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Hello everyone, I’ve just gotten broken up with by my boyfriend 2 days ago after 6 months. For some background, he was extremely busy with very personal issues on top of getting his PhD. He simply couldn’t give the relationship the time/effort he wanted. On top of that, I had realized that there were a lot of obsessions involved with this relationship on my end, so I put a lot of emotional energy into it. That being said, the actual breakup was very sudden to me because he did not indicate to me (verbally) that this had been on his mind for weeks before this. We had ceven bought each other Christmas gifts just days earlier at a local market. Now, my obsessions would relate many things to him or our relationship (songs, movies, etc), which I was aware of and in the process of working on not doing this to be more independent. I never shared this with him and did a lot to not let it affect our relationship. Now, after the breakup, I am consistently being triggered because I never truly got to surpass these obsessions, and also because we interact almost daily at work (I know what you’re thinking, bad move). I know a lot of these thoughts and feelings will pass with time since it’s only been a few days, but I was wondering if anyone has had a scenario like this for specific advice or just anyone’s advice in general? I’m working on writing my masters thesis and I want to do my absolute best work, but this scenario is making it extremely difficult to focus while at work. Thank you.

This app has helped me overcome a lot of my obsessions but right now I'm really struggling with pure o. I get so many thoughts about things happening to the people I love and this is just so distressing. Today I realized I've had enough of ocd stealing my time and happiness away so I really want to do ERP for this, but I really don't know how to create exposures for this. Is somebody else here in the same boat? I feel like a script would be useful but I'm not sure where to begin

i have a few questions that i want some more intel if someone has the answers: okay the first one is why do the thoughts feel so REAL a majority of the time (specifically my harm thoughts) but then i get these small moments of reassurance that i’m going to be okay? for example, typically when i have harm thoughts pop in, they give me immense anxiety and make me believe i’m gonna do them. but then, i get these small moments of reassurance where i know i would NEVER do that. next one is why is my contamination ocd experienced differently than my harm? so with contamination ocd i’m just convinced 100% of the time that if i don’t clean something or wash my hands, i will get sick. and i also have physical and mental compulsions that accompany it. but my harm ocd is completely mental. i get the intrusive thoughts and then i’m convinced i’m going to become that monster and i will sit and worry in it for hours if i let myself. though i do more work for my contamination ocd, the harm ocd is definitely more debilitating and exhausting to deal with based on its content.

Yesterday I went to bowling with friends and I noticed a teen girl, and I'm very afraid that what I felt could have been a feeling of attraction, or was it just the impression of what she actually looked like? It wasnt like she had revealing clothes or things like that, and even if she was that would be on me, but i think she had an exposed back, and it was from afar and it happened in a very brief instant, so maybe it could be that before recognizing the young age my brain might have reacted to the "look" of what my eyes saw before fully elaborating everything, and when I did I got immediately triggered and identified the trigger. I don't know. I didn't like it, and I don't want it. If I visualise it now I know I'm not into it and that I don't like it. I'm afraid that for an instant I might have felt an impulsive independent feeling of attraction to what I saw, then realised what happened or identified the subject age and got triggered and bothered. But that would not make what happened the moment before any less true. It all happened so fast I don't know. I tried to compulsively check again what I saw trying to understand, but there were more triggers in that direction so I just stopped. After that I immediately felt depressed and I was silent and emotionless the whole evening and my friends were buzzing me trying to cheer me up asking me why I was like this. I just wanted to go home, it was too much for me, I wished that I never had come. There was a waiting list of 1 hour, so we went outside, after 1 hour had passed we went inside again, and I was hoping to see the trigger again to try to understand what I felt and hopefully gain the answer that it was a misunderstanding from my part, but it was gone. I didn't have the opportunity to fix it. I just prayed that it was just OCD. Then after a few hours I forgot abt it and shelved the memory of what happened, and played with my friends, but the whole time I just wanted to go home to ruminate and try to understand and fix what happened. I don't know. I feel so depressed, this morning whenever I woke up I just tried to go to sleep because I wasn't ready to face the reality of what might have happened. Whatever it happened, it felt "real" and what I'm afraid it might have happened feels like that too. I feel so depressed because the same evening before going out I had watched Arcane season 2 on Netflix and there was this episode 7 which was beautiful and I experienced happiness seeing a couple dancing and it felt so pure and beautiful and I was hoping to to feel that type of love one day too. I don't think I deserve to feel such thing after what happened yesterday. I don't think I deserve to experience something like love, I'm stained. I'm not worthy. I'm crying as I write this.

