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Hi I’m just here to ask what actually is suicidal ocd? What are the symptoms and what is the treatment? Thankyou.

Hi there, To summarise my story, I begun taking Sertraline around 5 months ago as my OCD flipped a switch after an intense panic attack and got instantly worse and unlivable (intense depersonalization, constant rumination, anxiety and nausea, amongst many other symptoms). I have now worked my way up to 100mg (6 weeks in) an I feel horrific every single day, constantly fighting intense feelings of sadness and hopelessness that makes me nauseous, suicidal thoughts and ideation etc. Would anyone recommend that I wait another month (which will be admittedly extremely difficult if these feelings persist) or should I consider switching medication? All opinions welcome❤️

TW: S3lf Harm, Family Trauma, depression, self hatred. Abandonment, arrested social and emotional development Background: was abandonment at 6 months due to cleft plate , grew up in orphanage, got adopted at age 4 Got diagnosed with anxiety major depression and adhd. For some simple context, I figured out that my boundaries are often my reasoning, while very emotional or by lash out. I have trouble with sensory and I also have trouble with scheduling . The reason why with scheduling is am always kept out of the dark in terms of what’s happening surrounding me, for example, I broke up with my ex because he would always schedule things with my mother, but it would affect me because I would have time or he wouldn’t have time to be with me next day. He often listen to my mother and respected her, but with me if I have a problem with that, he would say that I was dramatic, and he didn’t seem to care about me.. A lot of these things when it comes to scheduling affect me personally because I don’t get to spend time with people, since they will be busy the next day or tired . Or my time to be calm in the house, or have time to be calm. and not stressful. And a lot of it has to do with like my mother or family members and the common theme is that many people don’t seem to respect my boundaries or seem to care that affects me which is probably right a trigger and since I new divergent, it’s like 10 times worse because the way I process it and it seems as dramatic or doesn’t matter . I don’t want to do my life because it’s affecting my school. It’s affecting my ability to do things around the house. It’s affecting me a hole because I guess being 18 I’m tired of explaining to people who I am with my emotions and now I’m so emotional, but I’m having trouble with everything right now. So someone read this please give me advice and what to do because it just seems like people really don’t care and I tell people that they’re divergent and I have trouble communicating but it’s like with people, but I told them it does not matter because like my thoughts are not correct if my emotions are not correct either. What do I do? I lost my ex because of this because he did not care about my emotions and only cared about helping other people over me. I’m probably gonna lose my family because I can’t deal with them anymore them never respect my boundaries and I also can’t deal with other people in life.

I forgot what is to be happy. I was a happy person before all this and I feel like ocd took that from me. Ocd got so severe that the last 3 months I’m in a constant loop of compulsions and intrusive thoughts. And haven’t felt real joy in this 3 months. I feel like ocd trying to attack me from every direction and he succeed. I really one to come back to my old life. I even started to see a therapist that I can tell everything and she has a good tips but it’s me, I just can’t do it. Like everyone saying that erp is the best way to recover , but it’s not working (might be because I’m doing a lot of compulsions). I’m really trying to recover but it feel impossible especially with Pocd . That my dream from being young was to be a mother and always loved kids they are cute. But now being around them gives me so much anxiety and urges that I can’t do it. Like ocd is so weird because when I was in rocd episode almost a year ago I read about all of ocd theme including Pocd. And I was so sure that I wasn’t a p so I didn’t need to double myself. And about like 2 months after ,Pocd started and got really worse. It’s just feels impossible to recover like ocd is so strong and there is no way out. And I’m really trying but it’s all seems impossible right now. Like my thoughts are about every person I love. And also I feel like I will never be happy again like before that life were so fun. And now? I don’t want to wake up in the morning all the fun vibe is gone and never going to come back. I’m just tired being sad all the time, I was a very happy person before this, I really think that my life is over. My main dream in life is just to create a family and it feel impossible because of this stupid disorder. I’m so sad cause I’m just 16 and really don’t think my life has meaning anymore. I feel like I’m wasting my “fun” years on this. I’m seeing everyone having fun and there is me. I know that the neighbor grass is not greener but it’s feel like it. Is just that my mind tell me to do things that I clearly don’t want to!. Like I all the time think that I crossed the line with Pocd and I’m a p. Even though I had more themes .I feel like a monster all day, this is not the life I want. At this point it’s hard to believe I have ocd. I’m just tired of everything of life of suffering. I just want to lock myself in my room and never leave. I feel like I lost everything like I’m a zombie at this point, like I can’t feel any emotion that I used to (love , happiness, excitement) I’m just feeling sad all day and crying all day. Even my parents don’t know what to do with me, they told me I was a happy person once and now I’m close person with no emotions.I know they want me to be happy but every-time they see me cry (once in a week, even though I cry everyday most of is but I’m good at hiding it) they start to yell at me and I know they love me and I love them and wouldn’t wish for any other parent, but it’s killing me I want them to understand that I’m trying everything I can. That I have no power inside of me. Today i broke down again because I remembered that next week we are going to see my family and the intrusive thoughts hits me so I broke down (I really don’t want to go) .and they started to scream at me and that I’m doing it on purpose, I feel so alone like nobody understand me. They told me that if I’m not happy they are not happy. And I get that I really do. But they don’t are not the person who actually suffer 24/7 with this. I know I sound like a brat or something like that but I can’t stop thinking about it. My mom told me things that made me sob today. I just want one person to talk to I feel alone. I feel like everyone hates me right now , my family, friends (who I barely talk), and me I hate myself the most. I feel doomed , I don’t want to get out of bad just to sleep 24/7 , doing the simplest action (like brushing my teeth ) seem so hard and I don’t have power to do it, I barely eat rn, I just want everything to stop. Im even sorry to say that but I feel like I kinda hate everyone rn. Like my environment , im jealous that they don’t need to live like this 24/7. I feel alone. I feel like there is no point. I hate myself for it but im even angry at god for making me like this and create a monster like me. I want to throw up right know and can’t stop crying, just want that someone will take away this pain. Im sorry this is very long.

