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i hate ocd i hate the control it has i hate the inability to distinguish real from fake i hate the immense guilt i hate it feeling like a horrible person

I have this issue that I need help with and I would like to hear if anyone else has gone through something like this along with any tips. A few months back I had what was arguably my worst OCD episode in my whole life, it lasted a whole week, in this week I felt nothing but constant anxiety and obsession over this thought, it was like nothing in life mattered except this thought and that lead me to really become disconnected from what’s around me and become so occupied in my own head. After this week, I felt extremely numb and disconnected from myself and my identity which lead me to go down a spiral of disconnection and I had a lot of nostalgic sadness due to thinking “I miss the old days when things were so simple and I didn’t have severe ocd” and this caused me to become very sick of ocd thoughts to the point of suppressing them. Now it’s been quite some time and I have become much calmer but I still feel 2 main things from this extremely bad OCD episode that have stuck with me. 1) I feel extremely disconnected from my identity, my thoughts and emotions, I cannot name my emotions nor embrace them anymore and I can’t think straight (brain fog). 2) that sense of continuous background anxiety that I experienced in that week in my bad OCD episode has stuck with me and now I feel that anxiety all the time for no particular reason along with feeling dull, sad and disconnected. I feel like I have unresolved emotions and experiences from all this but at the same time I feel like I can’t point out anything specific that is causing me to feel this way. I have searched up symptoms for generalised anxiety disorder because of my continuous anxiety but I do not seem to match any of the symptoms, in fact I currently never feel anxious about anything except things related to my bad OCD episode. Please do not hesitate to leave any helpful comments if you have any :) and thank you in advance.

I don’t even know what to think or do anymore. I just think my fears are true and I’m in denial about it. I’ve been struggling with school and motivation for awhile now. My parents and family are amazing and have been paying for my education and I keep messing up. I am super lazy and I miss lectures, and I keep always telling myself I’m going to do better and end up barely passing at the end of the semester. I know we aren’t our thoughts but we are our actions and I feel like I choose to live content with being a burden and selfish. The fact that I choose to listen to the thoughts in my head and do compulsions shows that I really don’t care about being better because if I did I would just do it. I always keep thinking at this point that the morals that I had before OCD 3 years ago are gone. I keep questioning if I am not acting on the thoughts because that is my values and who I am or if I am just not acting on them because of luck. I don’t know if I am not acting on them because of how I feel rather than how acting on them would harm others. I am just so weak, and I don’t know if I deserve to live the rest of my life. And I feel so fucking guilty for saying this but there are times where I think about all of this and it doesn’t motivate me to change at all and I just can’t stand myself for that. I just feel like a sociopath who is constantly whining and complaining and screwing up. I used to feel like I did compulsions because I cared about protecting people and now I just think my compulsions are centered around my own selfishness and anxiety. It’s like there are times where I’m not trying to prevent myself from doing something wrong or trying to make sure that I don’t have bad intentions which is so messed up with the thoughts that I have.

I know i posted alot in the past 24 hours, but i didnt got any replies to those posts, and now this is like an update to those so i can share what i experienced, maybe i help others and maybe others who went through this can give me advice. I realized my interpretation is really bad and videos sometimes harms that cause everywhere you hear working on your deep problems, maybe a trauma is there or youre depressed, another mental health problem and i was afraid od this years that im depressed, i have trauma or something, im actually suicidal, i could go there to be the same mindset as a suicidal person and in conclusion, im not different thab others, i can have the same problem, and this is a huge fear for me. Usually i use as a reassurance that im not like that, everyone is different, but it doesnt help cause i do realize i just say it to not be afraid of it. Which discribes my whole problem. Im afraid to experience emotions or certain thoughts cause in that deep pain or struggling i will think that its me, im that person, if i experience a hopeless thought or i want to escape from pain and even die, in that moment i will see it as this is me, and trying to see them as just thoughts it would be hard and what always happens is that i feel like if i say its not me i do it to avoid it. Its basic ocd but you know that feeling, what if im really avoiding accepting it cause im afraid to say its a real problem and i dont want to see myself as a person having that problem. So my interpretation of thoughts and emotions is really bad...when i experience a really bad emotion or thought i think "its because maybe im depressed, i have trauma, or i do believe that im actually suicidal or i can become that" and im just spinning and cant deal with the real problem. Sometimes im even afraid to say theres a real problem cause i start to panic. I noticed im afraid to experience a difficult experience, and i thought its because i get hopeless and then i think im suicidal, but its not hopelessness is what i feel, its actually panic, im panicking cause my mind says "this situation might be hopeless, i dont want to feel hopeless, we need to find the solution quick" and the same time im struggling accepting if i have to accept that i feel hopeless or not... its totally broke(my interpretation of things). I easily get lost by these thoughts that what i experience is because im avoiding depression, im avoiding a trauma and this is how it gets outside, or that im actually suicidal but i just use fake positivity by thinking its ocd and not me, and when i have a problem its because i dont work on these, i avoid them, i say its ocd when its not. It will be hard work to change these, expecially that i still feel like if i dont accept these as real problems im still avoiding them. Im still afraid of experiencing strong emotions and thoughts cause i still get lost in them and i misinterpet whats the real problem, and i think the real problem is that i didnt learned how to handle thoughts and emotions, thats why i believe those that are strong, like strong nevative ones.

