Welcome to
the NOCD Community

My OCD is so bad right now. There are medical reasons why but I’m panicking so hard right now. Every thing sweet thing I do with my bf gets replaced by the thought of another guy. Kissing him? Imagine it’s someone else, it happens. Or I cause it idk either way it happens. Smelling my bf’s shirt for comfort? Pretend this belongs to someone else. It happens. I cry. I’m intimate with my bf? It happens. I’m taking a cute picture *for* my bf, it happens and then I delete it bc I took it with someone else in mind. It keeps happening. I keep causing it. I can’t love my bf in peace. I think “my baby *my bf name*” it turns into “my baby *that other guy name*.” It won’t stop happening. Please help me idk if this OCD at this point. It feels just as affectionate as it would if my bf wasn’t getting replaced in these thoughts. That’s what scares me. Sometimes I even feel curious about it. I’m scared, please any input.

UPDATE: I couldnt do it... i couldnt stop posting... this situation is too triggering and thinking about the worst possible outcome scares me... in the past, I have been catfished by a man pretending to be a woman, had a minor on a dating app who lied about her age and i unknowingly flirted with her because I assumed she was 18+ and her bio said so, and sent an 18+ pic to a "woman" online who now I suspect of being a catfish... this is the reason why I'm so scared of whether or not I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor without knowing... it genuinely scares me... Its making me think that I unknowingly inappropriately chatted with a minor in the past without knowing and it genuinely triggers me... I have tried to go back through most 18+ online interactions ive had with women online to make sure they didnt lie or they confirmed their age... i have two situations on discord that trigger me that ive posted about in the past... and a couple have deleted their discords so thats triggering me really bad... most who deleted their discords were verified but still... why delete your discord, you know...? for context i was on 18+ explicit discord servers meant for sex that you cant just join regularly on iPhone due to it being for adults only... Ive also been to a website dedicated to adult 18+ literature... they also have an 18+ chat room where you can talk to other users... i know ive made stupid mistakes going on here... i wont deny that... and now im paying for it with the uncertainty... veterans of the site, who have been on there for over 9 years, have told me that the chances of a minor lying about their age and coming onto the chat portion of the website are rare... but it still triggers me all the same... Im scared of someone one day in the future accusing me of doing horrible things like unknowingly inappropriately messaging minors, or have my worst fears of unknowingly explicitly messaging a minor confirmed to have happened and I didnt know about it...

It’s a little long so bare with me I have always had a fear of elevators, which I found is more common than I thought. I had been alright and got it out of phobia territory until a very poor therapist got me in a situation that worsened it entirely when I was a kid. (Exposure therapy gone wrong) Since then I have worked my way back to a neutral status towards the machines. However, I have also found I experience a sort of ‘elevator vertigo’ I basically get dizzy if the elevator moves too fast, again, not super uncommon but apparently not everyone experiences this. But this uncomfortable feeling, despite it completely going away once the elevator stops, causes anxiety. Especially if I know I am going to have to travel via the elevator that gives me the ‘elevator vertigo’. This then causes more anxiety which causes the spiral of not being able to stop being anxious about it because I’m mentally counting down the minutes before I experience it again. And this, go figure, worsens the dizziness. I am usually pretty good about giving myself options when something like this causes this much distress. I’ve explained to myself there are stairs that I can take if it’s too much to take an elevator. However, it’s the fifth floor and without too much detail, I am not entirely physically equipped to be 5 flights of stairs on top of my usual commute. (Should mention I’m a college student right about now) So then I worry about overdoing it physically and hurting or distressing myself by not wanting to take an elevator. Which in turn causes a self hatred/diminishing my anxieties and feelings spiral. I’d usually pocket this up as much as possible but it’s woken me up at 4am when I went to sleep around midnight/1am and have to wake up for the class that causes me to use this elevator at 7. So question at hand: how the hell do I calm this cycle down? I know it’s near impossible to shut it off completely but I’m almost annoyed at myself for letting this little thing disrupt my sleep! I was literally dreaming about potential situations depending on my choice of elevator or stairs.

