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I’ve fully convinced myself that I want to harm my family, and I don’t know what to do, as I’m completely paralyzed by this and can barely get out of bed. I’ve been struggling for the past three months, 24/7 every second of the day. I used to have panic attacks, and I knew for a fact that I didn’t want to do these things, I just couldn’t get the thoughts out of my head. Now I keep telling myself that I just don’t care anymore if I do act on them. It’s like there are two completely people inside of my head, one convinces me that I want to, and the other is completely terrified. I bought some weed gummies yesterday, knowing that it was going to try and convince me that I bought them to make my thoughts worse and so I would act on them. I’m feeling super guilty because I feel like I just don’t care anymore, and I still ate one anyway while convinced of that. Fast forward to today, I can’t function at all. I have no idea how to forgive myself, and then I question if I do want to forgive myself. 😫😫😫 If I was truly this evil person, why would I be completely debilitated and unable to focus on anything?

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stop ‘joy checking’? Like I feel the need to keep checking my emotional state, both in the moment and in the past, to make sure I am feeling happy and joyful. This is due to my fear of developing depression which will lead to suicide (or so my ocd tells me). It’s quite distressing. Any suggestions? Thanks so much!

I hate that I get over one thing then my brain moves into the next thing to be upset about and I feel like this one is the worst thing to be obsessing over. Eugh. I feel evil and gross and I feel like ppl will think I’m a threat and I don’t want ppl to think of me that way. I’d never hurt anyone or want to ever But I’m trying to get through the day and survive. AS HORRIBLLY CHEESY AS THAT SOUNDS ITS TRUE I JUST WANNA BE OK😭 does anyone know how to move on from these feelings especially when it’s stuff from the past. I want to move on from and live now but I’m so scared to move because what if ppl find out? And they’ll think I don’t care because I’m not actively feeling ugly about it like I do now and literally all the time. I feel so horrible for even saying that too much guilt. Anyone have help ideas? Advice? Words? Idk I feel dizzy af with my emotions rn sorry if this didn’t make sense.

I've been reading through the posts on this app all morning to see if someone can relate to the way I'm feeling. I'm constantly bombarded by thoughts about me or other people being hurt by my cause. It terrifies me to the core and I end up going down in tears at the very thought of it. It's so hard to open up to others about it because I'm worried I'm just insane, and not someone worth saving. It's gotten to the point where I'm very depressed, I refuse to leave my room in the morning to get ready for school, and I don't feel emotion anymore. Another issue I've been having is secluding myself because I'm afraid of harming people. But it's all my mind goes on about, and I can't make it stop. I'm crying whilst posting this, and I just want to feel normal again.

if you read it this far, I hope you know that all of this will be over, if you keep on fighting, you are one strong fighter, and with God anything is possible, and your not alone. I pray God will give you peace and joy🤍🫶🏼

my ocd is being the most annoying thing in the world right now. my intrusive thoughts keep telling me to cut myself and its keeping me from falling asleep. i have to be up in 5 hours. i dont want to and im not gonna but i feel like i have to to make the thoughts go away. this is really hard :(

Big oof. We just put in an offer on an older home. Great bones just needs some love. I have such anxiety though bc the electrical is original from when the home was built in 1965. And I'm terrified the house is going to burn down and take all 4 of my dogs life's. We are getting the electric rewired but it'll be abt 2 months or so before that even starts. I can't sleep and I'm having night terrors. The house is too good of an opportunity to pass up! I know it'll probably be fine but the unknown is quite literally keeping me up. *pros The fire department is .5 miles away from the home lol Ugh. I know I should feel so fortunate to be able to even do this but, I'm terrified.

I was fine for so long, didnt have any intrusive thoughts, but i saw something on facebook that triggered a form of ocd i thought i recovered from over a year ago. Im so afraid that there is something wrong with me. I’m so afraid what if i do something super horrible that i don’t want to? What if i go crazy and something bad happens because of me? I dont want to have these thoughts i just want to be normal.

Is it possible to go a whole 6 years of your life completely normal and then suddenly have an intrusive thought that you may have harmed someone yearsss ago? And upon looking for ‘evidence’ of this event you start to find things that add up, and then get paranoid it’s real when you don’t think it is? Some things add up , some things don’t.. This thought may be getting mixed with other real events honestly I don’t know anymore, but I think maybe checking myself into a ward might be my only solution.