Hello all!, I wanted to write one more post before I delete this app again in honor of OCD awareness week. I am incredibly thankful to NOCD, and all the tools they have taught me in learning to live with OCD. The difference between 10 months this ago and now is night and day and there have been a lot of days recently where I could just cry over this feeling of truly finding myself again and finally put this experience behind me. While I see signs of OCD in my childhood, I really see it taking a hold of my life 8 years ago. Eventually during that time where I first began being noticeably affected by OCD, originally due to health concerns, I wound up in a mental hospital for a night due to thoughts of self harm and an unforgettable feeling of numbness that lasted for weeks after that day when my theme switched to that of SOOCD, although I didn’t know what it was at the time. Even when I came across SOOCD days later and knew that that was what I was going through, I ignored the OCD part and instead let that part of my life become a scar that I hid from everyone, even my wife when we first met a year later. I was so ashamed of myself for being brought to that point, and let it hang like a black cloud over me for so long. Even now I still feel shame when I think of that moment, but I am working towards accepting that moment as a part of me, especially so this week. On Monday I made a Facebook post acknowledging my struggles with OCD. It was certainly not easy admitting to all the people I see on a regular basis that I deal with this, but I wanted to bring awareness to what OCD actually is and the struggles it can bring, as well as how important our support system can be, especially so with my wife. I do not know of anyone else I would rather have by my side as I work towards recovery than her and I am so lucky to not just have her in my life but also be able to call my wife. It’s hard working towards undoing 30 plus years, of what I know realize, was problematic thinking patterns, even if it has brought me success in some aspects of my life. It’s very hard accepting the uncertainty of the themes I especially deal with, like SOOCD, Existential, Morality, etc., but it is possible and while I am not happy that my SOOCD theme came back this year, I am also glad it did, because I learned finally of the beast that had been tormenting me, and have learned how to deal with it. It’s also made me appreciative of my own mother more, who let me know of her struggles with OCD when I admitted to my own. If you read this, thank you so much for taking the time out. There is so much I can say and probably want to go back and edit, but I would rather go on with my day than do that. If you are weary of reaching out for help whether it be with NOCD or any OCD specialist, I truly encourage you to do it. We all are afraid of being told that we don’t have this illness that we also don’t want to have, but getting a diagnosis and working towards going about it in a healthy and positive way, will make your life so much better than you ever imagined it can be. It will take time, a lot of time sometimes, so please be patient and do not rush recovery. Be kind to yourself, don’t aim for perfection or absolute removal of all these thoughts and instead just focus on the things that are most important to you. You can do this and you are not alone!

