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Does anyone get intrusive images with their ocd about them committing the intrusive thought? The worst one I’ve been having recently is “What if I sent or posted a nude on a game, social media, internet etc.” and I have been panicking for days, I keep getting images of me committing the action of sending one and I’m going crazy, it’s caused me to break down or get cold chills or even just panic 24/7. I’ve been feeling guilty constantly, fweling like I’ve done the worst thing possible and even been feeling down all the time thinking about it and just feeling mentally exhausted:( And there is no possible way for me to check if I actually did so because I’ve had to delete any games with chat boxes or ability to post pictures on there, and I can’t even really use social media without freaking out. I know a lot of people say that if it bothers you so much and it makes you worry so much then it’s not true and you didn’t do the thing that you think you did and I always try to remind myself that I know I would never do that because I would never ever want to hurt my fiancé, but the “what if you did and you just don’t remember?” Thought drains me daily. Does anyone else relate?

This flare up masculine lesbians or masculine presenting women are a HUGE trigger for me. It’s the whole reason why I went into a SOOCD spiral in the first place when I was 15. I thought a masculine presenting female kpop idol was attractive bc they looked like a man. But anyways, I have been around lesbians and masculine lesbians since my childhood and never had any attraction towards them or any woman. However ocd is latching onto one memory from a super long time ago. My mind could also be distorting my memories and I don’t fully remember it. When I was at practice I looked at my teammate (who was a very masculine lesbian) and wondered why she looked like a boy. Immediately after thinking that I got an intrusive thought like “does that mean you like her” and as soon as that thought popped up a huge wave of anxiety and discomfort washed over me. I started to freak out and I looked at her face to check if I did, she was smiling and I noticed she wasn’t ugly and that made me more anxious. But I remember closing my eyes, taking a breath, looked at her again, felt nothing, and moved on. I saw her multiple times after that and I never once found her attractive or had any crush on her. I can’t even remember her that much because she was so insignificant in my life. But my brain keeps telling me that it’s proof. I remember two of my friends in high school telling me they sometimes thought masc lesbians were guys and sometimes found them cute, but after finding out they were girls they just moved on. I remember my friend saying “Yeah sometimes ill be on instagram and think omg he’s so cute, check their page, see that ooohhh…its a girl, and go nvm and move on” those were her exact words too, and she’s still straight. The false attractions (I hope and pray they’re false) are eating me alive. I don’t think my brain can accept acknowledging that someone is attractive while not being attracted if that makes sense. Every false attraction feels so real (esp bc my attraction to men is literally gone and has been for years) but it leaves me feeling so anxious, awful, and depressed. But 2 months ago, prior to the spiral, the attraction I felt for my boyfriend felt so genuine and good 😭. I’m telling you I’ve been a numb rock towards men for so many years now but that one hangout me and my man had woke up those feelings again. I say it in almost every post but I just wanted him to kiss me SO BAD the entire hangout. His smile had me mesmerized and I felt so shy but in a good way 😭.I don’t even know how to describe it anymore bc I feel so numb towards him now and all the attraction has left. I think it’s also because we can’t see each other that often because of school so i’m left to ruminate about everything. I’ve been dealing with this theme for so long and i’ve felt nothing but depressed and numb to everything whenever it takes a break from terrorizing me. There’s so much proof against me but deep deep down I know what I want. I felt it 2 months ago when my mind was clear and ocd wasn’t bothering me as much. But as soon as ocd comes into the picture i’m back to being numb and start to doubt EVERYTHING. I just want this shit to end 😭. I’m so so exhausted that I’m going to see a doctor to see if I can start medication. I need all the help I can get at this point. I don’t think this amount of emotional and mental numbness is normal and my depression fully back again. I’m so tired of feeling like a rock.