This one’s new for me but ocd is loving repeating a specific word right now out of the blue that sparks so much anxiety and makes my harm ocd act up too. I have a little complex mix of religious ocd and harm ocd. Anyone else know how to cope with word repetition.

I struggled with severe ocd since I was in 2nd grade and now I’m turning 19 so I’ve had it basically my whole life, I’ve had it bc my dad abused my mom when I was little all the way up until I was a teenager and it really hurts me and affects my life. I have intrusive thoughts and images of loved ones getting hurt and I constantly overthink about my relationship and it got worst since I became a mother bc I ALWAYS worry about my daughter and I’m scared and it makes me panic I always think that if I listen to certain songs,take showers,get cute,put on certain clothes,or just take care of myself in general that something will happen and it makes my mental health worse and i have severe anxiety I struggled with pyschosis for 2 weeks and addiction to pills I don’t have money to get a therapist or even health insurance please help me how to stop it bc even when I try to let the thoughts pass through it hurts me and makes me freeze and not even be able to breathe bc of it and I can’t even say certain words bc I overthink that something will happen and it makes me want to take my life

I can’t carry on with this feeling of doing something (rape) intoxicated, it’s gone on for months and just think I done it all, my life’s ruined

I haven’t posted in a while mainly because my ocd has been better to manage. However I am experiencing what I call a “spiral week” which I haven’t had in a while. I have multiple ocd themes that come and go, but by far HARM ocd has always seems to stay and not let go. It feels as though I am trying to fight a monster inside and it so desperately enjoys to torment me. It’s hard when it grabs a hold of the ones you love in my case my children and sometimes family members😭❤️ I just need to remain positive and continue pushing!

What makes me feel the craziest, is that I feel like I know enough thanks to my having to research and Google everything..... like, I'm a sophomore in college... I am majoring in Psychology. Because the human mind (like mine) is so interesting. So like, I will talk to myself. Quietly with my thoughts AND even out loud. What trips me out is that I Swear that I have full therapy sessions with myself. I know my OCD is the cause of me having to keep questioning myself and trying to figure out why I'm this way and how to get better and what can I do to end this hell I live in inside my mind. I have made note of being able to provide myself with suggestions and advice and info on things to do that can help counter and deal with my OCD to where i can be more functional. It really pulls me into an intense standstill Because it's like I know the answer and I know what I need to do... but I have to always end it with how i must not care how insane and crazy I am because if I know what I can do to help manage and keep my OCD at ease, then why can't I? It pulls me into this spiral where I then question what I know. Or if I have some sort of split personality. I'm always checking and researching things that I already know, just so I can find reassurance. I will ask Alexa stupid questions I know the answer to, like "whats the definition of _____" when I know what the meaning is, but I want to make sure. I'm always feeling as if I could be wrong in everything I think I know.... I get stuck for hours replaying events and situations or something said or done and try to think of every possible reason why, or possible outcomes. I can not communicate effectively because I sound crazy to myself, how is the other person thinking I'm normal? I get lost and stuck for hours in my own head... "circling" as i call it, or what I recently read as a ping pong game. My best friend committed suicide in 2019, by "hanging" to where I became obsessed with suicide, learning all about hanging to where I know things like short-drop and either you suffer or just pass out. Not just that but then I want to know how she was in her last moments. (I would hope she just passed out... I hate knowing she was in any pain). This lead me to become obsessed with the spirit world and started doing spirit box sessions again because I want to talk to her. (Which has me confused between I know I might hear some things because I want to... but also feel that because of that, I need clear responses). I am just in constant battle with my own self. I'm always fighting my own self. I'm my own worst enemy... but my own friend and therapist and teacher and etc. This is really really difficult. And I hope I am not alone in this. I don't even know exactly what subtypes and themes i deal with because there's many, and because everything has to be exactly what it's supposed to be, that if one "trait" doesn't fall under that category, that there must be something I am missing. This is exhausting 😞