So me and my ex-boyfriend broke up 2 or 3 months ago, and I am currently looking, but I can't find the "man of my dreams". I know that people say it takes time, but I'm done waiting.

I feel like I want to be lesbian. I want to cry. I gave into compulsions and I went on lesbian TikTok. It feels like something I want to try and do and that I’d be happier. Why is it so real. I don’t want to be lesbian but I feel like I’m pushing down the truth. How do I stop giving into these compulsions and feel better, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even remember being straight or liking men. I hate this.

Im making this post not because Im currently anxious (even though i am currently triggered) but because i want to make this message for those who currently struggle as much as i do... What I will tell you is that you are loved... you don't have to agree with it... you even can label it as something you disagree with or hate... but you are loved regardless. And you are cared for... and you have people who will show you endless compassion... this is not something I will expect you to get yet, mostly because just like me, you are stuck in the spiral too... I know how you feel because I hate myself too... I hate myself so much that anyone who tells me that they love me, I refuse to believe and brush off because the thought of loving myself has become inconceivable to me. I have POCD and real events OCD for christs sake... I have done genuine horrible things as a 13-14 year old... things I will probably never forgive myself for as long as I live... but this does not have to be you... You might think "ive done horrible things, therefore I cannot be forgiven for the things ive done" and I know because Im just like you... the main difference between us is that I have actually done genuinely horrible things as a 13-14 year old that would make people despise, vilify, and even hate me. Thats not you. You are someone who either A. was a kid when it happened, so you cannot blame yourself for a childs mind and actions, or B. Realize that you are someone here because you understand that what you are going through is something that other people have gone through... you arent alone... no one ever is... but I might disagree because I'm probably the most alone out of everyone. Recognize that this community will fight tooth and nail to help and defend you and recognize that you are in a community full of the 1 percent of people on this planet, that give a shit about you... these people (whether they've blocked me or not) can recognize that your suffering is not the fault of your own, but through the fault of a chemical imbalance in their heads that torments them endlessly with intrusive thoughts, feelings, and even your own past... you arent alone... you never really are in this place... Im the exception however... One last sentence before I go. As the 11th doctor once said... "You are forgiven... always and completely forgiven..." P.S. please don't ask me what my real events were... they were genuinely extremely horrible and I refuse to discuss it with anyone unless its my mom (who knows what happened) or a therapist in the distant future... this isnt about me... this is about all of you.

18+ When I was in high school (16 or 17), I hung out with the popular kids of school... they send me this popular girl (who was in our school) explicit photo on snap because I was curious to see it... after I turned 19, I suddenly remembered my friends sent the photo and asked them to delete it off of the chat, as I didn't want to be in possession of any form of illegal material... Fast forward to later... my friend had broken up with his ex and wanted to send us explicit pics of her... curious at the time, I asked to see it and he sent the group (including me) some pictures... Now that Im 24, I remember him sending these pics and asked him to take down the pics in our snapchat convo... I didnt want any pics of their ex because this was harmful content... my friend, (the one who sent our friend group explicit vids and pics of his ex) told me that there was a one month period between him and her when they were in a relationship where he was 18 and she was 17 )... they were together for 1-2 years... and they were explicit throughout their whole relationship ... including the one month period... so i was getting extremely anxious and triggered about him sending me potentially illegal stuff... I asked him several times over the course of three days after he casually admitted he had a 1 month age period with her, (he was 18 and she was 17 during that one month) if she was over 18 when he made those videos, and he kept giving me answers like "Yes" And "It was a month after she turned 18..." He even got frustrated on the second day of me asking and said "Dude, this is the 10th time you've asked me and yes she was." On the third day I asked him, he said "yeah" when i said his previous comments of "a month after she turned 18, right?" back to him, and he even added that "we started getting more explicitly active around this time." He also told me "Even if she was under the age of 18, you wouldn't be in trouble because you were sent it." So now I keep getting anxious because I dont know if he's lying or not and its triggering me really bad, not to mention feeling guilty about the harm I had caused... I genuinely feel so guilty and awful about this... I hurt people... and I cant sleep at night knowing I did... People say you make mistakes when you were a teen... these were some of my mistakes... I genuinely feel horrible and I cant sleep at night knowing the guilt of my actions are still there... I genuinely feel awful... I hope people dont hate me after reading this... i hope you dont block me... you've all been so genuinely kind and encouraging to me... and I dont want to lose someone who cares about me on here... (edited)