I dont care what anyone says, i literally just know that my events are the worst out of everyones on this whole app. I have so many of them, and one in particular i dont think i could really ever tell anyone in full detail. Ive been looking into therapy recently because im so tired of living my life with these feelings of immense guilt and despair when i have such amazing and supportive people that keep my head on straight, but im scared to even disclose to a therapist because i dont know how they would react to my confessions. Im not even sure most therapists are even qualified to intake the issues id be laying down. It so gutwrenchingly awful to know that you try as hard as you can every day to be a good person, and by every measure you appear as a normal person or even a good person to most people but really all you do is wear a mask every day. Every time someone asks me if im okay i have to lie because if i told them the truth i would have nobody. I dont care if i made these mistakes as a literal child. It just doesnt matter to me because most people dont have to make the same mistakes i did to know better, its just straight up common sense. I think im just a gardbage throwaway human who HAPPENS to have OCD. I hope when i pass that whoever makes that final judgement on my soul truly has mercy on me because i really need it. I literally ruined my image of myself and therefore my life before it even got the chance to really start, i just wish so desperately i could be like everyone else. Nothing will ever allow me to go back in time so theres probably no path of redemption for me. Im sorry to everyone who cares about me, im really not who you perceive me to be as much as it pains me deeply to say

Hi guys I really struggle with compulsively googling or going through my text messages from years ago or going through my pictures to try to prove/ disprove things based around my obsessions (sure many can relate) . I am at the point where I feel like I need to just live without technology but we all know that’s lowkey impossible in this day and age. I am a student and currently hunting for full time jobs so maybe a flip would make things difficult idk. I am confused though, because if I do get a flip phone, would that be like avoidance over sitting with discomfort, or would it force me to sit with it like “welp I have no way of knowing” Also I know that you can still text and take pictures and all that sort of thing on a flip but I think it would help me with my compulsive googling or not going through my contacts if I start fresh with a flip. like on the one hand it would help with not being able to do a compulsion but on the other it’s like I feel like I wouldn’t be stopping the compulsion out of my own will power, I just straight up wouldn’t really be able to do the compulsion. This is all so confusing. Anyways - opinions?

What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (happened 3 times) from when I was 13 or 14... I cant remember... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rpist at all… I was either 13 or 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 24... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was either 13 or 14 at the time… now I’m 24… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they mlested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was either 13 or 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was either 13 or 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I cant remember if i was 13 or 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13-14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 13 or 14 because someone told me what these real events were before on the same day it happened for the 1st time... (it happened 3 times) but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... These real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and vOmit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was also extremely horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

I’m really, really spiraling, and I haven’t seen anyone talk about this. I think it might be something related to moral OCD. The topic of deportation is really getting to me, and I’m Latina myself. Anyway, I feel like people who are undocumented deserve to get caught and deported, and this is distressing me a lot. No matter how much I don’t want to agree with that, it feels like I do agree with it wholeheartedly. I think part of it is that if they weren’t undocumented, technically there wouldn’t be an issue, there wouldn’t be a problem, this wouldn’t be happening. I don’t know if this is stemming from anxiety or something else, but I feel like an awful person because I have people close to me who are undocumented, kind sweet loving people. I feel like I don’t know what to think. I see videos where people are mistreated, and it makes me so angry to see those power trips and the poor people who don’t deserve it. It just… I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m in the middle of a panic attack right now because this feels really, really important. I don’t know if anyone else has struggled with this or with other moral themes, and I feel scared because this feels so real. I don’t feel scared, I feel worried. I know that the distressed contradicts the thought, but I’m telling you it does not feel like that matters right now, not one bit and maybe that’s because I’m stuck on a technicality maybe it’s because it’s stemming from anxiety, but I really need input right now :( I feel like a monster reading this back, plis help

With the adding list of horrible real POCD events, plus the fear of my worst POCD fears ever coming true growing more and more possible by the day, I cant find hope right now... I wont ever harm or delete myself, but honestly, living right now is the worst hell I can ever have. A never ending purgatory of not knowing if my worst pocd fears will ever be realized, or just having to be forever uncertain... I genuinely cant find a reason to hope... nor a reason to live...

