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Honestly I’m so scared. What if my special interest (a person) isn’t as great as I think she is? I’m so scared. I want to cry

Hey guys. I haven’t posted on here in a very long time, because honestly it’s been great. Does it mean my husband and I haven’t had our moments where we have fought or everything‘s been easy? No. but when it comes to really intense spikes, those haven’t really existed and it’s been great. But about a month ago, I had a very gentle spike, where a question came up related to ROCD And my husband and I were with our family for the holiday, so being that we were around people I couldn’t really talk to him about it, so I texted him. The spike was really random, and it really caught me off guard, and being, so since I hadn’t felt something like that, and it almost being a year, it scared me a little bit. So I texted him since we couldn’t actually talk, And I was expecting him to be a little offended and frustrated because he feels like he is being attacked when these things come up, but he wasn’t and he was really supportive and loving and it was really nice and it actually feels like it diffused the ROCD a little, which gave me a lot of sense of support and love from him. Fast forward to now, I was on my drive home from my job, and I had just gotten off the phone with him, and I was feeling great, and I had a long drive ahead of me, and I was actually missing him and ready to be home. And then I had another one of those random spur thoughts that kinda gave me , a little of an anxiety spike, and this one surrounded More around the thought of me, thinking back to a year and a year and a half ago when I had my last impulse of wanting to leave. The impulses really came from nothing serious they were just these really really strong pushes of emotions that made me feel like I had to do that, and I absolutely hated those feelings and hated when those moments happened and when it came up into my memory today, it gave me a lot of anxiety cause even thinking about them isn’t something I want to do. And so with that question came up along with the feelings that really bothered me and then I started to think, well would that happened again? What will I do? How will we get through it again? Will I have control to stand against the impulses? Just so many anxious questions. So on the drive, I chewed on them, try to be present and enjoy myself on the drive, even though these were in the back of my mind, along with that, I was trying to figure out if I needed to talk to my husband about it. And so when I got home, all I said was “ hey I don’t want to talk about this long because I don’t want to feed it but here is what was on my mind tonight and this is how I feel blah blah blah blah blah” and I was expecting him to be the compassionate supportive person that I received last month. But instead he was hurt and frustrated and irritated at the fact that I brought this up and honestly that just added to my anxiety that I was trying to diffuse, and now we’re in a fight because neither of us feel understood and it’s just really hard. What started with one focus of my ROCD anxious questions has now turned into More based on his reaction. Then, because of his reaction, it puts my mind into a place of focusing on all the negative things about him, which is also another RCD thing that really sucks . It’s been so long since I have been through this, and these tensions between my husband and I when it comes to this topic, so I would really like some responses and encouragement and help on how you guys have gotten through these moments with your spouse? I am also strong in my Christian faith so if anybody else is, that would be super helpful also. Thank you!

Hello everyone. I am new and have recently been diagnosed with ocd. I have a lot of pain and sadness. I always feel lonely and neglected. I had a difficult childhood which also caused me to develop CPTSD. My obsessive thoughts are mainly about my partner. I always want to know what's going on with her, where she is, what she's doing. I want her to listen to me and me first. He keeps in touch with his exes on a friendly level, but I feel my "place" is in danger even though we have discussed it in vain. I keep thinking about her and the possibility of a rekindling with her ex. That she talks to other people more than me. Too independent and I feel my place is in danger again. I guess I'm not good enough, not supportive enough. I often think I'm not loved and I'm a reserve. We have talked about this many times, yet I keep having these things going on in my head. I have severe anxiety and I keep losing weight. I have suicidal thoughts every day. I don't know what to do because I don't want to be like this. I feel sick and toxic.

I've been in a relationship for a couple of months now with a really sweet guy. He's always supportive when it comes to everything I'm involved in. He compliments me regularly. He's got a lot of very happy energy. Nothing is wrong with our relationship, except for me. For the past week or two, I've been experiencing negative feelings and intrusive thoughts at random times, even if I haven't spoken to him around the time that they come up. Everything was great and then all of a sudden they hit me and it's hard to shake them. They're thoughts like "you should break up with him", "do you even really love him", and similar thoughts to that. I've been trying to change course with my thoughts and I think it's working a bit because now it's mostly just the feeling that comes about rather than the thought. It just leaves me feeling less than great, and it's hard to know if I'm actually starting to agree with my thoughts or if I'm just being lured in and deceived because I know that ROCD can do that. It's hard to shake those feelings, and usually they go away when I talk to him, but sometimes I'm so caught up in it that I can't get rid of it, even while we're on the phone. I love him and don't want to break up, I just don't know how to ease the negativity. Why are they coming around now?