TW: incest, convincing yourself of feelings/trauma and assault, and unhealthy attachment, obsessions on a loved one that cause distress. For years I've struggled with intrusive thoughts regarding relationships. I never paid them any mind, but it always worried me that I didn't actually love my partner. I feel so happy with her, but I worry that I am lying to myself. This is where it gets ridiculous, so please no judgement. I began dating her during the summer, it is long-distance and online, but we make plans to one day be able to meet and be together in real life. Randomly, throughout conversations, I would get reminded of emojis or words my dad would use in text. I don't know why that would happen, but I tired to ignore it and just focus on talking to her. However, as time went by I began to fear my brain because at first I feared that my dad had innappropritate feelings or intentions with me. Whenever he'd touch me, I'd smack his hands away and avoid it as much as I could. But then, I somehow convinced myself that the fear was because deep-down I actually wanted him to touch me/feel things for me. The thoughts got so bad that I became bedridden, but the worst part is that I worry about doing something I'll regret. I have spoken to him about it and he told me that it was simple "father-daughter" relationship, but I still have that nagging voice in there telling me I wish it was more. I began to question myself and my morals and what made me, me. Whenever something romantic comes up, I think of my dad instead of my girlfriend and it makes me so uncomfortable and cry. Whenever something reminds me of him, I tell myself it's because I think of him romantically. I even have those weird thoughts about marrying him or being in a relationship with him. They make me so uncomfortable, but it's so hard to ignore them. I feel like I'm lying to myself and that I'm just defending myself by posting this, but I can't take it anymore. It's driving me insane. For context: My dad and I have a very close relationship and I love hanging out with him. He makes me feel seen and understood as much as he can. He doesn't judge me and he helps me when I'm stressed. However, I'm beginning to think that the amount of support he gave me damaged me and caused me to latch onto him unhealthily. I feel bad for wanting to spend time with him, but I can't just not be around him because even then the thoughts don't stop. I feel like a monster and I want to just focus on my girlfriend and be happy, but part of me worries that I'll become obsessed with her too and never be able to be independent. I made the mistake of looking up Limerence and convincing myself I have that for my father. It's so strange because I don't not see him sexually or want to be with him that way, but it's the romantic connection that's puzzling me. I hardly see anyone talking about it. How did I convince myself of this? I ruminated and it's making my life living hell. I worry that one day, if I manage to push these thoughts away, they'll become reality and I won't be in control of them anymore. Another piece of context: I haven't been in a romantic relationship in-person in many years. The last one I had was in highschool and I am in college now. It's hard to accept that I may have mistaken my father's parental love for that of romantic interest. I just feel disgusting and it makes me nauseous to think about it, but I can't stop. I know I'm into women. I hardly have any attraction to men except celebrities and fictional characters. I want this relationship with my girlfriend and she knows what I struggle with. I just can't deal with this anymore. It's gotten to the point of wishing I could take my brain out. I'm scared. Please, help.

No one sees that anyway so i just type what i feel...I cant just bare the ocd i have...everytime it keeps getting worse, childhood traumas,dreams,mistakes and so on they wont leave my head, the worst part of my ocd is that when i see person who i hate or see from horror movies or anything like that, i cant bare it my stress skyrockets and worst part is that for years ive been developing it further, now when i see their names or faces no matter where, in a dream...maybe picture and real life? My day is ruined even if i do my compulsion because my compulsion is in normal cases seeing names that i dont like 2x go to toilet and wash my hands 2x and brush my teeth, not fear of bacteria just feel like getting this bad aura off my chest, however if i do experience huge stress like see the person i need to go and do these same things...execpt for that time i need to actually wash myself too... and worse part is i now started counting how many times i go to wc because if i see the person in school i can only make it like 3.6.9th time going to the toilet because i have compulsion about nunbers and 3,6,9 are the bad numbers and deserved to be put into bad people also the letters the names start with... always when i type i need to press y after..., even breathing,swallowing,blinking applies when i see these people...my life is a hell, and when i do see them my day is ruined because i feel like doing something special prioritizes them more than my loved ones... i cant anymore ive tried to stop but everytime a new trauma occurs wheter in a dream or irl i just cant bare it...it affects my life so so much i just cant, it has given me addictions and so on, when i see people i hate i cant enjoy my favorite soda when i see the person, cant order some new stuff from the web, cant learn new things, cant watch my favorite video, cant do anything for the whole day or day(s) when i dont see them, cant do anything new or something i feel special about since i saw this or these people....it goes away in school time since i stop caring about it...but ohh man how it resets in the summer and lasts longer and usually worse....i just cant this is hell. And no one knows i have it not even diagnosed with it. hell.