I need a miracle bc i’m sick of this. I hope and pray this is SOOCD and that I actually have OCD. I was doing sm better a couple months ago. I felt hope after years of depression and numbness. As soon as I feel something other than negative emotions or nothing at all, OCD immediately tries to fuck it up. Why won’t this leave me alone? If those past memories/proof mean something I pray it means i’m at least just bi bc bi women don’t HAVE to be with women. I just keep on ruminating and analyzing, analyzing my past relationship (i had soocd before and during it so odd is latching onto everything ocd made me go through while being with him), replaying and analyzing memories of childhood exploration/ regular memories (like checking if i had attraction to male characters in movies i liked and worrying bc I can’t remember if i did or not), creating false ones?, checking, i’m constantly triggered by EVERYTHING, and I’m worried even more now bc I don’t have that many thoughts as before. Then I try to analyze if I had a lot of thoughts in the past when the theme started bc if I didn’t then maybe this isn’t even OCD. This all started bc I thought a masculine presenting woman in a kpop group was attractive 5 fucking years ago bc she looked like a male kpop idol. I rmbr I was so uncomfortable when I realized she was a woman. I even remember thinking “does this mean i’m bi? let me pretend to fangirl over her like I do with guys just to check.” It didn’t feel right but it was stuck in my mind and wouldn’t leave. Looking back, this theme was building up earlier but i wasn’t phased bc my attraction to men wasn’t gone. Sadly i’ve been numb for years now and i’m still dealing with this years later. Now that I’m having a flare up, every time i see a masc lesbian now I feel like i HAVE TO BE attracted and it can’t just be false attraction. Also i fucking hate how when I’m feeling terrible everything that triggers me just pops up on my screen. I feel so numb towards everything. I feel numb towards my boyfriend and my relationship (I was so excited for my relationship and my attraction for him felt so real, wanted, and genuine) but when he does something that hurts my feelings somehow i can feel that and nothing else? I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS.

I notice that the thoughts aren’t constant and just pop from time to time. However the rumination is constant. I do have other annoying mental compulsions but i’m just worried that it’s not OCD. The thoughts dont feel loud but they do make me ruminate. Sometimes they’re “what ifs” or “this happened which means this and your a liar” or they’re like memories/flash backs. But they’re not constant which makes me worry that this has never been OCD. I keep ruminating ab weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable memories, fake memories, and (TMI) past random arousal in the past that didn’t align with me and my wants. Idk if it’s bc i’m ALWAYS questioning and analyzing in my head that I don’t notice things as intrusive thoughts? But there’s too much proof I feel like this is just me coming to a realization, i’m in denial, and it HAS to be true which makes me want to puke. I literally forgot all ab that stuff but my brain has brought it all back 😭. This flare up started because of a couple thoughts ab my relationship that made me anxious and triggered the rumination and it went back into an SOOCD spiral. My therapist told me she definitely thinks it’s OCD but at this point I don’t feel like it is.

Idk why but while I was doing erp my brain told me to look at her chest and I tried covering that part but I still looked… why did I do that? Anyone else have this happen? This has happened multiple times… (edited)

