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the NOCD Community

Hi I can’t afford therapy but feel I have ocd but don’t have a diagnosis I’m constantly changing my mind about whether I’ve got ocd or not so I’m stop stating erp therapy that I do alone. What can I do?

I’m getting thoughts that I’m following women. I did see a nice looking woman on my way to the river and I did go a bit like a meerkat but we went in separate directions. Now I’m sitting by the river being paranoid that I’m staring at white women… I’m white. I’m thinking the women are too young too when they are well past it being an issue even if I was interested. In other news the flower children at the river were eating thali and I said hello so I got POCD exposure. I’ve promised then chalk whenI get paid and every day they are asking for chalk lol. The chalk will cost £1 for forty coloured sticks. They can make extra money drawing for tourists and it is a bargain for me. I’ve told the tea stand nearby that he should sell chalk as I’m sure the children would continue to get chalk long after I move on that way. I honestly feel like I’ll be in the news rn and they will use my messages and social media as evidence. I know I have had a lot of caffeine and I said this would happen.

on the daily i shower for 2-3 hours. i dont understand why but i spend so much time being paranoid of being dirty or touching something dirty in the shower that i constantly keep washing nonstop. i spend like 20 minutes washing my hands in the shower before i even touch my shampoo, then after i finish my shower i spend 20 more minutes washing my hands. i also developed a bad habit of cleaning the knob that controls the water because i believe it is very dirty. this is very exhausting and hard to live with, so can anyone share some advice?

I read multiple articles on false memory ocd an now I’m confused. I actually thought that false memory ocd is marked by things that are actually completely fabricated by the brain. But I keep seeing things like „an event that may or may not have happened“, does this mean that it could actually be true? Are there any ways how to find out if what you’re going through is real if it’s an actual bad act? Because for me I have been completely focused on false memory ocd lately and while I was ruminating on another one, I suddenly got an image of sth even worse that could maybe be like 7 or 8 months ago. I never remembered this happening and for months I’ve been convinced I had never hurt anybody but then I got this image. I instantly also thought that this didn’t happen and that I would definitely remember if it had happened because it’s actually horrible and it’s not just something you would quickly do and then completely forget, it’s an actual entire act. And I never was close to that person. But I keep being like „but what if I listened to my intrusive thoughts? But I can’t remember doing that and I even have posts on here from around that time saying I was too afraid of that person and that I would never ever listen to my intrusive thoughts… but what if I tried to get rid of my ocd theme by doing this? Nah that’s not what I would do and I know that… I’ve never done any harmful things just to get rid of this theme this is stupid“ etc etc. Like I keep fearing I might’ve done this and done it for various reasons. But I can’t actually remember doing it. All those scenarios feel like they’re just imaginations. But I can’t let go of it. And usually for memories it’s that with time you start to be able to puzzle it all together trough evidence and u don’t forget bad things you’ve done. For example, I know that like a year ago I pushed my sister while I was having an argument with her. I remember everything from then because in my entire life I’ve barely ever done anything to others and so I usually remember those events almost 100% perfectly. I also remember sth from almost 10 years ago in which I called one of my friends (and ik this is bad, that’s why I remember it) fat. I lost a few details but I still remember what exactly I did and that the exact same day I called the parents and apologised bc I felt bad. But for this scenario, I’ve been ruminating on it for TWENTY days and I’m still in the doubting stage. I have spent hours ruminating by now and I still don’t have any actual memories back, just things like „but what if I was mad and then just did this and instantly forgot about it?“ and all this. But not an actual full scenario of me doing this even though it could only be a few months away. Idk what To do, I can’t continue living with the uncertainty. If it’s real, then I won’t even continue living. People like these are terrible and disgusting and don’t deserve living and everybody can agree on that.

I always feel so lonely and isolated with ocd. I feel like I cannot talk to anybody about it. I haven't told anybody about my worst thoughts, not even my boyfriend who has been so so understanding about it. Then I see this mutual friend I just followed liking ocd posts on Instagram about similar themes to me. It makes me feel so relieved knowing that it's not just me struggling with ocd, and that people I know also have it. Makes me feel not so alone.

