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it feels like i actually want to harm my family when i really don’t. i haven’t been getting that much anxiety anymore and now it feels like it’s my real thoughts. i don’t want to hurt them in anyway i love them so much, i’m so scared.

I can't stand checking things over and over again to make sure I'm not a bad person. Repeating actions in the expectation that it will prove something to me only makes it worse. But I can't stop checking. In fact, I can't stand a lot of things in my life, I feel exhausted, my mental health is shattered, I have no self-esteem, I don't feel like fighting for anything. Everything annoys me because I didn't want to be here, I wish I had never been born, my existence bothers me and brings me anguish. I wish I could choose not to exist anymore because I can't stand so much pain, so much sadness, so much anger at myself. I get up every day out of obligation, but I'd like to stay in bed until it's all over. I'd like to apologize to everyone I tell about this overwhelming desire to disappear, but I feel suffocated.

I have made extremely horrible childhood mistakes (harm ocd and pocd related) at the ages of 9-13... my OCD tells me that Im a horrible unforgivable person because of these real events, and that Im a monster... seeing all these famous people being accused for horrible crimes has made me question whether or not im just as bad as them or worse...

Can anyone else with ROCD tell me their experience with it and their partner? How you’ve navigated it and how it’s affected you? I just need ti know I’m not alone with my thoughts that throw themselves into me when I’m with my girlfriend. Thoughts of hating her, of hitting her, breaking up with her, being angry for no reason, and more recently a forced numbness that scares me. I think the numb could be separate and could be stress and burnout from taking care of her the past few weeks emotionally without breaks pretty much and I’ve been drained and I’m scared my love for her won’t come back but I’m sure that’s not true. I’m sure it will. I hope it will but before when I had these thoughts they scared me a lot more now in more numb to them. I get scared that if I’m not obsessing over her then I don’t love her, or if I don’t want to be with her 24/7 then I shouldn’t be with her at all. Could anyone share their experiences?

I am so heartbroken. When I look back at my life I feel like I’ve always had some sort of rocd. But I’ve never had a partner who is trustworthy and provides security and stability to me. I used to worry so much about people leaving me, therapists and doctors would say this was anxiety. When I met my current partner, I worried myself sick that he was going to leave but this was so irrational because it was obvious that wasn’t the case. I couldn’t stop myself from worrying ever. Fast forward to a few months ago I had a harm OCD thought and that was horrific, I was so so terrified of my mind. I thought that I was going to commit myself. I finally got over this obsession & it morphed into fear of not “really” loving my partner and it has me questioning everything about our relationship. When I don’t want to. At all. We are supposed to be getting engaged this year.. and I want my future with him so bad but feel that these thoughts and fears is going to ruin my whole life. I just wish it could go away.. QUESTION- if you have experience with this please comment. I also don’t know how much of this could be trauma related (I’ve never saw a healthy relationship before) and how much I should dig into that? Or if I should really treat this as an OCD matter. I don’t want to hurt my partner, I love him so much. I feel like by being with him I am setting him up for failure… this is so hard.

i got a thought of “why are you fighting against the “urge” so much? just give in” and it’s scaring me. it’s like i now i don’t know why i’m fighting against it. but i know why i have been, i don’t want to hurt my family. but now this thought makes me think i actually do. i don’t know what’s going on truly, sometimes i feel like i’m able to tell it’s all ocd and then sometimes it feels so real.

I'm feeling a lot of guilt and shame because of my bad habit and I don't know how to get passed it. I'm really afraid I've messed up my physical health because of this addiction aside from my mental health. Sometimes I just browse forums under the same topic to try and see if I find someone that's going through the same thing I am 100%. This usually never works and I just end up finding things that are worse than my situation and it doesn't help. Worse, I'll get groinals that ruin everything about this because I get thoughts that I'm only reading things for Attraction. I just don't know how I can accept my decisions without shame attached to it. I completed a therapy session and it did help, but I just need to find a way to change my mindset. It's really hard. I hate thinking about all of the pain I've been through with porn. I hate that I'm so hooked on this and I hate that I've acted out so badly at times. I had that on some occasions I've harmed myself when this, whether it'd be crying because it's so awful to deal with, physically hurting myself by accident or doing something so impulsive, stupid, and risky just to get the stupid high.

