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*This is not intended to be used for your own medication treatment. Please consult your medical provider for your own treatment.* Today I was prescribed Lexapro. If anyone takes this, how did this help you with OCD and anxiety symptoms? I know that people have differing reactions to mental health medication, but was just curious.

The only thing keeping me from getting rid of my pocd theme is the false attraction. At least I really hope and pray it is. I just can't get over it. How did you guys overcome that part?

Hi all! Just been realizing that a lot of the heaviness I carry is due to grief about my family. I had a bad traumatic childhood, and my current family doesn’t want to get better and seems like they are waiting for someone to save them. I’ve always felt like a burden. I am feeling this more recently due to the natural separation from family that occurs when engaged/getting married. Any advice or words of love would be appreciated…

Hello everyone, I would like to describe a situation involving my partner that has been bothering me a lot ever since it happened. I would like to know how you perceive my behavior and whether I am spiraling into compulsive overanalysis or whether my doubts are understandable. Most of all, I want to learn how to break out of this constant questioning and this need to find out exactly what really happened. The situation in the bathroom My partner was in the bathroom. The bathroom door was open, and while he was in there, I did not hear a single thing. It was completely silent—not a single sound. Since, from my perspective, he had already been in the bathroom for quite a while and I had not heard anything from him at all, I eventually assumed that he had already left the house. As I approached the bathroom and was almost there, he suddenly came out and quickly gave me a hug. I then asked him what he had been doing in the bathroom for so long. He said that he had not done anything except briefly wash his hands and then come straight back out. This made me suspicious because I had not heard him at all during his entire time in the bathroom, even though the door was open. So I asked him why I had not heard anything. He explained that he had only turned the water on slightly. This was his explanation for why I might not have heard him washing his hands. Nevertheless, this does not make sense to me. I had the impression that he had been in the bathroom considerably longer than would be expected for briefly washing his hands and then immediately coming back out. What particularly bothers me is that, in my estimation, he was definitely in the bathroom for longer than five minutes. To me, that amount of time simply does not fit with the idea that he only briefly washed his hands and then came straight back out. As far as I know, he did not use the toilet or do anything else that would explain why he was in there for so long. This contradiction is what I cannot stop thinking about. He says he only washed his hands briefly and then came straight back out. However, I have the impression that he was in there for much longer. I cannot understand how these two things could be consistent with each other. Because of this, I am afraid that he lied to me or did not tell me the whole truth. However, I do not know that for certain. I am finding it very difficult to cope with the situation right now because I desperately want to understand what actually happened. What I noticed at the sink afterward Approximately 10–12 minutes after he came out of the bathroom, I went into the bathroom myself to take a closer look at the sink. By that point, the sink was almost completely dry. The gray ring directly around the drain was slightly damp. In addition, a small amount of water had collected in a little indentation where the ring meets the ceramic. There was also a small droplet of water hanging from the faucet. There were no noticeable splash marks. Overall, there was very little water visible. His clothes were not wet shortly after he had been in the bathroom. I also could not see any indication that he had dried his hands on his clothes. The towel was not wet either. Because I desperately wanted to understand whether the condition of the sink could be consistent with his explanation, I later conducted my own comparison. I washed my hands and deliberately used only a small amount of water. Afterward, I looked at how wet the sink was. In my experiment, the sink was slightly wetter than it had been when I checked it approximately 10–12 minutes after his visit to the bathroom. It was the same bathroom, no window was open, and the temperature probably had not changed significantly in the meantime. I also tried to take into account the time between when he supposedly washed his hands and when I checked the sink later. This comparison made me think about the situation even more because I concluded from it that he must have been in the bathroom longer than he claimed. However, I cannot assess for myself how reliable or meaningful this comparison actually is. Why I get so caught up in this The problem is that I cannot simply let the situation go. I keep going over every detail in my mind: How long was he in the bathroom? Why did I hear nothing? Why was the sink almost dry? Does his explanation fit with what I saw afterward? Could things nevertheless have happened the way he says they did? I try to connect the different observations to figure out whether his explanation could be true. At the same time, I realize how much this constant analyzing is affecting me. I check details, compare situations, and try to draw a definite conclusion from small things. Nevertheless, I never achieve any real certainty, and I start all over again. I am afraid that he lied to me. At the same time, I do not know whether my conclusion is actually justified or whether I am focusing so intensely on the duration and the individual details because I feel compelled to find an explanation. I realize that I am currently struggling to cope with not having a definite answer. I want to know what happened, and I find it very difficult to sit with the thought that he might not have been honest with me.

