Welcome to
the NOCD Community

And even a bit angry when trying to stop ruminations and compulsions and how long should I expect to feel this way?

Hello again, I need help because I feel like I made a terrible mistake when I was child. I saw my brother topless through a reflection of computer screen and I remember like I was looking knowingly. Now I feel like I need to talk about it with him to do my compulsion but I am experiencing obsessions about my family for the first time and I can't talk about this mistake because it is harmful for my family and I love them. Do you also experiencing something like this? Do you feel exteremely guilty about something you did in the past and can not stop thinking about it? I don't know am I a bad person because I am hiding this mistake from him? But also I can't talk about it. How can I get over this situation?

Anyone experienced something like this? I was never diagnosed with depression. However lately idk if my ocd is trying to latch on another theme but its questioning whether or not im depressed. Im scared of depression. The feeling in my stomach makes me think its depression. But the same feeling in my stomach is also one I feel with OCD flare ups. I did research symptoms of depression and was self checking. Anyone else experienced this?

im very. tired. just drained. the past four or so weeks have taken everything out of me. the energy, drive, hope, etc. i would love to believe it's tied to school (im in my 4th week) but honestly its been the only thing keeping me from js throwing in the towel on everything (not saying in a self harm way, i mean as in js completely giving into the depressive episode). cant trust my dad. cant trust my mom. was already the case before, but gets worse and worse every single day. as in remembering or finding out abt things that fundamentally change the way i see them as people, let alone as parents. nobody in my family is aware of the actual details of my mental health/illnesses. not to say i want everyone to know everything, obviously NOT, but i don't have anyone to go to as my symptoms worsen, knowing i will either be called a liar or they'll tell everyone else. same with friends. not that i don't trust them, but im scared it'll either scare them away or they won't know what to say and ill be left feeling more alone than i already feel. im ashamed and im terrified of myself, of all the years ahead of me people keep talking about, unaware that everytime i think of the future, i think of the fact that some of my more severe symptoms/illnesses will never truly be gone. in fact, inversely, much is expected to worsen. im trying to act proud. they ask so many questions, and i give answers to appease. but i feel myself spiraling out again and i am so, so, so exhausted. my rituals... the handwashing, the magic number, the taboo intrustive thoughts, the skin picking and now the hair pulling (these two are now taking up most of my days home), etc. and the bpd, this empty pit i feel, these huge jumps between being so angry with someone and a moment later crying myself sick because i feel bad about the anger and interpret everything as rejection or conspiracy. then there's the visual and auditory hallucinations, the constant nagging in the back of my head telling me im being watched, im only acting human, everything i am saying is untrue and someone else is acting through me, unaided by the dizzying jumps from dissociating, depersonalizing, and hyperawareness... even writing this, i keep thinking i am lying. i am lying, everything i do is false, orchestrated, action taken through me from someone or something external, it's taking everything out of me. i can't sleep, then i sleep too much. the addiction, too. im not going to, nor do i feel necessarily the urge to, harm myself. im just tired. very tired. thinking of harming myself, actually, feels like such a waste of time and energy. i just want to let the world pass me by, drag me along with it, let it take over. ugh.

Should I put videogames?? It's one of my favorite hobbies And it used to keep me from obsessing and from overthinking But I had an ocd flare 3 weeks ago and idk, my life just hasn't been the same, I feel panic, anxiety, things just doesn't feel the same, I haven't been able to play video games since I feel they could make me more anxious Is it ok to quit them??? Or should I try keep playing??

i’ve been posting a ton on here recently. my OCD is taking over. recently i’ve been playing this game on my phone for hours at a time for the last couple of days. today when i was about to fall asleep all my mind could picture was the game and all the features of the game. i couldn’t change it to anything else it always went back to the game , maybe bc i was focusing on it?? then i woke up and i thought it would be better because i did not dream about the game but now when i close my eyes for longer then a blink i still see a vivid image of the game and the features. it’s freaking me out and my ocd is telling me it’s gonna start happening when my eyes are open too. has anyone experienced this?