Does anyone else obsess about having another panic attack or scan their body constantly for how they feel and if a thought or feeling about a panic attacks comes on, you’re more likely to start to feel panicky?

Has anyone noticed their intrusive thoughts worsening the week before and week of their menstrual cycle? It’s like everything is manageable then all of the sudden I get hit by a million thoughts out of nowhere and it gets me so down. I’m just not sure what to do or how to handle it

Hey, guys. So, I feel like a lot of my scrupulosity ocd is emotions/feelings. Like, I get these impressions and feelings of being evil. I really feel like I am whatever I’m afraid of being in that moment. And I’m really confused by this, since ocd is about thoughts, right? Is that how it is for you guys too?

The thing about intrusive thoughts is that I only push them out of my mind when I know that they’re completely outrageous. When I get intrusive thoughts that are more convincing, I want to make sure that the content of the thought doesn’t bother me before I push it out. And this is what sucks because why is my own judgement not enough? I know I’m a lesbian. I know that I never want to be with a man. Why do my thoughts keep telling me “you like men and you know it” and “the only reason you avoid men is because you still like them and you know it” and “if you were to try a man, you’ll like it and you know it. That’s why you avoid them so much”??? Like bye that doesn’t even make sense. But OCD also hates facts bc as soon as I’m like “FACTUALLY, bitch, the fact that I never want to end up with a man or am even having anxiety about liking a hypothetical and what feels like inevitable future with a man is proof that I’m not attracted to them”, my brain just refuses to PROCESS THAT and just TRASHES it? OCD is SCARY.

Or do they only show up in „what if I did this and that?“ and then create an image? Bc a few weeks ago I was ruminating on another false memory and suddenly I had an even worse image and started obsessing over this but now I’m scared that it’s an actual memory bc it was an image even though I can’t remember doing that and it could only be a few months ago