My friend and I met up with my boyfriend for a small vacation. My boyfriend has tendencies that align with ADHD but it’s not diagnosed however we’ve noticed this and he’s working on it. However, he slipped up in front of my friend and made a comment that offended him but didn’t realize it. I tried to let him know in the moment that someone could perceive that as offensive but he got defensive because it wasn’t what he intended. I texted my friend about how he felt and he said the comment bothered him, not a lot but for me that was enough. This triggered me and I thought about it for hours until I was at the bar with everyone and had to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom because this was basically one of my worst fears about my relationship is that one of my close family or friends does not approve and we would then have to breakup. My friend assured me that it wasn’t a big deal it was more of a comment that made him roll his eyes. Either way I talked to my boyfriend about this and he didn’t realize his mistake and apologized to me and told me he would apologize to my friend in private as to not make him uncomfortable. This made me feel a lot better. I can tell my boyfriend felt bad about disappointing my friend and I because he cried and had a long talk with my friend. I’m glad this went the way it did however there’s still a nagging voice in my head that tells me there has been irreparable damage done to the image of my boyfriend in my friends eyes and now he doesn’t like him, even though he assured me this wasn’t the case, and that everyone makes mistakes sometimes. This scares me to my core and makes me feel sick, and this thought sticks to my brain.

so my intruisve thoughts have been more quieter, and not rumiating and do far less compulsions and far less time of doing compulsions. However the false attraction and the thoughts are still there and feel very real and impactful. Like my mind likes to call me gay and it feels very real but i feel zero distress or anxiety and when it calls me gay or something like that, it feels like the truth and ive become ok with it, but i dont want to be gay, according to what im typing. I tried to respond to it as,"this too shall pass," or,"just intrusive thoughts" but it feels like im lying to myself when im saying that now im doubting my own intrusive thoughts. And false attraction still feels real like im numb to it.

Okay.. let me start by saying I’m in a VERY committed relationship of 11 years.. and I’m Absolutely not interested in another person. But at a my job, I sell some rocks that I paint.. and this guy expressed interest in buying a custom item I make and asked if we could get coffee discussing what he wants.. eagerly, I said yes, wanting to sell my art, with it going right over my head that this man is asking me out, so I gave him my number eagerly wanting to sell my art, but as I did, I realized that I shouldn’t be and immediately regretted it.. couple days later he texted me, and I informed him that I’m in a very committed relationship ship and wouldn’t be interested in anything romantic, he said that he wasnt either and is only interested In a friendship… great, I thought… not great.. he’s been texting me relentlessly, and showing up to my job almost everyday, and it’s making me very uncomfortable.. I don’t know what to do. I’m so afraid that I was wrong to my boyfriend, or just scared that im leading this man on, even though I made it clear I wasn’t Interested, or afraid he’s going to attack me in someway.. If I would have just had the freaking balls to say no to giving him my number, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I’m so afraid, I want to change my number and quit my job.. how should I handle this??

I am so embarrassed because I have a substance abuse disorder that no one knows about. This time last year, I was going through a breakup. I started hanging out with new people. They smoked weed. I started smoking. A bowl a night. It was the first time in my life I ever felt real peace, real contentment. I guess it wasn’t ‘real’ but I mean that my mind was bearable and I was happy. I felt more able to engage with people. I started smoking before seeing people or with people every time we hung out. I always wanted to be high. I started smoking before class. My grades suffered. I suffered. My anxiety and depression and self shame grew, it feels now the worst it’s ever been. I want to quit but at the same time I’m terrified of getting through this. I don’t know how. There were several times this semester I got high or drunk at random times a day just to feel a sense of ‘joy’. i also have a vaping addiction. this isn’t who i want to be. but i feel like it’s all that i am im so lonely but i don’t get real with my friends anymore because my thoughts scare me and i don’t trust my thoughts or see them as valid because the reason for my breakup was how much i suffered with sexual orientation OCD. I really thought I was questioning my sexuality. I loved him so much. I was so scared there would be a reason I couldn’t be with him. Growing up, I was religious so I was taught homosexuality was a sin. I was not attracted to girls (and didn’t understand why that would be a sin) Nonetheless. I had a best friend who came out to me as gay and in love with me. I started worrying about it, little thoughts, around this time. At first the diagnosis was encouraging It meant there were explanations for this But now I just don’t feel like I can trust myself at all Because it derailed my life before I just know two years ago/every other version of me would be so sad to see where we are now. I have very little hope for myself.

