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I have the “i want to die thougt” everyday!!! Is this normal with suicidal ocd?? Anyone relate?

my ocd is being the most annoying thing in the world right now. my intrusive thoughts keep telling me to cut myself and its keeping me from falling asleep. i have to be up in 5 hours. i dont want to and im not gonna but i feel like i have to to make the thoughts go away. this is really hard :(

I struggled with severe ocd since I was in 2nd grade and now I’m turning 19 so I’ve had it basically my whole life, I’ve had it bc my dad abused my mom when I was little all the way up until I was a teenager and it really hurts me and affects my life. I have intrusive thoughts and images of loved ones getting hurt and I constantly overthink about my relationship and it got worst since I became a mother bc I ALWAYS worry about my daughter and I’m scared and it makes me panic I always think that if I listen to certain songs,take showers,get cute,put on certain clothes,or just take care of myself in general that something will happen and it makes my mental health worse and i have severe anxiety I struggled with pyschosis for 2 weeks and addiction to pills I don’t have money to get a therapist or even health insurance please help me how to stop it bc even when I try to let the thoughts pass through it hurts me and makes me freeze and not even be able to breathe bc of it and I can’t even say certain words bc I overthink that something will happen and it makes me want to take my life

I've been having issues with being so scared about death that my mind tells me that I should just kill myself to avoid the fear. The thing is, I love life. I don't want to die and I want to see it out to the end, but there have been times where I felt like I could just *do it* because my mind told me it was the calmer route (i.e., if im dead, I dont have to think about the fact that I will die). It really upsets me that these thoughts come into my head so much because I know they're not mine. Even knowing that they're not mine makes me uncomfortable because, if they aren't mine, why do I continue to think the same things?? Why do I keep telling myself that I should do it when I don't want to. It's so frustrating and scary I don't want to hurt myself (and I haven't for a very long time), but just knowing these thoughts are here is really worrying to me.

What makes me feel the craziest, is that I feel like I know enough thanks to my having to research and Google everything..... like, I'm a sophomore in college... I am majoring in Psychology. Because the human mind (like mine) is so interesting. So like, I will talk to myself. Quietly with my thoughts AND even out loud. What trips me out is that I Swear that I have full therapy sessions with myself. I know my OCD is the cause of me having to keep questioning myself and trying to figure out why I'm this way and how to get better and what can I do to end this hell I live in inside my mind. I have made note of being able to provide myself with suggestions and advice and info on things to do that can help counter and deal with my OCD to where i can be more functional. It really pulls me into an intense standstill Because it's like I know the answer and I know what I need to do... but I have to always end it with how i must not care how insane and crazy I am because if I know what I can do to help manage and keep my OCD at ease, then why can't I? It pulls me into this spiral where I then question what I know. Or if I have some sort of split personality. I'm always checking and researching things that I already know, just so I can find reassurance. I will ask Alexa stupid questions I know the answer to, like "whats the definition of _____" when I know what the meaning is, but I want to make sure. I'm always feeling as if I could be wrong in everything I think I know.... I get stuck for hours replaying events and situations or something said or done and try to think of every possible reason why, or possible outcomes. I can not communicate effectively because I sound crazy to myself, how is the other person thinking I'm normal? I get lost and stuck for hours in my own head... "circling" as i call it, or what I recently read as a ping pong game. My best friend committed suicide in 2019, by "hanging" to where I became obsessed with suicide, learning all about hanging to where I know things like short-drop and either you suffer or just pass out. Not just that but then I want to know how she was in her last moments. (I would hope she just passed out... I hate knowing she was in any pain). This lead me to become obsessed with the spirit world and started doing spirit box sessions again because I want to talk to her. (Which has me confused between I know I might hear some things because I want to... but also feel that because of that, I need clear responses). I am just in constant battle with my own self. I'm always fighting my own self. I'm my own worst enemy... but my own friend and therapist and teacher and etc. This is really really difficult. And I hope I am not alone in this. I don't even know exactly what subtypes and themes i deal with because there's many, and because everything has to be exactly what it's supposed to be, that if one "trait" doesn't fall under that category, that there must be something I am missing. This is exhausting 😞

I cant take this anymore. My mind is flooded with memories where i felt some sort of panic or attraction when i saw a pretty woman. Yesterday i saw a video of someone saying the collab between shakira and rihanna was their gay awakening and i remember so vividly when i was young that i was obsessed with the video. I just dont wanna live a life where i’m attracted to women but i feel like i am. I just want everything to end

