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Why do I have the urge to off myself when having ocd thoughts? But I dont want to die.

If you want to read the whole thing read my last post. Its sad that suicidal ocd posts get ignored, i see alot of people doesnt get cooments to their posts about suicidal ocd. Hopefully one day it changes I talked about getting so frustrated with the thoughts and sad, that your mind goes into "maybe i should do it cause its hopeless, i never recover, i had enough" and i feel frustrated and and angry so anxiety cant show itself, so then the situation is that i feel hopeless and my thoughts starts to engage with the suicidal ocd and i get feelings like its hopeless i should do it. Does anyone experienced this? And it doesnt counts as real suicidal problem, but in this situation is hard to decide