triggered. I feel sick to my stomach and absolutely terrified that I’m losing her or that she’s going to leave me. Logically, I know this fear is coming from my OCD. I trust her, and I don’t actually have evidence that anything is wrong. But emotionally, it feels incredibly real right now. I’m having such a hard time sitting with the uncertainty without seeking reassurance or trying to figure out whether everything is okay. I know reassurance is part of the cycle, but right now the fear is so intense that I’m struggling to let it be there without reacting to it. Has anyone else experienced relationship OCD like this?

My partner tries so hard to reassure me when I start spiraling, but after five or six times of repeating himself, I completely understand why he can start to feel frustrated. Unfortunately, when I sense that frustration, it only makes the spiral worse. I get so caught up in my thoughts that I end up asking unfair questions or making statements that don’t actually reflect what I think, feel, or believe about him or our relationship. The hardest part is that I can sometimes recognize in the moment that I’m being irrational, but knowing that doesn’t make the thoughts stop or make it easier to control my reactions. It feels like my mind is moving faster than I can reason with it, and before I know it, I’ve reacted to something I didn’t even truly mean. What scares me the most is the thought that I’m going to push him away or somehow ruin our relationship because of these spirals. I love him deeply, and I don’t want my anxiety or intrusive thoughts to become a burden that he has to constantly carry for me. I don’t know how to stop this pattern yet, and that genuinely scares me. I want to learn how to handle these moments better for myself, but also because for him.

(A bit of a long rant) is there anyone I can talk to about how they cope with a painful, traumatic breakup and how therapy might have helped them instead of social media? I’m not sure if anyone else can relate, but social media doesn’t exactly help. The algorithm on “healing” or “coping with grief” can be too much at times with the “journal prompts” and “reflecting” and then there’s quotes on how nothing can last forever which also doesn’t help. (Gets more complicated) I also tend to struggle with the concept of a “healthy breakup” and my mind fears a “breakup” (another main point) I really need someone to talk to who can probably guide me on this matter (gently from their experience) and especially starting with a therapist? What a therapist would do/ not do My fear is that a therapist would probably end up “triggering” me more by telling me things like “it was for the best” or “there’s no guarantees” “nothing lasts forever” or the “therapist talk” on “healthy things” I understand that with OCD, we can end up looking for guarantees (impulsively) —like wanting certainty that certain things can last forever or that something painful wouldn’t happen again. But I feel like there’s a difference between compulsively needing a guarantee and genuinely needing a bit of comfort to know that there’s still safety in this world and that it can get better or, I’m somehow worthy of things getting better? Especially after going through something traumatic (not sure if it’s OCD overlapping with trauma) hearing “life has no guarantees” reminds you all over again the worst will happen to destroy you. Using ai to vent has also made me realise that it’s been making me worst and I really want to get better. Sometimes ai triggers me by telling me what triggers me. It tells me that some things don’t last forever and it’s okay, it’s like finding beauty in a sunset that doesn’t last. That doesn’t exactly help but feels like another severe blow when I can’t really cope. I feel like I’m in a very fragile space but I feel like I’m too “complicated” to be understood. I just feel like a hallowed out detached ghost floating around in an “unpredictable world” Im also religious in the sense of having faith in a higher power but sometimes I feel like grief has taken a lot from me that I miss the person I used to be before all the pain. It’s like my safety has been completely ruined that I would rather spend my life being isolated, quiet and serving God in a monastery because maybe that’s the only thing that won’t shatter me. When I was younger, I used to be “independent”, I enjoyed my own company, I didn’t feel so scared because I “had” myself. I don’t know if it’s also because I would internally build up walls and could’ve been hyper-independent but maybe I was always just scared of losing the people I love. I really wanna believe things can get better, that I’m “safe”, that I’m going to be “okay” but I can’t. I just feel like I’m floating around because there’s “no guarantees”Being told that technically there's no guarantees feels like it implies that I'm just a punching bag and I can't even protect myself from anything and maybe I won't be able to. The idea of losing again is something I can’t take. I’m not sure if that could reveal things like “anxious attachment” or so but yeah.. lowkey just need a big hug.

