It is currently 12:51am and I am really worried about the false memories I have in relation to my friend and there are several of them all containing her that are very detailed, very vivid, and feel very real, they feel like other genuine memories that I have, they feel the exact same which is more worrying.
I keep trying to tell myself that the more I ruminate over these memories and try to find arguments and reasons as to why theyāre more likely to be untrue false memories that my brain has conjured up, the more arguments my brain will come up with as to why theyāre real, which in turn makes them more real. I keep trying to tell myself that nothing positive or beneficial comes from trying to figure out whether these false memories are true or not, and that by checking them will only make me feel āworseā. I keep trying to acknowledge the thoughts when they appear and not push them away, but just sit with them and I canāt. I feel awful, sad, bad, gross and it makes me so upset and I want to cry. I donāt want to have done anything sexual whether it is appropriate or inappropriate with this individual, and I especially donāt want any of these false memories to be true, and I hope to god theyāre false memories but Iām worried and fear theyāre not (I hope this is just my OCD saying all of that)
Iām worried theyāre not false memories because theyāre so detailed, vivid, obscure and intricate. Thereās aspects to these false memories that donāt feel like something OCD would be able to come up with. The more I think about them the more Iām worried and feel like theyāre just actual memories that Iām suppressing and pushing away, or actual memories that Iām just trying to dismiss by passing them off as OCD false memories to make myself appear or look innocent, does that make sense? Theyāre very graphic, disgusting and disturbing inappropriate actions that I am worried I have committed. I want to type it out here but I worry from the simple fact that I am able to type out what the event is within the first place, like the fact it is something I can picture and detail in words here would indicate to me that it has happened otherwise how else am I telling you about it right now?
In short, what I can disgustingly remember is performing oral sex on my friend. I can remember the setting, what she was wearing, what was on the television in the background. What is even more disturbing and extremely worrying to me, is this very specific and intricate detail which makes me worry that this memory is indeed real and not a false memory (which I really want it to be) I want all of the sexual memories I have in relation to this person to be false memories that have been created and formed by my OCD and donāt actually have any basis in reality, and havenāt actually happened. The reason this is seriously worrying me is because there is a very intricate and detailed part of the memory that feels too complicated and complex for OCD to simply ācome up withā, and feels more like something that actually happened, hence why I can remember this detail. I want to type out the detail and word it but Iām scared too because by typing it out it makes it feel more real and like it actually happened, because otherwise how do I have a recollection of it to type out within the first place? Does that make sense?
Whatās making this even more worrying and believable to me, and I feel overwhelmed and upset typing out this sentence, is that while I am and do identity as a straight woman, I have had a consensual sexual experience with another woman before, which is why for me itās even harder to dismiss these memories as being false memories. For example, if I had never had a sexual experience with another woman before, I would easily be able to say āWell this is obviously and very clearly a false memory because I have never even done anything sexual with a woman consensually, let alone inappropriatelyā but I canāt say that, which is why to me these false memories are very plausible because all I can think is āWell you have had a sexual experience with a woman before, youāre clearly attracted to the female body sexually, it isnāt impossible for you to have done those acts in the past and theyāre actually even MORE likely nowā, which is why itās even scarier for me and does feel like something that is more likely to have happened now, does that make sense? It feels a lot more believable because that is an action that I easily couldāve done given consent to do so.Ā
I am just really, really worried. I remember at the time when I first started worrying about these fears in relation to this person (like 5 years ago) I remember messaging her as I had her on instagram, and I sent her a message to test what she would responsd/ reaction would be, which ended up being a pretty normal response. During the timeframe after the false memory takes place, she sent me instagram reels, liked posts I made and also at one point asked me if Iād like to hang out and that she would be down to drive to me, but I declined at the time and I canāt remember why, which is also worrying.Ā
Since the time the false memory took place, I hadnāt seen her in person or really spoken to her over text aside from the occasional āHey how are you?ā and sending each other instagram reels. However, back in April I bumped into her for and saw her for the first time since like 4 years ago. The whole time I was shaking in fear, I felt so scared and anxious and my legs wouldnāt stop trembling the entire interaction. At first I was very on guard to look out for any signs of discomfort or hostility from her, which I canāt tell if I actually did find or if thatās just how she converses now.Ā
