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Im so fucking terrified by my own thoughts. Idk how much longer I can go on like this. Just every single thing my brain produces feels either distorted by OCD or like I've literally done the most deplorable thing any person could do. Can't reach out to a specialist because I don't have the money and too scared too share. So scared that it's real

Idk if this happened to anyone but I have a lot of self doubt and memory problems.idk if they are false memories or not. When someone ,a relative , or even going to church in a deliverance service ask questions like "have you don't something in the past that you feel guilty about in the past?" "do feel like you admitting to stuff would make you feel a certain way ? I feel like it triggers me does that means that the thoughts I have are real and I did do something if I feel triggered. I always feel guilty 😔

Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.

i need some advice!! when i was 16, i was watching an anime and this character had abs and he was 12. i remember at the time (from what i can remember), i made a weird comment on his physique. saying things like “omg how did he become this buff haha.” and “oh im going to jail.” i even said “it’s only a 4 year difference.” like WHAT?!? just because it’s a 4 year difference, doesn’t make it okay. its WEIRD!! why would i say that? i also want to mention that i have a hard time keeping my thoughts to myself bc of my ADHD, so i tend to blurt things out. i just find it disturbing that i would have such thoughts, let alone say it out loud. i never had attraction to kids bc its immorally wrong and disgusting, but i feel no different from the ppl who would hurt children irl. I’ve tried forgive myself multiple times, but what i did is irredeemable. i feel like i am using my OCD as an excuse. i am so scared that i am a p, i want to d1e. my life is ruined.

(TW- Please don’t read if you have ocd relating to one off/random medical events) ^ ^ ^ ^ okay so this is something I’ve been confused about for YEARS and completely sped up my ocd symptoms, I had a one off seizure a few years ago, it wasn’t a major one but enough to have family take me to the hospital afterwards, I don’t remember anything whilst it was happening and I was unwell at the time too. I did all the tests and nothing came back, even tested for epilepsy but I don’t have that. No one has been able to give me a reason and that set off my ocd since mine is mostly based around things I cant see hurting me or others (contamination ocd) or me making the wrong decision (rOCD, real event etc etc) (no clue I had ocd at this point though, only got diagnosed last year) I know they can be stressed induced too but I remember not feeling that stressed that night and not much was going on… Is there anyone that’s experienced the same thing?? Could it be OCD related at all?

hi im experiencing a lot of anxiety and guilt right now. im 16 now but in the past i said many offensive bad things, slurs and racist jokes with my friends. it was disgusting and im not proud of this. I'd never say those stuff to an actual black people to idk make fun or shame them because im not actually racist, i could never hate another person just because their skin colour is different. but i did say disgusting stuff as "a joke" and i feel very guilty about this. I don't think i was always a bad person but for around two years i was just acting mean and pretty shitty. i wish i could turn back time, but that's not possible. i was talking about stuff I didn't have a clue about, i said n word just because "its just a word, it's not that deep!". but now i know it's really more than that. yet I can't move on. i keep thinking about it so much i want to throw up. I can't look in the mirror now i don't know what to do. lately im trying to become a better person, be nice to people close to me and just to finally feel good. but i feel like I don't deserve to change and i create scenarios that people will bring up my past when ill finally be a better person.

I know I was here earlier on with a question as well lol but has anyone ever found that when a new false memory takes its place at the forefront of your mind, it's almost easier to disregard the old false memories and say "Yeah that stuff didn't actually happen that way". It feels like OCD giving you a little reward for letting it place a new, shinier false memory in your head. Anyone experience the same thing? Maybe I've asked a similar question before.

I keep getting triggered by news stories related to my obsessive thoughts. I was feeling ok for a few days but now I'm spiralling again because of the news.

tw// 18+ please help Mention of self intimacy ok so during self intimacy time, there’s this memory of when I was intimate with a friend of mine. I get off / fantasize about it but what makes me feel weird is it happened when me and the other person was a child. i obviously do not try to picture children and sometimes there’s no faces or it’s the face of how the person looks now. but then it makes me feel weird since the memory we were both children at the time. and then sometimes images of how they look as a child come in my head and my brain is like “do you like that or are u attracted to that” but i end up just like cringing or shaking my head and continue thinking about it how i originally was. idk if it’s wrong to fantasize about that since we were both children. ive fantasized about this memory multiple times without issue but it seems to be an issue now.

I used to write everything that happened with me on daily basis. It can be any type of information like about my conversation with friends or family or what I eat, what someone did to me, bad experiences but I was doing It excessively. I used to write everything to conserve every type of memory which doesn't Even important for me. Like I couldn't resist my self to write about all bus journeys or all restaurants that I have been. But about 2 months ago I destroyed my notes and my anxiety skyrocketed for 1 week. I couldn't even move from my bed due to thoughts that came in my mind. But after talking with my friends my anxiety decreased for somedays but again many thoughts around this revolved in my head. Like will I remember what I'm doing in college life in future, will I remember my memories with my parents or grandmother or will I remember about all my experiences that I have experienced from childhood like my trips etc. I know that it doesn't sound that serious but it is affecting me very severely. I am not able to enjoy my life due to these thoughts and most of the time I feel sad and depressed. Can anyone help me about this?