I feel like I have become really confused about who I am, mainly when it comes to dealing with these thoughts. Lately the harm thoughts are coming to me like I don’t think this but sort of ‘feel’ like ‘imagine you went and didn’t this right now’ like I’m not thinking that thought but I sort of feel it like I can’t explain it and sort of imagine you jsut done it anyways and because I’m not anxious over the thoughts anymore and haven’t been for while I feel like its just made it worse because now I purposely think these horrible thoughts on purpose over and over to gauge my response in hope I will feel anxious so I can then ‘move on from the thought’ so if a disgusting thought or idea comes to me I find it extremely difficult to move on and feel as though I HAVE to examine the thought. I had a really disgusting thought come out of no where, basically I was in my room and there was clothing on the floor and my foot hit it when I walked past and I had a thought like ‘it felt like a animal/cat’ and then my highly active horribly creative Brain decides to make me think ‘felt like a dead animal’ then I thought to myself okay just move on from that whatever but of course I couldn’t because now according to my brain I have to now work out whether I like the feeling of picking up a dead/motionless body, because what if its true - I know this sounds so disgusting and horrible. So then I started imagining picking up a ‘dead’ animal and it ‘flopping’ about the I sort of got some sort of ‘shudder of anxiety’ it doesn’t feel like a really strong anxiety but it feels almost like I get a shudder and almost like I bring it on on purpose then I had to imagine the thought about a dead person (even more horrible) to check incase I do or don’t like moving/holding a dead body and then the same thing happened I got a shudder kind of thing then it usually still feels unsatisfied but I feel I can then somehow move on form the thought since I’ve now had a ‘shudder’ and I’ve done this same process with so many other thoughts before as well and sometimes I even the start thinking I’m purposely making myself ‘shudder’ and maybe I’m being fake but it’s jsut gotten bad like I don’t even believe myself or no what to believe anymore. I constantly feel like I’m faking my reactions as well and worry that I’m secretly happy and I’m not sure if it’s adrenaline but sometimes I will be talking about this problem or thinking and I get the same feeling in my face/chest like im ‘excited’ or about to laugh or smile and when I looked it up it says anxiety and excitement can feel the same and im wondering if im jsut confused now the other thing is I literally don’t know when im feeling anxious anymore when it comes to ocd. Like sometimes I end up thinking about the thoughts and with the shudder thing I strain my body when I do it/like tense up and Soemtiems I get hot and cold feeling come over me but I still don’t recognise that as anxiety and think that I’m somehow deliebralty making myself feel like that and it’s fake and I’m not anxious and I literally jsut don’t even know when I’m anxious and it’s worrying. Also I feel like I’m literally constantly thinking I’m bad or imagining myself doing something bad and it’s like what the heck like, when I try to think to myself ‘no I would never do that’ I don’t believ it and some how think it’s would happen because I would ‘give in’ or want to do it eventually and it feels like after all these crap thoughts and how much I’m believing it and even believing I ‘like the feeling of doing the thoughts’ because apparently I know how it feels to act on thee thoughts like how it feels to physically do these horrible things and how my hands would feel doing it and everything and apparently it feels like I I like the feeeling but I’m still not sure if that’s my adrenaline/anxiety that makes me feel like i ‘like the feeling of doing that horrible thing’ but it’s literally making me belive because it feels like I like the feeling thag now its impossible that I would ‘never do that’ and that’s worrying me as well. I don’t want to be crazy or bad or anything in fact I’ve always loved helping people and to now be literally believing that I’m this evil person who likes the feeling of doing these horrible things it’s very very hard to deal with and after over two years of dealing with this crap I’m still suffering and it’s jsut awful and it’s like the only time I feel better is if I have something to look forward to and am pre occupied and it seems to go but then I think we’ll why is that does that mean it’s all fake and I’ve jsut forgotten about being evil but still am evil and also like I can’t even stay home anymore I use to live staying home but when i stay home I feel like I start going mad with this ocd crap and it feels more and more real and it’s so scary but I don’t even know if I’m scared like I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore when it comes to this ocd I jsut no since I started having this I’ve become such an angry person I get aggitated so quickly and I feel so much pent up stress and anger its so sad. I started staying home and it as okay for a bit and then it started happening and the worrying and everything and to to the point where at some point I thought I wanted to kill and bury my mom and I told her about all of it and I don’t even know how she feels hearing all this crap. I think I would feel very worried if someone kept telling me disturbing things like that. But I literally started imaging those things like the killing and burying thing to ‘test’ myself then i started thinking how do I know I’m thinking about it to test myself and not because I want to see if ‘I like it’ because I’m actually evil …? And then like I never felt anxious but it felt almost like it was an urge and that I wanted to do that burying thing and it was very concerning - see I’m typing this and I keep worrying I’m lying about being ‘concerned’ …but it felt so real like it made me feel like I ‘wanted to do that’ or liked it and there was no anxiety and jsut felt like an urge and it was very unsettling - I can’t even write ‘it was very scary’ because I think I might be lying about being scared… I don’t even know anymore my doubt levels are to another level and I don’t know how to deal with this I literally doubt so much it’s to an extreme my doubt levels like I don’t even believe myself and im believing something but feel like I don’t want it to be true but feel like it’s true that im bad and like the feeling of ‘smothering’ … this has been the worst thought I’ve been stuck of for like two years I still don’t know if it’s my anxiety making it feel like that but it feels like I know what it feels like to smother someone like how my hands feel doing that actions and that I like the feeling and my chest feels like idk and I’m jsut confused and because of that I’m not believing it’s impossible and I would actually be evil because I would choose to do it because I like it … I’m so confused and sad and wish I could jsut be normal, if anyone has read this to the end Thank you for listening and I’m sorry you had to read all this garbage it’s honestly such a load of crap and I don’t know what to do