Guys, how do you stop obsessing over really meaningless details as if they were SO important? 😭 Today, a woman and her child were walking in front of me, and the child dropped her bottle right in front of my feet. I automatically bent down, picked it up, and handed it to her. This happened a few hours ago, and I still can’t stop thinking about it. Like, WHY DID I DO THAT? 😭 I’ve washed my hands more than seven times and cleaned my phone five times. I also didn’t like their energy, and I wish I hadn’t picked up the bottle in the first place. I talked to my mom about it, and she was like, “People out there have real problems. What the hell are you even talking about?” But in my brain, this feels like a REALLY big deal, you know? 😭 Does anyone else experience this? How do you deal with it?

I was diagnosed with OCD in 2022. It’s been a journey struggling with it and all the different themes OCD can throw my way. This year has been a great year of not being consumed by OCD. Fast forward to the end of September-present day, I feel like I jinxed myself by realizing how good my mental health has been, that out of nowhere OCD gave me a new theme. To me, this is the worst OCD theme I’ve ever had. OCD has hit me with POCD. Just when I thought I’ve come so far and have overcome OCD’s tricks, it throws this new POCD theme at me. Again, it’s the worst type of OCD I’ve dealt with. It’s scary and makes me so anxious. I had a panic attack about it lastnight. If anyone is also struggling with POCD or is struggling a lot with their OCD in general, any words of wisdom or advice would be appreciated greatly.

these past 2-3 months have been super hard on me. my health has been off lately and everythings triggering. its hard to keep this all to myself since my family doesnt really understand and sometimes try to do things to trigger me more, but i feel like this is never going to end and ive been crying over remembering who i used to be before i let all of this consume me, and my daily life. so far ive been diagnosed with pots and mcas. i was disgnosed with pots in 2022, and mcas mid 2025. Symptoms from them two trigger my health ocd severely and can be debilitating. ive had some other things happening that doctors refuse to look into because they "tried everything". im scared ill feel like this forever, i miss who i was before all of this even happened. im only 17 and i feel like my life is over, i just need guidance and maybe some people that relate. thank you for listening <3.

my mother goes on and on about this but it’s kinda my only option at the moment and she also scares me a bit with how badly she talks about them. how bad are they really?

“I want to meet someone who makes me feel like music does.” - Lee Felix of Stray Kids I 100% agree with Felix on this, but I am afraid that no one will make feel like music does. Completely and wholly accepted and loved. My friends do but that’s different. I love my friends don’t get me wrong but I want someone who will hold me, give me his sweater and comfort me when I am scared, like music does. I am only 13 so I shouldn’t be worried about these things yet but I just wonder, at a point when you realize that every single girl at your school looks better than you, what should you do? I don’t like the at I look but if I say that my mom will just tell me off about how that’s silly and I’m making it a big deal. I just don’t know what to do, I wish someone would find me funny and sweet, someone who I would not have to put on a mask for. I hear about girls my age having boyfriends and I mostly think that’s stupid because none of the boys my age are mature whatsoever so they will dump a girl in a heartbeat. Yesterday I was talking with my teacher casually and she was comparing me with this guy in my class, Grifin. She was talking about how we are both smart but I am more emotionally smart and he is booksmart, she said that I am booksmart too but I am capable of social interaction and he isn’t. The funny thing is that she isn’t wrong. 😂 And I took that as a compliment, she said that if someone has a social issue she sends them to me to ask what they should do, she said that I am just naturally good at it which I take as a huge compliment. It’s just that if I am so socially smart wouldn’t someone find me attractive? No one has ever liked me as far as I know of and I feel bad for wanting someone to like me but I just want to feel what it’s like. Middle school has a Winter Formal this year and I want someone to ask me to it but at the same time I don’t because I wouldn’t know what to do, it would be so awkward. Well I need to get to sleep but if anyone has any advice please tell me. Thank you

