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Why do I have the urge to off myself when having ocd thoughts? But I dont want to die.

If you want to read the whole thing read my last post. Its sad that suicidal ocd posts get ignored, i see alot of people doesnt get cooments to their posts about suicidal ocd. Hopefully one day it changes I talked about getting so frustrated with the thoughts and sad, that your mind goes into "maybe i should do it cause its hopeless, i never recover, i had enough" and i feel frustrated and and angry so anxiety cant show itself, so then the situation is that i feel hopeless and my thoughts starts to engage with the suicidal ocd and i get feelings like its hopeless i should do it. Does anyone experienced this? And it doesnt counts as real suicidal problem, but in this situation is hard to decide

Decorating the house made me trigger cause i rememberd last year when i had ocd and suicidal thoughts was i was decorating the house. Because of a setback, i was already worked up by ocd, so when suicidal ocd came i was like this is too much for me now, i cant do this, and then something happened that i cant understand. I got hopeless and my thoughts went to thinking about "i cant deal with this, maybe i should do it" and i remember a year ago i had obsessions about doing it, like i had thoughts about what and how should i do, but it wasnt plans, it was random thoughts coming to my head. And beacuse i was hopeless it felt like starting to consider it cause i cant deal with these thoughts. I know consider is a big word, i dont know how could i describe it, i would like if when im having this someone would be here helping me realize what do i feel, cause how i interpret it is that i feel hopeless and im actually considering doing it. Which ofcourse makes me more anxious, and what i misenterpreted before too, it was that when i push away this hopeless feeling, i get angry and i understood that as im angry that i didnt hurted myself... i didnt had this bad for more than half year and now i got triggered and idk where to put it. Also some days ago youtube popped a video up for me and it was about someoene who wanted to die bc of ocd. I didnt watched it but i just remembered it now and i started to compare myself. Also whenever people talk about suicidal thoughts, they just mention "i had thoughts about suicide" and they see that as they were suicidal or wanted to die, and others react to those people with care and "oh you poor thing" mentality, which is understandable but because suicidal ocd i have those thoughts too, and when it gets so bad that im starting to lose my hope that i will recover, it gets real like im considering it, ofcourse i compare myself to those people cause it sounds the same... i feel hopeless and i have suicidal thought...my brain is like buuumm your suicidal too, and it hits me. So someone who dealt and got through suicidal ocd, did you had this thoughts too when you were hopeless like "maybe i should do it cause i feel hopeless, i will never recover, this is annoying, i want relief"? I know it sounds the same as suicidal thoughts, thats why im worried too

Hi everyone, I want to talk about something kinda personal because I don’t really get to talk to my family about my life without being judge. So I have had anxiety/OCD and more since I was a kid. I have some terrible thoughts, including about the dead and etc. anyways I feel like I was neglected as a kid and a young teen but I don’t want to put false blame on my parents. I just need to know. Ever since I was a kid I’ve felt different, I’ve had these terrible thoughts and feelings that I wasn’t enough. My sibilants would always tell me to stop crying, shut up, call me names and hurt me. I always thought it was just a sibilimg thing until we got older and they still bask my mental health and hurt me. For example my sister and I worked at the same place together and people there didn’t like me . And all I did was kept to myself. Well my sister threw it in my face all the names I was called and it hurt a lot. My siblings don’t know about my ocd bc when I shared it back in 2021, they laughed at me and told me to stfu. There’s moments where they are nice, but more where they judge and hurt me. Nobody in my family seemed to care for me until I was on the verge of killing myself a few years ago. I’ve always gotten my basic needs from my parents, but I can always feel the difference in how my mom and dad talk me to my other siblings than me. My mom calls me names and my dad just recently stopped only bc he was having bad anxiety (when it’s in his favor). My mom always screams at me about money and getting my dog outside and my dog being bad ig. But no matter what I cannot catch a break. I am told my parents feel like they have to “walk on eggshells” around me because I’m so sensitive, and my siblings have kids and made a comment if their kids were ever like me they would “nip that in the ass”, to stop them young. I kinda just sit there and take this all. Always have. I always stick up for my siblings and help them. But when it comes to me they don’t care. Same with my parents. My mom tells me to not tell her what I’m going through bc it’s gotten old. Can anyone help me? Help me understand. Is this neglect? Like is this why I always feel hurt and just not good enough. They make me feel like the black sheep.