I have been dealing with existential ocd for 5 years now. I've been in medication that helped but over time it stopped helping. I have panic attacks every day several times. I don't want to go into detail of my fears, but there are a lot and it's all the same theme. I started to notice that a lot of important moments are flying by me because i'm in constant panic mode and everything is meaningless. I really need hope that it is possible to recover. I'm starting college soon, I don't know if medication will help if I go back, i'm scared to start ERP. I don't know what to do anymore. I cry myself to sleep, I wake up from panic attacks. The only way I don't have this thoughts are in my dreams. Throughout the day, no matter what i'm doing, i'm constantly thinking about it. Please, if someone recovered from death/existential OCD, just tell me it is possible.

Hi everyone, This is somewhat of a complex post, and I have a hard time putting my concerns into words, but I'll try my best. If anything is unclear, I'm happy to answer questions. I want to preface this by saying that I'm not looking for reassurance about whether or not I have OCD. I'm more so trying to understand what "intrusive" means and how to identify what the "intrusive" thing was within my cycles. I was recently diagnosed with OCD by my psychiatrist, and I've been working on OCD-related issues with my therapist. I'm also on a low dose of Lexapro, which has helped take the edge off a lot. One thing that makes me question my diagnosis is that I don't always relate to the way people describe intrusive thoughts. The thoughts that seem to start my obsessional cycles often don't feel intrusive to me. They can feel like completely normal thoughts or questions that I intentionally think about, but then I become extremely distressed by them and get stuck in an obsessive cycle. For example, I've had what I would consider genuinely intrusive thoughts before, such as: "What if I swerved my car into this pack of pedestrians?" Or "What if I threw this baby against the wall?" With those thoughts, I immediately dismiss them without issue. However, I don't actually become stuck on it (obsess). I don't start wondering what the thought means about me, I don't analyze whether I secretly want to do them, and I don't feel the need to perform compulsions to ease any distress. In other words, I handle those intrusive thoughts like a non-OCD person would. My actual obsessional cycles tend to be different. They usually involve something that is genuinely possible in my life. The thought feels like a normal question turns into an extremely important and distressing one. For example, a few months ago, after going through a breakup, I was watching a YouTube video of an ex-couple talking. The comments were all saying that the guy in the video was a manipulative person and possibly a narcissist. Reading those comments made me briefly reflect and then think, "Am I a narcissist?" This thought didn't feel like an intrusive thought in the way the baby/pedestrian thoughts do; rather, it felt like a legitimate question, but one that I spiraled over. I started Googling things like "signs of a narcissist" and "was I an abusive partner." The more I searched, the worse my anxiety became. Eventually I shut my laptop, and I started ruminating specific events from the relationship to try to get rid of the anxiety or find "certainty" that I wasn't a narcissist. This is where the compulsions started: I would mentally review/check my memories for things like whether I had shown affective empathy. I would go over specific interactions and try to determine what my intentions really were. I also confessed mistakes to my friends and told them I was worried that I was a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, abuser, etc. They would look at me and say, "Megan, really? No, you're not a bad person." I also worried about what my ex thought of me, but I never had any courage to ask because I was too worried about their answer. That episode lasted around two weeks, and the same "bad person" concerns have re-emerged since then, although not with the same intensity since starting Lexapro. I understand that it's completely normal to reflect on whether you made mistakes in a relationship, but the way my head went to putting such an extreme label onto small mistakes is what wasn't normal. I know that obsessions are described as intrusive and unwanted thoughts, feelings, urges, or images. But I don't know what my actual "intrusive thought/feeling/urge/images" is in these cycles. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have one. My cycle is: normal(?) question, distress, rumination, memory checking, Googling, reassurance-seeking, confession, etc. I don't perform those compulsions in that order every time. I also don't go into an obsessive cycle every time I intentionally think about something. Sometimes I can think about an upsetting possibility and nothing happens. Other times, something acts as a trigger, or my brain suddenly reminds me of something I could have done wrong, and I get pulled into the cycle. This seems to happen particularly when I'm feeling happy or relaxed, almost as though my brain suddenly finds something to worry about. I've also experienced health anxiety and relationship anxiety in the past. The health anxiety happened from genuine health concerns and lasted for a few years. The relationship anxiety happened because of actual trauma and undealt insecurities. But, within these "themes", I had trouble dealing with uncertainty, which threw me into the cycles. The morality/bad-person theme is what has made me question my OCD diagnosis the most, because the thoughts involved feel more like distressing questions than stereotypical intrusive thoughts. TL;DR: My intrusive thoughts feel different from the thoughts that trigger my OCD cycles. Intrusive thoughts (like imagining hurting someone) feel unwanted, but I can dismiss them without obsessing. My actual OCD cycles seem to start with normal-feeling questions like “Was I manipulative?” or “Am I a bad person?” that cause intense distress and lead to rumination, checking, Googling, and reassurance-seeking. Can OCD work this way, where the initial thought doesn't feel intrusive, but the obsessive cycle develops from the distress and uncertainty surrounding it? Thank you for reading.