Just wanted to let you guys know . I hop in from time to time to read and check in and wanted to let you guys know that I’ve dealt with a lot of the things mentioned here if not all . I am not a trained therapist. I’m just telling my own testimony in hopes to help others. 1. It’s not the thoughts that are the problem …. It’s the relationship we have with the thoughts. The more we realize that OCD thoughts have absolutely no meaning , the quicker you can move forward. The anxiety will lessen once your relationship changes and you’ll be able to overcome. 2. There’s not a different regime for each subtype . ERP is the best approach ..Don’t run from these thoughts …. Sit with them And retrain your brain to learn that they don’t mean a thing. If you’re having SOCD about a particular friend , have the courage to go out and hang with them. It’s tough but the more you expose yourself to the environment that you’re afraid of …. The more your brain realizes that these fears are irrational. If you’re having self harm OCD . Expose yourself to the things that you fear … At the root of OCD is fear and doubt….. it’s not the subtype itself …. Approach them all in the same manner. OCD hit me like a ton of bricks 4 years ago …..I struggled tremendously about 2 years before knowing how to handle it or even what it was. I lost my Job due to OCD and almost admitted myself in a hospital several times because I thought I was going crazy. It was almost two years of debilitating anxiety until I learned what I was dealing with was OCD. A few subtypes to name : health anxiety, sexual orientation ocd, self harm ocd, sleep anxiety , fear of being a pedophile. It’s like once I got over one ….the next would come until I realized they were all coming from the same thing ….that’s when my life started to change Fast forward, with the help of God, I learned to retrain my brain and not to worry about intrusive thoughts when they come in from time to time. actually learned to take them as the joke they are . The more I exposed myself … the more I trusted myself . Nobody else can reassure you … better yet you don’t need reassurance because it’s actually what keeps you in the cycle. Just Trust God Now I’m a Middle school teacher , in graduate school working towards my degree in counseling with a bright future ahead. I say this to say that, if I can do it , you can do it too …. I’m no different from any of you … I didn’t have a therapist at the time so take advantage if you do. Don’t view OCD as bad ….. it’s apart of you that you will learn to manage. I don’t regret OCD cause it has made me a less fearful person …. I’ve fixed fear and doubt that rooted from my childhood through the struggles of OCD . So it was a blessing in disguise. This is a temporary phase for all of you , trust me . And I know how hard it is to believe that when you’re in the middle of it . But remember. Once your relationship with the thoughts changes that’s when you Free yourself Love all 🙏🏾

Does anyone have any recommendations for distressing harm related thoughts and urges? The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt someone, I have so much anxiety and distress over the thoughts, the thoughts terrify me in itself. However my go-to ‘solution’ to neutralise obsessive thoughts over a number of years (not involving harm) has involved giving in to my urges as a way of getting temporary relief. My rational brain knows these are just thoughts, but I so quickly get sucked into the ocd thought spiral and my irrational brain is so convinced that I’m going to feel this way forever, until I give in and act on the urge, that this is the only way I will get some relief. I want to emphasise again that I DO NOT want to hurt anyone, but my irrational mind is convinced it’s the ‘only way out’ of these thoughts. Help???

i feel like crying. i keep coming back here but it’s the only place that calms me down. i keep getting thoughts and feelings that i’m going to give into these thoughts today. all i get is images of me harming my family members and i’m panicking so bad. i don’t want to hurt them, and now it’s saying that i actually do want to. it feels inevitable. i feel like a terrible person. i know i don’t want to do these terrible things. i was just fine a few minutes ago but it all just came back like always.

The thoughts I’ve been stuggling most recently is ”is the world real or am i really in a simulation” (solipsism and such) of course i dont truly belive in it but it feels impossible to disprove, and the thought of being completely alone distresses me greatly. I know i shouldnt ruminate but it feels nearly impossible to not when everything i exprience is in doubt. It also relates to my original harm-ocd. Anyone who can relate?

So I was outside with my mom buying fruits and i was enjoying it and no really bad thoughts were in my mind.Then we went to pay and i just looked up and there was a doll (one that appears in a horror movie,i don’t want to write the name because of anxiety😭)and when i first saw it i just thought it was cool and that’s it.then after a minute my mind said that its going to kill me or my family, or harm me going to poison my food (another type of intrusive thoughts i struggle with) and it just kept repeating itself even when i was thinking my own thoughts it interrupted and i couldn’t stop thinking about it.I told myself it literally makes no sense and to stop being scared about it but it just made it worse and i just started being really mean to myself for being scared of these thoughts i’m still anxious about it 😭🤦‍♀️

my harm ocd is saying that i have to carry out my harm thoughts and that i have to do it. but i don’t want to? i don’t know how to sit with this it makes me believe that i’m genuinely an evil person :(

So after taking a break from this app for a little over a month I thought I'd make a decision to cut out bad habits that I feel I can't moderate or affect my dopamine. (gaming, TV etc). I did this cold turkey and it highlighted a compulsion that is never really considered, avoidance. I used to think the days were never long enough and how can I possibly do everything in a day. Now they're incredibly long and I find it hard to fill up the time. I joined a new gym and now go for runs. I've started reading which I find enjoyable but can only do it for so long until my brains screaming at me to do something else. I went over some work stuff and found out since the passing of my nan, my financial situation wasn't really kept on top of as ocd went full throttle. I lost thousands... Numerous panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. Stressed me beyond belief. Then there was a light at the end of the tunnel and thought I can get myself out of this ocd hole... And my car starts playing up and causing me to lose thousands more. I took it in to get worked on and they handed it back "fixed". It almost killed me a few days later. If I wasn't experienced enough to deal with the issue I could've died. I took it back and did my best to stay calm and didn't raise my voice. I wanted reassurance but I know its bad for ocd, but I think in this case it's acceptable because it's just reassuring me that my car would be fixed properly and I'd be able to eat and pay the bills. Car issue is almost resolved but omfg the stress over the last month was unbelievable. I got better after therapy without a doubt and I know I can get better again but this all brought it back. Once I got rid of daily distractions and looked at improving my life I didn't realise how much ocd and these habits kept me from looking at the huge hole I buried myself in. I made a deal to give into some compulsions whilst I sort this out as I'm struggling to fight on all fronts at the moment. It's too much. Once my finances are sorted, ocd is going to be a priority to work on again. One thing I learned was you cope with stress, and manage the stressors. I feel as if thats not clarified enough anywhere. Oh and one more thing, I watched a video regarding to me being depressed naturally because of the suicidal thoughts and it was interesting. Basically asked if I was depressed or just have a terrible life. I'm both, but it's because I have a terrible life at the moment. But that will change. Just wish it changed faster 😅 And I think a woman at my gym class has a crush on me so that's one good thing. Can't all be negative