Hey guys, TL;DR: My Suicidal OCD is really bad rn after med change, it feels so real and urgent. I’ve been having a tough time lately, so I recognize it’s healthy to be sad and work through this along side it as Suicidal OCD likes to suppress sadness. Any advice or words of encouragement? My recent life: Recently I’ve been having a tough time. In August developed hypersomnia, which is like a constant pressure to sleep during the day. Developing this was quite triggering for my health anxiety, so I got all my vitals and stuff but nothing looked wrong. I decided to switch my meds (Zoloft, which was working decently) because we thought that was maybe causing it. I was going to switch to Prozac because it is more stimulating. The withdrawal process was BRUTAL for me, with brain zaps, dizziness, irritation, and worsening sleepiness. Switching to Prozac, it was clear the hypersomnia was not going away, so I made an appointment with a sleep specialist, but the earliest appointment is in December! The adjustment to Prozac has been VERY hard for me. Feeling really unstable during the process, libido is all over the place, but worst of all the last few days my OCD has been some of the WORST it has ever been. I’m Week 3 on Prozac and I’ve never had ocd this bad. I have Suicidal OCD, and right now it just feels so real, that it’s really gonna happen. I feel so much panic, but I know it is “tricking me” to feel like these thoughts are mine. While I’m managing with these intense things in my life, I’m now also realizing that I can’t suppress my sadness like Suicidal OCD often wants you to do. Things have been frustrating and it is HEALTHY to express sadness towards this. It’s just very difficult “being sad” while also having these dark suicidal thoughts along with them. What are some things that help you out in hard times, and what would you recommend for me? Thanks y’all, we are so strong.

I was reckless when a year (I was 18) into my relationship I would be drinking excessively every weekend, which would lead to messing around with a boy that I used to like a lot when I was 16/17. It broke off because things started to feel serious and he didn’t want it. We were in the same friendship group so I would see him everyone now and again, but no words were ever exchanged. At the time or think I wanted this relationship, because it was new and exciting and I thought about I for a couple years after (I didn’t know I had OCD at the time) obsessively replay situations in my head, trying to figure stuff out. I kept this from my boyfriend for 4 years and the guilt was eating me up, I couldn’t live with him not knowing, so I ended up telling him briefly about what happened. He forgave me and we moved on from it. I absolutely adore this boy with my whole heart, I hate what I did to him, but I’ve completely changed as a person since then, I don’t drink anymore. I’m just love this boy to pieces and I will never forgive myself for what I did. More recently- 2 years ago this boy tried to speak to me at a supermarket and I just blanked him and left. But the last few months This boy has tried to follow me on social media and he joined the same gym as me. As soon as I seen him at the gym I told my boyfriend as I felt like if I didn’t tell him he was there I would be lying, so I told him I would change gyms. My boyfriend reassured me no don’t change gyms. Seeing him every week at the gym definitely triggered me, I had so much anxiety. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. 5 weeks ago - Me and my boyfriend lost our beautiful kitten as she had an incurable heart condition. My whole life revolved around her, everything I did she was always a thought in my head, well she was the only thing I thought about for 8 months. I was absolutely heartbroken when she went. One of my biggest fears is death so being with her when she passed was absolutely horrific, I will always have the image in my head. I was so depressed, I felt like she took a part of me with her. My whole life just stopped. This is when I experienced my first ever OCD Spiral, and it was all about I didn’t want to be with my boyfriend I wanted to be with this other boy. My brain was telling me I had to tell my boyfriend every single detail of what happened in the past, or I had to break up with him. I felt like I had another person in my head shouting at me all day, that I didn’t love my boyfriend I deserve to be with the boy I messed around with because I’m a horrible person. I felt like I was going insane, I contemplated committing suicide because I couldn’t live the constant noise thought and images I was having. My boyfriend has stuck by me through all of this and constant visits to the doctors. He is so amazing and I miss our life before I felt this fucked up. I can’t go a day without thinking about this ex as much as I try it doesn’t go away. Because the thoughts aren’t bring me as much anxiety as before I’ve convinced myself that it’s because I want this relationship with the ex. Im stuck in this loop and none of this would be happening if I didn’t mess up in the first place. I just want my old life back I want to be able to love my boyfriend with no doubts. I want to be able to go back to the gym it was my happy place but he ruined that. I want to be able to shop in the supermarket that I once saw him in, but I can’t because I’m so fearful that it will trigger me and I will spiral even more. I am seeing a therapist who is really helping but I need to talk more than once a week. I’m all alone with my thoughts. If you read all this thank you so much.