With all the unintentional and intentional harm ive done, I keep thinking about the girl I like... she told me recently she felt scared for me because of my mental health decline, and I cant even tell her anything about my real events or my intrusive thoughts, because she would likely call me a disgusting freak, a perverted weirdo, or both... I genuinely hate living right now... I can't stand myself... When I was in high school (16 or 17), I hung out with the popular kids of school... they send me this popular girl at our school's explicit photo on snap because I was curious to see it... after I turned 18, I suddenly remembered my friends sent the photo and asked them to delete it off of the chat, as I didn't want to be in possession of any form of illegal material... Fast forward to when I was 19... my friend had broken up with his ex and wanted to send us explicit pics of her... curious at the time, I asked to see it and he sent the group (including me) some pictures... Now that Im 24, I remember him sending these pics and asked him to take down the pics in our snapchat convo... I didnt want any pics of their ex because this was harmful content... I genuinely feel so guilty and awful about this... I unintentionally hurt people... and I cant sleep at night knowing I did... You said you made mistakes when you were a teen... these were my mistakes... I genuinely feel horrible and I cant sleep at night knowing the guilt of my actions are still there... I genuinely feel awful... I hope all you dont hate me after reading this... i hope you dont block me... you've been so genuinely kind and encouraging to me... and I dont want to lose someone who cares about me on here...

Throughout my teenage years, i did some horrible things that I absolutely regret now... either involuntarily or voluntarily, I hurt people... and I will regret my actions till the end of time. While I aspire to be a naval medical officer, and currently a nationally licensed EMT, this does not atone for my mistakes, nor does it remove accountability for what ive done... for anyone that I have hurt... no matter how big or small... im sorry... for everything... and I will be better as an adult in the future, and raise my future family to be better than I could ever be ... (edited)

Tbh I don’t really remember exactly what/when I saw or read that first triggered my potential ocd (not officially diagnosed yet), not sure if it was a thought that led to research or research that led to thought. Is this normal? And can ocd first be triggered by something you read or is it like you read something + getting a thought?

Thinking of getting a diagnosis/diagnostic assessment through NOCD, but I’m quite worried/afraid about getting misdiagnosed or calling with someone who’s like not qualified or knowledgeable enough to diagnose. On Reddit it seems that people experiences depend on which NOCD therapist they get assigned with or something, but the diagnostic assessment will be the same no matter the therapist right? Like the questions they ask and stuff? And is it an officially diagnosis? Any advice?

Hi, I'm new here, I'm about to go into my second year of college, and I've been reflecting quite a bit on my relationships over the summer. I get these really loud intrusive thoughts all the time that I'm exploiting my friends/partner and that if I don't mask my "true intentions" they will abandon me. I feel like I never do enough for them and when I do try I just end up messing up or just making the situation worse. I just want to know if anyone else experiences this? If so, any advice? I'm thinking about seeking advice from my psychiatrist and psychologist about more thoughts I will not get into on here. Thanks!