I'm depressed, sad, angry, fucking livid... For some context my OCD has gotten to the point of not making any noise or light in order to do prevent my parents from being distracted when opening or closing the freezer and potentially trapping a stray cat inside, which would be my fault since I'm the one who made the distraction. Since it was becoming impossible to live correctly, because I would stay in one position watching videos with my headphones for hours while they were making food, I decided that I would just check the freezer once a day, a tedious process involving me having to record the entrance of the freezer with my tablet while removing everything and recording the insides of the freezer with my phone. After two days, I had enough and decided to just be careful but two days ago I was pissed off because I was waiting for my parents to go to bed which they usually do at midnight but it was 2 am and my dad had been dozing on the couch for almost 2 hours with my mom telling him to go to bed every 5 minutes. In anger, I squeezed my phone and it slipped, the bright side was now facing the window and could've been a distraction. I took it upon myself to not check the freezer and I haven't since, but I feel super guilty because I don't know if I did squeeze my phone knowing it would potentially make a distraction or not. Since then I feel like I lost, I've been trying to be as careful not to hurt a cat for a year with compulsions, a failure to do so would "corrupt" my hobbies, rendering them "bad" to do (I can't explain that feeling, it's like when you try to play a RPG but you mess up and it feels off, especially with perfectionism OCD). I also have kind of the same thing with my windows where it takes 30 minutes to close them because I need to check if a cat isn't on the windowsill with the same tablet and phone setup. I told my mom she shouldn't open the window in my room because it takes me a while to close it but she doesn't care, and today while returning home I found my windows half-opened because she returned my plant I had left on the balcony, and it's driving me crazy because how dumb can she be, she knows not to open it bit she does it anyway, and it's not like it was an urgent matter to return it and she could have placed it on my desk but nooooooooo... I'd check the windowsill now but I can't, I'm afraid my tablet makes ultrasound or EM waves that will distract my cats in the kitchen and that they will brush against the freezer door which could cause it to open and trap a cat inside, and it would be my fault because I would have made some noise with my tablet... I feel like I'm losing no matter what...

My most obsessed thought is am I going to be like this for the rest of my life. I have no desire to do anything nothing is fun I'm serving a life sentence in my head. I've lost every friend I've ever had because fun doesn't exist in ky life its what if we get in trouble what if someone gets hurt how will that person feel will the think I'm a bad person and 200 more what ifs and by what if number 6 you've lost someone else u cherished. I've had countless relationships with some of the most amazing girls and every one of them always say I did not know it was this bad and they disappear. If theres some kinda help out there or any way I can help someone else that is living anything close to my life sign me up. I often feel like there's only one way out and that there is no help for me but I keep faith and hope that there is. Stay strong there's gotta be a cure for this. Thanks

I can’t be helped, from making mistakes to what I’ve think I’ve done, I don’t even care what happens to me anymore I guess my brain and memories are the truth so I should be locked up for a while with rape as I think I done it intoxicated

hi yall so my theme kinda jumped from harm to fear of schizophrenia. and i saw a scene from greys anatomy of a paranoid schizophrenic and ever since i feel like ive had intrusive thoughts pop up that sound like paranoia. last night i had “what if my parents aren’t actually my parents” and so then im like am i paranoid? am i experiencing psychosis or schizophrenia? do i believe that thought? then it combines with my harm theme and there’s this fear that i am going into some kind of psychosis thing and the paranoid thoughts are gonna make me harm someone. so i have intrusive images of that happening anyone have anything similar? please answer if you have and how to deal

Can OCD make you have a fear of depression? I’ve struggled with harm OCD for a while but now it’s morphing into “I’m depressed” theme. I got instant anxiety. Has anyone else experienced this where it convinces you that you’re depressed ?

I hate how compulsions can just lead to more obessions. I have fears that I ended up on dark web sites and a video popped up on my feed about illegal websites. At first I didn't want to watch it but I hoped it would reduce my anxiety if I watched it and didn't remember being on any of the listed sites. The creator ended up listing dark web search engines, and thats where i stopped the video. While sort of relieving because I didn't recognize any of the things he listed, now I have a fear that since I know how to get to the dark web I want to and look for terrible things. I should have listened to myself and moved on from the video.