I'm struggling badly and honestly reaching out for help from people who understand. Please read if you can. I don't even really know where to start with this, but I'm going to try because I'm struggling so badly right now, and I honestly don't know where else to turn. I'm hoping there are people here who have experienced what I'm experiencing, especially men, although I welcome anyone who can relate. I'm 40 years old, married, a Christian, and a man who is absolutely exhausted from living inside his own head. I'm not talking about having a bad day or feeling anxious once in a while. I'm talking about feeling like I haven't experienced genuine peace in who knows how long. My mind is constantly going, my body feels constantly on edge, and I feel like I'm always waiting for something bad to happen. I'm scared of people. I'm scared of being hurt, attacked, judged, or having something from my past come back and destroy my life. I'm scared of making mistakes, of consequences, of prison, of losing everything, and of things I can't control. I struggle to trust people, my own judgment, my own thoughts, and sometimes even my own perception of what's happening around me. It's like my brain doesn't know how to let me live anymore. One of my biggest struggles is fear surrounding my past. I have things I regret, things I feel ashamed of, and things my mind keeps bringing back to me. I get caught up worrying about whether something from years ago could come back, whether there could be consequences, whether I've somehow overlooked something, and whether my future could be ruined. I can be doing something completely ordinary, scrolling Facebook, seeing a name, remembering an old interaction, or hearing something that reminds me of the past, and suddenly I'm right back in a spiral. My mind starts connecting things, analyzing conversations, imagining possibilities, and trying to figure out whether I'm in danger. I know this is where OCD can take over. I know that rumination, checking, and reassurance-seeking can keep the cycle going. But knowing that doesn't make it easy when the fear feels so real that I can barely think about anything else. And it's not just the fear of consequences. It's the shame. I struggle to look at myself in the mirror and genuinely like the person I see. I think about my mistakes and feel disgusted with myself. Sometimes I feel like I've been pretending to be okay my whole life while inside I've been scared, ashamed, and constantly trying to protect myself from something going wrong. I question whether I'm a good person. I question whether I deserve peace. I question whether I'll ever be able to move forward and enjoy my life without feeling like something terrible is hanging over my head. I feel like I'm carrying the weight of my entire life every single day, and I don't know how to put it down. The worst part is that the fear isn't limited to one thing. It's EVERYTHING. I'm afraid of what people might do to me. I'm afraid of what they might think of me. I'm afraid of my past. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of uncertainty. I'm afraid of my own thoughts. I can be sitting at home with my wife and dogs, with nothing actually happening, and still feel this constant dread in my body and mind. I don't feel safe in my own head. When one fear settles down, another one takes its place. I feel like I never get a break. I'm exhausted from constantly trying to figure out what I'm afraid of, why I'm afraid, whether the fear means something, and how to make it stop. Sometimes I just want to disappear from everyone's radar. Not because I want to die, but because I want to stop feeling so exposed, so frightened, so ashamed, and so mentally exhausted. I want to exist without analyzing everything and anticipating the next disaster. I want to enjoy a normal day. I want to sit with my wife and actually be present. I want to go somewhere without feeling threatened. I want to stop looking at every person, situation, memory, or thought as a possible danger. I want to LIVE instead of spending every day trying to survive my own mind. And here's the frustrating part: I KNOW ABOUT OCD. I've worked with a NOCD therapist. I was able to do about two months of therapy, and I was learning and working on things, but money got in the way and I couldn't continue. I didn't stop because I didn't care about getting better. I stopped because I couldn't afford to keep going. I know what ERP is. I understand the cycle of obsessions, anxiety, compulsions, rumination, and temporary relief. I understand that chasing certainty and repeatedly seeking reassurance can make things worse in the long run. But there is a huge difference between understanding something intellectually and being able to apply it when you're terrified and your whole body feels like it's in danger. I KNOW what I'm supposed to work on. I KNOW that I can't keep feeding every fear. I KNOW I need to practice tolerating uncertainty. But I'm still struggling terribly. Sometimes I get so frustrated because I understand all these concepts, yet I'm still sitting here feeling miserable, frightened, ashamed, and completely worn down. I feel like I'm doing my best to fight this, but I can't seem to get any real breathing room. I want therapy. I want to keep learning ERP. I want to get better. But right now, finances are a real barrier, and I'm trying to figure out how to keep moving forward while struggling this badly. My faith is another huge part of this. I'm a Christian, and I believe in God's forgiveness. I believe in His Word, and I want to trust Him with my life and my future. I read my Bible and pray, and I want to learn how to put my fears in His hands. But I'm still scared. I'm still ashamed. I'm still anxious. I'm still struggling to find peace. Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I know what I believe, yet my mind and body continue to react with fear. I don't want to feel like I'm failing God because I can't seem to get my anxiety under control. I want to learn how to trust God while I'm afraid, not feel like I have to eliminate every anxious thought before I can trust Him. If you're a Christian who struggles with severe OCD, guilt, shame, fear of consequences, or fear of your past, I'd especially appreciate hearing how you've navigated that. My marriage is also affected by this. My wife knows I'm struggling. I love her, and I understand that she can't fix me or be responsible for my recovery. She has her own life and struggles, and I don't expect her to be my therapist. But sometimes I wish she would take the time to learn about what I'm experiencing. I wish she could understand that this isn't me choosing to worry or being dramatic. I'm genuinely struggling to cope with my own mind. When I try to explain it and feel like she doesn't really understand, I get hurt and sometimes angry. Then I feel guilty because I know it's not her battle to fight. It can be incredibly lonely to be struggling this much internally while the people around you don't necessarily see or understand the full extent of it. I'm not blaming her. I'm just being honest about how isolating this can feel. So I'm reaching out here because I need to hear from people who have genuinely been through something similar. I'm not looking for someone to promise me that nothing bad will happen, tell me that my past is definitely fine, or reassure me about specific fears. I know that isn't what recovery is about, and I don't want to turn this post into another reassurance-seeking cycle. I want to hear from people who know what it's like to feel constantly afraid, who have experienced severe OCD that affects multiple areas of their lives, and who have struggled with the kind of shame and dread that makes it hard to enjoy anything. I'm especially hoping to hear from people who have dealt with: - Fear of prison, legal consequences, or something from their past coming back years later. - Feeling like past mistakes make them a bad person or someone who doesn't deserve peace. - Being afraid of people, feeling constantly on guard, or imagining that others might hurt them. - Not being able to trust their own thoughts, memories, judgment, or feelings. - Having one OCD theme fade only for another frightening theme to take its place. - Feeling anxious and miserable almost all day, even when nothing particular is happening. - Knowing about ERP and understanding the OCD cycle but still struggling to put the skills into practice. - Feeling isolated because their spouse, family, or friends don't fully understand the severity of what they're going through. - Struggling to reconcile their Christian faith with persistent fear, guilt, and anxiety. - Having to pause therapy because of financial difficulties and trying to figure out how to keep going. If you've been in this place, I really want to hear from you. How bad did things get for you? What did the daily struggle actually feel like? Did you ever feel like your brain had turned against you and you couldn't trust anything it was telling you? Did you ever feel like you would never experience peace again? What genuinely helped you? Not just what sounds good in theory, but what helped you when you were exhausted, scared, and struggling to put ERP into practice? If you had to stop therapy because you couldn't afford it, how did you find support and continue working on recovery? And if you reached a point where you could finally enjoy ordinary life again, I'd really like to hear what that process looked like for you. I'm not asking because I expect someone here to fix my life. I know recovery takes work, and I know I have a part to play in it. I'm asking because I'm struggling badly, and I need to hear from people who understand this kind of suffering from the inside. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way. I don't want fear and shame to define every day. I want to be a better husband, live out my faith, enjoy my life, and stop feeling like I'm constantly waiting for something terrible to happen. Right now, I feel exhausted and overwhelmed, and I don't know how to get from where I am to where I want to be. If you've experienced anything like this, please share your story. Even if you're still struggling and haven't figured everything out, I'd appreciate hearing from you. You don't need to have a perfect recovery story to respond. I just want to know I'm not the only man out here fighting this battle, and I'd be grateful to hear from people who understand. Thank you for reading all of this. I know it's a lot, but I needed to be honest about where I'm at.