If ur here just to give some encouragement dw ab reading this Im just venting 😭. If you read my billions of posts you can see I’m having a really hard time. I’m analyzing memories, possible false memories, weird childhood exploration, uncomfortable thing that happened in 7th grade that feels like undeniable proof, the beginning stages of SOOCD, my crushes in the past to see if they were real or if I liked them enough, false attractions (which are constant now), I’m triggered by everything, I’m checking for attraction, I’m just miserable. I cant even enjoy old movies or cartoons that used to bring me comfort because I have thoughts like “Did I find this character attractive? I probably didn’t if I can’t remember. I used to always want the boy and girl to be together, but I cant remember if I liked the boy, It must be denial. I probably liked the girl.” I can’t remember shit and my brain keeps filling in the blanks but idk if it’s real. Im worried that this isn’t even OCD because the thoughts aren’t consuming me it’s just pure rumination and other compulsions. Is that still OCD? I still get random thoughts like when I’m watching something random on social media. I could be calm, not triggered by anything, and get a thought like “If she was naked you’d be aroused, rmbr that childhood exploration, you’ve been aroused to XYZ so you probably would be right now” and then I start to ruminate. Idk if that’s rumination or intrusive thoughts. But I usually just ruminate all the time 🧍‍♀️as soon as I wake up and when I go to bed. I get like images and flash backs of the “proof” idk if that counts as intrusive thoughts. I feel so terrible and completely numb to everything. What’s eating me alive right now is my years of numbness. Was that OCD, depression, or me just being in denial? I feel like there’s too much proof at this point. I really have suffered a lot with my mental health over the years so it could possibly just be that my brain is just in shock mode but I don’t know why it’s been so long. I haven’t seen anyone on this app say all their libido and attraction went away for YEARS. But then again I was not diagnosed for 5 years and just completely shut down. I was still numb when I started dating my boyfriend and I was so afraid that it would ruin the genuine feelings and attraction I started having for him before we started dating. I was feeling happier so maybe that’s why I started to feel those good feelings and emotions again. I swear to whoever reads this I DID feel attraction, excitement, all the things for him 😭. Him confessing to me made me anxious and scared bc my numbness makes me feel like a rock and I wasn’t sure I wanted to peruse a relationship. But I was like no, I felt those feelings after YEARS, he makes me feel happy and I have a crush, I won’t let fear take this away from me. I was doing good, my checking compulsions were annoying, but I was doing pretty good. The fear was going away, I was checking less and started feeling the full attraction again, I was in the moment when we hung out, dates were amazing, but then the thoughts and ruminating literally fucked it all up. When I was laying down in bed one night I thought “What if my numbness makes me stop liking him.” It automatically made me anxious and I was stuck ruminating about it all day. Then it just progressively got worse and now I’m stuck dealing w full on SOOCD again 😭. I feel like a rock towards my man now. He sent me a picture and I felt nothing. But then I think “you were numb anyways you probably never liked him.” I don’t even know if my feelings for him a couple months ago were even real bc of how much I ruminate. I was so sure of myself a couple months ago but not anymore. How do I go from “Omg his smile is so nice, I want him to kiss me so bad, his laugh is so cute, he looks so good.” to NOTHINGGGGGG. Prior to the big flare up I rmbr going to a festival with my sister and thinking another guy was cute bc he looked like my man (I swear he was waking up my emotions again) and I started to worry and freak out ab finding another man attractive. Why is my brain so confusing 😭? I want to hangout with him but I’m also scared to at the same time bc I’m afraid of feeling nothing and being triggered by it and ruminating, checking, analyzing. I feel like i’m shutting down again. That’s what’s been happening since high school. If my mental health and OCD make me feel like shit, my brain shuts everything down, and I do nothing. I want to do nothing and isolate because it’s safe, it’s not triggering, and it doesn’t leave me exhausted. Ever since I graduated high school I have been a rock. I have no goals, wants, motivation, NOTHING. I had to drop out for a bit bc when the lcd calmed down a bit, the depression just TOOK OVER. I feel like there’s never going to be an end to this. If this isn’t OCD then idk what to do.

i feel bad because i used to watch these people on pornhub who made videos that appeal to people with teen fetishized things and stuff like that. but i wouldn’t watch that role play stuff or any of that, like certain videos i would avoid because of that. but i liked the videos in general, i just didn’t watch any of that stuff or i would ignore it until it got something i did like. but i stopped watching them all together because it got too weird and i realized that i shouldn’t support them at all, even if i wasn’t watching that stuff. but now i feel bad for watching around that stuff, i liked the videos it was basic porn past that stuff and that’s what i would watch.

I desperately need some advice or tips. Now that I’m having a horrible flare up that feels sooooo real it’s hard for me to feel good around my man anymore. The feelings and attraction I felt for him turned into numbness and OCD constantly makes me feel like a liar and question everything. I’m trying to stop checking and ruminating whenever I’m with him but it’s so hard especially when I feel like a full on rock again. I have no libido (haven’t in years actually), barely any attraction to men anymore (been happening ever since this theme started which was a long time ago but I think it’s from the years of feeding the OCD cycle,depression, and anxiety), and I’m feeling emotionally numb again. I don’t know if this is asking for reassurance but I really just want to know how to continue my relationship that I was so excited for. I was so happy to feel genuine attraction and to have a crush again after years of numbness 😭 I was so excited for this new chapter. All these missing emotions were waking up again, and I was starting to feel happier and normal. But ofc OCD had to make an appearance again. Any tips will be greatly appreciated!! (how this flare up has me feeling)

