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One minute I’m crying over the thoughts the next minute I’m “enjoying” the thoughts

I've been posting and commenting often, and I've developed this weird fear? Like, what if one of my posts or something I've said has made someone uncomfortable, or maybe they didn't agree, and they blocked me or just disliked me in general? It's so silly because this is a place where you should be comfortable to share anything, and there's always going to be people in life who have different opinions than you or maybe even dislike you. I know that, but I'd just hate to make someone upset or uncomfortable. I don't think I have, but... it's just been this reoccurring thought of mine. I'm also afraid of accidentally offering reassurance. I'm sure I have at some point... It began after I made a vulnerable post on here, and I felt self-conscious about it the next day. It's just been nagging me ever since. Has anyone else felt this way after posting or commenting? Just wondering, thank you! 🤍

I’ve been ignoring the googling urges I get. They’re the strongest urges I feel. I’ve been distracting myself and going on about my life without considering them or ruminating. All for what? I had to go into a public bathroom to have a panic attack that had been building all day. I’m so sleep deprived, so tired. My sisters say I resemble sadness from Inside Out. I believe them. I feel so drained.

So i play in a band, and we were having practice, and my girlfriend was there listening to us, then this girl around our age walks in, and my head tells me to cheat on my girlfriend with her. I know i would never do such a thing. And it bothered me for days. And i ended up telling my girlfriend, and tried to explain my ocd. It hurt her and she believes that the instrusive thoughts, are my thoughts so in that, i must feel something behind them. And she feels hurt because i explained to her the obsessive part of ocd and how this thought wouldnt leave my head. And she got upset knowing that i was constantly thinking about cheating on her. I cant help but feel its all my fault. And now that she doesnt understand i feel really guilty for my thoughts and they are coming more often and worse. When i was fine for months, but my ocd always acts up right as i get in relationships, then i usually tell my spouse and tell them i cant feel guilt for my thoughts or they will get worse. And they usually just accepted it and it was easy. But with her it seems she just cant seem to understand, ive tried to explain it to her countless times, she isnt willing to do research with me to help better understand it or anything. Maybe for my first ocd issue telling her that wasnt the best idea.

TW currently I’m very in between my life continuing or not. I am a monster I am. I have become the monster that did harm to me as a child. Here’s the story. I was picking up my nephew and rocking him back and forth when I noticed I got a groinal response and felt so disgusted by it. I continued so I could put him to bed and the response continued so I stopped because it’s just so disgusting that my body would respond to that. My brain is trying to tell me no you liked that , you kept going there’s more and you’ve become who you feared. I know nothing more happened, I know I let him go because that’s just simply disgusting.I love him to the moon and back and would never implement such hurt but now I feel like the damage is done. He didn’t cry or anything because I was doing it, he only cried because he was fighting the sleep but he was already tired. Still , I stopped doing it and used another method to help him sleep. Anyway now I just want to end it all because of that. I don’t deserve to have a loving family or my life.

I feel so freaking scared. I know I’ll have an intrusive thought/urge and whatever I know I’m going to fight off another compulsion until I eventually give in bc I’m still so new to this. I am petrified and I feel like I cannot for the life of me relax. I’m sleep deprived, in a terrible place hormonally, withdrawing from meds, and being treated like a burden by people around me. I literally feel like I can’t do this. I keep thinking about those posts where people talk about the hypothetical scenarios where you learn your death date. I feel like if someone told me I’d die soon, I would cry of relief. I would never hurt myself but boy do I not want to experience this anymore.

my bf knows abt my googling and talking with chat bgt but does not know about this app, he is at my house and now im alone bc he is at the bathroom and he told me to not google and things but im confused idk what i feel i want to feel good and happy, i was good amd happy today, but now i have a lot of thoughts, my libido is low and i found it hard to kiss and do sexual things. Im scared i will br like this forever amd that i will never want to have sex (i am a virgin) , i will be 18 soon and i hate that i am like this. Im so scared i will never want to do this. i want to, but i always feel strange and my thoughts attack me making me feel so bad. i hate myself for posting here bc it is a compulsion and i feel like a liar, he loves me so much :(

