Welcome to
the NOCD Community

I had a dream that I liked this boy and I’m a girl is it a good sign that’s I’m straight but when I woke up I started to get thoughts about girls and they feel real they deal that I like girls and I don’t want to

Does anyone else struggle with p*rn and ocd. I feel as though ive watched something terrible or i got off to something terrible and if i did i only did it once but i cant forgive myself to move on. I feel i want to die.

why do I get one for no reason? and why is it so strong and overwhelming? i ended up doing the m-sturbation compulsion to get rid of it and i kept thinking of different images to see if it made the feeling stronger and it did and it scared me so i just stopped thinking about it. but im scared im too far gone. im scared im genuinely a p. im scared im a fraud and genuinely fooling everyone. this compulsion i have just seems like an excuse to get off to this. im so sad. anxiety is low, shame is high. i use to have a lot of anxiety about this but it’s gone down a lot. I would rather not be on this earth than be a p. what do i do? why does this compulsion happen? does this compulsion mean i like this? even if the sensations feel like it does?

TW - This post is directed to the men. Also, this is going to be TMI I'm a guy and I've been having a rough time talking to people now. A lot of times I get groinal responses even during talking to people -- really anyone, including family members and other dudes. I'm not really sure what the reason is. But it is difficult having that happen because as a guy, it is of course more obvious to the outside world when it happens, and I have to hide it. Anyway, I was at college just a few hours ago and ran into someone I knew from one of my clubs and they talked to me and I got a groinal response and I had to cut the conversation short because I obviously wanted to get out of that situation and I didn't want anyone to notice and think I was some kind of pervert. Of course, I wasn't even thinking that way. And what makes it worse is that it also just so happened to be a lady. But it's just really hard to get a grasp on those thoughts because of OCD. Man, it stinks... Anyway, sorry for the TMI

Hey everyone, my mum gifted me a birth chart reading as a birthday present. I don’t necessarily believe in astrology but its fun to hear, yk? So today I went and got my birth chart analyzed and and she said something that really triggered me. Most of the things she said were true, some things even were realllyyy specific and true. So in the last 10 Minutes she wanted to explain what Lilith meant in my chart. She listet a few things and one of them was „accept your homosexuality/transsexualitiy“ and now I am very scared. I’ve been dealing with soocd and Rocd for the last 3 1/2 years and lately Ive been doing quite good. But that phrase shook something in me :,) Does anyone have an idea on how I can deal with this feeling. I know astrology does not necessarily need to be true or 100% true and she also said things that didn’t apply to me but I am so scared. How can I deal rn..?

I know everyone’s case is different, but I feel worse at the fact that most people on here Know they’re not lesbian or gay, but are struggling with SOOCD. I truly don’t know if I am or not at this point, so I don’t even know what my values are anymore :(

So I’m a woman and I’m with my boyfriend for 1,5 years. I realise that every time I see a woman (whoever she is) I imagine subconsciously her kissing. This happens a lot and I a knowledge it then but then I ignore it totally. Now I realised this is happening. How to know if it’s an obsession? Now I ruminate in order “not to be a lesbian”. Also when I see a man and a woman I will firstly check woman’s characteristics. I know that I would like one day to experience something with a woman but not something deep and only as a fantasy. Help…

Ok so I’m a girl and actually I always only had crushes on guys. Usually I also only have fantasies with guys. But for a couple of months in 2021 I called myself bisexual thinking I was into women too. At some point I changed that back to straight again and also got rid of other things that I did back then like thinking I didn’t want to be a girl. I still sometimes have trouble with the „what if I’m still not comfortable in being a girl?“ but that’s not the problem rn. I just went through episode and I wanted to go through the categories. I saw Lgbtq and remembered one of my friends who always reads Lgbtq books. I decided to click on the category and looked through the different stories they had. I didn’t click on any books tho I just scrolled through it. But I suddenly got the feeling „what if I’m attracted to women?“ and then my brain started telling me to read one of the stories and just let into my feelings for women. I also had a tiny feeling down there but it was already there before I had seen the Lgbtq category. And my brain kept telling me to „just let into my feelings and read one so that I will finally realise I’m into women“. And I then decided to quickly leave the Lgbtq category again. But now I’m doubting it. What if I’m actually into women? Bc I honestly don’t want to be I feel so ashamed even though it’s legal in my country and I don’t see any big problem with Lgbtq, I just don’t really want myself to be this way bc I actually think men are really attractive and I wanna be with men. I feel as if being into women would close a lot of doors for me. I just feel so ashamed now, am I into women bc of those thoughts? I often have thoughts going like „what if I’m into my online best friend?“ and like, she’s female and bisexual so my brain keeps being like „what if you both like each other and will end up with each other and you won’t just stay friends like you’ve been for the past years?“ and I know it’s really mean with the assumption that just bc sb is bisexual they’re in love with u bc you’re the same gender as them and I’m not thinking that but sometimes I just have these sudden doubts. It feels as if, if my best friend would ever like me, sth would change and that I would just accept those feelings and would end up liking her too. She actually sometimes tells me abt some girl at her school that she said she has a crush on and that’s perfectly fine in my opinion. But then I sometimes have these doubts like „what if I’m actually into her and am jealous of her friend?“ and like, I really like that girl too even tho I don’t know her. She seems really nice to her. I saw a picture of her on Instagram and though she kinda looks like a pig to me, it’s none of my business. Whatever my friend is comfortable with. But what if I’m into women? I feel so ashamed rn :/ I feel forced to keep reading wattpad stories with men because of this but sometimes these stories are just so boring bc of the constant enemies to lovers trope but then my brain will suddenly be like „well why don’t you read a lesbian story?“ and like, I don’t want to read a lesbian story bc that’s not what I identify with and I don’t want to imagine anything with a woman :( I didn’t have this problem at all up until a month ago..