I keep feeling like I don’t want to be here, I can’t go into my local town without a major sense of anxiety or dread, I can’t find a job locally because it scares me, I wake up sad everyday that I’ve opened my eyes. But then I see my puppy laying next to me and I cry because no matter how hard I don’t want to be here he reminds me of the people who love me. But I’m in so much pain inside this head that I can’t even explain. And even though to the average person my thoughts mind seem normal or small to me they are the biggest problem in the world and I can’t control them. No matter what I do, I do something wrong. I tried to be the nice guy the other day sticking up for someone who hurt me but was hurt, turns out he messaged me and told me everything I did was disrespectful, hurtful and the people around me who I was telling to shut up because what they were saying was disrespectful was all my fault. I unblocked my ex (we weren’t officially seeing one another but everyone in our local town knew and we spent a year together) as I was there seeing how sad he was after I found out his gf cheated on him, thinking maybe we could be friends, turns out that was also an issue because I had his who I thought at the time was his ex who cheated on him blocked, but because I unblocked him and not her they seemed to think I want him back. I don’t. I’m seeing someone and moving on. But it’s all my fault. I’m the bad guy once again. I even explained all this to him when he messaged me pissed and nothing I said was good enough, he just said I call bullshit (lies) when it’s all the truth. I never want to be someone who’s disrespectful and I never intended on it. But now I’m sat here thinking what am I meant to do now? I hate my life so much but love the people in it, I hate myself so much but love the people who created me, I hate my life so much but love the world when I see my view outside my window. I hate life but want to love it. And everyday there’s someone there to stop me from enjoying it. If I didn’t wake up tomorrow I’d probably thank the world. Because this ain’t fun anyone, this isn’t a good time. This is hell. And this might be a fleeting feeling, moment or a time I’ll look back on and think wow I was down. But right now, right now I’m consumed. Right now I want this to stop. And even though I’d never do anything because of that lovely dog and family I am so lucky to have, the thoughts are so consuming about everything that I’m stuck on a way out now. What do I do?

My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.

My brain feels cooked, my nerves feel fried...I feel constant anxiety about my thoughts 24/7 now. My therapist told me he doesn't believe I have Depersonalization disorder and that it's all "placebo/nocebo effect" or "confirmation bias". I wake up feeling so disconnected from everything though, or maybe I am truly just telling myself that. I have intrusive thoughts that my brain can't mentally process what my eyes are seeing so it's almost like I'm blind even though I have perfect vision. It stresses me out to the point to where I don't wanna live anymore, yet the thought of death terrifies me. I never thought at 25 I would be experiencing these things, questioning how we exist, what causes it. I was prescribed Lexapro but the first 4 days of taking it my anxiety was so absolutely horrible that I stopped taking it...now my anxiety has labeled medication as a threat and taking any causes a full blown panic attack. I don't mean to come off as super negative but like...all I feel on a daily basis it seems is fear, panic, misery, and depression. I just don't know what to do. My therapist has told me to try and say "nope" out loud to these intrusive thoughts but it doesn't do much since my brain is obsessing and racing 24/7. I'm chronically tired and I'm just over it. My mental health is taking a toll on my bf now, and I'm terrified of losing him because of it and we've been together for 5 years now. People relating to me used to bring comfort, but now it feels like nothing does. I feel alone despite others dealing with the same mental issues I am. And all of this started, all of it From a migraine that caused a panic attack on July 27th. That right there was what caused my mental health to take a nose dive...idk what to do...I always feel like I'm not long for this world...like my life story is gonna be over soon...idk why, i dont have excessive thoughts of self harm.

I think back to my childhood when things were better and where I didn't have any problems. Everything is too overwhelming and things just aren't good. But this breaks me because I think back to my kid self and how he could have never imagined things would be this bad or that I would be consumed by something as horrible as porn I just don't feel like I can do this anymore. I just don't feel like I believe I can get through this and it's bothering me so much that it's overwhelming.