Maybe someone who needs to see this will see this... I want to vent my frustrations with the state of the world a bit, and how it fuels my OCD internal struggles, and I guess this is a fine enough place to do it. Would love feedback but I'm also fine shouting into the void. There's been an uproar over a trans woman working as a music teacher in an elementary school. Long story short, a targeted hate campaign by online extremists flooded the school board meeting with hateful messages and angry parents. Nasty things were said, and much of it implied her being malevolent in some way, even perverted, for being herself while in the vicinity of children. Now for context, I worked as a paraeducator for one summer, and that was some of the most difficult and draining work I've done, and I've chopped down trees! So I have a lot of respect for those who teach for a living. It's a thankless job in nearly every way. Bringing the joy of music to kids is probably one of the most noble things you could do with your life, right? Well, this woman was not treated with dignity, nor humanity. And it's not uncommon at all to see this. To get to the point, I'm also a trans woman, and have a traumatic history that resulted in POCD. It's extremely difficult to handle on its own terms, I dealt with it before I came out as trans and I deal with it now. Yet I feel it's actually gotten worse the closer I've gotten to my true self. It's just because the way hateful people talk about the trans community feels like it validates so many of the fears I'm constantly battling. And my OCD brain often echoes those external voices to torment me. It's extremely frustrating that people like me are scapegoated in the first place, but add in my trauma history and the resulting OCD cycle of constant worry, and it sometimes feels like the world is just a cruel joke at my expense. Because these two things were unknown to me all my life, I'm new to having OCD and I'm new to being trans both at the same time, even though of course they've always been true. And it's caused a lot of shame, self doubt, and even doubt from others. Even the most supportive members of my family have expressed doubts about my identity itself due to the prevalence of my mental health concerns... Like they can't unlink those two parts of me in their minds. Add in them finding out about the trauma around that same time, and WOW have they said some insulting, invalidating, and infuriating things about me. The themes I struggle with most seem to be sourced from both my childhood trauma and these hateful and/or ignorant voices of others. And because they're both valid external dangers, it's extremely difficult to see the difference between the intrusive thoughts of self-hate and the external things I hear. So they both end up feeling just as real. And it's hard to say they're not, because they are sourced in reality, and I know the thoughts go off the rails but... Look, when some people may genuinely think I'm demented just for presenting as myself comfortably, if they knew even half the thoughts I struggle with on a daily basis, their suspicions would be confirmed wouldn't they? And I'm especially afraid of that happening with my loved ones. So yeah, I'm dealing with these issues all at once and it feels like an exhausting game of whack-a-mole. Or maybe a hydra, I solve one problem and two more take its place. Thanks for reading, if you read this, and I wish you the best of luck in your own game of whack-a-hydra.