Before I was diagnosed with OCD, I would constantly figure out why something triggered me. I don’t know if this is like bad for OCD but it usually calmed me down enough to where it would practically go away fully. I’ve been in the worst spiral of my life for about two months now. There’s certain thoughts I cannot sit down and think of triggers because it simply makes them worse. However, there are thoughts where I notice that they pop up around the same repetitive trigger. For example: inappropriately grabbing my mom would flash before my eyes when I would playfully reach for her. This happened so many times over the last several weeks and I kinda had an “aha” moment a few minutes ago. It’s basically like an extra barrier, an extra warning. The last thing I want to do is make my mom uncomfortable and whenever I grab for her, the worst case scenario appears. As a form of *remember this could happen, stay away.* Maybe this all sounds obvious and if it does, I’m sorry. Essentially, I would also feel like I almost did it, ofc it did, all I saw in that moment was the worst case scenario. The urge I feel to do it was a compulsion to test if I would even get close to considering it. I don’t actively think of it, it feels like my ADHD brain kinda solves the puzzle and throws out the answer at a random moment. I don’t know, maybe this all harms me more but in my experience understanding why certain things trigger me (not why the thought is there, figuring that out makes me worse, I keep a generic broad idea: it’s probably the opposite of me *shrug*) have helped me a ton. I’m still hypervigilant and I’m working on just refocusing my attention to the present but I wanted to share for any opinions or advice. I’m still very new at handling this and learning since I was only recently diagnosed so please take all of this with a grain of salt. The last thing I would want to do is make anyone worse. So any thoughts?

I believe I have a form of "Pure o" OCD because my entire life has been one long series of obsessions, and I'm now starting to realize I've also had compulsions but they are most mental. Primarily ruminating or "problem solving". I finally found information on OCD which explains my life, but my brain is now obsessing about anxiety itself and having OCD. It's constantly trying to "fix it" or "solve it." I know I have to apply ERP which I have been trying to do, but I can't figure out what to do with the extreme impulse to try to "figure it out or solve it" which I believe is a compulsion. I know I need to not go down it's rabbit hole, but does anyone have any tips of how to actually do that? Like, what do I say to it in my mind to keep me from following it? Or is that a compulsion in itself? I'm very confused.

I've struggled with untreated Real Event OCD for years. Recently, it's gotten worse though. I just really don't "feel right." Like my brain is constanly on fire and inflamed and "blocked" in some way. Basically I've had my little OCD "system" of intrusive thought --> ruminate --> deal with the issue mentally --> do compulsion (writing it down) so I actually "remember" that it was "dealt with." Rinse and repeat. I do "delay" the rumination a lot. Which brings me to my latest episode -- I came across a "paradoxal" issue that I couldn't get a resolution to. For WEEKS. This put me in a strange head space. I was perpetually delaying it. This, I believe, caused my new "brain symptoms." It actually feels like OCD itself -- or not dealing with the issue -- created an actual "traumatic experience." During those weeks, and still today, I've experienced: - Brain fog - Burnt out - Constant tension headaches - Emotionally numb (sometimes) - Trouble focusing sometimes - Mental fatigue - Info overload - Sundowning (like a mf'n 90 year old!) - Dread / empty feeling, especially when I wake up in the morning - A lot of doubt and second guessing - Been waking up every single night in the the middle of the night. Not feeling like I'm getting good sleep. - Health anxiety (or is it real?) -- am I getting demenia, am I getting early onset Alzeheimers? I went to see a neuoriolgist and she said I don't have dementia. Ordered a MRI / brain scan mainly for peace of mind (pardon the pun) and Magnesium + B2 - which I haven't started yet. What's so f'd up is that even after "deadling" with that paradoxal issue -- which DID bring some relief -- I'm still experiencing a lot of brain fog, emotional numbness, focus problems, mental fatigue, etc. still. Is this my new normal? What happens when OCD daily triggers chronic stress. What happens when chronic stress is the status quo and you can't "get back" to the person you were before or the cognitive state you were at before? It's one thing for OCD to rob your joy, time, peace of mind, etc. but for it to turn into an actual medical brain issue is scary af and creates even more stress and anxiety.