My ocd always makes me think the worst and tells me that the only explanation for things is that I did something horrible. I had an incident many years ago that has made my life miserable. I guess it’s a real event and possibly false memory as well. When my son was little he would crawl into bed with me alot. One morning I got up and he was still asleep. I put my daughter on the school bus and went back upstairs to my room and he was awake sitting up wrapped in the blanket. I said good morning and told him to come downstairs with me and get breakfast like I always did but when he got out of bed he didn’t have his underwear on. I yelled at him demanding to know why he took his underwear off. He was 2 or 3 and he pointed at me and yelled “You!”. My ocd immediately kicked in and made me think the worst that I must have done something horrible to him in my sleep. Why would he say that? 😪. At the time I didn’t think too much of it though because toddlers randomly do weird things and take their clothes off and they yell back or blame you because they don’t like getting in trouble or getting yelled at so I shrugged it off but out of nowhere all these years later my ocd brought this back up. Since it’s been so long my memory has faded so my ocd adds more “evidence” and tells me things like maybe I was drinking and did something to him and just don’t remember. I try to think of all the scenarios that could have happened as to why he took his underwear off but my ocd won’t let anything make sense except that I did something horrible and I can’t live with that uncertainty like other people can. It makes me not want to be alive anymore 😞

I’m looking for my harm/suicidal ocd people here to shed some light and hope. I’m not asking for reassurance (I know we can’t do that with OCD) but just people who can share their experiences and what has worked for them in dealing with and overcoming this awful theme. Thanks in advance.

My anxiety makes me feel so bad Anxiety is caused by my OCD or nothing at all I want help but can’t afford it People who have it understand People who don’t judge you It’s all in your head has been said to me It’s not just all in my head I am strong I am weak I am strong again I am scared I am strong I’m unsure I am me… Everyone of us had a story and a struggle but few can understand outside are community. I’ve really been struggling lately and just don’t know where to turn. I have a fucking terrible anxiety attack or panic attack still unsure off the difference but understand it’s one of those two. I feel like things have escalated in my life of distress and unpleasantness to where I am unsure! I want you all to know I love you all and am sorry for what you go through! I’m actually unsure if I’ll be here tomorrow or 100 years from now but wanna say people like us have endured so much and succeed! You are amazing! You are beautiful! You are a good person! You are not what your OCD, anxiety, and mental health makes you feel like. You are you and we are amazing! Please do not give up! ❤️

I'm curious if anyone else thought they had a different illness or has even been formally misdiagnosed. For me, OCD *always* came up in Google search results when I was looking up my symptoms. But I always dismissed it thinking "there's no way I have that!" because of my false preconception of OCD being purely about cleanliness and counting. My symptoms involving mood swings and my obsessions/insecurities with how other people perceive me made me believe I had BPD for several years. Even then, it didn't feel right. I felt sort of bad discussing the possibility with my friends because I still thought "but it doesn't feel as severe as they describe it..." It wasn't until my recent (and so far worst) flare up that I specifically searched for intrusive suicidal thoughts that I discovered suicide OCD is exactly everything I had been experiencing. I cried with relief, knowing I wasn't simply going crazy.

Whenever I have thoughts about things that are hard for me to handle I have intrusive thoughts about letting myself die and go to hell and I'm tired and I'm worried that I carelessly agreed that I wanted to die and go to hell and now I'm scared what if I ended up agreeing to it!? I'm panicking. I know God knows my heart and I'm really tired and the thought happened when I was under stress but I had an intrusive thought saying I wanted to die like that and I think I carelessly agreed to it (although I know fighting your thoughts makes OCD worse)

I always get images of things that I severely don’t want to have. It gets better as the day goes on but I feel that whenever I make mistakes or there’s an accident (for instance my fingers accidentally grazed a students “area” when I was trying to get my pen) make me feel insanely guilty and that I want to hurt myself to compensate. For that instance I told my boss right away and she didn’t make it a big deal because it was such a swift and accidental occurrence, but that moment kept/keeps replaying in my head and I feel like a monster. Also, when I let a student use my phone to look at a picture for reference (art project) there was a search I made about birth control and how to know when to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think much of it because I have absolutely nothing bad in my phone, but now I feel like I might be some groomer or monster. I definitely should go back to therapy but I just want to see if anybody had similar experiences/fears.