Hi, I have just found this support page. I am always researching and looking for people that understand what I go though. I am 38years old, I have never been diagnosed with Harm OCD as I don’t think many therapists understand it. I was diagnosed with PND when my twins were 6 months old this was nearly 16 years ago and I was only 23. This started when I was visiting my mum. I was watching a movie and a lady got her throat slit the next night I felt really weird, couldn’t eat my dinner and just hid in my bedroom I felt absolutely terrified that the images I had seen I was going to do to my babies I had no idea what was going on! I was worried that I was going crazy and that I was going to harm my children ( I also had a 3 yr old at the time) I could not go near them, I could not go into the kitchen where there was knives. I just wanted to be but to sleep until they figured out what was wrong with me so I didn’t feel all these horrible feelings! My mum took me to a doctor the next day they did a heap of test and started me on Effexor, they gave me Valium as well but my mum had to administer that to me. I saw a Therapist as well at the time and i basically just lived in the 4 walls of my mums spare room for 4 weeks because I was that scared I was going to do something so horrible to my babies. My mum looked after my babies until I felt ok to be around them. I then moved back home 2 hours away from mums with my partner who was supportive. I kept seeing a psychologist for awhile after that but some how I became able to cope again. I went on living my life it was so long ago I can’t remember that well but my partner was killed in a car accident the next year as it was a really hard time for me my anxiety did not return. 6 years later I had 2 more children with my partner at the time. I was worried that my PND would come back but the doctor said I could stay on my medication and so I did. I was totally fine I would have thoughts but that’s all they were, they didn’t consume me. 6 years after that I wanted to try a different medication and my doctor was ok with it. So I begun the process, about 2 weeks after I was changing medication I felt it all coming back to me I rang a friends a couple of days after as my anxiety was getting to much for me to cope with and asked her to take me to hospital. She did and they gave me a diazepam to calm me down I did not want to go home as I was worried once again that I was going to do something so horribly unthinkable to my children . I stayed in hospital that night , I did a Skype call with a psychologist where they asked for my partners information so they could call him and ask if he had any concerns or if I had ever been violent toward the kids. My doctor came to see me as well and told me I’m the sanest person he’s ever met but I wasn’t convinced. I called my mum to come and stay with me, she did but when it came time for her to go home I begged her to stay like sobbing uncontrollably! In the end I ended up packing myself and my kids up and I went to stay at mums and my sisters looked after my kids for me . I got into see a psychiatrist straight away, I was so relieved that I was getting help but it wasn’t an instant relief from all the crippling anxiety I was feeling. The psychiatrist ended up changing me back to the old medication I was on before I had decided to chance. I told the psychiatrist everything! It felt like I had a devil inside me telling me I was going to do all these horrible things! I was worried that I was in a psychosis, I was worried I was going mad and that I would end up locked in a mental institution for the rest of my life but at the time I was ok with that as long as it wasn’t jail because I had harmed my children. It broke my heart to leave my children but at the time I felt it was the safest option. After 2 weeks my medication had started working again and I had built up the courage to go home. I struggled so much! I was scared every day. My partner at the time was not supportive at all so I ended up packing up my kids and moving back home closer to my family where I have support. I was still in contact with my psychiatrist and I was making progress, the move home helped me a lot. Although I was a single parent now of 5 children I was determined to get better and face my fears. Now 4 years on I still struggle with my thoughts some days are easier than others I avoid caffeine, alcohol and anything else that might make me feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. I still regularly take diazepam and don’t usually leave the house without it. I came off my sleeping tablets and now only take melatonin at night to help me sleep. I basically face my fears every day and it’s tiring. Every day is a struggle but every day I hope that I get a little bit better. I am not as well as I would like to be and this is the reason why I am sharing my story for hope that there is anyone else out there that can help me. I have 5 beautiful amazing children that I am so very proud of every day. I work part time as a disability support worker and I love all my children unconditionally they are my whole world. Any suggestions or support would be greatly appreciative. Thank you xx