I always thought I would never go for a big muscular gym guy who is into economics/stocks and have actually rejected a person in the past for having similar interests and not feeling like I clicked. But my bf has those interests and I mostly have gotten over it but sometimes I’m still afraid it makes him a certain type of person even tho he doesn’t fit the stereotype. But like I find his job super boring tbh and I am into art and don’t really care about economics and stocks. I feel like this is more of a normal relationship issue but just wondering if anyone relates with that. I think it’s probably not that big of a deal but sometimes it still gets to me

I have been off my main cuts of help for a little over 1-2 months now and I've gone bonkers in my relationship ocd problems. One is I ran to my partner's house confessing all my thoughts all my little actions about it. They seemed angry but still I knew a part of them understood i didn't cheat. But my brain is in such pain. It just keeps playing scenarios with random people like romantic ones with anyone and just keeps saying "you could have so much fun being single" "you could date anyone" and it makes me feel guilty I don't know what I want anymore I just am so confused. I love my partner. I want to be with him. So why is my brain sending me this? It also just keeps replaying all my old thoughts and everything within it just all my intrusive thoughts from years ago and making me feel bad. I feel like I'm on trial idk what to do. I feel hopeless, it's caused me to feel s**cid** and I don't wanna be a burden on my family and him. Side note, I just got back on Zoloft after going cold turkey for 2 months.

I'm stuck in a cycle of checking and I can't stop. I've checked porn, Google images, listened to gay people talk, gay people with makeup I've looked at everything trying to tell what I am but I can't get a conclusion except anxiety and more confusion I also get groinal movements from checking sexual things but apparently that can happen from anything sexual? Im so confused I can't tell if I'm bisexual in denial or just straight with OCD anymore it's so stressful I spend everynight repeating the same thing which is researching trying to find an answer good enough to stop this suffering I just want a girlfriend and my life back to normal bit I'm scared to get in another relationship due to them having to go through me having these doubts and loss of attraction at times :( I need help I don't want to live this life I want this to all go away and back to how it was