I’ve been really struggling for the past week. It comes and goes in waves, but it’s been a lot. I’m doing my best today to not spiral, but I am full of what ifs. I’m just trying my hardest not to follow them down the hole. Some days this feels so real and has me fully convinced that I am gay and that I need to leave my husband, but at the end of the day I know I want to be in bed with my husband giving him a big kiss goodnight. My exposure for the next week and a half before my next session is to watch my wedding video daily and track my distress and practice my response prevention. It’s been tough! After my episode over the summer I haven’t been able to watch it because of all the guilt i’ve been feeling (and I was someone who watched her wedding video once a week since getting married 3 years ago and always glowed when I watched it.) It’s been tough, i feel this rush of fear and sadness wash over me and I just have to do my best not to react. After doing my exposure this morning, i was able to handle the task, but afterwards I started spiraling a bit. I’m screaming to myself in the car “YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW THAT THOUGHT” or “YOU DONT NEED TO FIGURE THIS OUT” but it’s so tough. I know they say that when you’re in the throws of OCD everything and anything can become a trigger. I keep getting flashes of old coming out videos I’ve watched, articles about LBL that I have read, masculine presenting women that I have seen that have caused me discomfort and anxiety. I’m doing my best to sit with it, but these thoughts are coming at me from so many different angles. I am hoping I am at the end of this flare up soon.

Today was one of those days where OCD decided to throw a curveball—completely unplanned and uninvited. It wasn’t one of those moments where I’d geared up for exposure practice or had a strategy ready. Instead, it hit out of nowhere. This morning, I noticed a massive 4-foot scratch on my car when I got to work. It was glaring, impossible to miss, and my mind immediately spiraled into overdrive. This was after intentionally avoiding any distractions during my commute (no videos, no crutches). For about two hours, I had no idea how or when the scratch happened, and it felt awful. My brain latched onto the uncertainty, feeding me all the “what ifs” and “should haves” it could muster. And as if the scratch itself wasn’t enough, there was the bigger, familiar fear lurking in the background: the fear of being a disappointment. The thought that I might have harmed someone or caused damage—or that I would be a disappointment to those I valued the most—loomed large. It wasn’t just about the car. It was about the story my OCD loves to tell me: What if this makes me bad? What if I’m careless? What if I’ve let everyone down? In that moment, I had to make a choice. I couldn’t undo the scratch or magically find an answer to what caused it, but I could decide how I responded. I kept telling myself: This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it. Something happened, or maybe it didn’t, but either way, I have to sit with this feeling. Later, my husband figured it out. The scratch happened when he was squeezing by my car to bring the trash bins in. Even after learning the cause, though, the anxiety didn’t disappear. If anything, it hung around, whispering that I still needed to fix something or do something to make it “right.” What’s wild is that I’d been having a great couple of days before this. I felt like I was making progress—fewer compulsions, less spiraling—and then this situation hit, and I felt like I’d been thrown a million miles backwards. That’s the thing about OCD: progress isn’t linear. And then there’s the added layer of fear: this nagging worry that I’ll never stop letting people down, that even little mistakes or accidents somehow make me a failure in someone else’s eyes. That weight can feel unbearable sometimes. As the day went on, though, I noticed a shift. It wasn’t dramatic, but the anxiety started to lose its edge. I’m proud of myself for not falling back into old habits—no reassurance-seeking, no obsessing over the car, no chasing answers to make the anxiety disappear. But I won’t sugarcoat it. It’s still hard. I’m nervous about getting back in the car later. Will I feel paralyzed, stuck in the moment when I first saw the scratch? Or will I be able to move on like it’s just another part of the day? Right now, I don’t know, but here’s what I do know: I didn’t give up today. I faced a 9/10 anxiety moment, and even though it wasn’t graceful or ideal, I kept going. It didn’t feel good, and it wasn’t perfect, but I’m still here, still trying, still moving forward.