I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the availability of OCD care. First of all, I have an ERP therapist, and I really, really enjoy her as a person. However, I feel like the approach we’re actively working on in therapy is ineffective for me, and maybe even counterproductive. I struggle with taboo themes, and currently, most of our sessions consist of her writing a script or finding one in a book, reading it to me or having me read it, and then repeatedly rating my anxiety until it reaches a 1 on the SUDS scale. One of my biggest compulsions is internal checking. I constantly find myself asking, “Am I anxious? Am I distressed enough by that thought? Why aren’t I more distressed? A normal person would be way more uncomfortable than me. There must be something wrong with me,” and so on. The SUDS scale approach feels like it’s encouraging me to do exactly that. When I explained to my therapist that this approach wasn’t working for me and why, her response was, “We’ll just let those thoughts float by like a cloud.” LADY. If I could just do that, these thoughts wouldn’t have half the grip on me that they do. 😭 I feel like I haven’t learned a single actual tool to help me manage my OCD, redirect myself, use disengagement techniques, or recognize and stop performing compulsions. I’ve read tips and advice online, but I feel like I need more than that. When I try to apply those techniques myself, I get sucked right back into the cycle and end up performing compulsions without even realizing it. I need someone who can actually help me learn and practice these skills, not just tell me what I should be doing. On top of all this, I have state health insurance, and finding my current therapist in the first place was a TOTAL WAR. She has no reviews or ratings that I can find; the only information available is her brief educational description. She is literally THE ONLY provider in my area who specializes in OCD, and I feel insanely stuck. (And yes, I already checked the IOCDF directory. That’s how I found her to begin with.) I even called NOCD to see if they would be willing to enter into a single-case agreement with my insurance for out-of-network treatment if my insurance authorized it, and they said no. I’m pregnant, and I’m genuinely scared. I just want to learn how to manage my OCD before my baby comes so I can properly bond with my baby without being petrified to be alone with them. I know I don’t need to be 100% better before my baby arrives, but I desperately want to get to a place where I feel more equipped to handle my thoughts instead of constantly feeling consumed by them. I’m just so frustrated. How is someone supposed to get better when the treatment they have access to doesn’t feel effective, but finding alternative treatment is practically impossible? It genuinely feels like: “Hey! Here’s this absolutely debilitating mental health disorder. Have fun with that!! Oh, and when you finally decide you’re brave enough to get treatment for it, it’ll be nearly impossible to access! Good luck! MWAHAHAHAHA!” If anyone has advice, recommendations for OCD specialists who accept state insurance in Washington, helpful websites, resources, or even just some sympathy, I would genuinely appreciate it. I’m exhausted from trying to navigate all of this, and I just want help.