I’m going through one of the worst OCD spells in months. It sucks when you were doing so well but it hit you like a freight train. Like you think it’s over but it just comes right back stronger and more overwhelming. I keep thinking that maybe I don’t have OCD and I’m just making excuses for myself. Like “Oh I’m having OCD because of my period” “Oh it’s because I’m stressed” “Oh it’s the weather”. It feels too convenient! Like there’s always something that can cause it to trigger. It makes me feel like I’m mentally unstable and just making excuses for myself. It’s like I’m in a infinite loop of constant guilt and anxiety. It’s so tiring. I wish I could be normal and happy 😞

I’m not sure what to label this under or if this is OCD. I just downloaded this app, have been diagnosed with OCD previously (no sun category) and just want some sort of help. I work as an auto tech in a small shop for the last 8 months (3 workers including myself). The boss and my superior are childhood friends (now in late 40s) and im 25, newly married and have a 18 month old. When they are stressed, especially my boss, I immediately jump to its something I did. So I seek out affirmation that it’s not and I feel it comes off annoying and like im not mature or just plain sensitive, which I know I am. I texted him last week apologizing for a mistake I made on a job and even called him about 3 hours later after not getting a reply because it was absolutely debilitating thinking that I’m going to get fired or how disappointed he was. He told me that it was ok and I needed to improve on not making mistakes as often and assured me he wasn’t thinking about firing me. Flash forward to this week he’s been stressed just about everyday with what seems like clients and a bigger job we have coming down the pipe and it’s driving me crazy that he’s not in the best mood and pretty snappy. I’m obsessing over the thought of being a disappointment, that I’m not going to be good enough to keep around and my questions and mistakes are what is aggravating him. Im afraid of losing my job and not being able to provide for my family or that my mistakes and frequent questions have put him in a weird position of not wanting to keep me around. It feels like I can’t breathe or think when the people around me are stressed and in a bad mood, and I can’t solve it for them. Thank you for reading this far, I feel alone and like I’m losing my mind. I bawl crying when I have moments alone in the gym or shower, I swallow it and smile to be there for my child and wife but my insides are inflating with fear and stress of performing to par at work and being enough for my boss and family. Has anyone experienced this, how do I get over this. Im on venlaxafine, propranolol and lamectal for anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve been like this in previous jobs, I just feel like this until everybody at work is happy, then I’m happy, until there’s another stressor for them and I’m right back in this boat. Thank you so much

Hi all, I’ve just very recently gotten diagnosed. A month ago, I barely even knew what ocd was, and I’d thought my whole life that I was just strange. It’s now starting to feel like the more I learn about this disorder the more it seems like every single aspect of me is ocd; I’ve even been doing mental compulsions as early as 7 years old and I don’t know or remember what it’s like to be “normal”. Does anyone else struggle with this? Not being able to identify a “self” outside of the disorder?

(18+ only) How do you cope with that feeling of not being deserving of good things? This event is from when I was 18-19 (I don't remember the exact age, I think 18). I was scrolling on tumblr reading NSFW anime comics and looking back one of them had underage characters. I dont know how I didn't realize because it was super obvious, they didn't even look like adults or teens but I didn't think twice about it because I wasn't seeking out underage stuff and it had lots of likes so I just read it and kept going not thinking twice about it. I mustve thought it was the art style or something, I have no clue how I didn't realize or register what i was readinf. I also think I have a false memory of saving a repost of it to my drafts. I'm pretty sure I only read it once and then scrolled on, but my OCD is telling me I saved it. I keep looking back feeling like I did something incredibly unforgivable. I dont know the legality of it either and I feel like a secret criminal. I don't know if my OCD is blowing this out of proportion but I don't feel like it is. Even if it was years ago, I still feel like I dont deserve good things, I feel like I can't be in relationships because they don't know the 'real' me. I feel like people lie when they say I deserve kindness. I'm nervous to tell my therapist too, I don't want to be judged. Idk.