I am generally optimistic about my OCD recovery but today I am feeling very hopeless. It feels like I may never recover from it and that it’s a life long punishment.

Just now I was thinking of all the times I was at my sisters kindergarten and after proving that I haven’t done anything inappropriate there I suddenly remembered when in November there also was some event there and I had to walk somewhere different to go to the toilet. And now my brain keeps bothering me with the thought „what if you graped sb on the way there and forgot?“ and like, this is abt last November. And I know for 100000% sure I hadn’t. I remember my entire way there, I even remember details abt people being around some water fountain and lighting candles. Like I remember everything. And there were people all around me too. I remember using my phone after using the toilet too. And I remember I was also going for a walk and my brain keeps being like „but what if I graped somebody on the way there?“ and like, I remember almost the entire walk I went on. I also remember seeing two people and an old couple talking and listening to music. It doesn’t make any sense and ik I’d def remember if I had actually graped somebody but my brain won’t leave me alone I just can’t keep false memory ocd up I hate it all so much. Whenever I’m like „I gotta stop thinking abt it, I KNOW I didn’t do anything.“ my brain goes like „but what if I’m risking the change of it being true in the end? And am ignoring it?“ but I KNOWWW it’s not true 😭 But the thought keeps bothering

I had an intrusive thought saying I want to let these feelings for my dad as in sexual an dormant if and just to feel them but I don’t want to so I don’t know why my brain is saying that now I’m scared that I actually do have feelings for my dad that aren’t intrusive thoughts. Help!

Does anyone ever see very triggering stories on the news of something terrible and somehow your mind tricks you into thinking that you are also capable of those acts? I know I would NEVER but somehow my mind groups me into that category and it’s so scary and triggering. I wish I could just let these thoughts pass by but it’s almost like I’m constantly trying to prove that I’m a bad person. I’m sad and tired of this 😭

SO this is a tough one. A while ago I was doing the laundry and I stumbled across my older son's underwear and they had stains on them and out of curiosity I wanted to smell how bad they were, they were gross. Later on I started questioning my self, I then got my younger son's to check and to see if this was some weird fetish and everything was ok. But recently it's come back and I can't stop doing it, it's not just a quick smell, I have to really smell them like the crotch area, Its not pleasurable but I feel like I have to do it to get rid of this urge but I don't even know why the urge is there. I'm terrified because this is my son and I know it's not sexual but my OCD is saying otherwise I do tend to smell everything, my hands, clothes, everything, but the underwear I'm purposely doing it over and over and I'm really worried. Please someone help, is this OCD or am I goingad

Most ppl tell me that I’m seeing reassurance when searching online but it’s rly not.. I miss wanted to understand my thoughts better. It’s so uncomfortable when my thoughts tells me sth but I don’t understand it or it’s giving me so much discomfort. I’ll go crazy from not checking . What shld I do?

I'm having intrusive traumatic memories of when someone sent a p***phile gif in a telegram group out of nowhere. I was traumatised, I saw something that shouldn't ever exist, I remember condemning him and then leaving the group. It was many years ago. I'm starting to even remember the details, it's traumatic. I wish I could erase this memory. I was a child too and I even forgot this shit happened, a lot of years passed by and I developed pocd and I've been healing from it but I'm just remembering this unsettling and disgusting event just now and I keep having flashbacks of it. I feel guilt. I understand it wasn't my fault but I wish that never happened in my only life; I got marked by this event forever, nothing changes that. How am I supposed to go on with my daily life aware of what happened? It's ingrained in my memory. How can I ever be intimate again? How am I supposed to practice erp with this fucked up stuff? I'm lost. It's too much. Others triggering memories are returning. I wish the victims are doing okay and I hope that those who are responsible, and that person who sent that stuff are burning in hell. Trust your parents when they tell not to chat with strangers at a young age. I learned the hard way and now I'm dealing with the permanent and irreversible consequences.