i have been with my boyfriend for almost 2.5 years and he is the love of my life. i want my future with him and want to marry him. we spend so much time together and i love hanging out with him and don’t ever want him to leave my house when we hang out. throughout our relationship i have avoided certain situations with other men because i don’t want to make my boyfriend upset and i don’t want something to happen and me get put into a bad situation. towards the very beginning of our relationship i unfollowed all of the insignificant guys on instagram, tiktok, snapchat etc. i have been so so loyal in our relationship to the point its almost concerning to some people. 2 months ago i had this debilitating fear that came out of nowhere that told me “what if i cheated on my boyfriend before i removed all of those guys and i don’t remember” i removed those guys a week after we started dating. and ever since then i have been in the worst place i have ever been. all i do is cry, can’t eat, no motivation to do anything and all i do is think and get stuck in my thoughts all day long. i do have some severe compulsions. i go through old photos, i recovered data from snapchat, tried to get data from instagram, and piecing together timelines all day to try and figure out if it even happened or not. i do not remember any specific conversations at all with any male online during that first week or any conversation at all. first it started with one guy i used to have conversations with before my boyfriend and i was worried it overlapped to when we started dating and then it got me thinking about to a different guy i talked to a couple years ago and then i wondered if i had him on snapchat when my boyfriend and i were dating. i saw that they both liked my tiktok’s from march 2024 and the last time the second one reacted to my bereal was in march 2024. i started talked to my boyfriend in april 2024 and we started dating june 2024 i have never had any thought like this at all i have NO memory at all of even talking to these guys when my boyfriend and i first started dating but my brain is showing me memories and trying to convince me i did. there is absolutely no evidence i ever did this. cheating is one of my biggest fears and it feels so real and i can feel it physically. i don’t know if it’s a real memory or a fake one my brain is making up. my relationship is my priority and i would absolutely never do anything to hurt our relationship and these thoughts are really really unlike me. i just don’t know what to do because i feel so so guilty and i have been avoiding my boyfriend because of the guilt i feel i want to tell my boyfriend to get it off my chest but i don’t even remember doing anything. we started dating when i was 16 and he was 15 and i turn 19 soon. please please help i feel so alone