Hi everyone, this is a very long post, but I want to share my story in hopes of helping others see that they are not alone, and that what they are going through isn’t something that they need to bare alone. Feel free to read if you want-things will get better! 💜 I first encountered my OCD flaring up when I was in middle school around the age of twelve or thirteen. During this time, my primary obsession was the fear that I could or would possibly commit suicide. At the time, I had no clue what was happening and didn’t know anything about OCD (other than believing it was defined as people needing to keep their spaces tidy). Reflecting now, it’s clear to me that this was the first time I had the unfortunate privilege of meeting my OCD monster. I was constantly having intrusive images and thoughts anytime I would see knives—worrying that I would grab one and use it to harm myself. I would create scenarios in my head in in which I pictured myself jumping in front of a garbage truck, or drowning myself in the bathtub. While the logical side of me knew that these fears were irrational, I felt such shame and isolation in having them. The theme subsided after about three months, and I was able to move on with my life without noticing any major flare ups of OCD. Now, this doesn’t mean I wasn’t experiencing OCD during this ‘peacetime’, but the themes were nowhere near as debilitating. For example, I’d have flare ups about random concerns such as obsessing that chest pains could be a sign of heart attack; worrying that I’d developed a brain tumor due to a dizzy spell; worrying that I’d get arrested for accidentally hitting something with my car; etc. While these situations brought on an immense amount of anxiety, these bouts usually dissipated within about a week—for this reason, I don’t consider these to be any of my main nor debilitating themes. One summer day in my high school age—around fifteen—I was watching the local news and a story came on about a soccer coach who was arrested for grooming his players. The story highlighted how much everyone in the community was reeling from this revelation since the coach was such a beloved and respected member of the community. I remember the exact moment when I was flooded with an immense amount of dread and anxiety unlike anything I’d ever felt up until that point. If this ‘upstanding’ community man was capable of something so terrible, what was to say I couldn’t be too? What if I’m just discovering this terrifying aspect of my identity all of a sudden? What would everyone who I know and love think about me? These are just a few examples of the myriad of thoughts that bombarded my mind within just minutes of seeing that news story. The anxiety about this possibility elevated to such a level, that I felt more hopeless than I have ever felt about my future before. I remember leaving my parents a note on their bedside table confessing to them that I was afraid that I was a pedophile because there was no way I would have ever been able to face them in-person and say that. I waited in my room all morning until after they had read the note in hopes that would come talk to me and try to comfort me—which is exactly what they did. While their reassurance made me feel a bit better for the next thirty minutes, eventually I felt that I needed more answers and began Googling. This was when I finally found out about OCD. I felt an immense sense of relief when I realized that this could be OCD, but the monster did not like that I had uncovered it’s nasty secret, and immediately tried to divert my attention by battering me with the though that I was the exception to the rule—that I didn’t actually have OCD. I wasn’t brave enough to start therapy because I was terrified that when I went to my first appointment and told them my thoughts, that they would confirm to me that there is something wrong and that it wasn’t OCD. For about 8 months, I continued ruminating on every little possibility, avoiding children, and feeling a complete loss of identity that I would never wish upon anyone. After finally mustering up the courage to start therapy, I found myself improving after about 2 months, and wasn’t bothered by such thoughts anymore….I was so relieved to be done with that phase of my life, not knowing that the monster would never leave. At this point, I was loving every aspect of life—especially after coming out as gay to my parents during my freshman year of university. Life was beautiful and I felt free of any doubt or fear surrounding who I was. But when COVID hit, my OCD went into hyperdrive with contamination as my primary theme. The pandemic progressed, and these anxieties died down and it felt like life was going to move on. One day later that summer, in August of 2022—about 4 years since ever really thinking about it—the pedophilia-themed OCD was back. I had opened up to a close friend about my experience in high school, and she was incredibly understanding and supportive; but something in my brain triggered from this conversation and the obsession was back. This time, I found a therapist right away, but not knowing that Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) was the proper treatment, I found a psychologist who specialized in psychodynamic therapy. After about 5 months of torture, I did reach recovery once again despite the lack of ERP. Life was good again throughout the rest of university and post-graduation. However, this past May, things took a dive for the worst. After being prescribed what I had deemed a “scary antibiotic” for an infection from my wisdom teeth surgery, my OCD ramped up to the point where I was obsessing over the possibility of having side effects from this medication—even imagining that I had developed peripheral neuropathy from the pills. Less than 48 hours later, I saw a Tik Tok clip of the show To Catch a Predator. Seeing that clip was extremely triggering, and caused me to imagine myself as the person being caught. It was like a light switch was flipped in my brain as the health-related fears vanished simultaneously with the arrival of the pedophilia-themed obsessions. At this time, I was also about a week into beginning treatment using Prozac. For me, the medication ended up resulting in negative side effects that drove up suicidal thoughts, which in tandem with the POCD made me lose all hope in going on. I found myself bargaining and playing mind games to try and solve this problem: I couldn’t be attracted to children, could I? I’ve only ever been attracted to people my own age in the past. But what if something is changing in me now? Even if it is, I could just make sure that I never act on it. No, I can’t even bare the thought of identifying that way. But you didn’t want to be gay at first, what if this is like that? Phew, that guy is attractive. But what if he’s actually younger than he looks? Does that mean I’m attracted to minors? What if the traits I am attracted to in age-appropriate partners are only the traits that I perceive as looking younger? The barrage of thoughts completely destroyed me. Fortunately, I was able to stop taking the Prozac and the suicidal thoughts diminished, but I was still so obsessed over the possibility that I could be a terrible monster. To make matters worse, my career is working with high school students while they are applying to colleges. I see hundreds of sixteen and seventeen year-old students every month. My OCD took this job that I loved, and turned it against me. It told me that I only liked the job because it got me closer to younger kids. It told me that I wasn’t attracted to people my own age. I felt lost and couldn’t tell what was real anymore. After a month of intense suffering, I was able to begin taking control of the situation by finding an OCD specialist, this time beginning ERP right away. As a supplement to my therapy, I also began taking Anafranil, and after a few weeks, I reached a place of pretty solid ground. That was in late-July. Since that time, I have considered myself to be in recovery and have been immensely enjoying my life. However, recovery now means something much different than what it meant when I first began my journey with OCD. Now, I understand that I will probably never be free of intrusive thoughts—no one is—but they do not define who I am as a person, and I am able to enjoy life alongside them. While in my past it always felt that I needed to put so much time and energy into solving the things that worry me, what I have now come to realize is that overthinking never really solved anything. Instead, it took control of my life and made me see negativity anywhere I looked in life. This brings us to today. My experiences with OCD—particularly in the past six months—have inspired me to dedicate my time advocating for OCD understanding and helping others to see that they are not alone, especially because that’s how I know many of you feel. I hope to join the likes of the amazing leaders in the community such as Chrissie Hodges, Nathan Peterson, Stuart Ralph, and so many others who contribute such meaningful work to this community. This entry is just the beginning of my work, and I hope it provides some hope and understanding for others. In the future, I plan to elaborate more on my experiences and share more about living life with OCD. Through all of these experiences, I have come to realize that life goes on. It’s possible to live a fulfilling life while OCD takes the backseat.