I (15m)am a monster. I have done horrible things mistakes or not I don’t think people would ever forgive me. When I got into highschool when I was 14 I had a messed up mindset that being sexual was the way to go with everything and I was way to open to people who I just met. This led to me revealing personal things about myself that made others uncomfy and flirting with my friends all the time and making sexual jokes comments and just sexual flirting even when they said no (this was over text) Me thinking back on this makes me realize how uncomfy I made these people it’s sick I considered them my friends and ended up traumtizing them. One of them stopped talking to me because of my behavior they were scarred and they can’t even bring themselves to look at me and don’t even want me saying their name. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live. And idk how I can move on with my life ever why shouldn’t I be locked up if I ever got help like therapy I would go to jail and rightfully so I’m a monster.

I’m a 20yr old straight female, always have been only attracted and dated guys. I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend and he’s just the most loving, amazing and caring man I could have asked for. We’re long distance tho and the we haven’t seen each other in 4-5 months, it started to take a toll on both of us, but in my case I also have diagnosed ADHD the doctor did say I may have some symptoms of OCD. I’m not on any medication. It first began as lower libido, I overthink a lot and I began to get really anxious and from what I’ve read it seems like I have ROCD, and then out of nowhere I remembered I did once question if I was bi or lesbian a couple years ago too out of nowhere after a breakup with my ex. I was overweight pretty much all my life and I always had a lower self esteem with my looks and felt jealous of every other girl who was prettier and could wear any girly clothes and look great in it. But I really don’t know how and why this began but it feels real, it feels like denial. I don’t have groinal responses well at least not really thankfully so far at least, but I find myself having same sex dreams sometimes, or imageries or smth telling me “oh you should go kiss her, just do it” or smth like “are you really straight” I even to an extent had TOCD cuz although it’s now that I’m losing weight I still feel like what if I look masculine (I had a lil tomboy phase which I regret a lot and hate to look back on) but no I don’t want to. I feel like since HOCD, I’m questioning my attraction I have towards men and that as if I want to be bi or smth and that I’m in denial. It feels like I wanna do a same sex activity so bad but I don’t want to at the same time. The urge isn’t peaceful or smth I enjoy but imageries of me doing it and feeling good about it and I just start to cry and think to myself “why can’t I just be straight”. I’ve urges that feel so real as if I wanna do it but I really don’t want to and when I get such thoughts I think of “omg is this a sign”. What if I act on those impulses and become bi eventually. What if I become okay with it (i don’t want to be that). I can’t tell what’s true anymore, I hate it I’m crying as I’m typing this. I’m so scared. I noticed these thoughts also began when I joined college and met a bi guy who I talked to quite often since he was in my class and I hated hearing what he wanted to do with same sex, who he found attractive in a very explicit manner and also he was just a ball of negative energy who loved to concept of dying soon, wanting to have eating disorder and healing himself that he said from that start and when I offered help and listened all of that he didn’t want any and said he just liked being that way. I’ve had thoughts of harming myself before and other types of ocd episodes since 10th grade but it’s HOCD that’s bothering me the most now. I also can’t afford therapy at the moment. Please help. (Sorry this is quite long, but thank you for taking the time to read it, and please let me know what I can do)

yesterday i was here making posts that im hopeless, that i dont think im gonna get through this today. today one of my friends passed away. i have death ocd. i fear losing people that are close to me and i just lost one i havent ate anything in two days or drink that much water. i cant accept it. i wish the person was still near me, i wish i could hug them this is the worst and most suicidal ive felt in a long long time.

I’ve recently become unemployed and the journey to finding a new job is honestly unbearable. I struggle with a major lack of self confidence and I don’t believe I’m good at anything nor smart enough for it, so whenever I look at job websites and see different things advertised I panic. Even with what I’ve wanted to do for years, the thought of going out and doing that makes me feel horrendous because I don’t think I’m capable of doing it. And what doesn’t help is the fact I’ve told my parents this and they just scream at me saying I can’t sit around doing nothing every day when that’s already something I don’t want to do. I want a job, I want to do something I enjoy, I like working I do, and once I’m it in I know I’ll enjoy it, but there’s certain things stopping me from going for it. I hate myself over every possible level to the thought of people seeing me everyday is making me panic, I don’t think I’m very intelligent so anything that requires me to do maths or organise numbers or anything like that is out of the question. I’ve worked in hospitality for 7 years, doing shit I despise and I honestly have hated every moment of it so I can’t go back there. It’s all scaring me, all making me feel like I’m just incapable of doing anything right, I genuinely just don’t even want to wake up tomorrow because the thought of living this life for the rest of my life is ridiculous. I don’t want to do it. I don’t have anything I’m good at, there’s nothing I enjoy what the hell am I meant to do with that? I’m honestly so stuck. Everyone keeps saying “beggars can’t be choosers” but this is my fucjing life and I have to do a shit job that makes me want to throw myself off a 30 story building till I’m 70? Fuck no. What kind of life is that? Just so I can make money? And afford bills? And pay to live? wtf I don’t even want to be here so why am I doing that. I don’t enjoy living I a really fucking hate it. And working down the local grocery store is just not gonna make me wanna be here any longer. I really hate it here and now I have to find a job that I’ll hate? I’m so stuck