I met my current boyfriend after ending things with my ex a month earlier. By coincidence, my current boyfriend and I had a class together, we became friends, and of course I started liking him. By May 2021, two months later, my feelings for him grew stronger and stronger. At that time, I wasn’t really going through a depression over my ex. In fact, little by little, we had stopped talking since January 2021, and by the end of March I told him I needed my personal space because I was dealing with another type of OCD. Looking back, during all that time I was open to getting to know this new guy (my current boyfriend). Finally, in July everything was going well between us, and we decided to stop giving each other space. Meanwhile, my ex was stalking me on social media. I was very happy to be getting to know my boyfriend at that time. In August, we had our first kiss and then, as I mentioned earlier, we stopped dating for a while. In September, we ended things, which hurt me a lot, but in November we tried again. During all that time, I didn’t have OCD. Later, in January, when my boyfriend and I made our relationship official, the doubts started: “Am I still in love with my ex?” “Am I using my boyfriend to forget my ex?” “Am I really over my ex?” The memories, physical sensations, all of that. So, my question is: does OCD with thoughts about an ex only happen to people who just broke up and are still grieving, or can it also show up later on, even if you’re already in a new relationship? I ask this because I’m afraid I might not have gotten over my ex and that these intrusive thoughts mean something else, since I’ve read that some people develop OCD right after a breakup and get stuck there. But in my case, I just moved on, and then the intrusive thoughts showed up later.

One of my big ocd themes revolves around the fear of passing out. I have agoraphobia and panic disorder too bc of this. It started when I was 5 when a doctor gave me a shot, I passed out. After that any time I went in for a regular physical exam I would get so nervous I’d pass out, it then extended to other types of doctors. To as an adult everywhere I go, I have this extreme fear of passing out. It doesn’t help that I have some sort of validation behind the fear bc it has happened. Throughout my whole life I’ve passed out maybe 10-15 times so idk how to get over this. It rules every aspect of my life and I’m completely home bound bc of it. I also just feel really dramatic talking about it to people who don’t have anxiety, so I don’t talk about it and I keep it in and it’s not fair that whenever I have to do something I have to be brave. I don’t want to be brave, I want to feel comfortable

Hey, I am a 19 year old girl, who have since February 2024 begun questioning if I am a lesbian. I have always LOVED boys, and have always known that I do not like women sexually, but I remember one night I got the thought “what if you like women” and I have not been able to not think about it since then. I remember I began questioning this during Covid when I was home alone in 2020, but has since then been able to be 100% that it was just a fase where I was curious, but had since then been able to talk openly about me not liking women without it triggering something. But since February I have thought about it EVERY day and every single minute of the day. I have a boyfriend of 3,5 years who I love so much, but since I began having these thoughts I cannot feel attracted to him. I need to ask him for reassurance 10+ times a day “pinky promise I’m not into women but only men” and have to ask him a certain way. I also think “oh I feel the need to look at women’s private parts and get a tangly feeling 3 or more times before I can look away cause it has to feel right. I also feel like I can’t listen to eg “I kissed a girl” or “born this way” because if I do I will feel attracted to it. Another example is that I constantly seek reassurance from Google, ChatGPT or TikTok and it is so draining because in the end I keep thinking “I don’t have a OCD diagnosis what If im in denial and is just a lesbian who is lying to me bf” I feel as im in denial just writing this. I have lived with it for a year now and is starting to question “what if I have just changed and must accept that I don’t like boys and is masculine e.g.” but the thing is, I have ALWAYS loved makeup, and loves girl stuff, but when I have these thought I can’t feel as I am in control of who I am. It makes me question myself to the point where I feel as I have to go out and be with a women because it is what my brain tells me to do. During a 5 month period in between this year the topic changed to “what if I have cheated on my bf without him knowing because I don’t remember” and I went down another dark hole. I have thrown all my clothe from that period of time out because I felt guilty and as it held “bad memories” and now I regret it because the topic has changed. But during that time I had to seek reassurance from friends “have I flirted - do u think I talked flirty or looked at them, have I done anything” and I had to have it IN writing, otherwise it wasn’t valid. I even promised God that I would not go out clubbing until New Year’s Eve at 12 am, because then he would forgive me and it would make me a not lesbian person. But it did not help a bit, the topic just changed and my “am I a leabjan” spiral started again. And it makes me so sad because why can it not just think “okay you are bisexual” NOT JUST “oh you are either heterosexual or ONLY into women” it is like my mind is afraid. So I guess my hope and question is, is there anyone who can tell if this sounds like OCD, and if I am into women. Before gaining these thoughts I was certain, and I know i don’t ONLY like women, but I can’t even be sexually active with my bf because if I think of women during it, I must get turned on by it and be a lesbian. I am so exhausted. Sorry for the long question, I am just so drained. Backstory: my family has a lot of mental illnesses on my dads side, and when I was a child I dealt a lot with having to wash my hands until they bled and crying because i did not know why I lived. I was never diagnosed.

