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I want to find the off switch, my brain is so determined to convince me of things that are just not true. But I just don't understand, I know deep down they're not true.. so why am I so desperate to prove it? I'm literally at my wits end

Hi everyone. I (30F) have been struggling with “fear of schizophrenia” OCD for a very long time now. This theme certainly comes in waves for me, but even when I'm not experiencing it acutely, it is always in the back of my mind. I feel like I can never truly plan for anything because soon I will be psychotic, so it won't matter anyway. I live my life in constant, abject terror that I am indeed becoming schizophrenic. At this point, I truly think that I am. Before I go further, I will mention that I have extreme health OCD, as well as some harm OCD and contamination OCD. Prior to this year, I used to think I had every deadly illness in the book. I used to go to the ER for every ache and pain, for every sensation that felt unusual to me. I worked through a lot of that but I cannot seem to apply those same skills to this theme. This started in 2020 when I had a strange thought like "what if there are cameras?" and while I KNEW that there weren't, the fact that I had such a thought at all made me fear that I was becoming psychotic. I later started paying more attention to my mind pops and hypnagogic hallucinations and it has been downhill from there. Still, I had kept this fear to myself and under wraps for years until December of 2023. I woke in the middle of the night and as I was scrolling on reddit, I noticed a post to the tune of "What is the scariest fact you know about the human mind?" and the top one was about dementia. Someone had linked a free cognitive test called MindCrowd to test for dementia or mild cognitive impairment. I decided to take it and, being half asleep, scored miserably on it. I decided I was too young for dementia so this was definitely the onset of schizophrenia. Since then, I have taken dozens of cognitive tests and scored very very well on them, including up to about 3 days ago. I do not have cognitive impairment. I am still intellectually and cognitively intact. I have no family history of schizophrenia or any psychotic disorder (although OCD runs in my family). I have OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have a lot of symptoms that make me believe that I am entering psychosis. I'll list them below: **Pareidolia -** This one is the one that is the most distressing to me right now. See r/pareidolia for examples of what I am talking about. At some point in the past, I read that pareidolia is a symptom of schizophrenia. For a few years now, whenever I think of this fact, I become vigilant of facial patterns in things. I am at such a point of hypervigilance about pareidolia right now that no matter what I look at, I can guarantee that I will be able to find a face pattern in it. I am usually actively thinking about pareidolia prior to it happening. If I were heavily distracted, I would most likely not notice it at all. I notice it in everything now. This is one of the most distressing symptoms ever. **Mind pops and brain chatter -** it feels like I have a mental radio. Particularly when it's quiet or I'm anxious, I "hear" a lot of chatter in my head. This can range from the sound of a crowded area in my head (I don't ACTUALLY hear it; I know it's in my head) to random words and phrases like "Tina Tuna" or "dinnertime", etc. I also have songs playing in my head almost constantly. I don't like to sit in silence because of these phenomena. I usually have music or a podcast playing. **Hypnagogic/hypnopompic Hallucinations -** these are heard right as I'm falling asleep. Could be bits of conversation. They disappear when I wake up. **Closed Eye Visuals -** Occur when I'm falling asleep, especially if I'm extremely tired. Can pretty much be anything. **Weird thoughts -** I think this one I do to myself. I'll have a super fucked up thought like "I wonder what kind of music my cat would listen to if he could like music?" and then be like "what the fuck, why did I think that?" **Constant hypervigilance -** Making sure I didn't see or hear something that wasn't there. Asking for reassurance from loved ones that they also saw or heard what I saw or heard. **Brain Fog -** I think this might be stress related but there are times when I become so stressed from my anxiety that I feel like I have no thoughts left in my head. **Afterimages -** Sometimes if I look at brightly-coloured things like lights, I'll see an afterimage of it for a few seconds. *I went to the hospital at the beginning of this week for all of this and an ER doctor, a mental health nurse, and a psychiatrist all told me that I categorically and completely do not have schizophrenia or any prodrome of it.This should have been reassurance enough but it is not. I don't think anything is. I am terrified that I will lose my mind and hurt the people I love. That is my biggest fear in the world. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to live a simple, quiet life with my wife and my cats. I love them so much and I never want anything bad to happen to them. I hate that this is happening to me. I have seen so many stories on this sub about people whose symptoms essentially mirrored mine. Based on post history, a lot of people recovered from this theme. I just can't seem to. This is the worst my OCD has ever been. I can't take medication because I have had horrific experiences in the past on medication. I spend probably 8-10 waking hours a day thinking about schizophrenia, googling, testing myself (such as with the Mask Illusion, which I do still fall for btw), doomscrolling on Reddit, seeking reassurance from basically everyone, asking my family and friends if I seem psychotic, asking if they heard noises or saw things that I had, etc. I have nightmares about it when I sleep. I feel like I’m going to die from the anxiety this is causing me. Last night, I barely slept because I kept dreaming of pareidolia. I’m at the point of feeling like if I stepped outside and got hit by a truck, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing cause I could finally stop worrying about schizophrenia. So, am I schizophrenic? Or is this illness anxiety and OCD? Can OCD trick you into thinking you’re psychotic?