I was recently talking about this with my therapist, and something recently dawned on me! I am wondering if you can resonate. With those who have been suffering from OCD and are aware of its themes and tendencies, have you ever been in the situation where you are entering a situation and in an attempt to prevent thinking about a thought you fear you might have in a familiar environment ( because you’ve have it before and expect it to come up again) only to get hit by that very thought you were trying to avoid. For example, I might have be driving and before I go think to myself “ don’t think about hitting someone don’t think about hitting someone” only to literally eventually trigger the exact fear inside that thinks I hit someone. Its almost like saying “ don’t think of the pink elephant don’t think of the pink elephant” and then all you do is end up thinking about the very thing you weren’t trying to think about! I have learned that it is sometimes better not to fight to prevent it from coming than just living your life and just being prepared when it does come. Because it’s not if, but when it happens again. Ocd is not smart. It uses the same thoughts and tricks to try and paralyze us in fear. Tries to make us think “ what if it’s real this time?!” Which only reinforces the broken record. Sometimes when you try not to think about something, it only makes you think about it more! Can anyone relate? Instead of being stuck in the probability of the future, I thank God for the gift of being able to remain in the present. Hope this brought comfort if you are experiencing this. It will get better! If the pink elephant comes, don’t throw fuel to the fire and wrestle with it. Acknowledge it , and refocus your attention on something new. You got this! Jesus’s girl 🩷

I constantly worry that no one likes me. Did grow up as the scapegoat but my parent passed away 7 yrs ago and now I have been in therapy as well as my mom but my other two siblings refuse therapy. So there has been some healing between me and my mom which I’m happy about! But I’ve also been scapegoated in friend groups mainly bc there will be one jealous friend and then they try to get everyone to go against me. Anyway I have met a few friends here and there that have really impacted my life in a positive way. However, I can’t help but ruminate on how “everyone doesn’t like me” and then I go down a rabbit hole of searching on tik tok, google and Reddit trying to find some magical answer as to what is “wrong with me” and why I have issues with people even some family and yet there is no answer except that people just project their negative feelings onto me, and many other people have experienced that as well. But yet I still keep feeling like there’s something innately wrong with me. Even my therapists validates my experience and has taught me boundaries and explains how I’m not the problem yet I still loop with this thought. I also think this is linked to another ocd thought because I always tell myself I need to hurry up and prove to myself that my siblings can get healthy and I can fix the family dynamic issues and then find a perfect group of friends so I will be “happy” and then I won’t supposedly suffer and want to d*e. By the way I am not suicidal so thats why it’s kind of like an irrational thought. I did have suicidal OCD though but would never do that. So idk? What is this?

Me and my online boyfriend have been broken up for a week because our mental health wasn't going great and we need to focus on our health first. After countless of stress and overthinking of many doubts and waiting for him, I am having many many many unwanted thoughts of a past ex and I have many worries all at once. self harming (hitting my head) is usually what I do to punish or correct my mind for even thinking such thing like ex from 9th grade. But I feel like after hitting my head so much, it made it more worse? TikTok and other social stuff is not helping me rn after seeing "soul ties" of ex's, relationships or mercury retrograde and it worsens. It makes me anxiety more worse. I don't know what to do and I'm more terrified than ever. All I wanted to do is wait for my online bf and believe in the good possibilities and hopes between us especially hope that we would reconcile when we are ready. As you know I really love this online boy and would never cheat or hurt him. Idc if we are apart I will wait for him and still be there for him yk. But my thoughts are so messed up and it's bringing like a feeling or werid emotion :( like a rushy feeling of unwanted excitement I suppose. I'm literally stuck. I'm stuck with these thoughts and I don't know what to do.

It's like sometimes (only sometimes bc im mostly obsessing), I dont care how I feel in that moment. Like Iam numb to anything. There is not happiness or sadness. Like I dont care what happens to me, dont care about my friends, family, life. When I know deep down thats not how I really feel. In reality, I love my life and family so much. I just cant feel it at the moment. My poor husband and kids. I have to keep telling myself that is my OCD and that Iam a good person that does actually care about everything... Its so sad