Hi wonderful people. I hope you’re all doing well and if not, I really hope you find a moment of peace soon. Im really glad this app exists as a safe space for people. Im just coming on here to vent, I hope thats okay. The last few days have been rough for me OCD wise. Im getting ready to drive back to university which is a really long drive, and I have to do it alone. Driving is one of my worst OCD triggers- every time I’m on the wheel of a car I have these horrid intrusive thoughts about crashing, or what would have happened if I crashed and died/killed someone, or breaking a traffic law and being arrested. I feel like I need to turn around and double check I didn’t run a stop sign and ruminate over it and it’s terrible. And I have to drive exactly the speed limit or I’ll be arrested. Idk- I try my best to manage and just take breaks when I need to but my palms sweat and my hands shake and staring at nothing for hours at a time makes for great intrusive thought breeding grounds. And because I’m stressed my other ocd issues are popping up like rocd- I’m so grateful my poor boyfriend has the patience of a stone. We’ve both grown a lot over the past few months and a lot has changed since my diagnosis- especially now that we both know my “trust issues” are a symptom of something bigger. But I go through these cycles where the goblin convinces me he’ll someday become abusive. The whole “oh she/they/he was so sweet until xyz and then I was trapped and I thought they were going to murder me.” Back before I had my diagnosis and I was having “moments” as we call them, where I ruminate and ruminate and compulse for hours while having panic attacks, he would sometimes get frustrated and stressed and yell. It was always with love, something like “I dont understand why you cant just listen to me and take care of yourself” or “you know the coping mechanisms to feel better so why dont you do them” or “what do you want me to say? That everythings going to turn out horribly?” (Reassurance seeking). I know in my heart that these were vulnerable moments coming from not know what to do or how to help, but the goblin wont shut up and stop telling me these are somehow “red flags” that someday hes going to turn and become abusive towards me. And then sometimes i compulse that if I just do xyz it wont happen, like not talk or something. Idk, Im just scared and frustrated. We’ve had conversations about the yelling and how it’s a trigger and hes been really good about stepping away when he needs a minute- especially now that we both know what “moments” really are, instead of a seemingly random psychotic break multiple times a week. Im also getting better now that I’m on meds. But gosh when the goblin pops up it just makes me crazy. Im just grateful he knows about ocd and has been so supportive throughout everything. (I feel like in post I should note that we’re partially long distance, we live 5hrs apart during the school year and see eachother on breaks. He gets frustrated and stressed when I’m having an attack and he physically cannot be there to help me.) Idk, Idk what Im really saying. I’m just quite stressed and theres a lot of goblin thoughts pingponging around my head and making quite the racket. I spun out last night in a compulsion attack and panic attack and it really stank, I don’t really remember a lot of it now. My partner was with me and it was related to both of the above and all he could do was keep me from pulling at my hair and hold me until I came out of it. I feel horrible for putting him through all of this but I’m also so grateful. Idk, everything’s just so stressful right now. If any of you read to this point thank you, I’m sorry this was so long, I just really needed to explode out into the anonymous void. Thanks again