My OCD has been a little better since I started this whole journey with therapy. The one thing I’m really struggling with is my anxiety. It used to be that my anxiety was fueled by OCD thoughts. It seems to have shifted though to just everyday life. I don’t even feel like I’m thinking about anything yet I have fear everywhere. I feel like I don’t know how to tackle this as it’s new territory. Living with this all day long fear has really started to take a toll depression wise. Just curious if anyone else has had a period like this. Any tips would super help.

Im on the verge of panicked spell and i don’t want to do that while in still at school- this is really long im sorry i just need help Since yesterday I was randomly reminded of a random horrible memory. I was a family bbq and i was supposed to have fun but then my brain made me remember two horrible things that since then i cannot stop obsessing over it. I keep trying to calm myself down but i simply can’t, i try to rationalize but my brain keeps thinking over wise. Basically my brain decided to remember something a really old toxic friend of mine told me when i was younger.(about 13 maybe) i asked them to accompany me to a family members wedding party and we were standing in front of my older family members table by the dance floor. All of sudden, unprovoked-this leans in my ear and tells me one of my beloved family members that i love so fucking much is “staring at my a**”. Obviously i was in shock and quickly said no they were not-i paused for a long time because i was scared of the possibility and turned around to face them. They were staring at this “friend” i had with me very clearly. I look back to them and say “they were staring at you-they don’t know who you’re-“ then they go on and say “why did it take you so long to answer?” and i remember wishing i told them to call their mom and go home. I wish i ended the friendship right then and there. I was and still deeply afraid of this because years later when i was like- 15 maybe-me and two beloved family members(with the one my “friend” accused that awful thing of) were standing with me for a photo and as they reached to hold my waist their hand accidentally grazed my butt, not a grab just a graze then as soon as that happened they held me between ny other family member. Then the picture ended and i remember feeling so fucking defeated-so horribly sick and ill god typing it im shaking now-i remember i told me parents crying because the first thing i thought of when that happened was what that “friend” told me and i was so scared because they were “right” my parents told me that family member would never do that to me because they love and and they wouldn’t do on purpose which of course i want to believe but i was just so scared that that “friend” wad right about everything they told me. I didnt mention it but they’re a huge part of why my s*xual ocd is so fucking bad and a big reason i had a fear of male family members hurting me or worse-it was and still is horrible even though i thought i got better until this happened. Do i think what happened was on purpose i dont think so because this family member has taken care of me since i was born and i love them and other family member so much-i dont want to believe that but all i think about what that kid told me-ill never forget it. Please help me i don’t know how to calm myself or work through ny issues i just wish i could forget everything. Please and thank you.

I’ve got Pure O and my compulsions are tricky to identify sometimes. But how should I feel when I’ve successfully resisted them? Trying to sit with the anxiety and the dread!

For the last 13 years I've been told I have a severe panic disorder, along with every other anxiety disorder in the book, and while I definitely do, No meds have ever helped & after seeing many therapists/psychiatrists, etc, I'm finally seeing one that, withing minutes, asked me if anyone has every tried to treat my OCD first, instead of the panic & anxiety...... Up until that point, I was unaware I had OCD. After more sessions with the Dr, & my own at home research, I could cry. Every weird "quirk" I have, they way I think, what I was always told was hypochondria......it's all OCD. I'm baffled. Anyway, my doctor wants me to try a medication called Luvox (Fluvoxamine). From what I'm reading, it's a pretty common med for OCD. I'm also, however, reading that it can interact with just about everything. I'm not a huge fan of taking daily medications. But, if it could potentially make me feel better, I'll absolutely give it a shot. So my question is, if you've taken this, has it helped? Is there anything I should be aware of? Good things? Bad things? I've googled, but I'd rather hear feedback from actual people who've taken it. Sorry I'm ranting and this is so long, this is a new journey for me, and I'm a little nervous!

Does anyone else suffer from the lack of motivation to do anything but obsess, that they lack the initiative or desire to take care of themselves. Such as proper bathing, etc. I always thought OCD was cleanliness and order, but my life is chaos, anxiety and misunderstandings and conflict in my home life. They think I initiate the conflict, but I only react to how I'm being treated to due to my OCD/anxiety, but they treat me as if nothing is wrong with me and are not supportive at all. Every day is a repeat of the day before. A never ending downward spiral. I'm convinced at times, I've seriously somehow unleashed demons that are oppressing my life and my especially my mind, and it scares me to death. I feel like I'm spiraling towards an abyss and once I plummet into it, I will be lost to true insanity. I used to take such pride in taking care of myself and things. I was constantly tidying, arranging, straightening things out of order. Now it's like, I'm exhausted from being in fight or flight, but I still suffer from the crippling anxiety attacks. Highly agoraphobia, so I leave the house only for doctors appointments and the like. I have no friends. It's a very miserable life. I've lost all hope. I posted a short, yet rambling bio as my first post. Hopefully, someone can relate to it and this post! Hugs to you all, Liz