Does anyone else’s ocd really not fit into subtypes the thoughts are all random ?

It’s unbelievable how isolating OCD can be. Lately I’ve just been really bumming out and feeling like nobody on this earth knows who I really am. It gets very tiring feeling like you have to act. I’ve put on a happy face for a very long time and it’s just exhausting. I’m thankful that this app exists and is a place where we can all share our thoughts and feelings and be heard. To anyone else out there suffering in silence, my heart goes out to you.

I feel like OCD is slowly trying to take away everything I love and scare me. I had a thought when I went to eat that my ocd would latch onto my food and scare me so I wouldn’t eat again and it scares me. My anxiety is pretty bad right now I’m just exhausted from this it’s a struggle daily

I’m a woman in my 20’s. I always thought I didn’t want kids but as I get older I’m starting to feel like it is something I’d actually want to consider in the future maybe. There are 4 reasons though that make me feel like I can’t have children. 1. Feeling like there is something wrong with me, like what if I’ve done unforgivable things, what if I’m a freak. My husband and family would tell you this is OCD, but I couldn’t tell you that right now as I’m in the midst of feeling like everything is real. If I truly am an irredeemable freak then I can’t be a mother. 2. I am afraid to pass on my OCD and autism to children. I do believe people with OCD and autism can live full lives and I know because of my own experience I’d hopefully be able to spot it early and know how to get them help but what if they suffer the way I have 3. My safety anxiety and fear is bad enough when it comes to my family, I worry myself to death that they might get seriously ill or in an accident etc, how will I manage coping with those fears with my own children, especially when there is such an added responsibility to these anxieties because I’m the one looking after them. 4. What if pregnancy and postpartum messed with my hormones and brain so much that my OCD was triggered into an unliveable state. What if I’m susceptible to postpartum psychosis because I’m already mentally ill I hate what this illness has taken from me, I’ve spent most of my life feeling guilt and shame and unease, not knowing if I’m good or bad, doubting if I even have OCD. It breaks my heart that my future is going to be ruined too

Today I have been having an okay day. Nothing too bad has happened till I started to get into a deep thought. I started to think about when I was younger. Everything was fine till I started to think about something that happened when I was little( I was about 10). I did something really bad and I haven’t thought about it for awhile. During this moment In my life I did something really disgusting. Now I feel disgusted and uncomfortable, but idk why I did it. It definitely has triggered my OCD. Now I’m scared. I hope I was just a kid who didn’t understand what they were doing. My anxiety is so bad right now.

Im so sick and tired of wasting my life on pointless intrusive thoughts and obsessions this stuff is stupid borderline ridiculous. I have an obsession about trash on the ground can you believe that nonsense this is time wasted that can be for spending time with family and friends living !! I refuse to waste anymore time. I know this isnt going away right away but imma fight it with all my might !!

Another kid in the neighborhood when I was 5, would molest me. I didn't like it. I went along with it. Laughed it off. When I did tell this kid that I didn't want to do that anymore, that she would get snide and insulting and this would go on all day as my mom watched this kid everyday after school. This kid was in the space where a best friend would be. They weren't a friend. Still, as much ss I didn't want her in my life, I would simultaneously worry about her not being my friend anymore, or about her turning other kids against me and I would act out in frightened ways. Telling the other kids not to listen to her. That she liked to say mean things about me. Then I'd freak out that she would find out that I told them that and so I'd try to cover my tracks by saying to her that those kids say things that aren't true. I felt like a sleazy liar, as I was. I was a coward and handled it all horribly. However, when I was with a friend that had nothing to do with her, I was a completely different person. No worries. Just a nice time spent together. However, she sabotaged that friendship by making me feel sorry for her as she wanted to be the other one's friend and I was made to feel guilty about being the other one's friend. That ended horribly. As I grew up I felt very distrusting and paranoid of any romantic relationship and paranoid of other close friend relationships being destroyed. My worst time with OCD was as an adolescent and when my mom was very ill. That's when I had horrible visions and fears of causing harm by just doing simple things. For exampl, if I step on that crack my whole family will go to hell, so I'd have to avoid the cracks even the lines around tiles. Or if I don't humiliate myself right now by for example, raising my hand in class for no reason, or worse humiliation the same thing will happen. Those things lightened up as my mother got better and adolescents passed. However it lingers. It gets in the way of what could be a much better life for myself and my loved ones. I wonder if my OCD was brought on by the situation with the kid my mom watched every day.

