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I believe I done something awful and kept looking for evidence and now I’m stuck with this one piece it’s causing so much anxiety, and I don’t know if it’s true, what I think I done would put me in prison, HELP

I’m newish to ERP, and I’m struggling to passively look at the intrusive thoughts as they come up. I always, without even realizing it, have such an awful reaction to them bc they’re awful, that I just immediately want to push them away. But apparently that’s bad. I just don’t know how to change that. One of the articles I was sent via NOCD said to just observe them as they go by, but I don’t even know how that could look for me. Does anyone else struggle with this or have any tips? Thanks in advance! Hope y’all had a great weekend!

What is it about OCD that gives us huge anxiety when waking up. I have also been sleeping terribly.

Growing up as a kid, whenever I’d get new shoes, a new bike, or just something cool, I always had my friends and the other kids in the back of my mind thinking about how cool they’d think my new shoes are, my new bike is, or my new toy, etc. The thought of them thinking my new item was cool added to the excitement of what It was I was getting (shoes, toys, etc.) In fact, I felt like I wanted them to be jealous of me. I wanted them to have thoughts like, “ugh…she’s so lucky, I wish I had that, etc.” In a way I wanted them to be jealous of me. I was not a mean kid. I had many friends in elementary school, who I am still friends with to this day nearly 30 yrs. later. These were just private thoughts in my head that I gave no thought to. Now as an adult, whenever I go to decorate for Christmas, make an amazing Thanksgiving meal with a gorgeous table, have my master bathroom redone, etc., I still weirdly have those kinds of thoughts in my head of wanting the neighbors to think we have the most beautiful house, or friends and family to wish they had our newly remodeled bathroom. Again, Im a nice person, am often told I am nice, but these thoughts bother me so much that I think that way. They’ve always been background noise in my head since I was a wee little kid and I think they’re just apart of me. Does this make me a sh*tty person? Can anyone else relate?

I have OCD around believing everything I do in life is a show for other people. It’s as of I lost the ability to remember if I decorate my house so beautifully because I like and want others to like it to, or if I decorate my house because I want others to like, and maybe even feel a jealous of me (weird I know.) ots not just decorating my house. Its the car I drive, the way I dress, & putting makeup on. I am known for throwing beautiful thanksgiving and christmas dinners. My table looks like it came right out of better homes and gardens. It really is beautiful. The food is exceptional and the display is always beautiful. I am afraid that I do it all for the attention and praise and that none of it is for me. It scares me so badly. Im dreading the holidays for the first time ever because Im so afraid of this thought. Can anyone else relate to this type of ocd? Thanks!

I am having a terrible time sleeping. I was up constantly and the moment I open my eyes I get an anxious belly, racing thoughts and adrenaline rushes. Sometimes I’ll have diarrhea (sorry for the tmi, but thats how upset my body gets.) It’s terrifying. I have to talk out loud to myself saying things like, “it’s ok, you’re ok, theres nothing you need to do, nothing you need to figure out, you are safe, etc.” Often times Im up for the day anywhere from 3 - 4 a.m. because my mind wont shut off for me to sleep and my body wont calm down for me to sleep. It is so discouraging, & so defeating to start every single day like this. It feels hopeless. Im terrified Im not going to get better and the thought of having this continue on is unbearable. Does anyone have experience with this? Did it get better? I just started taking clonazepam at bedtime for anxiety and i was hoping it would help me sleep through the night but it doesn’t. I also started lexapro (5mg) on Tuesday. Also, did anyone have success with 5mg lexapro? Thank you!

I need to beat this, I will lose my husband if I don’t stop - multiple ways this can happen, don’t need to discuss. I’ve pretended I had my stuff together for so long I’ve been missing some blatant OCD, especially relationship OCD, and it triggers my husband and ruins his progress through C-PTSD therapy. I panic! I can’t co tell myself and I feel like a child having a tantrum but out come the words, the requests for reassurance, the anger at not being reassured etc etc. This type of OCD is my primary right now, but began more as object ocd and magical belief etc (which sometimes are still there). I need to beat this. Or I’ll be forced to suffer the consequences until the end of time.