We've been together for nearly 6 months now, but our start wasn't easy. We began as friends who both liked each other but also liked someone else more. I made the conscious decision to let go of that person, but it was not the same on his side. He didn't know that I liked him back, and had absolutely no inkling that he ever had a chance, so at one point he openly told me that he found her more attractive than me because he thought it wouldn't matter since I "didn't like him anyway." He doesn't even remember that conversation but profusely apologized for saying something so dehumanizing and thoughtless when I eventually brought it up. At one point I even told him to ask her out before we continued further (after I finally confessed) because I convinced myself he'd resent me if he didn't fully explore that option. He thought that was unusual and hated that I may think of myself as a second option (not remembering that he himself had basically already put me in that position), but did it because I was so insistent. These things only became relevant again when I told him to stop calling me "the prettiest girl in the world" a while ago. I don't have a lack of confidence in my looks whatsoever, it's more-so my personality that I worry about, but whenever he said that it would make me so angry because I already knew of someone he thought was prettier. Especially because that comment he said so mindlessly that he even forgot about it, replays in my head so often. He's started saying it again recently, now that we've said our I love you's and are publicly an item to everyone we know. I almost found myself really believing it because I know he loves me. It was fine up until she returned from vacation and now stays in the same building as him, while I'm still stuck at home until it's time to return for the semester. She's been gone the entire time that our bond deepened, but now I'm constantly bothering myself with thoughts of secret insincerity on his part. That now that she's back he'll be enamored by her all over again. That he only likes me so much because she wasn't in the picture. That he'll leave me for her the second he gets a chance even though I know she has no interest. I just feel the need to get this off my chest because I don't want to tell anyone around us and risk them disliking him over something he's deeply apologized for that I should rationally know he doesn't believe anymore. I don't really want to bring it up with him either, for fear of coming off as overly jealous or territorial now that she's back, but I have a tendency to torment myself with misinterpretation of his feelings unless I directly speak with him about it unfortunately. I'll end up brainstorming how to approach it eventually, but it feels so icky right now.

This is more under gender identity ocd but maybe someone will find it. I’m just kinda in a googling spiral rn Questions like: What does it mean to feel being your gender If I like taking pictures of me in makeup or without (and usually sending it to my bf) and my pretty outfits is that euphoria? How do I know if like being a woman? Autistic women and gender? (Idk I think I might be autistic and I keep seeing autistic women saying they feel like gender less aliens. Idk if I get that feeling. I love being a woman but I can’t tell if I feel it? Does that make sense?) Gender euphoria meaning and examples Am I depressed cuz im meant to be a man or is it cuz im burnt out If I dress masculine does that make me a man? (I never dress masculine ever. Maybe tomboyish? But like. Feminine tomboy if that makes sense. Think like. Skater girl. But that’s once in a blue moon. I live in cardigans and jeans a lot of the time (when I have patience to dress up) or joggers and a snoopy sweater I love) Has society forced me to be a woman? Is it ok to feel neutral some days being a woman or do I have to be excited all the time (answer is I can feel neutral yes) Is it burnout/depression or am I trans I genuinely have no desire to be a man. But im worried that there’s something hidden. Im worried there’s dysphoria hidden or a trait or smthn that I haven’t noticed. Or im gonna be one of those people who transitions in 20 years time at 40. Im worried im suppressing smthn. I used to be a big tomboy, thought I was a boy for a while, but grew out of it once I got to high school, idk if that was a puberty thing or a me finally feeling good about myself being away from my bullied thing or a society forcing me to act more like a girl thing. I never wore the kilt we had (catholic high school lol. Hated the thing) I just didn’t like it. I still don’t really wear skirts cuz I don’t like having my legs out unless I’m with someone I’m close to (like my bf) I’m not a huge fan of bikinis for the same reason. But I love long dresses and maxi skirts. I do love shorter dresses too but I wear them less. My bf is Muslim so I dress modestly and honestly I prefer it to the shorts all the time thing. I still wear crop tops with him, and I feel confident and beautiful and feel like myself but most of the time I’d rather a t shirt or a long sleeve. I honestly dress more comfortably rather than like out together cuz I’m a pre med student in my now third year of uni. I don’t have time to put makeup on every day when I have 3 classes in one day. Or pick a nice outfit every single day. I only wear super cute outfits on dates, going out with friends, important meetings, with his family or going to the mall, or if I have the random energy burst I have once or twice a month lol. And I feel like me in the outfit cuz it’s actually my style, not the stuff my mother wants me to wear a lot of the time (my mom is somewhat.. critical of my outfits. I wear a lot of cardigans and large sweaters cuz they’re comfy and I feel cute in them and she says I look like a grandma. Idk. Makes me feel meh.) but my bf makes me feel pretty, as do my friends. I never really question my gender. I just feel like a woman so I live as a woman. I feel happy as one, I love purple, I love wearing sparkly dresses. I still think about the dress I wore to a dance with my friends a couple years ago. I felt gorgeous. It was form fitting and covered in sequins. I felt so pretty. But I’m worried I actually didn’t and I was faking? But in that moment that night I felt like a Princess. And when I wore a long dress in the forest with my bf (accidental hike lol. We thought it was a sitting park. It was a hiking one) I felt so pretty. My makeup was gorgeous. He didn’t even have to tell me I looked pretty, I just felt gorgeous. Idk. I think I solved my problem. It’s 2am. I’m tired and I have class in the morning