This passed December I was diagnosed with severe OCD and it hit me like a whirlwind after watching a movie and then thinking that everything isn’t real and that I am in a simulation like the “don’t worry darling” movie. This was very distressing to me because I was a person who read her bible everyday and every night and then would talk to God through prayer a lot and when this happened it was very difficult for me to pray or open my bible because I thought nothing was real and I made up God in my mind or the person controlling me did to make me think this is real. Shortly after that happened I started having harm thoughts of “oh well if this is isn’t real you could harm someone and then wake up or you would realize if it was or wasn’t real?” like in the “don’t worry darling movie” “Or I am going to have to harm myself to find out or being in Heaven would be way better?” Which ultimately led to crying spells everyday feeling like I was going crazy. I then went to the hospital and got diagnosed and am going through ERP/ACT therapy currently but those thoughts are still very active. And even though my thoughts are active and seem very real I know that there is power in prayer no matter what my thoughts are thinking, so please pray for me to get through this and heal. It’s very hard to see a light. Thank you for reading this and hearing me.

I’ve been stuck in the kitchen for nearly an hour an a half, I was checking my fridge fearing a stray kitten might have gotten stuck inside of it, so while I was checking through the fridge I recorded the foot of the refrigerator to make sure no kitten would jump in while I was focused on looking inside, I reviewed the video afterward and at a moment in the video, a part of the fridge went out of frame and I heard a sound similar to the little thud a cat makes when jumping on or from something, I panicked and immediatly thought a kitten had jumped in the fridge right in the out of frame spot at that moment, I don’t want to have to look through the fridge again, I’m tired and have already spent an hour and a half in the kitchen, not to mention I spent a good portion of that time looking at the door to pake sure ot was closed all the way through, but I feel so bad, what to do?

I'm struggling. So a while back my son was sitting on my lap. He was sitting against my chest. But then I kept getting these groinal things. And I don't remember if I stayed there for a second and that trips me up bad. But what also makes me anxious is it got so intense that I moved him quick. Almost like I was worried I was having an "o" from the sensations of my chest and sitting on my lap. Then what makes me question the "o" thing is when I moved him away I got these weird like pulse feelings that I don't usually get with just a groinal and it happened at least 4-7 times or so. Like back to back. I hate this. I need to know it wasn't. And I also need to know I didn't keep him there for a second. Has any other mom felt like you kept them there for a second because of the feeling? And did you ever worry or question an "o" just from them sitting on your lap, etc. I'm so close to beating this monster 3/4 of the way. But this feels too real to let go of.