I’m curious if anyone else finds coloring books actually stress-inducing. Very rarely do I actually end up feeling calm by the time I finish a coloring page. I usually get overwhelmed and give up 1/3 of the way through coloring. Does anyone else feel this way?

Hey everyone, I'm a student, and honestly, I've been struggling with something for a while now. I think it might be OCD, possibly Pure O or mental OCD, but I haven't been officially diagnosed, so I'm not sure. Basically, I get these intrusive thoughts about different things, and once one gets into my head, I end up overthinking it for hours. I keep imagining different worst-case scenarios, analysing everything again and again, and looking for reassurance just to feel okay. Sometimes I finally feel like I've figured things out and can relax, but then the doubt comes back, or my mind finds something else to worry about. I also catch myself constantly checking people's expressions and reactions because I'm worried about what they might think of me. It's not just mental either. I get a racing heartbeat, an uneasy feeling in my chest and stomach, and sometimes I just can't seem to relax, even when there's nothing happening around me. It can affect my sleep too. The thing that's really frustrating me lately is how frequently these thoughts are coming up. I'm a student, and I genuinely want to focus on my studies, but I end up spending so much time stuck in my head that concentrating becomes difficult. It's honestly exhausting because I know I have things to do, but my mind just won't leave me alone. Another problem is that, because of my personal circumstances, getting professional help isn't really an option for me right now. I might have to deal with this on my own for a while, and that honestly worries me. So I wanted to ask people who have experienced OCD or anxiety a couple of things: 1. Can things actually get better on their own without therapy or medication? Or do these symptoms usually keep getting worse if you leave them untreated? I'd really like to hear from people who've genuinely improved without professional help. 2. What has actually helped you manage these thoughts in everyday life? Especially if you're a student and need to study while dealing with constant overthinking and anxiety. I'd really appreciate answers, especially from people who've been through something similar. Thanks for reading.

This is another heavy topic, I tried posting about it yesterday but I deleted it as I dont think I was ready to post about it yet. I ended up relapsing with porn yesterday, specifically animated porn. I still feel really gross about it and wish I didn't relapse. It's made me realise that my OCD is very much linked to pornography and the stuff I have seen without wanting to. I don't want to see that stuff anymore. Im still kind of spiraling right now actually. Does anyone have any advice?

im 17, ive had ocd for a long while but its only been getting worse. everyday its something to be afraid of, i csnt control my thoughts or emotions whatsoever. im really struggling rn and ive tried everything i just cant shake it. my ocd is grabbing onto anything, its like one spiral after another and i dont know when somethings going to genuinely help me, i dont really know what to do, anytime i think anything i feel like im manifesting it and that itll happen, i havent been able to watch tv or scroll through social media in case i see something and take it as a sign. im having some health complications that ive not yet gotten the answers to and its making me go so much farther down this spiral. what do i do now? i need guidance.