Iiii am horribly, terribly afraid of driving. I'm almost 19, and getting my license - or really even getting in a car and driving myself - has eluded me for quite some time. There are a lot of unknowns, and it's very hard to reconcile with; even on familiar routes, every drive's gonna be different, there are gonna be different people on the road than there were on a successful drive (and obviously I can't trust other people, because I never know what could happen), there might be construction or a wreck or some other hindrance in the road. It's tough to process, over and over, that I can't read the future, let alone control it to circumvent any Possible woes. I've never experienced a severe wreck or anything to justify this fear, the worst I've done is mix up the brake and gas once in an empty lot (nothing and nobody harmed aside from some fear on my end, just a scratch on the car!) yet I'm Petrified of causing an accident, hurting myself or especially someone else, and incurring debts a college student like myself can't pay off. Even so, not having my license is.. frustrating! It's easier and more comfortable to avoid practicing and actually getting there, but at the same time it's hard and disappointing because I have no independence in the way of going to work, shopping, or seeing my friends or partner. It's a real back and forth conundrum of "Phew, at least I can't drive" -> "Oh no I can't drive" -> "Oh no I have to drive", rinse and repeat. I'm headed off to college now, really running out of time (I've booked an instructor for myself and may end up in a position to test this week.. I leave Friday 😟) and more antsy than ever. Anybody else ever feel/felt this way?

So this is my second post of the day and before I post this I’m not looking for reassurance just feeling very fearful about this situation and need to vent. Sometimes my false memory ocd gets so bad I have to download past data of any apps on social media to make sure I didn’t do anything and even then it doesn’t help. I did that with my Snapchat data and I saw that I had someone from a very toxic and past relationship on my snap that I remembered I had deleted a couple weeks after my boyfriend and I started dating. I didn’t notice it until I recently had the compulsion to go recheck all the data I downloaded to make sure. When I saw the date I deleted them and that it was a couple weeks after my boyfriend and I got together, I felt my face get hot, I started tearing up and I started freaking out. And then of course my thoughts started rolling in “What if you deleted them because you texted them and did it to make sure your boyfriend didn’t see?” Or “What if you still had their number in your phone and texted them?” Etc. etc. I felt horrible after I noticed that he was still on my snap, I know I forgot because I was only focused on my boyfriend and I spending time together, and I don’t hardly ever use Snapchat in general so I just basically leave the app alone and such. I’m just so worried now and It’s bothering me. I also experienced a thought like “What if I knew he was still on there and I kept him on there on purpose?” I can’t deal with these thoughts anymore, they’re so exhausting, and the fact that I even have these thoughts and they always try to attack my relationship just makes me so mad and upset.