I feel like no one cares about me... Im struggling in college and it just feels like I cant catch a break... Ive made bad choices that make me a bad person... I have to be uncertain about worst case POCD scenarios that may or may not have happened unknowingly... I genuinely dont feel like any one cares about me... and if I pass away, ill be laughed at and forgotten by everyone... Im alone with no gf, barely any friends, and I cant even be certain that my POCD fears of unknowingly cybering with a minor did or didnt happen... im stuck in hell...

Hi Im a 15 year old girl and about a month ago i started having these toughts about harming myself and other people. It was verry draining for me so thats why me and my friends stayed toghether for a week and have fun. Now i started having it again and i cant help but think im a pysochapth. Today I started breaking down and i dont know what to do. Are these the since of OCD or is something really wrong with me? Please help.

Hey, I’ve been doing some research on OCD and think I may have it. I’m not 100% sure, but I have a lot of the symptoms. I want to get myself diagnosed, but my parents won’t let me. They agree that it’s very likely that I have OCD, but they think that if I try hard enough, I can get over it. I don’t know what to do anymore or if what I have even is OCD, and I want to be somewhat sure before a I do anything. Right now, I’m a junior in high school, but freshman year was when my “OCD” was the most severe. I think I had (and still do) the symmetry/order subtype and “just right” subtype. I was obsessed with writing things neatly to a point in which I kept forcing myself to erase and rewrite things until all the letters were straight and all the graphs were neatly drawn (typing wasn’t safe either because I use Notability and felt the need to align every text box and make them all the same length). Handwriting was especially a problem in calculus A, and it got to a point in which I couldn’t keep up with the notes, and the homework was taking hours a night because I was obsessed with making my work perfect. Needless to say, I didn’t get a good grade in calculus A and didn’t build a good foundation for future math classes. This makes me really sad because I was previously really good at math and had a bright future in the subject. Eventually, I just stopped trying in calculus A, but by then, I felt burnt out, couldn’t concentrate on anything, kept putting things off, and lost the ability to properly manage my time. I think it may have escalated to executive dysfunction at that point, and it carried over to all my other classes. As someone who was previously pretty productive and good at planning, this was a huge hit on my self-esteem. I was also obsessed with symmetry. If I touched one side of my body, I had to touch the other side in the exact same place. If I was coding something, I would have to evenly distribute touch across each key on the keyboard. It felt like everything was a heatmap, and the colors had to be kept in balance at all times. I also avoided odd numbers because they were considered “asymmetrical”. I was obsessed with routine and had to complete tasks in a certain way, a certain order, and a certain amount of time. Even something as small as combing my hair for five minutes instead of six caused me extreme distress. Writing one word that “sounded off” on an English paper left me unable to keep writing until I fixed it. I had to keep the sound of my phone at a certain volume (6 normally, 10 when exercising, and 12 when cleaning, divide everything by 2 when using a computer) and had to walk a round number (any number that ends in 0) of steps a day. I kid you not when I say that some days I woke up and didn’t want to live anymore. Sophomore year, my mental health improved and I probably seemed overly perfectionistic but not to a point of concern. However, this year, the handwriting issue relapsed in all its glory during physics, and I’m not able to keep up with notes or homework. I feel the same way that I did in calculus A, and I don’t want history to repeat itself. I want to ask my teacher to let me do my homework on paper rather than the iPad (it’s easier for me to write on paper due to increased friction), but I’m scared to ask because I don’t have a formal diagnosis. I don’t know what causes my behavior. I feel like if I can’t do things perfectly, no one will like me. I’ll lose all my friends, and no boy will ever want to go out with me. I know it’s irrational. Literally no one cares what my notes look like or how long I spend on each step of my morning routine or whatever, but I constantly feel like people are judging me and will hate me the second I mess up. There are two more times in my life that I can think of when I displayed symptoms of OCD, contamination OCD when I was 9 and pure/religious/magical thinking/health concern OCD (they all just kind morphed together) when I was 11. I can go into more detail if you wish. As of now, I just want to know my behavior sounds like OCD, and if so, how to more forward. If not, I would love to know what I do have and how to treat it. Thank you so much.