I think I’m experiencing healthy relationships for the first time in my life, and honestly, I didn’t know they could feel this different. I remember my old friends from middle school. One of them left me because I became depressed. She even called me a burden, and that really hurt me because I hadn’t done anything to them. It was their decision to leave me, and honestly, I never really understood why. I was very attached to them at that time. I was always asking how they were doing, and I was always afraid of losing them, even though they rarely cared about me in the same way. They even blocked me on social media. At that time, I was under a huge amount of pressure because of my OCD. I was really struggling, and it was obvious that I wasn’t okay, but they didn’t care at all. My old job was similar. It was very exhausting, and my previous manager used to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Whenever I made a mistake, he would tell me that I didn’t know how to do my job and say many things that made me doubt myself. Eventually, he told me that they didn’t need me anymore and that I wasn’t a good enough employee, even though I worked hard and took my job seriously, probably more seriously than some of the other employees. I was also scared to leave that job. I don’t really know why, but during that period I kept relapsing and going through difficult times again and again. But now things are different. Even my current manager, if something happens at work and he gets a little angry because I made a mistake—and I make some stupid mistakes sometimes 😂—he comes back and apologizes to me afterward. He corrects my mistakes, but he never does it in a way that puts me down or makes me feel worthless. Quite the opposite. I wasn’t used to this kind of treatment. My previous manager used to tell me that I didn’t know how to work and would say many things that made me feel bad about myself. And the funny thing is, my previous manager eventually contacted me again and asked me to work with him because I had experience. But I told him, “I don’t want to work with someone like you again.” My old friends also tried to reconnect with me, but I didn’t give them another chance. And now I have new friendships that are supportive, and one friend in particular who honestly treats me better than all of my old friends did. I never knew that friendship could feel this comfortable. She always gives me positive energy, and sometimes she even helps me with my work when I’m tired. Sometimes I haven’t slept enough and I’m already under a lot of pressure because of my OCD, and having someone who understands that and helps me means a lot. She supports me in my studies and my ideas, and having someone like her in my life gives me so much positive energy. And the support goes both ways. Sometimes she gets busy with her studies, so I try to take some of the pressure off her at work and cover for her when she isn’t there. I also support her emotionally and stay by her side when she needs someone. I think I’m finally starting to understand what healthy relationships actually feel like. It’s a strange but really beautiful feeling to experience this for the first time. 🤍

anyone feel a sense of guilt and shame when even thinking about God, or wanting to read your Bible and pray? and constantly feeling like you’re too broken and a failure to come to Him? I haven’t even been praying or reading my Bible lately and it’s still always in the back of my head that I need to feel guilt and shame.

School started and for the past three days at school, my feelings toward my boyfriend have felt really confusing and different from how they normally feel. I still showed up for him and did things naturally, like holding his hand, leaning on his shoulder, kissing him, talking to him, and sometimes genuinely wanting to be close to him, but emotionally everything felt much more muted. Sometimes I’d look at him and feel almost nothing, sometimes I’d feel disconnected or numb, and other times I’d have this light anxious or static feeling in my chest. My brain kept asking me if I even loved him, why I didn’t feel the way I used to, if I was losing him, if I actually wanted to stay, or if I was just acting like I cared. Had a major spike last week where I was wondering if I did love him and if I wanted to break up with him, and I’ll be like fine I don’t then I’ll force myself what it’s like without him and I regret it . It was really bad since he didn’t talk to me during that week ( strict parents and he works late) then I keep giving up because it felt so real. It’s like I try to think back what we did together but it made it seem like I lost him or he’s slipping away from me . It scared me and I’ll get him something and it will feel fake. After that major spike, everything became strangely blank and muted. Now my brain doesn’t feel as loud or panicked as before, and sometimes I just feel normal, numb, or emotionally flat. Then my brain notices that I’m not panicking and uses that as another reason to question whether I care about him. Even though I’m muted, I still want to hold his hand, lean on him, cuddle him, sometimes kiss him, take care of him when he’s tired or sad, hear his random facts and stories, annoy him and have him annoy me back, and imagine us being lazy together and playing our calming game. I can remember good memories with him and sometimes want to talk to him about them and smile, but I don’t always get the warm or lovey dovey feeling I expect. Sometimes I’m happy with him while still feeling a light anxiety underneath it, and other times I just feel blank. I don’t know whether this muted feeling means my feelings for him have changed or whether my brain is exhausted from constantly checking, especially because my therapist said my brain might be tired from repeatedly doing these checks and might be having trouble figuring out what I actually want. She also mentioned something like ambivalence in relationships and desensitization. Now I feel stuck between wanting to understand what my feelings mean and being completely exhausted from trying to figure them out.