I feel like I should confess my intrusive thoughts to my family. And when I will have a partner I think I should tell them constantly

The last few days I have felt amazing! No ruminating! Today out of no where… it came back!!! Why?

Please share some tricks how to reduce the intrusive thoughts.I really cannot afford a therapist right now, so please share some things your therapists have told you to do

I gave into a major compulsion after a major trigger. I haven’t done that in many months. My anxiety spiked because of a trigger. How do you forgive yourself? I feel like a failure. 😞

Is the anxiety still meant to be there? I have so much evidence and it feels like no matter how much erp, I can’t get past the facts and evidence I have from my past memories…. This is so scary, erp is so so hard. Reassurance is easier but sitting with the thought makes me feel like it’s real and I get lost in these thoughts and spiral. Isn’t it supposed to go away? This is why I hate erppppp

I had a hard day today with my mental compulsions, rehearsing and thinking about stuff between me and my boyfriend and brought something up I thought was important. What happens every time I do is that he gets annoyed because it’s a demeanor that is intense as a result of obsessing. I didn’t say anything mean, I know it could have been much much worse, and I stopped talking about it much more quickly than I’ve done previously with going on and on and on. It’s really hard though, I’m thinking about it more, and it’s another reinforcement that it really is the same every time when you think about something all day. I feel like I’m going down a rabbit hole now where I’m thinking about it more after the fact, feeling distress at the uncomfortable thoughts. How do I stop this?

Some examples of my thoughts, images commands, feeling and sensations. Who relates to these? -stomach dropping making my chest tight -rapid heart beat/skipped beats -images of horrible scenerios like driving off a bridge or hurting someone or images of what me “snapping” would look like. -looking in the mirror and getting scared that my face will change into a demon face so I stop looking in the mirror. -looking too long at my son and having to look away so I don’t hallucinate a different face on him (even tho I’ve never hallucinated) -what if you’re a horrible monster and you’re going to off yourself -what if your husband and son are demons -you shouldn’t be left alone with your child in case you hurt them -images and scenerios of me texting my husband while he’s at work and telling him I’m killing our son and then myself (even tho I would literally never do this. It makes me sick to even type it on here) -what if you you have schizophrenia even though you’ve been professionally diagnosed (twice) with ocd -what if the ocd specialist was wrong and you don’t have ocd and you’re dangerous -what if you go into psychosis. -what if you are In psychosis right now -what if you were scared of your hands…?¿ this one is so weird lol -what if that bug isn’t real -what if you hear voices -kill them -they’re better off without you -you’ll never get better - you’re crazy. -this can’t be ocd it must be more -nobody else gets these thoughts and feeling -feelings of scared, worried, uncertain, intense anxiety -fears intensifying at night as I’m drifting to sleep -nonsense thoughts that don’t make ANY SENSE at all as I’m trying to fall asleep -what if you believe people are after you one day like a crazy person -what if you already believe this. What if you are delusional. The list goes on. I hope these help some of you feel not alone if you have them as well

TW: Parent loss My OCD has spiked since losing my mom in March. Like my nesting is trying to find its new obsession to hold onto. Not sure how much more of this I’m going to take.

Hi all, I wanted to share that I am trying hard to exercise frequently with many different sports/activities, but I’m finding that it’s keeping me in my thoughts even worse and making my brain increase and accelerate the unwanted intrusive thoughts passing through. Does anyone experience this/ and have recommendations to combat this? I need to exercise not only to get healthier but I also want to enjoy it and not dread it with the seemingly increased OCD thoughts and compulsions/rumination it causes. Thanks! 😊

OCD makes me feel like I’m holding in the biggest secret about myself and I don’t deserve happiness. I feel red faced and nervous all the time, when the thoughts come on it feels like a big rush of “truth” hits me and I can’t not believe it

Does anyone else feel like your OCD goes after everything that’s important or precious to you? Like if you have a dear memory of something, your mind will try to tell you why that’s wrong or bad even when you know it’s something perfectly pure and a happy memory. I feel so beat up by this illness.. it steals my joy. Only Jesus can help me, only he knows just how bad this torment in my head is.