I can’t stop feeling really down and sad I can’t take it anymore idk who I am anymore I’ve feel like I’m losing myself and morals I can’t self pleasure anymore because I fear that I will act on my intrusive thoughts because recently I’ve been dealing with these new situation where I would get a thought in my mind and in the moment it feels as if like I’m enjoying the thought or I’m still flashing myself because of the thought and then immediately I panic and I stop and I start crying because I’m worried that I did something really bad and I’ve never had a problem with the situation ever like this is the first time I hate having POC D because I am stuck here constantly questioning myself. Why would I do this? If I know it goes against my morals and values just doesn’t make sense to me and people say that I didn’t do anything wrong because of the guilt that I’m feeling in sadness but I think to myself like you would think that but I may just be feeling this way because maybe I’m just realising that what I did was just wrong I don’t know to be honest because I’ve always known that my intrusive thoughts were bad and I always promise myself I would never act on such a thing but I genuinely feel like horrible person and I keep asking myself like why didn’t I stop or why didn’t I try to push it away but like I really don’t know like the feeling panic and anxiety hits after work like immediately start to panic and I’m just like oh my goodness what just happened? This is the first time I’ve ever felt this way. I’ve never purposely thought of anything bad. It’s always in the context of intrusive thoughts so now I’m sitting here like thinking I’ve acted on my intrusive thoughts :/

Hello I want to share my story with you because I sometimes feel so alone with my problems. I need hope that I can really do it. My father simply fled to his country of origin when I was 4 years old. At first I thought I would never see him again because we didn't know where he was, then we learned through a lawyer that he had run away - then the contact came back after 1 year, we visited him and it broke my heart every time to never see him again for another year. I idealized him so incredibly, even though he was never really there. My mother never demonized him, never put him down. My trauma was born that I was separated from my father several times. Today, I am 30 years old and I can no longer idealize it and I realize everything I have repressed, oppressed and killed during all these years. I started watching pornography very early at the age of teenagers aged 10 to 13, including things I'm not proud of today. then becoming sexually active myself. I had a very painful separation as a teenager with my ex. I've had super beautiful girlfriends, always. I knew I was attractive. From 13 (first time) to 28, I had more than 100 partners and tried many things. I lived in drunkenness. But what I never was was this macho - I was very early on aware of the value of a woman and that I wanted to treat everyone well and stay fair. But I never noticed that I had developed an OCD very early. To my OCD story: At the age of 18, I had the impression for the first time that something was wrong with me. There is no joy, something looks like a metal gavage. Then I took SSRI antidepressants and quickly improved. I take them until today :-( For probably 10 years, I was afraid of HIV. Extreme fear. I had to do 100 tests and I kept questioning them. I didn't know all this time that I could have an OCD. Three years ago, I met my girlfriend. I thought to myself: this time, you do everything better. Stay faithful, stay honest and so on. Then this obsessive admition came to me. I should wash myself of all my sins - suddenly, I told everything. Then came the guilty conscience (about violent sex chats, porn addiction, inappropriate porn when I was myself a teenager) and what others might think of me now. Then I saw a video about a guy who got exposed on the Internet because he had done something inappropriate. Terrible, I find it was horrible for the victims. Then OCD came and said that someone could say the same thing about me. And it duged up all my past. All porn in adolescence, everything. Again, I had to relieve myself in one way or another. I regained everyone's reassurance. Everyone must have told me that it was okay when I was 10-13 years old and watched porn that was not correct. Oh my God, I couldn't anymore. Then another memory kicked in my brain: When I lived for the first time alone, I was researching if it still exists limewire and the shit I tipped in when I was younger. This drove me crazy too, why did I do that?!?!? Now, OCD has taken on a new dimension and now checks on absolutely EVERYTHING if it excites me sexually or not. It suddenly automatically connects sex and children. It's terrible. I have never felt this level of fear before. We really think that I have been kidnapped by evil and that my brain is broken. I had never questioned my sexuality. Sex has always been so pleasant for me (certainly also anesthesia) and now everything is so confusing. I developed such a fear of sex with my girlfriend that inappropriate images would shoot me in the head. I hate OCD so much. Even worse, to distract myself and get rid of my feelings, I only know one strategy that has always helped me: more pornography, sex chats, more women and more transsexuals. So I say to myself: man, I want to be a great and good friend. In fact, I want to have a family with my girlfriend. It really drove me crazy. I didn't know what to do and sometimes I wanted to give up and die for the first time in my life. Because this flow of thoughts was unbearable. My big theory is that I'm obviously incredibly afraid of commitment. Because of my Major trauma of the PTSD. And OCD is just one of the many things that do not want to "make me feel", because it means a great danger. Goddammit, sometimes I say to myself that I have to live again single, and maybe have fear from HIV. I am not sure about my past, but I felt never so bad. Does anyone know of similar things? Can anyone understand my story or experience something similar? I want to be strong, I want to get there. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to believe. I don't understand how my brain has so much self-hatred. I want to finally live, free and in peace with myself. In love