I’ve struggled with OCD since I was a kid, but now that I’m an adult, it shows up in different ways. Because of my low self-esteem and the situation I grew up in, I have hour-long episodes of imagining myself as the perfect person and the person I’ve always wanted to be. Sometimes it’s situations where I’m more in control or I have more respect. It feels almost like I’m a narcissist in my daydreams. Where the perfectionism comes in is that I go through these situations over, and over, and over again until I’ve fallen asleep or someone catches me dissociating. Music helps keep them going. Sometimes, after a movie, I act like the character or I’m interacting with them in my episodes. Because I repeat them over and over, I’ve spent hours doing so. I miss sleep, time with others, or tasks I need to do. I’ve felt alone because of this. No one talks about anything like this. It’s embarrassing to talk about because it shows how low my self-esteem is. I try to give off the "I’m okay," "I’m in control," "I can take care of myself" vibe. Does anyone else go through anything like this?

i’ve been in an episode for so long that i don’t even know what i’m worried about, at this point. i have general ideas of the themes of my worries, but whenever i try to think further about it, it just seems like my brain blanks and there’s just a wave of confusion. my brain isn’t letting go of nervousness even with the wave of confusion because i know that i still feel like i have things to worry about. i feel like i’m somehow annoying my therapist because i don’t even know what i think about everything and i have to identify this stuff in order to progress in ocd therapy. i feel like i’ve been exhausted after being in an almost 4 month long episode and i can’t think anymore but i still know that i have to. bad things keep happening and piling on to everything as well… don’t know how i’m going to get through this terrible time in my life.

Question for the women in this group — has anyone else noticed their OCD getting significantly worse at certain points in their menstrual cycle? I’ve noticed that my OCD tends to spike the week after my period, sometimes it’s the week before / during, but there seems to be a pretty noticeable hormonal pattern for me. What’s especially frustrating is that some weeks I feel like I have a lot of control - I can recognize my thoughts, practice my ERP responses, and actually see that it works. Then I’ll have a week like this where my mind is racing and the thoughts feel so much more intense, and it almost feels like I’m back at square one. I’m already on an SSRI and my OBGYN suggested trying birth control pill, but I’m hesitant because I’ve had a bad experience with it in the past. Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, have you found anything that helps during those weeks? I’d especially love to hear from anyone who has dealt with the hormonal/cyclical aspect of OCD and what worked for them.🩵

Question for the women in this group — has anyone else noticed their OCD getting significantly worse at certain points in their menstrual cycle? I’ve noticed that my OCD tends to spike the week after my period, sometimes it’s the week before / during, but there seems to be a pretty noticeable hormonal pattern for me. What’s especially frustrating is that some weeks I feel like I have a lot of control - I can recognize my thoughts, practice my ERP responses, and actually see that it works. Then I’ll have a week like this where my mind is racing and the thoughts feel so much more intense, and it almost feels like I’m back at square one. I’m already on an SSRI and my OBGYN suggested trying birth control pill, but I’m hesitant because I’ve had a bad experience with it in the past. Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, have you found anything that helps during those weeks? I’d especially love to hear from anyone who has dealt with the hormonal/cyclical aspect of OCD and what worked for them.🩵

This is very personal and very weird and I think it might be gross to some people. But it’s giving me a lot of anxiety it has been since yesterday and this morning and yesterday. But I need to talk about it and this is the only place I thought of going to because I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it right now. And it sometimes brings me comfort to talk about certain things on here so maybe I can get some help or advice or help. Or some insight or recommendations or insight. This is pretty embarrassing for me to talk about I think. But I need some help. So I’ll just start now. So basically I’ve been trying to use my vibrator since yesterday and it was working the first couple of times and I finally got the feeling I was looking for if you know what I mean. But after the first few times it stopped working for me and I couldn’t feel what I wanted to feel. And that didn’t give me so much anxiety but what did was the fact that I couldn’t remember what it felt like and the sensation and what it felt like. I tried picturing it in my mind but I just couldn’t do it which gave me a lot of anxiety. But what’a giving me anxiety now is that my vibrator is just not working for me right now. I don’t know if trying to remember the feeling and not being able to picture or remember or picture the feeling is giving me anxiety anymore but it still might be both things the vibrator not working and not being able to remember what it feels like when it does work and the vibrator not working. I know it’ll work for me eventually but I just don’t know when and I just keep telling myself that it’ll work again and it’s not like it’s never gonna work again and give me that feeling that I’m looking for. I just keep telling myself that it’ll work again. And I hope it does. Because it’s really bothering me and giving me really bad anxiety and it’s really bothering me. I might just have to lay on the floor on my stomach lol and listen to some of my favorite music with my head down or propped up on my arms or keep my head down. It sometimes helps with the anxiety of it all and everything that’s giving me anxiety and it helps with the anxiety. I just want this anxiety to go away already. And I’m hoping it will gradually subside gradually and go away on its own. But I just don’t know if it will unfortunately. Anyways that’s all I wanted to talk about. For now. I’ll probably be posting more throughout the day because like I said it kind of helps alleviate some of the persistent anxiety of what’s bothering me. Thank you for reading and listening and reading this. Any advice is greatly appreciated or just tips and tricks on how to get this to stop bothering me anymore. I hope you all have a good morning a good evening a good afternoon and a goodnight and a good morning:) I hope I can get through this day I really do. And I’ll try to. I hope I can get through this day I really do.

