Iāve had OCD since I can remember. I donāt know if thereās an argument about being born with OCD vs developing it. I can assure you, I was born with it.
Some of my earliest memories are checking my momās tires after we had a flat, and worrying that I had ingested a harmful chemical.
My first big manifestation was when my mom bought toilet bowl fresheners when I was about 5 that had the California cancer warning. I had a baby brother and I was obsessed with thinking he would eat them, get cancer, and die. I remember the anguish. I remember the not being able to sleep. It got so bad, and I was so worried, my mom threw them away and never got them again. I still shudder when I see that kind in the store.
I also started, around the same time, checking if everyone was breathing. My mom, my dad, my brother, my grandma when I stayed with her. One night, I kept her awake all night because any time she went to sleep I was afraid she would stop breathing and die.
On into my youth and adolescence, I began to experience panic attacks that came with episodes of derealization. I didnāt learn until later, in my 20s, that derealization was a form of OCD. My parents finally sought treatment for the panic attacks, but only from my pediatrician. I was put on medication at an early age. I donāt think therapy was even discussed. This was the late 90s and early 2000s.
Most of the OCD themes in my adolescence were health or socially focused. I stopped always going to my mom for reassurance, and dealt with a lot of themes on my own. Things my family to this day still doesnāt know about. Nuclear war fears, HIV when I learned about it in school, fear I would curse while singing in church. All themes I dealt with on my own until they āran out of steamā. The internet wasnāt what it is now. I didnāt even think of Googling what was going on. I thought it was something only I dealt with. A lot of times I was ashamed to tell my mom unless the anxiety got so bad and I had to. I felt like the things I āworriedā about were embarrassing. I wasnāt told that (my mom was and still is so supportive) but I just compulsively felt it.
In my early 20s, I had a panic attack that led to agoraphobia and being homebound, due to months of derealization. I quit college and my part time job. I was hopeless. This is where I first discovered Google and entertained the possibility of OCD. But because my family was low income at the time, and also treatment for OCD is nonexistent in my area, I visited my primary doctor for medication and rode it out at home. I coped by my wonderful now ex-boyfriend and my mom easing me back into life little by little. Slowly I was able to get a job again and even go back to school. Sadly, my troubles werenāt over.
I had multiple episodes over various themes. Some getting me back into agoraphobic states for shorter periods. Some coming with derealization and some without. Most notably, relationship OCD with my boyfriend at the time and my mom (do I love them enough?), religious OCD (unforgivable sin due to deconstructing Baptist faith from childhood), somatic, and schizophrenia.
I remember being in complete agony on a beach trip with my boyfriend because I couldnāt stop noticing my blinking. I faked it through the best I could, but I was a nervous wreck.
This whole time, I still hadnāt been to therapy, because I was too afraid to tell anyone what I was experience due to how weird it was.
Fast forward, the boyfriend leaves me. I have a breakdown the following fall, mostly derealization and some harm OCD for the first time, that I check myself into a crisis unit.
I went to therapy for the first time there, and got set up with my local community mental health center. They were kind to me, but knew nothing about OCD. Wouldnāt even diagnose me. Meds were changed and I was diagnosed with anxiety.
Another fast forward to 2018, I was dealing with another breakup and had a bad episode that resulted in me going to the ER. I was treated very poorly there. After that, I went back to the community mental health center (I had stopped as it wasnāt helping) and began taking medication seriously. The therapist still didnāt know anything about OCD, but I stayed consistent and tried to just talk to her about my issues. I also watched OCD content on YouTube at home and decided Iād self treat that part and go to therapy for support.
Finally, in summer of 2019, I decided to private pay for therapy. I found a great therapist who was trauma focused. But, we connected and I trusted her. She really did help me a lot because I did have some trauma.
This leads us to today. With 5 years of trauma therapy, and also a med combo that works for me (she referred me to a good psych NP), I am functional, havenāt had derealization longer than a normal panic attack (and thatās extremely rare) in 5 years. I learned coping skills and DBT which I do think have helped me in some aspects. I also did EMDR for my traumas. I genuinely donāt regret it.
However, Iām outgrowing her. She does know I have OCD but isnāt well trained. She thinks itās all due to trauma (I donāt have all that much) and I think I was born with it. I feel my trauma is resolved and Iām still not getting the relief I need.
I have found myself at NOCD to connect with my next therapist and move away from my beloved trauma therapist. Itās just time. With my traumas resolved and in a place where I am functional, I see more nonjudgmentally how OCD is ingrained in my habits and everyday brain function, and is contributing to my baseline level of anxiety. Itās time to conquer the final boss.
If you read this far, thank you, and I hope to be a help to you on your journey as well.