Eight months ago, I went to dinner with my boyfriend at the time, his teenage daughter, and my friend. I drank way too much to say the least. Anyway, when I woke up in the morning I was mortified and I remembered I was cut off by the waitress. I was so embarrassed that I was that drunk in front of my boyfriend’s daughter. But then my mind started to go all over. I started worrying “what if I did something inappropriate to his daughter.” I ended up staying the whole weekend and spending time with my boyfriend and his daughter. They all assured me I had done nothing wrong but I still had the feeling like I did do something. Then a few days later, I was talking to my friend and she told me I went to the bathroom with the daughter by myself while at the restaurant. This of course convinced me that I must have done something wrong and that my initial fear had to be right! Of course I was reassured again by my boyfriend and his daughter that I didn’t do anything bad. My boyfriend and I are no longer together (was amicable). I am still feeling like something bad happened. I cannot shake it. I keep thinking I did something inappropriate which is completely contrary to who I am. I am worried to be happy because I feel at any minute it will be taken away and I’ll be arrested. I can’t get over this. I try to accept uncertainty but I just can’t seem to get there.

I keep having unwanted sexual thoughts or images in my mind and its really stressing me and my compulsion is to avoid and block the tought the thing is that i am a believer i dont and if do erp i am supposed to facd my thought and let myself think abt it but my rocd male me feel that i will have sins and that i can not let myself think such things so idk what to do abt this sexual thoughts

Does anyone else get moments of feeling like they are not normal or like they can’t connect with anyone socially? It’s a little hard to explain but I’ll be fine and suddenly the world feels so far out of reach. I hope it’s not just me. Knowing this is something that does happen to people with ocd would help me change the way i handle this. 😥

A few weeks ago I put up a post asking about what I suspect is depersonalisation after a really bad OCD episode, the main advice I got was to wear the depersonalisation and be okay and happy about it being there and it’ll go away. I tried that and it didn’t work, every time I try to act like it’s not there it just gets worse and worsens the worst part about it that I have been experiencing which is a loss of my identity, it makes me feel even more distant from my identity. I feel like I have really bad brain fog that’s preventing me from being able to process and understand those emotions I was experiencing during that bad OCD episode that made me go into what I suspect is depersonalisation. And just a quick note, I feel like what’s preventing me from going out of this whole depersonalisation is the fact that I feel like my bad OCD episode hasn’t been resolved and processed, I feel like I’m mentally still in that bad episode but physically I’m here right now. Any advice? :) thanks so much in advance.

About 4-5 months ago, I was walking to the grocery store and I noticed a tiny newborn pink runt mouse or maybe rat right on the curb. Eyes closed, must’ve just been born, but no mother in sight (which is why I assume it was the runt). There were a bunch of cars making the right turn for freshman move-in day at the college I live near. I had a dilemma — should I take this rat out of harm’s way and put it on the sidewalk? But then what if someone steps on it? Since it’s a runt and its mother is nowhere to be found, wouldn’t it just starve to death if I move it and it doesn’t get hit by a car? The only ethical choice was I have to pick it up and adopt it, but then I was like I don’t know how to even care for it and I may just cause more harm by doing that. Also being the stupid people pleaser I am, I didn’t want to “inconvenience” the oncoming traffic of stressed out parents moving in their kids. So I made a split-second decision and I just kept walking. I didn’t pick up the runt. I had a feeling it would get run over, and I almost turned around but I didn’t want people to look at me like what is this weird girl doing (if you can’t tell, I care way too much about what other ppl think of me). Anyways, I was walking back from the store, and of course, the runt had been run over and was completely dead. I feel like it was completely my fault for not picking it up and adopting it and I feel like I manifested the car to run it over too bc I had the thought that it would. I still think about this every few weeks or so, and I feel like a murderer. The guilt I feel about this event weighs so heavily on me. I have considered adopting a pet rat to “undo” my immoral behavior, but I know the regret and guilt would keep coming back even if I compulsively rescued a rat and it wouldn’t even be enough. What do I do?

I just recently started Zoloft and all of the sudden it’s like all my OCD is gone… which is a good thing, but it makes me feel like I made my OCD up in my head? Im not sure if that makes sense, but I’m just not getting triggered by the things I used to get triggered by. I’ve only been on it for a week, I am just curious if anyone else has experienced this?