Anyway, at the end of the interaction she gave me a hug, said to me āGirl I missed youā and it seemed sincere. She also asked me for my social mediaās. I told her I donāt have social media anymore (which is true) but that I can give her my number instead, which she added into her phone. I then proceeded to leave and was panicking the entire time after the interaction, fearing that any moment she was going to send me a text message either asking me to meet up with her (where she would then confront me about the false memories, therefore confirming theyāre real) or just send me a text message confronting me about the false memories, again confirming that theyāre real. These particular fears were still present between the months of March and September, the only reason the fears stop here is because I bought a new phone and received a new number, meaning my friend no longer has my up to date mobile number. Every time my phone beeped I was panicked it was going to be her, I was anticipating an angry message. Ā
This panicked me for a multitude of reasons,Ā on most days I was anticipating a confrontational message only to never receive anything from her, but isnāt that even more alarming and worrying? Isnāt that even more evidence that I in fact did commit those actions and that theyāre not false memories? Why would she take my number and then never bother to text it, not even a hello? Maybe it is because she was just taking my number to be polite in the moment but didnāt actually want it because I make her uncomfortable and she doesnāt actually like me because the false memories are true and happened. I keep trying to tell myself that this doesnāt necessarily mean the false memories are true because:
* a) she had me on instagram for years after the false memories took place and she never messaged me or āconfrontedā me on there either, so why would she message me now?
* b) I have many peoples phone numbers that I wouldnāt actually text or bother to speak with. for example I have a few peoples numbers in my phone now that I can tell you with 99.9% certainty I will probably never text again, but not because theyāve done anything wrong to me, I just donāt see the point because theyāre not in my life anymore.Ā
Iām just so so worried. I am sitting here right now and my face feels numb and twitchy, and so do my eyes. My stomach keeps turning and tightening and I feel āstrangeā. I feel like this entire note is just me being in denial and actively choosing to lie and pass off these terrible disgusting actions (that my brain says I know Iāve done and just donāt want to admit it) as OCD and calling them a false memory as to not take accountability for them.Ā
I am really terrified that these false memories arenāt false memories and that they actually happened and Iām just in denial about them. They feel so so real and I can remember them like the back of my hand, which only worries me more. I donāt want any of the sexual memories I have in relation to this individual to be true. I donāt want to have done anything remotely sexual to / with this individual, whether inappropriate or appropriate.
When I say to myself or my partner āI donāt know whether or not I have done anything sexual to / with herā it feels like Iām lying, my body feels weird and so does my face. When I say that phrase I feel like Iām lying to myself and my family and that Iām just in denial and donāt want to admit it to myself. Thatās what it genuinely feels like and I donāt know why. I am really upset and I donāt want to have done anything sexual to / with her.
Whenever Iām outside I am genuinely terrified of bumping into her because I fear sheās going to āconfront meā (understandably so) and confirm to me that what Iām hoping are just OCD fabricated false memories, arenāt false memories at all, but in fact something that has actually occurred in reality. However, I also worry that that sounds incredibly selfish and vile because the main persons feelings here who should matter is the individual that has been harmed, and thatās what Iām worried I have done :(
I donāt know how to cope or what to do. If I found out I had committed those disgusting acts and they were indeed real, I wouldnāt want to live, because I donāt want to live knowing I was able to do those unforgivable actions towards someone.
I am so so scared, I really donāt want to have done anything to this person and Iām terrified Iām lying about it and in denial. Even now as I type these sentences I feel strange and that every word Iām typing is just me falling further and further into denial and running with the life to try and make myself feel better.Ā
However, if I did know I had committed these actions / false memories, then why would I also be having thoughts to ācheck to see whether Iāve carried out these actionsā. As in, if these were actions I KNEW I had done and was actively choosing to lie about them, then why would I also be having thoughts to check if Iāve done said behaviours? Does that make sense?
Do you think Iām lying when I say Iām not sure whether I have done anything to / with her? Do you think I have done those disgusting acts to / with her? Do you think those false memories are false memories fabricated by OCD, or do you think theyāre real and did in fact occur?