Hi Everyone! I've had OCD starting at a very young age after my Grandmother had a massive stroke in front of me with me alone at home with her at age 6, a few weeks away from turning 7. She passed away on my 7th birthday. Soon after I struck with a mysterious illness that had the doctors baffled and they thought I may have leukemia. After a month (I really have no concept of time at that age, but my parents say I was in the hospital for a very long time. It began with major health anxiety obsessions and severe weather anxiety obsessions due to natural disaster films being shown in elementary science class. It was so bad, my parents had to request that I be removed during those films, and I was taken into a back room in the school library and made to watch The Dukes of Hazzard. Back in the early 90's, (age 9 or 10 for me) someone made the prediction that a devastating earthquake would cause so much catastrophy and d**th. I began collecting water into old soda bottles and our whole laundry room was filled with these bottles. Those type of obsessions are still prevalent, along with other ones from childhood I haven't mentioned. Today, I am obsessed with the state of our world. Obsessing over all negative things. I live near an airport so I can tell when it's a military jet flying over... by the sound and speed. I have an app on my phone that is a flight radar so when I hear that, no matter the hour, I check the app to see and when I see it was definitely a military jet, I go into major anxiety... "we are at war now..." I watch the news and check the news and other informational podcasts to try to reassure myself, but at the same time, I feel defeated. Like giving up. I've also really let my hygiene go. I feel so disgusting. It's a combo of irrational fear and just emotional and physical exhaustion and sometimes, I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm not s***idal or harming myself at all. I'm just so depressed. It's just so hard on a daily basis. I can't even leave my house anymore. I'm a recluse for the most part. I went through this in high school and had to be taken out in 11th grade. I just couldn't cope there anymore. Constant anxiety attacks. I do have intrusive thoughts all day, every day. None of the compulsive handwashing, counting... except for certain numbers have to selected for meaningless things, but very real for me. I have no support at home. My friend and boyfriend that I live with escalate matters. I don't think they truly understand my condition. Does anyone else suffer in relationships with friends, family and significant others? This is just a bit of my story. Does this kind of OCD resonate with anyone else in particular? Thank you, if you've read this far. I'm excited to be here. Respectfully, Elizabeth (Liz)

I’m really struggling these past couple days. I had a thought like “what if my anxiety turn into happiness? Or what if this isn’t anxiety what I’m feeling? Like whose to say what anxiety is? What if this feeling I’m having towards harmful intrusive thoughts is happiness, thus meaning I like the thoughts or want to act?” Idk I feel really deep in the rabbit hole. Like I’ve thought myself to no return. Constantly checking and thinking about my feelings. I’m numb. Can’t remember coping skills. I feel very confused. I’m having obvious distress and anxiety but I keep thinking what if I think that’s a good feeling or happy feeling? Because like my brain is all twisted up. Idk. It doesn’t make sense

I ruminate or spiral about my current job and career. Should I stay in my job? Should I leave? Do I even deserve this job? Is this job helping me grow? I constantly think about past job failings or times I felt I was treated unfairly or not respected. I always constantly question if I want to stay in this career at all. What I should study next? Will it even be worth it? Etc... Does this sound like OCD? I end up studying something new but then spiraling and rumination prevent me from putting all my eggs in one basket to follow through. The entire time I was in college...I cried everyday and questioned my career. Before I entered college I spent over 2 years obsessing over what career to choose. What is this???

On Friday, I went to a used car lot to look at a truck. I work from home Fridays and the place wasn’t open on the weekend so I decided to go during the day because it was the only time and my lease is ending soon. Keep in mind I’ve never bought a used car so this was my first experience at a used car place. When I got there, it was just this 3-bay garage on a corner with cars on a lot. I was about to just drive off but I had driven 45 minutes and I thought I would face my fear and go in. They had the truck I wanted to see pulled out front and asked if I wanted to take a test drive. I said sure! But they needed to take a picture of my drivers license. At the time I didn’t think twice about it because I know they need to protect themselves. However, now I am so worried they have a picture of my driver’s license on their phone and are going to steal my identity and commit crimes with my information. I am so MAD at myself for even going. I have no idea what to do. I cannot stop thinking about this. I spent all weekend worried sick.