I am in a big group server with my partner. There is another person there who i had a small crush on. I have NEVER interacted with this person in a private or secretive way. We are NOT friends, the most we’ve ever interacted was through group discussions online. We do not have any sort of intimate or close friendship at all. My partner knows about these interactions and has access to every single message in that server. A few weeks ago, this person was talking about how nobody would date anyone with a certain trait that he has. I should note that this person is kind of a big meme in the server and no one takes him seriously. A while later we were having a group discussion about something and I mentioned something about my ex and this trait was brought up (my ex had the same trait as this person). This person commented on this and said he was surprised that I would date someone with that trait and that he was surprised I wasn’t hypocritically telling him he could find someone despite this trait while being unwilling to date people of that trait myself. I said that I was surprised that he thought people wouldn’t date anyone with that trait because I “know plenty of girls who either have done so or explicitly prefer it.” I then began talking about my CURRENT partner and how he was great and how I am very lucky to have him and that my relationship with my ex was toxic (unrelated to his trait). I should note that my partner is part of this server and he knows about this interaction and was fine with it. I TOLD him right away when the interaction happened. When this interaction happened, I remembered feeling really amused because like I said before, this person is kind of known for very outlandish/ridiculous reactions and opinions. I do remember saying this WITH THE INTENTION to get him to react in some way because I knew it would be amusing and I remember sending it to my friend. I want to clarify that my intention was NEVER to flirt with him, imply attraction to him, or make him think he “had a chance” or anything like that. I just knew it would be a funny reaction. I am bothered by the fact that I did this with the intention to elicit a response that amused/excited me. My partner knows of these interactions AND of my attraction to this person but I feel that the fact that he doesn’t know that I was doing them with an intent to get this person’s attention makes it cheating. Even though i always made it very clear i was dating my partner and I NEVER EVER EVER attempted a single romantic or sexual interaction with this person at all. I feel like the fact that I said something with the hope that he would react is cheating. I don’t know what to do. Do I confess? He knows the interaction happened, and he also knows of my small crush on this person, but he doesn’t know that I did the interaction in an attempt to get a reaction from this person.

I feel everything from guilt to fear to anger. OCD is driving me crazy, making me think I want to do this things. It’s like a part of me is scared because I know I don’t want to but then it makes me think I do and that I want this stuff to happen. It’s like I feel hopeless in a way. I know it’s stupid because I’ve dealt with it before so that’s suppressing some of the fear and anxiety I’ve dealt with but because I’m not feeling those emotions full ball my brain is like “oop well obviously you want this”. Going through a full on spiral. It’s like there’s this huge fucking thing on my chest. I can’t even focus on the most basic of conversations because these thoughts are in my head 24/7. It’s like I know it’s OCD but it just keeps me questioning. I know it’s part of the recovery process to feel less and less shameful etc but my brain keeps turning that part on me. I’m just trying to live and get through this. Sometimes just wish I could turn it all off.

It feels like I used to get so many intrusive thoughts in the beginning but now it’s less it’s only thoughts like what if I’m a p what if I’m a p what if I’m lying to myself what if I’m in dentist truly in all this and it was all fake like I’m an imposter, now it’s just feelings and noticing :/ and I hate he feelings that come with it I’m really scared I am one I feel so alone :( I’m taking therapy but my therapist is not specialized in ocd and I don’t think she understands and I don’t want to bring it up bc I brought up a fear that what if I turn into my stepdad and she said “are you attracted to children?” And I said no but it was just an irrational thought that came after I started realizing the trauma that happened to me as a kid, and idk I’m scared to Start with a therapists here bc what if all this just makes it worse and it turns out I am what I fear all along.? :(

Hey everyone, I’ve had this app and responded to some people before but never posted I don’t think. My name is Matt and I’ve been diagnosed since October but have been struggling since I was 11. Now struggling is not choice words for ocd especially since I’ve gone long periods without having intrusive thoughts or unrelenting compulsions. But I’ve had bouts of it since then, I had a worry once that I was showing symptoms of ALS, and this came after the bout where I thought I must’ve contracted rabies. But my OCD themes had remained similar recently. I’ve gotten so much better but the start of January I fell into a trap and got stuck for a couple days, I’m now back to normal, but my fear is going back again. It almost feels like relapsing, there is this woman I love so much that I haven’t had the opportunity to tell but I feel that my ocd will get in the way of any positive relationship we’d have which would be devastating. I want to tell her but I’m worried what happens when I get like this again? I’d hate to have her worry about me. And I hate to be alone but I’m also not wanting to cause any harm to her for not being able to be in a relationship. I’m feeling alright now but I don’t know what the future holds. I got to ask John Green advice he has for OCD, he said “firstly im not a medical professional I’d recommend seeing one” “and secondly remember ocd tries to take things away from you and take your joy away, make sure to remind yourself that things are good, and doctor pepper is good.” Idk if that would help anyone here I just thought about adding it TL:DR feeling good, worried Ill stop, In love with a girl, afraid of upsetting her, Doctor pepper is good Thanks guys