Hi, I had a ok 2 days after a while I haven’t been ok. And today it all kinda came back to me. Like yesterday and 2 days ago the thoughts were here to cause I had things to do. And today it all kinda came back , im trying to stay away from compulsion and today starting erp again cause I kinda gave up on it. I’m afraid I just never recover from it cause what if the thought will always be here? It’s just scary that it’s will be forever. Ocd has made me depressed too so I need to get my life back together. I’m afraid I will never recover because what if there are people who don’t recover from this? What if I will be one of them? My therapist tells me never to compare myself to anyone, she tells me that everyone can recover and it’s possible to recover for anyone but it’s depend of the person. I’m trying to think positive but the what if I’m not going to recover thoughts are killing me. I know it’s possible but what if not for me

A few days ago I posted about the urge to type up cp spelt out into Google. As stated in that post I know it’s essential harmless. It would generate articles and statistics. I’ve never given into this urge. My therapist theorizes that my OCD has its own morbid curiosity. I think that’s possibly true. But this urge has me feeling almost restricted? I can’t get on my phone or computer without feeling like I can’t breathe. I think it’s maybe anxiety but it’s driving me crazy. My therapist is newer at treating OCD. She told me I was her first client with in an active OCD episode. She’s mentioned ERP and workbooks, I’ve met with her twice. We normally go in what I wrote in workbooks and my journal about OCD. She suggested I type it into Google (since it’s technically not harmful) once to see if that urge goes away and if it doesn’t, to use it against my OCD by saying, “this urge that seems to be promising relief from anxiety is a lie, we’ve done this before and I gave in. You’re lying and we’re not doing this again.” I mentioned that this might just give my OCD more power over me. Or use the guilt against me. I’m scared to do it. I know it’s harmless again. But I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I don’t know if I should take that advice. Can anyone give me their input or perspective? Or maybe even what they think their therapist would say? I trust my therapist but we’re both very new at this and I’m terrified of this getting worse but I also hate this restriction feeling/anxiety. Input please, I really appreciate it

Hi, really struggling currently battling my memories: fear of being a lesbian!!! it’s said i would remember if i felt attraction to women in my past but i just. can’t. remember. my brain is taking every interaction with a woman and making it like i was attracted even thought im like pretty sure i wasn’t but again. i. just. don’t. know. it’s making even what i thought to be platonic have some meaning and has fully convinced me i have had gay thoughts and romantic and sexual feelings to women before my hocd. second, it’s battling my memories with my past experiences with men. i bet we’ve all see the comphet list… not fun… i related to a few when it came to like a disconnect with male attraction before my hocd. my brain is really attacking that and is using everytime i didn’t feel something as proof that im gay and everytime i think i remember feeling something with men it’s saying it wasn’t real or it wasn’t strong enough or i never wanted it or it was just societal pressures yada yada. idk i guess im just really struggling with these two and its hard to say maybe, maybe not right now. just wanna know if anyone can relate

I’ve been working with NOCD since late May, but this is my first post. As time has gone on and I’ve learned more about OCD, I’ve come to realize a lot of things I was doing were compulsions. This has been a devastating realization, because what I originally thought were signs of progress were actually just more compulsions. I have a couple different subtypes that come up often. Blinking, sexual taboo thought, whether my anxiety will prevent me from sleeping and getting a small break from my brain etc. But, specifically I essentially have OCD about PCD. Searching for the “right away” and “right response” to deal with and improve my OCD. My main compulsion is constant rumination about the “how to’s” of ERP, or what to do to improve my OCD. It has been fairly close to non stop rumination for 6-7 months now. I’d say the longest my brain goes without feeling threatened and wanting to dive down the rabbit hole has been maybe 15 minutes or so. It’s exhausting as sometimes I just want a break but I feel like I’m in ERP all day every day where my brain never gives me a break. I came to realize how much sneaky self reassurance I was doing. A lot of it frankly is to motivate myself not to give up. As, I have a wife and a 6 year old and while some days I feel like I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry, I don’t really feel like I can do that with a family who depends on me. Essentially, I am aware of my thoughts all the time. I “check” my thoughts and become aware that OCD is there, and then before I know it I’m ruminating on how to respond to it. At the beginning of this process, one of my compulsions was research (which I didn’t realize at the time was a compulsion). A lot of that advice I had sought out about OCD and learning more about it has stuck in my brain and those are the types of things that play on repeat through the rumination. “Just let it be there.” “Don’t engage.” “It’s just a thought.” “Don’t be too hard on yourself and just keep trying.” etc. I am feeling pretty defeated at the moment because I feel like I don’t get to choose when I do ERP because my brain is just asking me to solve this practically every minute of every day. It’s frustrating to be 6-7 months into this journey and still feel like I’m no further along in recovery and keep doing the same compulsions. It feels so unfair sometimes, as I’m 35 and never really knew I had OCD until an event triggered it earlier this year and now that I’m aware of it, I think about it constantly and can’t seem to figure out how to NOT try to figure it out. Anyways, this was a very long post and to anyone who took the time to read it I greatly appreciate it. I don’t really know what I’m looking for out of this post other than to vent because of how challenging it has been for me.