I feel so bad right now, I feel like I’m back being in a dark place, I feel so convinced that I am attracted to these things like I genuinely feel like I am, and that it makes me agree with it, because it feels so strong… I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t deal with this anymore, I’m getting in a dark place, I tried to see if my therapist was available and she hasn’t been available since September 17th, before my breakup, before my OCD got even worse. I feel like shit right now and I don’t know why to do anymore, I just want the pain to end so bad… I just don’t wanna fight anymore, I’m not trying to imply anything bad, but like genuinely give up. I just can’t handle any sort of photo of a kid anymore.

Its makes me angry. Its like an ultimate giving up which it is actually and i became really depressed doing it. I have those automatic judgements that i dont know what to do about it so i just accepted it. I watched a video about being in the present and they talked about not worrying about the future and think about the past but you still will have problems in the present so focus on that and thats presence... well okay this is my problem i get drowned by present problems. If youre afraid that your fast heartbeat means heart attack, you have that in the present moment and you are afraid that now you will have a heart attack. When youre depressed you are afraid that you will do something bad now. When you have pain and it makes you tired your head hurts and it makes you upset its in the now. And you just accelt all of this that im afraid, my head hurts, it makes me upset, im depressed, im depressed cause im depressed, and you do nothing about it... then i get thoughts like this will not change, i cant do what i want, everything is bad, i cant connect to people, i hate these, i cant be myself, these arent brought up by me, by rummination, its automatic by depression... Then im just in a deep depression. A good thing happens and im cant be happy cause i think i will never be happy for something. I can say its just a thought, but i accept the feelings too that it creates which is making me be still depressed and not be grateful for a good thing... Since i started acceptance i feel like i lost myself, this is me too who experienced it but its like i lost my life, its a different life now. Im stuck with fear, depression and im afraid. What is also automatic is comparison. I keep thinking about people who killed themself bc of depression or they just stuck in a deep depression and my mind says im in the same boat... all these accept accept accept...and dont change anything, okay im here being deeply depressed. I feel like this will go for sometime until i get really angry and go back avoiding again cause i want to live my life. I see other people and i dont really see them being stuck and depressed like me, and i know people say well they lie and hide it, well i cant hide it. I always get judged that im not happy, im silent, why im so low, and i dont see that in others. Even my mother went through alot of bad horrible things, sometimes she cries yes im okay doing that too but not about the past. Things happens and she cries then she okay. Im here bombarded with alot of emotions and it just sends me to my bed being depressed and tired. Noone im my family gets stuck like this. I would be okay if something happens and i cry myself out then i move on but no that not what happens. I really dont see that people would be in pain. And if they are they get through it by some days or weeks. I worked myself up so much, i give a chance to this but if i get into my bed being depressed and people will tell me that i need to change i will stop doing it. I understand it should become worse cause you let out all your emotions but i dont see the difference, when i was avoiding i wasnt this depressed. Accepting vulnerability and being emotional sounds good but when you realize you'll have to let be affected by anything, like im depressed cause of the weather, then im depressed cause of feeling depressed, i feel depressed about my thoughts, i feel depressed cause i cant be present with people, then someone says something and it affects me maybe makes me depressed, then i have a pain and im angry or scared its dangerous, im angry that all of this makes me tired, and then i feel like life is tough, i want to die or idk but then i get scary cause i have suicidal ocd and idk if its real ideation or just suicidal ocd, then you see something in the news and it affects you, everything affects you. This is very vulnerable and people say you have to be like this but then we wonder we are deeply depressed. Im not joking i will give another chance to let everything be as it is, not changing it but if it will make me bed sick, and if it will make me think about death which is the last thing i want to do, i will stop and go back to avoiding... I dont really think anyone will read this cause its too long, but i will apreciate if you would write something to me.