Hi! So I just recently got my OCD diagnosis but I haven’t really seen any of my symptoms listed anywhere online. I’m mainly pure O, but I do have one physical compulsion where I am constantly cracking my knuckles/ other joints. To the point where I cant go over 45 seconds without cracking something without being incredibly uncomfortable unless I’m asleep. It doesn’t help that I have super lax joints so cracking repetitively is just something my body naturally allows. I feel so awkward going on dates/ job interviews/ work meetings/ etc… where I’m around new people because everyone I’m close to in life knows and just accepts the cracking since it’s been going on since at least middle school, but to new people it must seem incredibly rude if not just plain annoying. I also do not have to crack a certain amount of times, but I have to get a “satisfying” crack before I can do anything else. It started interfering with work to certain extents because I could have my report all typed up and then sit there for 5-10 minutes before being able to hit send because I HAD to get the right crack before doing anything else. Or when I have a patient that I’m taking vitals on and pause for a solid 3-4 minutes after putting the blood pressure cuff on them because I can’t continue until I get the right crack. As for the “O” part, I feel like my thoughts don’t fit neatly into a single category of OCD. There will be nights (most of them lately) where I cannot sleep because I’m overthinking things to the point that I become suicidal. Not to the point of acting on it, but where I simply want to give up and not exist. Most of these thoughts seem to be about things from my past that I consider embarrassing. For example, I went on a date with a girl about a year ago now where I word vomited and was so embarrassed about it that I still think about it daily. I have since gone on dates with many other woman and don’t have any attachment to the girl this date was with, but I think back on how awkward I was and the self loathing is fueled for the night. If I hang out with friends or people I’m super comfortable with and I say something stupid, not even thinking about it in the moment, I’ll go home at night and think about it until I’m nauseous and crippled with sadness and regret. I’ve been having panic attacks a lot lately because I can’t seem to quiet the thoughts and I just get so worked up. Night time is definitely the worst for me as its typically when I have the downtime to sit with my thoughts as opposed to during the day when I’m working or out with friends my mind has other things on it. I also go through really bad obsessions, different from thoughts that keep me awake at night but just things that I become utterly obsessed with for weeks on end (if not more). For example, I was watching the show Supergirl a couple months ago and got so incredibly obsessed with it that once I finished, I had a huge depressive episode and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed for over a week. And the obsession continued for weeks after. This sounds more like ADHD to me but I thought I’d throw it in here as a symptom as well since I’m still super new to the diagnosis and am not 100% what is what. Lastly, I have a weird thing that’s been going on for years now where I’m deathly afraid of intimacy. I’ve had long term relationships, and along with them sexual relationships, but overall I am so uncomfortable with anyone perceiving me that the past couple months I have not been able to even put myself out there because I’m so scared of being judged. I dated a guy for 4 years and maybe made out with him 2-3 times the entire relationship because I was scared of kissing because I felt like I wasn’t experienced enough with it and was always overthinking everything that I just never pushed through and got myself comfortable. Its been 3 years now since that relationship ended and I’m still scared of kissing someone or touching them in case I am doing something wrong. I don’t mind being kissed or touched as much as I mind starting the act myself. I’m just so self conscious about anything that has to do with my body that I feel like I cant function as a normal human. I also have an issue where I can’t eat in front of anyone other than a few close friends or family. I feel like I gave myself an eating disorder because I don’t want to be seen doing anything with my body that I don’t have to, and it’s made some normal life tasks incredibly uncomfortable. I’ve been really depressed lately and have been having a hard time managing my health, work, and school all together. I’m not sure if this is due to the OCD or just depression on its own, but that’s another worth mentioning I guess. A lot of these symptoms I assumed were maybe autism for a long time, and I thought maybe the finger cracking was tourette’s at first, but I was given an OCD diagnosis and am curious if anyone else has anything similar going on with them because I really cant seem to find anything relatable online. Part of me feels like I may have been incorrectly diagnosed, so I would love to hear from others!

Do you find it easier to get sucked into SOOCD when you’re sick or alone? I’ve been sick for the past 6 days and home alone and I swear I feel like im in denial. However, when my friend and her bf came last night to visit, I felt a little better… when they left and I was alone with my bf the thoughts came back… I just can’t shake the feeling that tells me that i’m gonna be unhappy forever if I dont “face the truth”.

So I really thought that I had beat rocd. I was getting to almost a year where my intrusive thoughts weren’t in the way. Even had amazing positive thoughts of my future with my partner. There was times I thought I wouldn’t deal with rocd anymore because of how good I felt. I felt “normal”. As time went by I was numb though. I assumed it was Zoloft that made me that way but now that Iv been off it that numb feeling hasn’t gone away and it’s really messing with me. Makes me have intrusive thoughts that it’s because I’m not into my partner anymore but when I sit a have a moment of clarity I’m pretty much numb towards everything. Horror movies don’t phase me, videos of abandoned puppies etc. I’m not looking for reassurance but does anyone else experience this? I don’t wanna go down that hole again and could use some advice. Also, if anyone who’s been married and had kids while dealing rocd can share their story with me I’d love to hear it:)

This is not ocd related. But does anyone feel that they’re so used to being in toxic relationships instead of someone who actually loves you. I feel like in a way that’s why it feels numb and weird to be with someone who actually tries. It’s kinda like i associate pain with love if that makes sense In no way am i supporting anyone being in a toxic relationship just fyi lol

I'm worried that I, purposefully or not idk, used my bad mental health to make my friend have a bad night and worry about me because I feel like they don't care about me anymore. I feel awful. I hate myself.