i actually think i’m gonna throw up i searched this just before to see if anyone on here has said similar and they’re all about being lesbians and that’s making me spiral as that’s one of my themes and i know im not one. what i searched was about never having orgasmed i’m 19 now and have been on antipsychotics since 15 but even before then i’d never felt horny or aroused even when trying anything to myself down there i got with my boyfriend at 16 and have been with him ever since and despite him trying i can never orgasm i still don’t feel a thing when i try on my own and sex feels good i guess but like pressure like pain that feels good and i know it’s meant to feel like more when he tries to like rub my c it just hurts it doesn’t feel nice and i feel so embarrassed and ashamed and i hate it so so so much that im like this is there a medical reason for this? i want to blame the antipsychotics so bad but i know before them at 15 and below i never felt anything either and this is making my sexual orientation ocd spiral and saying that subconsciously im a lesbian even though i know im not and my ocd is just trying to latch onto anything this is making me feel so suicidal atm idk what to do

Lately my OCD has been very horrible, it’s been more convincing than ever to the point where I’m genuinely convinced that I like this stuff, when I get a thought, I’ll hear my intrusive thoughts go “oooh, I like that, I’d do that.” and I just don’t freak out nor feel bad, I just feel like I like it even more, and feel like I would do/act on it and like it, and the feeling is strong and it lingers forever? It genuinely feels like I do, and I’m just lying now, i can’t tell if I make these thoughts worse or anything All I remember mostly just being like confused sometimes when these thoughts happen, but since I’m getting strong emotions that I like it, my brain says that means I did and I’m worried about that being true because I don’t understand nor know It’s like I am resisting to like this stuff now, it’s even tougher now than it was before

in actually scared i dont care about my partner as im supposed to and that i dont like him, i have dificulties with sexual stuff, and im scared i dont like him and that i am lying to myself, im scared. He is a very nice and caring and beautiful man, i love him (or i think i dont lnow) he dosent deserve this , i talked to him about this he knows about my thoughts, some days ago he calmed me down and used some logoc on me and i was good and now im questioning everything i feel bad for posting here i feel like im lying to him and im scared my thoughts are real

there was a post on here and they were talking abt that they’ve done creepy things and it’s really worried me. i’m scared that i could’ve done something similar and completely forgotten about it. i don’t think i have though because i know me and i know i would never ever in a million years expose children to such stuff or even pose a risk of danger to them but it’s really worried me now. i’m worried that im one of those people who doesn’t want to be labelled as one of those people. im so worried please reply. i blocked them now but its still scared me because now i dont know anymore

I’m not sure if anyone has felt this before. I was on a spree of confessing, to my partner of things that are irrelevant. I told him how I was walking in our apartment and I thought his brother was him and grazed his behind. I mentioned how 3 weeks into knowing him I wasn’t sure how I felt and I downloaded tinder for an hour or 2 and deleted it. I remembered something my partners friend said “hi sexy “a year ago to me at a gig but I wasn’t a 100% sure he said that and I wanted to confirm with my friend who was with me that, that was said and then so much happened after that I forgot to mention it. My partner then in turn said is there anything else you forgot to mention? It then sent me on a spiral of deep thinking. I then moved on. I dropped my partner off at his friends for drinks and then I was thinking of the last time I went out for drinks was at a work Christmas party last Christmas 12 months ago. My partner picked me up and I got so sick on the way home in the car and at home. I then manipulated myself into thinking because I was so drunk I must have done something bad and if I did I don’t remember because I was drunk. Here’s the thing. I recall the whole night. But then I was thinking hmm you don’t remember every time you went to the bathroom do you?? And then my head was like what if you hooked up with someone in the bathroom and you don’t know. And then I’m like with who? I wasn’t flirting with anyone or talking to any guys. And then my mind just imagined me doing an act with some random in the bathroom stall who I have no idea who?? It’s so ridiculous but now I feel immense guilt all the time and made myself feel like I’ve cheated on my partner. Which is so insane. And I feel horrible. And I love my partner so much and my mind keeps playing tricks on me. I don’t know what to do. I just miss how I felt before I thought this thought and now this is taking over my life.

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

my real ocd will not leave me alone at the lowest point ever in my life. its making everything so much worse and I can't even confess or talk to anyone about it because it's so awful and disgusting. my fear is that I don't deserve to have the people who love me in my life, or if they knew what I did when I was younger (kid/early teen) they would see me differently and be disgusted. Its terrifying. Even if i was just "curious", didn't know hiw bad it actually was just that you dont do that type of thing, or was just hyper sexual, I don't know. I keep doing a compulsion thinking "if my partner or someone I know tells me they did this at that age, would I be abke to be okay with it or not judge them?" and it's can't give myself a clear answer??? which is terrifying because then obviously i don't deserve to be happy or have these people in my life. im disgusted, im dealing with so much other stuff right now that is more urgent, but this decided to sneak up again. I can't take it.