I’m in a very abusive relationship with someone that has PDA. Literally all I can do is stay in the bedroom and pray that he goes outside to leave me in the filth he creates in a petty manic state within the household. He wakes up IMMEDIATELY hating life and he triggers me purposely by being incredibly rude, loud, stomping, slamming cabinets, throwing trash everywhere… He knows I’m OCD diagnosed and autistic but because I gave up on him and decided to allow him to live in his truth, not have a romantic relationship and NOT be his mother (who’s just as manic bipolar as he is and even more of a hoarder) he punishes me by doing the upmost. It wasn’t like this.. and he wasn’t always on the couch, but he kept getting so upset that I would get up and start cleaning (of course with a passive aggressive attitude over the blatant disrespect of THE ABOMINATION I had to wake up to) while he slept all day until 2pm and say things like, “no one asked you to stress yourself over this!” Pissed that I wouldn’t be in bed, rubbing his back, making his sleep easier after his drugged out night. Doesn’t even care that I SOLELY have our daughter being the ONLY ONE that EVER GETS UP AND CHANGES//FEEDS HER. I’m so tired. 😣😭 I’m SO TIRED. He stabs walls, counters, break cabinets, punches and kicks doors.. I just sit quietly in my tidy room until he leaves but I’m SO FED UP, I let him live in it. I couldn’t beat ‘em.. so I stopped fighting.

Is this a normal, unspoken thing that all of us humans do in order to make friends, connect with others, make them like us, and make them feel we relate to them and they relate to us? - Lets say there is a person you really, really like and admire. You really like being friends with them, they’re just a cool person. They’re always happy, very successful, independent, confident, etc. and they just make you feel so good about yourself. You admire their values and their way of life. You don’t necessarily like the way they dress, but you like them so much that how they dress grows on you, so you find yourself at Target one day, you see a shirt that looks just like something they would wear, and you buy it. You buy it because it reminds you of them. You buy it because in an odd sense it makes you feel like them (kind of like a little boy who puts on a superman costume feels like he’s superman.) You buy it because you want to connect with them. You want them to think, “oh, I love your shirt and they will because it’s something the’d wear.) You also find yourself doing and saying things that they do sometimes just because other people wear off on us, and sometimes just because we like feeling like them. Sometimes I find myself purposely acting like them when Im at home or starting to use their lingo. It’s almost a way of carrying them around with me. Im so worried something is wrong with me or that Im not being truthful to them. Ive been this way my whole life. Have never had a problem making friends/keeping friends. Im 45, have had the same friends since middle school, been with my husband for 15 yrs., have 2 amazing kids. On the outside I am quite normal. I believe people to think Im well put together and have been told so before. I thought I was on the inside as well until OCD got ahold of me 3 months ago. It just tells me Im fake, manipulative (with how I win people over), unauthentic person who tricks everyone in to being my friend or to like me. No, I don’t have borderline personality disorder, and have been evaluated by a therapist. I had a thorough assessment when I was seen for severe health anxiety. Can anyone relate? Thank you!

There is a person whom I like (few momths ago) suddenly i felt sudden fear i am not into him and I liked this other boy and i wake up everyday woth a rush of fear inside of me i can’t know what’s true is it ocd or is me not liking the boy 100% but i really feel he is a good person wbut once i saw another boy i said this is good better looking more rich bla bla and then the whole fear spiraled again

The biggest compulsion of mine is reassurance-seeking. Sometimes I have the urge to ask really strange questions to my friends/co-workers etc. I get really annoyed sometimes at how creative my mind can be to come up with questions that doesn’t sound strange, in order to get reassurances. Currently I’m dealing with false memory OCD x relationship OCD so I’ll feel the urge to ask questions to friends to make sure I’ve not cheated before, E.g. hey have we ever gotten physically intimate before? What were we doing in April when we met? Did we really didn’t do anything inappropriate? which by itself sounds very odd to people. So my mind will try to come up with really creative stories to make my question sound as natural as possible so that I can get my reassurance/answer. (Ha. Nice try OCD) However, I know this is OCD and I know that I absolutely do not want to ask these questions (OCD is bullying me into asking) And it is the strangeness of these questions that is a motivation for me to not perform these compulsions. Because I don’t want to ruin my friendships or cause people to think I’m strange. But I have to admit, it’s not exactly the easiest to stop performing these compulsions. Has anyone experienced something similar?