Does anyone else have parents that seem to enjoy taking anything and everything you love away? I am a big music fan and music is what gets me through things, so naturally my parents decide that I can’t have that anymore. I’m finishing getting ready for bed and my dad walks in and says “We are going to keep you laptop and iPad in here at night now girl” and of course my response was wait why. For context i listen to music through my earbuds connected to my laptop at night to help me sleep. So now I can’t do that. Another thing, well it’s not her fault but my mom gets migraines and I’m a band kid, so of course i bring my instruments home to practice. But when I try to practice she send someone in my room to interrupt me and tell me to stop. I have tried learning different instruments to see if any of them work (trumpet, clarinet and baritone) for her migraines but no. I can’t play my instruments unless I am outside. Like I said I am a band kid, and I am the most band coded person you will ever meet. Making music calms me down too so I keep my instruments with me. But some days I wonder just why I joined the band. Why did I choose the thing that mom can’t stand? Why did my mind decide to only be calmed down with things that can’t be done? I try to play quiet and it just doesn’t work, my mom always gets a headache and sometimes she gets mad at me for playing. I just want to be like any other kid with a mom who can actually go around and function. She comes to my concerts but every time she has had to step out, I only feel able to play to the best of my ability when she is out of the house. And that isn’t even that often because of how much she gets migraines! I can play at school in band class without anyone caring but not at home, no not at home.

Has anyone had people assume you were a different sexuality from what you are? How did it make you feel? Did you discover something about yourself after that? I’ve had 4 different people make assumptions that I’m gay or bi on different occasions.

I keep having fantasies about having sex with my friend’s girlfriend. It worries me. And sometimes I worry she’ll kiss me or something. I know she’s just being nice but I keep misinterpreting everything. I don’t want to cause drama. I’ve been distancing myself a bit but then I thought, “What if I’m making her feel like I hate her. I don’t want to do that either.” And it’s worrying me because I think I like these fantasies and just the thought of kissing her and stuff. Like; I ok; none of them are really my friends but still they’re closer than other people I have around me. I say they’re my friends but to be honest I don’t hang out with them that much. And it’s quite a few of them. I keep imagining being around them and having fun with them but to be honest I know if I’m around them too much I’ll show who I really am and they’ll hate me like all the other friend groups did and it’s my fault. Like, I know it’s my fault because I can’t handle that stuff. I’d much rather have people only know me surface level. I don’t struggle with vulnerability. I talk to people about my depression every once in a while who I’ve known since high school. But it’s like all of them and I keep thinking I want to have sex with them but it’s like, I don’t want to because I feel ill just have momentary pleasure and then I’ll hurt them by just not wanting to continue anything. And I don’t want to objectify them. And this fantasy there are moments where I imagine her kissing me and I think I enjoy the thoughts and then I’m like, “Stop, she’s your friend’s girlfriend.” And then I think, “Does this mean the intrusive thoughts you have of kids aren’t really intrusive? Because there are moments where you feel it but then hate it.” And on that topic I keep having these stimulations day and for brief moments I think I give into them. Maybe college just stresses me out.

So I’ve been volunteering the past few weeks and I am about to turn 22 and bet your sweet bippy I’m looking for some companionship I’ve been alone 22 years of my life and I’m not sure if I’m ready to put myself out there but you know, I’m not getting any younger. Because of my situation rn it’s hard to meet people and I thought about using a dating app but I despise those and I’m all rigid about “i want to meet my person organically.” But, to be honest, I’m tired of waiting around 😭 I thought of trying to do a loophole / reframing with the OCD like “you’re saving someone from the dating apps, if anything you’re virtuous” but it’s not working that much. I also think “what if your OCD of not meeting organically becomes a problem down the road?” and then I tell myself “if i stick with her through it i must truly be in love” I don’t know. I know it doesn’t work like that. Just mental gymnastics. I simply don’t want to go on a dating app. I want to meet someone in person. I don’t want to be competing with 50 other guys in someone’s dms. What to do what to do ☹️ Last time I used one, few years ago, I felt like a slot zombie just cycling through profiles. It’s inorganic, idk. I want to be starstruck by someone or have something akin to a Shrek story. I want dad lore :( even tried the christian dating apps in the past too but either I’m 0-how many ever or they posted years ago and forgot about their profile. read the reviews and comments seem to say people are inactive on there but maybe we’re noobs. but nowadays I literally pride myself on not caving in to downloading a dating app, not that others are less for it, but because it’s the one control I do have? and, again, my head canon