I haven’t been on this app in months. I went from not being able to leave the house for over a year to getting a new job and going out with friends. I improved so much. Of course my OCD triggers would bother me but not how it used to. I had harm ocd and pocd. Wouldn’t really say “had” since I still struggle here and there with those two. But tonight took a turn for the worst. I won’t go into detail because this time it’s extremely personal. But to keep it simple I think I’ve developed a new trigger. I was exploring myself sexually for a few weeks now and it’s been normal I would say. But today I felt this urge to “explore” myself again and so I did but the feeling won’t go away. No matter how much I “explore” myself. It made me panic thinking I’ve become addicted to it or something is wrong with me. Why won’t this feeling go away? And now anything remotely sexual makes me have these intrusive thoughts and make that “feeling” more intense which in turn makes my anxiety worse. I feel hopeless. And I’m not even sure if it is OCD because I can feel the urge. It’s not just the intrusive thoughts but I feel it. And if you’re confused by what I’m saying I mean a feeling of arousal. It won’t go away and I have strong urges to relieve myself. But what if it will never go away and I can’t stop myself? Someone please tell me if they’ve experienced this before or if this is even OCD. I’ve experienced OCD and I can’t tell if this is it or not just because this is something completely new to me. I’m really panicking.

Something insane happened today. A couple of my friends and I went to a bigger city around 35 minutes away from where we live to get some food and go to the mall. By the time we were done and heading back home it was around 6:30 and was almost dark. We headed back towards home and the drive was going fine. We were listing to music and singing. I turned the music down as we all kinda calmed down and began to get into the turn lane to go onto the road that takes us to the town we live in. All the sudden there was a man. In the middle of the road. Not crossing the road just walking straight in the middle of the road. I slammed so hard on the brakes trying to stop but it wasn’t enough and we hit him. I can remember the sound it made when he hit the car. He then rolled off the hood and onto the road. I remember looking at my friend in the passenger seat and screaming and my other friend in the back seat screamed too. I think I put the car in park but I don’t really remember. I just watched as the man rolled around on the ground and I could see he was bl**ding on his head. My friend called 911 as I called my dad. I sat there in complete and utter shock and began to cry. I don’t even know how long I cried for. The craziest thing is that the man stood up made a gesture at me like “come on man!” and then walked away. The highway we were on doesn’t have by type of sidewalks or anywhere that you can walk on and honestly why are you in the middle of the road!? The cops showed up and talked to up and eventually found the guy and they think he was on dr*gs. I am so shaky and my compulsions are so bad right now because of all the anxiety and emotions. I can’t believe it happened and I really just needed to tell someone and vent.

I’m feeling anxious right now my roommate and I were watching a disturbing show and now I want to punish myself for it. My heart is racing

My ocd always makes me think the worst and tells me that the only explanation for things is that I did something horrible. I had an incident many years ago that has made my life miserable. I guess it’s a real event and possibly false memory as well. When my son was little he would crawl into bed with me alot. One morning I got up and he was still asleep. I put my daughter on the school bus and went back upstairs to my room and he was awake sitting up wrapped in the blanket. I said good morning and told him to come downstairs with me and get breakfast like I always did but when he got out of bed he didn’t have his underwear on. I yelled at him demanding to know why he took his underwear off. He was 2 or 3 and he pointed at me and yelled “You!”. My ocd immediately kicked in and made me think the worst that I must have done something horrible to him in my sleep. Why would he say that? 😪. At the time I didn’t think too much of it though because toddlers randomly do weird things and take their clothes off and they yell back or blame you because they don’t like getting in trouble or getting yelled at so I shrugged it off but out of nowhere all these years later my ocd brought this back up. Since it’s been so long my memory has faded so my ocd adds more “evidence” and tells me things like maybe I was drinking and did something to him and just don’t remember. I try to think of all the scenarios that could have happened as to why he took his underwear off but my ocd won’t let anything make sense except that I did something horrible and I can’t live with that uncertainty like other people can. It makes me not want to be alive anymore 😞