Today i didnt look on reddit and didnt looked on this app at other peoples posts to seak answers. But i still had major anxiety that made my heart racing . O had moments when i thought that my bf is annoying and that he is not for me, i didnt live him bla bla bla. Felt real, still feals real but i did some progress. I dont really know how to do erp on my own and i need advice. i feel like im seaking reasurance everytime i post here because.. i do but i need advice from people that understand me.

I’m having a really difficult time and was hoping someone could give me guidance/advice on how to deal with this? It’s tricky because I know ocd is playing a part but there is actually a moral issue here and I feel extra trapped in this. Basically, my dad had this girlfriend when I was a kid who he was engaged too. She had this dog who I fell in love with and the dog actually came to live with us instead of her townhouse because he could roam freely at our house. Long story short, they broke up when I was 16 and the dog stayed here. The dog was never trained and had a lot of behavioral issues, and my dad was so terrible at handling them, plus I think the dog reminded him of his ex. Anyway, he treated the dog so horribly. He’d lose his temper so often, and if the dog wouldn’t come inside, he’d just leave even if it was bad whether because he had this mindset of his life not revolving around the animal. That’s eventually how the dog died, he accidentally was hit by my dads truck. I know my dad felt awful about it, because he never would’ve wanted that, but it still happened because he wouldn’t take care of the dog. I think the dog was sick, probably Lyme disease, and he needed help, and I didn’t do nearly enough to help him. I didn’t know how to get him to the vet as my dad really wouldn’t do it, I’m disabled, and like I said, he had lots of behavioral issues and was a biter. I was scared and just felt frozen. I feel like such an awful person. I didn’t do enough to help him, both in terms of his health and to get my dad to treat him well. On top of that, my dad has always been my best friend, and now I feel like an awful person for that as well. Nothing excuses what happened, but it’s been years and I don’t know how to handle it now. I feel like I need to tell everyone but that feels like a compulsion but also I feel like I’m doing something wrong if I do that and I’m just suffering from guilt and anger and I’m upset this ever happened and my dad ever did something like that and I don’t know what to do because this one is genuinely bad and I loved that dog and everything in my life today feels like a lie.

I feel like is really hard to get better when you brain is trying to convince you that you actually want to do it and since it's really convincing I do not know what to do not feel like that. Nothing positve that I think makes me happy, I feel like I have no escape of this. Before I would get like moments of reliefs when thinking positive but now I don't, maybe I am going through depression. I am starting to doubt about my own person ( its not an intrusive thought )and to think that I will be ok being that horrible person, but I do not know what do to. I feel numb and I am so tired. I just know that I was not this person before, I used to be a person with goals, super kind and someone that loved being around people. I try to ignore or not engage with the thoughts, and why is it coming back? What do I need to do? Anyone going through this?

I am currently taking buspirone and it did help when I only had anxiety but now that my OCD has came back...putting my now "on break" relationship (until Thursday I will know if he wants to stay...I really hope he does) would SAM-e work or should I start trying different SSRI's? And I'm going to be honest...I broke his trust multiple times without even meaning or wanting or intending too by um...cheating with people online and I never ever thought my worst fear would become true...and I did everything out of fear and honestly not affection or love...but I was also dealing with severe anxiety and depression from past toxic relationships and friendships and still currently having a very hard time at home...I was neglected emotionally and mentally as a child..grew up being told to ask for help and use my voice but whenever I did....I got told to figure it out myself or your a big girl do it on your own and ever since never really knew how to ask for help let alone had an actual father figure...and ever since I did that to my boyfriend....constant shame, chronic guilt, disgust, fear... just everything it would take to just disappear...and he said he wanted a break until this Thursday and I asked him....so why are you staying if you do stay..."I still have a sliver of love left for you and I don't want to let the memories we made go to waste" I understood that and then I already knew he was starting to text girls online ig in a way to make it "fair" and I told him I am asking just 2 things of you....do not have sex with ANYONE and after the break if we are still in a relationship which I hope and pray we are...research even more than you already have about OCD and I mean DEEPLY research it...he hates I keep bringing it up but I only ask of 2 things..and main reason he has grown distant is because of my confessing compulsion....no matter if I said it and he knows EVERYTHING about me, even if I left out a single little detail gotta confess or remember something else that happened oh gotta confess...but im also learning to leave past mistakes in the past....the past is the past for a reason...but it's so hard to let go of something you did...when you hurt the person you love and care and value so deeply...I know that if I lose him...I would be 110% worse and lost all hope...I need help guys I need advice.....because right now I have 0 friends...family doesn't support or listen to my needs...I was crying earlier and they saw but didn't ask what was wrong or anything...can't talk to my boyfriend...trying everyday to just not text him like he wanted no contact is so....so hard it hurts physically......can't sleep..haven't ate for a few days...trying to eat but I can't...I have no one...and I am deathly scared if he stays I will make the mistakes again maybe not soon but later...I cant...I want help I need help...I need support and friends..im alone 💔