Tw Ocd has always manifested itself in different forms in my life. The fact that this memory came to me literally destroyed 4 months of my life with constant doubt, fear, guilt, the desire to commit suicide. Living with this fear for 4. Months wondering if I really did it? If it really happened and I really SA’d this person or it really happened and the ocd is trying to make me look like the wrong person? The fact that the old things I did when I was little are coming back makes me even more scared. Sometimes, I tell myself, what if I really didn't have the ocd and I'd just really done it? I talk about this event as if I'd really done it when, I don't even know if it's true or not and that scares me even more because I tell myself that if I talk about it as if I'd really done it, well maybe I really did it? I live with this enormous fear of having done it and of being seen everywhere as someone who has committed a cocsa . My ocd deteriorates at night with suicidal crises. I don't have anyone to talk to because I'm afraid people will think I'm weird or judge me. I'm always afraid of tomorrow, I go to bed with a heavy heart and I wake up with a heavy heart and the fear that I've done it, I'm afraid of waking up one day and finding out that I've really done it, like why can't I trust my brain? Why can't I remember? And even though I know I didn't do it or I'm certain of it (I prayed for it and I received a wave of peace), I'll always have this doubt in my head and it will come back even worse . Every time I hear the words rape, assault, violence, I feel so bad and I feel targeted, if it's triggering me and I feel bad and I wonder if it has anything to do with my memory or if it means that I really did it. I'm French and I don't know if the psychiatrists here know this subtype. I'm afraid that my psychiatrist won't know and will judge me.

Very brief mentions of pocd and nsfw jokes,id like this to be adults only . Repost bc i had to edit something Does anyone have experience with real event ocd attached to your online footprint etc? I keep checking old messages,trying to find old people i knew i used to talk to etc. To find out every problematic thing I did and if I've ever been unfollowed or blocked by anyone I used to be friends w online/atleast on good terms w. I am particularly concerned abt doing something bigoted,esp racist bc i have racism ocd,and doing something predatory bc of my pocd. I remember hanging around people who could use 'edgy' or offensive humour in my teens and i remember a lot of sex jokes and that i would join in on sex jokes sometimes . i dont remember details w the offensive humour as much,i feel like i didnt join in on it as much but i was definitely WAY passive abt things and prob let a lot of bad stuff slide i shouldnt have bc i didn't speak up it was wrong,I remember one friend in an online community would say slurs and horrible jokes when i was 16. I dont remember my response to it as much but i feel i didnt speak up abt it aside one time i found in the dms where he made a bad joke on a thing i shared for social justice. I cant stop going thru old messages and stuff or trying to find ppl from the past. I feel like if I don't check it now,that eventually it'll come to haunt me or that I'll stumble across it eventually. I worry what if someone messaged me on one of these apps I un-installed or on one of the accounts I don't have access to,confronting me abt all this stuff I did. I had an obsession w this back in 2020 and did check in depth on all my accounts,but now that it's been 4 years the obsession is back in full swing.

TW My brother came home 4 days ago (I think) from a hospital stay of just over 3 months. In the hospital, he attacked one of the staff and almost k*lled her, in his dysphoric mania. Now he's out of mania, but I'm scared that he'll harm or try to k*ll our pets and/or my mom and dad. Since he's been home, my OCD has flared up badly, and I've started to have panic attacks (leading to seizures and fainting), destroying my lips, and having overstimulation over every little physical sensation. My joint pain is becoming unbearable and the medications aren't working, I may have an autoimmune disorder that could destroy my organs (Lupus), I'm frustrated because walking feels like hell, I keep falling, I keep getting dizzy and seeing stars and I'm just so tired. I can't sleep since my brother came home. Yes, I close my door at night, but I'm still terrified that he will hurt my cat. I've started to hate anything that I've touched with my hands cuz I don't wanna get stuff on my face and I hate the feeling. Yesterday I kept obsessing over whether or not I was cheating, if any of my memories are real, obsessing over if everything is perfect or perfectly in place, and over everything my brother does. I've become paranoid over everything and I'm so tired. Thank you for listening.

hello everyone. my ocd targets a lot of things, including trauma. i just have ocd specialized therapist not talk therapist so i don’t really get to unpack much. I went through a lot of trauma and also seggsual trauma. if anyone is okay to hear what i have to say and give me advice that would be nice :( thank you