Is this normal??? I can’t handle it… makes me so sad i want to cry.. and then i definetly feel my sucidal thoughts are true??

i did a compulsion by googling something because of a conversation i was having with a bunch of friends. i really need help, Because of this googling i did it triggered me by remembering my real event (what i googled recommend me other searches and it was something that reminded me of it) im still trying to get over and move on because im told its not a big deal by ny parents and my counselor but god its a big deal to me- Can i talk to someone about this? Should i? I talked to my mom about the first half of what im feeling but not the second-I know this post is vague af but im just scared atm. im having really ugly thoughts about harming myself and just ending things-

Guys im so embarassed. And OCD makes it so much worse because it's giving me chronic guilt. I was at work and I made a joke about unaliving myself with a friend like really loud and I feel really guilty because it just kinda came out. My friends were laughing but I realize by some ppls reactions that mightve not been appropriate. I wasn't serious but I do make those jokes often with friends (unfortunate habit I've picked up due to my own s*icidality). My guilt is killing me and I have a strong urge to apologize to my coworkers. Should I or is it a compulsion and I should just leave it alone??

Heyy guys, question out of the blue… is being scared of becoming depressed a thing? And therefor su*c*dal? Like I had su*c*dal ocd but it comes and goes but today I’m sick so I had to stay at home in bed and I just feel very tired ans my brain automatically linked that to depression… is preventing depression a thing? My OCD is manifesting in a lot of ways nowayds its sooo strange

I've been working hard on managing my thoughts all week. It feels like each day i got weaker and weaker. To the point where I had to do the obsession. This is a frustrating cycle. I'm having one of those days where I would rather die.

I’ve been suffering from non stop 24/7 dpdr for a year and a half now. I never really had OCD in a big way before I suffered some major panic attacks. Since then I’ve been a completely different person. I used to live a carefree life of traveling. Socializing. Experiencing life. After my panic attacks I became agoraphobic, couldn’t leave the house or work. My thoughts were like a washing machine over and over. I’ve done a lot of work to help overcome the fear of panic, but I’m still stuck in a 24/7 DPDR state- my thoughts never stop, I’m always searching for answers about my mental health, I have music stuck in my head from the time I wake up to the time I got to sleep, my mind is racing, attacking what I value, saying hopeless thoughts, anxiously worried about everything, I don’t do physical compulsions but I’m mentally checking myself all the time to see if I’m in DPDR still, or if things feel “weird” - I have a huge fear of going crazy and death. Although I’m not having panic attacks anymore, I’m still mentally anxious all the time. I feel like I cannot escape my thoughts, they torture me. I can’t feel any emotions, I’ve lost my sense of self, I can’t make new memories or be present - I’m constantly in my head. A lot of what kicked this off was years of trauma that was stored in my nervous system, once unleashed, I haven’t been able to recover. I want my life back. I’m tired of living in fear and exhaustion to the point where nothing brings me joy. Anxiety and ocd have taken my freedom from me, I feel like the thoughts rule every decision I make instead of being able to live freely, sometimes I don’t think it’s anxiety because I can’t feel anything physically, but these thoughts torture me- no one should have to live this way. What do I do? I’m taking medication but all it’s done is stop the physical symptoms, the thinking has not gotten better

Fear and shame has been the foundation of my spiritual life. Having come to accept this I no longer see a point in even having one. I believe that there is a God, that he exists and has standards. I also believe that acknowledgement by Him has to be more than just believing one's own rhetoric. I don't love God, I don't know how, so what's the point of trying? But that said, I wouldn't be able to escape the knowledge that I made a choice to step away. So then what's the point of living? I'm a slave either way.

I honestly can’t deal with this anymore. I have a 2 year old who needs me, a partner and family who love me. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to leave my family behind. I just wish there was a magical fucking cure to heal me!! I can’t confess anymore because my partner put up his boundaries. And literally drowning in thoughts. I haven’t stopped obsessing about these things for days on end like the whole time I’m awake, till the moment I fall asleep. I never get a break. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m over living a life that doesn’t even feel like I’m living. I’ll probably just be stuck this way forever so what’s the point… I know that sounds selfish but I can’t help my feelings. I cry every day almost. Had a full on mental breakdown today. Feel so fucking bad. Feel so guilty for these thoughts. I literally have been in the backyard screaming like I’m dying over these thoughts for atleast an hour today. My daughter hears all of this from inside. I’m a terrible mum and a terrible partner and a terrible everything. Everyone would be better off without me.