(sorry for posting so much I just feel safe talking through here I feel less alone. This might be the last post thooo) I said I don't want to be poly yesterday morning. I literally was fine until I started having thoughts of wanting other boys while going to school which was the worst moment ever :(. I started having more thoughts of sharing myself and it's bothering me ALOT. It got worse last night and this morning now. I can't even get away from it. It feels like I want it I don't! I know I don't because I have my only bf! That's it. He's enough there should be no reason to have another boyfriend. I feel like breaking up with my boyfriend because I'm scared of ending up cheating on him or these thoughts not going away. I don't want to think of wanting other boys. I don't want to be poly. These feelings keep saying that I been wanting two boys but no no no. I want my boyfriend only. It's like I messed up and now I have to face the consequences. It's like I have to accept my boyfriend being with other girls. I don't want us to end up being with different people because of these boy thoughts. I don't want us to be open relationship we both agreed on wanting each other. I don't want no other boys why would I want other boys. I made so many promises and I told him how much I only want him. Why now is it telling me I want another boy. I don't understand. Its getting worse and it's ruining my life. I feel like hitting my head again. No matter how many times I explain myself it doesn't stop it gets worse. It makes me feel ashamed, disgusting, upset. i want the same anxiety I have when I overthink of my boyfriend being with other girls. It's unfair to me that when it comes to boys I feel like I want it. And it's so disgusting. It's ruining everything I had with my boyfriend. I DO NOT want another boy. Idc I have my boyfriend. It's like it's stuck in the back of my head. Why are they so easy to accept, I used to be terrified thinking of other boys. I feel like my boyfriend is talking to some other girls and liking her as punishment because of these thoughts I have. It's like every obsessive thought I'm stuck on I have to be punished for. It's either agreeing on those thoughts of sharing my boyfriend to other girls and agreeing he probably has more interest in that girl. It sucks. I just want these boy thoughts out of my head. I have no one to talk to. Why can't I for ONCE in my life only think about my boyfriend and actually feel loyal. I don't want no other boy and I do not care for any other boy (obviously it's not gonna believe me) I hate these feelings I get and I keep feeling like I have to agree. It's getting worse every second. Do I just accept it I never ever accept any thoughts that's with other boys. :<

Ok, so this is a really strange trait of mine, that I have done all of my life, but without ever thinking about it. Now that I have come to the realization of it, I am stuck in absolute ocd over it because Im afraid its so out there, so weird and that I have an unexplainable thing about me. It scares me because if its unexplainable in my mind, that means Im the only one out there with this and that feels scary. It also feels scary to think I view the world so differently. because my whole life I assumed people did this too. That, thats just how we related to people sometimes. Im not going to take the time to write out all the ins & outs as to why this scares me about myself but more so just share what Im talking about to see if anyone can relate to me. Pleeease be nice to me. Ok so since I was a little bitty kid, maybe as young as 4, music has been something that touches me in my soul. I know lots & lots of people are the same way. However, I can hear a song which is mostly classic rock which is what I grew up on, but also pop, soft rock, & sometimes classical. While I hear the song (it has to be a song I really like) I think of a person that I really really like (male or female) and almost romanticize this person (not in a sexual way,) to the music. I’ll get thoughts of them either listening to this song themselves, or thoughts of seeing them while the song plays, or it’s almost like I put them in a video montage in my head while I hear the song. If Im with a person that I like a lot and maybe get fixated on, if my favorite song comes on while Im with them I get really happy feelings. You know that feeling when you visit a place that maybe your favorite actor/singer has been before, lets just say their old highschool or something and you know that you’re walking the same halls that did or you’re touching the same door knob they touched. Sometimes it’s that same feeling of just being with the person when you hear a major banger that you love. It’s like a similar kind of feeling that you’re hearing the music at the same time they are and you’re almost imagining them with the same feelings from the song. (😩😩😩 I fell like this is just getting weirder & weirder and no one is going to understand.) The lyrics don’t have to relate to the person. It’s more so me, loving a song and really being fixated on another person and I can some how combine the two. Even just talking about the song or lyrics with them can also bring up these almost unexplainable feelings/thoughts. Basically, to sum it up, it’s like I will attach deep thoughts/feelings to a person through songs. There is more to it, but I cant find the words to describe the feelings. Is this in deed as far out as I think it is, or is this more a common thing like I grew up assuming it is? Thanks for your input.