Hello I want to share my story with you because I sometimes feel so alone with my problems. I need hope that I can really do it. My father simply fled to his country of origin when I was 4 years old. At first I thought I would never see him again because we didn't know where he was, then we learned through a lawyer that he had run away - then the contact came back after 1 year, we visited him and it broke my heart every time to never see him again for another year. I idealized him so incredibly, even though he was never really there. My mother never demonized him, never put him down. My trauma was born that I was separated from my father several times. Today, I am 30 years old and I can no longer idealize it and I realize everything I have repressed, oppressed and killed during all these years. I started watching pornography very early at the age of teenagers aged 10 to 13, including things I'm not proud of today. then becoming sexually active myself. I had a very painful separation as a teenager with my ex. I've had super beautiful girlfriends, always. I knew I was attractive. From 13 (first time) to 28, I had more than 100 partners and tried many things. I lived in drunkenness. But what I never was was this macho - I was very early on aware of the value of a woman and that I wanted to treat everyone well and stay fair. But I never noticed that I had developed an OCD very early. To my OCD story: At the age of 18, I had the impression for the first time that something was wrong with me. There is no joy, something looks like a metal gavage. Then I took SSRI antidepressants and quickly improved. I take them until today :-( For probably 10 years, I was afraid of HIV. Extreme fear. I had to do 100 tests and I kept questioning them. I didn't know all this time that I could have an OCD. Three years ago, I met my girlfriend. I thought to myself: this time, you do everything better. Stay faithful, stay honest and so on. Then this obsessive admition came to me. I should wash myself of all my sins - suddenly, I told everything. Then came the guilty conscience (about violent sex chats, porn addiction, inappropriate porn when I was myself a teenager) and what others might think of me now. Then I saw a video about a guy who got exposed on the Internet because he had done something inappropriate. Terrible, I find it was horrible for the victims. Then OCD came and said that someone could say the same thing about me. And it duged up all my past. All porn in adolescence, everything. Again, I had to relieve myself in one way or another. I regained everyone's reassurance. Everyone must have told me that it was okay when I was 10-13 years old and watched porn that was not correct. Oh my God, I couldn't anymore. Now, OCD has taken on a new dimension and now checks on absolutely EVERYTHING if it excites me sexually or not. It suddenly automatically connects sex and children. It's terrible. I have never felt this level of fear before. We really think that I have been kidnapped by evil and that my brain is broken. I had never questioned my sexuality. Sex has always been so pleasant for me (certainly also anesthesia) and now everything is so confusing. I developed such a fear of sex with my girlfriend that inappropriate images would shoot me in the head. I hate OCD so much. Even worse, to distract myself and get rid of my feelings, I only know one strategy that has always helped me: more pornography, sex chats, more women and more transsexuals. So I say to myself: man, I want to be a great and good friend. In fact, I want to have a family with my girlfriend. It really drove me crazy. I didn't know what to do and sometimes I wanted to give up and die for the first time in my life. Because this flow of thoughts was unbearable. My big theory is that I'm obviously incredibly afraid of commitment. Because of my Major trauma of the PTSD. And OCD is just one of the many things that do not want to "make me feel", because it means a great danger. Goddammit, sometimes I say to myself that I have to live again single, and maybe have fear from HIV. I am not sure about my past, but I felt never so bad. Does anyone know of similar things? Can anyone understand my story or experience something similar? I want to be strong, I want to get there. Sometimes it's incredibly hard to believe. I don't understand how my brain has so much self-hatred. I want to finally live, free and in peace with myself. In love