are not random burdens; they are mirrors reflecting the meaning you attach to your thoughts. You suffer because the meanings you create are rigid and absolute, dividing your inner world into light and shadow, saint and sinner, worthy and unworthy. This split produces a double-mindedness, a divided psyche struggling to reconcile its opposites. Imagine your thoughts as figures that rise from the depths of the unconscious, much like waves emerging from the sea. They are not moral or immoral in themselves; they simply are. Yet when they reach the shore of consciousness, you label them good, evil, holy, or profane, and in that act of naming, you give them life. The moment you judge the thought, it gains substance, and what was once a passing wave becomes a tidal force crashing upon your inner shore. Consider the person with OCD who calls themselves a bad person for an intrusive thought. That judgment, born of fear and moral expectation, gives the thought weight and reality. It becomes a living symbol of guilt. But pause for a moment and ask yourself, can anyone prove their goodness? Who among us stands pure when the full contents of the unconscious are brought to light? If all humanity examined itself as the scrupulous mind does, we would all drown in despair. For the obsessive, this process happens instinctively. The psyche, in its fear of chaos, clings to moral order, even if that order imprisons it. Each thought is measured against an inner ideal that can never be met. The more one tries to be pure, the more the shadow resists, demanding recognition. This is why the thought feels so real: you have projected meaning onto it, fusing it with the moral energy of your inner archetypes. To free oneself, one must begin to deconstruct the foundation upon which such meanings rest. Morality, viewed psychologically, is not an eternal law written outside of man but a tapestry woven by the collective psyche, shaped by religion, culture, and fear of the unknown. It is a structure born of humanity’s longing for order amid chaos. To see morality as a human formation does not abolish right and wrong; it allows you to see that the moral code itself is symbolic, a language through which the soul seeks wholeness. When you loosen the grip of the meanings you assign to thoughts, you begin to see through the illusion of time and identity. The past becomes a myth retold by memory, and the future a projection of hope or fear. What remains real is the living moment and the conscious act of choice. Peace does not come by silencing the thoughts or purifying the mind, but by integrating what has been split apart, by seeing both light and shadow as belonging to one and the same Self.

(Sorry this isn’t ocd related)Does anyone else hate public speaking? It’s like one of my biggest fears. I’m like an 18-year-old with a fear of public speaking. I just get so much anxiety about it. I have the toughest time speaking in front of a big crowd. I have a major that kind of requires me to have a good speaking skills at some point cause I have to put myself out there and also market myself, but it’s so hard for me to the point where like I actually hate it. This week I have this project for my identity and it’s so hard for me to stop overthinking about it, I’m just so nervous to go up in front of 20 people and talk about what I think contributes to my identity. I just don’t know how to have a more positive outlook on it. I get told that I think very negatively about it. I just don’t know what how to think about it any other way, especially since it’s something that I really dislike doing. If you have any tips feel free to reply

i feel like im dissociating, when i am with my boyfriend and i look at him i am hollow , when i think about him and being with him forever, and tbinking about the 2 year and a half together its like i cant rember how it was to feel in love pr to love him i feel like… i have no feelings and i dont know what i feel and nothing makes me feel better … i tried not posting here but i just want someone to help me. i dont know what i feel i feel disconnected from myslelf , from him… like i dont love him and im just existing with him (we dont live together, he stays at my place at weekends and we dont sleep together at night my partents still dont allow it even if im 18) , i dont know what i feel my chest is so tight… i look at him and feel so hollow… i even have many many moments when he annoys me, or i get the ick, or think he is stupid making me think its the end and the thoughts i once feared became true and i dont have rocd… maybe all this time… all these 2 years of me gaving thoughts was just me not accepting the truth… i cant remeber how it is to love… im not feeling anything… seeing people in love witj their partner and being happy makes me so sad… bc im not happy, even though he loves me.. im horible… am i trully like this? why? it feels so real. why. im tired… i cant acces therapy or meds, i have to heal alone, the problem is that i cant even stand talking to him vc hearing his voice, seeing him, talking to him, imagining a life with him makes me want to cry and be alone bc my mind tells me i dont live him that i cant stand him anymore and i have changed, that my feelings are gone and that is why i cant see a life with him, i dont understand why i have so many negative emotions towords him when he loves me so much, im thinking this isnt ocd and in just forcing myslef to love him and to stay bc i have this expectation i put on us from the start that he is the one. i keep thinking i want to break up but i dont have a solid reason, just how bad i feel , i havesi much anxiety and i fee si stressed its making me go crazy. Some people told me on nocd once that maybe i just matured and my feelings and preception changed. I feel like i lost myslf i used to be so loving and carring and daydream even though i had thoughts about me not living him but it just got worser and worser and went to a psychologist a while ago, hoping I’d get some clarity about what I was going through, especially with my constant relationship doubts and emotional numbness. But instead of feeling heard or understood, I was told things like “maybe you never really loved him” or “maybe you’re just not being honest with yourself.” That experience didn’t help me — it made my thoughts worse. It planted seeds of even more doubt, and I left that session feeling more broken, more confused, and even more alone. Now, I can’t go back to therapy because my parents don’t believe I need it. They won’t support me emotionally or financially with it, and that makes everything feel even heavier. I’m stuck with these thoughts, with no professional support, and I’m trying to hold on I’ve been like this for almost 2 years and it only got worse. I feel hollow and numb, like I lost myself. When I look at old pictures or read old messages it feels like a completely different person wrote them — not me. I can’t remember how it felt to love him, I can’t imagine a future with him, and even when I’m next to him or kissing him I feel fake, uncomfortable and anxious inside. My mom told me things like “maybe you only put it in your head that you have to be with him” and her words are stuck in my head, making everything feel even more real, like it’s the truth. My chest feels so tight all the time, and I’m scared that there’s nothing to heal because this isn’t OCD but just me realizing I don’t love him. I want to heal, but I feel like I don’t have the strength to do it alone and I can’t access therapy. I feel trapped inside my own mind and I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like my fear became reality.