I just mostly wanted to get this off my chest, I guess maybe some advice if anyone has any. I’ve noticed lately that my husband has been really distance lately. He doesn’t talk to much like today he has only said a couple of words to me and it meant very little. He less affectionate and doesn’t seem to care. I also notice every little detail about him. I know this is part of my OCD, finding little things that big become huge in my mind. But I’m having a hard time distinguishing if I’m really seeing something wrong or if I’m just making things bigger then they need to be like. I’m he has already lost interest in me during our short time of marriage. For context we’ve been together for 3 years and married for 6 months. I just been so sad about it lately, and when I asked him he says nothing wrong but I just don’t believe him.

At this point I don't care if I'm reassurance seeking. I don't know what else I'm meant to do. I know this next bit is practically another confession but I'm all out of other ideas. In advance I'm genuinely sorry and I hate this. So I'm pretty sure I romanticise like adhd and maybe autistic traits. I'm sickened by myself. I read, and I was reading and this character, while not said to have adhd, in my opinion had the traits that I associate with it. And I feel like I like those traits. Do I find them cute? Interesting? I literally don't know. Only thing I know is that I'm disgusted with myself. I also remember feeling "something", whether that be a groinal response from worrying about being attracted to these traits, or actually being attracted to these traits, I have no idea, it's 50/50. But I'm pretty sure that it's the latter. I feel disgusting all over. I'm going to have a shower because I was going to anyway, but this won't even make me clean again, I know it won't. I just want to apologise, that's all. I don't know why I'm like this. I don't like it. I wish I was different. I wish I could go back to being young when the only thing on my mind was what I was going to have for tea. I knew no wrong. Now look at me. I am the wrong. Also I can't tell people about my worries because all they'll say is that it's intrusive thoughts and ocd. Like, okay, sure, maybe I worry more than the average person, but these are real genuine worries and I hate them. Maybe I'm putting this on the wrong place but I have nowhere else. I'm sorry. I'm just sorry. Words can't describe how badly I'm sorry. I think of what people with adhd would think of me. I'm disgusting. Maybe I'm just feeling overly sorry for myself to make myself seem like less of a disgusting monster, but I genuinely am sorry. I don't want any of this. I just want to be a good person.

me and my boyfriend have had periods where we fight a lot recently. Ever since then, a lot of people, strangers, coworkers, classmates, anytime, I am around them, I find them attractive, or find qualities about them that are attractive. I feel like maybe this happens because I am lacking something that my boyfriend is not giving me. I just don’t know what, I’m really sad because I really do love my boyfriend and I don’t want anyone else, but these thoughts are really hard to deal with. I also have coworkers that are males that I speak to at work, and I always get intrusive thoughts while I’m talking to them or after. I’m really scared. This means I’m a cheater, or about to cheat. A lot of things have happened to me and my boyfriend’s relationship, not cheating at all but you know there’s way more than that that can happen. I feel like a lot of things have happened that we need to discuss and it’s been weighing on me and causing these thoughts. I feel like maybe I have these thoughts about other people, but my OCD makes it more than what it is and gives me anxiety. Help :(

I've been having a really hard time fighting HOCD for 5 months know. It got worse and worse, and it ruins my new relationship as well. I had thouhths like what if I'm gay for a few years know, but I always liked girls, I had a girlfriend, had a lot of girls in partyies as well, and I never had any sexual attraction towards men so I could get over these thouhths, but HOCD got really worse in the last 5 months due to some big stress in my life. It is so bad, it makes me question everything, my basic values. I love this girl, she is the love of my life, but I started questioning first weather I like her enough, and then the what if I'm gay question came. I strugge with false attraction, and it is so bad. Deep down I always know I like girls, but HOCD makes me question everything, I get a lot of mixed feelings, sensations and urges as well. I love this girl, I know I want to be with her, but my OCD tells me every type of shit,like: you don't love your girlfriend, you want to be with men, you like men and so on, but I always have so much anxiety concerning everything with my life since OCD and I could not think to the future positively. Not to mention my sex drive lowered, I have ED before going into the sex part, and I have anxiety concerning the whole topic as well, and I always question everything, whether I like it or not. I do ERP for a few weeks now, OCD got better for 2 weeks but it got stronger know then before. I try to do ERP all day, but sometimes my OCD is stronger. Could you please tell your stories or share some similarities to know I'm not alone. Thanks.