For anyone else into spirituality, astrology, signs etc. Do you find this can make your OCD worse at times? For example… seeing “signs” that your intrusive thoughts are true or will come true? I’m having a horrible bout of SO-OCD right now and even just saying that I feel shame because I have nothing against the LGBTQ community. But for some reason it’s debilitating at the moment and I keep convincing myself that I’m seeing “signs” that are telling me I’m actually gay, even though I know deep down I’m not. Any advice with this? Why does it feel so incredibly distressing? Then I start to convince myself I must just be in denial. It’s never ending

I always get images of things that I severely don’t want to have. It gets better as the day goes on but I feel that whenever I make mistakes or there’s an accident (for instance my fingers accidentally grazed a students “area” when I was trying to get my pen) make me feel insanely guilty and that I want to hurt myself to compensate. For that instance I told my boss right away and she didn’t make it a big deal because it was such a swift and accidental occurrence, but that moment kept/keeps replaying in my head and I feel like a monster. Also, when I let a student use my phone to look at a picture for reference (art project) there was a search I made about birth control and how to know when to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t think much of it because I have absolutely nothing bad in my phone, but now I feel like I might be some groomer or monster. I definitely should go back to therapy but I just want to see if anybody had similar experiences/fears.

I’ve got hocd and I need help I don’t know who I am anymore I keep getting intrusive thoughts and they are not going away I don’t think I handle this anymore. I want to stay straight I don’t want to be gay . Any advice. My thoughts are confusing me I’m getting thoughts about boys and girls and I like boys but why am I getting thoughts about boys isn’t it supposed to be the opposite . I’m confused I don’t like girls

Do any of you deal with OCD showing up in your dreams? Just had a dream where I fell for this beautiful girl and I felt so happy and then her face turned into a masculine face and realized it was a man after. In the dream, I even started questioning what if thoughts and scared why this happened. Now, I can’t shake off why the woman’s face I saw turned into a mans and why for a split second I was still thinking it was a woman’s face. I just feel sick and exhausted that I keep having this theme running around my mind. I don’t want to be gay ever and all these thoughts and now dreams make me feel ill

anyone who has recovered from this theme, how did they do it because i’m really struggling, does medication help?

I’ve been having better weeks recently. Weekends are still a struggle for me but I’m pushing through and each week they are getting easier. I went out yesterday and had a few drinks with my partner it was lovely to have a laugh and get a little drunk. I usually avoid alcohol because I’m always scared of how I’ll feel the next day. Today I’m a bit anxious thoughts are swirling around but to be honest I just keep agreeing with them. I.e. “Ah yes maybe that is true” I’m not arguing with my head. I’ve been conducting my own erp which to be honest has been hard and has lead to me crying afterwards. A game changer for me in my recovery process is talking to my mum and fiancé about what is going on with me and the thoughts I have had. Part of the shame was the fact I hid these thoughts and feelings for so long. 7 years in-fact. I buried them deep down! Now it’s not a secret anymore it’s out there if my ocd gets bad i know there is someone to turn to, someone to talk to! They are great at not reassuring me, which is annoying sometimes but for me necessary which is amazing! From being a little girl my I was never career orientated, I mean I want a good job but it wasn’t my main ambition. For me my dream was to get married and have children. I was so shy as a teenage and would get these intense crushes on boys (looking back probably obsessions) I would just want to be with them, day dream about having a boyfriend. I was a bit of a later bloomer compared to my friends and didn’t get my first boyfriend until the age of 15. He wasn’t particularly nice to me and as a woman now I can see how that damaged my self -esteem. Fast forward 5 years I meet my now fiancé at 20 after having my first ocd breakdown at 19 which was in relation to sexual orientation. Before this the idea of me being potentially gay or bisexual never crossed my mind. I became plagued with intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature. I began to think I was attracted to my friends and that I couldn’t be around them. I thought I was lying to my new boyfriend and using him because I hadn’t told him about these thoughts. These thoughts have plagued me for all of my 20’s. At no point was I aroused by them it was the opposite. I tried to seek help several times and I just couldn’t be honest and open because I thought my therapist would confirm my worst fears “I was gay or at least bisexual” At 26 my boyfriend became my fiancé. We bought our first home 6 months prior. I went into a state of panic and shock. Questions began to whirl around my head “Is he the one?” “Do I love him?” “What if I am gay and I haven’t figured it out yet” “what if we get married and I figure it out then and I’ve trapped him into a marriage with me” This was the moment I realised I cannot avoid this anymore I lost 3 stone in weight was unable to sleep, eat, I got signed off from my job it was awful. I had therapy but it wasn’t overly great and I’m back on a waiting list but I am getting better. I’m not avoiding triggers however uncomfortable they make me feel. My life is moving forwards, I’m getting married next year, I’ve booked my venue, I’m getting small glimmers of excitement for the future. The future I’ve dreamed of! I’m not weird, disgusting or manipulative I’m not hiding my “true self” I’m someone who has suffered with a very misunderstood mental health condition for nearly a decade. If anything I’m strong, I’m courageous, I’m resilient and I can and am getting better! Go me!! 💕