A few months ago I had a bad episode where I was sitting next to my mum having intrusive thoughts and I disassociated and put my finger in her vagina. Atleast I think this happened. My mum says it didn’t happen and it’s all in my head. It took me months to get over this happening and now my ocd has latched onto something new and is saying that I raped her again. I don’t know if this happened and I’m trying to practice radical acceptance but it’s hard. I just want to figure it out. I want to know if this definitely happened or didn’t. It hurts me to think I might’ve done something this awful. Please leave any tips on dealing with this in the comments below.

I turned 18 and because of an event ive had recently my ocd has never been worse ever. I cry more i panic more i feel worthless and hopeless i feel like i cause pain and hurt and i feel like i shouldn’t live sometimes-ive spoken to my parents about this event (mostly my mom) and i’ve recently started seeing a counselor. (i need to fix ny appointments) but im asking the adults, does it get better? Do i feel like you’ve reached a goal of feeling good again and going on with your life fear free? Ik ppl still suffer but id like comfort from someone more experienced, since i barely found this out about myself recently. I just need help. To know if my adult life will be good and fun and normal in the future. Does it get better?

Why do i get unwanted thoughts that i don’t ever want to act on but they eat me alive. like “you need to take more medicine” or “you want to hurt yourself” things like that. i never want to act on it or never have but ive had these for years and they will not go away. i get panic attacks from them and they are ruining my day to day life. i’m only 16 and feel like im taking on a hell of a weight.

is it possible for one to have rocd but it also stem from actual issues in the relationship? as my profile stated i have a personality disorder (BPD) which one of the symptoms is short-lived unstable relationships. i also have been diagnosed with OCD. i have been with my current bf for 4 years (in feb) and we met in highschool. my bpd has always been on the severe end and long story short, in june of last year something happened that I did that caused us to almost have to break up. after that i realized i had never been dedicated for any period of time to try and help myself. i was a mess and with my therapist we just started working really hard on trying to get better. and the first 2 years of our relationship was really toxic and abusive but we have moved passed about 70% of those major issues as of today. there were some fights but that was mainly also due to my bf JUST starting to work through all of his mental issues and trauma from his childhood. months went by and i actually started seeing improvement. i didn’t have one single emotional rage fit, i was happier and i thought things were getting better for the good, but in october we both lost our job and a lot of my daily practices that were helping me started to fade away and then we started losing progress again. this year started off god awful with one of the worst fights we had since the incident in june. i’m just now trying to get back on track but i just feel hopeless about the disposition of our relationship. i’m tired of having these fights and i know a lot of the reason is because we let a lot of practices and coping skills go since losing our jobs, but that’s where these thoughts usually start. but that’s why i’m asking this question is because i am having obsessive thoughts about my relationship ALL day and this morning i just broke down. it feels hopeless and i haven’t felt this depressed in over a year. i love him so much. he’s been here through SO-OCD, HARM OCD all of it. all of my terrible actions but I know i can no longer go on like this. so we are going to try and mend and keep working on it like we were. but i have obsessive thoughts all day SCREAMING at me to leave, making a pros and cons list all day sometimes, researching when the anxiety hits me like a train wreck, break up urges all day long, ect. i have posted about this a lot because like i said i think that one event really shook me and i just have a lot of doubt about our capabilities.

A while back my dog sat on my lap and her leg/paw was at my crotch and it felt like I was TRYING to feel smth down there but idk why I think like for a specific reason like to check something or I’m not sure how to explain I just know it felt like a form of checking but now looking back it felt gross and I feel so like bad about it like it was gross or something and I feel guilty but like now I’m scared I might be explaining it wrong but now I’m scared if I’m a zoophile, again it felt like I was trying to feel it in a checking way but I felt gross and I’m guilty about it now I’m rlly scared I can’t stop thinking about it this is a repost bc it keeps coming back to me and it’s making me worry a lot

Sometimes my brain spells out everything I see without me wanting it too