Things that scare me

@Solrose Thank you. I think we’ve spoken on here before and I appreciate your help. I feel physically sick when I’m with my loved one because it feels like I want to hurt them. I thought of leaving them because I can’t stop associating them with this anxiety and I don’t want that for them. Please tell me it gets better.

@Ellasmama I totally understand. Trust me, I have had these same thoughts and feelings. I’m currently going through a bad flare up right now and my whole theme is thinking I have psychosis. And the anxiety, doubt, and uncertainty I feel from these thoughts makes it feel so real. I first experienced harm-related ocd when I was 15 years old and it was directed towards my mom. It was terrifying, because I thought I was going to act on them. The thoughts would not go away and it would be difficult to be around my mom, who I love very much. Fast forward, here I am at 32 and have not ever harmed anyone. That’s not to say I don’t still get the harm thoughts or feelings associated with them, but I’m trying to show you that while OCD’s grip can be strong and convincing, it can’t change you. Please do not avoid your family. I know how difficult it can be to just sit with all those horrible feelings and thoughts, but avoidance is a compulsion that only makes the obsessions stronger. You have to sit with uncertainty and doubt. I know how painful it is, but you need to reteach your brain that these thoughts are essentially just junk and if doesn’t need to send out an alarm. The more you stop wondering what the thoughts mean, the less hold they will have on you and feel less threatening.

@Solrose Thank you. It feels like it has changed me though. Every time I look at my loved one I see something like them being shot or stabbed. It feels like I actually want this. Sometimes it feels like I’ll angrily launch at them and do it or that I don’t love them anymore and just see them as these gruesome images and not a life. The worst part is that I feel so sick around them and I can’t tell myself I don’t actually want to do these things. It feels way more like I do and I’m just stopping myself and the more I stop myself the worse I feel.

@Ellasmama OCD is called the doubting disorder for a reason. It will make you doubt anything and everything, even your own personality and values. OCD is not a thinking problem, it’s a feeling problem. Thoughts are just thoughts, no matter how graphic, violent, or disturbing they are. The issue comes when we apply meaning to the thoughts, which then creates the feelings. Which then leads to “what does this mean about me? Could I do that? Do I want to do that? It feels like I want to! I feel an urge to act!” Etc. For example, last night I went into my kitchen and my mom had fallen asleep on our living room couch. While I was in the kitchen, I had horrible thoughts about “how easy it would be to hurt her” and I pictured myself grabbing a knife and harming her. The feeling these thoughts created felt real in the moment, like I was going to act on them or even wanted to. Like a feeling “this is inevitable.” I didn’t act on these thoughts, I got my drink and went back upstairs, but in that moment it felt real. You wouldn’t be on this app right now making posts about your thoughts and wondering if this is OCD or not if you truly desired these things. OCD will tell you otherwise, but that’s it being a bully and trying to keep you feeling down. Each and every day all of us live with uncertainty about our lives, but we choose to live anyway. Right now you’re in a dark place and things seem hopeless and your own brain is gaslighting you, but I can tell you value and love your family. So regardless of how you feel or what you think about them right now, continue being with them. Remember a time before OCD was affecting you and remember how you viewed your loved ones then.

@Solrose The loved one this attacked the most was literally my best friend on the planet. I loved them and the thought of being without them…I just didn’t want to be here anymore. Now it feels like I’m literally going to stab them in the stomach with a knife. It plays in my head constantly. And I get these almost angry feelings that I actually want it when I look at them.

@Solrose I remember what it was like before this and I honestly don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t feel like I can be fixed and stop feeling these things. I get that the urges are probably made worse by me questioning them, but like…with the way I feel it’s like I can’t bear to think of them being in one piece. I hate this.