The other day I saw a picture of an old friend. This somehow lead to me remembering something my best friend told me a few years ago??? He told me that someone he was seeing lied about their age so he cut them off. this didn’t bother me before because he wasn’t at fault. he’s never been the type of man to do anything inappropriate either. as soon as i remembered this i felt anxiety rush down my back. even the thought of hanging out with him made me anxious but i don’t understand why. why am i suddenly obsessed about this? it’s tearing me apart because he’s the last person i wanted my intrusive thoughts to target. it keeps repeating in my mind & my body is telling me we have to panic because your best friend is a terrible person. i 100% know he’s not a terrible person though. a day or two later i started having “ what if “ intrusive thoughts & kept hearing twisted statements. “ what if he’s a rapist? what if he’s hiding something? he dated a minor so he’s unsafe now “. i learned a few coping skills from a subreddit that has helped me but i still feel stuck. my best friends actions have never made me feel uncomfortable or unsafe so i know in my heart that these thoughts are irrational. background info for everyone to better understand: i’m severely traumatized from my past relationship because my ex told me he sexually assaulted his little brother. i haven’t dated anyone since 2019 because im terrified of someone telling me a similar secret. i obsessed about what he told me for an unfathomable amount of time. since then, i’ve ghosted 2 people who’ve said/done anything remotely close to what my ex did. i tend to do that as a way to protect myself. i’ve been fighting against my compulsions as to not repeat my past behaviors. during past episodes ive either avoided the person indefinitely or nagged them with questions. this time im doing my best not to avoid my best friend in any way. i caved & asked him a few questions about the past incident but the reassurance didnt help much since im writing this. id hate for my brain to ruin an 11 year year friendship. i don’t understand how or why this is happening. what do i do?

I look around at others and feel like they’re “normal” and happy and I’m not. I don’t find joy in things like I used to.

Please can someone help, I have realised that I am having Rocd about my best friend. I have experienced it with my boyfriend for a few years, and for the most part, it doesn’t bother me so much anymore, but I seem to be really agonising over my best friend at the moment and trying to figure out if we have drifted, if she still considers me a best friend, if our friendship will ever feel back to normal etc… basically worrying I am going to lose my most valued friendship! Some context is that she has two very young children, and we have both had a lot of difficult family circumstances this year- which have led to us both feeling a bit out of sorts, and of course since she’s had children her main focus has switched. We’ve managed to maintain a great, very close friendship for 12 years even though we live a few hours away from each other, and prior to recently, I have always felt so secure and at ease with her. These recent obsessions about the friendship have made me feel so disconnected from her, my brain is making me feel like I don’t know her, like she’s a stranger when we’re together, and I have been feeling so anxious around her that I have started to avoid it because I don’t know what to say anymore. I have felt distant and disconnected and lonely with a lot of friends this year , like I have no true connections… but it’s making me feel particularly bad about this friend because I value her friendship more than anything else in the world. I have experienced this feeling with my boyfriend in the past when I convinced myself that he was going to leave me, but I managed to get over it. I am finding this friendship theme really difficult to get over because I don’t see her regularly to enable me to do erp, and I don’t want to be clingy by messaging her all the time. Can anyone advise a way of getting over this theme or a way of doing ERP even though we live far away from each other? I’d love to hear from anyone who has experienced the same thing and got over it. I feel desperate to not lose this friendship and I pray that it’s just my brain playing tricks on me.

I am new to NODC and starting therapy this Tuesday. I am excited but very anxious and honestly a bit triggered about starting and making my symptoms worse (on top of my other current triggers). I hoping for some positive vibes and the ability to take back control. All of my issues are mental obsessions and compulsions in various categories of OCD. Any good insight would be much appreciated!

I wonder if anyone has had any experience of this. I’ve always been scared of they’re becoming a compulsion that I couldn’t complete. Either for practical reasons, like I’d have to get a flight back to a different country to step off a curb just right, or that if I’d didn’t complete the compulsion on a certain date it wouldn’t feel right. I was always worried there would some day be a compulsion that I could not fulfil. It happened. I held my brothers hand that had committed suicide and my magical thinking made me feel that his suicidal energy had transferred to me. I actually know this doesn’t happen but OCD convinces me it does. It doesn’t help that I’ve since found out that he suffered from intrusive thoughts, he’d always been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My anxieties around obsessions manifest as intense stress. The compulsion has become my biggest fear, something I genuinely don’t want. To end my own like. My head is so full of pressure, if feels like my brain is on fire. It’s a compulsion I have got given in to for a year and a half yet the intense head pain and jaw clenching it causes has not subsided. It builds. It makes me want to just give in and die. Not giving in to this Compulsion feels awful. Has anyone experienced a compulsion they absolutely cannot do but somehow came over it and had any advice? Young mum and I really do what to be around for my daughter. The not doing that compulsions has haunted me for months on end, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t be present, it disgusts me yet my brain is trying to push me into doing it. I spend virtually every day thinking this is the day if have end my life to escape the physical pain. Many thanks for reading guys. Anyone else’s experience or advice would be so appreciated.