I have been blocked by so many people on here, I am struggling with POCD and real events OCD because of the stupid positions I put myself in, and it feels like my worst pocd fears are coming true one by one... But since I put myself in these situations, I deserve this right? I deserve this pain and hell I created for myself right?? This is absolutely what I deserve right...? I dont pity myself because why would I pity something I despise...? I dont even see myself as a human anymore... i see myself as an "it". UPDATE: Oh dear god... I think my worst fears came true... I think I unknowingly ERP'ed with a minor on an 18+ discord server 5 years ago... they currently are on Astralspiff's discord, having been there since 2023, and have switched their username, with a chicken emoji as their bio... they also switched their profile picture from Nana Osaki to a fan art of Kasame Teto... its making me think that these three things are certainties that she was a minor on the 18+ sexual server... and that I ERP'ed with her not knowing this... Im genuinely feeling shocked and sick to my stomach right now... they don't have their age listed on discord or anything, but they joined 5 years ago and it was 4 years ago that we ERP'ed... god I feel disgusted and horrified right now... someone talk to me... please.... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it...

Hey so i've been mia for a while but school started and i just had a bunch of stuff going on. I'm back on my meds because the last few months were rough, however i've been through this before and i know myself and i can tell i'm getting better again, thankfully. Now there is something stressing me out and intrusive thoughts are taking over. I'm going to finish my major this year, and to do so i need to do an internship at a lab. We get to choose the lab, and so far so good. I have always loved Forensic Sciencies and Criminal Investigation, and for a while now i have been pursuing them academically, not directly but through a major and internships that will let me work in that field. So when i got to pick the lab i chose a forensics laboratory that deals with everything from forensic pathology to autopsies to toxicology, etc. I have been exchanching emails with the lab and everything seems to be on a good track for me to go there. However, I now start wondering if this is really for me, what if i get there and im too squeamish, feel nauseous, or just straight up have a panic attack?! What if i see things i never wanted to and they haunt me? What if seeing a dead person is too much for me? Or the smell or even the samples? Im genuinely scared of getting something engraved in my mind my ocd and anxiety can feed off- and i know that can happen because that has happened before in a very different situation and i worked through my ptsd episode with my therapist, but while also being haunted by it for months. The thing is, if this isnt right for me, i don't know what is, because i've been after it for so long and while i do believe i'll love it and feel gratified, i'm also so so so scared. Should i do anything to prepare myself? Should i be scared? What do i do? Anything would help rn guys.

So when checking the pdf of the ICD 11 and DSM 5 TR, I noticed that obsessions are described as ‘persistent’ and ‘repetitive’ or ‘recurrent’ and I think I’m a little confused about that. By repetitive/recurrent does it mean that an obsession (a specific obsession) has to come again and again to count as an obsession? Or do they mean that obsessions in general, whatever the content of the thought, seem to be come up again and again? Another thing is I saw a picture in one nocd article ? of the ocd cycle and for the obsession part there was ‘repetitive’ under it, does this indicate that one intrusive thought ( for example a SPECIFIC what if) has to come more than once to count as an obsession? Please help