@Ellasmama It’s okay. Take some deep breaths. You aren’t alone with how you’re feeling. Trust me. I have (and still am) dealing with these same thoughts and feelings. Even the feelings like I want to act on them or anger/frustration that I’m not acting on them. Like a feeling I’m just holding myself back. I truly do understand you. OCD will make you feel, doubt, and question everything. Right now you’re experiencing a lot of distorted thinking and thinking the worst is going to happen. You’re overwhelmed right now, which aggravates OCD. Look into what’s called “thought action fusion” which is essentially that just by thinking or feeling a certain way, it’s just as bad as the action itself. Also read up on “cognitive distortions,” which shows all the different types of distorted thinking. Do you have a therapist? If not, I highly recommend reaching out to someone. If you can’t afford it, there are a lot of free videos online that are helpful and many books as well. Nathan Peterson, Ali Greymond, and Chrissie Hodges are all therapists and advocates for OCD. They have a lot of great videos on YouTube. I know right now feels hopeless and dark. You feel damaged and that things will only get worse. That’s your OCD trying to get to you. Sit with these feelings and take deep breaths. Don’t fight the thoughts or try to reason with them. It won’t work. Just respond with a simple “cool” to the thoughts and do your best to go about your day. Also let your loved ones know what is going on. They care about you and if you’re troubled by something, reach out to them so they can help you overcome this.

@Solrose Thank you. For all of this. Yeah the feelings are what gets me the most. The frustration/anger feelings, and also these weird sudden waves that I get of like “just do it” feeling like I’m trying to reason with myself as to why it’s not something I want but I’m not convinced…is that something you ever had? Like it comes on suddenly. And it’s this wave of like “do it.” And I feel like I’m trying to keep my head above water basically fighting against it but it feels like I will just give in bc I don’t really care. And the possibility being real is enough to make me just want to take myself out. That feeling of holding myself back from something I truly want to do is awful. And I also started getting other thoughts that are weird and feel like I’m freaked out by my loved ones, so…then I feel like there’s a motive. And that’s convincing me more. I do have a therapist. She’s wonderful but honestly I think I’m a bit of a lost cause. Sometimes it feels like I don’t even want to get better bc I want to be this person. But it goes against everything I’ve ever felt or wanted, especially for my loved one in particular. We were going to get an apartment together. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than them to live forever and be healthy and be in my arms where they belonged. Now it feels like this about them? The cognitive distortion thing and thought action fusion make sense to me, but like, sometimes I really think it’s real. I do also watch all three of them on YouTube. They’re all wonderful. But right now the only thing that would help would be to suddenly feel normal about my loved one again. As bad as that sounds, I can’t survive feeling this way about them. I do feel like things can’t get better right now. It does feel really hopeless. I do sit with them, but like…then I start to feel like there’s intent or what’s stopping me from going to??! That’s what’s so hard. My family is aware of what’s going on which is good. It’s just hard because they really don’t understand OCD too much and also, as for the loved one in question, they’re little and they really don’t understand and I don’t want to upset or scare them. So that makes it harder.

@Ellasmama Yes, I’m really struggling with this right now. My theme right now is the fear of developing psychosis and I have been having the thought “maybe my mom wants to hurt me” and I actually feel fear and dread thinking it. I live with my mom and I consider her my best friend. I love her dearly, and she has not ever done anything to hurt me. But I get these thoughts and if terrifies me, and my mind will literally make me feel like I’m in danger. That there’s a threat. And it makes me so emotional and upset, because it feels so real and I’m scared I’m going to snap and hurt her, actually thinking I’m protecting myself or something. With my regular harm thoughts, yes my thoughts will feel like “demands.” Like a command to do it. And yes, it will feel like it’s something I want to act on. It will feel like I want to act on these things and that I want to be that person. That was actually an obsession of mine, that I “wanted” to be a bad person and I did not want to get better. I just wanted to continue feeling this way. Also I understand wondering “what’s stopping me from acting on these things.” I actually made a post on here before about that. It’s a question I don’t think anyone can answer. I’m feeling low and a bit hopeless too at the moment. But I still have that bit of hope on me, because I remember how I was before this. I have my memories that show me my true self. I have the support of my loved ones, even when my OCD attacks them. I know there is help out there and that I’m not alone. This is a brain disorder and it’s not something that just goes away. It’s learning to cope with it and moving forward as best we can. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe we will lose control tomorrow? Maybe our thoughts will come true? But I want to focus on the present moment and live according to my values, the values I know deep down define me and what I truly care about. My brain will try to tell me differently, but I know better and I know you do too deep down. You’re just really stuck right now. You will overcome this though.