I know I seek reassurance.But I really dont know what to do right now.I keep thinking about how I didnt help someone who was in a terrible situation a long time ago.They were a kid :( .Since then I keep thinking about what happened and how I didnt help.And I started to have intrusive thoughts ..about what happened..and other terrible themes.And I am really scared.I realised I keep thinking because I cant belive how difficult it was for them and how I could have helped and I didnt.I talked to a psychologist and they told me I didnt know how to deal with such a situation but I still blame myself.Sometimes I feel like they need help now, l but it was years ago.I stopped ruminating because it wont help anyone but I still have intrusive thoughts.I want to help now but I dont know if I can .I want to aplogise and make sure they are ok but I dont want to makw them remember.And I dont want to do that just because of guilt..I want to actually help.I feel like I did an unforgivable mistake..+ the terrible thoughts I have .Idk if I can ever share them with someone..ever..I feel like I am a dangerous person because I didnt help+ because of my intrusive thoughts.I really doubt myself..and feel like I shouldnt be trusted.Thank you if you have read all of this

Cranial osteopathy was one I tried, that worked alongside a specific meditation that I will not share for safety reasons. That brought up memories of events that were the birth of some of my compulsions, fears and behaviours. It mainly targeted the traumas in my life in which my ocd is comorbid. Next on my list to try is reiki, to see if that has any effect in calming me down or grounding me. I'll respond with results next week. 3rd is hypnotherapy which I'm excited to start as it's something I wish to go into. I want to experience it first hand before I consider investing in an education on it. 4th is neurofeedback therapy which looks really promising with all the stuff I've seen. I think there may be a real good combination of things in which we can rewire our brain and body. I feel so excited about this, that I don't know where to start 😅🤯

Just sorta to vent and maybe get advice… I normally struggle with OCD and other MH/ medical issues.. I’ve sorta become acclimated to the stress, pain, mind games, and constant perfectionism. I thought I had it under control but this OCD has just been creeping back in small ways over time. I’ve caught myself doing behaviors and not feeling able to stop it. (This is combo of OCD but not sure how to categorize it all) - compulsively counting body movements til it’s the right number and feeling - adjusting papers/rewritten notes numerous times - irrational thoughts of my new pup being dead when I check on her - irrational thoughts that I don’t love my partner or he doesn’t love me after almost 10 years - every plate, cup, utensil has to be properly inspected before being able to use it - food can not have day of expiration (or even close to it) or a weird look or smell = it is inedible - recent close call accident led to dread driving and constant thoughts of a crash even though I did what I could and didn’t crash The list just keeps going.. but it has simply been a struggle that has lead me to feeling self conscious, unprofessional, childish, ashamed, and crazy. It’s a hard thing to accept that this has begun to return after finding ways to cope and manage in the past. I am struggling with finding ways to cope with it all cuz it is constantly disturbing my relationship, work, and personal well being Well that’s my truth for the day

I’m not too sure where to begin so some stuff may be a bit scattered. I’d like to start with the fact that I’m not sure if I just have anxiety or if it is actually OCD. I’ve been dealing with these intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember. TRIGGER WARNING NEXT PARAGRAPH Stuff like “what if my teacher just raped me in the middle of class” or “what if I pulled all my veins at.” Those are some of the more graphic and violent things but I do get lesser things like “what if I imagined that whole conversation” when I know for a fact I did experience that exact memory/conversation. I don’t like these thoughts and I don’t ever want to think them. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. I’m only 16 and I want to be sure about this stuff before I ask my parents to get me diagnosed.

17f Just like the title says. I came to realization that I lost a whole year of life. I remembered my real event in the end of january of 2024. Since then my life has been a living hell. Also kinda made a couple new smaller events through this year. And I know I deserve it cause my event was actually bad. Even people without ocd on reddit agree it was bad. It's still ocd, but I deserve it probably. For this whole year I haven't had a day when I wouldn't think of it. It became my default state to constantly have it on my mind. I walked around, pretended to have fun, talked to people. Most of the time I wasn't really there, I was thinking about my event. My event haunts me when I'm awake, when I'm asleep. I spend this whole year either freaking out, being depressed, thinking on methods to off myself, ruminating, seeking reassurance or trying to distract myself with books, TV shows, social media or daydreaming. Literally barely engaged with reality. So it's so hard to believe a whole year passed... I can barely remember anything that happened during this year. I can't believe this is my life. Probably doesn't really matter cause I don't plan on staying there that long. There is no way I'm going to experience piece with myself. So I will be out in a year or so, since my plan requires some time. Finally will end it all. It just feels very weird. A whole year passed. I was so deep down in my head I didn't even notice. It's scary.

Is it common for children with OCD to have intense fears of certain things? For example, I was extremely afraid of tsunamis – I was constantly dreaming about them. Then, I became afraid of ghosts, robbers, war, the possibility that someone close to me might get sick or die, that I might develop a tumor, that our house could catch fire, or that I would grow up to be a drug addict. I even thought about getting a tongue piercing when I was older and was scared of doing that without having control, which now seems kind of funny. There were periods when I had different fears, but I always needed to ask my parents if these things would happen, and they would always reassure me. Although I don’t remember everything clearly, I know that throughout my childhood, I constantly had such fears. I remember ehen something was wrong with me (for example: i had headache) I immediately thought of the worst case scenario and I was extremely anxious. And another thing is that I couldn’t let go of a past as a child (still actually) Now I’m wondering, is this something every child experiences (even those without OCD), or is it more intense for children with OCD?