I think I’m sexually attracted to everyone. I’m serious. If I picture sex with ANYONE I have the same reaction. I can’t feel it no matter who it is. My partner found out that I did this towards someone and got angry and believes I shouldn’t be sexually attracted to anyone else. I confessed to one but now there’s more- if I imagine sex with my ex, my neighbor, a friend- I have the same reaction and groinal response. I had to confess it and now he probably won’t talk to me ever again. I don’t know what to do anymore. My partner is very against the idea of this and I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t want to feel this. After a huge breakdown he told me that it’s okay, he’s not mad he just wants me to get better but I can’t be with him if I have these feelings. And they’re not unwanted intrusive thoughts, it’s a thought I’ll have to see how I’d feel and then the feeling is usually yeah, I’d do that. Why??? People say this is normal but it’s a boundary in my relationship to NOT have sexual attraction to others. I also don’t mean like a simple “damn he’s hot!” becuase we both do this, I mean *feeling it* when I imagine scenarios with said people.

My best friend started talking about a girl we went to high school with and how much she hated her for doing bad things. I immediately got hit with a bunch of intrusive thoughts because I wasn’t a good person in the past either and I’m sure people talk about me the same way and I feel so irredeemable. I’m no longer even close to who I was but seeing how people might view my past self makes me want to crawl into a hole forever. I know that I have nobody to blame but myself. The guilt is there all day everyday and circumstances like this make me feel like my change will never be enough. I just want to start over 💔 I can never forgive myself

Recently I’ve felt I have had ocd for longer than I’ve thought because one, I just successfully weened off my lexapro after 5 years of being on it. Before that i remember having repeating thoughts that caused me to dissociate but neither me or my therapist at the time came to that conclusion until now. ( I’ve realized I needed to experience life off meds and heal myself so this isn’t me saying get on meds lol ) healing is possible and I’ll explain in this post. What really made me notice recently is when started dating someone who triggers it. Not because they’re bad. Quite literally the opposite. They have been so good and genuine that I always have a fear that I’m not good enough for this person. Or that I’m too broken. (Them being very attractive doesn’t help either ha) So, I am constantly at war with these thoughts, trying to catch them and block them out. I learned what I need to do but practicing it and accepting him is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because instead of self sabotaging(breaking up with him) I’m challenging myself to accept him. Before I continue, I know It stems from childhood, i was bullied in elementary and constantly compared to other people by my mom in my earliest years. I’ve come so far to heal this part of me and I’ve noticed a huge difference in my behavior towards women (who I feel most intimidated by) but recently with my boyfriend of 3 months; has invited me out to be social and hang out with his friends and their girlfriends. This made my stomach drop. Instantly a huge trigger that I forgot was still there. I know his friends are important to him and that he wants me to be involved with his social life just by how often he talks about us all hanging out. The first hang out I managed to overcome my anxiety and be present and socialize normally, the second time it was like I had to make sure I lived up to that moment and that put even more pressure on myself. And so the thought loops began. The persistent thought/ feeling that causes my anxiety is that i will be judged and not seen up to par if i can’t be present. I have a fear of being perceived in a negative way. So I tried to practice affirmations and work on my self perception until.. a thought came up and sent me into a spiral I was battling with for a month. Eventually after so long and felt like it was winning and taking over my body and mind, that I couldn’t even be present with him- I could it pushing him away. Almost immediately the next time I saw him I managed to snap out of it and focus on him instead of myself. I knew I needed to be present no matter what and if nothing else, that gives us something to work with. The fact he still wants to be with me, supports me and loves me even after being emotionally unavailable for some periods - is mind blowing to me!! I’m in complete awe. Honestly. But that is the part of me that didn’t think I could have nice things. Something I read “your allowed to be loved while you’re broken” While I feel like I’m slowly starting to accept that, i just have these leftover ruminating thoughts that if I can’t be social with his friends like he wishes me to, he might think I’m less worthy and not meant for him. I’ve worked on self help and watched many videos on the internet on manifesting, abundance, self esteem. But it only feels like scratching the surface before all these feelings come flooding back when I’m triggered by the situations again. Like one step forward two steps back. I know working on acceptance would save me so much suffering because just dealing with this causes so much shame. I know it stems from negative programming as a kid, when my parents were too immature to healthily parent me. I was beat with belts, hangers, brushes, and scarred with name calling, comparing to other kids and just endless rage till I was 14 years old. I still don’t know if I’ve healed my wounds but something tells me it will be a life long journey and I’m so ready to heal. So Yes I’ve forgiven my parents as I’ve come to terms that these things teach us lessons, and make us stronger in who we are. Feeling like a victim only prolongs suffering. My goal is to find radical acceptance in who I am, my life as a whole and embrace the good people that come in my life with no ounce of avoidance or fear of rejection. So if having OCD is what came out of my trauma I really want to understand it and keep moving forward. All these are just pieces of a really jagged fucked up puzzle. A song that kind of explains my whole situation is “why do I cry” These are the lyrics I relate to in a nutshell. “Why do I cry? Even when we had such a beautiful evening, I still feel sad… sad that I could only spend one night away with you. “ Like I’ll never be at peace until I accept good things into my life..