Does anyone else see someone attractive of the same sex and start intrusively thinking things like “cute” or something beyond just acknowledging them as good looking? I avoid looking at good looking same sex people on tv shows because I get those intrusive thoughts and it makes me question what does that mean of me. I don’t want to be gay and I feel so uncomfortable and it feels like denial every time I try and do a compulsion. It’s hard to look at men on TV shows because my mind comes up crazy stuff and I don’t know what it means

How can i know that im not actually faking my attraction to hide my denial and hiding my real attraction like its so scary and confusing

Throughout my life really at this point… I’ve suffered from intrusive thoughts regarding attraction to the same gender… Often these intrusive thoughts target people I know and I get hung up on the question of, “What if I’m attracted to this person?” I then constantly “check” to see if I’m genuinely attracted to said person and each time I do check very rarely am I met with reassurance but a strong feeling of anxiety. It’s happened only a handful of times, but it just terrifies me to think that we have no choice over who we find attractive.

I have a really weird question. I don't know if I have OCD however I feel like I am having intrusive thoughts because of porn so I try and stop watching it but I can't even go 7 days without it. Forms of OCD are POCD and SO OCD, in the past back in high school I might have had harmful OCD, I was afraid of hurting girlfriends and friends I had and because of those thoughts, I pushed them away and made them hate me on purpose.

Anxiety is causes me to loop back to negative thoughts about my sexuality. I have had a gay experience when I was a young teen/preteen. Can’t remember the exact age and don’t remember every detail. It’s not something I would pursue or try again. Since then I’ve had multiple girlfriends I’m 31 now. I have a son but these thoughts don’t come when I see a man or even a sex scene with a man. It tends to just pop up the worse times are at night before bed when I’m completely alone. I use to have a bad porn addiction or have one still it’s been a full week sense I’ve done PMO. Of course usually I’d smoke weed and then PMO. Now without it my anxiety is high. I question if I’ll even be able to get hard with a woman, what if I changed and now I’m just not interested in women? What if I used porn to avoid being gay? I’ve never had these thoughts before and never watched gay porn until I developed this SO-OCD. Then i did watch gay porn on two different occasions to see if I would get any sort of arousal. Eventually I would just lose interest but it would also lead back to me watching regular porn and getting turned on and most of the time I caved and did PMO. I’ve fought the urge to do that and have been trying to just sit in my doubt watch some tv, using different show to rewire my brain away from being so over sexualized. Because even tho this happens when I’m alone it also can happen while watching tv. I’ll envision them being sexual. I never pictured myself in these situations until someone asked if I could see myself doing it. That’s when Id get super uncomfortable and nauseous almost like I gotta do something I truly don’t want to but someone is forcing me to do it. An image appears and my mind says well you can see it. That means you’re gay. Trying to do any of this without reassurance is the hardest part. Sometimes I self reassure and have to catch myself. But letting go seems similar to me saying fuck it and having a drink that I don’t want to have. Like I might be capable but I don’t want it

I didn’t have any female desires before this. I was so happy with my bf and only wanted him. Now it truly feels like I’ve been lesbian all along though even though I don’t really feel like I’d be truly happy with a woman. I was just with my bf right now and I felt nothing. I tried to picture a life with him in the moment and I felt nothing, I look at him and feel nothing. but after that and watching him leave, I just started sobbing. My heart feels like it’s in my throat, my eyes won’t stop burning, I cant even breath right. Watching him leave felt like a goodbye. It really feels like I have to break up w him and tell him what’s going on and I don’t know what to do. I know I love him so much and before all this I had no doubts that he was my best friend and my partner and everything. The one person who truly felt like home and now even though I’m still not even sure if this is ocd or not, or if I’m gay or not I feel like I have to break up with him. I feel like I have to tell him. I feel so guilty that he’s with me and I’m feeling like this he deserves so much better.