Does anyone else get so tied up about ‘proving’ whether something did or didn’t happen? And they feel like they can only be happy if they prove OCD wrong? Been going to extremes recently to look for evidence if I did something and after finding nothing, feel very low.

1. Has to move forward in the car 2. Doesn’t like seeing reflection 3. Doesn’t like 1pm (cause of the 13th hour) 4. Doesn’t like 6pm 5. Doesn’t like the number 13 6. Doesn’t like the number 6 ( not as bad anymore ) 7. Has to go outside for 12am 8. Can’t go to bed until after 12am 9. Can’t go over level crossings 10. Can’t go under bridges or train bridges 11. Doesn’t like certain road names 12. Has to have window open in the car if eating 13. Doesn’t like negative tv programmes/news/docs 14. Doesn’t like old places 15. Doesn’t like certain songs 16. Can’t eat in places if they say certain things on the menu 17. Doesn’t like certain words/sayings 18. Doesn’t like knives 19. Sometimes swaps chairs or tables when out for a meal 20. Doesn’t like the colour red or black 21. I can’t wear certain clothes/t shirts ( usually anything with words on ) 22. Has to wear certain clothes to drive his car in 23. Can’t use the water in certain places 24. Can’t eat food in/from certain places 25. Can’t get own money out ( I have to ) 26. Can’t pay for things ( I have to ) 27. Can’t drive through a ‘welcome to’ sign talking 28. Has to go the same way back that he went somewhere 29. Doesn’t like phones/tablets 30. Doesn’t like phone chargers touching certain things 31. Has to use certain till to pay for things 32. Has to get out onto curb when getting out of car 33. Doesn’t like certain supermarkets 34. Doesn’t eat without me 35. Doesn’t like police 36. Doesn’t like ambulances 37. Doesn’t like anything to do with charity (negative) 38. Doesn’t like hoods/hoods up 39. Has to get out of bed before I go out/work 40. Doesn’t like tunnels ( especially water ones ) 41. Doesn’t like going under bridges/railway bridges 42. Doesn’t like having his picture taken or being in them 43. Doesn’t like things being paid for by phone 44. Rewinds and forwards the tele 45. Has to watch certain programme to turn the tele off to 46. Doesn’t like seeing food he likes on the tele/adverts .. has to fix it 47. Has to eat something when he gets up and before bed 48. Doesn’t go to certain places from his past 49. Doesn’t like certain things associated with his past 50. Has to go out first through doors 51. Can’t use phone in his car 52. Doesn’t like 3am (witching hour) 53. Has to go on and off the drive 54. Has to go outside/in the car every day 55. Doesn’t like outside noise ( building work ) 56. Doesn’t like the tele on whilst getting up/ when cooking 57. Has to touch my arm when he gets into bed. 58. I’m not allowed to be turned away when he gets into bed or have my eyes shut 59. Likes people to be quiet when walking in and out of the house 60. Doesn’t like my watch (digital ) 61. I have to control the tele 62. Can’t watch a program without putting 2 or 3 other things on afterwards 63. Can only turn tele off on certain channels 64. Has to get changed into different clothes, house clothes - tele clothes - going out clothes - cooking clothes 65. Makes me do rituals like he would 66. Makes me open food/packets 67. Doesn’t like people talking to him whilst holding cigarette packets or knives etc 68. Can’t do things in threes 69. Asks me to sit before and after I need a wee 70. Makes me change my socks 2-3 times a day 71. Makes me go out the front door like he does because he says about us getting out the house before it’s dark 72. Makes me have a snack before we leave the house if we are going to get a snack and drink 73. Has to go and fix things if it’s done three times 74. Doesn’t like the number 25 or 30 or 7 and a few more which I can’t remember 75. Can’t do most other things if a wash is on ( like making a cup of tea )