I dont know why i got this achievement, and especially on today of all days. I had the craziest week last week with unexpectedly being sent from a routine obgyn appointment directly to the hospital for an induction (38 weeks pregnant) due to preeclampsia and developing HELLP syndrome and ultimately having a c section. Then had a 7 day hospital stay because my blood pressure was at dangerous levels and kept spiking despite medication. I had really bad OCD themes around labor and had been working with my therapist for months to reduce those symptoms. One of my fears was having an IV, and needles in general. I spent months doing needle/IV exsposures. Then at the hospital, I had an iv in for 7 days straight (at one point 2 ivs) and was getting blood draws at least once a day, usually multiple times a day (the first day I had my blood drawn at least 7 times in 24 hours). I did fine. I didnt enjoy it, but it wasnt horrible. My work in therapy really paid off. I even watched them pull out the IV before I left. My other big fear was regional anesthesia (epidural/spinal taps) my OCD was convinced it would cause me to become either paralyzed or give me chronic leg pain. It was partially magical thinking OCD. I felt like me making the decision is part of what would make it happen (like a true emergency c-section wouldn't hurt me, but if I choose a c-section it would. I ultimately was put in the position I had to choose if I wanted a spinal tap (they also offered general anesthesia and both had risks. My platelets were low and I was at a higher risk for bleeding.) These anesthesiologist told me to my face paralysis was a risk of the spinal tap, and I was at a higher risk for it. I felt like my OCD was closing in so bad in that moment, because this was *EXACTLY* what I spent 9 months being afraid of. But I used my strategies from therapy, and i made my decision based on values and not fear. The spinal tap allowed me to be awake during the surgery and see my son born, and my husband to be in the room, whereas the general anesthesia neither me nor my husband could see the birth of our son. Also, general anesthesia just generally carries more risk than a spinal tap. I made my decision based on those values and told my OCD to shut up. I was petrified. Sitting to get the spinal tap was so terrifying. But once it was in my back, I felt a little peace, because no matter what, I did it, I didnt let fear win, and I made decisions for myself and not for my mental illness. I guess the biggest thing I learned is those skills in therapy really work. They can be used to manage my OCD. And those skills I learned from months of working on those themes, they didnt remove the discomfort or fear, but they stopped fear from controlling me. I literally couldn't have imagined myself doing that a few months ago. And no, Im not paralyzed now so thats great, but the best part to me is that while I waited for the numbness to wear off I didnt sit and stress about whether or not Id ever walk again, I HELD MY PRECIOUS NEWBORN SON, and the OCD whispered a couple of times I may never walk, but I ignored it, and I stayed in the moment with my sweet baby boy 🩵💙🩵💙